The Caregiver & Dysfunctional Families: How are you doing?

Marylee, with regards to your siblings accusing you, that's them placing their guilt on you. Deep down, they know that their guilty of not doing more or being there for their mother. Instead of acknowledging this guilt, they chose you as their scapegoat conscience. Do Not Accept It.

Does your siblings have a say so to forbid you at the funeral? (I've read here where some actually did that to the caregiver sibling.) If they do, just pretend to agree if it means getting you there. Once you're there, you can get up and move to the front seats. If some relative is sitting there, you can quietly tell them to please find another seat since you've been the one caregiving your Mother. Stand firm on this. Whatever you do, don't sit on a separate pew or avoid eye contacts. This will tell everyone that you did something wrong with your mother and feeling bad about it. Your brother is so full of it!

The next time your siblings accuse you of your mom's cancer, tell them that cancer is not so obvious and that your mother has a right to keep her diagnosis a secret. Did your siblings know about your mom's hospitalization? If they did, you can tell them "why weren't They Suspicious when mom was in the hospital? Don't blame me on all this. It was mom's choice and that's that."

When my mom passed away last year, my aunty tried to take over. My older sister from the states fought against it. Everyone decided - without my input - that I will go to the funeral home, and then ride in the hearse with mom's coffin. I was appalled about this. I was traumatized as a child when Nana died. They took us all to the morgue's waiting room and they set up Nana. Then we were all required to kiss Nana goodbye. Nana was cold. Since then, I've avoided the hospital as much as possible. I have this phobia about dead bodies. I go to Viewings but I Don't go to the coffin to look at the deceased person. Not even my own mother's body -was I willing to ride in the same car with her. I don't care if it's an "honor" to ride with the coffin. No Way. I was very very firm. And they all were very very firm that I ride in it. They told me this at the church after mom's Mass of Intention. They just wouldn't take No from me. I finally lost my temper and snapped in a loud angry voice, "I said NO!!!" Aunty started crying. Then I looked at SIL and said, "I said NO! Who do you think you are to Tell Me that I Have to ride with the coffin!" SIL started crying. (She later told me that she rather I ride with mom than any of mom's siblings - who rarely visited mom - even though we all live in the same small island.) Where were all these people when mom, dad and I needed them when mom was alive? Where were they, when dad and I needed some respite? Or someone to come and just talk or gossip with us? Instead, everyone - including SIL - all did the disappearing act all those years. No visits for mom's bday, or Thanksgiving or Xmas. Nothing. And now, with mom's funeral, they think that they can tell me what to do even though I don't want to do it? I was there for mom, I cried in anger, hatred, frustration. I was seriously suicidal when I found this site. Where were they, when I needed them? So, no, I was not going to ride in the same car with mom's body. I was there when her stomach tube popped out, and cleaning her gross phlegmy trache in her neck, and when she threw up and it spilled all over her chest and bedding. I don't need to ride in a car with mom's body because it's 'expected' of me.

I told my siblings that I wanted nothing to do with handling mom's funeral arrangement. I'm the odd ball in the family in that I left the Catholic church and went to another religion. If they insist I do it, I will Not do the rosary, the Mass of Intentions, etc. I will bypass the obligatory 9 days of rosary. I will just pay a non-religious person to do a funeral talk for mom on the day of her burial, and that's it. Siblings handled the arrangements. My siblings (via Aunty's instructions) told me that I have to wear all black for mom's funeral. I said no. I want to wear some purple. I was told - black. So, I kept quiet. On the day of mom's funeral, I pulled out my fancy dark purple tank top with delicate flowers attached to the neckline. I wore it inside my deep vneck plain black dress. {{ chuckling }} I was the only one who had color in my attire.

thanks to those who offered support. my mom's cancer is either cervical or uterine..i have been blocked from receiving info. my mom did see a gyn; was hospitalized twice and had vaginal sonograms; they missed it...i knew she had bleeding, but my mom told me the doc said it was radiation necrosis, from cancer 35 years ago. i spoke to the hospital docs, and they never mentioned abnormal findings. in fact, she had a catheter in serted for 10 months; my siblings didn't follow through; we , as in the health teams, thought it was from trauma to the urethra. i live far away; they don't...i received this hate call, but i came in my mom's house to find her lying in wet; a high fever, and hadnt been up all day. the side door of her home was broken; the dog walker said a while. i am not going to say i don't have some blame; but to blame me for everything..i love my mom. i took care of her for years; in fact, despite having an abusive father, i stayed home to keep my mom safe. they moved away. when i got married, i stayed nearby...they wouldn't even give me the entire diagnosis. i'm' rambling..i'm sorry...thank you very much.

Sorry about the long post. Mom's birthday just passed last week. I couldn't help it but remember her for days leading up to her bday. I guess, I'm venting My Last memories of mom. I sometimes wonder if any of my siblings think of her when it's her bday. FYI, SIL is now sooo faithfully bringing flowers to mom's grave. Hmph!

thanks to you...too..bookluvr....i too, left the catholic church, and most of my hate emails are that...focused on my loving Jesus...and feeling peace for the first time of my life. my sister said that whatever i did for my parents from the past didn't count..i realize now, i should have driven up and taken her for a 2nd opinion..to find her lying in urine; no sheets on the bed, with a massive infection..that was terrible. i have regrets; i begged my mom..please tell the others what's going on..every time i tried to contact them, it's them bashing my church or me..how can you go wrong with God in your life? i feel sad, again, this will end, with me being the bad guy...but i'll never win. i stopped communication with my father last year; my son begged me; he wanted the dysfunction to end. i'm rambling...i hope i can see her before...i am looking into advice...professional..i was always close to my mom; my brother moved them further away, and blamed me for moving...thanks to you all, love marylee...i've had brain surgery and a tbi..head on.sorry for the typing and rambling...and this past summer...our dog died, after requiring care, and my children had procedures, and they have risks...so i was around all summer, while they vacationed...

Marylee be at peace with your own choices you made them with a loving heart not one indoctrinated by obligations.
Guilt is a very powerful emotion and everyone who has done wrong will do everything they can to shift the blame to someone else.
Concentrate on what you are able to do for your mother within your capabilities do npt take on ful responsibilities. Your mother is close to the end of her earthly life and those who have assumed controle of her treatment must assume responsibility for her physical care. if they do not do this properly do not hesitate to report them to adult protective services. you have had brain surgery and there are always after effects from this regardless of the reason. Do not let them use any defects you have been left with to bully you. Take care of yourself and your children. Blessings. You have no guilt and have done nothing wrong.

Hey everybody!

I'm up to my ears in new medical appointments and, per usual, everything gets so mixed up and miscommunicated. My dad doesn't lift a finger for his own care and I'm just weary of it. Not physically worn out, but really demoralized. We have appt today to see Primary Care doc and I'm going to once again point out that my father isn't capable of caring for himself or keeping himself out of harm's way by not taking medications, not cleaning his tubes, etc. Yes, I do all these things for him, but I don't want to be doing them. If he has no level of incompetency, then why is it I'm the one that's feeding him, making him bathe (I did get him to shower a few days ago, woo hoo!), and generally keeping him together... He didn't eat for 2 days, just drank his supplement drinks. I waited to see if he would warm and eat the readily available food in freezer and refrigerator, but he didn't until I put a plate in front of him.

I'm officially depressed. I'm self diagnosing. Now I need to find a psych worth a damn that maybe could help me. So far I'm 0 for 2 with psychs and therapists. The change in seasons, with it getting dark so early, doesn't help my mood I'm sure.

Well... just thought I'd try to post *something* and keep in touch with this really valuable thread. Sorry I'm a bit of a bummer lately. Watching my dad's general non-interest in life rubs off on me. If he doesn't care about anything, why am I stressing over it and continuing to focus my life around his care...

Big hugs to all. Have a good week.

Oh, I adopted a rescue dog. She's not here at the house yet, but... I'm thinking it can only be a good thing to get a friendly presence in this depressing house. :-)

Emjo,

This was absolutely hilarious......"the Bridezilla story."
Is it coincidence that this happens? I've had this happen to me, where
you see either a move, or see the clerk at a local store, and they look just like some nemesis we're dealing with

The battle ax resembled Doris Roberts, from a show called Everybody Loves Raymond, don't know if it was ever aired in Canada. The battle ax even behaved much like her, which makes it even funnier. Of course, my aunt didn't have that kind of saavy, but her comments and behavior were very similar.

Thanks for the laugh!

Much Love & Light! Margeaux

I meant "movie, not move."

Margeaux

That is funny Joan and Margeaux- Blanche on golden girls reminded me of my mother in law. Not the sexy part but the ego and mannerisms were so much like my mil, LOL!!!

ABB I am glad you stopped by and wish things were better for you-the folks here are the greatest-I myself am depressed this holiday season due to dysfunction in the family of one of my sibs and I can have no contact with him and he ill and probably will not be with us by next Christmas but he has decided to believe others instead of talking to me about things I never said- but that is what is and I have to let go.

Alison,

I am really sorry to hear you sounding down at the moment. So if I'm understanding correctly, is your dad now a bit better so that he can do these things you don't want to be doing. I'm a bit confused, as you said that he's basically being lazy about doing his care. If this is the case, that he's being uncooperative, maybe you should think about cutting back what you are willing to do. Pardon me, but I'm beginning to get the impression we are talking about a spoiled man.
Could be time for a change with regards to what you are going to continue to do for him. This is not fair to you.
Hugs,
Much Love & Light! Margeaux

Update: email from my brother - how many days ago is it? - opening thus:

"I have finally calmed down enough to reply to your ridiculous, illogical rant."

Well that went well, then.

He hadn't calmed down, by the way, to judge from the rest of it. And I'm afraid my resolution not to be sarcastic is now officially broken. Phewf. Who needs this?

Sharyn thanks - My thyroid was OK 6 weeks ago and I will check it again before Christmas. I think it is FM. It moved up to my calves to a dull ache and has been getting better since. I have found some insoles with padded heels which I put in flats and have been able to walk 30 mins. again. I was walking in flip flops which probably wasn't smart. Funny about your hub's instructions. Any chance he is going to follow them? Oreos and diabetes don't mix. Funny too about Blanche and your mil.

Austin - I am so sorry about your bro.and your sil. That is so hurtful. (((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))

glad - hope your mum settles down. Saw on the You thread that Ladee M has breast cancer. Haven't seen anything from Ladee C recently.

veronica - sounds like you have it figured out. Dust??? What's that? Another reason not to wear glasses. My daughter has had some gastroparesis. She is finding that she has to eat low fat and low fibre and will be checked for helicobacter pylori. I gather often it is idiopathic.

marylee - (((((((((hugs))))))) I think the others have said it all. Your bro and other sibs have some nerve...Sorry about your dog too, I still miss mine.

book - (((((((hugs)))))) to you too. These anniversaries are hard. Funerals seem to be times when the worst comes out of some people. I am glad you wore purple! I will probably do something like that to my mother's funeral (if I survive her).

Alison - I was wondering if you were a tad depressed. Being around dad all the time doesn't help. I understand being demoralised. Strange about your dad not doing things for himself. There has to be something wrong -- if he is not incompetent, then some psychiatric problem? Hope you get some answers and a good therapist for you. Congrats on the rescue pet. She should lift your spirits. Do tell us more about her.

Margeaux - I know Doris Roberts and Raymond We get that show here. Mother is like Hyacinthe Bucket of the Brit com "Keeping Up Appearances". Everything she has or does has to be high class. and special.

cm - phooey to him. It was not an illogical rant and it certainly was not ridiculous! I am glad you have broken your resolution. You don't need that - not even one little bit of it. Well, carry on with the very good job you do with your mum. How are her innards responding to the antibiotic? That could mess her up big time. He really doesn't have a clue does he? Or, wifey dear is peering over his shoulder dictating what he is to write Same result ether way. (((((hugs))))) to you too.

G has managed to come down with a good case of pneumonia. Of course he hasn't taken any time off work, but he did give the horses a pass tonight. He cannot keep up this pace. Work all day till about 7, then several nights a week and all week end work with the horses - that means outside in all weather, fencing etc, and often up till the small hours, then a couple of nights a week drive between here and Eton after he has finished with the horses. Those nights he basically gets no sleep. Most people simply could not do it. I knew eventually he would have to slow down. He said his dad was like that and worst. By age 68 dad needed a pacemaker and they sold the farm. These tough birds keep going till the doctors tells them they can't do it any more, A friend of G's with bad arthritis has been told to stop but still has 600 head of cattle. Crazy!!!!!. Anyway - less horses in the new year and hopefully a more sane life.

Lights plugged into the little tree - about all I am doing. Take care all - look after you!!!

CM, sibs! My TS#1 will respond to my emails with pages and pages of how I am bullying her and TS#2! Narcissistic BIT##! Now dealing with the traditional Xmas bullsh##! Just sick of it. Won't be seeing my kids, as I didn't for Thanksgiving either. So, I am feeling quite sorry for myself. Have no idea what the twisted ones are planning and wouldn't want to be part of that scene anyway. Last year was a nightmare! So, instead of that nonsense, I will be alone as I was two years ago. Just want to get to January. Wake up, the holiday is done, I slept through it or something.

Then asked POA sis if she would stay the weekend and if she couldn't then call the agency. Get this whine from her that she is so far behind from staying three days over Thanksgiving. Poor baby, thinks I do nothing but sit around and eat bon bons and watch soaps. She even made an excuse to guardian that she couldn't respond to an email over three days of Thanksgiving because she was so busy with the two old folks. Come on now, get a grip!

Every email to her, she responds she has to digest info, check with hubby, or whatever! She is so overwhelmed with all the judge has tasked her with. And she has no idea where to start!

Just got an email from a friend that knows very well about the problems with twisted ones! She called them pretzels! Thanks, Linda, I needed that! LOL!!!! She knew it was something like that. At least she didn't call them rold gold.

CM~So very sorry about your unenlightened brother's response. Happy you broke your resolution too.

Glad~Pretzels, LOL!! Twisted, toasted, pretzel sisters, no salt but lots of vinegar!!

Joan~FM has many complex symptoms. I only know people who have it, some say that just touching their thighs is very painful. I have plantar facsiitis. I use heal inserts with a waffle weave on the bottom. The podiatrist says this helps to distribute the weight on heal more evenly. I know this is not what you are experiencing, but maybe it will help. For me, it is basically a hit and miss situation in getting a pair of shoes that are more supportive for work as I need skid resistant souls and even buying from JCP, they don't always have the same brand available with this particular soul.

Alison~Many hugs and support to you. I am thinking about you!

Our weather has been either raining or foggy. The rain I can handle the rain as it is productive...but the fog...well it brings on seasonal affective disorder (SAD) for me. Going to work helps because of all the bright lighting.

I suggested to my hubs that we invest in a treadmill especially for this time of year. He expressed no interest. We will see what he does, that is all I can do.

After much thought and due to "hugs" sent to me privately., I have devised that it is best for me to leave this site. I am not a 24/7 caregiver, my situation is stable with my mother, and most unfortunate is the info that my posts are not helpful or respected. This info is ok for the most part. I wish everyone a Merry Christmas and many blessings for the new year.

Sharyn, I'm not sure what's going on. I know that lately I haven't been responding to your posts because I have no experiences when it comes to marriage and FaceBook stuff. However, when you mentioned your husband and walking exercise, THAT is something I know about. I've failed it terribly - whether the real walking at the Mall or the treadmill. Fave sis told me that the only time she lasts long in faithfully exercising (including the Zumba) is when she's with her friends. I think if I had an exercise partner (even if it is just the treadmill and the twister and stretchings), I would last long at it. You DO contribute here by encouraging others and giving your experiences when it came to your mother and sister. Gosh... now you have me curious! I'm so sorry. Please don't go. {{HUGS}}

I just wanted to give you all a heads up - for anyone who wants to learn more about dementia. I received an email from Coursera of a Free course (Free if you're Not going for a Certificate). John Hopkins University will be starting a 5 week course on January 12. As soon as I'm done, I'm going to sign up for it on their website.

It's titled: Living with Dementia: Impact on Individuals, Caregivers and Societies.

They have updated the course to now include family caregivers and anyone (lay persons) interested in learning. It's focus is understanding/identifying ways to support individuals living with dementia. The latest research on caring for and supporting persons with dementia & their families.

ABB *** I know that we both are always so tired. I hope you apply for this. Trust me, if it is based like the First course I took last year, there are lots and lots of reading materials (speed read/skim a lot of those!) and videos (love it!!!). I have tons of notes from that last course! Trust me, ABB, you would find this wonderful!!! Please, join it.

Sharynmarie, I don't know what people have been saying to you in their private "hugs", but I don't see any valid reason for you to leave. Please reconsider and stay.

Book thank you SO much. Include me in! Fantastic.

I'm hoping that ME1000 might also consider trying? Just give it a try, okay? If the reading materials are too boggy, then just skim read. It's the videos that I love to watch. Well, most of it.

On the first course that I took last year, it Was difficult for me to squeeze in my full time job, then doing my shift with dad who was Constantly Talking and wanting my full attention. There was just soooo many reading materials (I copied and pasted some of the great ones) and lots of great videos. I lagged behind because I couldn't keep up with all those reading materials & videos. So, I just went by My Pace. I took the tests but I wasn't really into it. I just wanted to learn everything.

I learned from the videos how someone with dementia cannot really see the portable potty chair (white) set against the white wall. The chair blends into the wall and so they Cannot See it. One solution is to draw a black outline on the wall so that it draws their eyes to the portable potty. (I would have just painted a contrasting color on the wall so that the white chair pops out so obviously.) I mean there was so many videos to learn on safety and how the dementias view things. When I was taking this course, I thought it was truly aimed for the professional caregivers (clinics, hospice, hospital staffs.) The videos were there to help them understand dementia, when entering the home - how to spot potential objects that would trip the person, Clutters are no-no, etc... I noticed that there was a wide variety of comments from all fields of the medical community and caregivers like us. Therefore, this upcoming course, they have expanded it to include us lay person. Boy, if I thought the first course was great (which was aimed for the professionals), I can't wait to see this upcoming course.

Marge I so agree I had to cut back with the husband-he could not get his own drink out of the fridge but could go out and use the lawn tractor -if I said why can't you get your own drink he would make sure-I had to remove myself from his space from time to time-I was convinced he was trying to kill me.

Shary I am sorry you are leaving this group-I tried to leave you a private message but was not able to do that-if you want leave me a private message

Hi all just stopping by to send my love and hugs!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Thinking of you all. Hope today is a great one for you!!!!

Sharyn I do not know who has the audacity to suggest that your posts are not helpful or respected. Perhaps that person should stand up and identify themselves.
If the moderators have asked you to leave then of course you should.
You are just as much a caregiver as anyone else here who has a loved on in a faciltiy. You visit your mother frequently that is full time caregiving.
I have never read anything you have posted that is
disrespectful or not informative or seeking advice.
There are also professionals who post from time to time who may or may not be caregivers.
This site i believe was created to provide information and support for those caring for loved ones with dementia. Like every other organization that is alive and well has grown to include other matters. We are requested not to discuss religeon or politics and be respectfull of others. If a post is out of line the moderators are right there with their red pens and it is removed. We are requested to stay on topic for a specific thread or start another thread which in the main is followed. There are also some loose threads as I term them such as "My whine" which are interesting informative and often funny.
So bottom line if you want to leave do so but we will miss you. Hugs

I totally second Veronica's post, except for hair-splitting about the bit on AC being primarily about dementia - it's about caring for elders whatever their needs and however we go about it, isn't it? Which if anything makes Sharyn's contributions fit even more comfortably within all relevant criteria. Sharyn please don't go, you would be missed.

Sharyn - NO! You are a caregiver. Anyone who has told you that you don't belong has some issues of their own they need to look at. You are caregiving your mother She is stable now, but she will decline again, and in any case you are dealing with your sis the POA at present, and that is directly related.

Also, I want to make the point that we all have lives, and loved ones apart from the ones(s) we more obviously care give, and our lives are affected by our caregiving and our caregiving affects our lives and loved ones. Some of us are seniors ourselves or close to it, and working on care giving ourselves and sig others. To me it all comes under the banner of Aging Care. E.g. G is a senior and not looking after himself well enough. It concerns me. Sharon has concerns about her hubs. They are approaching their senior years. I think we all have things to learn for one another in terms of looking after ourselves and others.

I am so sorry this has happened. Don't leave - we appreciate your contributions.

Oh and thanks, Sharyn, about the plantar fasciitis. There may be a little of that mixed in as I had trouble with the heel years ago. I will look for heel pads in the drugstore.