notrydoyoda Posted January 2012
The Caregiver & Dysfunctional Families: How are you doing?
Follow
Share
Read More Close
34K Comments
Popular Questions
Related Questions
- How do I deal with an emotionally needy mother who wants all of my time and attention?
- I get so angry with my 88-year-old mom sometimes and find myself getting resentful to her and not treating her very good. How can I deal?
- How do I deal with being "cut" from the family?
- My sole mate is sole care taker of both parents. Where do I find help dealing with this?
Start a Discussion
You nailed it about "mom being taken out of sis's control, and being a no-no!
I haven't heard boo from my sister going on over a month now. I suspect highly
the added chaos of having the daughter w/her own family there at mother's must be wearing on her. But oh well, that's their dysfunction as to how none of them
seem to connect the dots that family can''t always live under one roof, then to put the cherry on that chocolate cake, their in mother's home. The last visit there,
has made me keep away. Heck, last time I visited.....it was so noisy, the main areas such as the living room were littered with the kids toys, and any and all baby
acoutrements. I couldn't believe it. Plus, that's when the way sis behaved being super granny w/the newest born, (3 mos. old), signaled to me........to keep mother in her room. That really rubbed me the wrong way. Why does my mother have to stay in her own room in HER house, I would like to know? This was too much, as far as the entitlement goes. Of course I'll be making my round in the next few days, been wanting to get down there past few, but had some car issues, too.
WOW Emjo! This must have you concerned......G not stopping and having the pneumonia. I hope he slows down, he really needs to rest. But I understand when their stubborness kicks in. I'm keeping you and G in my thoughts!
Hugs,
Much Love & Light! Margeaux
Hugs,
Do you think this was your mother's idea.........leaving her body to medical science?
I can see how many times in families when we are not part of the decision making process when it comes to funeral arrangements, some of these can be shall I say shocking?
When mom's sis died, the battle ax, remember her? Well, she never had kids,
so part of our family dysfunction became that our mother allowed the battle ax,
a narcissist full reign w/in the family. The battle ax had a reputation w/most people of being an abusive bully, and it got worse as she aged, and was in my sister's care. Some of the things my sister, and the paid caregivers had to put up with,
was abominable. Here I'd been hearing on a daily basis from my sis, about the daily abuse, being supportive, etc. But get this! The day of the wake, I came in
and went to the front of the funeral parlour and sat right next to mother, followed by the rest of the siblings. Once I settled in my seat, I looked at the open casket,
and was appalled to see "Mother," engraved on the satin inside the coffin.
I thought, WHAT ON EARTH, & who decided that??????????
Three weeks would pass until I got the nerve, and got over the blow of that to ask my sister about who's decision was that, and why? I mean, here I'd been hearing blow by blow account from sis. My sis fudged an answer, and I could tell that
it was between her & two brothers who are clueless, about dysfunction. So I surmised it was all their decision. You see, I'm not oddly enough ever included when it comes to making those arrangements.
Anyway, I hope in your case......that it is your mom's choice.
Much Love & Light! Margeaux
I'm kind of warming to it: it isn't something I'm against in principle, it's just not what you like to think of in the case of your own dear loved one. Then of course you can't help thinking of nineteen year old medical students chasing each other round the room playing tag with detached hands (oh I'm sure they're more respectful these days…) But her brain might be interesting to dementia researchers, which could be of genuine benefit.
Eeeeeuuuuuwwwww…! Perhaps I'm not warming to it that much then!!!
But on a more serious note, that is ***exactly*** the sort of thing I thought we had better try to anticipate and avoid. You know what happens: one child thinks "lilies," another thinks "roses," and twenty years later there's still a lively feud going on.
Well! My mother's certainly nipped all that in the bud, hasn't she. Perhaps I should applaud the neatness of it. And, most importantly of all, I suppose I have accomplished the key thing which is that my sister does have my mother's instructions from her own mouth and there will therefore be no scope for disputes. And I'd do best to set a good example and not dispute it.
Whether or not my mother would ever have come up with this on her own… That's different. But I can't see anything to gain for her benefit by saying so.
Oh, and Margeaux I meant to ask - do you remember discussing white sage a while back? I have some, and it's doing a lovely job of aromatherapy just sitting on top of the wood burning stove; but could you remind me of what the purification process is?
During that time period Mom understood what was happening to her and brought up donation of her body to science, primarily for the study on the brain. I do not have an issue with this at all and was actually surprised and proud of Mom for thinking that way. She actually made a statement something like, if there is a chance that it will help my family by finding the cause and maybe a cure she was happy to do it. However, she had already made arrangements for cremation and had purchased a niche, so that is what will happen. Think I would be crazy enough to bring this up to the twisted ones? I think not!
One thing that needs to be checked into if serious about donation for brain research is find out where the research is being conducted. If I remember correctly, there are only two research centers in the states that are actively seeking brains. And the brain can be removed here, then transported to Arizona, closest research center to here, but there would be a charge of about 1K to take care of all of that.
The University of Colorado Medical Center is trying to get a research center up and going. The effort is being led by Dr. Huntington Potter, formerly he has been at Harvard and University of South Florida. At this time they are screening subjects to test whether a Leukine that they have found actually reverses damage caused to the brain in mice. It is going to be a fairly small sample, probably about 20 people or so. It looks very promising at this point.
http://www.ucdenver.edu/academics/colleges/medicalschool/departments/neurology/clinicaltrials/Pages/Alzheimer';s-Disease.aspx
And there is a connection between Downs Syndrome and Alzheimer's. The webpage is a very interesting read!
What I really do not understand is why all this crap has happened with my sisters. What kind of family is this? Aren't families supposed to be helpful and supportive of one another? Are they angry because I have spent the last almost three and a half years caring for Mom? Do they just want Mom in a facility that would separate her from her husband? Do they think care will be better at a one to eight ot one to nine ratio? Do they not understand that any time during the first two years here ts#2 could have chosen to move Mom to a facility at any time? Why didn't she? And while doing this relieved the twisteds from responsibility that they did not have to take on. This has destroyed me financially, and have yet to be paid a dime in spite of an order from the court to do so. Another xmas where I cannot afford to buy my children or grandchildren gifts. That hurts.
I am thankful for the limited guardian. She has seen the situation for what it is and is now responsible for placement decisions. That will never go back to anybody in the family. Mom is happy, most of the time, and doing well. Thank goodness for the happy demented, though that can be wearing at times as well.
I am especially thankful for AgingCare and this website, especially my friends here. Without this support I would have lost my mind long ago.
"May the joy of the season" my eye! Well. Let's just decide to have joy in spite of the thorns in our flesh. It's still Christmas even without the shopping (I miss it too). Hugs again.
I am coming round, Veronica, and even if all the good that results is that her poor old heart comes eyeball to eyeball with a green-faced freshman who never forgets his first sight of that organ, as least something will have been learned. Sigh. As to my children, I'll send them an email telling them what she's decided and that they're not to raise the subject either now or when the time comes. They're not big believers in telling their granny what's good for her, but I don't want them to say anything tactless in haste, later on, simply because I hadn't warned them.
glad (((((((((hugs)))))))) caregiving is one of the lonely jobs and only those who do it understand, and even then if you have a dysfun fam and narcissism to deal with it is different from than those who don't. I am appalled that you haven't been paid despite the court order. Was anything decided about the tw's having to pay their own lawyers costs? It all is shocking.
Speaking of bodies to science, my ex mil, who is a dear friend, voiced that wish, but also at another time that she would be interred next to her father up north and she wanted me to see to it. Her time may be approaching. I got a voice mail last night from her youngest son who is the one who does things for her, that there had been a episode to do with her heart, and she was in hospital and they were putting her into long term care. Her own doctor has been urging her to go into an ALF for a couple of years. I have suspected her heart was getting worse, She is 81, has had afib and CHF for many years, was getting anaemic, is diabetic 2, and has been very overweight though she has lost about 100 lbs the last few years. I tried calling back last night but the line was busy. I will try again today. I feel the need to go down there and visit her in hospital, or LTC but it is hard with mother's move hanging over us. Actually mother's unit is on lockdown, as too many have flu, so it might work from that point of view, but my gut is a bit unstable.
My heel is plantar fasciitis I am pretty sure. It is worse in the morning when I first get up. What do you need to do first thing in the morning when you get up and often are in a hurry, certainly as you get older? Yeah, you got it. Picture me hobbling to the bathroom in pain and hoping I get there in time. I had it once before about 12 years ago and got rid if it and I plan to do the same this time. Stretching exercises. heel pads and anti inflammatories.
What a bunch of old crocks we are! G with pneumonia, though getting better, and needing knee surgery, me with my little ailments, and mother at 102 with no current physical problems other than high blood pressure and low thyroid both of which are treated. I doubt she will even get flu though she is surrounded with people who have it. She hasn't had it in years.
Have a good day and do something good for you!
You're right, things will get better. I'm sorry you're having such a painful time.
Personally, I'd like a New Orleans Dixie-Land Jazz funeral with a Viking send-off. Set me on a dragon boat aflame out to sea. Or Lake Superior. Either is fine. Neither will probably happen.
Four doctor's appointments this past week for dad, lots of phone calls, lots of arrangements. The good news is my dad is bouncing back from this hospitalization. The bad news... and it's only bad news because it puts me on the hook for at least another 3-6 months... is that his PCP says my dad likely can recover fully, get the g-tube AND THE CATHETER removed, and then be looking at the possibility of relatively independent life again. So there is a referral to a new Urologist to take a look at my dad's case. PCP (who strikes me as one of the more intelligent geriatricians I've met) says because how my dad's need for catheter happened (after skin cancer surgery), it very well could be non permanent. Well... the VA changed direction several times about whether or not dad's cath was permanent, it makes sense to take dad through getting scoped, probed, and tested by new specialist in this area. I also promised my father I would get him a 2nd opinion.
Just before I came to my desk to get on computer for a bit, I flushed my dad's stomach tube and fed him. I've found a new coping mechanism with him and so far it's working. I complain and kvetch away about him not doing the things he's supposed to do, and able to do, but I do it in a way that he knows I'm just venting and I actually manage to vent... otherwise, I feel like a slave/maid to him and I'm resentful. Well, if I just use some sarcasm and voice my frustration to him, then we both let it go. I've been doing this since he got home from the hospital. Seems to be working for us. I got the idea from the character "Gaby" on Desperate Housewives (tv series in the US from a few years back). Gaby used her big mouth to complain a lot, but it was done in a mostly humorous way.
Well... whatever gets me through the day, right? Next week, I pack up dad and we go to older bros in Indy. Bro actually sent me a nice text recently. I am ever hopeful he and I can learn to avoid those topics or tones that trigger conflict. I'm also NOT going to be spending any time with him, if I can help it, lol. Another coping mechanism I've learned: just limit time and interaction with those with whom you have hurtful relationships.
Welcome to newer posters, I see some new stories here, I'm glad you're sharing.
Have a great weekend everyone. Stay healthy, take Vit C through the winter months, or, my preference, juice lemons into every glass of water.
Big (((((hugs)))))
Regarding the sage, first of all if you're using a smudge stick (tied up branches of sage), these one just lights them, and gets them going by fanning them til they glow and they'll start smoking. Now if you plan to burn loose sage, just make sure the receptacle you burn it in is heat proof. I use a big shell, cut some leaves, get them going also fanning them.
Many cultures have used sage in their ritual cleanings. It is said, that one can set an intention, make an affirmation then light it and just walk around the area you want to smudge. Say, if you feel there's been too much going on in a home or
the space you desire to clear.....you could just think say something clear about
how you'd like some calm, or peace to prevail, or even if you need focus.
Then you light up your sage and walk with it in the area.
I've done this even when we've had a visitor, like one day our landlord was in our house, and she's always been a troublemaker for us. As soon as she left, I saged the entire house, just to make sure her funky energy left when she did! HAAH!
I just love the way it smells. If ever I've felt a bit down, I burn it, and it seems to
dissipate some of this feeling. Oh, if you have a fireplace, you can even put some sage on a glowing log, and you'll be able to enjoy the wonderful aroma.
Happy Saging,
Much Love & Light your Sage! Margeaux
When I answered the phone, he asked about me. How I'm doing. How I'm doing at work. Am I coming to visit him next year. (I'm trying to get as much miles so that I can use partial of it towards my plane ticket.) And when we done with the chitchat, he finally asked how was dad and oldest sis.
As we were closing our conversation, he said, "You're doing good." And then, this is the first time he ever verbalize this (others were by text and 2 emails), "I love you. Bye!" And then he quickly hung up. I was shocked. But happy. If I had a journal, that would have gone to my journal.