
Many of us, myself included, come from a dysfunctional family which adds a lot of weight to the challenges of caregiving. I have read stores on various threads on other topics and decided it would be good to have a thread just for this topic for people to share, vent and discuss.
The idea for this thread originated on the thread named "The Caregiver....How are YOU doing today?"
Had a nice chat with J's brother this morning. They thought J would pass last Thursday, but he is still hanging in there. Family, I think it is natural, wondering if they made the right decision. J is septic, kidneys and liver failing. He did seem to recognize his brother, brother thought, but not able to determine if he is understanding anything that is going on.
Lectured about everything again, yes I know I have a few things to put back up at grandpas house that I did put off,Im wrong. But my sister is once again supposedly coming home( been she is- then isnt etc we just never know) Well she will be in my room which is currently filled as a storage room of boxes and bags of papers, toys and clothes. This is because I havent had a chance to go through it, someone or me is always sick or needing me. It takes time of uninterrupted cleaning which will be a full 2days at least I kid you not ( incl dusting, moving my clothes and computer out , trying to push pin curtains to divide room ( my room leads to the backyard and laundry room so need to separate room with something so she has her privacy of sorts) 5 minutes or 30 minutes for some sounds logical.. but I am the type I go full force or forget it. Sad on my part yes. But Im running out of time, I cant take chances that her maybes or yes of coming home wont happen like I have.
His help left early and hes been calling me, about the faucets to check, a friend needed some work, etc I told him Ok I will call when plumbers are open tomorrow and friend is up to you its fine with me to have some help!! But Im not helping her clean his house!!! Its her deal for money not mine.
So I meant to put the stuff up last night but was tired and didnt want to drop it at his house( dishes) so I promised him I will do it tonight and guess who called as I was typing this? Grandpa! Goes like this:
Me:Hello?
Oh You sound busy, right?
Me:Yes Grandpa Im cleaning but if you need coffee or drink or help, Middle of making lunch.. Ill be down for...( he interrupted)
Your not going to stay long then? Just about 30 minutes at least?
Me:No Im sorry about a minute or two- I know you want company but I really have to get this done for sis in case I told you how my room..( he interrupts)
Well neighbor is here wanting help to do it, I guess not huh?
Me:No I will do it tonight I did half of it before ..I can....( he interrupts)
Yelled- No I got it .. just I got never-mind.. hung up on me
Well Back to my cleaning.. If I can get my mode to turn back on!!! I know it sounds crazy but I honestly I lose that feeling or motivation or whatever if I have to stop a million times. As if Red Light Green Light Games.. anyone remember that?
Oh add my son is going a mile a minute with some attitude but luckily not severe- son just left with my dad to drop of lunch- Son will run in and give it to him cuz dad and grandpa still not speaking. Grandpas choice. Ok well least Im never bored?
****Hope all of your Sunday is going well or at least calm. Have a nice meal or drink and relax. Ill read soon again
STOP TAKING ORDERS FROM OTHER PEOPLE!!!
God knows you have enough to do on the average day. And, like you, I am the kind of person who can't cope with being interrupted - I never get the job done, and I hate it.
This is where the To Do list comes in so handy. Plot your day, hour by hour. Stick to your schedule like glue. Thus, rather than Dad rings you, you ring Dad and you tell *him* what time you plan on being at his house, and therefore what time he might like to ask his neighbour to call round.
It's a control issue. At the moment everyone is pulling you in all directions, and it's working for nobody - not just you, but them too. It's a crazy waste of your time that, to boot, ends up with you feeling dreadful. So YOU need to take control of it, and believe me nobody can stop you. What are they going to do, come and sling you over their shoulder in a fireman's lift and cart you off somewhere?
So map out your day. You're not saying no to anyone, you're saying when. And God knows it's about time.
Bless you, it's so hard to think straight when you're being buffeted about as you are.
Me - vent away of it helps. gpa seem to go off like a yoyo - up and down, back and forth. It would drive me nuts... Overthinking things is not supposed to be good. Not surprised you lose motivation when interrupted. That would drive me nuts too.
juju - a job that is great! Congratulations!
Alison - I have been thinking about your situation and it does look like your dad is worse than anyone thought. Can't swallow and they don't know why not, intestinal problems, so a feeding tube cannot be used, bladder stones along with his other bladder/urination issues. Has he had a neuropsychiatric evaluation? You say he is more alert since being in hospital and interacting with people there. It really makes me wonder if he needs to be in a facility with people around him and able to give him whatever specialized care he requires. His needs seem to be getting greater all the time. One thing about mother is that she feels more secure with nurses on the floor, right outside her bedroom. She has always been very independent, and happy to be alone, but the last couple of years wanted more and more attention because of her decline. I think she felt that some things were beyond her and needed and needs more security. It is understandable. Since your dad wants all measures to keep him alive to be used, he will need some professional care I would think. Do you feel you can provide that in his home with visiting nurses? I know your mum has been involved and am wondering if your bro has given any input. I am aware that you cannot act alone in this. Big (((((((hugs)))))) this is so hard, I am sure.
I have been reading about passive/aggressive personalities. Simply because I am at my wits end. The old saying, "You can't teach old dogs new tricks," is such an easy out for people who have it ingrained on their brain to never change. "Everyone else is wrong if they don't do things the way I do." Of course that is only a small part of it as passive/aggressive is not only a learned behavior...it is also inherent.
I am far from perfect, I have my issues...but I do not nag, do not pressure...but when you are very clear...giving a beginning and an ending with this in the middle or that in middle and it is still blown off, forgotten, not paid attention to....limited info given back...the out come is still all about self...no room to include another's wants or desires....how do you not explode into a rage which only produces temporary resutls...then it starts all over again.
I am rambling I know...but am trying to wear down my rage in a postive (if possible way)...I already exploded. The lack of communication with limited info and the response back...is like being gaslighted....I just don't know if I can do this any more.
Tomorrow after hearing I am planning to drive to see J. The medical staff at the hospital is surprised he is still ticking away, breathing strongly, yet brain swelling liver failing kidneys failing and septic. Maybe he is waiting for me? I am scared and would have gone sooner without the hearing coming up. But had too much to do to get ready for that.
I just feel like I am against a rock and a hard place because everything I do produces no results from him. It just seems that it has to be all about him, what he wants, what gives him pleasure, who he wants to socialize with, his family, his traditions...my point is....where do "WE" come into the picture? There is no "WE".
Twsis is playing her game with you. I know that maddening calmness - my sis does it too. She has a counselling diploma. Sounds like your attorney is on the ball, thankfully.
Breathe deep, try to get some good sleep tonight. You are in my prayers too. Hopefully this is coming to an end. (((((((((Hugs)))))))
((((HUGS))))..
I bought a can of chalk paint in a dark grey color to paint the cabinet in one bathroom. I am thinking of painting the walls a pure white and using black/grey towels for accent.
I left a message with a marriage counselor. My mission is to work on me...hubs won't change and I need to get the anger out this whole issue has brought out.
My DD went back to work yesterday..her hubs is taking care of the boys but does go back to Tuesday. She says her hubs is miserable, she feels guilty for wanting children. I told her to back off...let hubs figure out his own relationship with the boysThe more you do...the less he will do...it s human nature. Keep communication open and understand that hubs will do things different than you do...just let him do it that way. My hubs told her that I made things too easy for him...so just back out of it and let your hubs develop his own style.
Good advice to your daughter. Her hub is a big boy and made his decision re the babies.
Interesting what your hubs told her. I did that with G at the beginning. He was delighted, then I realised that he didn't reciprocate automatically, so I had some work to do making him aware of my needs and seeing that some of them got met. It is the fall-out of a childhood where one's needs are totally ignored or even worse, one is punished for expressing needs and feelings. It takes some work - ongoing - but we have made progress and will continue to.
Needs change over time and in different situations, so you have to keep working at it.
My mother has developed a fantasy that somehow she is going to bring the siblings together. After a lifetime of family neglect with members that are polite strangers with each other, it isn't going to happen. I want to tell her that she missed the opportunity when we were children. There is no putting a family that never existed together. I am the only common thread between my two golden children brothers -- they never talk to each other. And when my mother is gone, I will also be gone from the family. I do not blame either brother, but I don't see any point in carrying on like there are imaginary ties.
The bad thing is that my mother doesn't have the ability to see what damage their autism/personality disorders did, so it must be the children's fault. My two golden brothers are exempt, the black sheep died, so that leaves only the scapegoat to aim her anger. The good thing about being the old scapegoat, though, is we had to look at how things were and we know we aren't to blame.
I'll be glad when life is back to normal. With the holidays and a family wedding coming up, that will be January. I have been playing "Some Beach Somewhere" a lot today. I would love to find that empty chair under an umbrella waiting for me down in Florida about right now.
Is there any way you could take a holiday? I am sure you must need one. More ((((((hugs))))). I understand!
Oh and to start off TS's were 30 minutes late. And TS #2 wanted to hear all of guardians but had to leave to catch a plane. Yup, and she with MDPOA neglected to mention she'd would be out of town. Yet did not notify either me or guardian.
Jessie, no matter what you say, your mom won't believe you. My dad has always thought and favored the siblings that live off-island. They can do no wrong. They're here for a visit - therefore, I'm to cater to them, even wash my brother's clothes, etc... You have like 3 months to go. Here's a HUG to you {{{HUGS}}}
Glad, 7 hours! I enjoyed your descriptions of what happened in court. Can you refresh my memory. TS2 is which one?
Emjo, you bring the reality of what couples do to keep their relationship going. You helping G with the horses, helping him to see your perspectives, etc... an ongoing adjustments for both...
Ts1 is the therapist.
And Emjo, one of J's criticisms of me was that I was too stoic and thought due to my Norwegian heritage. Strange you mention that. Will head to see him later this morning. About a five hour drive.