
Many of us, myself included, come from a dysfunctional family which adds a lot of weight to the challenges of caregiving. I have read stores on various threads on other topics and decided it would be good to have a thread just for this topic for people to share, vent and discuss.
The idea for this thread originated on the thread named "The Caregiver....How are YOU doing today?"
I worked today, managed to get off work by 4:20. When I got home, my daughter had texted me saying to call her. I called her, I ended up face timing with my grandsons' while she bathed one, I entertained the other. It was so awesome...they cooed, smiled and did the fussy cry while I talked and sang to them. My daughter and I sang together "One Tin Soldier"...it brought tears to my eyes.The emotional connections are the strongest for me.
I'm trying to fight against being so modernized. I'm torn about getting a FaceBook account so that I can keep updated with my siblings in the states. And then I need to change my cell phone from prepaid to a monthly account so that I can have online access. Having a prepaid cell phone is very limiting. Then I need to get Skype (kindle and laptop) but.....
The reason I'm mentioning this is because when I hear stories like Sharyn just shared, it makes me realize how limiting I'm making myself. I could Skype to my siblings. =( Not really.. don't care for that. But... I need to get with 'it' because nowadays in the work place, receptionists and assistant aides are into these stuff as part of their job. sigh...
Thanks, Sharyn. I was gluttonous yesterday. I stuffed myself at lunch, then dinner and the midnight 'snack' which was really a meal and not a snack. Today is the first time I've had a really bad acid reflux in months. Because I rarely get it now, I don't carry with me the Gas-X. 9pm and still miserable - in the guts. Do I regret eating all that food yesterday. Nope!
sharyn - how lovely. I did video calls with Em when dd and sil lived down east for a while. Modern technology can be great. Those babies will grow so fast...
glad - wonderful that you are having a good break. Well deserved! The TSs need to know what you go through week after week.
brandy - not sure what to say about the orderly - everyone gave good advice. Can your mum let you know if anything happens? Keep us posted.
Austin - so nice to have family around. Hope all travelling are safe. The roads here are dreadful and I am so thankful that G has a large truck, though he needs to keep weight in the box.
Me -good you are thankful for even the pets. Hope they settle down. As Austin said - a spray bottle of water works for many.
Welcome Leah. Absentee siblings is one of the common themes here. Better absentee than making trouble, but neither is good. There are those who do the work, and there are those don't, and some who criticise and want money. I am not sure they will regret it. I think they make their choices very aware of what they are doing. Good for you for hanging in there. Sounds like your mum was a good mum and that is not always the case.
book - do Tums help? Yes, that technology is more and more in the work place. G's meeting this week was the people in the west videoconferencing with the east. Cheaper than flying them all down east. I wouldn't be surprised if they have more meetings this way to save money.
fligirl - I am so glad that you are getting some help. Hope your pain subsides. The Black Friday thing from CM was funny! Commercial greed is amazing.
More snow here again, though the temps are up, but with wind chill still pretty bad. RCMP are advising against travel, not that I am thinking of going farther than the local stores. Online shopping is great for so many things. It looks so peaceful outside - all white and clean. Got an invoice and a note from mother's shopper about the outings which continue to go well. Mother bought herself some winter boots at an atrocious price, and other things. I am glad I don't have to shop for her any more for a while. So thankful for this lady. I gather the SW has a list of other ladies should we need it. D is pretty booked up. Also got mother's tax refund and the tax service paid for, arranged for for another 6 months of furniture storage & sent in post dated cheques, as well as paying D. Should be good for a while.
Guts doing pretty well in the alternate meds and no side effects so far - YAY! I have been losing some hair on the other one (a known side effect). Happened before. My hairdresser and I have noticed, but no one else has, and I am off it now, so it will grow back.
Hope every one has a good weekend. Thinking of those who haven't posted for a while. Do let us know how you are.
Do something good for you today!
He hires a guy who frys up lots of turkeys. I've decided that I don't care for the fried version of turkey. They are so bland. i much rather prefer a roasted one, because I really think that turkey does well amping up the flavor with herbs and spices. Maybe I'll make one during the Christmas season.
I made a sweet potato casserole. I wanted to do a ying and yang recipe which is bringing down the sweet flavor of the sweet potato. So I had plans to layer the bottom of casserole with green beans, and forgot to buy them. So I substituted with cabbage, onions and celery. I layered it on the bottom of casserole then added the sweet potato on top, with a good pinch of cayenne. So it was spicy and sweet.
My husband, who always gives me his funny advice about my recipes. He said, that the plate/casserole is all about presentation. HAAH! Apparently, he thought it didn't look so appealing. I know he judged this by the fact that the casserole didn't get completely eaten. There wasn't much left really. Actually we went a bit late to this event, which next year I'm pushing to show up earlier. By the time we arrived the first seating of people had attacked the side dishes table, and it's very big. There are tons of side dishes, it was probably just my husbands nit picky way about things. He suggested, that I just make the sweet potatoes in their whole form, or cut them up. I almost did that, but thought casserole would be a more exciting way. Oh well! We just can't seem to please the non-cooking masses.
So, I just replied to him, "Well honey....that's really a whole different menu, and this time I opted for a casserole." He like it none the less. Good thing was, I had some saved in the fridge and last night I turned it into a Sheppard's pie of sorts.
Oh boy did he love that, so did I!
I had some good conversation with someone I hadn't seen in 4 yrs.
We talked about how we really enjoy attending this Thanksgiving with friends,
and how he felt the very same way, that spending it with family for him is like spending it with polite strangers. Thank you to the author of that phrase, so fitting.
I hope everyone survived their Thanksgiving.
Much Love & Light! Margeaux
It was fun all in all our orphan Thansksgiving.
Much
Margeuax~sounds like you had a good thanksgiving, good for you..
Iwentanon~Yes may we all have abundant health, including you!!
We had a good relaxing dinner yesterday with my mom and sis. I separated turkey carcass into 2 different crock pots have it cooking on low but there is not enough room to add veggies, LOL!!
Tonight I logged on to facebook with a friend request from MY HUSBAND!! WTH???I yelled to him from my office asking him if he created another fb account. He said yes because he could not log in on his original account. I said You got hacked!!! Then my son texted me saying he received a friend request from his dad and it said he was no longer working for ......! I told him not to accept it, dad was hacked probably on the new account he created with no security controls added. Hubs said that Kate was back on his friend list, he does not know how??? I told him....Look, if this is what you want to do, and you feel good about yourself doing it that is perfectly ok ...THEN DO IT...I do not have the time or patience for it. He said he was not talking with her, does not know how she got on his friend list. I have come to the conclusion, my husband has no idea how to work the internet. This blows me away for someone who is very intelligent, uses a computer at work. Of course at work, he is using a program specifically for their needs, but he has only recently started to explore the internet at home.
Em
"Pull into the next gas station and ask where we are then I will use the MAP" no we have to pull off the road and reprogram the GPS and listen to that annoying woman for the next 50 miles. Stay on 81 I say but no there is a better way.Keep the faith Sharyn you are a good woman
I'm not going to get into my long story... not yet. Suffice to say that I'm an only child of a physically and emotionally abusive mother. My father knew what was going on but turned a blind eye to it. He and I have made our peace and now have a loving relationship. My mother, on the other hand, refused to acknowledge any of it and accused me of making it all up. My parents have been divorced for almost 40 years.
My mother's also narcissistic. She distanced herself from family and friends because they didn't see things her way. She distanced herself from me because I refused to let her affect my children the way she affected me.
About a year and a half ago, I was contacted by the social services coordinator of the senior citizen's building where she lived. My mother was behaving erratically, had accidentally started a small fire in her kitchen and kept accusing the super of going into her apartment and moving things around. Mind you, it had been 5 years since we last spoke. During that time, I'd call and leave messages that she never returned even when I invited her to her grandchildren's weddings. I could have let Adult Protective Services take over. They had been called and I spoke to the caseworker who was assigned to her but she seemed to think my mother was OK to live on her own based on the fact that she was paying her bills on time. I decided to visit my mother and found her very disoriented, barely eating and not taking her medications. I couldn't just leave her so I told APS that I'd assume responsibility.
Short story huh? LOL. I managed to get her to assign me as POA during one of her last lucid moments for which I'm so grateful. It would have been a nightmare otherwise. Now my mother's in a nursing home, diagnosed with dementia. I'm the only relative who lives anywhere near her and it's at least 2 hours away. My children never had a good relationship with her so they're staying out of it. All my other relatives question why I bothered but, in her position, I would hope that someone steps up for me.
Although my mother's now more delusional than not, I believe she realizes that I'm all she has now. Instead of being critical, she's happy to see me when I visit. Mine is the only number she remembers; in fact it's the number she recites for just about anything... her Social Security, bank account, even the winning lottery numbers.
My family says I'm building up points in heaven or good karma. I don't know about all that. I get frustrated a lot because I'm the only one dealing with all of it... the paperwork, the frantic calls when my mother believes she's been robbed (that's her major delusion for some reason) or when the staff needs me to help calm her down when she tries to leave and becomes agitated.
gladimhere- Im glad you were able to get away have a calm holiday :)
Leah623- Welcome and Im sorry its just you and your youngest brother, but your mom is very lucky to have you both. Your right, its takes a lot to be strong, hang in there, we understand. Hugs :)
bookluvr- I also dont have Facebook, well, at least for now, and will not Skype. Of course maybe I would Skype if one day when my kids are older they move out of town. (I will give in )You go at the pace you need to! Sorry about your acid reflux, I have it too, its horrible! I cant even it bread! Glad you enjoyed your dinner , Im still eating Pie! :)
fligirl58- I agree- you keep coming back even though your sis is helping! I hope you feel better to :)
emjo23- Yes that spray bottle helps them not jumping on us, but still working on the rest! I also like online shopping! I hope your feeling better now and you are so strong! :)
Margeaux- Your wonderful to spend your Holiday with them :) Well, appealing is nice and all but what counts is how it tastes and Im sure your casserole was delicious! Glad you saw your friend.
Iwentanon-I hope your Holiday went well :)
brandywine1949- I hope for the best for you and your family :
JessieBelle- Good advice, hope your holiday went well :)
Veronica91- Oh wow, Im glad it was only fleas. I agree, men, well, Id rather just say Im glad Im single. Not saying Im perfect, but most men ( not all) are hard to reason with. :)
EMinNJ- Welcome :) You are amazing to step in and care for your mom after what you have been through. You have a wonderful heart and Im glad your mom is realizing this. I hope you had a wonderful holiday despite everything going on.
Now that Thanksgiving is behind us, we start into the Christmas shopping, decorating and the whole nine yards. I ordered 2 Winnie The Pooh Bears for my grandson's. I could not find 2 stuffed teddy bears with different colors that I liked, so I decided on Winnie The _Pooh since he was my daughters favorite...still is. My daughter has told me they do not need clothes for the boys but they do need walkers and the next step up in car seats. I am torn as to whether I want to help her these items or if I want to spend my money on what I want to buy for them that is from gramps and grammy. I will not get the car seats as they are very expensive and I feel I have indulged my daughter enough with the expense of the baby shower, buying 2 cribs, and the 2 weeks I spent with her back in August. Any suggestions on this, I will appreciate...thank you!!
What I wish I had done for my children since they were born is to have purchased some sort of a special/collectible Christmas ornament or decoration each year. With my kids I started probably 15 years ago. They would have quite a collection by now. I did start with my grandkids, though. The first year they all received a Baby's First Christmas" ornament. Each Christmas since the ornnament has been something that they were interested in at the time, whether it be Big Bird, My Little Pony, Frozen is likely to be it for this year. I then use a Sharpie to write the year on the ornament, the child's name, and "Love, Grandma".
Two years ago, I took my Mom to a birthday party for one of my grandbabies at "Build a Bear" and Santa was set up in the mall right outside. After the party, we all stood in line to have a picture with Santa, yes including my Mom. That year Hallmark had a knit coin purse ornament with initials on it. So, from Mom that year my grandkids each receieved the coin purse with their initial on it, inside was a laminated picture of the visit with Santa, and a short Christmas poem printed on Christmas themed paper, personalized just a bit by Mom. When each grandkid sets up their own homes, they have a nice collection of ornaments for their own trees. For my grandkids I try, though don't always succeed, to stay away from toys, because they get so many of them. Though a teddy bear is a bit different.
And it is special now, my kids have told me how they look forward to their ornaments now and they are in their 30's! When they are opened they each show the other what they have received, and there are some stories and laughs thay tell the story of why I chose a specific ornament each year. It has become a tradition, a meaningful one, that everybody enjoys. And the bonus? It usually does not cost too much, especially if I buy the next years ornament at the after Christmas sales!
Sharyn just as an after thought your SIL must be feeling rather left out seeing all these gifts directed at the babies which by extension may be viewed as gifts for your daughter. could you find something a little more expensive especially for him. something he would like for a hobby. A tool he hasn't got or even the battery powered version of one he already owns. The batteries are much improved now and not having to drag a cord around is really delightful. Maybe something for his car or any other personal interest. I know he is feeling left out because of the little ones so this may help a little. At least he will see MIL understands and is not just supporting her daughter. By the way I think the ornaments are a wonderful idea and not just for children.
gladimhere- Thats also a sweet memory and great idea! Never to late to start a new tradition. Hmm maybe I will too :)
Veronica91- Great ideas and I also shop at discount stores and have food as gift items! True on cost, we sent my sis food, and the bill to send it was over $120!! The food cost around $60!!! I think the whole point of Christmas got out of mind with many- it turned into how many gifts and what they were. The point of Christmas is Jesus, and to be together, love one another , being thankful and respecting others...etc. Of course, my kids incl some others I know, are sadly one of those need everything types. Yes my grandfather spoiled them rotten every year so they expect it now even though he wants to quit it. Ive had the talks with them and told them how it was but, they will get used to it one day! I hope!
But what these people dont understand is Im having health issues, my kids ARE NOT NORMAL, they are getting tested for mental health disorders, with tests saying yes and probables Autism /Anxiety. And rule in or ( rule outs) my son Unspecified Neurodevelopmental Disorder ,Interment Explosive Disorder,ODD,ADHD ( ADHD been diagnosed) ETC...when he is violent watch out and has issues almost daily. Plus add my sis who is like my son, my dad is ill, and I have my grandpa who honestly I believe needs 24 hr care.
What else most dont realize or should I say believe is the hell I went through as a kid and adult with grandpa and various family. I have been told how great I was when I did things exactly to a tea for them, some things I just cant do and I get put down. But the thing the people dont get is that its been this way MY WHOLE LIFE!!! My grandpa puts an act on, he laughs and says how wonderful things are, makes jokes, doesnt understand whats going on with me or rest family, is NOT prejudice etc but as soon as they leave, my friend being one, its back to the same old ways. He puts a front as I have for many years and now I tell the truth no one believes me, heck I wasnt believed then either! Once in a blue moon when its me and him I get a compliment. Why fight anymore to prove how he really is when no matter what no one believes me?
And the new rules at grandpas Dr is they will give me no info because Im not his Guardian. I said Im his granddaughter who stays nights with him and help with food, days but Im not legally appointed guardian and she said from now on no appts can be made without him!!! I cant hack this! Plus I misunderstood his old caretaker saying she called to confirm, but she meant me.. im so stressed and been so sick, my cough isnt going away and I have other health issues, they are adding up. Yes I admit this past month or so I have been "worse" with forgetting things and doing things because Im at my end of the line!!!
Well, good thing I opened the card. My aunt had written something to the effect of "I have a hard time getting ahold of you. What's wrong and why can't I talk to you on the phone?"
Seriously. What part of *mom has dementia, has moved out of state to be near me, and has declined to the point she now lives in a locked memory care unit* is so hard to remember? Mom can physically speak on the phone, but what she talks about is her paranoid ranting and accusations that everybody is out to kill her and steal her stuff. I know that my aunt has been told what my mom's condition is many times. She is just Queen of Denial and a mildly vindictive little sister.
This is the same aunt who ripped me a new one years ago for suggesting that mom needs to plan ahead for her old age care. Just let the Lord take care of it. Well, somebody here on earth has to actually fill out the paperwork and pack the boxes, don't they?
This aunt drives me nuts with her insistent denial of reality. She's always been like this so I don't know why I expected differently from her.
Now, I'm considering not even giving the card to my mom. It would upset her to read that. I'm not against them talking to each other. They've always had a fractious and competitive sister relationship, doing things to dig at each other over the years. I guess not even time, old age, and illness can put that to the back burner.
This aunt cared for grandma in her declining years with dementia and it was not good for either of them. We didn't know what we do now, and it was always a fight with grandma for not doing certain things or not doing them right and not remembering. I feel so bad for the way grandma got treated because nobody caring for her knew better back then. Grandma was just a holy pain in the patoot.
I know the reality of the situation and that my aunt is not able to understand how to talk to a dementia patient and not upset them (or willing to try). If she can't understand mom's current state, how is she going to understand the context of anything mom spouts at her? I feel like this is an avoidable headache for everyone concerned. If anybody asks, my answer is "what card?"