
Many of us, myself included, come from a dysfunctional family which adds a lot of weight to the challenges of caregiving. I have read stores on various threads on other topics and decided it would be good to have a thread just for this topic for people to share, vent and discuss.
The idea for this thread originated on the thread named "The Caregiver....How are YOU doing today?"
I pretty much slept the entire month and a half, or just generally took it really easy, while my father was hospitalized. Gosh, it was delicious. ;-) Now we start again. I don't see a way to change my voluntary servitude until he stabilizes, or, severely declines. Right now, stuck in the middle of a slow waiting period. Waiting for something to happen.
Thanks for letting me make this post all about me for right now. I really feel like I'm on such a roller coaster with my dad... and that's with me not even taking the indulgence of acknowledging any resentments or feelings of unfairness. I don't have the luxury of thinking about any of that right now, I don't think. 🌺
Love to all of you. Hope you're doing good. (((((Big Hugs)))))
Austin, know as I get older I just can't deal with people who are troublemakers. I cut them off.
guestshop - I lost a child too, at age 23, and have given donations in his name. It is a good idea and does put things in perspective,
Sharyn some typos in your third paragraph so I didn't get some if it, but glad you got the emailvideo of Ethan sent. Yeah, the childhood stuff shows through.
Walked for a hour in the house a few more times and my heel is sore today so having a rest. The hardwood floors are hard -- I may need to wear better shoes. My pork hock bone broth is awesome. It made a really good gel and I have made a sort of Chinese soup out of it - garlic, onions, ginger, boy choy and spices. I may shop tomorrow and get some ground pork. Little pork meatballs in it would be great.
G is off dealing with the herd reduction and it is very hard in him, and oldest grandson will leave in January to stay with his dad. It hasn't been easy for my daughter, but under her insistence he did get a proper job so she can feel good about that. He will be 26 in a few days and needs to stand on his own feet, but, unfortunately his dad will, again, look after him. He has a sense of entitlement which is a real disadvantage in life. Prayers for G and g'son S if anyone is inclined.
Warmed up here to nearly the teens which is great and better forecast for next week.
Take care everyone and do something good for you.
Lastnight, I was ruminating. I wouldn't be so exhausted if everyone just did what they're suppose to do. I mean, really, you peel a hard boiled egg. How hard is it to throw the shells into the trashcan right beside you? Why must you leave the eggshell on the ledge of the kitchen sink? I know this is passive-aggressive and I'm trying so hard not to let it get to me....but I'm failing miserably. Every time I see that eggshell sitting on the sink's ledge, my blood pressure skyrockets up. I even got mad at myself this morning. I told myself that I should have just automatically thrown the shell in the trash so that I won't keep seeing it and getting pissed off.
ABB, be careful with the home nurse and what they tell your dad. He might misinterpret (or not) what they say. My dad's regular respite worker comes once a week for an hour. Dad says she's a healer. (She's not. She just knows how to massage.) Lately, dad says that she told him that he doesn't need the catheter. I have to counteract it because he was put on the catheter because he can no longer pee on his own. It literally gets all clogged up inside. But, it's a constant argument or disagreement that he doesn't need it. I have a feeling that when he gets frustrated, he's going to insist it comes out. Not even 24 hours, he will be moaning in pain, his lower belly rock solid (filled with his clogged up urine), and demanding that the nurse come immediately to put the catheter in.... just like the last time. I'm tired... Going to take a nap....
He tunes me out whenever I talk about work, something that needs attention within our home, or if I am feeling sad or overwhelmed with my mom issues.
If we go somewhere local and I hold his hand, he will disengage in a short time as though he is embarrassed for someone he knows to see him being intimate with me. If we go out of town, he has no problem holding my hand in public.
He does give full info on a subject he does not want to discuss, leaving things very confusing for me to figure out what he is saying.
He bails when he is needed for emotional support especially if it involves children or if we try to give him emotional support, he shuts down and will hide in the bedroom. Basically if it is a situation he can't deal with, he will shut down and not be available for support.
CM and Emjo, about my father maybe being depressed, or feeling poorly -- I talk to him extensively about these things. I try very hard to get to the bottom of what is driving his behavior because then I might have a shot at helping him modify it. I don't see that my father is in any way depressed... or that he is aware and saddened by his decline. He lives in the moment and if he has a warm bed and something to entertain him and ANY kind of food handy, well then he just doesn't care to do anything else... like take medications, do PT, look after himself, bathe, clean his catheter or g-tube (he knows how but has no interest and won't do it). I've learned this is his personality. In a way, it makes a lot of sense to me. What other type of man completely abandons his children and shows no interest in them... even still...? He has a simple mind. And his simple mind does not understand, or doesn't care to understand, his responsibilities to himself or to others. It is what it is. It's hard not to be really angry with him sometimes.
Book, I understand about your dad continuing to want to be without the catheter... BELIEVING that he can be without a catheter. That issue is really what got my father so sick. And it's only me and my dad here, but my father is like a small child with me having to check on him and follow behind him to see what he's getting into, what messes he's making, open things for him, close things behind him, set his watch after he messed it up somehow, find his radio station he wants to listen to... actually him being in bed a lot now might be a blessing in disguise. He squirts condiments all over the kitchen countertop every single day. He blows things up in the microwave every single day. He leaves a trail of dirty paper and crumbs... I've learned to relax and just clean it and move on... I've tried showing him the messes and seeing if I can make him more aware (he says he wants to clean up after himself but he doesn't see anything left, any mess).
I could rant for DAYS. That is why sometimes I need a break from posting, I think. I took some time while he was away to give myself a break from thinking about him and this situation NON STOP. It IS exhausting, book. It's draining in a way that I don't completely understand but it saps me and frustrates me so much.
Rant over for now. Ha!
Sharyn, sweetie, I am sorry you're having some unhappiness with the hubs. I hope you guys can move things in a positive direction. Luvs ya. I'm sure your grands are getting big and very cuddly.
Thinking of all of you. Hope it's a great weekend for you. (((((Big Hugs)))))
*****Well once again Im here to vent, annoy you, repeat myself and situations. Im just needing to calm down and breathe. It started at 6am when I needed to get more checks for grandpas check book dad n him are fighting so I had to go back and get them. ( My fault I forgot them) So he wants all this money out from this certain account but my dad said no it might overdraft grandpa yelling at me its my fault Im not keeping track of bills properly( i am- he changes constantly and wants it written several places). When we tell him something even if we are right- we are still wrong. And yes he has always been this way illness made it worse. So then my son got attitude.. calling us Bast$%^ , then violent and off with the sharp scissors ( i got them) stabbing his door..again... screaming throwing things.. wishing us dead wanting to kill us...well over an hour and half off and on. Mainly on. Hes at the second calm.
This is what people dont get in my family or friends...neighbors... I CANT be at grandpas 24hrs a day. I cant even run down half the time because of my own issues with my kids. He nor do they get this. If I cant work I can hire someone to care for son from the second I leave till I get back and grandpa can hire his help. But everyone still sees it as I should continue to be with grandpa 24hrs a day ( well aunt and sis claims no) my kids alone esp my son has drained some years of my life as is my grandpa and my own health. My exes drained some too. Well, hey my son will be happy once I die soon because I know my health is going down hill.
And here goes my son again... Grandpa will be calling soon because the girl leaves 1 1/2 early and then hes lonely etc etc. Then I cant go cuz I have things to do and son is on a rampage again and grandpa will tell me how no other family acts like mine, how their kids give them no trouble. How ... how how how!!!!
Your father sounds really as if possibly his weakened condition could be affecting his ability to make sense of everyday care for himself. You do sound as if you are having a good attitude about it, too. It makes no sense to get oneself worked up about details in this.
Definitely, when I say details it does not include things such as your dads catheter being changed, or cleaned, nor the feeding tube. Obviously, these are big deals where your dad is concerned. But try to take it slow in terms of his level of
getting back his strength.
I am very happy to hear that you are accepting and putting all necessary help in place also. As you've stated.....his level of care has increased, and you are going to need all the help you can get.
You are in my thoughts!
Hugs,
Much Love & Light! Margeaux
Yes, you are right! I'm just not going to go out of my way to do any extra Christmas giving to people I barely know. That brother in particular......his sons and one daughter all have the entitlement attitude going on. My sister's daughter's also. Something has certainly happened with some generations, as to how they handle their adult children. Well, I'm happy to hear that your grandson got a job,
that's a start in another direction. Hopefully, this will do something for him as to how he views the entitlement issue.
How does G do that? It sounds like hard physical work.
O.K., Emjo I hope your heel is better, and you and your's are in my thoughts!
Enjoy your soup, I made some chicken broth a few days ago.
It's already gone.
Hugs,
Much Love & Light! Margeaux
I have really been upset tonight by the numerous stories that I have read lately of caregivers who are sacrificing themselves totally for their parents and can't imagine unless the parents have a personality disorder would want their adult children to be destroying their own lives in taking care of them. That is very dysfunctional.
Sorry to butt in. I have just had a 'not my finest hour' encounter with my BP SIL - retired dietitian with whom I have had one or two run-ins before. This is *my* version: mother has been to stay with her and eldest POA brother for a few days. She and younger brother brought mother back today. There are various things that are somewhat galling - the new 'superior' walker that won't fit in our house, the fact that mother is dying to go to the bathroom and has just been marched about sixty yards over rough ground to get to the front door, so she's in pain and exhausted as well as panicking about getting to the loo, she is wearing peculiar undergarments that are not what I packed for her, and strange polyester pants that are not anything I would allow to darken her wardrobe door… but all of this I let pass and just take mother to the bathroom, bright and breezy does it, yes? La di da, never mind, she'll be gone in a minute.
Well. So SIL and brother are anxious to get going, but before they set off she's determined to prove me wrong (except I'm not) about the walker, which she nearly gets wedged in a doorway and she thinks mother could handle this? - and follows this up with the triumphant claim that mother has been walking around a lot. I point out that mother is knackered and in pain. SIL counters "well that's all right!"
Even then, I don't get angry. I say with firm but not angry emphasis that it is most certainly not all right. At which point SIL says to me "don't tell me what's best - we've looked after your mother for a week now."
A whole week, eh? Now then. My darling late Daddy taught me many valuable things, but unfortunately he did also pass on one less desirable gift: the red mist. But I didn't hit her. I put my hand behind my back and said "get out." I then followed that up, since she saw fit to argue, with "get out or I will hit you." She left the house.
I should point out that I have never hit anyone in anger. I did once bite my ex-husband, but the circumstances were extreme and unique. I have never punched, slapped or assaulted anyone.
Now then. I am confident that my fellow caregivers will completely understand that someone claiming as a virtue that they have, literally, less than 100th of the experience of caregiving that we have is not going to go down well. But I am conscious that I have made a pig's breakfast of this situation and I would like to know what I ought to have done. And what should I do now? My mother likes my brother and will want to hear from him again, ever.
And this TS is the one that asked if mom had a formal and her hubby a tux for the day care prom. Probably also wondered what hotel or other venue it was at. TS is the counselor, and has absolutely no clue whatsoever. She is planning on going to the day care Christmas party, I'm sure that she thinks that will be a blast. Each year I have gone, I have had tears in my eyes for a bit, anyway, because it is so sad, all those people that have no idea what is going on.
Hey, maybe the xmas party will push TS over the edge and she will have all she can take and cancel going to the doc.
What should you have done? In my view, what you did. What should you do?Nothing! Whatever is between your mother and your brother is not your problem. If he allows this to stop him seeing your mother it is his bad choice, and not your fault. Don't take that on your shoulders. He is a big boy.
Oh my goodness, cm. I think you were very restrained. Well done.
glad, I am sorry - there seem to be no end to it. By all means talk to the doc. I hope she listens to you. As for the Christmas party, formals and tuxes - what alternate world is she living in?????
We can always hope that something will push them (further) over the edge.
Why this sudden interest? I suppose that they don't want to pay you and would rather pay more for a facility. Charming! NOT.
I havnt time to read all comments but i hope and pray youre all doing well and have enough drink and drugs for the holidays and the dysfunctional season!!
Mums house is a mess my god clutter everywhere but i have to just stand back and watch my brother cope!!! yes hes doing nothing different than before and either he has a bad sense of smell but cant see how bad mums house has become?? The crap will hit the fan at xmas and ill be here with no stress laughing my socks off!
Hugs to all just popping in on this site to say hi! Praying for a better 2015 and some peace!
Dads gone one year now and its hard i think im only starting to grieve for him now its such a sad time of year when youve lost someone. My aunt dads sister will not make it for xmas as shes had cancer now for over 5yrs so we are just waiting to hear its awful.
So yes a very depressing time for me but am very positive about new year and hope siblings will wake up to mums care??
Hugs to all am thinking of you all and on a lighter note Sharynmarie twin boys born next door last week CUTE is not the word!! This is her SECOND set of twins WOW! Good luck with that!!!!
BRAVO!!! CLAP CLAP CLAP! Well done ;)