The Caregiver & Dysfunctional Families: How are you doing?

NYdaughter~My sis and I just discussed that very thing last night...the hiding of the dysfunction, hiding/sweeping things under carpet while knowing it was wrong,...yet, as you said....appearances for dysfunctional people is very important...with my mother especially, it was about what will the neighbors think or my co-workers. The majority that she hid....was normal stuff that all families go through..but my mom wanted/demanded perfection.

My Tiger Kitty is soaking up lots of love and attention from me right now....he is on my lap purring and licking my arms. He does want out...but he can no longer go out as I have been letting him out during the day but keeping him in at night. He got caught in the neighbors trap early Wednesday morning. Now that I know someone is trapping cats in the neighborhood, having tags or micro chipping him will not stop him getting trapped and taken to the pound as $30 a pop to get him out will get expensive. I will get a harness/leash hopefully he will adjust to getting walks outside.

Sharyn, are you otherwise on good terms with this particular neighbour - the catnapper, I mean? I'm just wondering whether you could give him a mug shot of your cat so that he can return him to you instead of wasting a trip to the pound and the time, trouble and expense for all concerned. I mean to say, really - it's a bit extreme, isn't it? People do get their knickers in a twist about cats in the garden. Why doesn't the silly man borrow a dog for a few days, or use a water pistol if he absolutely has to. Anyway. I hope you can ask him nicely and he calms down a bit. Your poor little boy can't stay indoors forever.

CM in the US it is common practice to have indoor cats. I was horrified when we first came here but later had both inside and outside having been blessed with amny drop offs on the farm. Now I have one indoor kitty. So Sharyn's T.iger will do just fine indoors.

CM-I have no idea who this neighbor is...the people at the pound are not allowed to give their name out..all they said is a neighbor on the street that crosses my street.

tiger will adjust to being indoors...he was an indoor Kitty some years ago.

It is very common for people here to use these traps to get rid of cats. Many people have issues with cats using their gardens for a bathroom and generally they have no pets of any kind. There has been people who have tried to get ordinances passed that cats must be on a leash but it has never been passed into law. Many years ago a feral cat had kittens in our garage and the city would not come to get them. We had to trap the mother and the babies then take to the pound. Unfortunately people will move and leave their cats behind. That is what happened to Tiger when my daughter found him in an apartment complex. 10 years ago.

I watched a video online about a cat dubbed as the primal " cat burglar". A camera was set up in front of the cat owners home for 2 weeks. During that time their cat brought home neighbors work gloves children's shoes stuffed toys and many other items the neighbors left outside. It all happened at night. The cats owners put all the neighbors belongings in their front yard and invited everyone over to retrieve their missing items. It is a cute video...look it up if you have time.

I've seen it Sharyn - very cute.

butterfly - I hear you. I have to be very careful what I say around my sis as she will use it against me. Window crayons and not clean them off!!!! Very inconsiderate

Hi toxic - Happy Thanksgiving to you. You did a good thing walking away from your dysfun fam, I know it isn't easy but it will get easier, the change in holidays gets easier and so on. Life never stays the same anyway - the kids grow up and have their own holidays, we get older and can't do as much - there is always change. ((((hugs)))) I am glad you are looking after you.

NYDIL - that is surely the truth that dysfun fams try to hide their dysfunctions, but eventually they do come out if you are around them long enough. Glad those insights help you.

gladimhere - sounds like court is sorting things out on the whole. I would say you are vindicated! Great! You needed something to come your way. Was there anything done about your mother's money the TSs spent on lawyers? The guardian has been very good for you - hope you can keep her around. Getting away for a few days over Thanksgiving should be very good for you. You do need a life and with recent events it will have to be rebuilt.

Sharyn - sounds like you and your sis did have things to talk about. Oh yes, things get swept under the rug or denied altogether. It may not be easy keeping your cat in, especially once he has been used to being out. I hope he adjusts. Rocky, my daughter's cat who was so sick, stayed in for a while, but wanted out, so finally she let him out, and he must have gotten into the lilies again as the same thing happened to his kidneys and they had to put him down. :(

Have a good day everyone. (((((hugs))))

Sharynmarie,

I'm so glad that your cat was foundl
This is odd......trapping cats. We have two adopted cats,
belong to neighbors and they've made our yard their stomping grounds.
One is Fluffy, who just hangs out on a divider by our window. Other times he hangs out on a small wall. The other one, Pucci is the more recent one. I haven't seen him for a few days, now either. Last time we saw him, something was going on with his right eye, he was squinting alot. If your kitty came to visit me, I'd made friends with him.

Much Love & Light! Margeaux

So I made my broth and it was delicious. I did just immediately turn it into a soup for dinner, though. Really dinner being my husband's main meal.......his hunger does kick in, so I must make more if I think I'm going to keep some on reserve.

I did notice the difference in the quality from simmering it, about 5.5 hrs.
Next time I'm aiming for the 8 hrs. I may have to invest in a crock pot, as I've heard dome of you say you make it in that. Yesterday, I looked in my freezer, and found some beef bones, and trimmings. My neighbor gave me some a couple mos.
ago, and I made some stew. So that is next!

Much Love & Light! Margeaux

It helped me sleep very comfortably.

Sorry,

"some of you," second cup of Joe, quick!

Margeaux

Yesterday, I also cooked my Quince.
I had several recipes to make my preserves. I left the cores and skins in as suggested on one. The whole process was interesting, and it came out good.
At the end of the process I added some rose water to it.

I was nervous I must admit about the canning part of the process....sterilizing the jars. I just took precautionary measures, and it came out fine. I boiled three small size jars, for about 10 mins. Then I put them and lids in the oven at 200 degrees for another 10 mins., to dry. I totally understand this sterilization process, since I once was brewing Kombucha in my kitchen. Now for Kombucha......one must be super careful about mold. I miss them, need to get some more, because they are another healing food, for sure.

The one thing I would have to improve upon with the Quince as I did remove the seeds, once they were cooked, and even rinsed the Quince to make sure any
gritty material was gone. My end product still had some of the gritty bits in it, not too bad, but it's still there.
I don't mind this, but I'm waiting for my husband to probably find that a bit of a problem. Oh.....there is a reason for leaving the cores, thus seeds in because this part of the Quince contains pectin, interesting. I kind of felt like I was in a lab yesterday in my kitchen. So now I'm inspired to make some chutney, next.

Much Love & Light! Margeaux

Yes Joan..we talked a lot about our dysfunctional childhood. It is a common subject when we talk. I have been avoiding her partly because she wont answer her phone and because she has turned against my husband since the phone texting with Kate. BTW Kate is back on fb. While I appreciate her support...she tends to take the situation on as her own...a very common thing that happens in dysfunctional families where we take on other peoples issues.

Margeaux- maybe the cat trapping is just here in the SJ valley. It has been going on for about 20 years now. Became very much in the media because people were angry about strays and neighbor cats in their yards.

Joan- I am sorry about your daughters cat...we can only do so much to keep them safe...I really thought tiger would be ok to be out during the day.

Well... Im a wreck! All is the same if not worse actually. Health wise for all, mental wise for son, trying to figure this all out. Well before I told you all ,son made it harder to work with his violence, tantrums I couldnt leave the house. I started looking for a job, then added to my plate beyond full time care for grandpa.. Have to leave both to work..ha couldnt!! So I cant mentally do this Im physically and mentally getting worse. The answer...

Im willing to work 2 jobs to pay SOMEONE ELSE to handle some of my sons issues and my grandpa can pay for his caregivers. If grandpa gets mad and takes away the house or kids funds, I just have to take the chance.. ( ill get a trailer somehow)Does this make me a bad mom/person? Maybe. They can come to the home and get my kids for school and deal with any issues, they can help them with homework and cook dinner for the family the days Im not here. I will come home and tuck all in. I will help my family and love them and spend quality time with them attempting to have fun during days off and making memories and being their mom and granddaughter not their constant punching bag and not having to have screaming matches. If they dont like it.. well, to bad!!! Im in prison with the bars closing more in..like its all going to just make me pop when they reach each other... I hate this feeling. Its a maze... My son tells me to go to h$&&.. I tell him Im already there. I know, wrong reply but its the truth.

I just told grandpa If I have to work 3 jobs to pay for help I will! That means he needs help while Im working! Ok ok, unless its 3 part time jobs no way otherwise !! Or full and part etc... I love them but not going to the Dr, not being able to stick to a diet ( stress eater) not being able to register my daughter at school because my son is home today... oh no. Im not abandoning them, Im just spending time with them as a working person would. I love them but I cant do this alone or Im going to have a complete nervous breakdown and to be honest.. Im headed that way...

One and only one bright side, grandpa FINALLY is wearing his alert!!!!!!!

Sorry again about just venting I will be reading and supporting you all soon, hugs

sharyn, the cat issue is something where both sides are right. Cats should be able to roam, but they have a habit of killing things. People get upset with their birds, squirrels, and other wildlife being killed. We have 5-10 stray and domestic cats that visit our yard each day. It is like a war zone out their for the birds and chipmunks. Most of the chipmunks are killed each year.

I never have thought of trapping a cat, since I like them. However, it does upset me when I see a well-fed cat with a dead squirrel or chipmunk in its mouth. And I get upset when I see a tuft of bird feathers laying on the ground. These are such a needless deaths of animals that enjoyed living. The cat isn't to blame. It is in its nature.

I do like the idea of indoor cats and catios. Cats can live good lives without killing other animals around them. I love birds and squirrels, so dread the thought of the herd of cats that visit the yard daily.

I agree Jessie... I am happy they took him to the pound so I had the opportunity to get him back instead of dumping him off in the country.

OkOk, Im trying to catch up here- Sorry if Im not addressing everyone yet!

Im happy all the babies are doing well, sorry some of you all have had some rough patches with your family, good luck at work and those looking for work., hope you feel better,., hopefully everyone got some rest, all your recipes look great, sorry about the cat but glad you got him back and yes, a registered microchip is a great idea, and Jessibelle that is a lot of cats! I also like the enclosed patio idea for the kitties. If I ever got another ( wont) but if- Yes I would do that and put the litter box out there :) Id like a ferret though! Then have the window where they have access day and night attached come in and out of the house.. All mine have been strictly indoors.

Gladimire, court is an absolute B%@#@&9 and that you are also reeling from the death of a close one -- I cannot image the emotional pain, regardless of your straight-up ability to deal with it. You've gone into orbit. I am sending you love as only a "stranger" can do. Court makes everyone crazy and disrupts the roots of existence. You must keep the perspective that it is just the coyote playing out, and you will be here when it is over. To post here while going through that -- well, never worry about your interfacing with anything. Judicial love (I was a legal secretary at one time, to both kind and very mean lawyers). It is THEIR reality. Not yours. Your are a loving person, and a lovely person.

My neighborhood is residential....meaning that we are living within so many feet of another neighbors home with our backyards sharing a fence for privacy. I live about 13 miles south of Stockton, Ca...in Stockton, Lodi and Modesto...they have pigeon and squirrel issues in their residential areas. Squirrels will build nests in your attics and have babies...pigeons are a big problem as they poop all over into your rain gutters causing back up of water flow that can cause water damage to your roof. We have neither of these issues are our area yet. My cat is an avid gopher hunter and I welcome it as the gophers will destroy my gardens..even roses and the lawn. His gopher days are over and I will have to find another way to kill the gophers. Again, I am grateful this neighbor took him to the pound so I could get him back.

Part One on Child Abuse

Dads. Stop breaking your children. Please.

I feel a need to write this post after what I witnessed at Costco yesterday. Forgive me for another post written in desperation and anger. Please read all the way to the end. I know it’s long, but this is something that needs to be said. It’s something that needs to be heard. It’s something that needs to be shared.

As Noah and I stood in line to make a return, I watched as a little boy (he couldn’t have been older than six) looked up at his dad and asked very timidly if they could buy some ice cream when they were done. The father glared him down, and through clenched teeth, growled at the boy to “leave him alone and be quiet”. The boy quickly cowered to the wall where he stood motionless and hurt for some time.

The line slowly progressed and the child eventually shuffled back to his father as he quietly hummed a childish tune, seemingly having forgotten the anger his father had just shown. The father again turned and scolded the boy for making too much noise. The boy again shrunk back and cowered against the wall, wilted.

I was agitated. I was confused. How could this man not see what I see? How could this man not see what a beautiful spirit stood in his shadow? How could this man be so quick to stub out all happiness in his own boy? How could this man not cherish the only time he’ll ever have to be everything to this boy? To be the person that matters most to this boy?

We were three from the front now, and the boy started to come towards his dad yet again. His dad immediately stepped out of the line, jammed his fingers into his son’s collar bones until he winced in pain, and threatened him. “If you so much as make a sound or come off of that wall again, I promise you’re going to get it when we get home.” The boy again cowered against the wall. This time, he didn’t move. He didn’t make a sound. His beautiful face pointed down, locked to the floor and expressionless. He had been broken. And that’s how his father wanted it. He didn’t want to deal with him, and breaking him was the easiest way.

And we wonder why so many of our kids grow up to be screwed up.

I’m going to be blunt. People see my relationship with Noah, and quite often put me up on a pedestal or sing my praises for loving him more than most dads love their own kids.

Damn it. I don’t understand that, and I’ll never understand that. Loving my son, building my son, touching my son, playing with my son, being with my son… these aren’t tasks that only super dads can perform. These are tasks that every dad should perform. Always. Without fail. There is nothing special about me. I am a dad who loves his son and would literally do anything for his well-being, safety, and health. I would gladly take a rake in the face or a jackhammer to my feet before I cut my own son down or make him feel small.

[sigh] I am far from a perfect dad. And I always will be. But I’m a damn good dad, and my son will always feel bigger than anything life can throw at him. Why? Because I get it. I get the power a dad has in a child’s life, and in a child’s level of self-belief. I get that everything I ever do and ever say to my son will be absorbed, for good or for bad. What I don’t get is how some dads don’t get it…

Glad,

Happy to hear that the judge is putting things in order.
Just goes to show you that the truth doe win out. I am sorry though about the decision concerning the guardian. You have been through a lot, and not only this month......all the while you've had to be putting up w/the situation concerning
TS! & 2. Your in my thoughts.

Much Love & Light! Margeaux

The cats in our neighborhood don't mess with the squirrels, they all seem to
run around and live happily in our neighborhood. What we've been having a lot of problems with lately, is our neighborhood has houses, but tons of apartments.
Last few years, I can't tell all of you the amount of people who have moved in with one and two dogs. So at times the barking can get crazy. There's an ordinance here where dogs must be on leashes when walked. Owners are supposed to pick up their poop. Well, I'm afraid some dog owners aren't doing that. The bad thing is too, we never of course see who are the culprits.

Much Love & Light! Margeaux

The grey squirrels are big so I can't imagine a cat bothering them.

Emjo,

Somehow or another Id missed your post about the DIL and your son asking you for a a loan. Your DIL, sounds quite audacious! I do realize that you have a good relationship with your son, though and if you are sure they will pay you back, well then good. But I do agree with you.......that really at the bottom of people asking for money, especially if it gets to be a habit is never a good idea.

This is an excellent idea Emjo and glad you have G onboard with you.
I think it's very important for parents to draw lines with their kids. Yes, I understand parents want to help them out.......but at what price. I see my neighbor going through that at this moment with her daughter.

Definitely, you could suggest to both of them some kind of rules you expect,
concerning at the very least a change in your DIL'l behavior about comments she makes. She's not after all the Queen.

I once got myself into a pickle with a close friend over lending her some money.
She took so long to repay it, and when she finally did it wasn't the actual money,
but the value of it. I accepted though, and it's o.k. Moral of the story, "I'LL NEVER
DO THAT AGAIN." It for me put a real strain in terms of the friendship, and I truth be told, I didn't put say a timeline as to when I expected to be paid back. Lesson learned. What used to rub me the wrong way.....is the fact that throughout a long period of time she I'm sure had the money to repay me, but was out spending money on herself, or she'd tell me things such as she helped her youngest brother with his wedding, meanwhile her loan with me was outstanding.

But I'm glad that's behind us, I really like her as a friend.

Much Love & Light! Margeaux

me - have you thought of meeting with social services to get help with ideas, planning and resources? It sounds to me like your life is out of control. Don't be sorry about venting - if that is what you need to do. Sometimes we support, sometimes we yell for help. Glad gpa is finally wearing his alert.

Thanks Margeaux - she is quite bold, and obviously thinks she is on to a good thing. I looked back through my interact transfers and saw that I had loaned them more small sums than I remembered. That is another good reason for it to stop. They need to manage their money without relying on me. I believe it is all related to her expenditures, or money mismanagement. They said when the insurance money comes in, I will be paid back. Well and good, but they should have some kind of a savings account to deal with this kind of thing or other emergencies. They don't have any kids, so their monthly expenditures should be less than many their age. They have rented out their basement suite most of the time they have been together which should allow them to build up some savings. Or else they are living beyond their means which what I think is happening. Son D has never done that and has never asked for help for himself. They spend a lot of money driving down (8 hr. drive) to her parents to help them on medical emergencies, though her brother lives virtually next door. Recently because she didn't bring enough of her regular medication, son D had to fly down to bring some meds and drive her back home from that trip - bad planning. They bring in fast food quite a lot. When she had Avon she spent more on herself than she sold, and is probably doing that with her nail salon and so on - bad money management. It was interesting seeing how my new nail lady was set up - not as many extras, not as many polishes, but a better service. I am going to make some suggestions of things which other people do - like no credit card, or one where you pay as you go, an account with a limited allowance in it and financial counselling. Frankly she needs more than "financial" counselling and I am willing to go that route with them to resolve the conflict she has with our family. Son will have to take a firm stand with her and I know he is able when he gets to that point. I think he needs family support in this. He was very happy at my suggestion to go to their pastor to resolve the family stuff.
I hear you about seeing your friend spending money on other things when she still owed you. I saw that in dil too - buying extras when she owed me money. I am glad you got it sorted out with your friend. We will wait to talk to them once they have repaid me. I am at peace about it.
Glad you liked the broth. I made another "trash" soup yesterday, I had put asparagus ends in the freezer and they were building up, so I boiled them for about an hour and threw them in the food processor with some chicken broth, turmeric, and other seasonings, and added a little coconut milk. It was good and an easy way to get another serving of healthy veggies.

glad - hope the thanksgiving break does you a lot of good! You need that.

The FM is acting up with the cold weather - hate that. My legs are hurting, I was freezing cold too, so put on pjs, a camisole and a top over that. G said (kindly) that I looked like a street person lol. I usually wear nighties and only have one pj bottom. Maybe I will get a couple of flannel nighties. I think I will wear tights under a nightie and a camisole if I need extra warmth around the middle. Layers are the way to go - street people know that! :)

Have a good night everyone.

Child Abuse Part 2: This message is not to be directed only at Dads....Mothers are just as capable of child abuse as well.

Dads. Do your faces light up when you first see your child in the morning or when you come home from work? Do you not understand that a child’s entire sense of value can revolve around what they see in your face when you first see them?

Dads. Do you not realize that a child is what you tell them they are? That people almost always become what they are labeled? Was whatever your child just did really the “dumbest thing you’ve ever seen somebody do”? Was it really the “most ridiculous thing they ever could have done”? Do you really believe that your child is an idiot? Because she now does. Think about that. Because you said it, she now believes it. Bravo.

Dads. Do you honestly expect anybody to believe that you can’t find 20 minutes to step away from your computer or turn off the television to play with your child? It has to happen every single day. Do you not understand that children will hinge their entire facet of trust on whether or not their dad plays with them and how involved he is when he plays with them? Do you know the damage you do by not playing with your children every day?

Dads. Should anybody buy into this silly notion that anger is sometimes or often necessary? Do you not understand that anger is almost always an emotion for people who wish to control others while simultaneously failing to control themselves? Do you not know that there are incredible books and courses that can teach you better methods? Most importantly, do you not see the speed at which a child is crushed or becomes completely defiant when anger rules the roost? Are you that desensitized to the luminosity of your child’s spirit that it doesn’t crush you completely when they flinch or cower in your presence? Is that really what you want your child to do? To fear you?

Dads. Do you not realize that your child needs to feel your skin on his? Do you not realize the incredible and powerful bond that skin on skin contact with your daughter will give you? Do you not understand the permanent mental connections that are made when you stroke your son’s bare back or rub your daughter’s bare tummy while you tell bedtime stories? And if any idiot says anything about that being inappropriate, you’re gonna get kicked in the face, first by me, and then by every other good dad out there. Touching your child is your duty as a father.

Dads. Wake up! These precious souls that have been put into your care are unique and so very sensitive. Everything you say or don’t say will impact their ability, success, and happiness throughout their entire lives.

Do you not realize that your kids are going to make mistakes, and a lot of them? Do you not realize the damage you do when you push your son’s nose into his mishaps or make your daughter feel worthless because she bumped or spilled something? Do you have any idea how easy it is to make your child feel abject? It’s as simple as letting out the words, “why would you do that!?” or “how many times have I told you…”

Let me ask you this. Have you ever looked into the swollen eyes of a parent who’s child has just died?

I have.

Have you ever cried through a child’s funeral?

I have.

Have you ever touched a wooden box with a child inside? A permanent tomb from which another laugh or giggle will never sound?

I have.

If you want the motivation to be the best parent on earth, do that just one time. I pray you never have to.

Dads. It’s time to tell our kids that we love them. Constantly. It’s time to show our kids that we love them. Constantly. It’s time to take joy in their twenty-thousand daily questions and their inability to do things as quickly as we’d like. It’s time to take joy in their quirks and their ticks. It’s time to take joy in their facial expressions and their mispronounced words. It’s time to take joy in everything that our kids are…

As Thanksgiving quickly approaches, I am thinking about what I am thankful for this year and in general.

Emjo I feel your pain.
I don't need to live in a 70 degree house but do need to be comfortable. We have mostly lived in older homes with less than perfect insulation, now we live in a modern house (only 30 years old when oil was cheap) in our goldern years we try to be frugal and have a nice wood stove in addition to propane for heat. I have great difficulty getting hubby to wear more than a short sleeved shirt he solves his cold problem by living in a fleece robe which i have to peal off him to wash. Fortunately he has a pair so all is not lost.
For me I spent many years working outside with horses in the bitter upstate NY winters. never resorted to thermal underwear but i had several pairs of wool ski socks, wore long cotton turtlenecks so they tucked in well and heavy pure wool sweaters. LL Bean used to sell an oiled wool one which was wonderful and I used to buy a men's medium from the Salvation Army because men's are longer than woman's and have less wear.
Horses hate synthetics. G must know that trying to catch something skittish on a cold winter night just won't work if he goes out in the stylish acrylic sweater he just got for Christmas. The tried and true wool will soon have them nuzzling up poking their noses in the halter. Unfortunately they don't like rain slickers either so sometimes you get wet unless you can afford a burberry for the barn.
Get those flanell nighties Emjo, LLBean has some nice ones this year, otherwise hard to find.