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I must agree that when a family has member who is in final stages, it is best to wait for them to contact you. I know this is very hard as I have a friend who was involved with a man (he had copd and then developed cancer). They were dating and very much in love the last 1.5 years of his life. His children placed him in ltc about 1 month before he passed. No one expected him to pass away so quickly. He became very restless, difficult...his children came in...no one called his lover...he died that night. I know it hurt her very much that the family did not include her, but my thoughts were that his adult children were grieving that it did not enter their mind to give her the opportunity to say good-by. They all had a great relationship so it was not that they did not approve of her.
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Unbelievable! TS#1 called J's office this past week. Auntie Dearest had emailed me to ask about information where the brother worked. Evidently to find out for TS#1. I imagine TS does not believe what is happening with J. Or she wanted to offer what she could do to help? Not at all likely! This is the therapist that doesn't understand boundaries, her profession carries a risk of becoming compassionate, in her own words! E-mailed auntie dearest, TS#1 and asked why in the world do they think this sort of intrustion is appropriate or even wanted sympathies! I just do not believe this!

Had a nice chat with J's brother this morning. They thought J would pass last Thursday, but he is still hanging in there. Family, I think it is natural, wondering if they made the right decision. J is septic, kidneys and liver failing. He did seem to recognize his brother, brother thought, but not able to determine if he is understanding anything that is going on.
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Not J's office, his brother's office.
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Glad ((((hugs))))) that is disgusting of TwSis and your aunt. I am so sorry abut J but it is good you know what is happening. Down time with your family would be good for you. First the house and now J - two big losses.
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Venting Once again- Im sorry you dont even have to read it I just have to vent somewhere or Im going to scream running around in circles! And I dont run!!

Lectured about everything again, yes I know I have a few things to put back up at grandpas house that I did put off,Im wrong. But my sister is once again supposedly coming home( been she is- then isnt etc we just never know) Well she will be in my room which is currently filled as a storage room of boxes and bags of papers, toys and clothes. This is because I havent had a chance to go through it, someone or me is always sick or needing me. It takes time of uninterrupted cleaning which will be a full 2days at least I kid you not ( incl dusting, moving my clothes and computer out , trying to push pin curtains to divide room ( my room leads to the backyard and laundry room so need to separate room with something so she has her privacy of sorts) 5 minutes or 30 minutes for some sounds logical.. but I am the type I go full force or forget it. Sad on my part yes. But Im running out of time, I cant take chances that her maybes or yes of coming home wont happen like I have.


His help left early and hes been calling me, about the faucets to check, a friend needed some work, etc I told him Ok I will call when plumbers are open tomorrow and friend is up to you its fine with me to have some help!! But Im not helping her clean his house!!! Its her deal for money not mine.

So I meant to put the stuff up last night but was tired and didnt want to drop it at his house( dishes) so I promised him I will do it tonight and guess who called as I was typing this? Grandpa! Goes like this:

Me:Hello?

Oh You sound busy, right?

Me:Yes Grandpa Im cleaning but if you need coffee or drink or help, Middle of making lunch.. Ill be down for...( he interrupted)

Your not going to stay long then? Just about 30 minutes at least?

Me:No Im sorry about a minute or two- I know you want company but I really have to get this done for sis in case I told you how my room..( he interrupts)

Well neighbor is here wanting help to do it, I guess not huh?

Me:No I will do it tonight I did half of it before ..I can....( he interrupts)

Yelled- No I got it .. just I got never-mind.. hung up on me


Well Back to my cleaning.. If I can get my mode to turn back on!!! I know it sounds crazy but I honestly I lose that feeling or motivation or whatever if I have to stop a million times. As if Red Light Green Light Games.. anyone remember that?


Oh add my son is going a mile a minute with some attitude but luckily not severe- son just left with my dad to drop of lunch- Son will run in and give it to him cuz dad and grandpa still not speaking. Grandpas choice. Ok well least Im never bored?

****Hope all of your Sunday is going well or at least calm. Have a nice meal or drink and relax. Ill read soon again
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Me, between all of them you don't know whether you're coming or going, do you?

STOP TAKING ORDERS FROM OTHER PEOPLE!!!

God knows you have enough to do on the average day. And, like you, I am the kind of person who can't cope with being interrupted - I never get the job done, and I hate it.

This is where the To Do list comes in so handy. Plot your day, hour by hour. Stick to your schedule like glue. Thus, rather than Dad rings you, you ring Dad and you tell *him* what time you plan on being at his house, and therefore what time he might like to ask his neighbour to call round.

It's a control issue. At the moment everyone is pulling you in all directions, and it's working for nobody - not just you, but them too. It's a crazy waste of your time that, to boot, ends up with you feeling dreadful. So YOU need to take control of it, and believe me nobody can stop you. What are they going to do, come and sling you over their shoulder in a fireman's lift and cart you off somewhere?

So map out your day. You're not saying no to anyone, you're saying when. And God knows it's about time.

Bless you, it's so hard to think straight when you're being buffeted about as you are.
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Book - hugs back(((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))))) nice to see you posting

Me - vent away of it helps. gpa seem to go off like a yoyo - up and down, back and forth. It would drive me nuts... Overthinking things is not supposed to be good. Not surprised you lose motivation when interrupted. That would drive me nuts too.

juju - a job that is great! Congratulations!

Alison - I have been thinking about your situation and it does look like your dad is worse than anyone thought. Can't swallow and they don't know why not, intestinal problems, so a feeding tube cannot be used, bladder stones along with his other bladder/urination issues. Has he had a neuropsychiatric evaluation? You say he is more alert since being in hospital and interacting with people there. It really makes me wonder if he needs to be in a facility with people around him and able to give him whatever specialized care he requires. His needs seem to be getting greater all the time. One thing about mother is that she feels more secure with nurses on the floor, right outside her bedroom. She has always been very independent, and happy to be alone, but the last couple of years wanted more and more attention because of her decline. I think she felt that some things were beyond her and needed and needs more security. It is understandable. Since your dad wants all measures to keep him alive to be used, he will need some professional care I would think. Do you feel you can provide that in his home with visiting nurses? I know your mum has been involved and am wondering if your bro has given any input. I am aware that you cannot act alone in this. Big (((((((hugs)))))) this is so hard, I am sure.
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cm - well said. Me, I agree with cm. Make your plans as you have agreed with gpa - to spend time with him, do certain things for him and stick to it. He is calling and disrupting your day and gets some pleasure or feeling of control by doing that. Does he have some kind of medic alert so that if he is really in trouble he can call for help? If he did you would not have to answer the phone all this time. You need some uninterrupted time to do what you need to do, and not be jerked around by him. He is a terrible attention getter and they need to be ignored sometime or it just fuels their fires.
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Juju~I truly hope with all my heart that you can get this accomplished. I am so sorry that your friend let you down...unfortunately, we learn who is true and who isn't. It does hurt. I will tell you that I personally would not be able to go on a cruise as I get motion sickness something awful. That is why I do all the driving...being a passenger makes me sick to my stomach...my poor son is the same.

I have been reading about passive/aggressive personalities. Simply because I am at my wits end. The old saying, "You can't teach old dogs new tricks," is such an easy out for people who have it ingrained on their brain to never change. "Everyone else is wrong if they don't do things the way I do." Of course that is only a small part of it as passive/aggressive is not only a learned behavior...it is also inherent.

I am far from perfect, I have my issues...but I do not nag, do not pressure...but when you are very clear...giving a beginning and an ending with this in the middle or that in middle and it is still blown off, forgotten, not paid attention to....limited info given back...the out come is still all about self...no room to include another's wants or desires....how do you not explode into a rage which only produces temporary resutls...then it starts all over again.

I am rambling I know...but am trying to wear down my rage in a postive (if possible way)...I already exploded. The lack of communication with limited info and the response back...is like being gaslighted....I just don't know if I can do this any more.
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(((((((((((((Sharyn)))))))) dealing with a passive aggressive is difficult. G has a few of those tendencies, so I have done some reading on it. Their goal is to make you mad, and your anger reinforces their behaviour. I would say my first ex was PA. What the experts recommend is keep calm, not blow at them, which can be very challenging as we need to deal with our anger in other ways. state your needs and, as you say, have a beginning, middle and an ending and a consequence if it is not carried out. Also don't allow the issues to be sidetracked, and do state that you are disappointed that the agreement was broken. I read a lot of Dr.Nora Femenia's stuff - articles, books and a blog. I even spoke to her on the phone and she said G was not PA. Nonetheless I have found many things from her are useful, and are good communication tips.. I searched the web for ways to deal with passive aggressive behaviours and found some very helpful stuff. Is there any way you could go for counselling? I suspect you are not over the previous issues yet. All this is so hurtful. You are in my prayers. (((((((hugs))))))
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Ya it sucked that part but the rest although stressful dealing with their less than helpful, sales driven. res staff...all n all it was a blast like riding a bike...anyway came to find out i was in the public department not Travel agent servicing...so that was big part of issue...anyway yes it is nice to know although rusty i still got something up there betweeh the ears and i knew what to do bout my fun little mess i made.... well i was thinking sharyn i need to take mom to see dad soon before we go,,,think be passing thru your town, we could meet for lunch if you want...just message me, i am going underground for a bit but will check!
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Lost it with ts1 when i got back today. I am chatting with auntie dearest when twisted comes into the room and just says "you know we can talk?" Nosey once again couldnt let me chat with auntie dearest without interference. Shoukd have been calm and just told her she was interrupting. Instead i asked her why in the world would she call J's brother when this is none of her business. She actually stood there and said it is her business?! Unbelieveable! Sick, sick sick! Auntie dearest said she only told twisted one the general area he works, but if I were to tell all of you the area and you knew his name you would have no trouble finding him. And she uses that calm, collected therapist voice of hers which is so terribly maddening! I told her to just take off her f###ing therapist hat for a minute. And court hearing tomorrow. Wonderful! Keep it together, keep it together! My attorney told me that ts's attorney will try to bring in all this emotional BS and that she will keep objecting to try to get to the bottom of what this hearing is about. Full guardianship and what in the world has happened with Mom's assets.

Tomorrow after hearing I am planning to drive to see J. The medical staff at the hospital is surprised he is still ticking away, breathing strongly, yet brain swelling liver failing kidneys failing and septic. Maybe he is waiting for me? I am scared and would have gone sooner without the hearing coming up. But had too much to do to get ready for that.
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Thank you for responding back!!! I just don't know anymore. When I get angry, of course it is turned around and put on me...I didn't say I was working 8-5 or you didn't tell me that and I do this or that when none of it it is the truth. I used to write my schedule on the calendar weekly...it was never looked at and the response was..Oh, I didn't know you would be home early. I stopped writing it and started verbalizing it....You didn't tell me your schedule. Claims are made that this or that has been done...when none of it has been done. I will call this person tomorrow you mentioned when I am off...to be honest...I really do not think he is capable of changing because it has been so ingrained not to change by his mother...I really hate to speak bad of someone who has passed...but I can't help but feel that there is a narcissistic issue . I have been hurt more than once by these issues that I am not sure I have it within me to continue with this issue. The denials of having said certain things, ect...and when I do get angry and confront...the not willing to sit down and discuss it...just blow it off again and let me deal with my feelings while everything continues as "normal for him"...there is no reaction...just dead silence. I know he resents me having Midget here...as a result, he will not mow the back lawn so she can go out to potty. I admit, I don't go out to clean up after as well as I should...but I am still doing so much more than he is...I told him tonight...I am done spending 2-3 hours cooking dinner for you on my days off when you can't even do the dishes for me. He denied that....well not true...he doesn't do the dishes...I do it .

I just feel like I am against a rock and a hard place because everything I do produces no results from him. It just seems that it has to be all about him, what he wants, what gives him pleasure, who he wants to socialize with, his family, his traditions...my point is....where do "WE" come into the picture? There is no "WE".
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(((((hugs)))) again Sharyn. I do understand and have to work on that with G, but he is willing to sit and discuss things. However, I had to establish with him that this was a safe and useful thing to do. Because of his past experiences he used to get up and walk away in the middle of a discussion and after told me there was no point in talking about things as it didn't help. I chose a very small thing, we discussed it and worked it out, and showed him it could be done. I think writing things down is good - for example who does the dishes which night. I did that with household maintenance for a few years so G could see how long it took to get things done. Then I sat down with him and asked when it could be done, wrote that down and followed up. I found it works best when I am persistent and calm. But this is not addressing your feelings that you can't do this much longer. Could you tackle one smallish thing that would make you feel better and one that would make him feel better and work both of them out - maybe not ideally, but something that would make things better for both of you? I was always told by counsellors to lower my expectations when things got rough. Know I understand. vent away f that helps. Sometimes I write things to myself and it helps.
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((((((((((((glad)))))))) the timing of all these things is so difficult. I am glad you are going t see J. He may be waiting for you. In any case you need to see him and I suspect he needs you to be there. I understand that it is scary.

Twsis is playing her game with you. I know that maddening calmness - my sis does it too. She has a counselling diploma. Sounds like your attorney is on the ball, thankfully.

Breathe deep, try to get some good sleep tonight. You are in my prayers too. Hopefully this is coming to an end. (((((((((Hugs)))))))
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Glad~I am so sorry...what a mess. Is it not amazing what the self centered will do to get control or to play the pity party of how you do not include me?

((((HUGS))))..
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Thank you Joan. I guess I think things should be more automatic with him after 38 years. Obviously I have a lot of buried anger to work out or I wouldn't be so touchy on these issues. I know the trigger has been the cell texting incident. Maybe I should go see a therapist just to work on my anger...then maybe I can be calmer when dealing with him on the home front.
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Glad~I really hope you are able to see J. I think it will be good for you and him. Saying good-bye is not easy especially when you have had the relationship you have described. My heart is with you..Big HUGS!!!

I bought a can of chalk paint in a dark grey color to paint the cabinet in one bathroom. I am thinking of painting the walls a pure white and using black/grey towels for accent.

I left a message with a marriage counselor. My mission is to work on me...hubs won't change and I need to get the anger out this whole issue has brought out.
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Sharyn -- I surely understand that you feel things should be more automatic after 38 years, but am I right in that he never took those responsibilities on, or is this a change in his behaviour? I think I would be pi**ed off at the inequity of effort considering that you both are working. It s a common problem. Add the cell texting and, I would be going off too. I think a therapist is a good ides to deal with any anger and maybe gain some ideas about dealing with the current stuff. ((((hugs)))). Would be nice if life was smoother.
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cross posted - your colour scheme sounds very smart. Working on oneself is always good. I believe that you can teach old dogs new tricks, but it takes a lot of effort. Self is the place to start.
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glad - thinking of you, the hearing and you visiting J. That makes for a very stressful day. I hope you find some resolution somewhere in it. Do let us know what happened when you are ready to.
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Thank you Joan~ I am going to work on me...no getting another dog as it will just add more stress right now.

My DD went back to work yesterday..her hubs is taking care of the boys but does go back to Tuesday. She says her hubs is miserable, she feels guilty for wanting children. I told her to back off...let hubs figure out his own relationship with the boysThe more you do...the less he will do...it s human nature. Keep communication open and understand that hubs will do things different than you do...just let him do it that way. My hubs told her that I made things too easy for him...so just back out of it and let your hubs develop his own style.
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I think you are wise about another dog. Scooping poop prevents me from another one. Not nice at 20 below or at any temp.

Good advice to your daughter. Her hub is a big boy and made his decision re the babies.

Interesting what your hubs told her. I did that with G at the beginning. He was delighted, then I realised that he didn't reciprocate automatically, so I had some work to do making him aware of my needs and seeing that some of them got met. It is the fall-out of a childhood where one's needs are totally ignored or even worse, one is punished for expressing needs and feelings. It takes some work - ongoing - but we have made progress and will continue to.
Needs change over time and in different situations, so you have to keep working at it.
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Oy, I need some hugs. My brother is in town this week. My mother has been in full stress mode and the old family roles are in play. My two brothers are the golden boys and I am the scapegoat. The visiting brother hasn't been around much, but he is golden, so there must be a reason. Maybe he thinks this and maybe he thinks that. And maybe he senses that I don't want him around, so that's why he isn't coming around more. I don't know how I got to be the bad guy in all of this. I want to tell her that no, he is just into himself and what he wants to do, and it's not fun here.

My mother has developed a fantasy that somehow she is going to bring the siblings together. After a lifetime of family neglect with members that are polite strangers with each other, it isn't going to happen. I want to tell her that she missed the opportunity when we were children. There is no putting a family that never existed together. I am the only common thread between my two golden children brothers -- they never talk to each other. And when my mother is gone, I will also be gone from the family. I do not blame either brother, but I don't see any point in carrying on like there are imaginary ties.

The bad thing is that my mother doesn't have the ability to see what damage their autism/personality disorders did, so it must be the children's fault. My two golden brothers are exempt, the black sheep died, so that leaves only the scapegoat to aim her anger. The good thing about being the old scapegoat, though, is we had to look at how things were and we know we aren't to blame.

I'll be glad when life is back to normal. With the holidays and a family wedding coming up, that will be January. I have been playing "Some Beach Somewhere" a lot today. I would love to find that empty chair under an umbrella waiting for me down in Florida about right now.
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((((((hugs)))))) Jessie Yes, it must be your fault. I know that scene. It couldn't possibly be the family dysfunction from way back when you were a child. It gets so tiresome. There were ugly scenes when my sis visited last winter, and it was all my fault. Ditto for mothers100th. I was cast as the bad guy again. I suppose it helps to know that this is an old game and really very little to do with us, other than we are in a vulnerable position. But it doesn't feel good to have the anger directed at us again, does it?

Is there any way you could take a holiday? I am sure you must need one. More ((((((hugs))))). I understand!
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Hearing went 6.5 hours today. I was going to head south after but did not get out of courtroom umtil 7:30. I didnt know judges got overtime. And we are not done. Going back on Nov 7. TS's are not looking good. Judge revised testmony order. TS#2 first, so many lies I found it just disgusting. TS#1 second, alot of emotions BS about how I have kept her from Mom. auntie dearest 3rd , then guardian 4th. If judge has read all of the petitions submitted to the court i think the rearranging was intentional. Wanted to hear from the twisted ones first. Judge was angry with TS#2, she took her iphone to the stand to record her own testimony. I imagine to figure out a way to cover up the lies she told. Judge did not like that one little bit. Then TS#1 actually stood up while guardian was testifying to refute something said. Unbelievable! Just got too late for a 5 hour drive.

Oh and to start off TS's were 30 minutes late. And TS #2 wanted to hear all of guardians but had to leave to catch a plane. Yup, and she with MDPOA neglected to mention she'd would be out of town. Yet did not notify either me or guardian.
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(((((hugs)))) to you too, glad. That was a long session. It does sound like the judge arranged the order on purpose. Good. TSs are showing their colours. You must be exhausted. Will you be able to visit J soon? So much going on. Take some time out if you need it - don't be too stoic a Norwegian!!!
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Sharyn, what you mentioned about getting the dog, therapy and why now you're easily irritated with hubby - was what I thought of this morning while still in bed. I didn't want to post in the Kindle because it would make me wide awake. By the time it was time to get up, too much to do and forgot to write to you. We seem to be on the same wave length.

Jessie, no matter what you say, your mom won't believe you. My dad has always thought and favored the siblings that live off-island. They can do no wrong. They're here for a visit - therefore, I'm to cater to them, even wash my brother's clothes, etc... You have like 3 months to go. Here's a HUG to you {{{HUGS}}}

Glad, 7 hours! I enjoyed your descriptions of what happened in court. Can you refresh my memory. TS2 is which one?

Emjo, you bring the reality of what couples do to keep their relationship going. You helping G with the horses, helping him to see your perspectives, etc... an ongoing adjustments for both...
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Ts2 is Moms POAs and one that i suspect has done things she shoyldnt.
Ts1 is the therapist.

And Emjo, one of J's criticisms of me was that I was too stoic and thought due to my Norwegian heritage. Strange you mention that. Will head to see him later this morning. About a five hour drive.
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Okay. I was thinking TS2, with the cell phone, must be the therapist. You know, how in the TV, the therapist makes a recording of their sessions. I guessed wrong.
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