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I've arranged some home nurses, scheduled follow up visits, and generally got a better idea of where my dad is at right now. He fell yesterday, even with me helping him walk. BUT - he does have physical therapy home nurse coming 2x a week. I'm grateful for that. Feeding tube is not in use at all but needs to be flushed, by me :-/, once a day. Stupid nursing facility didn't bother to change his catheter so he needs a trip up to the VA in the city very soon to get that done, he's due. Even with the help from home nurses I can see he needs so much more care. He's 110 pounds and wore a dirty paper diaper even though it was falling off of him. He's not incontinent and I asked him why he didn't wear his regular undershorts and deciphered there was no reason except he just hadn't put them on. Well when I have to put regular underwear on him just because he doesn't have the good judgment to do that himself... and I had to make all his meals today because he won't get out of bed... I called my social worker friend today and signed him up for Meals on Wheels. If I have any chance of going back to work, I need ALL the services I can get for him... and I nagged him to take his meds but he still hasn't... I'm a bit too tired to think straight anymore due to long day yesterday prepping for and getting him home, then no sleep last night. Just know that I'm thinking of all of you and appreciating you and wishing good things for each of your situations. I think it's going to be a long December for me. That's ok. I'm ok. I even got out the boxes of Christmas decorations today. I'll put them up in a few days.

I pretty much slept the entire month and a half, or just generally took it really easy, while my father was hospitalized. Gosh, it was delicious. ;-) Now we start again. I don't see a way to change my voluntary servitude until he stabilizes, or, severely declines. Right now, stuck in the middle of a slow waiting period. Waiting for something to happen.

Thanks for letting me make this post all about me for right now. I really feel like I'm on such a roller coaster with my dad... and that's with me not even taking the indulgence of acknowledging any resentments or feelings of unfairness. I don't have the luxury of thinking about any of that right now, I don't think. 🌺

Love to all of you. Hope you're doing good. (((((Big Hugs)))))
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Emjo, I don't know what caused the problem with swallowing. He was really, really ill by the time I could get him to go to the hospital. He had been backing up urine for maybe a week at that point. I guess it was just his body's reaction, trying to shut him down from putting anything more in his system that it couldn't process correctly? I really don't know and none of the medical people ever said or suggested why it happened. But the good news is he's now approved for all solid foods again. I imagine that in a few weeks we can look at possibly getting the g-tube removed... or the home nurse said sometimes they'll keep it in until a certain weight gain is achieved. Tube or no-tube will get sorted out at upcoming doctor's appts. I wouldn't mind if he keeps the tube for awhile, he needs to gain some weight and I have not been helpful to him in that area. I did order several cases of extra calorie supplement drinks. Problem is that now my dad won't eat, he just drinks those because they're next to his bed. He just has zero interest in being proactive about getting better.
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It's good to hear of progress, Alison; maybe the pace will pick up once he begins to feel a bit better. If he was having renal problems, I know those do make anyone feel absolutely dreadful - which would do nothing for his appetite or his motivation, poor chap. I hope he continues to improve.
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Alison, I am so glad you had a great rest these past weeks. Your dad has made progress if he can eat now, but it sounds like he is pretty weak Bad mark to them for not changing his catheter. I gather you will have visiting nurses who can do this, It is good he is having rehab at home to build him up. It does sound like you are on a roller coaster. Do you think he is a bit depressed if he is not interested in food other than Boost? It is hard for you to plan anything for yourself until, as you say, he stabilizes or goes down hill.

Austin, know as I get older I just can't deal with people who are troublemakers. I cut them off.

guestshop - I lost a child too, at age 23, and have given donations in his name. It is a good idea and does put things in perspective,

Sharyn some typos in your third paragraph so I didn't get some if it, but glad you got the emailvideo of Ethan sent. Yeah, the childhood stuff shows through.

Walked for a hour in the house a few more times and my heel is sore today so having a rest. The hardwood floors are hard -- I may need to wear better shoes. My pork hock bone broth is awesome. It made a really good gel and I have made a sort of Chinese soup out of it - garlic, onions, ginger, boy choy and spices. I may shop tomorrow and get some ground pork. Little pork meatballs in it would be great.

G is off dealing with the herd reduction and it is very hard in him, and oldest grandson will leave in January to stay with his dad. It hasn't been easy for my daughter, but under her insistence he did get a proper job so she can feel good about that. He will be 26 in a few days and needs to stand on his own feet, but, unfortunately his dad will, again, look after him. He has a sense of entitlement which is a real disadvantage in life. Prayers for G and g'son S if anyone is inclined.

Warmed up here to nearly the teens which is great and better forecast for next week.

Take care everyone and do something good for you.
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Hi ABB! I couldn't help comparing your dad with mine. My dad will only take his meals via the nutrient drink. Solid food is not as tempting as before..unless it's pizza. Because he's bedridden and refuses to get off the bed, he's gaining weight. He has UTI and have a 10-day antibiotics. He should have been done with it yesterday, Friday. But because he refuses to take it when he should, it was moved to today. Yesterday, he refused to take the 2 pills, so now it's Sunday. Lastnight we had a big argument over it. He said that it should be 10 days. Well, 10 days is over. So he doesn't have to take the last 4 pills. I said that it would have been 10 days if he took it when he should. Every time he refused, I reminded him that it's extending his NOT taking his herbal supplements. You see, when he's on antibiotics, I refuse to give him any of his herbals. He is soooo pissed off at me. Another argument this morning about taking the antibiotic - since yesterday was day 10. I will know if he did not take the pill when I change his pamper later on. I will inspect the trashcan and the bedding to see if he hid it there.

Lastnight, I was ruminating. I wouldn't be so exhausted if everyone just did what they're suppose to do. I mean, really, you peel a hard boiled egg. How hard is it to throw the shells into the trashcan right beside you? Why must you leave the eggshell on the ledge of the kitchen sink? I know this is passive-aggressive and I'm trying so hard not to let it get to me....but I'm failing miserably. Every time I see that eggshell sitting on the sink's ledge, my blood pressure skyrockets up. I even got mad at myself this morning. I told myself that I should have just automatically thrown the shell in the trash so that I won't keep seeing it and getting pissed off.

ABB, be careful with the home nurse and what they tell your dad. He might misinterpret (or not) what they say. My dad's regular respite worker comes once a week for an hour. Dad says she's a healer. (She's not. She just knows how to massage.) Lately, dad says that she told him that he doesn't need the catheter. I have to counteract it because he was put on the catheter because he can no longer pee on his own. It literally gets all clogged up inside. But, it's a constant argument or disagreement that he doesn't need it. I have a feeling that when he gets frustrated, he's going to insist it comes out. Not even 24 hours, he will be moaning in pain, his lower belly rock solid (filled with his clogged up urine), and demanding that the nurse come immediately to put the catheter in.... just like the last time. I'm tired... Going to take a nap....
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Joan`Sorry about the typos, I am reading a lot of info on dismissive attachment disorder. Seeing many similarities in my hubs that fits but is hard to say for sure as many men to not take a woman's feelings or their goals seriously. However, my dd sent a video of Ethan laughing for the first time, I emailed it to my hubs so he could forward it to his father. He never did it so I sent it to my sil asking her to send it to her dad (my fil , as I don't have his email).My hubs dismisses what I think most people (family members) would enjoy being included in the sharing of info etc regarding children or others.Just an observation that seems to fit with DAD...LOL!! ironic it spells dad!!
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These are the traits my hubs displays:

He tunes me out whenever I talk about work, something that needs attention within our home, or if I am feeling sad or overwhelmed with my mom issues.

If we go somewhere local and I hold his hand, he will disengage in a short time as though he is embarrassed for someone he knows to see him being intimate with me. If we go out of town, he has no problem holding my hand in public.

He does give full info on a subject he does not want to discuss, leaving things very confusing for me to figure out what he is saying.

He bails when he is needed for emotional support especially if it involves children or if we try to give him emotional support, he shuts down and will hide in the bedroom. Basically if it is a situation he can't deal with, he will shut down and not be available for support.
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Shary -you may have to accept his behavior if he is like my late hub his behavior worked for him -one time I told him to was going alone to see my brother and he said why I said because of your behavior -he said I will be good this time-I told him it was too late.
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Emjo, when you mention temperatures, do you typically use Celsius or Fahrenheit system? I got the feeling you were using Celsius, but not entirely sure. :-)

CM and Emjo, about my father maybe being depressed, or feeling poorly -- I talk to him extensively about these things. I try very hard to get to the bottom of what is driving his behavior because then I might have a shot at helping him modify it. I don't see that my father is in any way depressed... or that he is aware and saddened by his decline. He lives in the moment and if he has a warm bed and something to entertain him and ANY kind of food handy, well then he just doesn't care to do anything else... like take medications, do PT, look after himself, bathe, clean his catheter or g-tube (he knows how but has no interest and won't do it). I've learned this is his personality. In a way, it makes a lot of sense to me. What other type of man completely abandons his children and shows no interest in them... even still...? He has a simple mind. And his simple mind does not understand, or doesn't care to understand, his responsibilities to himself or to others. It is what it is. It's hard not to be really angry with him sometimes.

Book, I understand about your dad continuing to want to be without the catheter... BELIEVING that he can be without a catheter. That issue is really what got my father so sick. And it's only me and my dad here, but my father is like a small child with me having to check on him and follow behind him to see what he's getting into, what messes he's making, open things for him, close things behind him, set his watch after he messed it up somehow, find his radio station he wants to listen to... actually him being in bed a lot now might be a blessing in disguise. He squirts condiments all over the kitchen countertop every single day. He blows things up in the microwave every single day. He leaves a trail of dirty paper and crumbs... I've learned to relax and just clean it and move on... I've tried showing him the messes and seeing if I can make him more aware (he says he wants to clean up after himself but he doesn't see anything left, any mess).

I could rant for DAYS. That is why sometimes I need a break from posting, I think. I took some time while he was away to give myself a break from thinking about him and this situation NON STOP. It IS exhausting, book. It's draining in a way that I don't completely understand but it saps me and frustrates me so much.

Rant over for now. Ha!

Sharyn, sweetie, I am sorry you're having some unhappiness with the hubs. I hope you guys can move things in a positive direction. Luvs ya. I'm sure your grands are getting big and very cuddly.

Thinking of all of you. Hope it's a great weekend for you. (((((Big Hugs)))))
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Ill read when things are calm here....

*****Well once again Im here to vent, annoy you, repeat myself and situations. Im just needing to calm down and breathe. It started at 6am when I needed to get more checks for grandpas check book dad n him are fighting so I had to go back and get them. ( My fault I forgot them) So he wants all this money out from this certain account but my dad said no it might overdraft grandpa yelling at me its my fault Im not keeping track of bills properly( i am- he changes constantly and wants it written several places). When we tell him something even if we are right- we are still wrong. And yes he has always been this way illness made it worse. So then my son got attitude.. calling us Bast$%^ , then violent and off with the sharp scissors ( i got them) stabbing his door..again... screaming throwing things.. wishing us dead wanting to kill us...well over an hour and half off and on. Mainly on. Hes at the second calm.

This is what people dont get in my family or friends...neighbors... I CANT be at grandpas 24hrs a day. I cant even run down half the time because of my own issues with my kids. He nor do they get this. If I cant work I can hire someone to care for son from the second I leave till I get back and grandpa can hire his help. But everyone still sees it as I should continue to be with grandpa 24hrs a day ( well aunt and sis claims no) my kids alone esp my son has drained some years of my life as is my grandpa and my own health. My exes drained some too. Well, hey my son will be happy once I die soon because I know my health is going down hill.

And here goes my son again... Grandpa will be calling soon because the girl leaves 1 1/2 early and then hes lonely etc etc. Then I cant go cuz I have things to do and son is on a rampage again and grandpa will tell me how no other family acts like mine, how their kids give them no trouble. How ... how how how!!!!
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oops meant if I can work I can hire someone
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Me1000 all I can do is give you a hug. do you think it is time to get your son into some supervised school setting. He is getting bigger and much more dangerous. Is he taking his medications? Either contact his Dr or the school councller. he rally will kill you if you keep him at home, it has happened many times before. At least do it for your daughter. As for grandpa no advice for you there. you are stuck as long as you are financially dependent on him.
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Thank you and he is in school all day and pretty much holds it in there. Well he is only taking the nighttime Clonidine and he needs the other two but he wont. I am scared how he will be in the future. I know I am stuck..grandpa wants me to work but again this morning his "help left early" he called me to shoot the breeze I havent even been gone5 hrs!!! My son is wild violent rampage again because we wont buy and give him a ride on toy this second. I said maybe Christmas and he is blowing! :/ This is why grandpa needs to hire someone he told me just to leave my son like this and visit him. Umm leave a violent child home with sibling and alone? Uh no! I wont even leave him alone when hes not mad cuzs hes too young!
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Alison,

Your father sounds really as if possibly his weakened condition could be affecting his ability to make sense of everyday care for himself. You do sound as if you are having a good attitude about it, too. It makes no sense to get oneself worked up about details in this.

Definitely, when I say details it does not include things such as your dads catheter being changed, or cleaned, nor the feeding tube. Obviously, these are big deals where your dad is concerned. But try to take it slow in terms of his level of
getting back his strength.

I am very happy to hear that you are accepting and putting all necessary help in place also. As you've stated.....his level of care has increased, and you are going to need all the help you can get.

You are in my thoughts!

Hugs,
Much Love & Light! Margeaux
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Emjo,

Yes, you are right! I'm just not going to go out of my way to do any extra Christmas giving to people I barely know. That brother in particular......his sons and one daughter all have the entitlement attitude going on. My sister's daughter's also. Something has certainly happened with some generations, as to how they handle their adult children. Well, I'm happy to hear that your grandson got a job,
that's a start in another direction. Hopefully, this will do something for him as to how he views the entitlement issue.

How does G do that? It sounds like hard physical work.
O.K., Emjo I hope your heel is better, and you and your's are in my thoughts!

Enjoy your soup, I made some chicken broth a few days ago.
It's already gone.

Hugs,
Much Love & Light! Margeaux
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Alison- I have been thinking about you. It is very hard for you to take care of everything with your father ss you already know. Getting kn home help is great. I work with a younger woman around 38 years old. She has always lived with her parents, doesn't drive or pay rent. She is a sweetheart, goes on vacations by hrrself, takes a taxi within the city. She hes an older brother who is in a care community on Chicago..he has autism...her mother never worked, is grossly overweight and wont take care of herself. None of this is relevent in your case...but her mother is in ICU with pneumonia...she and her father are looking into home care for her when she is released...I was happy to hear yell me that today. Of course there is a lot of dysfunctional issues in her family and I can see where she is going to be saddle with the care of her parents....especially her father in the end. You are very wise....keep working toward tout own life. ((((Hugs)))).
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Sll typos are a result of my kindle. Tiresome having yo back space..LOL!!
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sharynmarie, I can't get my head around someone who is 38 and still living at home as well as does not drive unless the are strong reasons why. That does sound like a perfect set up for her to be saddled with the care of her mother and in the end with her father. I hope she does not sacrifice herself in all of this and think that she does not deserve her own life.

I have really been upset tonight by the numerous stories that I have read lately of caregivers who are sacrificing themselves totally for their parents and can't imagine unless the parents have a personality disorder would want their adult children to be destroying their own lives in taking care of them. That is very dysfunctional.
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Xmas- her situation breaks my heart. She is a total innocent.. Not just sexually .. In everything!! If you met her father, you would think he had some type a mental challenge/slow learning?? I have never met her mother but rumor is she is so obese she has mobility issue which causes me to wonder if diabetes, CHF, or organ failure isn't in play. My co/ worker exhibits independence by taking vacations to Chicago once a year, she visits her brother and other relatives. She also takes trains to the California coast such as H alf Moon Bay and Santa Cruz stays in a hotel for a few days by herself site seeing. I really think the family is not well informed. They live in a 2 bedroom apartment. I suspect no money had been set aside by her father for health care. She told me today she will speak with a social worker at the hospital tomorrow about getting help when her mom comes home. I am friends with her on fb so I posted about the importance of getting a POA, DPOA or MPOA. I have another story to share about a co worker of my sister's... Tomorrow I will post it.
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Sorry auto correct changed cmag to Xmas
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wow, sharynmarie, that is heartbreaking!
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Oops.

Sorry to butt in. I have just had a 'not my finest hour' encounter with my BP SIL - retired dietitian with whom I have had one or two run-ins before. This is *my* version: mother has been to stay with her and eldest POA brother for a few days. She and younger brother brought mother back today. There are various things that are somewhat galling - the new 'superior' walker that won't fit in our house, the fact that mother is dying to go to the bathroom and has just been marched about sixty yards over rough ground to get to the front door, so she's in pain and exhausted as well as panicking about getting to the loo, she is wearing peculiar undergarments that are not what I packed for her, and strange polyester pants that are not anything I would allow to darken her wardrobe door… but all of this I let pass and just take mother to the bathroom, bright and breezy does it, yes? La di da, never mind, she'll be gone in a minute.

Well. So SIL and brother are anxious to get going, but before they set off she's determined to prove me wrong (except I'm not) about the walker, which she nearly gets wedged in a doorway and she thinks mother could handle this? - and follows this up with the triumphant claim that mother has been walking around a lot. I point out that mother is knackered and in pain. SIL counters "well that's all right!"

Even then, I don't get angry. I say with firm but not angry emphasis that it is most certainly not all right. At which point SIL says to me "don't tell me what's best - we've looked after your mother for a week now."

A whole week, eh? Now then. My darling late Daddy taught me many valuable things, but unfortunately he did also pass on one less desirable gift: the red mist. But I didn't hit her. I put my hand behind my back and said "get out." I then followed that up, since she saw fit to argue, with "get out or I will hit you." She left the house.

I should point out that I have never hit anyone in anger. I did once bite my ex-husband, but the circumstances were extreme and unique. I have never punched, slapped or assaulted anyone.

Now then. I am confident that my fellow caregivers will completely understand that someone claiming as a virtue that they have, literally, less than 100th of the experience of caregiving that we have is not going to go down well. But I am conscious that I have made a pig's breakfast of this situation and I would like to know what I ought to have done. And what should I do now? My mother likes my brother and will want to hear from him again, ever.
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CM, I am dealing with a similar struggle this morning. Things are changing up around here and TS's are going to have more to do with Mom's care. TS#1 the therapist that spends maybe three hours with Mom every couple of weeks, has never spent a night, wants to take Mom to the doc in January. So, this will go through my mind over and over every day between now and then. I plan on prepping the doc as I am sure TS will want Mom on antidepressants, which she is doing quite well without. TS will also want to talk about placement, been there done that. And will obviously tell the doc how confused Mom is and would be better off somewhere else. I plan on giving the doc heads up and hopefully she will just say to TS, unless there is a problem, we do not mess around with meds, etc. Dreading it already!

And this TS is the one that asked if mom had a formal and her hubby a tux for the day care prom. Probably also wondered what hotel or other venue it was at. TS is the counselor, and has absolutely no clue whatsoever. She is planning on going to the day care Christmas party, I'm sure that she thinks that will be a blast. Each year I have gone, I have had tears in my eyes for a bit, anyway, because it is so sad, all those people that have no idea what is going on.

Hey, maybe the xmas party will push TS over the edge and she will have all she can take and cancel going to the doc.
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I will post more, but have to respond to cm - you did the right thing. I am mad for you many 1000s of miles away. They looked after her a week and so the know???????????????????? At least she did not come back with bruises this time. Sil is not only BP, she is very ignorant. Good Lord!!! Yes, let go of the polyester pants and so on, but not the walker, which sounds like it will end up as an albatross around your mother's neck, and definitely not a comment/attitude like that.

What should you have done? In my view, what you did. What should you do?Nothing! Whatever is between your mother and your brother is not your problem. If he allows this to stop him seeing your mother it is his bad choice, and not your fault. Don't take that on your shoulders. He is a big boy.

Oh my goodness, cm. I think you were very restrained. Well done.
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now glad - doing this backwards today.. I guess the sibs thing has really set me off. They keep their distance except when it benefits them, try to make changes without knowing what is going on, undermine the person who is doing the work and accuse them of trying to benefit financially. Think that pretty well covers it.

glad, I am sorry - there seem to be no end to it. By all means talk to the doc. I hope she listens to you. As for the Christmas party, formals and tuxes - what alternate world is she living in?????

We can always hope that something will push them (further) over the edge.

Why this sudden interest? I suppose that they don't want to pay you and would rather pay more for a facility. Charming! NOT.
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Hi all been very busy as im doing a course and popping in on mum everyday so just drained! Yes dreading the xmas crap! sister coming on the 24th as usual (selfish cow) comes and expects all to be done? well this year im stepping back and not going near the house until theyve gone back!! Will spend it alone in my friends house yippee cant wait! Got my cat a plaything and a huge box of chocs for me!
I havnt time to read all comments but i hope and pray youre all doing well and have enough drink and drugs for the holidays and the dysfunctional season!!

Mums house is a mess my god clutter everywhere but i have to just stand back and watch my brother cope!!! yes hes doing nothing different than before and either he has a bad sense of smell but cant see how bad mums house has become?? The crap will hit the fan at xmas and ill be here with no stress laughing my socks off!

Hugs to all just popping in on this site to say hi! Praying for a better 2015 and some peace!

Dads gone one year now and its hard i think im only starting to grieve for him now its such a sad time of year when youve lost someone. My aunt dads sister will not make it for xmas as shes had cancer now for over 5yrs so we are just waiting to hear its awful.
So yes a very depressing time for me but am very positive about new year and hope siblings will wake up to mums care??

Hugs to all am thinking of you all and on a lighter note Sharynmarie twin boys born next door last week CUTE is not the word!! This is her SECOND set of twins WOW! Good luck with that!!!!
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Ahh, Emjo! They could always dust the floors with the formals! Alternate world, plane, whatever you want to call it. Completely in denial, STILL, and enjoying every moment of it. Maybe the Christmas party will wake her up, have no idea. But, after all, it is a party, so count her in! She is a malicious narcissist, looked that up, to a tee! So much crap to deal with I wish it was mid-January and this holiday nonsense were over. BAHHUMBUG!
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CountryMouse...

BRAVO!!! CLAP CLAP CLAP! Well done ;)
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CM- excellent!!! You did very well.
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Glad- what a fiasco you and your mother have to go through. Just hold on those stockings and laugh.
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