The Caregiver & Dysfunctional Families: How are you doing?

Sorry to complain again.. I just am done .. with everything-

Daughter is refusing to get up for school again, making excuses once again. Two classes is all and its still h*ll. All she wants to do is stay on the computer and be a hermit. She refuses to do her homework as well still issues with bathing. She has no interest anymore to get a job or her license in just over a year. She will get no where in life and will be homeless as an adult.Son also refusing to get ready, only been playing for an hr instead. Wont to his H.W. either the names the violence the threats just dont stop, he will have a roof over his head-IN PRISON.

So Im pulling both kids out of their schools ( daughter wont go anyways) and letting the truant officers handle them and I go to jail and pay a fine because my kids refusing school. But again, gpa says I have no stress no reason to complain!

Granpa is no better... all is the same..I dont sleep well at night between him, my son and stress. I cant function anymore. I told him when Aunt comes.. if she ever comes Im leaving for a couple days NO ONE will be able to get a hold of me and all he said "was sleep here or other home quit wasting money, oh come on your over reacting and if its your day to work you need to be here. "Even tho my Aunt would be there cuz thats how he does it with past help. Put down after put down.. My dad is getting worse daily. Drama with sister.

Hope you all are doing better...

My Dad was always harsh and rude, said many hurtful things through the years to his children (siblings and myself)- now he is bedridden and cannot say or do much. This is a good time in my life to complete the forgiveness process. Hurting people hurt people, and my Dad must have been hurting a great deal to treat people with such disrespect. I am gaining more self resepct and self esteem and confidence serving him (age90) at this time of his life. Forgiveness is very healing- sets the forgiver Free. It still hurts when he says mean things but I cannow rise above it, smile, and take care of myself.

Me contact the school immediately and make an urgent appointment to see your childrens councillor. They can be placed under a PINs order (person in need of supervision) They will be immediately placed in residential facility and recieve the treatment they need. That will give you time and space to deal with Grandpa. What have you got to loose? Please me do it now. If son wrecks the house while you are out don't deal with it call the police. He is perfectly capable of doing you grievious bodily harm. inform his father as a formality after you have done it and the kids are secure. This is beyond your control. We can listen but we can't do it for you.

My family is dysfunction at its' best. I'm am the only girl out of 4 children and that's how I got to be the caregiver, which is fine, but it sure would be nice if my brothers showed their faces once in a while, maybe take mom out for lunch, maybe call a little more often. It all falls on me and I sure could use a break. Mom is very healthy at 90 but has zero outside activity. Friends and family are mostly gone. She looks to me for friendship and I do what I can but I have a life of my own too. I always feel so guilty when I go out without her but I can not let that stop me. There's my rant for today! Have a good day everyone!

Countrymouse,

WOW, what a story regarding you SIL! You did the right thing, and I might add that I think it was absolutely brilliant!

Much Love & Light! Margeaux

The bra stories, and other comments to that end were hilarious!

I'm a small stature woman, and remember that song by Barbara Strieisand?
There was a line that went "If your incidentals are no bigger than two lentils," o.k.
do you all get the idea? HAAH! O.K., not that small! But about a year ago......I was shopping for a new bra. So I went to a local department store. I couldn't believe it!
Just about 95% of all the bras I saw hanging off those displays, looked like they were triple size cups, and beyond. I could have worn it like a bonnett!
I was sorry I didn't have my camera with me when I realized this, as it would have made a great picture. I just may go into this store soon too, may take my camera in tow. I must say, that I did feel a bit of discrimination.

Much Love & Light! Margeaux

Kittycat,

Welcome to the thread. I really empathize with your situation.
It does appear that you have analyzed what is going on. I think a yoga class is in order for you. Please come back and share what you are going through.

Hugs,
Much Love & Light! Margeaux

Whenever someone offers me something, I now consider whether I am really going to use the item, before I take it over. I've learned this, since in many cases people are basically trying to unload THEIR junk on us.

My neighbor is constantly getting rid of things. I've come to realize that this appears to be a neurotic habit of hers. Sometimes she'll even offer me something,
as in "I'll let you use it," followed by some instruction about how she wants it back,
blah di blah......and I'm not one to ever suggest to people I want something of their's either! I've just very bluntantly taken to declining the offer.; I've noticed also that I receive a baffled reaction from her. HAAH! That's where I gauge that it's really a "she needs to unload something, and assumes I wan/need it!" IMO, I think this kind of so called "giving,' is attached with conditions, and makes the giver feel superior. I'm just not biting that bait anymore!

Much Love & Light! Margeaux

That sort of behaviour is very tedious, Margeaux, isn't it? They want to look generous but they don't actually want to give anything away. Why waste your time?

Countrymouse,

Yes, "they want to look generous," but at the bottom of it, with the people we may be dealing with, it's also their chance to exert the control games. I'm not going to say this is across the board and in all instances, but many, yes!

Much Love & Light! Margeaux

Kazaa,

It's hard to remember, especially a dad when it's been so recent.
But I'm glad you will be spending it away from the dysfunction of the family.
O.K., get a good box of chocolate and whatever else strikes up your fancy.
Good for you that you've managed to stay away from it!

Hugs,
Much Love & Light! Margeaux

50'sChild,

Aww! Your husband needed you home. I was wondering about that, when you'd posted. You are lucky he is so supportive of your emotional needs with your family, but IMHO......hubby's are numero uno, espceially when they're ill.
Possibly, this was a blessing in disguise?

I loved reading the last paragraph.....spot on 50'sChild!

Hugs,
Much Love & Light! Margeaux

Last time Im adding for my vent for a while... now after getting blamed for things I didnt or couldnt do, or couldnt control, my grandpa wants me to take the blame that I Didn't fix money for his old caretaker for a ride and Christmas bonus...I did well over a week ago and put it in the drawer where they get there prefixed money amount for that day in envelopes. My dad told him I fixed it and I did. Im really sick right now, chest pain, throwing up,shaking, and told him I couldnt go down. He got mad said I had to be there certain time to fix it and hand it I got mad and said no. Its there. He said are you coming I said I have no choice he said no you dont. I went a bit later it was there as I said! I told him its not my fault she cant open a drawer that she has done for several years to get paid!!!!! We fought badly and after he accused me of doing nothing for my family he does everything and the things HE goes through- I yelled back what about what IM going through!!! He said Im going through nothing!!!

I came home he called wants me to go down and take an ID out of wallet for someone whos gonna pick something up for him. She has also done this before and is extremely trustworthy.

Anyway he just called and told me to take the blame for not having the money ready!!! I did have it ready- Im sick and tired of being accused as is now I have to take the blame when its not my fault!!! So SHE DOESNT FEEL BAD! What about ME!!!!


Thanks Veronica, I know I got so much to figure out hugs

Me1000, don't accept the blame. You give them an inch, and then they want the whole 9 yards.. or in caregiving terms, your whole mind, body and soul as their slave or whipping post. You go down this road, it will be so much harder to dig out of... because they would have drowned out all your desire for independence and a life. Continue to do those small steps you've been doing. Don't withdraw your daughter out of school. I agree that it would be best to work with the school on on it. It will show that you are trying to help her. And you don't get in trouble for contributing the delinquency of a minor. As in all things, caregivers need to have their backs covered.

Me as well as the chest pains being sick to your stomach is also a sign of a heart attack. Can you call 911 and get to the ER. shaking is also a sign that you blood pressure is falling which also happens with a heart attack. Please take care of yourself we want to go on hearing from you. Hugs

50'sChild~I am not familiar with TAVR but will research it. Yes, your husband comes first and family that cannot accept that...well...they are just selfish. Keep us posted on what is happening.

Me~as I stated above but in your case, your children come first..if your health is failing (even temporarily) your healing comes first as you will be of no use to your children, an employer or your grandfather if you cannot be healthy.

San Francisco, the Northern Coast, and above Sacramento has been hit hard. Over 80,000 customers without PG&E (Pacific Gas & Electric) due to power outages just in the San Francisco area. Schools closed, Bart (Bay Area Rapid Transit) lost power at some locations around the Bay Area. This storm is what we call a "Pineapple Express". It is a warm storm, with high winds and lots of rain...back in 1997, in January,...this was the type of storm that started all the flooding due to the warm rain melting the snow pack. The good news is this is early, so not much snow except in very high elevations. We have had steady rain since 10 am this morning. Heavy down pours in the beginning but steady after the rain first started.

Have a good night everyone!!

If the brother/SIL debacle has already bored the pants off you you'll want to skip this post; but I'd really appreciate anyone's feedback on the email (below) that I sent him this morning (especially seeing as I'm not too likely to get any from him, ho ho). I'm trying to get him out of whatever prolonged, deepening tizzy it is he's got himself into without causing conflict between him and SIL. I dunno. I feel I've tried. I am furious with him but that seems so unhelpful and I'm trying to be constructive. It's very long. Bear with me, or skip dull chunks, whatever.

Email subject: mother.
"I recommend you read this: http://www.nhs.uk/Conditions/Polio-and-post-polio-syndrome-/Pages/Introduction.aspx

We don't know that she has this syndrome but we don't know that she hasn't. We just know that she did have polio so it does need to be borne in mind.

We don't know that her amyloidosis is significant but we don't know that it isn't. She won't be having a kidney biopsy to check, for example. If the radiologist is correct and she does have senile amyloidosis - in old-fashioned language - it could be affecting her heart, brain and kidneys. Who knows.

We do know that she has severe congestive heart failure with an ejection fraction of 10%, compared with a normal adult's of around 65%, without looking it up but it's about that.
We do know that she has Stage IV kidney disease with an estimated GFR of 21, compared with a normal adult's of over 90. End stage kidney failure kicks in at 16, to give you a point of reference - there are plenty of staging guidelines available online if you're interested.
We do know that she has osteoarthritis.
We do know that she has scoliosis.
We do know that she has vascular dementia.
We don't know for certain that she has Alzheimer's Disease and she cannot have an MRI to confirm, but the Consultant Psychiatrist at the memory clinic thinks it more likely than not.
We do know that she gets exertion angina. That is why the mononitrate was prescribed.

Therefore. Mother is not going to be capable of leading an active and independent life no matter how much exercise she takes. We are not looking for rehabilitation for her, we are aiming for a soft landing.

Respecting autonomy does not mean "you're on your own." It means "you're the boss of you." Encouraging her to carry on activities of daily living for herself is good. Insisting she does everything for herself is not. The ideal is to provide the minimum of assistance for her to care for herself and to live life in general as she would do if she were not disabled. Obviously clothes that are easy to put on are better for her to deal with, but if she likes wearing clothes that she cannot manage alone then you assist her with that. If she puts on her own knickers, great. If she puts on her own knickers but has inadvertently neglected first to remove the pair she was wearing earlier, not so great: you intervene. In other words, where she cannot maintain her own standards and her own dignity, you do it for her without drawing attention to it.

The above and much, much more draw on the advice of GPs who know her well and have access to her comprehensive medical history; her consultant geriatrician; consultant cardiologists, neurologists and stroke specialists; her consultant psychiatrist; specialist physiotherapists in a number of disciplines; occupational therapists who have observed her in her own home; community dementia nurses who observe her in her own home; nurse specialists in heart failure and in older age psychiatry; district nurses on various occasions advising on, for example, skin integrity and continence; care and dementia care professionals assessing her both in her own home and in residential settings. I have been putting this collated advice into practice not for one week but for more than one hundred weeks. I am not making it up for the fun of it, and obviously yes I do discuss it at length with - among many others - both [doctor daughter] and [psychiatrist SIL], who add to their thorough technical understanding of mother's clinical conditions a very deep affection for her. And not to brag or anything, but in only the last five years I have successfully seen her through two fractures, innumerable consultations, therapies and procedures, a couple of strokes and acute depression. Where were you?

Do not claim that I have kept information from you. On the contrary, I have sent you information before now and not even had the courtesy of an acknowledgement, let alone a reply. It is obvious, it is unmistakeable, that you have serious issues to deal with of your own, whether related or unrelated to mother. Therefore nobody blames you for keeping whatever distance you need to or is accusing you of anything, but since you choose not to disclose problems or discuss them how do you expect them to be taken into account?

From mother's point of view, which is after all the one that matters, you are always welcome but never under any obligation. I fail to see how she imposes on you at all, ever. If you want to contribute to her wellbeing all you have to do is turn up occasionally, pick up the phone, send her an email - [ex-SO] will happily print it and take it to her if you don't want it going via me - send her a post card, send her flowers, do whatever you like; but if you really can't manage any of that, it doesn't matter. Nothing awful will happen to her. Don't forget that it is deeply ingrained in mother that normal family relationships are conducted from different continents without benefit of Skype, email or indeed air travel. She does not require frequent or close contact to fulfil any emotional need. No doubt that is partly why she is such a f***-up, but you may as well take advantage of any silver linings available.

Incidentally, while I'm at it, there is a reason why you and [doctor daughter] share mother's top favourite people slots. Approval. Feeling approved of makes mother happy. I don't know if you're aware of doing that but that is what you do. I can't think of anything that is more useful to our mother at this stage in her life, so good for you.

This is intended to be helpful and I hope it is. If not, you know where the delete button is and I've just wasted half an hour."

I dunno, again. I tried to take out the anger, and the sarcasm, and any direct rebukes aimed at his wife. I'm not sure. Of course I'm not sure he'll even read it, either - but that won't be my fault. Sorry for hogging all the space.

Cm, do you feel better for having sent it? I think you should, no matter what his response is - or isn't. You gave lots of helpful information, and also helpful suggestions re-your mother. Whatever he takes away from this is up to him. Good for you for speaking your mind.

Thank you Looloo, that is really a sensible way to look at it. You're right. I didn't feel better, I just felt apprehensive about his reaction but felt it had needed saying. Now I do feel a bit better - thank you.

I went to my cardiologist yesterday and I have a 50%ejection fracture. He never said I had congestive heart failure. Oh that is just effing fantastic. Not only dealing with severe depression an anxiety bulges on my cervical and lumbar spine and I thought I was in good health I have been working out since my Twenties and restarted after a year of not. I wonder what the point is/was??

Fligirl what if you *hadn't* kept fit? You always give yourself much better odds by staying healthy. But I agree, Mother Nature is bloomin' ungrateful sometimes. Also I hope I didn't mislead anyone - the ejection fraction just measures how much blood your heart is pumping at any given time, it doesn't tell you anything about underlying causes. If your cardiologist didn't mention CHF then that almost certainly isn't the problem, so please don't worry about it. Did he have anything useful to tell you?

(((((Austin)))) I am sorry about your in laws. Holidays seems to be worse when there is dysfunction

Kitty – wonderful that you and your brother can work together. Sorry about your sisters, I have basically cut off my sister for similar things and worse. Denial seems to be common. Glad your parents are in AL and it is working out. You are not nuts at all. It gets pretty frustrating.

Sharyn – that’s funny –part of the personality disorder I think. Mother tries to give away things she doesn’t want, but feels free to ask for them back. When I moved her the first time she told me all that she didn’t take with her was mine and I could do what I liked with it. Within the year I was getting sad songs about chairs and one in particular was about me enjoying her rocking chair and she, an old person having no rocking chair. I guess it made a good story for anyone who would listen. So I sent her a photo of the rocking chair and asked if, in fact, it would fit where she wanted to put it. (I didn’t think it would). She denied it was hers, although she had sat in it for over 10 years, and told me to buy her a new one. When I am tempted to be moved by guilt now, I recall the rocking chair story and what a bad daughter I was not to do what she wanted. I suspect if I had arranged to return it to her she would have refused to accept it saying it wasn’t hers. The old no-win.
I am sorry for your co-worker – very difficult situation. Hope the storm has died down.

Butterfly you are one of the less common ones who decided to look after you. You are an inspiration too.

50schild – Your sis is in a terrible situation but only she can deal with it. I am glad you did not go. Best wishes for your husband and his health issues. Come back and vent anytime.

(((((((Me)))))) don’t be sorry – complain/vent when you need to. Can you meet with the school and figure out something for your kids? G’pa hasn’t got a clue about your kids and is manipulating you. Sounds like your health is really suffering. You do what you need to do. He enjoys jerking you around, but remember that he can only do it to the extent you allow it. Re the money for the caretaker –what would have happened if you has chosen not to go down? You do have a choice. He really enjoys these power games. Don’t accept the blame – you did nothing wrong. As Veronica says - look after your health. What you need/want has to come first sometimes.

Going to post now so I don’t lose this.

homewithdad - welcome. No fun having a hurtful parent. I am glad you can rise above it now. I find forgiveness is an ongoing thing. One description I like is “Giving up the right to hurt you for hurting me”. I am happy your self-esteem, respect and confidence are growing and you are looking after you.
Bittersweet – being left to do it all is common with posters here and also that the parent looks to the child for all their entertainment. You need a life of your own. Please let go of the guilt. You are doing nothing to feel guilty for. I am glad it doesn’t stop you. Some of us were brought up to be, basically, servants for our parent. Takes a while to let go of that role.
Margeaux - for a bra come to Fort Mc. No double anything in the lingerie shop here, and all smaller sizes, yet I see lots of bigger women around. They must go to Walmart. That neighbor of yours is a case. I am glad you are declining.
Cm – nothing you write is boring!!! First of all you don’t have to fix him. If he is in a tizzy, it is his job to get himself out of it. Not surprised you are furious with him. Sibs can be so unreasonable. I thought what you wrote was very constructive and informative. He and sil obviously need that information. Your mum’s CHF is quite severe, as is her kidney disease. I like your comment about a soft landing and also your description of autonomy. It is excellent. I really appreciate the paragraph of your mother’s point of view. You let him off the hook very nicely. All in all a job of which you can be proud. Give yourself a pat on the back
Don’t worry about his reaction. We do too much of that – determine and gauge our behaviour on the reactions of others. Obviously, I am not saying to be crass and insensitive, but to do what you think is right despite how others may respond. You have displayed courage. That is a good quality. ((((((hugs))))
Fligirl – I am so sorry. Did he give you no reason for this or any remedies? Yes, it is very good you exercised all those years. Just wondering what treatment you have for the depression and anxiety. They are not good for your heart. Spinal issues can be very painful. Do you have surgery or any other treatment ahead? The point is that you would be worse off. There must be something going on with your heart –hope your cardiologist explains it.
Not too much new here. With the break from mother’s business (some pending that I am ignoring for now) I am gaining in energy and also have had mental time and space for a little introspection. One of the worst things about being on the receiving end of the demands of a manipulative narcissist is that you have little mental time/space to work through your own stuff. I went with no meds for the gut thing last night for the first time in months and feel good this morning. I had been having symptoms and the hard part is they are similar for needing more meds or less meds. It is a trial and error process and it looks like I guessed right. Time will tell. My heel is still sore – it may not be just the walking. The other day my feet burned and burned and that is fibromyalgia – a new version for me. Great! I have to figure out something as I am not going to stop walking altogether. I’ll put on the most cushioned pair of runners I have and see how that works. Maybe gel insoles too. There is a big pot of split pea soup on the stove. I have to start another batch of bone broth. Eating well is one of the ways of taking care of you.

Have a good day everyone and look after you.

I know I should live one day at a time but... I am dreading the funeral when it comes. It could be in 2014 or in 15 or 16. My relatives have very nice clothes and cars, specially done hair. I have decent clean clothes and my car is of this century. I struggle to keep my hair nice. They have always thought they were better than me and they will probably think it at the funeral. In fact my niece will probably say something negative. She is good at the negative. When the funeral and funeral dinner happens I will think that the forum is in my corner. Anyway, today it isn't happening.

Brandywine, there's a lady called Maureen Lipman who's well known as an actor, and nowadays writer and director, over here in the UK. Very smart and funny lady. Anyway. Some bitchy tittle-tattle remarks got published in a newspaper about her, something about their "worst dressed of 1995" or whatever, criticising her clothes and styling, you know the type. The next week the paper's editor published the letter she'd sent in reply saying she'd taken their comments on board and hoped they approved - she enclosed a photograph of herself in full costume as a shopping bag lady.

As for anyone looking down on you at a funeral, of all places??? If they're that ill-mannered and narrow-minded, who cares for their opinion? Take as much trouble over your appearance as pleases you and "honi soit qui mal y pense."

It's difficult having to take care of the very person that manipulated, verbally abused you and selfishly did what was in their best interest growing up. That was my mom. Every time she hung a carrot over my head and I took it thinking it was love, she made me pay her back two-fold with my youth. I thought I had a good adult, mother-daughter relationship with her as I got older, but having to take care of her now, and still listen to her continued demands and verbal attacks on my dad, who has dementia, only reminds me that she has not changed a bit, even though she's now 81. I want to be a better mother to my daughters by constantly reminding them how much I love them. I hope I'm breaking the cycle.

Emjo, thank you. What depresses me is that I've told him about mother's conditions in every format I can think of, over the years. And even sister said she thought he didn't seem to get the picture (normally she'd be the first to tell me not to be melodramatic - something very weird is going on with her, but in a good way so I'm not complaining!). This time, to back up general notes on care, I included a print out of her latest blood test results - brother's a chemist, I thought the electrolytes and numbers and ranges might pique his interest. And this I'm not so much angry about as plain baffled: how, why, does it make *more* sense to the pair of them to ignore the information I provide? Do they a) assume I must be wrong? b) assume I'm exaggerating? c) assume it makes no difference? d) think they know better than a *blood analysis*??? Mother has a staph infection on the skin under her breasts, it isn't fungal after all. I wondered why SIL had been out to buy new bras - it's because her stance is that my poor choice of undergarment must have caused the infection. Right. The bras mother's been wearing without incident, both at home and in respite care, for well over a year have suddenly taken it into their little cotton heads to attack her, have they? Nothing to do with SIL opining that mother does not need help with washing and dressing, she can manage perfectly well on her own if you're firm with her, then? I told them she needed help - clearly they ignored me. I will put money on it that her underwear was not changed or even checked from Monday morning to Wednesday night or even Thursday. I'm so angry about this. I now have seven days, four times a day, of a strong penicillin family antibiotic to administer - not less than one hour before meals, not less than two hours after, evenly spaced over a 24 hour period in conjunction with her other prescription meds (let's not even think about interactions). And I keep my fingers crossed that this won't be the last straw for her kidneys. And hope that this isn't a resistant strain of staph. And hope that her bowel habit doesn't go completely haywire. And try not to think about how sore and unwell mother must have been feeling, and still is. If this is their idea of helping, I dread to think what would happen if they set out to be destructive.

It came up in another thread today: what do we think of Manuka honey for skin healing, anyone?

Emjo, I'm very conscious that I haven't commented on all that's been going on with you, just observing and liking. This background, day-in-day-out strain takes such a toll on you. I'm glad you're arms-lengthing the tasks more - it's always worth checking them against the "what happens if I don't do this now?" question, isn't it. Burning in your feet is fibromyalgia? Oo. I get that in bed - and now, as it happens - it isn't just normal? I have some nice Neal's Yard foot cream that Daughter 1 got me. I'd thought it had magic ingredients in it - mallow and something or other - but maybe it's more the massaging it in that helps. A good pea soup is very tempting. Unfortunately pulses tend to go through mother like a dose of salts, but I might make some to keep in the fridge for quick lunches for me - yum. Just what you need with the Shortest Day just round the corner - enjoy!

Emjo,

What crazy making....what you wrote about the rocking chair!
That's good that you are relaxing, and yes I agree that eating properly and good
is very important for healing.

This neighbor is too much! She acts real goofey at times, I'm sure the alcohol has a lot to do with it.

Enjoy your soup!
I'm starting some chicken bone broth again. I think I overdid some cleaning today,
and my body is feeling it right now.

Much Love & Light! Margeaux

Countrymouse,

That email was very good. I see nothing wrong, or sarcastic about it.
Maybe you do, because you know your brother and SIL.
I wish my sister would share what you've bothered to share with your brother.
My sister the main caregiver is the type of person who is very secretive by nature.
She's very manipulative too when it comes to mom's care, so I know she employs some kind of "ignorance method," by not telling my brothers and me details about our mom. Oh well! But you've been very transparent. Don't worry about trying to tantalize your brother with information thinking you may grab his attention, because he's a doctor, either. Now he knows......the balls in his court now. You've done way more as a sibling caregiver with respect to informing the other sibling, and that's that. Job well done.

Much Love & Light! Margeaux

My neighbor, the wine drinker is stirring it up.
I've written about her here, and yes she's the same one who conditionally tries to give things to me, later claiming she wants them back.

Anyway, for purposes of this conversation I'll refer to her as T.
She lives right next door on her property.
Then I've a male neighbor who'll refer to as R, he lives on our property in an apartment next to ours.

So about a month ago R, called my husband and me to his place since he had a friend visiting who we know, she wanted to say hello. So as we were there.....R
told me how he'd just been at T's house two nights before. He's an alcoholic,
of the funny, happy type. R said, how he'd gone over there because she invited him to have wine, and he was lending her a book. R said, he had fun, etc.,
and was amazed at how she could drink. They finished two bottles. T is 79 yrs. old
R is 65.

So I see T just about everyday, and a week went by, before she even mentioned to me about this evening of wine. Finally she told me, how he'd been there,
that they had good conversation. They've been neighbors for an incredibly long time, however they kind of don't really know one another very well. She also told me about the book he lent her, and how she was reading it, and that they were going to have wine real soon.

Well a couple of days ago, I saw her, and she asked me to come to her house.
Apparently, the night before R called her in the late afternoon. He was out shopping, and wanted to know what kind of wine she wanted to drink. T told him to buy a Pinot Grigio. So he showed up at her house w/the Pinot in tow.

She said they were sitting in her living room, but didn't say how much wine they already had, and that he was starting to talk very loudly. She also said that he kept wanting to "high five," her. This is typical behavior by R, after he's had a few drinks, I have witnessed this. He never means any harm, either when he does this, he gets rather silly.

Well, now R......asked T, whether she had any Salsa music. She said she didn't.
But then she says that he kept asking her over and over. He told her, that he wanted to dance with her. She's really not the dancer type. He is.
I guess some of this behavior was starting to wear on her nerves. According to what she said......he continued to ask her to dance, she declined saying that she doesn't dance Salsa, and her legs are bad, (true). Now she said.....R came to her as she was sitting on the couch, and tried to kiss her. She pushed him away,
and told him to take his Pinot Grigio and leave.

Now, I have never had any kind of similar experience w/R as such, nor have I ever heard of anyone else saying anything like this about him.
I didn't know what to say to her, since she drinks her share too. So I just said,
that I was sorry she had to experience that. Anyway, now she's all against R,'
previously, she couldn't find enough good things to say about him.

After I came home, it did occur to me, sure maybe he did do this, the kiss part.
But then again I'm not so sure, because sometimes I really think her perception of things is off, especially after she's had a few drinks.
Anyway, I'm staying out of it. What I feel also is, T is being kind of paranoid, but then why is she inviting the neighbor into her home to drink?

This was a rather strange situation, and I hope she doesn't think now that she's told me this, that I'm going to behave differently w/R. He is after all our neighbor.

Much Love & Light! Margeaux