notrydoyoda Posted January 2012
The Caregiver & Dysfunctional Families: How are you doing?
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My goodness you did well to get away from the Vicodin! It's a pig of a drug.
Fligirl, so sorry to hear about your pain. in our medical team there is a dept called Physiatry where they do all the things CM suggested. You may have to travel if you are in a rural area and there may be a long wait for an appointment. (Never had this problem till I had to go on Medicare) anyway they may be able to isolate the nerves causing the problem and put them out of action. They plan on doing that with my shingles pain that I have had for 4 years now. can't say I fancy having needles stuck in my spinal nerves but you gotta do what you gotta do.
I also congratulate you on getting off the vicodin BUT if you have pain as you do there is no shame in useing the medication to allow you to lead a more comfortable life. If something less adicting works for you fine but otherwise discuss your option for long term pain relief. There are plenty of long acting pain meds that you only need to take once a day and that gives you a steady level of pain relief for 24 hours. Like the Vicoden of course you shoulf not drive until you know how they will effect you and manage the constipation from day 1 with stool softeners. You will probably be sleepy when you first start so take the opportunity to rest and don't make any plans. I and many others suffer from long term pain and weakness and you just have to pace yourself and take rest breaks. None of us are getting any younger.
One day, at oldest brother's home of next door, fave sis and I were visiting. SIL told us that we should lock up mom in her bedroom. I remembered being shocked that SIL was telling us this - she - who is not our sister at all. Fave sis must have felt the same way because she got angry and started at yelling at SIL. Who was she to tell us to lock up OUR mother, etc.... Oldest bro came out, saw them yelling at each other. He didn't even ask what was going on. He automatically ordered us out of his house for disrespecting his wife. He didn't want to hear us tell him what his wife said. Out! So, out we went.
In hindsight, with all these years behind us, SIL was only repeating to us what her husband, our oldest brother, believed in. Anyway, Her Family always came first before us. Her family got a brand new car, lawn mowed, etc.... We only got crumbles. They got bro's electrician skills to fix their home. We had to call an electrician to fix our house, etc..... With my brother, his wife and her family will always come first before his family.
Do you think your brother has that same mentality as my brother? Because no matter how wrong the wife was, my brother would never admit it - because they're right and we're wrong. Period.
kitty - unlikely that she will change unless for the worst. Pauline Boss, a psychologist states that those who have been abused should not do hands on care of their abusers. That includes you and me. She recommends to be humane to your parent, but do yourself no further harm. Sometimes no contact is the only way, sometimes working to help them through others who do the hands on care can be OK. I could/would never do hands on care of my mother and do the latter. Others care for her. I manage finances/business, am the family contact for decisions (POA) and am reducing contact more and more. Please put yourself and your family first. A narcissist, like a forest fire, will consume everything in its path.
cm - Interesting. I had been pondering your situation this morning and came to the same conclusion, then came here and read book's post and now the others. It has nothing to do with logic, knowledge, your mother's welfare or anything rational. It has nothing to do with anything except pacifying his wife, who you have already described as having problems, and who will never accept the realities of your mother's health. and care.
I don't think there is anything you can do to smooth everyone's feathers and keep your mother safe. You can pray and hope for a miracle! This is when the rubber hits the road and you have to consider priorities. Mother wants to visit son. Mother does not get properly cared for at son's and gets exhausted, develops an infection etc. (the full outcome of which you have yet to see). What is the best course of action for mother???
You mention the spin offs - antibiotics, possible gut and kidney issues ensuing and more. You have to protect her from that in future, I would think. Is the pleasure of a visit worth her life? I would be sure to document all that happens and keep all concerned people informed. That your POA sis is sympathetic is the first miracle.
no prob with only reading and liking. I am coming to a point where I cannot do much more than I am right now. I have over extended myself more than once and cannot afford too keep doing it. Something in me is saying "No" loudly. I think I have to listen to that voice. Bur
Meanwhile mother pipes up at bedtime "can't one of the others come and stay so that you can have a rest?" All week she's been bewailing her own laziness, uselessness and 'being such a nuisance.' My heart sinks every time. Who's put those ideas back in her head, I wonder, undoing all my hard work trying to eradicate them? I keep telling myself I must not refer even internally to SIL as "that fat callous troll" but it's going to take me a while to stop doing it. Still angry.
POA sister was going to come over today but mother is so wiped out I rang her to postpone. She can't come on Tuesday because - get this - the dog is seeing his Dermatologist. You couldn't make it up, could you? I love the dog, by the way, he's a cutie. She'll get over here later in the week, I expect, and I trust she'll be bringing a non-itchy fox terrier with her.
I like your internal voice. It reminds me of my aunt's blithe attitude to declining suggestions she didn't care for. She'd cheerfully say "no thanks!" and in a such a good-humoured way there was no arguing with it. I remember my grandmother asking if she'd like to help with the dishes after one Sunday lunch, and she just said "not particularly" and sat tight in her comfy chair.
Nice ways of saying no. We should all be given training in it.
Margeaux - the SW has been astounded a few times by mother and she works in a geriatric psych hospital! I haven't done much and my body is feeling it. Your neighbours take the cake or the wine would be more appropriate. That is quite a story. Yes, don't get in the middle of it.
fligirl - I checked out ejection fraction - 55% and higher is normal, 50 to 55% is borderline, so that explains why he isn't worried. I am so sorry about the anxiety and the pain, as one will make the other worse. I hope your doc comes up with a successful course of treatment. ((((((((hugs))))))
veronica - sorry about your shingles pain. I have heard it can be terrible. It spurs me to get the shot. When I wrote you about FM, I failed to mention that at my worst, I would run out of energy in mid task. More than once, I left a grocery cart half full in the middle of an aisle in the store, as it would hit so suddenly. I could feel that I was reaching my limit, would walk carefully to the car, drive home and lie on the sofa in pain and exhaustion for a few hours. Pacing is a big part of the answer. The 50 % solution - do half of what you think you can and let you body use the other half of your energy to heal you.
G talked about Cabo San Lucas this winter and I have an invite for us from friends who winter in Apache Junction AZ. Would love to take in the Grand Canyon too or make it next year's trip. Sometimes his plans do not work out exactly as envisioned, but I am pretty sure we will go somewhere warm and sunny. Good enough. Once mother is in her new facility, I plan on stepping back more.
Have a good evening all, and do something good for you.
brandy I figure we have paid our dues and are entitled to be us. If others don't like it - their problem.
cm - it is bro's choice. He does need to get over himself. My middle son threw me under the bus to pacify his wife a few years ago and we had no contact for a while (3 years). I could back down to a point but... A couple of months ago we talked about family stuff and he volunteered that his wife has problems. Good for him. My secret name for dil is Bridezilla - comes from seeing an opera with mother where the hero looked like Mr. Bean, which was enough in itself to get me going. When the heroine waltzed onto the stage looking like dil, I collapsed in laughter behind the program, and had to excuse myself to the rest room. The rest of the performance was lost me as I giggled throughout it.
POA sis and her dog - cm, I hooted out loud. No, you couldn't make it up. I like your aunt! We should have training in saying no, nicely or otherwise.
Joan~`````I am su`re you are aware that low thyroid can cause burning feet too. Just a suggestion since you have mentioned a low thyroid. My sis with her diabetes, has stinging pain from neuropathy...she says it feels like someone sticking an ice pick in her feet, legs and torso.
My hubs had an appointment with the endocrinologist today. He told hubs to buy some good walking shoes and start walking and to buy some wide scotch tape to tape his mouth shut so he doesn't eat cookies, LMFBO!!!! It's about time someone told my hubs his weight was a contributing factor as well as his oreo cookie consumption, HAHA!!! Whether he will start walking, we will have to wait to see. I told him I am surprised he suggested scotch tape and not duct tape!!
Oh I love that endocrinologist! Did he actually write "Duck tape" on the px pad??? I didn't think they made practical doctors with a sense of humour any more :)
Some days I need duct tape! Mom's new nick name is Constant Chatter Jabber J! At least the majority of mornings she is a happy demented. In the morning I am the grumpy one if she is up too early which seems to be the case since this blasted time change. At least it is a bit later now, instead of 7 or 730, she has moved most of the time to 745. Still to early for me!
And I don't understand this at all. I hear her up probably fout times every night, that is not good restful sleep IMO. Last night was a first, about 915 she came out of her room asking "how did I get here". I think she may have been sleep walking.
By nature I am almost obsessively neat BUT I have managed to train myself not to notice and unless I see cat paw prints on something I assume it is not dusty. My undoing is if I happen to walk around wearing my reading glasses. if I don't get round to putting away the laundry that's OK because I have worn everything again by the end of the week so the basket is empty. I love freshly ironed clothes but have managed to cure myself of that too. I am not idle but I spend my time doing things that please me.
I have developed neuropathy in my feet from unknown cause in the last couple of years. Not painful just feel as though the skin has shrunk, also restless legs some nights. What I find helps a lot is letting my feet be cool to cold
Well. And I thought I'd heard it all…
How do you think this computes in their extremely strange minds?
Your brother is trying to relieve his own guilt by blaming you. Your Mom, I would imagine is in her late 80's or even 90's. Does she have dementia? Why did she move further away from you? When did that happen? Who was responsible for taking her to the doctor?
All the questions I have in my mind aside, she has lived a long life. And cancer in someone this old usually spreads quite slowly. Most doctors would not recommend treatment of cancer in someone this old. Does Mom have a Living Will and a DNR? There I go with questions again.
Surgery on the elderly is very risky and families should consider possible consequences of it. In my Mom's case, at the age of 80 was diagnosed with uterine cancer. She was forgetful and in the early stages of dementia then, that was almost nine years ago. The doctor performed the hysterectomy as an out patient procedure, which with the elderly at least an over night should be standard, IMHO. Well Mom survived the surgery just fine. But about a week later developed an infection that hospitalized her for two weeks. We all thought that would kill her. But she returned to her presurgery strength, but not her presurgery mind. Anesthesia can have a lasting effect on the elderly as it did on my mother. She was never the same and now we continue this long decline of Alzheimer's.
Have any options for treatment been offered to your Mom? What decision was made regarding those options? Who's decision was it? Lots of questions. Did doc warn of the risks of treatment and possible long term effects? Did the family discuss the "what if's"?
The only thing that may help your brother is knowing these things were discussed. And if they were not what the possible outcomes had been. He is frustrated and hurt, perhaps, that he was not aware there was a health issue? And if your Mom is like mine, if offered the suggestion that she go to the doc to have her symptoms checked out, she would have said " oh, I'm fine, nothing to worry about". It could be that Mom decided that she has lived a long life and she is ready to go so chose to even ignore the symptoms.
Mom's behaviors and mannerisms are not you fault, nor are they your brother's. All need to come to the realization that elders get sick and sometimes treatment is not in their best interest nor recommended. Something is going to cause them too die eventually. In your mom's case it may be this cancer, or may be something else entirely.