
Many of us, myself included, come from a dysfunctional family which adds a lot of weight to the challenges of caregiving. I have read stores on various threads on other topics and decided it would be good to have a thread just for this topic for people to share, vent and discuss.
The idea for this thread originated on the thread named "The Caregiver....How are YOU doing today?"
Oh I am so sorry to hear this, I must have missed a post of your's over the last few days. My youngest brother has this going on with his wife. Any and all communications for a very long time were handled/filtered by her, when it came to the siblings, or our mother, before ALZ.
I will keep you and your mom in my thoughts.
Much Love & Light! Margeaux
Yes, that is a horrific story about your husbands last hospital stay!
When my dad had a stroke, he had it at home. I was there at the time,
and had to handle mother, and the call the paramedics. When we arrived at a hospital that is very close to my parent's house, (but not dad's hospital), for the cancer......dad was wheeled in to the emergency room. A doctor came out, and as mother and I were giving him dad's insurance, medical info., he then turned to me,
and said something or other about, "Why was he going so far away to another hospital, blah di blah?" What kind of question was that, by a so called medical professional. I know the reason was, that the other hospital specialized in Cancer treatment. I was beside myself as it was, since poor dad had his stroke in the shower, and I had to deal w/all of that. Now, had I been in my normal self, I would have told this doctor a thing or two. My dad only ended up there,
because it was a medical emergency! I remember wanting to report his a**, but I just didn't have the where with all, to do that. My dad, in a few days would be taken by ambulance to his other hospital. It appeared that hospital by their home
staff was giving attitude. So my mom, and of course my sister decided to switch dad to where his docs knew him since he'd been getting treatment for cancer.
It's really scary what some of these hospital's, and staff do to people when they are their most vulnerable..
Much Love & Light! Margeaux
Might I add, that I am very, very happy to hear that this hospital staff,
is being so kind, efficient and considerate of you.
Hugs,
Much Love & Light! Margeaux
Daughter and I sought permission to help mother with a cup of tea this afternoon. Permission granted, as long as we thickened it. Much neurotic hand-disinfecting, reading of labels, measuring, careful stirring, etc etc followed. But still! - five minutes later, we had one cup of still reasonably warm, slightly sweetened tea at the ready, even if it did look more like liquidised brownish frogspawn.
Well, mother was more than ready for it. Unfortunately, she was so pleased to get a "hot" drink she had a couple of sips, then took hold of the cup and glugged it back before I could get it away.
The nurses were very kind about it. They did not accuse me of trying to waterboard my mother with a cup of tea, which is what I felt as if I had done. They went so far as to say that her technicolor choking and coughing was actually a good sign, because it's when the cough is absent that you're in real trouble…
And I'm sure they didn't mind at all having to hurtle into the room and hoist a patient upright in her chair for emergency suction like that.
Oh boy. We live and learn.
Sharyn - the older I get the easier it is for me to draw boundaries. It is so necessary at times.
Austin - I hardly send cards anymore - friends keep in touch by email. Speechless at the nh and docs when your hub died.
Margeaux - I will post more on the gift giving. My recommendation to talk about it with her came from "Mr Manners" of USA. Hints don't work with people like that.
Veronica - have you had the procedure? How are you doing?
Daughter has invited me to have Christmas dinner with them as well as tonight. That is nice and about as much socializing as I can handle. One or the other would have been fine. I will make a peach blackberry cobber for dessert. tonight. Got my haircut and coloured by a new person as the girl I used to go to - who was great - has left. Meh, and my hair is flying in every direction with static. I guess he didn't use any conditioner. Oh well. Thankful for small problems.
Have a good day and look after you.
Having a rough year ourselves, wish all of you joy and peace.
We actually had to deal with this or my daughter did when a youngish mother, relative if her hub, brought literally garbage bags full of gifts for my grandchildren and all for birthdays and holidays. How they afforded it is beyond me as they were a young couple with 2 toddlers and not a great deal of money. My daughter was shocked and no way could she and her hub ever keep up with this even had they wanted to, and they didn't. It was not good for the kids for one thing. She and I talked about it and she decided to talk to the young mother, explain her position, which she did and the gift giving went down to a reasonable amount and I don't think anyone was hurt.
I sense that a few of you were shocked when suggested Margeaux talk to her friend. I actually did look it up on line and read what the experts suggest, which is as follows. This only quotes an etiquette expert, but a psychologist in that article says much the same.
Quote - "If you haven’t been encouraging her generosity and you’re an unwilling recipient, Farley advises sitting down with the friend or family member in question, in private, and approaching the conversation with gratitude. Often, he says, the giver has no idea just how offensive her social miscues have been, and having it brought to her attention can feel like a shock.
“You could say something like, ‘I’m so appreciative of your kind gestures—thank you—but I really can’t accept your gifts anymore,’” Farley suggests. It’s simple, to the point, and can prevent hurt feelings.
“You don’t need to give them a list of reasons, either,” advises Thomas P. Farley (aka “Mister Manners”), a New York City-based manners expert and author.”
Looks like we did the right thing. It worked out anyway and no more discomfort or overgiving.
I backed out of supper tonight as the gut bug wars have flared. Looking forward to making tomorrow. Have a good evening everyone. Merry Christmas to one and all.
I used to buy Tshirts for my brothers where ever I traveled - London, Korea, Hong Kong, etc... with my own money. When you have 3 brothers, 2 sisters and numerous neices/nephews - tshirts made great gifts to my brothers and nephews. Then one day, my older brother complained in front of everyone that all I ever got for him was Tshirts. After that complaint, I stopped buying for my brothers. Plus, I realized that I never saw them wear the shirts that I bought. Dad was the only one who wore the shirts I brought.
I would have problem telling someone face-to-face to stop giving me gifts. I'd look so guilty and uncomfortable. Then I will end up saying weakly, "It's okay if you still want to keep giving, though." to avoid hurting her feelings.
P.S. about your brother, my oldest bro is like that. When mom was dying and all the sibs flew back, oldest bro came to visit us - but only in the front porch. Talk, talk, talk. After mom died and we were arguing over her funeral arrangement, oldest bro got angry and cried in front of us. Told us to stop it. I was shocked to see him Crying. Later, I found out that oldest bro never came in to see mom while she was dying. He may have lived next door, but he never came in to visit mom for months. The only time he saw mom was when we called the ambulance and he came over to help the paramedics. FYI... the one time mom became 'coherent' among us siblings, she looked directly to her favorite - my oldest brother - and not to any of us. Scared him silly because even then, years ago, he never visited her. Imagine his guilty conscience - to not say his goodbye or to even Look at mom while she was alive.
I don't know if your brother will end up like my brother. I hope he wises up and visits your mom - rather than when it's too late and she's not here to hear him. It's like everyone said here. You can't force your brother. Just keep updating him and leave it to him to decide. No guilt on you. It's now all on his shoulders. {{{HUGS}}
So, had a very pleasant night here, invited a neighbor, the one that called my twisted ones pretzels, used to babysit for her daughters when I was in high school. Also had Mom's Saturday caregiver here and she is spending the night. These two women I do not know what I would do without! They are both so supportive and kind, what sisters should be to one another.
So, all of you non-Scandinavians out there have a pleasant day tomorrow. I so appreciate every one of you!
God jul og godt nytt år.
And Happy New Year to you too! Isn't google amazing?! ;)
Sharyn, do you remember posting to Margeaux in November 2013 on how to transfer her photos from the digital camera to her computer? At the time, I didn't even know how to use the digital camera, much less how to download the photos. So, I copied and pasted your advice. Today, I wanted to transfer the photos taken in Las Vegas in 2010 onto my laptop so that I can free up some space on the camera. I went to my file notes of your advice, and followed it exactly. You were very accurate in explaining it step-by-step. It was so simple to follow, I actually did it!!! I wish you can also show me how to adjust the darn digital camera. I asked several people today and they're no longer familiar with digital cameras. Only with their cell phones. However, fave niece showed me how to file. I hope I remember the next time! I forgot to write it down. Anyway, thanks soooo much for your detailed instructions! I finally benefited from it today. =)
community of friends here, where we share many things and information about our lives!
Cheers!
Much Love & Light! Margeaux
WOW! Thanks! O.K., let's see whether I can muster up the courage to say something like this to her. She's a very moody woman, and I'm afraid to say that if I bring it up in this manner, it could really affect our friendship. Believe me, I do like her, but I also feel in this case it speaks to her spending habits, which are not good.
The relationship to money is somewhat off, especially right now. I have seen her go through enormous amounts of money, and even lose lots of it, because she gets involved in stupidity.
Thanks,
Much Love & Light! Margeaux
Yes, I have already been looking in our local thrift store.
I refuse to get sucked into this. She has a terrible attitude about money, I already know this fact about her also. Another detail.........I find it rather rude of people to be actually talking about the dollar amount budget they supposedly have to spend on gifts, especially in a time of frugality for so many people. Personally, I thought that was a weird comment made by her, a few weeks ago.
I'm getting something she'll just have to like, and if she doesn't that's HER problem.
Much Love & Light! Margeaux
She may just receive some homemade cookies.
I am not going to be controlled by this!
Much Love & Light! Margeaux
and mom's plans were, and to see when I could deliver their gifts. My stress was
lessened when she told me that she, the daughter, kids, and everybody over there have been down w/flu bugs. They got flu shots, too about a month ago. She says they've all been passing it to one another, and the only one who hadn't been affected is mother, so that was good news.
So my husband and I just went to a neighbor's gathering for dinner, which was
nice, that we didn't have to drive somewhere. This morning I'm up early and
have my tamale preparation in progress. We'll have those tonight.
I'm making some green chile and cheese ones, and if I've time some sweet ones.
That's the kind of thing I enjoy doing on a holiday.
Hope everyone is cozy, having maybe some eggnog, or beverage of their choice.
I'm hoping I can find Masterpiece Theatre today, with episodes I've missed-re-runs
of past seasons of Downton Abbey. I've been watching it, because I want to catch up for the upcoming season. I've become a fan.
Much Love & Light! Margeaux