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no one has this nailed. it is hard and the ugliest of people come out during a family tragedy. sad but true.
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Emjo you have it the wrong way round Ladee C has the breast cancer and is persuing a natual course of treatment.
Ladee M's boobs are just fine she is using them for knee warmers. She is quiet at the moment looking at her future career plans.
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Sharyn I hope u do not leave I have tried to leave you a private message and have not been able to do that or even a hug or a public message-it seems you have been cut off which is very unusual for this site-there have been obnoxious people on here from time to time but generally other members deal very effectively with them and they take their trouble to another thread or get the message and leave. I would have liked to be able to reach Sharynmarie one last time but it is what it is.
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Oops - thx Veronica. Senior moment I guess. I don't follow the You thread very closely. I saw that Ladee was following a natural course of treatment. Glad that Ladee M is fine.
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Austin - when sharyn posts you can click right under her name on "give a hug". I think it is private as she has set her wall that way.
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Sharynmarie,

Think about it.......if someone went on the "hugs," section, which for crying out loud, I would think that it would be a place for people to be kind, and come forth with good will and nothing but encouragement. If the opposite has been done, then my suspicion is the fact that we do unfortunately have some ill willed people here.
The trolls.

You have indicated that SAD is affecting you. When I have read at times that someone has lost a loved one, and they're making their announcement that they're leaving I sometimes think, that's really too bad. Although maybe some people think just because they are no longer in the hands on caregiving situation, there's no longer any reason to contribute, I'd think they are the ones who could give very special advice after having experienced caregiving. Of course, there are times that possibly some people just need to take a break, etc.......and that's perfectly fine too. But I hope that in your case since you've mentioned these questionable hugs,
I hope this isn't making you feel less than, or something like that which would end up making you feel that your contributions here aren't valuable, because they are.

Big Hugs,
Much Love & Light! Margeaux
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I wish we could track down these ill willed trolls. Maybe the administrators could.
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Emjo,

Yes, that's a point well taken. I think at times some people may look at things as if they're putting a topic into one small little box. If others start to stray from the box others don't like it, get offended, etc. We do have concerns about our hubs, insurance, and our well being as it relates to it. It's all interconnected, as far as I'm concerned. I also feel, that some times posters will start to say things like we're getting off topic, etc., because they just basically hits a nerve with their views about matters. But for the poster, it's still what they are truly experiencing, and it is affecting them. Flexibility is good.

Oh, flip flops.....they're the worst kind of shoe, in fact I don't event consider them shoes. I'm having to become very selective about shoes I wear in general, especially for walking.

Much Love & Light! Margeaux
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Oh.....pardone moi! "because it basically hits a nerve."

Sorry,
Margeaux
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Austin,

Spot on! I grew up around my share of dysfunction. However, I will say that my dad was very hard working, and he loved to cook. He was very physically inclined by doing gardening, and literally ........I saw him re-arranging his garden constantly.
So, in other words, I am lucky and I do have a point of reference thank the cosmos of a man who enjoyed, wasn't afraid to get his hands dirty, and took great pride in it. Heck when he was very sick with his cancer already 84, I'll never forget oone of the last times I looked out the window, and even saw dad on his knees weeding on a pillow. This for me, was quite a sad day, because I realized what a turn the cancer had taken, the chemo, everything, and had obviously weakened, his
knees. But, this of course reinforced a lesson to me. That lesson being.......that
there are just some people who no matter what, are the doers for themselves

By contrast......my husband, gee one would think he was born some centuries ago, and was on the higher rung of a royal court.
Yes, in cases where one starts to feel taken advantage of, having to wait on them hand and foot, that's wrong, and the people being taken advantage of, need to wake up! I do say this from my own experience, too.

Much Love & Light! Margeaux
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I was able to send sharyn a hug by clicking the link under her post. I hope she wouldn't mind if I share the gist of what I said... which is -

I don't want to only always be reading about the grind life of hands-on caregiving. I'm living it and reading about grand babies, and dogs, and cooking, and gardening, and other facets of people's lives is wonderful for me. No, I don't always have a comment because most of you have lived more life than I have, have more skills... you would not want my input on cooking anything, ha!

But those other topics are so wonderful, such a nice distraction, a nice "conversation" about something else besides the constant frustration and dreariness of hands-on caregiving to someone who's declining.

Well... that's how I feel about the topic of posting *whatever* someone chooses to post, that is relevant and important to them. I appreciate those of you who want to share the ups and downs of your own personal lives. It's nice... it allows me to get to "see" your personalities more. I feel more connected and I feel supported. And that means the world right now.

Sharyn is as much a caregiver as anyone, plus she knows a lot about dysfunctional family relationships. I think she's irreplaceable to this thread. So I hope you stick around, sharyn. 💜
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I am sure the administration can find out who is causing problems-in the past the good folks here can spot a troublemaker and react accordingly which has happened a few times and there is no shame in apologizing -I have upset some people and they did call me on it and we were able to repair things and I think former caregivers do have something of value to impart or when the cared for person is placed the caregiver can still give good advice and information-I always feel bad when one of our members leave the group especially if it is because someone else caused that person to feel bad.
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I don't see where we can contact the administration like we once could.
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Correct that. I've found how to contact the Admin.
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I also noticed that option is no longer available to get in touch with the administration-I was able to do that in the past and would like to be able to address concerns we might have once again-if anyone from administration is reading this please reconsider idea of not letting us bring concerns up as needed-this form is suppose to be for caregivers and should be a two way street-I would appreciate any input you would like to share.
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You really have to search.

https://www.agingcare.com/contactus.aspx
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Alison,

This is exactly what I'm talking about. Some of us have been a part of this thread in particular, almost 3 yrs., well I'm speaking for myself. If we don't share other points about our lives, we'd never be able to get a grasp really about anyone here.
Yes, we share, many great things here, even how to make a good bone broth, thanks to Emjo!

I also think, that this thread holds a particular facet about caregiving that others may not focus on, and that is the dysfunctional part. Well, I do know I've read other threads, but maybe they don't talk about it in the dysfunctional terms.

Hugs,
Much Love & Light! Margeaux
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I am going pretty crazy as my siblings are being very unkind to me. I have been the one caring for our mother for 3 years. My sister will help out for $350. a week. I have been paid nothing and don't need to be. Now it is as my Mother is turning against me. He Dr. signed a paper to declare her incompetent. He has been treating her for 15 years and has wanted me to place her in assisted living for over a year. I am scared, sad, mad, and don't know where to turn. I am POA and they are mad about that now. My mother made this decision without any pressure from me. Now she thinks I should give it to my sister so she won't be mad at her. My sister calls and screams and curses at me. It hurts so bad.
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brinoz, if your mom has been declared incompetent by her doctor, can she legally change her POA? Does your sister want to be POA so she can prevent Mom from moving to AL?
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Sharyn, NO please don't go! You are so supportive of me and many others! And you are a reminder that there is another side to caregiving where involvement doesn't have to be 24 hours a day. It gives me and others in the trenches some hope that there is life on the other side.
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No she can't change anything. I don't think she is against Mom going to AL, just mad that she does not have control. I am the one who has been here 3 years. She will only come if I pay her $350 a week.
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Brinoz,

Welcome to the thread. I think that when an elder is determined to be incompetent,
they often act out to the person closest to them. In you case, since you've been
doing on going caregiving for 3 yrs., you are the one. She may be having a very hard time coming to grips with this diagnosis. Of course that isn't your fault, nor is it fair towards you.

I would think, the fact that she is now deemed incompetent, that she could not
change a POA, in her condition according to the law. I doubt you are under any obligation to pay her too.

Please come back and share about your situation.

Much Love & Light! Margeaux
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brinoz, as POA, you are the one with the authority regardless of who likes it or not. The doctor has declared your mother incompetent and can write up an order to have her go to assisted living which he is recommending. It's tough, but you are the one with the legal and medical authority behind you. With the doctor's declaration, your mother cannot change the POA decision that she made. Do what the doctor suggests is best for your mother with the authority that you mom gave you and her doctor has activated! Prayers, love and hugs! As Yoda said to young Luke Skywalker "Do or not, there is no Try" You are the one with the authority to make it happen.

I'm sorry that your siblings are being such a pain. Come here and vent all you need to! Do you have anyone in your life that you can talk with face to face about this? You might want to consider taking care of your own mental health by finding a supportive therapist who is knowledgeable about family members can be in this kind of situation and help you survive. My step-dad never like the fact that my mother made me her durable and medical POA. However, if she had not made that decision then she would have died years before she did.
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Changing the subject back to sharynmarie, the administrators have informed me that they are looking into her situation.
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Good cmagnum this kind of thing needs to be nipped in the bud
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Sharyn, might I also add how very much you would be missed? I am not sure which thread I posted on about the fact that I am out of the caregiving, at least for a while. I came to GA, having panic attacks the whole drive. That was the day before Thanksgiving & I am still here, still having them & anxiety. Nevertheless, I have not wanted to leave the group because it was like a security blanket when I was with aunt & uncle...I am wanting to hold on to it a while longer. All of you, including Sharyn, got me through some really rough days & I will be forever grateful for that and the day I discovered this site. Thank you.
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Butterfly,

By a very I guess you could call it being a caregiver, I'm not one either.
I did have some passing moments some time back, maybe I didn't fit in here after hearing how difficult other hands on caregivers, and people who have their loved ones in facilities and are dealing with difficult POA's, difficult relatives, you name it.
I then thought about it, and said, "No," I still have at times something to offer.
Even if it's like the cheering squad, which I personally feel is very important.
We just don't know when we are all going to be also affected by a bad spell, where we are the ones who need advice and cheering up, too. It's the Ying and Yang.

I too am very, very grateful this thread in particular exists, and you guys all feel like my family. Even this morning, gee as I was writing about dad, who passed going on 13 years this March, I felt kind of bummed thinking about that memory.
It hadn't surfaced for a long time. It just feels good to share this with my amigas and amigos here, because it feels safe.

How are you doing, I hope that your anxiety has calmed down.
Get yourself some lavender oil or flowers, that can help calm you down.
Lemon and citrusy scents can lift the mood.

O.K., take care my dear.

Hugs,
Much Love & Light! Margeaux
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Sharyn, nooooo. I have missed a lot because I couldn't keep up, but Sharynmarie had some just sent me a hug with information about TAVR (she was kind enough to follow up on my worry about my husband's pending heart surgery). I didn't know that someone had kicked her off, and thought my reply to her wall was just a usual thing. Had I known what was going on, I would have sent her more than a casual thank you chatter. A few months back, I thought I offended someone and stopped getting updates. I was sure I had been blacklisted. But so many of you rose to reassure me that was not the case. I think it would be very wrong if Sharynmarie was blacklisted or somehow shamed to think she shouldn't be here. She is one of the many "principals" of this thread that I count on for her wisdom and life perspectives. She is a caregiver, there can be no doubt. She caregives me and I know a lot of you, too, emotionally and practically. Hoping Sharynmarie can come back.
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CM, bro's response at first sight sounds like projecting flummox. Rather than answer you, he smokescreens with offense. I had a fantasy of presenting those two with a duties and details list, with summary explanations of what happens when the tried-and-true caregiving techniques are altered or ignored, such as skin breakdowns/rashes and mental upsets. These are things only an intimate caregiver can know from day-in, day-out oversight over time. Neither of them could argue your attention to detail or desire to share. Perhaps they are not capable of REALLY caring, but only able to prove to themselves they care and the details don't matter. After all, they TOOK Mom, didn't they? Huh? What more proof of their caring or expertise could there possibly be? Their clean little hands know better about everything, right? And after all, they are DONE now, right? For you, it's an ongoing labor of love.
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50s, you understand it exactly. I think my brother loves my mother very much, I think my SIL loves him very much, and their boys are among the most well-adjusted you can imagine so there is no shortage of love within their tight nucleus; but between his projecting - anger, guilt, aggression, irrationality, it's quite astonishing what he perceives in others! - and SIL's disapproval of both me and my mother, which goes back to the very beginning, combined with what is probably her quite genuine, desperate need for recognition of her authority, the result is an impenetrable wall when it comes to communication. I tried, I failed, I now struggle to care.

But I'm very bad at letting go of the sheer curiosity. Given that I am a complete ingrate, which aspect of this disastrous project of theirs am I supposed to be grateful for?

I hope to God they are done! Thank you for seeing it so clearly.
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