The Caregiver & Dysfunctional Families: How are you doing?

sharyn - good articles. I have cringed in stores and other places and wanted to intervene. Always good to think of things for which to be thankful. We have so much in this part of the world and have little idea of the living conditions of many others. Your mother seems to have settled in nicely. Hope your sis is managing her health better and your aches are improving.

veronica - I do need 70, in the daytime, though prefer cooler at night. NY winters may be bitter, but I am in northern Alberta and it gets to 40 below and worse and the last 5 yrs. or so there has been wind. When we first came 35+ years ago there never was wind in the winter. It makes a big difference. The temp today is 19F but feels like 7F due to the wind. Thermal underwear is used here and flannel nighties are not hard to find. G wears long johns from Nov on till March, but he is so slim he does not retain heat well. Mother has some Icelandic wool sweaters - very warm. She used to knit Norwegian ones. G wears coveralls to deal with the horses. He has lined warm ones for the winter and has worked out in the pastures at 40 below. I am always amazed at him, as we can be dressed to go to the city, and need to stop for him to grain some horses. He puts in coveralls, his boots and gloves and does the work, then takes them off and steps back in the truck, all ready for the city again. Of course, normally, he wears work clothes under the coveralls.

I have changed to leggings, a fitted camisole and a pj top and that is keeping me warm, but I will get a couple of flannel nighties and a pair of slippers that go up to the ankles. The LL Bean nighties are nice. Thanks for the suggestion. I think I had a little flu as I woke up so cold, then was hot in the afternoon one day, and my legs ached for the past week. This a.m. I woke up and my legs weren't aching and I have more energy - put in my 30 mins. walking around the house already, so am over whatever it was.

More moose bones coming. G is butchering a moose for his uncle and I told him to bring bones - anything small enough to fit in my large stock pot. He can saw them up if necessary. No news from mother or the hospital which is great. Once she moves, there will be much to do, so this is a little respite. If she gets a personal phone that may bring some unwanted attention, though she was more content when on the risperidone before and called less.

Made a cake in a mug yesterday - very healthy, as I used ground flaxseed instead of flour. It was good and I will do it again. It may get to be a habit as then I don't have a pan of cake here tempting me, and G loves cake fresh from the oven - or microwave in this case. Next time I will try it with almond meal instead of the flax seed.

Alison what's happening??? How's your dad???


Hi everyone - happy Sunday. Do something good for you.

The final Part 3 to this article. I hope it has helped to explain how we get shut down in childhood, as parent,s we can do the same thing without realizing it.It’s time to stand up and ask what we can do to be better dads. It’s time to get our priorities straight. It’s time to come home and actually be a dad.

Dads. It’s time to show our sons how to properly treat a woman. It’s time to show our daughters how a girl should expect be treated. It’s time to show forgiveness and compassion. It’s time to show our children empathy. It’s time to break social norms and teach a healthier way of life! It’s time to teach good gender roles and to ditch the unnecessary ones. Does it really matter if your son likes the color pink? Is it going to hurt anybody? Do you not see the damage it inflicts to tell a boy that there is something wrong with him because he likes a certain color? Do we not see the damage we do in labeling our girls “tom boys” or our boys “feminine” just because they have their own likes and opinions on things? Things that really don’t matter?

Dads. Speak softly to your sons. Speak calmly to your daughters. Who do you want your child to be? Do you want him to be the kid at school that sits by himself with absolutely no friends or self esteem? Or do you want him to be the kid running for class office and feeling like he deserves to win it? Do we not see that we have the power to give that to our children? Do we not see that we have the power to teach our children the tools of societal survival?

Dads. Do we not see the influence we have when we say we believe in one thing, but our children see us living something else? Do we not realize how little we encourage our children to actually decide what they believe, declare what they believe, and then live by it? Whether it’s religion, politics, sports, or societal norms. It is not our place to tell our kids what to think. It is our place to teach our kids to think correctly. If we do this, we need have no fear of what they will decide for themselves and how strongly they’ll stand behind it. A man will follow his own convictions to his death, but he’ll only follow another man’s convictions until he steps in manure.

D*mn it, Dads. Every child has the innate right to ask for ice cream without being belittled and broken. Every child has the innate right to do so without being made to cower in the corner because the man who is supposed to be his hero is actually a small, small man altogether. Every child has the innate right to be happy, and giggle, and laugh, and play. Why aren’t you letting them? Every child on earth has the right to a dad who thinks before he speaks; a dad who understands the great power that has been given to him to ultimately shape another human being’s life; a dad who loves his child more than he loves his television shows or sports games; a dad who loves his child more than his material junk; a dad who loves his child more than his time. Every child deserves a superhero dad.

Maybe the truth is that a lot of dads don’t deserve their kids.

Maybe the truth is that a lot of dads aren’t really dads at all.

I apologize for the heatedness of my post. I believe a part of me feels like a coward for not saying something to the man in front of me at Costco. Consider this post to be my penance. Perhaps a part of me feels that if even one person reads this and decides to be a better dad, it was worth every second that I spent typing it. If one child has a better life because something in my words stirred their father to step up their game, then it was worth every ounce of begging and pleading with you to share this with others, of which I am inevitably going to be guilty.

Dads. Children are gifts. They are not ours for the breaking. They are ours for the making. So stand up with me and show the world that there are a lot of good dads around.

Dan P., Single Dad Laughing Pleading

Please join me on Facebook for daily posts (from funny, to heavy, to hilarious, to thoughtful).

PS, I was seriously ornery and sad when I wrote this. Please comment below and say whatever you like, but please also tell me about a good and real dad you know, somewhere, and what makes them good. I really need to hear it right now. Also, if you liked this post, be sure to read “16 Ways I Blew My Marriage.”

FOLLOW-UP NOTE: I recently published my first book The Real Dad Rules. I would be overly grateful to all parents who invest in a copy and take the time to read it. It’s a guide from an everyday dad to everyday parents. It celebrates parenthood, it truly and poignantly empowers all parents to be better parents, and it helps both dads and moms alike feel motivated and determined in ways they never expected to be possible.

It is very chilly...No, I take that back...for us, in November, it is cold tonight!!! Since the weather has cooled down that last few weeks, my aches and pains have gotten better...figure that one out??? I guess it could mean it is not arthritis??? Related more to muscle strain???

Tiger made an escape today!!! My hubs tried chasing him down but Tiger b-lined across the street. Hubs took a plate with cat food on it dinging the plate with a fork...(the signal for food which always brings him running), Tiger ignored the ploy. Hubs gave up, came in the house and a little later he saw Tiger in the backyard. So again he used the plate of food and left the sliding glass door open to the back.Eventually Tiger came in, LOL!!! I had to laugh because the vision of this 6ft tall man who weighs around 265lb chasing after a cat who weighs about 16lbs must have been hilarious to witness!!

I understand the reason for this neighbor to trap cats...but really, Tiger has been a part of our lives for 10 years now. As neighbors we have to deal with many unpleasant things to keep the peace...such as, loud music being played until 11 pm, neighbors children trampling a plant or pulling off a flower which breaks the stem...we all deal with certain things about other people so close...can I trap the loud music players or the unwanted damage to my garden...the speeder who drives down the street at 40 instead of 25. Just some examples and just venting, I know it is unrealistic.

I am off Tuesday and plan to take my mom browsing through some shops. There is an antique shop here (I bought chalk paint there),the woman who helped me used to work in the memory care unit where my mom lives. She misses working there, I thought I would take my mom by for a visit and explore the shop more since my first stop there was for something specific, I did not look at the entire store.

Have a good night and Happy Monday!!!

Sharryn I have had cats forever and absolutely love their furry present but boy do I get burned up when my newly seeded vegetable garden with the soil I have spent hours preparing used it as a toilet. Even if it is my own cat I am mad. Even large pots in the house will get used the same way. If it is a neighbors cat who pees on newly fruiting tomatoes causing them to wilt and die I am especially incensed.
I would never hurt an animal but at times I am sorely tempted. so keep hubby running round the neiborhood he may loose a few pounds. As you learned you never catch an animal by chasing it - they just run faster.

Veronica- I do understand what you are saying, I just hate seeing my cat so miserable right now. I hope he comes around to adjusting. Yes hubby can keep chasing him... That vision does make me smile!!

I used a small spray bottle to spray the cat when he did something I did not like -like trying to get outside-it worked well-my sister uses it on her goat also-one day Benji saw me spraying my hair to set it and what a strange look I got from him

that is funny, Austin!

My daughter uses the cans of compressed air to discipline her cats (both terrible thieves) Now you only have to pick up the can and they scatter

Well that little neighbor cat returned, the one we've nicknamed Pucci.
My husband thought of the name. He goes in our garden and continues chewing on my lemongrass. My husband was getting all upset about it, but I just told him, "Oh let him," I just move the plant, as it's a potted one. But I understand if any little animals are disturbing a gardener's hard work, too. The squirrels used to mess w/my former attempts to grow tomatoes some years ago.
That is funny Emjo about the Goat.

Much Love & Light! Margeaux

Glad,

I'm happy to hear that you will be getting away during the Thanksgiving.
What a difference from that year when you were fretting having to gather with who was it......TS1, or TS2? That should be a great break for you!

Much Love & Light! Margeaux

Goat, Margeaux? Did I write something about a goat?

I wonder if the compressed air would work with the dog. She is my problem, not the cat. She has a high prey drive and will charge Tiger when he comes in the house or a room. She butts in taking his food or preventing time being spent with the cat. Tiger is very gentle, he hisses at her, swats her but wont use his claws to hurt her. Yes my gentle giant 17lb cat is a wuss, LOL!! I love him being so gentle and it hurts to know he is unhappy. Now that my car is paid off, I will pay for training for Midget especially to learn the "leave it be" command and to teach her impulse control. It will be well worth it.

My daughter is at her wits end with her hubs. Yesterday was a bad day and her hubs gets frustrated and angry, he started talking down to the babies, saying mean things. She got angry telling him to stop talking to them like they are adults. He got his feelings hurt and as of today around 2pm, he still was not talking with her, hiding out in their office on the computer. She said he slept in the office too. Since she is on vacation this week, I suggested she take one of the boys with her or both if necessary and get out of the house for a while to give each other a break, a cooling off period. Having twins/one baby is a big adjustment...since they have no family around to help them, it is very hard. What he is feeling is normal but how do you help a man...they are so difficult to get them to read info or do certain things because their mind tells them it is silly/embarrassing. How do you get a man to get over the idea of being gentle, loving and nurturing without it demeaning their ego???

Margeaux, yup a year ago were the holidays from he!!!!!! Guardian had just become involved and TS's had told her that I was keeping them away from Mom. So had xmas eve brunch for TS's at Mom's then all down to my daughter's for xmas eve dinner. I hated it, had a major meltdown, all with guardian present. And TS's probably loved every minute of it, as they sat at dinner with my ex that hadn't been involved with xmas eve since we separated. It was the worst xmas of my life.

Then after guardian had been involved with the situation for a while, she began to understand that the problem isn't me, but two dilusional TS's.

It will be very nice to just be away for five days over Thanksgiving. And TS#2 just could not get the concept that other people want dinner with their families too. She was planning on having an agency caregiver here with folks for part of the day. But didn't believe guardian then I clarified when TS revealed her plan, that the agency charges time and a half for 24 hours even if just a few of the hours are used. I think the agency gets real tired of me trying to set up time with them, then have the twisted ones say oh I guess I will help a little so readjust caregiver hours yet again. And I don't blame them!

I did-I could not sit on my sister's deck with out the goat attacking me until we used the spray bottle-like cats Oreo did not like getting wet.

Sharyn did your SIL have distant parents when he was a young child? That may be why he is taking the diversion of daughters attention so hard. I would suggest some professional intervention before this neglected overgrown boy starts looking elsewhere for "comfort"

About the dog, I heard just the other day that very timid dogs do attack other household pets because they actually feel threatened. Does not help the kitty but if you get the dog trained it may help. Can you make sure the cat always has somewhere to escape to and keep his food up where the dog can't reach it. All dogs will steal cat's food unless the cat has very sharp claws. My sweet little rescue was constantly harassed by the stray I took in. They would both sleep on me at night but the stray thought nothing of walking over the rescue to reach her prefered place. now I just have the rescue so no more problems.

Glad~So great that you can get away for Thanksgiving. I am thinking about you, enjoy the time away.

Veronica~Yes Tiger is set up with a litter box, food and water, a cat tree in my daughters old room. Lately he has taken to sleeping in a deep wicker basket I have in the room. I usually keep Tiger locked in this room when I am work and give him the run of the house at night while Midget is locked up in the master bedroom for the night.I am off today/hubs is on vacation this week and next so Tiger is getting the run of the house plus hubs put up the child gate so Midget cannot access the the 2 bedrooms on that side of the house. Tiger can easily jump the child gate so he still can access the rest of the house. Today Tiger is more sociable,probably because I am home. He ate good this morning for the first time since keeping him indoors.I went to PetSmart to buy a couple feather boas on a plastic stick to wriggle around for play time..he loves the feathers. I also bought a rawhide chew and a stuffed Rudolph Reindeer squeak toy for Midget. So far today they are doing ok around each other.

My sil is not close with his father, they get along well...for example...when his parents were still living in Idaho, his dad would call my sil inviting him to come over to watch the football game on a Sunday. My sil excitedly would go over...but after 2-3 times was disappointed because all they did was watch the game with no communication...this is typical of dads and sons but clearly my sil wanted something more.He is closer with his mother...again very typical.

My daughter sent me a video today of Ethan rolling over for the first time!!! Very exciting to see their growth. I am happy my daughter was able to witness it first. I was always somewhat jealous when I got this news from the babysitter.

I took my mom out this morning browsing in a few shops. She loves to get out like this and I got her some chocolate chip cookies to take back with her. I enjoyed the time with her and she did very well being out.

I started some bone broth today using turkey necks we bought at the grocery store. This is the only time of year we can get them. I planned on buying some before I left work yesterday...having an early shift, I had to drain the old vegetable oil from the fryer so a boil out could be done this morning and fresh clean oil put back in the fryer. Well, I created an oil spill, LOL!!! Had to use spill magic on the oil to absorb it so I could sweep it up. Took me 45 minutes to get it done and transport the old oil along with the oil that was absorbed by spill magic to the back of the store so they can dispose of it all according the state law.Stuff happens, oh well!!

Have a good Tuesday everyone!!

BTW, my daughter said she and hubs talked things out last night. She admitted even though she does better with lack of sleep than her hubs, she still has her moments but does not communicate it. Communication is key to working out all things. They, hopefully will learn that and get stronger in following through.

Today I feel like crying. I feel so much pressure and am so tired. My dysfunctional family gossips and judges insanely. I decided to begin asserting my rights as my mother's only caretaker and put the word out I am welcome to suggestions but if I say "NO" the answer is no. My low self esteem and people pleasing have kept me down and silent in the past but no more. Taking care of my mom is so great on so many levels and sucks on so many levels. Thanks for listening to me.

Emjo,

Oh....my apologies, it was Austin who wrote about a goat and hairspray, which I thought was hilarious.

Sorry, hope all is well, will write later,

Much Love & Light! Margeaux

Glow, we are all there with you. When we provide the necessary care for our folks, siblings become extremely difficult to deal with. They want to tell you how to do things, and criticize the way you do them. They always want to change a "no" to a yes and do everything they can to manipulate you, and will even go behind your back to undermine your care!

Hang in there, there are many of us here!

Sharynmarie,

This must be a huge adjustments for both your daughter and SIL, with twins.
I've watched my own niece right now dealing with 3 little ones w/only a year apart from one another, and it's now complete chaos. She has help from her sister, a nanny (who doubles up w/mom), then when my sister is home, she does her share. I'm not really there to see how niece's husband interacts.....but my sister says he does really well. Well, maybe it just an adjustment period, too.

Once my niece and husband move back into their home, which I think will be soon...they will not have the added help they've had recently, so let's see how that goes. But I think this is kind of par for the course of new families.

Hugs,
Much Love & Light! Margeaux

Just airing my anger. Mom complained the sitter took her to small town yokel doc for injection in her knee. It's swollen and hurts worse than before. She said she what's to see her orthopedic in town 40 miles away who she has been seeing for years. I said mom why didn't you go see dr Atkins? She said she didn't know. I have called her physician of over 20 years, in their group for 49 years and made her appt to see the specialist orthopedic as he directed. Brothers are livid. Why do they want to take all my moms rights away?????? Haven't been around for years and I guess guilt is making them want to "Take over. ". Wonder what legal problem this is?????????? Omg I can't believe I am losing my brothers over a. 23 year old sitter who is calling the shots. Thx for listening

Today has been a pain in the a** kind of day.
Just this last summer, I was able to be signed on to my husband's health insurance plan. But then, he was disqualified from his plan, because he was short on hours of work. Some other regulations changed, in terms of eligibility, there's so much changing with this Obamacare.

Anyway, when I was able to get signed on, back in the summer.....I searched the internet for a doctor, found one, had some tests done etc. Then the eligibility problem happened after that, so I wasn't signed on w/them too long.

So now.......here we go again w/staying in line w/these new rules to get health insurance. We are looking again for doctors. He was bummed out, since he's had his doctor for over 15 yrs., now. He can't use him anymore because he's not part of the network. So today, I've been doing a ton of homework, searching for docs, and other things related to insurance. It is completely confusing. We still don't even know what kind of plan we'll be getting, the costs and all of that. Of course this is a supplemental plan. I'm kind of wiped out doing the search too. Anyway, that's been my day

Hope you all had a good day.

Much Love & Light! Margeaux

Margeaux, Obamacare, what a mess! So many going through this and it will be every year. And employers are cutting people's hours so they don't need to provide insurance, to say nothing about cutting employees period! Maybe Obummercare will go away with new congress.

The problem with Obamacare (yeah, right! "care' ????), is that it requires that insurances cover More basic procedures for FREE - like the yearly mammogram, etc... By making it "Free" for the patient, it adds more cost to the employer. PLUS, Obamacare can make it a requirement that your 25 year old child be covered in your insurance. That adds up the cost for the employer. So, I can see where a lot of businesses will cut cost by cutting back working hours so that their employees work below the minimum hours to qualify for medical insurance.

In our office, each of us pays about $136/month. But my boss' 25 year old daughter, working minimum wage part-time was added into our insurance due to Obamacare. This increased my boss' cost from $136 to about $316/month. And he's having a hard time trying to get his adult daughter (who moved out with her boyfriend) to pay for her portion. And that is just one person with 1 daughter added on. Can you imagine if you have 3 adult children over 21 and under age 26 ..and how many employees in that same situation? So now, that monthly medical premium your employer is paying has increased drastically. In order to survive, they either cut the employees hours and no more medical insurance.. or you maintain the full time employees but lay off others - to maintain the status quo.

Then, you get laid off from work or your insurance got dropped. You go online to apply for the Obamacare. Lo and behold! Your work insurance used to be $136 a month.. Obamacare will cost you $400- $800/month...depending on which plans you chose/qualify.

Now if your an independent self-employed person, that Obamacare can go as high as $800-some a month. (Saw on an interview of one self-employed who checked the options.) The person cannot pay $800-some a month. And the only option is to have no insurance. Obamacare will Penalize that person who has no insurance. So... what do you do? You cannot pay $800/month. When tax refund comes - the gov't will take your tax refund to pay for any penalty that you didn't pay.

Kimberly... too bad that your brothers pay more heed to the young caregiver than to you - who has more experiences. Can you keep a daily journal? I'm trying to start one - to protect myself. Plus I'm getting so forgetful. A journal can jog my memory. Can you write on this journal basically what you just told us.

Thx bookluver. Wish I had done that months ago !!

Kimberly who gives the caregiver authority to decide where to take Mom for her medical care?

Glow,

This is good that you've taken the step to assert yourself with your family.
Many times we end up keeping quiet for too long, and people just get the impression they can walk all over us. If you feel like crying.....nothing wrong with that either, it's a relief.

Hugs,
Much Love & Light! Margeaux

sharyn - glad your dd and sil have talked it through. One baby is a big adjustment -2 is more than big and I am sure they will have lots to deal with and lots to talk about. Communication is key. The babyies are triggering some of his issues re his father I suspect. Nothing like a baby to make you face your issues and grow up. I dropped a bottle of ginger orange stir fry sauce this morning, it broke and there was a sticky mess to clean up, so I sympathize. I won't buy another one - rather make my own.

Glow - dysfun fams are exhausting - and we are brought up to be people pleasers with no esteem. It serves them. Good for you for standing up to what you know is right. I have basically cut off my sis for the trouble/stress she causes and she will stay cut off - a relationship with her is not worth it for the stress.

Margeaux -it was hilarious and the cat giving Austin a look! The whole Obamacare looks like a nightmare to me. I would not want to have to go through that. I am so thankful for our system.

Kim - sibs aaargh - rush in and think they know what is best and end up causing endless trouble. My sis wanted to move mother to an inferior but cheaper facility, because my demented paranoid mother wanted it. I resisted which caused much grief to be heaped on my head, but eventually mother did get the treatment she needed - and is on a waitlist for a mental health facility which is what she needs. Good luck to you.

Book wow -you have seen how it works from the inside. Sounds like it will cost many people more. A journal is a good idea.

Veronica - good question. I saw you wrote on another thread about having to compromise your expectations of yourself for one reason or another re house organization. I am the same. I cannot let it get to me or I will end up doing even less. Getting rid of stuff will make housekeeping in general easier and that is my goal. but doing stuff for mother takes too much of my available energy. The next big effort will be moving her, then after that selling/disposing of her remaining furniture etc. by auction. I plan on getting rid of some of my stuff at that time, But, we all know, the plans of mice and men often go awry. I hope this doesn't.

Got a flu shot yesterday, so a little tired today. I suppose it is time for another pneumonia shot too soon. Think I mentioned that my daughter's cat had to be put down. They have a new kitty - dark grey markings with a tabby face and legs and "ocecat" on the body. Very pretty. She is energetic and playful but does not seem to be very socialized, but that may come. The dogs get along well with her which is great.

Have a good day all