notrydoyoda Posted January 2012
The Caregiver & Dysfunctional Families: How are you doing?
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I've also read where the siblings would take mom out for lunch, etc.. and go to the bank. Since the account is under mom's name, and she has her ID, she can withdraw the $1000.00 at the teller.
As her POA, please watch your back. All expenses paid by your mom's money - document, document, document. In other words, keep the receipts. If your receipts are the like the ones here, they fade. My sister bought me a printer/scanner. I make copies of the receipts and file it away. I don't know how to scan it and store it in the internet cloud. (I'm not computer savy...I don't even know how to use the digital camera bro gave me.)
Because your siblings enjoyed your mom giving them money, they might accuse of stealing from mom. Or using her money for you. So, document, document, document. I always review the receipts. If I don't know the coding 'puppy', I write on the receipt 'puppy liners.' Ahem.. I put the liners on the floor below dad's end table and on his table to catch the inevitable spills. I also use it as protective liners when changing his pamper. Multi-purpose use - those puppy pads - not just for puppies. And quite inexpensive compared to the real adult liners.
I still, of course, completely agree that she would be wise to keep a sharp lookout for monkey business. And to watch her back.
Brinoz this is so wearing and so stressful. I really feel for you. Does it help to think how strong your patience muscles will be after all this exercise? I'm sorry - just clutching at any wisps of silver lining I can think of.
I completely agree with Countrymouse. You are in a much better place than many caregivers, since you have POA. There are many situations here on AC, where the main caregiver doesn't have any legal authority, which is like putting the cart before the horse. I'm sorry there was no agreement made for payment to you for caring for her. That's a tremendous amount of time and energy, plus all the added stress having to put up with your siblings.
It is difficult for children to place their parents in a facility. However, if you have been doing this for 3 yrs., already and apparently with no help from others,
try to look at it as it will help you in the bigger picture.
My mom is 92 right now, and she was diagnosed with ALZ, 9 years ago. My sister moved in with her, and although she doesn't do 24/7, (she works full time), still however has administered mother's care all that time. My sister's situation is different from yours though; she has paid caregivers at her disposal, even on her days off, and even so........she still suffers from burn out, just for the length of time it has involved.
One can never know what will be involved until they are actually in those shoes,
and once a caregiver begins to do so......we can never know for how long that would entail. You are in my thoughts, because I do realize that this is not an easy time for you, either.
Hugs,
Much Love & Light! Margeaux
I am so glad that AC administration got wind of this situation, and thanks for the input.
Now I really understand how easy someone can be bullied. How sick of these people.
I hope things are well for you, your wife and family.
Hugs,
Much Love & Light! Margeaux
Someone made a comment about "being in non-combative mode" during Christmas. I love that. Thanks. I shall try always to turn that switch on.
I know that when my anger gets ruffled, it's not easy to calm down and let hurt pass, but with practice I am getting better at this. And there is always a chance to practice patience and self-control with one's own self and with others.
Merry Christmas, Hannukah, and all the other celebrations that remind us that Peace and Love are why we are here.
welcome brinoz - I am so sorry for your situation and the stress it brings to you. Others have covered the bases. I can identify with you regarding the pressure sibs can create and will share my story. I have one sib and she is well off, but over the years mother has "treated" her to holidays and who knows what else. Sis has always been able to successfully play the poor me game with mother. In the past few years, I found out from her son (strained relationship between them as she has pulled a few in him too and disinherited him) that all his life sis has claimed that she wanted and would get all the inheritance mother leaves. Part of her strategy is to bad mouth me to mother. I don't think it has worked, but there was a nasty situation last fall so who knows. Mother took me out of her will once before - the reason she claimed was a fabrication. I am POA and executor. Mother is mentally ill with Borderline Personality Disorder and also now has developed vascular dementia. She is 102 and physically pretty healthy. I am 77 and pretty healthy with a few issues. Due to the BPD I decided years ago, I would never take her into my home. Mother went into assisted living about 5 years ago and it has been a merry go round since. Sis is back-up POA but does not want the job nor to do the work, but sits on the sidelines and criticises. I have cut contact with her after the last bunch of nasties. She wanted to move mother to a cheaper place, no consultation with me, and fewer services than the ALF she was in, but she wanted me to do the workj of moving. Mother was developing dementia at the time and ended up in a psychiatric hospital and finally on an antipsychotic meds and is doing as well as possible. She will shortly be placed in a mental health facility where I hope she will stay the rest of her life. The stress if all this has affected my health and I am having to back away from conflicts as much as possible. All of this to say you are not alone, it is very stressful, and you need to look after yourself.
Sharyn I am glad you are getting this sorted out and look forward to your continued participation.
Alison - what you wrote sharyn was right on
judd - it is an exercise in patience and self control, and maintaining a loving attitude
drawing close to Christmas and no word about moving mother yet.
Have a good day everyone and do something good for you.
In our case, at least we won't be lying or agreeing to things that don't fit us. You give the elders a sense that you respect their ideas without giving away your own power. Doesn't always work with my Mom though!! She demands total compliance! In that case I just mirror what she says like a shrink and try to let it not get to me. I am not saying this is easy!!
HAAH! That's funny! Yes, I've thought the very same thing about, "honey, love, darling." Are you using these terms now? I do at times, especially I catch myself using them with small children. But sometimes they can diffuse negative energy,
so I get that. Could it be senior wisdom?
Oh! "non-combative mode," yes that mode is very important.
Right along in line with that mode, is "for people who need to have the last word,
let them have the last word!"
Merry Christmas, Hannukah, Holidays.
Last night was the first night of Hannukah. My husband is Jewish, and we always light the candles. So he lit these slender, cute red candles, don't know where he found them. But they were very close together, and I told him to watch them while that one was burning. I'm in the kitchen busy making dinner, and I smell something burning. The candle had burned too far, and caught the sterofoam it was anchored to, not on fire, but smoking. Lovely smell.
I'll have to make something special during the next few days to celebrate,
he was already giving me hints about doughnuts. HAAH! He thinks I'm going to make them.
May Peace and Love Prevail!
Much Love & Light! Margeaux
Oh crumbs, have I missed the start again? Stupid movable feasts...
I will certainly think hard about your sage's words, Judda, not necessarily with my mother (who rarely voices any opinion) but for others I need to find a new approach to. Bear with me with this knight's move thought, though. Whenever I hear of people knowingly going along with another's train of thought for the sake of collaboration rather than conviction, it brings to my mind a parody of Riverdance I saw performed at a school revue one year. The scene began with the usual perfect line formation, soon subverted by a small mistake on the part of just one dancer, followed by gradual descent into utter chaos. What made it work so well as comedy was the blank expression maintained by all the dancers as they ploughed resolutely on with their routine. I have rarely laughed so hard in all my life, let alone at a school show, or not when that was the performers' intention anyway; but on more sober reflection - isn't that just life? Aren't we all reluctant to be the first to break step? But I like your sage: calmly holding the line and waiting for others to join him.
Right along in line with that mode, is "for people who need to have the last word,
let them have the last word!" Thanks to all. So glad I found this group. I am feeling like a piece of sXXXX most of the time. My sister continues to harass me and I am trying to ignore her as my counselor has advised. I keep thinking our family is falling apart and then realize it fell apart a long time ago. It is just that now I am being portrayed as the "bad guy" because I am doing what I have been entrusted to do. Don't know if I told you this, but my sister's son trashed me on Facebook. I opted out of Facebook and will never go back. Don't understand the hate. But I know it is not over. The battle has just begun.
Gee.......like you need the Facebook trashing.
We've a friend who actually, has a penchant for making very uninformed and
stupid remarks to people. She'll then want to paint a boo hoo picture for me and my husband, always about how she got into it with someone on FB, they misunderstood, in other words, always bad feelings. Part of the problem I'm sure w/her is she can't keep her trap shut. I've told her, that all this FB participation many times to me sounds as if people are in grammar school, honestly.
Facebnook, Schmacebook. I've to date never had an account, nor does it interest me.
Much Love & Light! Margeaux
There was civil war navy man named Admiral David Farragut who in the battle of Mobile Bay said "Dam the torpedoes, full speed ahead." The torpedoes to which he referred today would be considered mines. He sailed straight into where the mines were and they failed to explode and won victory in the face of almost certain defeat.
So, dam the fears, face the, and go straight through them to victory on the other side for yourself, your marriage, your family and your mother!!!!!!! Make it so! I am confident that you can!
You're not going to believe this. On Monday, mother initiated our third conversation to date about her hypothetical funeral arrangements. Seizing the day, in the light of my sister's weird recent experiment with being a thoughtful and supportive person (??? who are you and what have you done with my sister ???), and thinking of some of the hurt and anguish that seems to happen when families can't agree on their loved ones' funerals - fertile territory for dysfunctional families, indeed - I suggested that we get a local undertaker round to advise mother on creating written instructions as part of her will; and today would be ideal because POA sister would be here on a visit to make sure she didn't get sold any pups. Easy - then when the time comes you just hold up the letter with your mother's signature on it and anyone who wants to argue has to sit down and shut up.
Anyway. Sister unhesitatingly agreed it would be a very good idea to get this written down - yay! But having helped organise her husband's relative's big-deal funeral last year, she felt confident she could guide mother through the options without getting an outsider involved. Oh.
Somewhat missing the point, but whatever - the important thing is to get mother's wishes in writing. Fine.
So she trots round today, mother has been reminded in the interval that the subject will be discussed and is fine with it, I make a plate of sandwiches and leave them to it, taking the opportunity to skip out to the garden centre and the smallholders' supplies store. An hour and a half later...
She wants to leave her body to medical research.
This was her idea?
Oh. My. God.
Many times I've read when caregivers come here burned out because they've been doing hands on caregiving. Usually they'll write about how they've ignored their family, and maybe some don't put it quite that way, the complaints still amount to that very fact. Others will say they've lost themselves in the caregiving and don't remember a life before caregiving. Anyway, there are a variety of feelings all associated to burn out, and the caregiver is basically crying out for their freedom.
It sounds as if you are in a good space as far as resources are concerned, so that if you are saying you really can't do this anymore.....you do have the option
and the doctor's blessing to do so.
My mother who I described to you before, has never been in a facility, not even these daycare centers, which I know seniors can go to. When my sister had charge of not only mom, also mom's older sis, our aunt was quite debilitated and became immobile which meant she was homebound. Even though mom already was on her way with ALZ, she still however was still more mobile than her sister.
They were so co-dependent, that mom never wanted to leave the house, which they were both living in. If ever another sibling wanted to take her out for the day, mom protested and didn't want to go, always claiming, "I'm leaving my sister behind."
So I'd suggested to my sis, I thought it would be good for mother to be enrolled
in an Adult Daycare Center. I thought at the very least mother could get out of the house, get some kind of stimulation w/other seniors, and activity. Anything to help mother keep somewhat active, even w/ALZ. But my sister never thought it to be a great idea, and any such suggestion was immediately quashed by her; just saying that mom would never go. So, I saw my mom decline a lot, during a 3 yr., period. I always wonder where mom might be had she been inscribed in some activities.
To this end......I think many times family members who either think they somehow can do just everything for a senior, naively think so. Your mom could benefit by being in this facility. I also think that many times unfortunately relative caregivers
have to become too involved just in the logistical care part. Then if dysfunction weighs heavy, the caregiver becomes embroiled in that. This leaves little to no energy to tend to possibly the stimuli and spiritual needs of an elder, which I think is very important, too.
The other part about this too......is if your mom is in a facility, YOU get your life back. So these are my pro's and con"s about how people can view the issue of
placing an elder in a home.
Much Love & Light! Margeaux
brinoz - I agree that therapy is a good thing and surrounding yourself with people who understand,
asking why often doesn't really help. It is what is, but you don't have to like it. Sometimes understanding why helps me, but in the long run we have to deal with it, whatever it is. Family dynamics are complicated, people are complicated.
cm - That takes the cake - or the sandwiches! Did she put it in writing? It would save money wouldn't it? Maybe it appealed to your sis and mum for that reason. I am assuming that your sis had something to do with this or did your mum have a sudden attack of atruism. Oh dear. What is that they say about good intentions, which I know you had in arranging this? I think you need another G and T. Not sure it beats mother looking in the freezer in the small hours seeing what is to come, and that God will get me for it, or wanting to go to BC for assisted suicide, but it comes close. (((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))
Margeaux - any outside activity would take your mum out of sis's control. That is a no-no to her. You make a good point about people getting their lives back.
Flurry of activity here. G arrived in the middle of the night and is off again for a specialist appointment in E'ton early tomorrow. He has a very bad knee and it needs surgery if they can do it - not just a regular knee replacement. I gave him heck for not taking time off with the pneumonia. He has not slowed down at all. I don't know how he does it. The clinic he went to told him to go to hospital, but he refused and just asked for drugs so he got antibiotics. He looks good - good colour as always, but I am sure he will come to a point where he can't keep going like this. Another stubborn person!!! Gotta go shopping to get fruit for him to take with him. have a good day everyone.
I promised her she would never have to think about it again once she'd decided. A promise is a promise. I will just have to regret me and my big mouth, and be grateful that I believe in an all-understanding God who has a sense of humour and couldn't care less how His children's bodies are disposed of.
Oh heck! - what on earth are my children going to say? They will be appalled.
Oh my goodness what DO you do with men who believe that Vicks and a 5 mile run will see them through pneumonia! I'll keep my fingers crossed that he wakes up to your advice before he gets himself into really serious trouble.
Brinoz, I agree with Emjo that there is no why, but at the same time I can't stop asking either - I understand how you feel. I would love, so love, just to know what is going through people's heads, why what they're doing makes sense to them. Goodness isn't it itchy!