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Toxicfammember,

Welcome to the thread.
I'm really sorry you are in the situation you are in.
I'm no expert in this area, however do you think maybe if you sought out an elder law attorney, maybe they could point you in the right direction. You may even try Department of Social Services.
I feel like you are at the end of your rope. At least the way you've expressed everything it really sounds as if you are more than ready to take some action.
Do come back and share with us, it does help. I'm very glad that you found this thread.

Hugs,
Much Love & Light! Margeaux
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Kaazaa,

Well, you did what you had to do, even if you are sorry that it got to this level.

Your poor kitty! Yes, they're like children they do suffer when the sh*t hits the fan.
Give him some extra strokes, and try a little if at best to detach from some of this.
You need to pay attention to yourself in all of this. Now that you've contracted the proper offices, let them handle it.

Hugs,
Much Love & Light! Margeaux
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Margeaux,

Thanks for asking. I'm doing ok. My psychiatrist removed abilify from my banquet of meds. She thinks that my previous psychiatrist overmedicated me with abilify. I have a little more energy, but not as much as I need to get more things done.

My dad's dementia continues to worsen as his long term memory is starting to go. My family and I will be visiting with him in October.

The first year anniversary of my mother's death on October 4 is only a few days away. He death still seems to be a long time ago.
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Sharyn the password on the joint account is a big red flag. I am assuming you have never abused the account. by that I mean buying anything expensive without discussion. This is more of a crossroads for you than I realized. there will be a
" good" explanation. "It was a loan for the downpayment on her car so she can get to work or to pay for her son's orthodontist. Look she has already made a payment" Sure she will make the first one that is just her way of priming the pump to ask for more. I may be a nasty suspicious old lady but 'fool me once, shame on you fool me twice shame on me"
I do actually agree with Margerau that it is easy to give advice when your own pain is in the past. Believe me I am not trusting and complacent. I keep a very good eye on everything. It seems as though there has never been financial trust between the two of you and this definitely needs to change. Some one I know filed for divorce and hubby immediately ran up all kinds of credit card debt. After the divorce he filed bankruptcy and she ended up having to pay his debts. I know this sounds sneaky on your part but in your shoes I would have a secret bank account just in case you need to get out. Either use a post office box ot have the statement sent to a trusted friend or family member. You may also want to consult a lawyer at this point. he may look sorry but what is he sorry for decieving you or getting caught?
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Me 1000. your kids don't hate you they are mentally ill and need treatment.
Are either or both of you children adopted? Possibly from an Eastern European country. Your son definitely sounds as though he needs to be institutionalized so this can all be sorted out and any necessary medications started. He really could hurt you.
Grounding is not the answer here. How is his school work? does he cause trouble in school, get into fights, hang with a bad crowd? Is he into drugs? In a gang? does he use drugs? steal from you? does he cause damage in the home? Put his fist through walls. You certainly can call the police on him and they will transport him for a psychiatric evaluation. With your daughter she can't "refuse' to go to school. call the school and speak to one of the guidence councillors. Take away her toys and if she becomes uncontrolable call the police on her too. You are the adult and parent here..don't be bullied by these kids. Don't physically fight with them walk away and call for help. They both need treatment not grounding. Where is their father?

As for grandpa. Don't tolerate his crap either. no one has to be a gourmet cook. Put the food on the table and if he starts to complain pick up your plate and go eat somewhere else. You are worth more than this, you are not an indentured servant. you do have powers so go find your big girl panties. We are all here for you. I am trying to be helpful not cruel.
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cmagnum- I was so tempted to do that this morning but didnt.No, we barely had a discussion a few months or so ago with Dr but Dr said as long as school goes well, life is going overall good no need to. I told my daughter once she has an issue, we will get her tested etc. Well, to me, she has her issues and yes, her appt is in a few weeks for reg PED and referrals.Im sorry to hear about you having to call on your loved on to, its hard to make that decision.

gladimhere- Ive heard of that but idk about for kids? I want them with me but they need help, we all do for everyone.

jujubean- I know its hard to even think Id have to do this. His PED said dont as well as his neurologist.. uggh. But yes I have about 30 seconds of clips of him screaming and breaking things but not the ILL kill you part. When he sees the phone he jumps at me to get it to break it. But, I need to have a hidden cam for a 48 hr period on pills and not to see difference etc!!! Good idea!

Margeaux- I know its so hard, your right, with everything going on I do feel defeated!

kaazzaa- I been reading too and feel bad for everyone but Im at such a low right now -I dont want to say the wrong things to anyone. Im so lost its crazy.. keep saine? Ha!!! I feel like a robot but whos circuits are about to blow up in flames...
Omg!!! Yes I feel as if I have to video record every single last second of my life and broadcast to the world to have proof how my life is!!! But then I feel they will find fault in the truth or say it was edited!!!!!! My mind has been so screwed up which has gotten worse over the years. Does it makes sense that a part of me stayed obese( I am a stress eater tho) also because it helped guys stay awy from me ( except a few chubby chasers) because mentally and physically I no longer wanted to be with anyone and no one believed me so I used the fat excuse and they bought it!!!

Its hard to believe my life is the way it is, the things I been through, friends or so called believed the hotty girls or my exes or other friends over me for certain things just because? Then I get this family stuff going on and its so hard. Im sick and tired of having to prove my intentions, my GOOD intentions! Sure I made mistakes, but I never thought I was that bad...maybe we are related!!! I used to write and would like to write about my life and other things but once again I was told my writing made no sense( ok, well I dont makes sense even on here true)


I love you all and wish you all so much peace and health. Thank you all and when I can Ill strart responding to your alls posts too. Your not forgotten and im not trying to be greedy just need to be in a calm place before I can attempt to advice!! But Im here and struggling with you all , besides you all
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Me1000 you don't need to offer advice to post on here. Just reading about your struggles is help to other people dealing with the same issues. You are making perfect sence. it is other peoples choice whether they choose to read your posts or nor so don't feel you are just taking up space. You are a real person with real needs not someone trying to hog the pages.
As for writing your life story i think it would be an excellent idea even if it is just a journal for yourself. Writing has a great way of relieving tension and taking your mind off what is going on around you. So what if it is nonsence when you go back after the battle is won you will understand just what you were trying to say.
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Me1000....ditto on Veronica91!!! esp. on writing, it is a great release!
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Me1000. Your son, though loved by you, has crossed a line and you have every right to feel afraid of him. You are in the precarious position of an abused person. Should you open this up to outside help, he might well break. My teenaged years were spent with a gun at my head or threat of bomb or suicide from my brother. I couldn't get help because because I wasn't being "sexually abused." No, locked in bro's black-painted bedroom with his rantings and violence. So convinced bro to see psychologist. Didn't matter. Smoothed for awhile but violent urge was there. The title of this thread is DYSFUNCTIONAL FAMILIES. No amount of love or tolerance will turn the Titantic of your son's mental illness or decisions. You must reach out for help for him while he is young enough to be in a fishnet. Otherwise, as an "adult" -- he will live his imperative and dreams. Please reach out to your country agencies. Contact Women's Shelters. 30 years after my bro's violent suicide, I just learned you can even call your local Police who may have a domestic abuse specialist who will be extremely sensitive to your situation. Do not allow this man-child to take your life in any form.
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ME, how long are you willing to go through this? I have a cousin, now 40 years old, and has put his parents through he!! for most of his life. He has pulled knives on his ex-wife. He was committed to a psychiatric institutioin for several months while they got meds straightened out. If it were me, because I have heard how bad these things can get, sooner rather than later! Sometimes we have to put our wants second, to get the help needed for those we love. Your son has caused enough disruption to your family. Get him the help he needs!
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A police friend of mine told me that sometimes the person in a family who threatens to kill someone either in or outside of the immediate family, they are a danger to everyone in the house for their anger can reach the point of a blind rage where they just strike out at the nearest person to them. I hope this is not true in your situation, but I'd be careful the next time your son says he wants to kill you.
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Margeaux, I have tried to talk to one. I have called from one county to another, to get answer. Today, I typed up the paper work and it was notarize. It will be mailed out tomorrow to both parents, where they have to sign for them. I am stepping down from MPOA for good. Before they are mailed I am heading to Adult Protective services ( APS) and ask for the state to step in and take guardianship of mom. So that she will get the right medical help, as well she will be protected. If he does what he does to me, to the state personal. He will either go to jail or be put in a mental ward. I am off from work tomorrow and will get this done. From there, after I am sure mom will be protected and she will get the medical needs she will need. I am then walking away for ever. This time there will be no turning back. A friend of our family has known me since I was a little child. She has seen the abuse I have taken over the years. She stated just today, she has never figure out how I have taken it all my life as I have. She said it was time, I walk away. With my medical problems I have. The less years I have left is 30 to 40 years, not much more, but could be less. It is time I enjoy life and live in peace and happiness. So, it about kills me of what I have to do. Even my husband is worried of what could/can happen to my mother. But as he said, it is going to cause me to be put away, if I don't do this. I have already called my dr. and have a appt. to see if I can get my medication dose up some for a little while. My daughter has called all day to check on me. But when she could not get me on the phone, she called her dad. They figure out why I was not answering the phone. I unplugged the house phone and only had cell on. My husband knew why then. But after they figure that out. They knew I was ok for now, that I was working, but keeping toxic away from me. My husband has already told our kids, that tomorrow I will have my own car back. That not to look for me. He knows I will go to one of two places after I take care of business. I will either be at a friend of ours farm to just scream for a while, or I will be out or other house in the country, where there is no noise, no phones, nothing, to lay in the sun and think, watch the wild animals and all. This calls my heart and mind down, to wear I can rest and start the healing. So, yes I am starting the process that I will no longer have my side of family around me. It will be like all my family has passed away and I am alone. After going through that for about a week. I will began to heal and move on. I will always have my husband and kids. I just need the healing process to start. Margeaux, Thank you for Welcoming me in. It is nice to know someone out there do care, even if they don't know you.
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Me1000, I have not read everything about your son. I have only seen parts of what is going on. I don't know how old he is. But what I have read so far, sounds like what we went through with our daughter years back. After calling the police and having her removed. It was only weeks later we got help from health and human resource and she was committed into children Physic hospital to find out what was wrong. It the best thing we could had done for her. We found out what was wrong and started her on meds. So for you to get help, might have to do the same thing. It will be a peace of mind and for those weeks he is there, you will start to heal as well. Our daughter was in that hospital for a month. Now she lives on her own and doing very well, with her mental problems. You can also see this as well, do what has to be done to get there. Oh yea, if you do this, be ready for every reason he hates you. But he will one day say Thank you, ours did. Good Luck
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Veronica~In alll honesty, I have to add that I have not called the 1800 #for our bank in several years...so on that issue I do have to give him the benefit of the doubt regarding the password and when he put it on the accounts. However, Kate did text him this morning and she also texted him through fb yesterday. He admitted it, records show he did not text back and he said he has told her to stop. On Wednesday the 24th when they were texting back and forth so heavily and he received the cell incoming call from Western Union, ...he said she had hit him up for $200 and he was considering doing it but...he said he isn't that stupid. I have to believe him since he is very frugal. He admitted tonight that he found her attentions very flattering. I responded that that is normal and human nature. She is a scammer who has been trained how to talk to men like my husband.

Tomorrow, I work 9-3...when my hubs gets home from work, we are going to verizon to get our upgraded phones and change our numbers. This should stop her from any further contact. You all have no idea how tempted I am to text her to say you are nothing but a scamming sl&T. I want to tell you all who have fb who she is but I wont. She is 33 years old....I told my hubs...not to degrade you, but anyone that much younger than you...is usually looking for money.

I am not able to locate how to inform face book about her scam, not the they will do anything since her account is not against their standards, but she is definitely a scammer.

I am feeling better than I was this morning,,,my mind was reeling, not being clear headed and was seriously considering moving to Idaho. I haven't been able to eat much for almost a week now. I think from what my hubs told hold me tonight, I am getting a clear picture and can move forward now.
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SM,
There is a way to report this and Facebook wants it's users to. I did a google search for "Facebook report send money scam" and the fifth item that came up is the request for reports of this sort of activity. It is important to make these reports because who knows how many others she has duped and other people she will try to do this to.

It is wonderful that you think you have this worked out. Do you think that he will not do this again? I still think counseling is in order. Or maybe a chat with an attorney would be wise as hubs could hear from someone else how expensive and dangerous this sort of activity can become. Maybe Facebook even has some counseling on its site why this activity is not appropriate.
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Sharyn, the thing I worry about with your husband and FaceBook & the lady is this... You know how addictive this site is for us? Do you think he will have the same problems like us - when we try to stay away? Try to Not come over to check out what's happening here. Try Not to post to anyone at all. It is very difficult. Maybe he didn't get in deep like most of us - how we all put our emotions into here, posting about our angst, encouraging others and vice versa. Sometimes when I'm shopping with sis, I would wonder what's happening on here. Or when I'm at work, mid afternoon, I wonder. Hopefully your husband didn't get too deep into it like us.
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Sharynmarie so glad this is all coming out and getting sorted! Like glad said i would get counselling together!

Hugs
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Sharyn your husband seems to be taking all the right steps to restore your trust. it is a good step to change your phone numbers and for him to shut down his FB account.
Your husband is not unique, however special he is to you. The temptation is out there and they have needs that go unmet. Often it may have to do with their current situation. OK we have all heard these stories about toxic childhoods and don't believe this should make a difference to the behaviour of a 50 year old man. Most people can control these feelings (if they want to) But the pain of a childhood where rejection was the norm, does not go away. We see this in so many posters.
on here.
Now to these women on the internet, their activities are not less than prostitution. Are prostitutes sex addicts? Is that why they stand on street corners with skirts so short they get frost bite in unexpected places. No this is the way these women make or have to make their living. Internet preditors are doing the same thing but with no frostbite involved. They all have good stories and mostly real needs for the money they request. The sob stories are the same ones we hear everyday often very true. They are so good at preying on the emotions of vulnerable men. if you are good at your job it's not that difficult. With a good imagination the ideas for a story are all around us. We see a few people here that we quickly label as trolls and just read a column like "Dear Abbey" and there are plenty of questions that you can make your own.
Sharyn I am in no way excusing your husband's behaviour. you were just far more vigilant than me and caught it before it got out of hand. I just never believed that mine would do something like that. But I have learnt a lot in the past 25 years about human behaviour and the way things work. All of us have our own limits and are free to make at least some of our own decisions.
Things will never be the same Sharyn, hopefully they will be better with more understanding on both sides. Stay vigilant but don't obscess. Some therapy is certainly in order really to help you both learn more about the way things work , the reasons and our reactions. I don't know if marriage councilling as such actually works because we have never done it the one question I had that was never answered was "Why"?
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Book I am very concerned that you are so addicted to this site. I do think most of the posters are genuinely concerned for everyone else who posts and have made real friends but this is not like a soap opera where you can't wait for the next episode.
You have to set boundaries
.If I want the opinion of someone I have come to trust I send them a private message and ask.
I do spend a lot of time on the site I do admit but that is because I believe I have the practical experience and knowledge that is helpful to share.
It is also very therapeutic to be appreciated and my physical activity is more limited these days so it is far healthier to be thinking of other people than mindlessly watching TV. I used never to sit down with out some craft on my lap. I could knit with out looking at the project and talk of watch TV at the same time. My bodily weaknesses have curtailed some physical activities and moved me on to others. Walking a mile has become a major achievement when I was always on my feet or just walking the country roads for pleasure with my dog.
Does not mean I am not still interested but my energy is better put to other uses.
Of course you worry about other posters who you have known for a long time but try and seperate your concerns from your everyday life. These people are all taking care of their own problems with their local rescourses or not as the case may be. Your advise may be helpful but by the very nature of the communications can't be life saving. This is not a suicide hot line, we only know in general terms where someone is so we can't send the police or ambulance round. Our involvement can only be a second line of help and we have to realize that by the time we read and answer the post the emergency has been resolves in some way.
This is not healthy for you Book you already have so many other problems to deal with in real life which you have to deal with in person. Much as we might like to Come over and sit with dad and give you a few nights off I for one am not saving my pennies to fly to a far off island. So God Bless, step back and divert you mind
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I thought about what you said, Veronica. I spend time checking back here often. I know in my case it is because things don't feel right. It's almost like I'm looking for something that fits and I can say, "That's it!" By now I realize that there are no easy answers. What is going on in our lives is different than generations before have experienced. It doesn't seem right, although nothing is really wrong. I am glad we have the comfort of each other.
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I will try.
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It's been a couple months since I last posted, things seemed to be getting better. Unfortunately it was short lived. The one steady woman we had taking care of my mom just left without saying anything. The past two weeks I have had 4 caregivers come in who have all been overwhelmed by mom's care. The fifth left this morning after my mother soiled herself. It's very hard knowing my mother requires so much care and that no one wants to do it. No one will even give my mother the decency of respect. Going to work is scary with mom alone. She is very young (60) but without help it feels like a nursing home may be our only answer. The home health field is a crock. It was 10 years ago we started getting help at home (when I was 13) and still my mother can't even bottomline respect from an individual. The agencies I'm afraid are no better than the employees they are equipped with. I'm writing this at work and I'm just hoping mom will be ok. I was able to go home to clean her up, but it's very hard to concentrate. I really needed to vent to those who understand. Wish you all love and luck in your favor xx
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Brazilian,
Yes, if home care workers keep leaving it is time for a nursing home. She should not be left alone.
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Veronica91- Idk why I didnt see your post Im sorry! No they are natural born by me and my ex, though mental illness runs on my moms side and their dad is violent and over sexual, all the men are but all deny it with no diagnose. He has ADHD,Sleep Issues, one Dr agrees ODD but they didnt put it on his records until the meds get situated for the ADHD to make sure its not included.Now on Clonidine and Daytrana which is helping woth his getting out of seat at school, hyperactivity, daredevil, lack concentration, etc from adhd( still there but a lot less of it) At school he holds in his anger when he gets mad or slams a basketball up and down at recess or lunch but overall no fights thank goodness! Bad crowd not yet fingers crossed of courses hes 8 yrs old still so also no drugs,gangs and hasnt stole from me. Yes, damage to the home, hes broken 2 windows, several doors by slamming, peeling the wood off the door( old doors) holes in doors by objects, still writes on walls,tables, doors,breaks his own stuff and ours when angry, never apologizes for what he says or does later but is all sweet and loving until the rage hits. Id never physically fight them, have yelled a lot though. Your not being cruel, just asking questions! We will see about the journal

jujubean- I know I used to feel that way!

50sChild- Im so sorry you and your family went through that with your brother. It does take a toll on the other family members and Im adding that to my daughters issues too. Thanks for the info

gladimhere- Idk glad, I know one way or the other this will come to an end.. the ending scares me because I fear the worst and I hate not being able to do more for them, for all of us.

cmagnum- Ive seen that happen.. well we all have... all over the news for one. I cant believe this is even going on, I never imagined I would have kids and family with these issues. I know you started this thread and this thread does fit me, all of us here. Thank you and good luck to you.
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Hey all,
Feeling emotional melancholy/ this past week marks the anniversary of taking mom in as I mentioned. It is also the anniversary/season of loss of the family. we all had our bday's together within 10days of mom. She blessed me with the 87th on Sunday, mine today and the boys would follow within a week. then dad passes 10 days later. it is heavy time period emotionally! Going thru all the family drama, happy life is now peaceful but lonely, and still dealing with aftermath of the drama and try healing those wounds, many years later!!!
Thankful to have a place and people to talk things out!
Peace, Juju!!!
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Me 1000 I really feel for you. it is a truly horrible situation when you are dealing with your own children, but in a way you are lucky because you do have an early diagnosis and have accepted it so that does put you ahead of the game.
In todays society where mental illness still remains largely hidden it is very difficult to get the help you need so you have to become a squeaky wheel and that is not easy when you are so overwhelmed and feeling helpless your self. one woman i knew fought and fought for her child with no help from the scoold. Put him into private school where he did better but had to return to public school after 8th grade and back to the ridiculing and bullying. the parents were able to hire tutors to get him through high school and now in his 20s he is still at home and going daily to the community college. his mother says he could never live in a doom he just would not get out of bed for class, not take a shower or change his clothes. So every day she has to supervise his every move. I doubt he will ever hold an independent job abough he is quite bright. Do take care of yourself though. You are an important person in your own right. I see you don't want any masculine involvement and many women feel the same way after a bad experience and that is a perfectly wise choice. that is no excuse to let your healthcare or appearance slide. you are worth more than that. Love yourself. Blessings
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Today, got a call from a hospital about 400 miles from here. The friend that caused the fire at my home a month ago is quite sick. Diagnosis osteomyelitis. He was in the hospital overnight after the fire, and when they released him, he could barely walk. Has been complaining of back and hip pain for more than a year. He had seen his own doc that just kept prescribing pain killers! Now he is in another state, is Medicaid pending here, now what? I have detached from the situation, told the SW at the hospital to call his father.
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Veronica91-Im back and fourth its what a few others told me whats wrong with them but overall in my mind and heart they just hate me. Their dad says they wont act like that with him and they will be happy because its all me. Of course at times he says Im a wonderful mother so hes like playing with my head too. Grandpa is pissed because im depressed, tired and sick, plus dealing with all this going on and I was trying to sleep ( son up til 2am almost last night and grandpa kept asking if I was sleeping yet or resting to close my eyes and sleep, when I dozed the nightmares started. I tried all day off and on I was going to decorate for halloween but I dont have the care to anymore. For what reason? I just want to leave and never come back....
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Oh, they found him collapsed on the side of the highway, next to his truck, five days ago. Now they want to develop a care plan for him, they know he will not do the followup required, and he is not capable. He is talking nonsense, brain just is not functioning properly.
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Juju, you quietly shared here not long ago. Your raw grief today hits me hard. Thank you for sharing what must be so hard to face. I hear that you have lost so much, too many. Your grief and their memory is going to be with me tonight. I'll light a candle. Your surviving with this just inspires me. Love to you.
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