The Caregiver & Dysfunctional Families: How are you doing?

Yesterday I visited my Dad. It was so sad when I got home I cried all night for he and his wife. His wife has Alz in the severe stage now. Dad is legally blind and very deaf and is recovering from an ulcer. Mostly he is devastated and heart broken over losing his beloved to Alz and the nursing home. I took Dad grocery shopping trying to get him to eat vegetables and healthy things. He took me out for dinner. Then I took him to see his wife. She had gone down hill even from a month ago. Dad didn't know how to be with her at all because he couldn't hear the gibberish she was uttering. We walked her up and down the depressing hall. Watched her not eat the supper. I watched Dad hold her. He was crying. His beloved was telling us how scared she was. Sad, sad. I stayed up all night wondering what I could do. Any suggestions?

I suggested to my Dad before I drove home: find a friend, take care of yourself now, do you want a kitten or doggie? He had a big print book and a device where he could read. I can get him some fun books perhaps. I was thinking of a pretty hairbrush and scented lotion for his sweetheart. I'll have to visit soon again.

My heart goes out to all of you who are dealing with Alz and demented people. What a tough passage of life! Keep the flame of your love burning.
I gave my Dad a homework assignment: 10 minutes of happy something a day.

Juddha, that's a difficult and heart wrenching story of you and your dad's day. You both deserve a HUG. {HUGS}

Thanks Book. Yah. Well to recover I am taking Mom to her favorite dress store and we'll explore a new restaurant with a massive salad bar. Feeling better already!
I don't have trouble remembering to have SOME fun every single day doing something. Best to you!

Juddha so sad. So much you want to do, so little seems to help. All your Dad can do is keep loving her , hold help whisper in her ear. Help her to eat, little spoonfuls of her favorite foods, just taste nothing that needs chewing. She has forgotten what food is or how to eat. Take the scented lotion, nothing too fragrent maybe a hint of lavender. Warm it and rub her with when you visit. Think about how pleasant it is to have your own back rubbed. If it disturbs her stop. Try reading to her or at least your dad can. She knows and loves his voice. It is easier to read than try to talk. If she likes music play something softly in the background. Make sure she has a soft lap robe. Acknowlege her fear for her and Dad. They are both scared of what is to come.
For Dad a kitty would be a very good idea. try and find a mature cat that that appears very friendly and will sit on his lap and snuggle at night. I would avoid a resue but visit cats that people can't take because they are moving. Go at least twice and take the kitty on your lap. be prepared to adopt it yourself if later if needed. Visit as much as you can Dad really needs you now. Make sure she has a priest or minister visit if she was a practising person.

Sharynmarie,

That's absolutely the drama queen manuever, isn't it?
This just goes to show/reinforce your sister's penchant to stir it up, like they say....
throw the bone in the soup! Sham on her! She can't even think ahead about how this could affect your mother, thereby causing you problems.

I hope this doesn't affect your taking Midget to the facility!
Quite selfish of her.

That little cat Pucci is very young, and he scratches. I don't know where he's been lately, he hasn't come to visit.

Much Love & Light! Margeaux

Judda,

My heart goes out to you too!
Do you think that maybe it's time for your dad to be in touch with some Aging Care
organizations, like Braille, Meals on Wheels all of that? I don't know what age your dad is, but he may be needing this kind of assistance at some point. You have your hands full with your mom, and then I'm assuming that you don't live very close to him, either.

I think a cat would be wonderful.
I'll keep you and your's in my thoughts! Margeaux

Margeaux~Bingo...sis is a drama queen, she even told me our mom would have to be isolated...I asked "why", she said she may have rabies!! I have records showing Midget has been vaccinated regularly for rabies. Sis said, they don't that!!! I said, if it is reported to the police, they will investigate, once I show Midget is safe, they will know it. Sis you better pray Midget nor the cat is removed from my home or that I can't bring Midget for visits.

Sharyn, so younare visiting your daughter and family now? Or is that still coming up? If there, tell us about those babies!

I have the shakiest hands I've ever seen. Today, as I watched my nieces and bro's gf take photos from my albums, I realized how steady Their hands are. Niece had her her left arm cradling her newborn, the album on her lap, and while she held her cell phone over each photo, her hubby would click on the button. OMGoodness!! And here I am, distorting my body, trying to fit the photo into the viewfinder of the digital. Niece just snaps the photos like nothing. I asked her what about the white background of the album and the other partial pictures next to it. She said that she will just enlarge and crop the pictures. Huh? I can do that? You mean I didn't have to bend this way, that way, move the album here, there, angle this way, that way - to avoid the glare from the ceiling light?! "Yes, Aunty. You just have to crop it before you transfer it to the laptop." sigh.... Okay...no more taking photos. I'm going to google - how to take photos using a digital... tips on taking photos with digital / cell phones...

Book you can't be an expert in everything. You are an expert in eldercare and at your job. Many people can't do that. I am sure your neice got a lot of please from helping you out. Nice change from changing baby diapers.

Judd they have books on tape-my almost blind friend uses them all the time. I think fragrant soaps and nice smelling powder maybe lavender would be great for the wife

Book I agree you can not be an expert on everything and you can learn from others-I found that with my craft group there are many ladies who can not learn from direction but can learn from others if they are able to teach-some are talented but do not understand how to teach-I can not do a lot but can teach what I do know.

I cant do this anymore I just cant. Its bad enough with grandpa and now dad.. but all this mental illness in my family I just cant do this.

I dont want everyone to know my business but yet, I want people to understand or at least say hey, ok, we all have problems so we can accept that in you. I am tired of explaining and apologizing for everyone in my family. Im just sitting here crying wondering why in the hll God or who ever would make my family suffer so much or what curse we had on us. Why so much suffering for everyone in the world? Why cant people just accept people have issues that may be harder for some to handle .. why?

My grandpa seemed upset I was going to send my dad down to stay with him so I can be with both my kids on Christmas morning, he refused my dad ... and I stayed home. First time since April! I been standing up more and more and just get put down more and more... Aunt says because Im here its all up to me and shes too old to handle it -same ol- well if our rich relatives would want to care for him when they have all their vacations and flying all over the world that would be nice but they frankly dont want to deal with it. I also found some scary secret in our family and if true.. Omg....I dont know how Im going to handle it. I apparently cant plug in a battery right either to charge... I cant heat stuff up right too hot or too cold, I cant read right, I go though to much drama and he loves me and I deserve better and if it wasnt for me hed go nuts, Im the one he can count on over everyone but then it goes back too.... well, if you were like, if you took 5 minutes, if you would open a cookbook and follow a recipe you could cook..you just dont want to..look at... your excuses your ... your kids dont have issues they just dont care...

My daughter promised a girl she was going to the movies today and she refused to go I took away her electronics that she refuses to get off of. I mentioned the possible Asbergers, possible anxiety with her but still, I usually dont force her to go anyway but shes getting worse want to be in her room all day. Drs say shes not depressed. Son omg the same violent attitude. This is still my fault as their dad says because of my moms schizophrenia. Their dad is violent as is all males in their family ... but he denies any is his fault.

I used to be on top of cleaning both homes, having dinners ready with few exceptions... appts ready, calls done ,,errands done, looking for a job.. etc etc now it takes all I can to remember just one thing a day when ten has to be done. Im lucky I still want to shower at this point or even have time..


Sorry all, I really wanted to come here and read but I cant..

Me you are in urgent need of help. you are right on the edge and it would be so sad to see you go over. What I suggest is that you go to the nearest ER preferably one with a psych unit.
Tell them how close to suicide you are. tell them you have Left your children home unsupervised and ask them to call child protective services so arrangements can be made for their care. Let them know the condition of your Dad and grand father so they can also be helped. Let CPS notify your ex about the children. I don't know where you are but it's getting late tonight and it is Sunday so most people will be home. do not tell anyone what you are going to do till you have done it. This is better than the kids comming home from school and finding you on the floor with your wrists cut. Do not go back, you really can't. you don't have the strength to sort this out on your own so just let someone else do it. I don't know if you have inherited any kind of mental illness but you are not capable of continuing. it is not going to be easy but once you have taken the first step it will get easier if you can just let professionals do what needs to be done, Blessings.

Me I hope you listen to Veronica - you do need help

Im not suicidal and I dont have a mental disability. But I am burn out and stressed, maybe a little depressed and or feeling sorry for myself as usual. .I dont need CPS.. my children are not in danger and them going to their alcoholic etc father would not help them or me. I am sorry Im so upset but I never said I was suicidal..I just cant keep caring for all the people with physical and or mental disabilities in my life. My two kids are about it and hopefully.. when they get better.. I can sometimes help others in my family. But I just have too much to handle and their kids/cousins etc needs to step in cuz I got my own family. I mean, of course Ill check on my family visit etc.. but not hands on all time I cant.

Im sorry I came off wrong Im just in denial that so much drama can happen in my family ya know? Plus others families having to deal with this or other things. I appreciate your concern but i promise..Im not gonna kill myself and hasnt even crossed my mind. Honestly... I feel bad even thinking of moving out of town but other places may have a better job opps and better DRS for my kids and some paps and mamograms for me. My gpa will have to hire help or move to VA and my dad can come or stay and my sis can stay with dad, I just need time for me and my kids now. And a job. I can handle so much and they come first. I just dont know where to start .. I mean every single dr seems as if they have all these diagnoses for my kids and none can agree!

hugs

I am not suicidal!!! I word things wrong apparently and am sorry for that... I was crying and was just not thinking to be exactly perfect on details as I usually am. Im sorry once again.

Do I need help? Yes!!!!!! Caring for grandpa and getting a job so I can pay my own way and move. See if I move... better Drs hopefully and job even if for a years or so.... even if its a back and fourth job..Plus Im losing the stress of neighbors extra put downs.. etc .. I am just meaning I dont know how to get there... I tell my aunt to come help and NO GO!!! So I told her OH WELL if I leave for a week on vacation or job daily if he doesnt hire someone.. already told rest family I need to work on things with me and my kids.. But other then that I cant do anymore until I get a job? Thats what I meant!!!

I even Volunteered for two hours again!!!

Me1000~I do not see where anyone said you were suicidal so lets just take that off the plate ok. We that come from a dysfunctional family inherit a long list of emotional issues 1)We learn to react in fear and angry before fully understanding the issue at hand. Having said that, I sense that you are afraid to get help for fear that you will be blamed for everything. Am I right??? This is a normal reaction even for non dysfunctional people...that is if you can find one!!! You are only human, you cannot carry the weight of your family issues by yourself...it is unrealistic to think you can and unrealistic of your family to expect it. In a dysfunctional family, hiding the truth even normal legal truths is their mode of action because of the emotional shame of being normal when you are excepted to be PERFECT!!! Who is PERFECT??? Only Jesus/God!!

What is more important to you, protecting the family dysfunction, allowing it to continue to be a part of your life and possibly losing your children to foster care/police action???....or is it more important to have the courage to ask and seek the help you need for yourself and children??

Call the Area Agency on Aging in your county, ask for a social worker. Explain to the social worker the situation with your grandfather and dad. Tell your dad and grandfather you are no longer available to serve them at this time!!!! Your well being demands it, your children's well being demands it!!!! Then call Big Brother's and Big Sister's, make arrangements for both your children to receive a mentor who can spend positive time with them. You need to get counseling to help to think and see the world in a healthy way, learn coping skills. This does not mean you are mentally ill or mentally disabled...it just means you have dysfunctional thinking and family members. I hope you understand the difference between this and being mentally disabled. If you do not take steps to save yourself and your children...it will get worse and you could end up losing your children to the state. You do have Choices...so start making them. God Bless You!!!

Book~I think it is great you are looking into other interests like photography!! Few of us ever get to be an expert....having fun and getting pleasure is the key!! Is your camera a point and shoot or an SLR?? A point and shoot is usually a small retangular camera that has no lens attachments for it. An SLR has zoom lens, wide angle lens and macro lens plus many others. I ask because you say you are having press the shutter down half way first (this allows the camera to focus without blur, and you to see it before the final step of shooting the frame) My SLR is the same. There are many websites with info on the technicalities involved. If you have window has your operating system you should have a photo gallery where you can upload photos for storing as well as some editing capabilities. Please remember that with a digital camera, editing is very important just as a darkroom is for film photography. Windows photo gallery should provide lighting,. color, contrast and cropping for you. This is not cheating, it is the same as if you were developing film in a darkroom but you do it on computer.Of course there are editing programs you can download like photoshop, photoshop elements, or darkroom that give you more editing options. Elements and/or darkroom is what I recommend as photoshop is very expensive and most of it you would not use. It can be a very expensive hobby but research will show you how to use your cell phone or other digital cameras without all the expense.. Explore and learn...as long as you are enjoying it./.....go for it!!

I had a horrible night as the last time I used my computer was the 24th. I logged on yesterday only to find that google was gone...I could not find it even after restoring my computer. I had a virus called Vesteron. I paid some bucks to get my computer restored and I am not totally sure I was not taken advantage of...must look into that and possibly get something other than McAfee. One fee after another???Is this reasonable and normal when already paying for a subscribtion??? I am not sure I will do any online ordering again.

The other thing is my posts are showing out of order with the dates posted. Even after restoring my computer.

Glad ~I have my vacation during the week of Jan 5ht. Hopefully it will go off without a hitch this time as I have 2 co-workers who have unfortunately experienced a death in the family.

Sharyn, vosteran is not a virus it is malware that will hijack your searches. I had it on my computer too when using IE. I spent a couple of days with an online free help recommended by McAfee. Got rid of it, which wasn't too difficult because I follow written instructions quite well. Then I also noticed it was a tab on my Google Chrome where I was just able to turn it off in the settings options, addons, I think.

Vosteran appears on a tab and as an internet search engine. But it actually takes control and limits searches. Does the developer have a client base that pay to have their company appear in the list of search results? Who the heck knows!

And you need to be careful about updates downloaded to your computer. Look at the licensing info closely because I think Vosteran came when I updated Google Chrome since it can be deactivated in settings. When updating look at the advanced options and uncheck anything you do not want installed.

Sharyn, when I had Vosteran, my google search did not disappear, though. And Vosteran actually looks like the google search window. So it is a tricky devil taking on a google look and is something else entirely.

I want to announce that I learned how to say no and feel fine about it. I got tested again, this time was with my Dad. I really feel for him with all his troubles but when he asked if I can come once a week, I had to say no. I live over an hour and half away and am the sole person to be around for my other parent, plus am self employed and always struggling for money, and with my own health.

My sister, lives 1500 miles away, offered to call him for support and comfort every day or alternate with me calling, just so he can have talk to us. He also has his wife's family where he lives but he is frightened and lonely. His wife just got admitted to a NH for Alz and he is beside himself with grief. I offered to go at least once a month or sooner but I could not commit to once a week. I usually spend at least twice a week with my mom making sure she has what she needs.

Finding resources to call upon on the internet, enlisting others to visit the elder, all are ways to help and also take care of oneself.
'
Took me 5 years but I am learning; and thanks to this site and all of you!

Thank you for helping me grow, cope, and keep my sanity. My life situation is still a piece of cake compared to many of yours.

New Year's resolutions for moi: develop patience and control over my knee-jerk sensitivities, let go of past grudges and obsessions, use my creativity to help others, take better care of myself, let go of guilt completely, meditate more, and learn to enjoy my parents while they are still here.

Now off to see my closest friends for a New Year's eve out. Relaxation and friendship here I come!

Love to all of you!

Not out the door yet. I called Mom to check on how she is doing today. She was obsessing over something totally unimportant making a mountain out of a mole hill. Old me: Oh geez there she goes again. Shall I jump in and see if I can fix her? New me responding in a warm voice: Mom, us creative types LOVE problems to solve. Is this one really important?

I offered ways she could deal with this "problem" on her own. She was satisfied.
"Oh I feel so much better just talking to you."

Yeah, well, that's the rescue portion of her pattern that she keep evoking others to play in. So I just learned I don't have to be upset, get concerned with her, get obsessive for her, etc, etc.

Yahoo. Learning to be free starts with me. Somehow I always knew this!
:)

I took some vacation time from work and the internet and BOY was that great! I hope the holidays were kind to you this year. This is always such a tough season for normal, well adjusted, completely healthy people!

I did get to do one fun thing with my kids. We went to the American Swedish Institute "castle" on Christmas Eve. We toured the mansion and ate a little lunch in the visitor's center. It was lovely. Each room in the mansion has been decorated by an interior designer to represent one of the Scandinavian countries. Some are modern and others are not. There were musicians and all the decorations really did help me get in the Ho Ho Ho mood. It didn't look very Christmasy here because of the snow drought. It was quite brown until the other day when we got just a little bit of white stuff.

Visited mom on Christmas Day. She has pneumonia which is not a shock. Her low functioning kidneys can't clear out the fluid/edema, so it has to go somewhere. She is so puffy all over. You can really see it in her face. No wrinkles. She is now on antibiotics, oxygen, and nebulizer. All she wants to do is lie flat and not move. I'm sure she is really uncomfortable with all the swelling.

She won't try to move at all. I can't tell if she is truly totally immobile or just uninterested in trying and therefore immobile. At any rate, she's immobile at this point. She won't even try to cough to clear her chest or throat. It's the most horrible gurgling rasping sound I ever heard. It was really difficult for my teens to sit there and visit with this woman who sounds like there's a coffee percolater in her chest. She was too tired to talk. I can't tell if she has lost the reflex to cough or what. When somebody has been mega-ultra stubborn their entire life, it is impossible to tell what they are or are not in control of anymore.

They moved her to the end of the hallway to a quieter room. This is usually the signal event at the beginning of what I've noticed is a cycle we've repeated about 3 times now. In every unit she's been in, she gets moved down to the "quiet end". Then something happens and she ends up in the hospital, then rehab, then to the next care level. Except this time there is no next care level other than hospice.

I wonder if she'll be able to beat the pneumonia if her kidneys are low functioning. If your body can't expel or pee out the fluid, it stays and can continue the bacterial infection. And that puts extra strain on her heart, her kidneys, her liver, and all we can do is stand back and try to treat what is treatable. The dementia is just an aggravating factor at this point, making her hard to deal with and unable to understand what needs to be done and why.

Whew. I know they call Pneumonia the "old man's friend" for a reason, but that is not how I want to go out.

This describes my situation. I am living with my elderly mother who needs to be with me or she will need to be put in an assisted living facility. She has severe mood swings and sees a psychiatrist, however, she has good days and bad days and when she is having a bad day I do my very best to avoid being around her, and not be emotionally affected. Her memory is such that she will frequently forget her outbursts. My two sisters who do not live here call occasionally but are useless for support -- we were a very dysfunctional family when I was a child So to answer your question I am fine as long as i remember 1. to never get angry or feel I have to "put my mother in her place" by responding to her aggressive and irrational outbursts which do not happen all the time 2. To remember to leave and avoid being around her until she calms down 3. To keep my personal space and take breaks (she can get a caregiver) by leaving the premises here if I have to for a few days. Its good if I do all this.

Happy Post Christmas everyone. Phew, we made it through! Hoping you all had more than a few moments of joy and peace.
My Christmas was more relaxing than I've ever known, since I've gone to the bare minimum contact with my mother. This entire year (from late 2013 through now), she's stopped birthday and holiday cards to me, along with the check she would usually enclose. I was more than fine with this - it was liberating, and I followed her lead and also renounced her and my brother's birthday which were in August. I did send her a flower arrangement over Thanksgiving (since we only speak when absolutely necessary), but she didn't acknowledge it. The week before Christmas though, she sent my husband and me EACH a holiday card, with a small check--EACH. I followed her lead again and did not acknowledge it, but I did send her a Christmas gift basket. And so it goes...
My brother left me a voice mail with his new phone number and wished me a happy holiday. I know it's very weird for functional families to grasp, but this is the most I could ask for. Civility, good wishes, and absolute minimal contact. That's the gift that keeps on giving :)
I have a minor facebook issue--I like fb for maintaining contact with friends and family that you would lose touch with otherwise, but it just bugs me when people feign interest/concern. They'll say "I hope all is well with your mother!" Instead of "How is your mother?" A longtime friend of my mother's did this, but last night, instead of messaging me privately, she just commented under a silly cartoon that I posted "This is the first year I haven't heard from your mother! I miss her!!" I decided to be "out" about her dementia status, and so I replied for everyone to see that my mother has dementia and I'm handling her affairs. Then I logged off until this morning. She commented back a little while ago, "Should I get in touch with you then, before visiting her?" I said "That'd be great :)". I'm not going to hold my breath.
I notified this woman's daughter in June about what was going on, so I find it rather odd that she'd be completely uninformed, but it's possible.
My mother's extended family and her very small circle of friends do not demonstrate much concern. I don't blame them because my mother was not a very nice person, but whenever moments like these pop up, it gives me a lonely feeling.
Anyway, onward to 2015. Her dr's appts are scheduled with her new neurologist, whom I really like, and it's time to get going on her tax prep! Fun fun ;)

Looloo - I got so tired of the "where's your mom?" kind of questions from family who know gosh darn well where she is and why that I wrote a letter and put it in the Christmas cards to them this year. A six page exposition on the past year's events they need to know about. It will either shut them up or cause them to pay better attention. I also mailed this letter to her former "friends" and people who knew our family way back when. (Friend meaning here someone who was willing to talk to her once or twice a year.)

I did hear from one of the two aunts who keep in contact with me. Another aunt (the most antagonistic one) sent a Christmas card to mom c/o our house, and simply signed her name on it this time. (Versus the passive aggressive note she wrote in the last card.)

I really don't know what people think it means when somebody comes down with a dementia disease and has to move into care. I guess some can't deal with it so they go away and others are just totally clueless.

((((((Me))))) you didn't sound suicidal to me - just fed up and burned out. I certainly encourage you to get away from all the dysfunction. Sharyn had some good ideas. Getting a hold of a social worker and letting him/her know all that is going on and that you cannot continue is a good idea. I agree with Veronica that professionals should take over. You are in an abusive situation. Gpa will continue to jerk you around as long as you are there. It is common that when you stand up to a narcissist their behaviour will escalate. In time, when he sees it is not working it may improve or it may not. I am glad you spent time with your kids even when he called you. It must be very hard with him and the neighbours putting you down all the time. Frankly I think you and the kids deserve better. Is there a women's shelter in the area? They can help you get on your feet. Good for you for volunteering.

sharyn - hope you got rid of the malware and your holiday works out. I have been thinking about what your sis pulled. So typical - magnify a problem then walk away and leave someone else to deal with it and plead innocence. Hope it has settled down.

book - Sharyn gives great descriptions. I am sure you will catch on.

Margeaux - re your mother not getting sick, me being a hermit may be paying off. G had pneumonia, my daughter had it too, her hub had bronchitis, youngest grandson and the rest were on antibiotics, the only ones who escaped are me and gdaughter. G and my daughter are not recovering quickly either, but I am trucking along.

judda - Well done!!!. They catastrophize so much. Keep calm, cool, and collected and don't let it get to you. So sorry about your dad, but there is no way you can make that trip once a week - too much, We all have things to bear and that is his. Sounds like the phone calls will help. You can only do what you can, and no one can take away his reality, which isn't great.

sandwich - so glad you had a good break. Christmas Eve sounds like it was great. Your mum may be pretty ill. As you say there is no other level to go to except hospice. My aunt went from pneumonia aged 93. She was not in very bad health, but had dementia.

eddi - Welcome! Sounds like you have figured out what you have to do to survive caregiving your mother. It is especially complicated and difficult when mental illness is involved. Come back and let us know how things are. Keep taking those breaks.

loo - wonderful that your Christmas was relaxing. Sounds like you have the gift thing figured out and almost no contact is working Hope your mum likes the neurologist too.

re the "how is your mum" question. in our sphere, no one is asking and I sense that they really don't want to know. She used to have contact with extended family by email, letter and phone and there has been very little contact back to her in the last year. If course, she may have exaggerated the interest people had in keeping in touch with her. I will send out a global email and a couple of letters for those without email, with a very short note and let them know her new address once she moves. They can take it from there.

Feeling the loss of friends. Over a year since my girlfriend died. Then this Christmas my mil is in hospital and not well at all. I heard from my ex and he says she looks pretty rough. I guess at my age it is to be expected. I had started making some new friends in E'ton but haven't had the head space to keep it up. This has been a tough year and I am hoping next year will be better, though the move will be in the beginning of it, and then disposing of rest of mother's things is a big job. Looking after me has to be a priority in all this.

Many blessings to all. Do something good for you.