The Caregiver & Dysfunctional Families: How are you doing?

Tracy, your mom's mental acuity sounds somewhat similar to my dad's. There are days I think he's not rational at all, but some days he surprises me with what he is still able to do if he wants to. I've had a problem trying to get his doctors on board with the idea that he IS mentally failing in some way that I don't understand. And part of the problem is, if your mom is anything like my dad, during those doctor's appointments is when my dad is most pleasant and "with it." I think the attention is mentally stimulating for him in some way.

I've been making a list of specific examples of things that my father does or says or forgets or whatever that show he doesn't behave rationally. I'm hoping that by compiling this list I can get his doctors to start listening to me when I say I want further testing for early dementia or even a general IQ test might be helpful in my dad's case. I'm in a similar boat insomuch that I don't know exactly what my father needs to have happen to diagnose his issues and I've been unsuccessful so far to get anywhere.

But to address how one is declared incompetent - this does have to start at her physician's level, I believe. In Illinois where I live there is a form called a CCP-211 that is used by a court of law to rule incompetency. There may be a similar document where you live? I was able to download a copy of this form long ago off the Internet, but it has to be filled out by my father's doctor saying that the doctor does deem my father to be mentally incompetent. That form is then taken to a court date that in Illinois you can arrange yourself without help from an attorney. It's called appearing "pro se," I believe. And you give the court the document and judge rules incompetency. That's the gist anyway here in Illinois.

Certainly it all seems like it would be easier for you to accomplish the ruling of incompetency with some professional legal advice tailored to your specific state and situation. But it starts at the physician's level... you have to be able to convey to them that there is a problem. Sharyn suggested making an appointment directly with a neurologist. I haven't tried this. I've instead asked my dad's PCP to give him a reference to a neurologist and PCP said "no need at this time." :-/

It's very late and I'm overly tired but I hope I helped describe the general way - at least in my state - to go about getting an incompetency ruling.

Hugs, all. Happy Thursday!

Tracy,

Welcome to the thread.
As I was reading your post, it occurred to me, that given your situation as named POA, it is a good idea first and foremost of all that you do use a system of keeping track of expenditures. So that's great that you got this application to assist you.

Now the other thing is the emotional part of what you're going through. You're at a crossroads of sorts, since she up to now has been vocal, and spending the money. But really......and I'm only going on your description of events, it does sound as others have said, that a test is in order.

My mom who was diagnosed w/ALZ seven years ago.....went through a period of I'll call it "the transition." She was at the time, living w/her narcissist older sister, was her caregiver for some time already. They lived together, independently. Both of them were quite accustomed to basically doing whatever they wanted. But of course, since as time progressed, and her sister's health became worse, mom had to take over things such as driving (something she wasn't good at, nor had done), but she was showing signs of ALZ. Let me tell you......that in an effort by both of them to keep their independence mom got diagnosed apparently 1 yr. before we-her kids found this out. So mom was still trying to do things that under normal circumstances would have been all right, but now w/ALZ, especially something such as driving became an issue. Their whole accounting......management of rentals was all screwed up for a time. They were dealing w/an irresponsible POA, my brother, til it got yanked from him and designated to my sister.

Anyway, I really felt the transition.....mother was having to face. It can't be easy for them, and it definitely isn't easy for us. But there it is!
Please do try to get her evaluated, and just try to transition some of your thinking to now she needs someone to watch out for her.

Hugs,
Much Love & Light! Margeaux

I NEED HELP NOW! mum threw one of her tantrums again yesterday turns out my brother the idiot told her that i said she has dementia? i cant believe he said this? now mum has turned nasty and called my brother up to kick me out? mum would rather see me on the street than my brother and sister to think shes losing it? i am now in a desperate situation as ive no money and really nowhere to go? mum is loving the attention and says all i do is tell lies about her? my brother is in complete denial and is siding with mum even though hes never here and has nothing to do with her care. I am shaking now as i have no choice but to move out i have a friend down the road but hate asking her? please god i can stay with her?

I am just in shock that family could do this to me but i know see my brother has had an agenda he says when i leave he will move in with his wife? mum hates his wife and i had to have her kicked out years ago as she was stealing from mum?

I think mum would rather her son and this wife than go into a home? so what can i do to protect her now?

I will contact her docs tomorrow but i think i am better to walk away now as the stress is too much and siblings turning against me? brother in UK is in a state and says well if he cant see how mum is not right in the head then leave easy to say when ive nowhere to go to?
I will never forgive my mum for this and if she wants me out after caring for her for five years here then i will never see her again.

i feel used and betrayed this is how family treat you instead of working together to support mum.

She really is losing it now and seems to be loving all the attention that brother is giving her?

I will have no choice but to leave i am in such a bad way and my only hope now is her docs?

ANY advice now would be grateful!

Kazz, if you want to stay call the authorities. In this country if someone has been living in a house, whether renting, owning or squatting, there is an eviction process that must be followed that requires 30 day notice. Have you previously notified authorities about your Mum's condition? If your Mum is aggressive call the authorities to tell them what is going on. Have her taken in for an emergency psychiatric evaluation. Perhaps her docs will order it. If you abandon her you may be in more trouble. If you decide to go notify whoever is appropriate so your mum is taken care of.

I am just not at all familiar with health care there.

Kazzaa - don't do anything about moving unless you want to.
If you can afford it, this is a perfect time to exit the stage.
Otherwise, mark this up to a dementia tantrum, and wait for it to pass.
These tantrums are ugly, intense, and exhausting in all senses.

I bet if you stayed out of the house for a day, she would be just as upset about you not being there for her!

I would still plan your exit. Your brother can take it from here. You have done your best and the Lord Almighty, the Saints, and Angels all know it.
Let HIM have a chance to handle this without you.

I would seriously move as far away as you can. This situation is extremely toxic, very dysfunctional, and is taking a toll on you as a person. As in doing permanent damage to you emotionally and physically. This is not running away from responsibility. This is running TO self-preservation.

If I were there, I'd take mom to brother's house, deposit her on the doorstep with a case of clothes, and tell them all Early Merry Christmas from Me to You. I'm off to Hawaii and I don't know when I'm coming back! (Even if you're not).

You need time and distance to get a handle on this and recover from all this drama & trauma. My goodnesss.

well things escalated my brother physically tried to throw me out and I have bruises on my arms so I called the cops they said I was a family matter and that for now you need to leave as your mum says she dosnt want you here? so I think im done now. brother refuses to believe shes got dementia and is being a bully. mum is getting worse and keeps hurling abuse at ME? I think im done here now.

I will stay with a friend until I get myself sorted contact the docs etc tomorrow and stay well away from this shit. I couldn't believe my mum tonight shes a real b*tch dementia or not im not hanging around to be called the crazy one?

the cops took my key? said it would die down after a few days but I told them yeh until the next time? told the cops I was done now and mum is not my problem anymore I will let the authorities know and that's it im done will move all my stuff out tomorrow.

Great isn't it you do everything to help them but when its all said and done the reality is you get zero appreciation?

Im done with mum and done with sister and brother as bad as they were I never thought it would get this ugly?

Its all started as brother told mum that I said shes got dementia? what an a**hole now mums h*ll bent on trying to make me out to be the mad one so sis brother wont believe me?

Let them at it now and see what happens brother needs to get POA now then we can have him in court if mam isn't looked after properly.

when I was outside waiting for taxi mum came out with money for me told her to shove it!
mum thinks this will all be back to normal again soon well no it wont ive had enough.

If mum isn't cared for now then brother is responsible for her.

a very sad way for things to end but ive done more than I can here mum will get worse then they will see whats what?

cop said to me after "why do you put up with this leave and let him sort it out".

Im so lucky to have friend who will let me stay but its not a nice way to be so am pretty down.

I really don't know what docs can do now? if mum says she dosnt want me there then they have to agree with her?

Thanks guys and if it wasn't for you I really would think I was going crazy?

Things can only get better right???????????

Kaazaa,

Remind me.......do you have POA, of your mother?
This situation is beyond horrible!!!! I'd go with previous advice about you not moving, in terms of having been there for the length of time you have put in there.
What in the world??? This really p***es me off, the fact that people think that your presence there for five years already, the work involved taking care of someone like this is invalidated. Do they realize that your life has to be on hold, because of all the care you do for your mother?? Yes, you don't even have to answer that one.

Geez we as women, and I do say women, since it is about women....and how our value is just not taken into consideration, when it comes to the domestic stuff,
and caregiving! Well, possibly you can just disappear as who was Glad suggested, so that your mother can come to her senses?

I hope you can get her in to see the doctor, and get some medication going,
if she isn't on any already.

On the other hand, if you feel you can go and stay at this friend's......hopefully get a job, thus getting your independence back.

You're in my thoughts!

Hugs,
Much Love & Light! Margeaux

Kazzaa, get out, stay away and don't look back. Don't even call the doctors for her. Your brother has bit off more than he can chew. Pick up the pieces and move on, do not call them. Move forward.

No marg mum was supposed to get POA for my brother and me but everytime she wouldn't do it?
Im done now so brother can have it let him take care of her and his thief of a wife?
I have huge bruises on my arms this is just not on im really am waisiting my time here as a shrink needs to get involved now I will keep away from mum now and try and get on with my life when sister and brother come calling for help I wont be around.
I cannot handle anymore of this its getting so nasty im a liar and mums perfectly normal? you just cant reason with him Or her so whats the point of me getting ill over this?

Not very nice to have your brother assault you? friends just don't know what to say? except "get out of there".

Mum says "oh shell be back?" no mum im sorry but this time I wont be?

with all this and whats happened I saw mum loving this drama I mean really loving it had no concern for me that her son hurt me? yes ive really seen this illness at its ugliest.


I will just walk away now and mum will regret this like she always does she told me tonight "im taking you out of my will?" I said mum do it I am passed caring

Hello all,

I received my first ordered book today, Taking Care of Parents Who Didn't Take Care of You. A few more are coming, but this is the one Jen mentioned and pretty much fits my situation... and many of yours, too, I know. I'm looking forward to looking it over.

And in about 45 minutes my cosmetologist neighbor is going to color and trim my hair. That's long overdue and I'm so glad. I'll feel a bit more human when it's done.

Kazaa, I'm concerned about you. I've been reading your posts for over a year and I worry that you, like many who do hands on full-time caregiving, have kind of forgotten what it's even like to focus on yourself apart from your charge. Is there somewhere you can go for a few days and let mom see what it's like without you there, and you can also see what your life could be like without caregiving. I think you need a little distance temporarily... then you can make a clearer-minded decision. That's my opinion, but whatever you do, please take care of yourself.

How old are your grandsons now, Sharyn? A few weeks yet? I'll bet they're growing like crazy. :-)

Hugs and love to all. *singing* I'm getting my haiiiirrrr dooonnne! Hallelujah. ;-)

Kaz, believe it or not, I really am sorry this happened. It is hard on everyone.

Let your brothers/wives take care of mum for awhile. Just let it all be. Time heals. You've said all along you can't wait to get out... now is your chance. It is also the siblings chance to step up and help. Win wi

Why did the police take your key though? I have never heard of them taking someone's key to a house they've lived in for quite some time....especially if it an elderly dementia person's home.

Kaz, you will bite me for saying this, but there is more to this scenario. To be forced out like this, it had to be something a lot more than mum having a tantrum. Take this time to reflect on life and what your goals/desires are. Let brother handle mom and YOU get YO shit together. :) I do mean this with all sincerity and niceness. At times we just get stuck!

Taking keys is fairly standard. With the fire at my home three weeks ago, the friend that was staying there and caring for my cats had his key taken by officials. I did not ask the reason that the key was taken, but it was and I have it.

kaz I am so terribly sorry about what has happened. I don't think them taking the key infers anything particular, other than the police do not want a repetition of what happened and think you are better off somewhere else. I agree. It is your mum's home and she can say who she wants around and who she doesn't want around. Does it make an sense - no. Are they treating you well - not at all It is disgraceful that your sibs will go behind your back like that. My sis is the same in that she has tell mother everything I tell her, so I have learned not to tell sis much . Mother, of course, then uses the info. to cause trouble, just as in your situation.

I think this will only continue of you stay involved. Let the rest of the family find out the hard way. That your mother says "She'll be back" says to me that your mother knows you look after her, but there comes a point where too much is too much. Look after yourself - maybe a trip to social services to find out what resources there are for you.(((((((((hugs))))))))

Well thanks JB! cops here cannot get involved in a "domestic"? they said your mum seems pretty competent to us so its my mums house so yes if mum says she dosnt want me here they have to ask you to leave they said until things cool down?? this time I wont be going back my brother lives down the road so im wasting my time as everytime mum calls him he comes up and bullies me?

My brother and sister are in serious denial and don't believe mum has dementia brother spends not even a half an hour with her and sister flys home twice a year so they see nothing as mum is always showtiming but it dosnt take much to google dementia and educate yourself before you make assumptions like ive said I can handle mum but not when siblings are not supporting me? YES if it was my house then I wouldn't have to have siblings near me BUT its mums house so until I contact the shrinks and let them sort it there is nothing I can do.

Its not the first time this has happened but when my brother attacked me that was it for me my supportive brother in UK is devastated as hes not here to help but he sent an email to my brother warning him if he ever lays a finger on me again he would fly over and punch his lights out.
Im just numb? Until my sister and brother see mums aggression and outbursts im wasting my time.

I asked my brother to let the cat in later in front of the cop brother said "ill do no such thing" the cop said to my brother "YOU WILL LET HER CAT IN".

Poor cops were so sorry for me but this isn't their job. said if I were to press charges against brother it would take a year then a court case? Ive had enough stress so I let it go.

I will talk to mums doc tomorrow and at least they will know whats going on then walk away.

JB youre lucky to have a mum that's placid and easy to love and care for when your parent gets nasty and thinks its ok for her son to assault me then you can now imagine what im dealing with?

My friends mum died from ALZ so lucky she totally understands and her mother attacked her a few times so thankgod for her and of course this site.

All I can do is try and let this go and not worry about mum but docs need to know that brother is her carer now as I cant be around him.

I will know more tomorrow when I talk to the nurses etc.... only US on here know just how good their showtiming can be even the cop said she seems very competent? im so tired and done hearing this?

The sad thing in all of this is im the only one that can take care of mum properly and really shes the one losing out here my brother will do her shopping and cook but what about housework her hygiene etc........

I know I know that's not my problem now?

the cleaning lady rang in tears as my brother fired her over the phone I told her im so sorry but its mums choice theres nothing I can do. poor woman a single mum with no money my heart goes out to her! mum was a single woman she would never have done this if she was "normal".

This illness really destroys families we ALL used to be so close and get on fine until mum started acting strange now we are torn apart NEVER in my life as we as a family detest violence after my dad hit us did I ever think my brother would treat me like this. Its really crazy a parent is sick we should be helping and supporting each other and now we will never be the same again.

Just so sad for everyone.

Hugs AND I will be saying my prayers tonight. Im leaving this one up to God and universe I have to believe things will get better things cannot get worse and maybe all this was meant to happen so brother and sister can wake up?

Thanks all for your support (even JB) this is when this site is just too important for us. Ive heard some horrors here BUT never thought mine could end like this!

Yes EMJO..........WHY do siblings do this? my sister does this even though ive told her not to tell mum this and that? emotional retard I think? my sister said tonight on the phone well its mums house and so what if brother said she has dementia if she HAS???????/ oh please? you can see why I cant relate to her?

Well mum in her madness knows now that I THINK she has dementia so shell do anything to stop others believing it even kick me out knowing ive no money and nowhere to go?

I went to a psychic last year and everything she said would happen is happening she said "youre family will disagree with you and you will walk away"

IF I didn't have my supportive brother in UK I just don't know what id do? he knows mum and has seen her in action thankgod for him it must be AWFUL to have ALL your siblings against you so lonely!

My brother said they are going to be so sorry when things get worse and so pissed that they didn't listen to us when we tell them mums not right! Brother said he will make them apologise but im not holding my breath!

I am sad but I cant let myself feel guilty for any of this have been through so much before with siblings I really thought once mum was diagnosed things would be so different???????

Kaz, ;my mother is FAR from placid. If you go back and read my really early posts...mom was quite the bear. Opening car doors to jump out, grabbing the steering wheel to take me with her...ha, it goes on. but we both have dealt with and somehow solved that problem.

Kaz, go do your own tbing

Your mother has o=not been diagnosed even when you took her to her doc appt,,, that is why I asked you how you determined she was mid stage and yet the Psych said she was fine?

Karen, take this time for you .... just you Let others handle things

JB just to make things clear as I can see how its confusing IF you havnt read all my posts! mums doc GP refused to listen to me for three years and said mum had depression SO I had to pay privately to a geriatrician HE did a brain scan and confirmed vas,dementia! just this year mum was seen for 20mins by the shrink who thought she seemed competent? so I told her about her meds etc... and she is showing signs of dementia for years shrink said "well ive taken on board what you've told me" since then NOTHING. So now I have to get this diagnosis sorted. too many docs involved and no one seems to be communicating. I told shrink something will happen if this continues and it did she collapsed so this is serious now.
As long as mums scoring on memory tests they think shes ok??? I know its BS but im battling all this on my own and getting hold of docs is not easy the healthcare system here is getting worse yorue just so thankful to get any help when you can.
Her shrink will have to wake up now OR take responsibility for mums welfare all I can do is report everything and walk away!

seems to me youre not mad until you fail your memory tests?? so yes JB mum has to be properly evaluated now by a shrink but this all takes time here!

walk away and let your sibling have a time with mum. If mum is fine, doc's wont listen.

You do not have to sort this diagnosis!! It is no longer up to you.

You have got what you wished for. Siblings are helping and willing....you have your freedom you have so desired. Think about it ( said in a nice way( get it got it..

Kazza~I am so sorry!!! This whole situation is out of control. I do agree that it is best you walk away and get your life back on track as a noncaregiver. Your brother will only become more violent as time goes by with your mom's out bursts escalating situations. It is not a situation you can control and with no sib support,it will only get worse. I hope you can stay in touch while living your friend....what a life saver she is!! Big Hugs to you!!!!

Alison~Thank you for asking about my sweet grandsons, a subject I never get tired of talking about, LOL!!! They are 19 days old 9/18/14 and doing well. My dd and dsil took them for a photo shoot today. 5 hours long at the photographers home. She only charged them $50 as long as they signed a release giving her permission to use the photos in her portfolio and her ads.

I hope the books are helpful for you in dealing with your father. I have found many of these types of books to shed a lot a light on the relationships within a family and giving good coping strategies.

Kaz, another thought. If Mom should change her mind and want you back, and I am not saying you should go back, I would make darn sure you have an agreement in place first so should this happen again you have documentation that will support you being there. And it would have the added value that when Mom needs a Geri psych evaluation you have something to support your position, legally. Document, document, document!

Siblings can be down right nasty as I have learned. I have had to document everything and can even show TW#2 is only interested in what of Mom's assets are remaining for her after Mom's death.

Glad just spoke to mums GP he said the shrink sent back a report to him in july to say she didnt see any signs of behaviour problems? she saw mum for 20mins?? NOW this is when it gets interesting and remember this is Ireland i dont know about US laws. her doctor said that the mental act laws have changed AND you cannot have someone commited unless there is enough evidence of violence or self harm. So yes even though mum is not taking her meds and having aggressive outbursts with me there is NOTHING they can do?
I told him i was walking away he said well i wouldnt blame you? he said he would talk to mum the next time shes in? i told him she will not go near docs as shes scared of being locked up.

Bottom line there is nothing they can do? left message with her shrink and district nurse and waiting for them to return my call?

I am just letting them ALL know my side and that im walking away for my own sanity. IF nothing they know and have been warned!

glad i am done! i cant do this as long as my brother is sticking up for mum and not understanding her condition. Yes mum will start to regret this as she always does and try and get me back BUT NO this time shes gone too far. If you saw the bruise on my arm youd be shocked that was my brother pulling my arms to get me out the door and mum was loving the drama? Ive done my best for her and will walk away with no guilt just sadness.

I spent the whole morning phoning her docs so once they all know then im done. HOW? i can look at her again and forgive her i dont know yes its a mental illness but OMG kicking me out after all ive done here.

I have a huge high court case now in 4 wks about my accident i just pray i get enough to move on from this im sure you can imagine the stress of a court case and now a place to live my cat? im just not well at all mentally i dont think im fit to go to court and be disected by thier lawyers but i just have to have faith that ALL this sh*t was meant to be!

they say life puts you where you are supposed to be i think now that i was meant to have a bad accident to keep me at mums so i could get her the help she needed i think ive done this now and can do no more with nasty violent siblings.

Mum knows i love her and have cared for her right now she maybe needs a bit of a wake up call too! shes abused me as ive had no money and thought she could say what she wants to me as id nowhere to go well now once she knows im gone for good she will be furious.

yeh told me shes taking me out of her will dont care an inheritance is not worth losing your mind over.

fingers crossed i win the case and can move on i want to leave the country BUT i know i could never do that while mums alive sometime soon shes going to need me when things get bad and i will be there for her but right now i need to back off and let brother see just how tough this is.

mum will be even more on her own now as brother will just pop in to check on her so sorry thats NOT 24/7 care.

My other brother is sending him an email that now hes taken on mum he gets POA and is NOW responsible for her welfare and safety.

theres no winners here just mum losing out on her family doing whats best for her and supporting each other.

This is going to end in tragedy i can feel it. mum may fall or have a heartattack once she knows im done and not coming back she will go further down hill.

Brother is not chatty hes an introvert with little patience his wife is a con artist who is probaby delighted shes going to get near my poor sick vunerable mother and theres nothing i can do expcept warn the authorities?

things have to change everywhere laws need to be imposed for caregivers to be protected against siblings who only care about money its just so messed up and so unfair.

As long as mum wants brother there i cant do a thing about it.

I have no key now to go and get my things i just hope my poor cat is fed and ok. Lucky my friend just lives down the road so i have to get my cat to get used to coming to her house to be fed! you know animals and how sensitive they are to change but hes my baby and i need him more than he needs me right now.

HA AND LOL i look like a bag lady and was asked out on a date yesterday a guy ive seen around a bit but thought he was married? NO hes seperated!
But no last thing i need right now is a man to add to my very stressful life!!!

Just wanted to say thanks and good wishes for all of you. Take care and find peace....

Me1000? Those are nice words that I just don't like the sound of - what's going on?

Kaz you did not walk away you were forced away-my heart goes out to you-my dumb PHD nephew told his father something I told him in confidence and all h*ll broke loose in our family but I have to just let it go for now and pray-let us know how you are doing

Kazzaa.

Long pause.

Jump in: what I would like to hear is that you have got somewhere to go where you can get away. Away from the situation with your mother, away from all that's going on with her, somewhere where there is no pressure of any description on you to do anything or be anywhere (or go out and collect more trouble!!! - but it's nice to be *asked*, as my aunt used to say), somewhere where you can take stock, get your mind together to focus on this court case you've got coming up, and after that take things one at a time.

I'm suggesting this because I remember it as a brief moment of calm when I was a teenager, not because you're in Ireland, so don't yell at me: is there anywhere you could go on retreat for a fortnight? Obviously you'd need to pick your place with care - the last thing you'd need is anyone haranguing you about filial piety - but, as I say, I remember my pre-confirmation retreat with some longing. Eye of the hurricane.

It's just an idea. You have got such a sh!tstorm going on it must be impossible to think or sleep.

Kaz, just take care of you. CM is right, you should try to get away, further than down the street. Bro is just down the street too? The closer you stay the more tempted you will be to step in and rescue Mom whenever. If you stay with your friend, avoid the temptation to rescue Mom, just call the authorities each time reminding them of the situation and now your brother is to be taking responsibility for your Mom.

CM I am ok? just in shock that brother attacked me and my arm is sore BUT im a fighter. Survied a bad childhood a bad marriage and I will survive this! I am just a few houses away from mum so don't worry have made a firm decision that this time I walk away but am there when things get bad with mum.

CM I will go away when I get some cash! it will take along time to get over all this and then mum is declining so I will always be here for her BUT just not fully involved.

my friend lives alone and works so I will be able to relax eventually.

I didn't sleep last night and had a horrific nightmare? I took a sleeping tab but it didn't work. it will take a few days to calm down as im still shaking cant eat and endless fags and coffee which isn't good.

I will seek out a support group here there is one I just havnt gone yet? I will TRY and stop smoking kinda have to now as I have to pay some rent to her! I will be POOR BUT mentally calmish!!

Like ive said before ive grown in strength in the last year you get stronger OR you crack? havnt cracked yet?

financially things will be bad but if I give up fags ill be ok. maybe finally get fit and get my head straight??

Im so hurt and angry right now BUT I love and care for mum to walk away and try not to care will be hard BUT I am determined to stick this out so siblings can wake up.

As glad said and shes right IF mum wants me back and I did go back and look after her it would be legal so she cant chuck me out when she feels like it? BUT I think as long as brother is so near that will never happen?

Im in a bad place I cant get lower SO the only way now is UP UP UP! im 49yrs old my best friend was killed on a bike at 17yrs she would have been 50 today! so I think of her and think well I made it this far I cant get through this.

I will never speak to brother and sister again what they've done now is too much I feel betrayed and a lot of anger towards mum but that will not last as I know its not her fault.

I just don't think anyone had any idea just how gut wrenching this illness is really more help is needed the world needs to wake up to this!

On a positive my friend is very spiritual and it her through a lot so we are having a bottle of wine and AN angel night!!

Yep ill be lighting candles and asking for help! I truly believe in FATE things are meant to be for a reason.

If I didn't lose my job in UK and come home here AND have an accident I think mum would have been dead. So im here and ive got her help I know shes not here for much longer so I will just TRY and be a daughter again and cherish what time she has left IF she lets me. I now have two bullies involved now so I stay away!

Brother thinks mums ok and its her diabetes and old age then let him sort it. Until they wake up im done!

On a positive I am so grateful for everyone on here so much love and support it really does help to not crack! just to know that others understand what im going through is enough who needs therapy eh?

My brother BROKE my computer lead so he has to get me a new one so don't worry if you don't hear from me I will get a new one but friend I don't know if she has a computer so bear with me.

I need you great guys more than ever youre all such a great bunch I see such love and strength on here so I owe to you all to get through this!

I imagaine all of us meeting in a huge arena and partying one day!!

hugs to all who are going through worse than I am right now I will always be grateful for my own health it could be worse!!!!!!!! GULP

Hurt and angry is exactly it, Kaz. That's what is frightening. Your friend sounds like a good 'un but I would be happier if you were away from the scene completely. Not forever, but just for now completely.

I think your family loves you very much but can't help you. I think you love them very much but can't cope with them, not for now. I believe that in time and God willing, this could all come right (as much as messy families are ever "right"); but for now I wish you were in a safe, calm place well away from all sources of stress. You need a little while off the treadmill completely.

What about that case? Are you well represented?

Kaazaa,

No matter what.....since your brother agressed upon you, try not to be available at any level. He's shown some true colors here, and I feel that people who go this far, may try it again.

I'm am so glad that you have this friend, where you can be.
Try to resist the temptation of going over there to become available to your mom, too. Somewhere in the dementia, or whatever is causing her not to mentally function anymore......remember bottom line, she needs you more than you need her, especially right now. Don't allow your elder, even if you succumb to "the you feel bad for her, you think you're the only one who would care for her properly etc.", to get yourself rethreaded into this kind of a caregiving situation. You do need some kind of a formal agreement if this were to happen, to protect yourself.

But at the other end, if you've a sibling who is so bold as to assault you,
well.....my view is that the writing is on the wall. If he's done it one time, he may just do this again. I realize, that no matter what......you still sound concerned about your mother. But YOU, should seriously also consider what you will tolerate!

My mom's sister aggressed on me several times, when I was living at mom's
She was there too. Finally when she got me into a literal head lock, had me by my hair, I thought, "Oh no."! Even if this means that I won't be around mother as much, say in the future when she's declining.......I am not willing to tolerate that behavior by her sister, and then even have mom come to me and accuse ME,
of having started something like this. When this incident happened, believe it or not.....really impacted years later......when they'd lost their power. They were now two old ladies, who needed help/care. I was not the designated one to move in there to do this either, my sister was. Had I been, I would have declined.
My sister had a horrible time of it w/our aunt too for about 5 yrs., until she died.
She was never diagnosed either, I'm sure she had a mental condition. But she was the total narcissist.

I just share this w/you though, since it has to do with the physical abuse,
and as we all know too well even the authorities, many times just turn their heads. We still live in a very patriarchal system, when it comes to domestic violence, sad to say, even though it's in the news a lot lately.

Hugs,
Much Love & Light! Margeaux