
Many of us, myself included, come from a dysfunctional family which adds a lot of weight to the challenges of caregiving. I have read stores on various threads on other topics and decided it would be good to have a thread just for this topic for people to share, vent and discuss.
The idea for this thread originated on the thread named "The Caregiver....How are YOU doing today?"
good to see you posting, book
Your description of your brothers emotionally speaking sounds exactly like mine.
I do care for them as brothers, and all that good stuff. But I must admit as you've stated......at times my relationship with them is of "polite strangers."
I think that the more one has been raised in a family where either parent has employed the "golden child," favoritism method, divide and conquer, etc. is going to be the big marker later on in life as to how siblings deal with one another. I know that pain all too well. The unfavored ones, or the ones that didn't get our needs met, become like the background music. Yet, and I am addressing this in terms of gender inequality, since you're a woman, my sister and myself have always been thee ones in the family of which there have always been way more expectations.
You get a great big bear hug from me,
HUGS, HUGS, HUGS!
Much Love & Light! Margeaux
My brother has left now, so the stress level of the house is down. I've never figured out why so much effort is put into having one of the golden kids come, because they really don't want or expect it. I agree it has a lot to do with gender -- not trying to offend any men in the group. It is the way it used to be with women, and still is for many.
*******Glad- I really hope things settle for you, you need to rest.
*******jujubean-I would love to go, but cant. I hope you can get some time to relax, ill be with you in spirit :)
******* sharynmarie- Your a stronger person then I for sure. You also need some you time! I know easier said then done, we all are gonna have to figure a way to gain strength and get passed this smoother.
********emjo23-Hope your feeling better today :)
********Countrymouse,bookluvr, Margeaux, Alison, everyone else Hows everything?
My dad got a feeding tube today. I also got a call from social worker and we discussed having him go to skilled nursing facility... temporarily... until he is used to the idea that he cannot eat/drink orally until something changes. I'm so relieved. I knew if he came home, he would eat/drink immediately and there would be nothing I could do.
So much going on! With me and many others -- glad, Me1000, sharyn... and I know the rest of you are fighting your battles in your corner of the world. Sending many hugs, and much support.
Me - no need to answer every one. I am picking up, thank you.
butterfly - I know the feeling. For me it is usually the calm before the storm. Hope the calm lasts for you.
glad - thinking of you and J, and hoping your visit is going well, or as well as possible.
Margeaux and Jessie - maybe after all I am glad I don't have brothers. Mother would have totally ruined them.
book - hope your health is holding up and dad is not too difficult
I am not doing much - trying to get up some steam for the move when it comes. Mother's shopper (D) will take her out on Wednesday and let me know how it went. I appreciate that. The plan is once a week for now. I think D will see a positive difference.
Heading back to E'ton for the weekend for some "us" time with G and dinner theatre. Have hardly seen him the last month as he has been away on business much more than usual. "Unfortunately", he knows more than some of his colleagues, so they call on him. Hope my gut behaves - have to be careful with what I eat.
Sharyn, Austin, cm, juju, judda, veronica, everyone ((((hugs))))) Look after you.
Told J about what happened yesterday, dont know how much information he was able to process due to brain swelling. But, he was very supportive of me through all of this sibling crap. J's brother is a judge. So, I told him some of the bizarre occurrences of yesterday. He was aghast, ts's 30 minutes late, recording own testimony, outburst in courtroom by ts1 during guardian's testimony, ts2 wanted continuance because she had to catch a plane to san fran for fun! Sure, sure everybody change their schedule to meet her needs because she wanted to hear entire guardian testimony. The entire thing was unbelievable!
It really stinks that, sometimes, working our butts off and being there for elders means we may face accusations or verbal/emotional abuse at times. Coming here to vent to those who understand is a great gift - one of the few bright spots and supportive places available.
So, yeah... I've been running those concerns over in my head a little. I know that my family is in a place now where they just EXPECT that I will stay on here and keep caring for my father for as long as it takes. I don't think that's "fair" but I also realize I've given them no reason to think otherwise. By my actions, I keep "telling" all of them, my dad included, that I'm going to keep doing this. I'm really hoping my time with therapist each week might help me figure out how to handle the position I'm in, and resolve how to achieve my own life and still get appropriate care for my dad.
(((((Big Hugs))))) to everyone. Have a great day.
I am very sorry about J's passing, and very good that you did get to see him.
May his spirit soar very high.
Hugs,
Much Love & Light! Margeaux
I'm happy to hear that the feeding tube was placed. Your concern about the possibility that he would eat something.....could be dangerous in his condition.
When anyone hasn't taken solid food, then as in his case given whatever is happening with his stomach.....that could spell a lot of trouble. You probably know this already, too.
My SIL had a Gallbladder procedure, over a month ago. Now, news that she had all of this was very sketchy from our brother (her husband). It's my understanding, according to my nosey sister......that SIL had some type of gastric bypass procedure about 4 yrs., ago. According to what I've read about these, it inhibits the amount of food one can intake. She did lose tons of weight, although I've not seen her in over a year, this info. again came from my sister. Anyway.....this is probably why she had to have the GB surgery, and there were complications. They apparently had to take out some infected intestine, so it sounded like some kind of a resection to me. On account of this......she had to stay in the hospital 2 weeks, and fed intraveneously. No food whatsoever during the first 3 wks. Over a week ago I'd heard she was barely taking liquids, like broths. Anyway.....my point is that
while your dad is still in the nursing facility, could you talk to a doctor about your concerns, or the social worker to this end? Maybe they could explain to your father how delicate this situation really is. It doesn't sound as if your dad is comprehending his condition.
Do try to get some rest for yourself, for now.
Hugs,
Much Love & Light! Margeaux
Did the judge actually allow your sister to record her testimony?
This sounds as if it would be way out of bounds, in terms of court behavior.
Both sister's behaviors are off the charts!
Much Love & Light! Margeaux
That's great advice you have given your daughter concerning her husband as it relates to their kids. I often feel that we as women just do, and do too much when it comes to our households. Then when it involves raising children, that's a whole ball game in and of itself.
I'm currently trying to use some other approaches also concerning my husband.
He's not very good when it comes to household chores. I know for certain this has a lot to do with the way he was raised......never met my in laws as they've been deceased a long time, but from the stories I've heard he was the favored child in the family, for sure. In many instances we've often seen how these children end up becoming non-accomodating adults. You know how it's often said that "Silence is golden?" I'll add that abstinence, or always being the doer as it pertains to our relationships with people who aren't willing "to do," is also a good way to go.
Definitely, when one should speak up one should. The thing though with that is that I think we must be very clear about what it is we want to change, and say it in a calm respectful manner as opposed to waiting til we're at boiling point, then it doesn't come out so good, and possibly looked upon by the other party as if we are just angry, and letting off steam. Unfortunately, none of this is automatic, it's a work in progress.
I also realize that in your case the wounds are still fresh.
Try to take a time out, and not sweat the small stuff, so to say.
Hugs,
Much Love & Light! Margeaux
Alison if this is any comfort to you dad will only try eating or drinking once. Choking is absolutely terrifying and very distressing to watch. he will be noisily gasping for breath before he looses consciousness or manages to cough it up. If it's just liquid he will cough a lot and be in distress but probably not become unconsciousness. Do you know how to do the Heimlich manouver. If not find out fast. Have you considered not having him come home? As long as you don't provide food or drinks within his reach i don't think there is any danger of you being acussed of elder abuse.
Things are a little noisy here.....fireworks going on as the SF Giants won the World Series. I know my dad is doing a little jig right now.
On the caregiving front, my mom does not like showers especailly getting her hair wet. We have arranged for the facility salon to wash her hair once a week and a monthly manicure.
We finally were able to remove all the hinges from the doors on the bathroom cabinet ( it was a chore) and I started painting it. I am liking this chalk paint...requires no sanding and goes on very smooth with easy clean up. Still have to replace the bus bars on the circuit box in 2 weeks.
Good night everyone.
I am getting some earlier shifts this week so hubs and I can actually have d
As you said.....unbelievable! I'm surprised the judge didn't hold both of them in contempt of court.
Hang in there,
Hugs,
Much Love & Light! Margeaux