The Caregiver & Dysfunctional Families: How are you doing?

Well done CM. I think I would have quietly said "Would you care to leave now or shall I fetch the broom?" After that i would pack up the poly pants and strange knickers and mail them back (without washing them of course) Include a note "Merry Christmas. I believe these are yours" Now get yourself a tumbler of gin and have a good laugh.

Thank you all for being so supportive! If there is a silver lining, I had to call my sister because I'd told her I'd ring when mother was safely home so she got the whole story. All she said was, "I don't think I've ever heard you say 'f***' before!" Well I'm sorry to say that that just goes to show how little normal conversation we've had over the years, but it made a refreshing change to see her as an ally. Wonders will never cease.

My SIL is either a moron or extremely nuts at the moment or both. It will take me a fortnight to get mother back on an even keel. She is utterly drained, grey in the face, unable to get off the toilet unaided, and then I discovered the tube of prescribed steroid and anti fungal ointment at the bottom of a suitcase - prescribed last Thursday, when she was examined by a doctor because there were sore patches under her breasts.

Yes. Well that's what happens when you put a bra on on Monday morning and nobody helps you undress or wash until Thursday, isn't it. And how could SIL and brother take mother to the doctor because of this and not even think to call and ask if there was any relevant history? Or let me know that she'd been given a prescription for it?

Sister emailed me later because brother had emailed her some notes. He reported that one hearing aid was broken and needed replacing; it isn't broken, but 'somebody' hadn't taken the cover off the new battery so of course it wasn't working. And that they'd got her new bras (nylon) and new trousers because hers were too tight. They're not too tight. Mother needs help to dress. Unless she's to go around looking like a bag lady in clothes she can manage completely unaided.

I wish I had hit her now.

Kazza~Good to hear from you! Happy you are taking a class, doing something for you. Let your brother and sister deal with the mess they created.Wow!! your neighbor has 2 sets of twins....my daughter does not want to have anymore as she is afraid of having twins again, LOL!! Cute is not enough to describe them. Take care and keep in touch. (((Hugs)))!!

Veronica, LOL! It xmas not halloween!

CM, my ts#1 took my mom shopping for bras probably four years ago, before this care business began. Bought an 80+ year old woman underwires?! What the heck was she thinking? If I had been involved when that purchase was made, ts would have taken them back for something more practical. What was she thinking? Mom needs to be perky?

CM, you have very great restraints. I was getting mad as I read your post. Hate it when 'temporary' caregivers or 'never were' caregivers think that they know better than us.

Glad, I was being suspicious too about TS wanting to take your mom to the doctor. If they cannot do it by court, then by the doctor's recommendation.

Dad used to insist that mom wear bras when she went 'out'. I never could understand why. We had to pick up her sagging breast to put it inside the bra's cups. And when we came home and changed her clothes back to house-wear, her breasts are back to its original position -due to gravity.

Gravity is a b##ch! LOL!

Glad- LOL!!

We are preparing for a huge storm coming in sometime tomorrow expecting 4 inches of rain between Wednesday through Friday. Not looking forward to driving home from work Thursday as they are saying rain will be very heavy at times. It is very foggy now and meeting my sis in Stockton at 10 am... Hoping it lifts some by then.

Have a good day, invest in some underwire support, it fools gravity a bit.

My girls get cold if not restrained!

It's been a little sad to see my boobies have the droopies, but heck, I was known to have "perfect breasts" for 4 decades so what the heck. I recall what the poet Maya Angelou once said, "It seems like my breasts are having a contest: which one can reach my waist first."

Mine tied at the finish line and are headed for knee warmers

hahaha - what a convo to wake up to. I woke early and went back to sleep this morning.

It's called Cooper's droop. The ligaments get slack from pregnancies, age etc. Fortunately, we have good ligaments in our family. Book, G is the opposite. I actually went braless to my mothers 100th. I hadn't checked if the bra worked with the dress, and it showed, so at his suggestion I ditched it, and zipped my jacket up to a discrete level. There was so much tension around at that event, it gave me a quiet inner chuckle. Mother and sis would have been shocked!!! Might as well live up to my reputation.

glad - she needed underwires to go with her formals...

cm - it s an ill wind that blows no good, Unfortunately your mum is the one who got the short end of the proverbial stick - again, How could they, indeed? I too wish you had hit her. Your comment about the bag lady is apt. When shopping for mother I had to find slacks that were easy for her (she has a stiff/sore shoulder) and expandable at the waist. She and I have unproportionally slim hips, but not waists (V shape) and are somewhat tubular (though mother is huge busted - bras are another thing), so finding slacks that fit the hips and don't look baggy and also fit the waist can be problematic. She was buying herself $240 dry-cleanable slacks and having them altered. I bought her elasticized waist slinkies at a fraction of that price and she likes them. Whew!

Alison - the temps are in Fahrenheit. Today is 19 F going up to 28F!!! That is miraculous this time of year. We have 2-3 feet of snow now till March. It very rarely gets above freezing in the winters here. That's why I want to move south where there is only 4 months of winter not 5 and it doesn't get to 40 below, only minus 35 once in a while. Here minus 35 is normal for deep winter.

Sharyn - take care on the roads

kazzaa - great to hear from you. You have been on my mind. Sounds like you are looking after you. Classes should be fun. Enjoy Christmas without all the stress. Glad your kitty has adjusted.

Me - you have it right - g'pa is an ornery old guy used to getting his own way regardless, your kids need you much more than he does, and a job would help you. Doesn't matter what your neighbours or the others say - they do not understand and they are not in charge of your life. You are.

The stats show that about 40% of caregiver die before their care receivers. I haven't found any stats about what chronic health problems the remaining 60% have. Bobbie on the Go thread has been suffering from illness and she finished caregiving 4 years ago. I think I will outlive mother, but I now have a gut problem that flares up with caregiving stress, many I have read of here have developed health problems or have had existing health problems worsen while caregiving, some have gained weight which is unhealthy. My suspicion is that the health of many of the ones who survive has been negatively affected by caregiving.

Dental appointments this afternoon - cleaning and see if the bone graft took enough. Keep your fingers crossed for me. Need to brush my car off. It looks like a marshmallow.

Have a good day everyone and look after you.

Emjo & everyone...hello. just wanted to say I had some health issues that worsened after a year of caregiving my aunt & uncle in their 80's and both with AZ/dementia. I left week of Thanksgiving to visit my sons, having panic attacks all the way. I never went back. I was feeling stressed, etc for a good 2-3 months. I tried to tell my cousins I needed them to help me out with appointments, etc and that I needed more time away. They did not listen. I am still having panic attacks. Do not feel well at all. Even so...they were begging me to come back & now that they realize I will not, they are very angry. They could give s**t how I am feeling...called my therapist the other day in that state & she nearly sent an ambulance to pick me up (sons were at work). So today, I get a txt from one of them saying she wants the hair straightener back that she loaned me. Loaned??? She had given me the d**n thing!

Butterfly- I have a relative that gave me things she no longer used... Serving trays and other items. Later she wanted them back saying she loaned these items. After several years ofe giving items back, I finally started saying she never gave them to me. If you give something to someone, asking for it back is very tacky.

Surprise! :) Email from my brother demanding an apology.

[Squeals of laughter]

I wrote an email back. Then I took all the f-words out. Then I polished it up a bit and sent it. At least it was an opportunity to spell out why SIL should not be left in charge of mother. Whether or not he's able to take that on board, bearing in mind the inevitable divided loyalties, is another matter; but I've told him that while I assume the idea of her staying with them again won't arise, if it does I will oppose it as formally as necessary.

Hm. Anyone know how you go about a family "care"giver officially disbarred? In case I ever need to know?

Cm~Your sense of humor is awesome.. yet I get what you are going through. Blessing to you.

butterfly - your cousins just want to use you. That's right - they care less how you are. I am glad you are looking after yourself. She wants that item back??? I want to smack people like that.

Sharyn - same to your relative. Mother is like that. She has given me things and wanted them back. One antique brass lamp shade she had given me, she took home with her after a visit. Next time I visited her I told her I wanted it back. I got it. She fussed and fumed that she wanted me to polished it, so I did and found out later it was more valuable as it had been. I liked it better too.

cm - well done again!!!! You are in a roll!!!

I am a happy camper. The dental bone graft took!!!! Halleluiah. If it hadn't I was in for a more complicated procedure. Now I need a small filling, an extraction that I wanted them to do a year ago, and then another implant. Dare not book any of it until mother is moved. After that, a visit to the optometrist re the cataract in my right eye. I suspect it is ready for removal by now. Those are my most pressing issues and I am thankful they is not worse. My gut is improving and I am determined that will continue. Stress management is key with that.

I think Mother is the one who is owed an apology after all she had to wear unfamiliar underwear which increased her risk for incontinence. The poly slacks were not made from her prefered fabrics and increased the danger of friction burns on her knees. They were also very hot to wear and could potentially have encouraged a yeast infection in the genital area. Durable medical equipment was changed, ie a new zimmer frame (walker) was introduced causing further confusion as it was to big to fit through doors in the elder's usual residence greatly increasing the risk of falls and broken bones. This elderly lady enjoyed the time she spent with her son but his wife proved to be a thoughtless and incompetent caregiver and a danger to her mother in laws wellbeing. Further visits will need to be discouraged until this alternate family caregiver recieves appropriate training consistent with the high standard of care this lady recieves in her usual residence. CM I think this is all the evidence you will need to present to the magistrate. Disbarring should be immediate and while you are at it have her de-frocked as well!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I do not know why family in laws have to cause such problems-I am dealing with hat now and being the holidays it really hurts-I can not understand why people want to hurt others but have to accept it at this time and realize the person I am dealing with and not think about what is right and decent.

I did not ask to be one of two caregivers for my elderly parents. I am one of five living siblings. There are two sisters that live too far from home to help on a daily basis; however, both feel compelled to make many many suggestions on how mom and dad's care, money, etc., should be handled. I only became a caregiver by default because I live in the same town, care, and love my parents. My brother is in the same situation and I feel extremely blessed to have him on my side. The third sister lives in the same town, but whenever she shows up to help our parents, she asks my mom for money and unfortunately, my mom complies, so we try to keep her away. I've tried on many levels to let the two out-of-town sisters know how much time and effort goes into caring for our parents, but they will only suggest I either need to calm down, take yoga classes or seek help for my anger issues from a therapist. I can't stand either one of them and have chosen to remove them from my life as my resentment towards them runs deep. Had I continued to ask them to participate in our parent's care, I would have ended up with three times the amount of work, and nothing accomplished - they both have asked me, to my amazement, to look up local phone numbers for them when I've asked for help making phone calls to Medicare, health insurance, or medical offices. Their suggestions and excuses of why they can't help go beyond my wildest dreams, especially with today's technology. By the way, of the three sisters, one doesn't work and lives the life of luxury, one sister (the one that asks for money) is unemployed and lives in town, and the other is retired. I work a full-time job and my brother, is trying to get his start-up business off the ground working 10-12 hour days. Oh, I forgot to mention, my parents are in assisted living and have a little poodle which gives both parents a lot of comfort. My brother and I take turns walking my parent's poodle, sometimes the poor little dog doesn't get out more than once a day - please don't suggest we get rid of the dog as she brings a lot of joy to more than just my parents - the other people in the home love seeing her as well. At any rate, my out-of-town sisters are selfish and in complete denial of what's taking place with my parents. I don't know how they deal with their ignorance other than they must be attending daily yoga classes or are seeing a therapist for their anger issues. I'm just relieved knowing that my situation is not unusual, and that I'm not nuts. Misery does love company.

Joan- it was my mom who did that to me too. I got to a point where I denied she gave it to me. It wasn't gifts, it was things in her house she didn't want like a 3 tiered serving tray, Christmas themed platters, LOL!!

Kitty welcome you will find the best folks here you will ever meet-it is so great your bother is o board with you the sib who do not want to help will never get it -it is like spitting into the wind. I am sure the dog brings joy to the people at AL -my friend lives at a AL and everyone knows and loves Fred the dog but I do not even know his persons name.

Welcome Kitty! There are many here who can relate to your situation. My mom is in memory care, she also has a little poodle who now lives with me. Mom has visitation rights. This little dog is my moms life. Hang in there.

My co-workers mother has been diagnosed with stage 4 lung cancer along with pneumonia. She is on a breathing tube. Sad sad situation.

The big storm is expected to hit late tonight. Currently we are experiencing winds guests up to 20 mph which is expected to increase tonight to 60 mph. We never know how bad these storms will actually be until they arrive but the media sure plays it up to Bibical proportions.

SM, batten down the hatches! Stay safe

We are basically safe except for driving conditions can become hazardous. The Sierra Nevada Mountains can have mud slides especially in areas where fires have occurred like in Yosemite.

I texted my son but he has not responded yet... SoCal can have mudslides/ landslides and flooding too. Sacramento and further north can have flooding. It may not be as bad as the media is saying, but we need to take it seriously and be prepared... Batteries, flashlights, planning travel time.

Sharyn, Emjo...you made me laugh about people and their "lending habits"...Even though I am out of this caregiving thing I am not ready to unsubscribe. All of you have been a source of hope & inspiration to me through some difficult times. Blessings to each and every one of you.

Butterfly- I am happy it gave you a chuckle... I chuckle about too.

Long but paragraphed. Sharynmarie, CM, Glow, Kitty, Gladimhere and everyone else: Thank you for writing so steadfastly through this painful holiday season. I'd like to quickly share my Thanksgiving. I had posted that I wanted to visit my Dad, but my damaged sister and her violent adult sons would be there. You all supported my decision to visit, but to leave if it got nasty. Turns out my husband (pending heart surgery) one day before my travel said simply, "Please don't go." I was so happy to stay intact with him, guilty that I even had planned the trip (though he's always supported my emotional needs to somehow prove to my birth family that I love them). I got by that one with only minor heart pains (and I'm not the one facing heart surgery). Sis was hurt I didn't visit, but maybe hurt more by her son having just stole $1500 from her and openly gave a bl%@ jo@ to his long-time male friend she suspected he holds a suicide pact with (sis is held hostage by son’s suicide threats, she’s really living in an abusive situation). But that's my poor sister's Thanksgiving story.

Yesterday my husband met with the University of Michigan TAVR surgeons to be considered for transcatheter aortal valve replacement along with stents perhaps instead of bypasses for his multiple 80% artery blockages. Been researching like mad, and U-M has been wonderful answering questions (TAVR doesn't have a long medical history whereas open heart surgery for multiple heart issues does). My husband has had TIAs, and has severe lumbar stenosis at multiple levels, thyroid removed long ago, BPH, and so on. We now know his prognosis without valve/artery work will be "dismal" even within one year, and he's deteriorating quickly. So probably some form of surgery will happen soon, perhaps early January. If he is TAVR-approved, he'll get arterial stents first, then TAVR a week later. The TAVR requires a 3-surgeon team, probably why they can't do it before the holidays. Anyone have any personal experiences with TAVR vs open heart? Speaking of dysfunction, the artificial valve research-leveraging marketplace is vicious, would make a great novel or comparison to sick families. However, they are advancing medical knowledge and will hopefully give my husband more time, so I’ll shut up about that.

I wish I could comment to everyone about all they've written. CountryM re your familial jokers for relief caregivers -- You are my role model time and time again and I want to read your textbook – you ARE writing one, yes? Glow: Your spirit is crying out, your burdens are harming you. Can you reach out to anyone, even an agency or church, even if you aren't a church member? Sometimes I think churches are more than their dogma, and are people who are dedicated to healing souls whatever tool they use. I’m concerned about your despondency, I want to bring you soup and find you a perfect healing receiver for your tears, which may have gone dry on you. Whatever feelings you have, protect them like your sweetest baby, your feelings DO matter and they are your savior. Never let anyone shame you out of your feelings, they are yours and as important as the blood that nourishes your body. Look up “re-mothering,” and believe you are ok once a “re-mother” can talk to you (you can teach yourself to do it). SharynMarie, Emjo, Butterfly, Veronica, and all Dysfunction survivors I can’t write to right now but whose recent posts all point to the immature, malicious, judging, martyrish, envy, cold spite of relatives. Our underworld Christmas elves include: Plastic pant bestowers, gaslit un-givers, lampries (are they ever ugly), barb-slingers, guilt gorgers, righteous soul rippers and in the case of in-laws supporting a hurtful relative, hysterical de-hiding hyenas. Can you think of more? Just a vent, update, and thankfulness for you all.

Btw... It was meant to be a joke the this storm is of Bibical porportions .