The Caregiver & Dysfunctional Families: How are you doing?

Sharyn Just a Hug from me

Thank you Veronica!!! I really do appreciate all you and glad and everyone has said. I have not given up, but I am intelligent enough to know that I can't change him, I can only change myself and how I react to situations.

Sharyn, great idea. I want a Bob Vila or even someone close! LOL! But I bet they still have trouble completing g their own projects, if they do them. And with the mess at my house I could sure use help! They have been two weeks on asbestos abatement now. And found more to do.

GLAD-LOL!! I would settle for Tim Taylor at least his boo boos got fixed! Yes. We have popcorn ceilings....is it asbestos?? Built in early 70s. My heart goes to you...a big messy project and costly too. The stress of a Reno is great!

Sharyn I don't think popcorn ceilings are usually asbestos. OK anyway as long as you don't disturb it.

hi all

Sharyn - I think lots of men have some of those characteristics. Certain things must not be violated, as they are so damaging to a relationship - but others can be tolerated or worked with. Gary can do carpentry, electrical, plumbing, tiling, you name it he can do it, but getting that to happen is another thing. You know the saying about not having to remind a guy 6 months later. With G it is about 3 years later. His sense of time and urgency is different than most. If it is a crisis he will respond immediately, and, like you, I got tired of making crises to get some things to happen. Mostly I approach it calmly and logically as I find he responds best that way. I make lists and we check off what has been done. I find it works better if I tell him that he must get the kitchen drawer fixed before he goes to the horses this weekend. One or two tasks and a deadline. Initially he did not want me to hire anyone because it was "his" job, but he is more willing now for some jobs. If I allow things to build up emotionally for me, then I throw too much at him and he withdraws. Yes, we have to manage our own feelings. I find writing things down helps and then giving him a copy and going over them with him. Men tend to get concrete examples of things better that talk about emotions I have told him that sometimes I feel like a saddle bag that he throws on a horse to be used on the ride when it suits him. That picture he understands. When we were first together he used to compare me to a mare - hard to handle unless they are pregnant. It was obvious he thought of himself as a gelding, friendly, quiet and easy going. I told him that he was no gelding, he was a stallion and expected his mare to follow him wherever he went with no questions asked. It hit home. lol Communication is necessary and finding ways to resolve conflict.. There are always problems, so one has to find ways to resolve them. He had improved enormously re communication and that took a lot of work on my part explaining that I needed it and also praising him when he did it. Men need admiration like they need air. It is the way they are made - respect and admiration and it needs to come from their mate.

linda - glad your mum's new room mate is working out

Alison - I would not nag your dad - tell him it is his choice and then wait for the consequences to kick in. He is informed about his condition.You can lead a horse to water... I know it is hard to watch it happen.

Oh gosh, I have a situation. G has been busy, so ex G is driving me to the bus and coming for bkfst tomorrow and just heard from G that he will come for breakfast as he has to go away on business after that so we will not see one another for about a while again. G says he will come early so we have a little time together alone. G is always late, ex G is early so they should arrive about the same time lol. They get along fine so that is not a problem and G has very few jealous bones in his body. Unfortunately he leaves plans to the last moment. I would have much rather spent the morning with him.

I will start another post about the meeting.

My SIL was released from he hospital last week.
My brother (her husband) is rather quiet and really a private kind of guy.
So information about what exactly happened to the SIL is rather sketchy.
We do know she apparently went in for a Laparoscopic procedure for her gallbladder. She then ended up in ICU for a week and this was since she was running an infection, her BP shot up, and her heart was working hard.
Then we find out that she also had part of her intestine cut, it was infected.
She was sent home with, and were not sure if it's either some kind of nutritional feeding tube. Then my sister says that she thinks this is being done interveneously. IDK, again since my brother doesn't give exact information about it. Not that he has to.

So today my sister was saying that she's going to see my brother this weekend.
They have some business to deal with concerning mom's rentals. My sister told me, her exact words, "I'm going to grill him." She's too much. I didn't say anything to this.

Much Love & Light! Margeaux

Sharyn, I love Tim Taylor! In fact a man I had a crush on a long time ago dressed as Tim the Tool Man Taylor for Halloween one year. Thanks for the reminder of the fun memory!

The meeting went well and all are happy about mother's "progress". We are agreed that a mental health facility is needed, which limits choices, but she can use that kind of care and likely will need it more in the future.The psychiatrist is very pleased with her and we all agreed that her continuing to accept the injections is unexpected and great. Answers to prayer, I say. Her dementia is progressing, but, despite that, on the risperidone, she is much calmer and even a little happy. The only paranoia was that they were taking her good clothes and giving her cheap ones, but she just mentioned it once.

G and I found her coat and sweater in storage. She was waiting for us in the lobby. G said there was no spark of recognition in her eyes towards him which has not happened before. It is a sign of her decline. I went to her room with her and we went through her clothing. I came away with about as much as I brought - some for alterations. She did not recognise her own coat, but accepted that it was the one she has asked for. She fussed about sweaters, but has a few in her closet, so really doesn't need more.

She is not happy that she will not have a 2 bedroom unit again, but c'est la vie. She refused meds when she had one and that set things on this track and there is no going back. The staff will have to help her settle in once she moves. Not all places require a new mattress, so I did not buy one. I will wait and see. We chatted about family and she was her old "good" self then - or as good as it gets.

We will do a tour of her new facility before she moves - part of the process - which will help in deciding what she needs there. They also said that considering her age they think the facility would keep her in the same place when/if she needs nursing home type care. That is a relief. I sure hope so.

They want me to take over getting her supplements, so I will go to that store tomorrow in the way to the bus and set things up for when she moves.

Today I am tired - still not over this flare up - so took it easy. Weather is still nice which is a bonus. All in all it went as well as, or better than, expected. But I still find it somewhat draining. I guess it is the mixture of emotions it brings up. I know you all understand.
Have a good night.

Oh and popcorn ceilings? All my ceilings were popcorn boy do they ever get smoke damage, think about putting popcorn in a bag of fireplace ashes and you will get the idea. In my house two of the rooms were popcorn with asbestos, the remainder of the rooms were popcorn without asbestos. Go figure, these old houses. And they now found another phase of asbestos removal to do. Unbelievable! And nothing wrong with asbestos if it is not disturbed. Once it gets disturbed it gets everywhere very easily!

And Sharyn, the stress of Reno? Took me a sec, Reno would be nice if I could win. But the renovation is quite stressful as would be Reno if I was loosing! LOL!

Yiglad-LOL! my kindle kept capitalizing it but figured you know what I mean. I dont know if our ceilings are asbestos or not.

Sharyn, go to bed, get some sleep!

Emjo I had to go back and re-read your words of wisdom several times as each one contained a nuget of gold. I spent far too many years following like the obedient mare. it did not work it merely made me an enabler
These days I am far from obedient and make my own decisions. If he has an anxiety attack that I realize I have caused I will preface my remark with"Now don't get mad but I---------" That seems to let the air out of the balloon before it bursts.
The trick is finding out what is provoking the crisis.
When the tap is dripping if I offer to call the plumber it works far better than asking him to fix it. If it means the money won't be there to have the nice dinner out planned for Friday huby is perfectly able to work that out for himself and if he is capable fix it himself. Rather than getting mad and issuing orders it works far better to pitch the decion back to the male and then SHUT UP. ater that if the heat is too much you may have to get our of the kitchen.

There's no such think as a "functional" family. And we're not "dysfunctional" we are simply all human. Some family members are shy, some are overzealous. Some are lazy and some work much too hard. Some want to be the leader and others just want to be left alone. Every family I know is a jigsaw puzzle of personalities, styles and feelings. Sometimes the pieces fit together to form a great picture but most of the time we've got the right piece in the wrong place or some of the pieces have fallen on the floor. Its learning how to cope with the mis-placed pieces or trying to find the time to locate the lost ones that is so overwhelming at times. I had a very weary day yesterday with Mom's tantrums just because I asked her to try to remember to turn off the kitchen faucet. She leaves it running and my water bill this month is $430.00. She's one of the lost pieces that I know we won't find.

Maggie sounds as though it would be worth your while installing one of the automatic faucets that is only on when you put your hands under it. You know the things you find in public rest rooms. has to be worth the investment with a water bill that high

Miamaggi, the definition of dysfunctional is " Behaving or acting outside of the social norms " or " Not operating normally or properly ". In my family I have had a sister who stole thousands of dollars from my parents while my father was on his death bed. A brother who drank himself to death at the age of 55 (died two weeks ago) A sister who is bi-polar and a sister who is very self absorbed. If that isn't dysfunctional I don't know what is!

I understand what you're saying about "dysfunction" and the clinical definition but then every family is dysfunctional because every family has one or more of those. And if every family is dysfunctional then that IS the norm.

I know many families who are Saints compared to mine namely my husband's family. Him, his sister and brother all help care for his mom and never have a problem. They've always gotten along great. I am envious of them.

I think some people expect a functional family to be perfect, but it is not because people are not perfect. I think a functional and a dysfunctional family are on a continuum. It is a matter of degree and various psychological/social/religious norms set the boundaries of what is expected of a functional family. When those boundaries are broken, problems become major issues and the family gets diagnosed as dysfunctional.

I think the same thing is true of mental health. No one is completely mentally healthy, but until a person exhibits certain traits of a diagnosed mental illness, we consider them mentally well. Even mental illness is on a continuum for some mental illnesses are more severe than others and some stay on their meds while others don't.

Very well put, Cmag!

There is a good article on PsychCentral "What Makes a Family Functional vs Dysfunctional?"

Hi Everyone, Thank you all for the good wishes and all. I have been taking it easy. I did go to my dr appt the other day. Good results there. Sunday and Monday, my husband with the help of our son, moved kitchen cabinets from a old house that is going to be tore down (handmade) to our house. Kept me very busy. I relized today, off from work and nothing to do. So I sit around and just rested. Oh yea, since I blocked their numbers from my cell phone. Dad has not called me 24 hrs a day for stupid stuff. I have not heard from him at all. It has been so peaceful. I am not crying anymore and a family member (only cousin I talk to) has called and also we have talked online. The healing is slowly and I am trying to not think about it at all. Well bed time for me. Nite

Joan~Thank you for your input. I do appreciate it. I know how I am going to proceed and it is the way that causes me the least stress. Some things are learn behaviors and I do believe that is what I am dealing with here.

Margeaux - is that the sil that is separated or am I mixing her up with someone else? Your sister is too much! Not really her business.

Thx Veronica - You are right - the obedient mare does not work. I like how you handle the dripping tap, and agree that throwing the ball back is a good idea. I have a lifetime of experience of how not to do it and when I decided to open myself up to another relationship I followed some advice I read, which was to look at the one, two or three things that I contributed to the failure of my previous relationships, and commit to doing things differently. The one thing that stood out to me was that I did not speak up about my needs appropriately, so then feelings built up and I got angry or resentful. I was faithful, a good wife in the kitchen and the bedroom, a good mother, earned well to contribute and didn't overspend etc. And it took a while to see how me not speaking up about my needs contributed to relationship breakdown. I mention it here because it is a direct result of growing up in a dysfunctional family. I learned that my needs didn't count and speaking up about them was not "allowed". I carried this into my close adult relationships and it did not work. I also teamed with people who had some of the dysfunctions my parents had. Having figured that out after quite a few years of being on my own, I determined, when I started dating again, that I would speak up, and I have. I am still learning about better ways to deal with things, but one way or another, they will be dealt with if they are important to me. It is paying off. I hear you about the SHUT UP part too - there comes a time...

miamaggie - I agree with cmag. All families have some dysfunctions, like no person is in perfect health - mental or physical. All people and all families have some areas that are not perfect. That does not mean that all of us are mentally or physically ill, or that mental or physical illness is the norm, nor that all families can be categorized dysfunctional. BTW - the automatic faucet sounds like a great idea.

sallie - your family takes the cake. I know some families that work well together too. Must be nice - sigh!

cmag - well said. Nice to see you back posting. That is a good article.
quotes
" Respect is the Holy Grail of functional families." and "Being considerate of each other is the tie that binds, even more than love. I think too much emphasis is put on love in general. I’ve heard of many atrocities done within families in the name of love but never in the name of respect."

Boy, can I identify with that. Mother said more than once after some disaster, "As long as we love one another..." Even as a child I knew it was wrong.

toxicfm - glad to see that you are relaxing and starting to heal.

Sharyn - whatever works for you. I do think a lot of our behaviours are learned - and they can be unlearned. I know it from personal experience.

an aaargh for today. Insurance companies!!!

Still trying to get some sense out of my insurance co re the effect of this claim on my premium and policy, and also from the city's insurance people regarding their responsibility - it was their problem not mine.

Then an error in mothers insurance policy and a snippy young woman on the other end of the phone who basically said I shouldn't call her back again. Woah! All this because I asked her to find in the files that I had paid the outstanding amount, because she billed me for it again in the renewed policy, and because I also asked for a receipt for that amount. I thought that was within normal business.

Oh well. All done now, hopefully.

Had a voice mail from the hospital about consenting to mother's flu shot. I wish they would make their minds up whether she is responsible for medical decisions or not. They would not give her the risperidone without her consent, regardless of my opinion, and I understand that her consent is preferable. But, I told them I thought she really needed it. At this last meeting, I mentioned it again, and got smiles and nonverbal agreement to this with people nodding their heads, as they now see what a difference it has made to her. She has decent quality of life on the drug. I saw that when she was on it before for a short while. I sincerely hope, if she decides she doesn't want it at some point, that they will continue to give it to her anyway. Without it, she lives a tortured existence. Hopefully that is in the past, but with the progression of vascular dementia, I know other problems will surface, and that drugs may not solve them all. I guess I better appreciate the current lull.

Have a good weekend everyone and do something good for you. I have decided that weekends are to be free from "mother" business, and other business unless I really want to or have do deal with it. Fall weather is holding today, 72 degrees, so a nice walk is in order. It will cool off next week

I spoke too soon. The info mother's insurance lady just emailed me is that the policy was cancelled again and nothing is owing. The left hand does not know what the right hand is doing. Too late to call the main office in Toronto to check. I emailed her back for clarification. Lovely. Hope she has a nice weekend.

Emjo my problem was that I grew up in a subservient environment. My parents were servants in the true sense of the Downton Abbey environment. My dad was the head groom following in his father's footsteps. Our housing was a cottage on the estate that went with the job. What was called a tied cottage. if you stopped working your housing was gone end of story. it was Sir and Madam when you saw the employers and the men touched their forelocks and raised their caps. Mother stayed home and took care of the family. Our employer actually took very good care of her employees and the retirees were often given their cottages for life. but being subservient was a big part of the culture. No one had a problem with it and although we were poor in that we never had a car ,our electricity was free and we got a load of wood each winter and as much manure as we liked for the garden. it was by no means a bad life for us. Following that I became a student nurse in 1956 where the discipline continued to be very strict. Hair was short off the collar or braided. bedrooms were inspected daily. No boyfriends out side the lounge and certainly not in rooms or welcomed to share a meal. All phone calls were over heard. Any medical visits were chaperoned by the home sister who stood in the corner knitting while you explained your problem to the medical officer. Early life in patient care included a great deal of plain cleaning like dusting. So out of that upbringing I got married and continued to be obedient and be an obedient wife. who kept the house spotless and put out hubby's clean clothes every day. packed his suitcase before every business trip. That was the way I thought things should be done, i always came second and expected my husband to be faithful and always take care of me and hold up his share of the marriage vows. Don't know why I expected that because my father did not keep his. Boy what a shock when those vows went out the window. All the same I felt trapped in my situation and not able to support myself in a foreign country. I became able to work in my own profession and that totally changed my attitude. I had the ability to walk and support myself at any time and the children had left the nest. I had the ability to choose for the first time in my life and I was almost 60 years old. Yes I am a slow learner. I choose to stay. Am I happier? I don't know because I never left but I do know that hubby would never cope alone and I am now confident that I am capable.
I have also discovered that I am in fact a smart and capable woman having all my life being encouraged to feel like a second class citizen. I can insist on things being my way when necessary and hubby finally ubnderstands why things happened the way they did and that he really needs me at his side. Am I happy? What is happiness? I am comfortable enough not to want to change my life style but have the security of knowing I can.
You certainly opened my can of worms today Emjo

Emjo,

No, that's the other SIL, who believe it or not that brother....Golden Boy,
is still separated from now going on 2.5 yrs., and they've just left it at that, no
legal separation, or communication. This SIL, is my youngest brother's wife.
She's been very difficult, always at odds w/my sister, wonder why? These two
are both too much. Yes, I couldn't agree more with you, that it's none of my sister's business.

I went looking for a get well card for my SIL, and you know how most cards have
all that corny stuff written in them. None of it applies as to how I feel about her, so I found a blank card. Now I'm stumped as to what to write her, HAAH!
Honestly.....I have little to no relationship to this woman.

Much Love & Light! Margeaux

Answering the overall question of "How are you doing?": today went well: took Mom shopping all day until we both were worn out. I must say since she moved 10 miles from me to live in an independent senior housing we are both so relieved and happier! I am thinking there may be hope for our relationship to go from totally toxic to friendly and tolerable. Today she told me how she doesn't hear much from her close friend and she doesn't understand what happened. I really felt so sorry for her! She makes friends easily but soon they fade away and pull back once they feel her sticky maneuvers. She talks non-stop and mostly meaningless things. If you try to talk she interrupts and seems to imply you only exist for her pleasure and demands. "I don't understand why so and so doesn't say much and I seem to have one sided conversations."
Honestly, my heart broke for her because she doesn't and can't see what she does to people. But on a good note, new people in her new complex said to me, "your mother is so charming." They wouldn't think so if they could see her get mad if you set a boundary or if she thinks you are brushing her off and not giving her 100% attention no matter what, where, when. All is calm for now!

I hope it helps others to see that actually you can breathe and survive if there are ways others can step in and visit the elders. There are community volunteers and all kinds of resources if you search hard enough for what is needed.

Just when I was ready to give up on how to help Mom I discovered a new elder community rising out of the dust and that was the place she wanted to be in!

emjo,

Those are good quotes from that article. To me both respect and consideration of each family member's personal boundaries is crucial.

My family and I leave in the morning to travel to my dad's home. He's 89 and still living at home with 24 hour care. He is starting to loose his long term memory. I hope he does remember us. I've been up there twice this year already and my wife went with me one time. However, it has been a year or two since both of the boys have seen him.