The Caregiver & Dysfunctional Families: How are you doing?

Countrymouse,

I'm very sorry to hear about your mother's stroke What on earth is SIL talking about?? Hey.....my sister in law makes the very same kind of comments.
Many times there's something just blaring in everyone's face, but they go with some strange details. My SIL has to have a personality disorder of some kind.
She's been like this ever since she married my brother.
I'm ready with a one-liner for my SIL, next time she says something
that has little to do with the truth. That is: "Let's all go and get some barbequed ice cream."

It certainly sounds as if this doctor is good. If he thinks that someone may have said something innappropriate to your mom to make her think she needs to leave because there may not be enough hospital beds, that shows that he is concerned
what staff maybe be carelessly saying in front of your mom. Although of course I understand what you're saying that she reads too many papers. So is she prone to sensationalism?

Oh your brother......he's a real piece of work, isn't he?

So I guess that they would like to get your mom doing some of the rehab immediately? O.K., Countrymouse, I'm thinking of you and mom.

Hang in there,
Hugs,
Much Love & Light! Margeaux

I thank you all for the advice and been trying baby steps to get on my feet and I am not counting on anything after grandpas death. I mentioned what he has promised but I never counted on it and it was under all aunts control anyways. Worried esp bout my kids education funds, yes but we would deal with it ( they have huge adjustment issues with schools esp daughter so it will be heck but we will do what we can) just as we would having no where to go. Of course I dont want that to happen I need back place to live most impt. Monthly is the big counting on him because I dont have a job. But even when I did have little money and pay for a few bills.. it was still all his rules. Even after I became a mom all his and families rules... who I can have over and when, what time etc for my kids etc etc.

As I mentioned before I dont mind helping family I dont expect nothing back but thank yous, respect and some hands on help.. none of which I get without a put down few minutes or next day after they do so. Now that he needs more hands on care then ever... family is no where to be found!!!!

Sister today told me" well you have all the patience and caring and your there" blah blah for all the times we hear this in life and all of us here on this forum heard from our families!! We would be rich. Yes again, some people arent cut out or can only handle so much. Thats ok. But theres plenty of things EVERYONE can do even if its simply making dr appts!!! Ordering stuff online.. as you all mentioned to others here but still the hands on is extremely stressful. Idk if I could or would be handling it better if my kids didnt have mental health issues and my dad didnt have health issues. Maybe I could handle a smidge better.

Once again Im sooo stupid I have to be showed and told over and over how to plug and unplug a power wheel battery into the outlet!!!!! I know at this point in my life that I am beyond stupid and can not do even simple tasks such as screwing in bulbs, plugging in batteries...cleaning a bucket /trashcan etc etc. So no wonder no one wont hire me!!!! Hes mad Im there mainly at night now and here there days. So average lately 9 hrs maybe 10. Rare 8 hrs. Has gone to 18/20 hours. But 8hrs is enough time to give my care giving love isnt it? Im already not with one child... I know he needs company and not just drop ins thats why he needs to hire people! I know a job is my answer I thought, and others say here.. is it really?

When I volunteered I couldnt even get the leash around the dogs coming out of the kennel I was scared Id let them loose. Walking into kennels same thing. What scares me is that animals were my passion I mentioned I wanted to be a vet ( to old and no way I could pass it now) but I had confidence then.. when I speak Im not clear, my handwriting is bad, my math skills are bad, bilingual im not, and I cant type fast. So where does this leave me? Patience? HAHAHA. Am I a people person? Used to be but now I just fear talking with people and when I have too, I have nothing new to share...then my weight Im tired of it and the comments I get. Oh dont forget, driving scares me to the point of no return. Soooo Ya.. sorry having another self pitty moment here. So I do I get any skills back, any confidence back?

Sorry All , I do hope you all take care of yourselves( I know easier said then done) thank you all for all the hugs too... hugs back I love ya all!!!!

OK I am screaming! Ts2, poa, is out of control! Asked me to call Comcast last week to see if I could get the 180 a month reduced. I reminded her she is POA and that she should be the one to take care of that, not me. But it involved a trip to Comcast with the POA and with her busy schedule, well you know. Comcast would only reduce $40 so I decided to call Century Link and DirectTV to see their prices. Direct has an equivilent package for $100 less. Ts2 still wanted to stay with Comcast! WHAT! L would like to save the 100 a month. So, ts decided to check into antennas so free tv, and said that Mom and L only watch channels that come through the air anyway. WHAT?! How the heck would she know? All the time she spends here? NOT! And did not even consider that maybe L the competent one might want the additional channels. I guess he is not important enough for her to run her plans through. So tonight I told him about her plan. He said "What", and it was not a hard of hearing " What". LOL. So i emailed ts to tell her we are calling on the directtv deal tomorrow and that L's name will go on it and he will pay the bill, naturally that is what he wants to do. Reminds me of a chat with auntie dearest a couple of years ago. She was pushing for a facility and thought facility living would be cheaper than staying at home. This is when everybody thought, except me and L, that he and mom would be able to share an apartment in spite of him telling everybody that he could not and would not be able to provide the care my Mom needs.

Just unbelieveable! Save $100 a month. What ts keeps saying is she needs to research it more. She uses the work digest, or phrase "get a handle on it" frequently, and she is supposed to have these reports done in just over two weeks. How the heck?! She cannot even figure out what to do about cable tv and she is supposed to report on the trust! Not a chance, what the he!!!

Just needed to vent! Thank you all for that!

Glad - Ts2 - power play? Sounds like it to me. She wants you to do it, you can't (but to her it's you Won't), therefore she takes her sweet time dealing with it. Oh, I know, let's turn the knife while making your lives miserable - by coming up with this great idea of saving more money by using the antennas on the 'free' channels! Ts2 won this round. Be careful, Glad, that she doesn't continue to do this on any future requests - where L gets frustrated and decides that he will pay for that too. The more he pays for stuff, the less spending that Ts2 controls of the account. Just keep alert in case she decides to do this again.

Book, you may be right, I will watch it. What I think all of this is about is twisteds wanting to make things so unsafe and uncomfortable here that they should be moved. Since the guardian believes Mom is best at home in my care the twisted ones are now making gestures to have docs, etc make determination that L is not safe at home. Talk yesterday that L needs to get to doc sooner than scheduled based on exaggerated info from twisted, including a cognitive test. We have retained a care manager for L because this has become so crazy! Hmmm, any angle twisteds may think they "have or don't have a handle on". After hearing twisteds called auntie dearest to tell her that L had had seizures and strokes then I was accused of not telling L's daughter about it. First there were not seizures and he had had mini strokes about a year ago. He asked me to keep his medical information private except with his daughter. So, when the TIA's were diagnosed last year, naturally I told his daughter and she made a quick trip here from the east coast. Oh and twisteds were upset about that since they wanted to entertain while his daughter was here and I did not tell them about the visit. She was here to see her Dad, not party with twisteds! The two of them need to get a life and just realize that mom and L are very happy at home and safe.

Oh and a side note. L's mdpoa's have been changed a couple of times since I have been here. The first time my Mom was taken off, what the he!!, and I was put on in the first position, with ts2 as successor. Isn't that lovely. Well all this got crazy and L did not want ts2 with her hate and vindictiveness to have any control over anything of his life! At least he sees it and reminder twisted ones paid a deposit on a very small apartment over a year ago for the two of them to share when they had been told by L that he would not be able to provide care Mom needs. He must think these are the nightmare step children often portrayed in books and on tv. I do not even think of him as stepdad since he and mom didn't get married until eight years ago. Unbelieveable!

Glad - ugh. Just ugh ugh ugh. Can't cope with any more cheese-paring conclusion jumping look how brilliant I am with the money see me manage sisters. UGH!!!

Or this recurrent sentimental theme of how desperate our looked after ones are to spend time with their children (who most of the time choose to remain blithely ignorant of their existence). If our parents really depended emotionally on their presence and attention and the occasional grudging invitation, they'd be right up the creek without a paddle, wouldn't they? Ugh.

Oo I'm all wound up now. But at least mine should be off the radar for a few weeks, thank goodness - time to concentrate on mother's rehab without mad fat trolls or SuperCritics sabotaging her. Deep breaths! If only we could "just ignore them and they'll go away."

Cm, maybe I can arrange for a one way trip somewhere far, far away. I I am wondering about a cease and desist order related to L and medical care. We sure as heck are not going to have two mdpoas by committee in this house!

Glad - I won't go off Comcast for TV because we have to contract with them for internet anyway. Going to DirectTV wouldn't gain us anything really. So we stay with Comcast for the interenet, phone, tv bundle.

There really is research to do, and more than just TV access to take into account. DirectTV can't replace the phone & internet pieces.
Hope this helps!

Glad,

This is unbelievable! It's good to hear in the midst of al of this
that L has had the opportunity to opine on this matter.
These cable companies are such rip off's too.

Hugs,
Much Love & Light! Margeaux

Em;jo,

I spoke to my sister a day ago. I was trying to see whether enough people in their household have recovered from the flu, so I could visit mother. But unfortunately,
now mom has the bug., although it didn't hit her too hard, I hope it remains that way. Yes, with eight people living in one house, I guess it's next to impossible for a 92 yr. old, not to get it.

That is really weird what you've written about sending those flowers.
You'd think at the very least the company would send a notice that they have been delivered.

How's G doing? I hope he is feeling better, and very happy to hear you are steering clear from the bug.

Much Love & Light! Margeaux

Caring is about relationships. What has helped me a great deal is focusing on what I can do/am doing for an elder. I let go of the idea that immediate family would ever proactively get involved on their own. Apart from the family we emerge from it never seems to grow on the continuum we expect it to. With caring for my own parents and parents of close friends, the best solution is to focus upon your individual relationship with those you care for. The work you do will flow through in every conversation you have. While caregiving is not focused upon you as an individual, focusing on the individual you care for and clearly communicating using constructive feedback helps. Transcending the relationship from adult child to care partner is never easy but establishing a realistic, open, honest partnership with the elder you care for often helps. By placing focus upon the person you care for and not your individual needs for help from family, that individual elder will begin to see their situation through your eyes even with mild to moderate dementia. We can never control the actions of our negligent siblings and family members because their relationships to aging parents are outside of us. Holding an open honest realistic conversation with the elder wecare for and ababout will influence positive outcomes. Not always getting what we want as caregivers is the answer. Ask your elder what they want from whom and ask them to think about how those tasks and needs are being met. Give them the permission to self determine the roles and realities with which family relationship roles are being fulfilled. This is called reflection. Be a mirror for your elder to come to their own conclusions. Chances are their aging process and life experiences have prepared them for this moment and our role as caregiver is not to protect them from their frailties it is remind them of the reality of their decisions and what decisions they still have control over. This takes time and consistency but helps self determination and placing closure on relationships throughout the human life cycle opposed to fractured unfinished life business. This is a process and trust takes time especisllypsychological and emotional trust. This is the most rewarding aspect of being a caregiver. Life is not easy and our experiences give us the wisdom to make individual decisions.

Looloo,

It's so great to hear about your year of keeping some distance between you and your mom. Oh......the gift giving, I totally understand, what you are saying about family and how we all relate or don't to one another. I rarely hear from my brothers, and didn't for Christmas. I didn't call them either. I used to be the one,
well aside from my controlling sister to make all the first moves. But I just don't go there anymore! I did go through some hurt feelings about this, but when I thought about it and all that mother had to do with this kind of dysfunction, (the divide & conquer), I can see why things are the way they are.

Much Love & Light Margeaux

Whitefeather, your words are so wise. You have managed to capture what it seems many of us here experience during our better moments. I'm going to put your wisdom up on my mirror , re-read it, and try to practice it frequently til it hopefully becomes an automatic behavioral "don't need to think about it" vocabulary. I see on your profile you are new, and I am so glad you posted this as 2015 begins. Thank you so much.

Sandwich directtv is bundling with century link. Half the cost of comcast!

50's child...you are welcome. I am a retired RN and professional caregiver. We all need help in what works (best practices) but unfortunately the Nursing profession has been distracted away from community health education and the basics of human interaction and its meaning and implication. Glad my experiences can help.

I think instead of just saying Happy New Year that I will wish everyone a Happier New Year!

cmag - Thank you and I will join you in that wish for a Happier New Year for all

whitefeather - I appreciate what you wrote and wish it applied to those with a Personality Disorders and narcissism. I suspect there will always be unfinished life business in families with mental illness. It is part of what we have to learn to live with. I am curious what attracted you to this thread.

Margeaux - I may have a little of the bug too, but not much so far. G is getting better thank you. Made chicken soup which will help. Your gift giving friend is way over the top!!! I got a "thank you for using our service" from the florist - not quite the same as saying that they delivered them successfully.

book - I don't want GPS in anything either. You are making progress with the photos!!!

polly - welcome - do share more of your story when you are ready. On the whole we are a group of survivors and certainly not without personality. "They" say people live lives of quiet desperation, but we are noisy about our desperation! lol

Sharyn - hope you are having fun with the grandbabies.

veronica - read somewhere some changes in whether or not you will have the colonoscopy. Two things 1) do probiotics help? 2) have you tried going gluten free for a couple of weeks.

glad - tws2 is unbelievable!!! She has a lot of nerve and a lot of problems!

cm - rehab!!! Well that must give you a good new year outlook. Hope she makes great progress. and you figure out the logistics. This is nothing, if not challenging.

Me - you must not listen to gpa telling you that you are not capable. Yes, he will have to hire someone and yes, you can get your skills back or develop new ones, and also your confidence.

Sandwich - how is your mother doing? Amazing how thing have changed in the last year or so.

loo - hope all remains quiet on your front. Best wishes for the visit to the neurologist.

G breezed in and out. We will be together in E'ton next week for a while, and I will visit ex mil in hospital. I don't think I can face visiting mother too. Too many feelings to deal with. I have to face that ex mil is on a slippery slope. She has had several incidents this past year and all indications are that her CHF is worsening, She has done very well for years with atrial fib, diabetes, obesity and CHF and no one can go on for ever. I am having memories of my friend's funeral in E'ton last year too. It is very close to a year ago. Dang, this isn't easy, Quiet night here as usual and I hope to be asleep before new year!

Everyone - have a good evening and a better New Year and look after you!

I’d like to explain my reaction to Whitefeather’s piece. It hit me hard precisely because of the cruel and malicious boundary, empathy and shared reality deficits I know and have known in my own family. I used to play a head game when I was a kid, which was if I was being cruelly punished by, for example, my mother throwing dishes at me or trying to burn the house down – I would say to myself something like: “You can take it … show her a better way, be kind to her, get into HER head and forget yourself, you selfish horrible girl. She’s the one that is wronged, not you.” I was about four the first time I started thinking like that. I guess I was a parentified “caregiver” at four.

Whitefeather wrote: “By placing focus upon the person you care for and not your individual needs for help from family, that individual elder will begin to see their situation through your eyes.”

I think I am still quite confused about the eye thing. I can’t possibly know who sees what. I suspect it is much more likely I cannot see things at all EXCEPT through HER eyes, as my eyes were never legitimate. My survival depended upon seeing things through HER eyes. I do not trust my own perceptions. In order to “feel” myself, I have to imagine being inside the head of another. I study others very much, as I feel numb and dumb inside. This is very typical of offspring of the mentally ill. This is why I have done therapy for years, and why am here, you all bring life and hope and real sharing to me. I love your voices, and am trying to find me/mine.

Throughout my life, I honestly believed that by giving over to another, I would find the truth place. That my mother allowed me to live when I gave over, reaffirmed that time and time again. To me, Whitefeather seemed to be alluding to that kind of giving over, which is terribly familiar to me. Perhaps Whitefeather meant something entirely different, but I took in what she was writing as a very personal quest. Finding truth now, in adulthood, by consciously giving up the self is very different than UNconsciously giving up the self, as a child in an abusive relationship has to do to survive. I was very intrigued by what she suggested, as I swear I have met, for brief seconds, in a shared place with my Mom, when we both recognized something solid in each other in an unspoken way, even while Mom’s world was crashing down around and she was lashing out. Maybe that was just wishful thinking.

If your abusive parent is the emperor without clothes, and wants it that way – you’d better agree with their point of view as your life depends on it. As Faye Dunaway said in Mommie Dearest – “When you say that I want you to mean it.” Such merging is sick, but it can be all there is for a child. And it changes the brains of those children, forever.

During Mom’s death, I crumbled and once again, gave over to her, only to learn it didn’t matter to her – I was on my own. To this day I cannot understand how anyone on earth could have been so tormented, and inflicted so much hatred, including wishing the deaths of her own children. I feel nauseous that there could not have been one moment during our entire time on earth as relatives, when she calmly and lovingly acknowledged me. I wanted to save her, and more, to save The Her that was introjected into me. The raw Dysnfunctioned unconsciously attempt to save their parent, and cannot break that chain no matter how hard we try. HER life meant more than mine. Still does, as in the “gift that keeps on giving.”

Isn’t that what a lot of creeds teach as well? Sacrifice yourself for a God or country or someone else? Whitefeather’s suggestion is rather like something Pope Francis would say. Look your worst enemy in the eye, and find a place to meet on the others’ terms, in a distanced way, outside of your body. Opposite, psychologist Alice Miller suggests our own feelings are our guideposts, and that subjugation to another is abuse. So I’m still tryin’, long after her death, to reconcile things like this, because Alice Miller and others have convinced me that subconscious subjugation will kill us (repressed feelings can make us physically sick and I have lymphoma). I just don’t want to believe the other side of it, that it was all in vain and I was a fool for the suckering and imprinting. No matter how many affirmations I mutter during the day, my nightmares tell me that still, Mom’s world is the stinger I have to thoroughly swallow and process in order to get free of it. Is Whitefeather, as an RN, trying to share her secret for keeping her spirit intact when dealing with crushing, ceaseless, hopeless caseloads, or is she dismissing the confusion and pain of the Dysfunctioned? I haven’t awakened to myself yet, but love being on this thread, and find inspiration and a sense of self, in all your sharings. I listen to you all like you wouldn’t believe. There are no calmer words at night than Emjo’s “Take care of yourself,” or Margeaux’s “Love and Light,” or Countrymouse’s fair witnessing. You are re-parenting me and helping me believe in the solidity of myself. So when Emjo questions something, I listen, and listen real good.

So many of you have written that you have gone through so much this holiday season. There must be thousands of unspoken feelings, crushings, and standing up. I haven’t been able to keep up, but am thinking of you all. We found out yesterday that my husband will NOT qualify for TAVR surgery. So we’ll be into open heart surgery soon (aortic valve replacement and two bypasses). I am so scared as he’s 82 (I’m 62), we’ve been together 40 years, and he understands me and my past and has stayed with me regardless. Anesthetic for six hours concerns us the most. Forward into 2015, good wishes to everyone.

50lsChild,

IMHO.......I think that there is a distinct difference between someone who is doing caregiving, as a profession vs. some people who are doing it for their own dysfunctional relatives. Sure we hope and would like to use the "surrender," analogy when and if we can. But at least I know I could never use that when the abusive relative (reason I came here long time ago), was in need of help.

Also for many of us who grew up in households with the kind of abuse you've described, I'd say.......we better find some way to get some boundaries in place, learn to say NO. There are psychologists who speak a lot about this, in that it appears saying NO to people seems to be one of the hardest things to do.
But anyway, that's exactly why this thread in particular exists, for we who have to find ourselves and maintain some kind of a balance in caregiving.

Much Love & Light! Margeaux

O.K., I need like I needed to explain my comment about professional caregiver's
vs. relative caregiver's, in dysfunctional situations, because that's what I was
referring to. I realize as Ive read.....that many times there are professional caregivers who possibly stay with their patient's a long time, and develop a relationship with them. But by contrast.......they don't have the history that a relative in a dysfunctional caregiving situation has. I didn't want it to sound as if I was saying anything such as professional caregivers don't have any worth.
Any and all caregivers do.

Much Love & Light! Margeaux

Oh great! sorry everyone, meant to say "I felt like I needed, etc."
I went out for New Year's Eve. HAAH!

Much Love & Light! Margeaux

Last night, I was watching a DVD that aunty made of a memorial in honor of my mom. You know, her siblings all knew that our father was abusing us 8 kids. They felt so bad, but did nothing. Aunty admitted this while at church for the nightly mass for those who have recently died. Later, uncle (another of mom's siblings) invited us to his house. He was so saddened of mom's death. I do believe we shocked him when we all started remembering her, telling stories. You see, we didn't talk about love, hugs, encouragements.... instead, we talked about mom with the knife, attacking dad, spankings ( all in line waiting for our turn, etc..). We were quite animated and laughing about which of us got caught, punished, etc... poor uncle...all these years, mom's siblings hated our father but did nothing to HIS abuse to all of us. When even their sister was the culprit, too, unbeknownst to them.

I was looking at the photos of mom's childhood, my older siblings photos, to the current. I saw an ongoing theme... Mom was serious faced most times. NO smiling, just.. isolated from life. I saw pictures of my young mean father and 4older siblings. My siblings also showed neutral expressions for children who were of elementary age.

I cannot and will not try to put myself in my parents head. {{{Shudder}}} I would be too scared to find out that I enjoy hurting others like was done to us. If it works for you, I'm glad that it does. Different strokes for different folks.

Wow. I don't know what to say, bookluvr. It is sadly not unusual for relatives to do nothing when they know of what you and your siblings went through. I'm sorry that this was the case in your situation.

Abuse is a very complicated situation. As Book has said she and her siblings endured so much from both their parents but said nothing. When child is abused by one parent the non abuser frequently does nothing to help the child. Many times the non abuser is also afraid of the abuser but in the case of a male abuser the partner does not want to loose their marriage. This is changing because females no longer feel they are dependent on a man for their support and such things as safe houses exist in many places. There is also the problem of the abused clinging to their abuser. Everything looks so happy and harmonious on the surface but underneath is total darkness.
In Book's case it is further complicated by her native culture where the children are expected to care for their elderly and sick parents. On her island it is usually the job of the eldest child but Book has been bullied by the other siblings to step in as caregiver. She has been doing it for a great many years and faced the extreme lows of her task but in all that has grown tremendously as a person. Her Father is still the same contoling abusive man that he always has been and given the chance will still physically hurt her badly. At times she is even afraid to approach his bed yet she gives tirelessly of her self everyday. I don't believe she does it because she is clinging to her abuser but out of an extreme sense of duty because she is the child of the parent and where she lives that is what children do. She does not take the opportunity to get back at her abuser as many would because she is not that kind of person. If Book got in her father's head she would take on some of his characteristics and she has spent her life avoiding that. She recognises her Dad for the unpleasant individual he is. However in his defense and I don't like to say that his behaviour is also part of their culture. The men have always "disciplined" their women whether they deserved it or not. The women did and still do in many cases accept it as their lot and creep away to "lick their wounds" like a beaten dog. Book is a very strong woman and when she is finally set free will not creep away and enjoy her PTSD. She will probably dispute that but how could she survive this long if she wasn't.
everyone has their cross to bear and i am not implying that Book's is heavier than anyone elses or her abuse was in any way exceptional but I totally see why she would not want to see things through his eyes. Book you are a fine example. We all love you dearly.

Cmagnum,

I completely agree with let's hope for a "Happier year."

Thank you!
Hugs,
Much Love & Light! Margeaux

I spoke to my sister today. She was telling me that mom still has some kind of bug.
She was also telling me that last night, mom pooped in her diaper, and tried to remove it. She feels like things may be changing with mom. Aside from this incident,
my sister claims that she's noticed mom has a strange body odor.

I really didn't know whether to go down there today, since sis's eldest daughter had her in laws coming in from out of town, to deliver the grandkids Christmas
gifts. They're not staying there renting a motel.

Anyway, this did cause some concern on my part about these changes with mom.
I'm going down there, even if she's still under the weather very soon.

Much Love & Light! Margeaux

I would appreciate any thoughts on dealing with an adult sibling who lives in the parental home now ( My husband's mother) This sibling has never had to pay for housing and is now putting the co-inherited home at risk due to not paying taxes for over 2 yrs.. (will stated that the sibling must pay taxes, etc.,) My dear husband has had nothing but grief from his older sibling and it seems that He has had to "pay" instead of benefit from any of the the inheritance.. He as already helped pay for past taxes, but decided not to continue this as it is a never ending road? The time is running out and soon the house will go to a stranger if the back taxes are not paid---
We do no want to force the sibling out--- but we cannot lose large sums of money.. Terrible situation to be in-- and I am tired of the older sibling taking all her life...

Happy New Years, everyone,
Mine started yesterday on New Years Eve,
My mom who has lived with me for 7 years
And she is bedridden, I work full time, but looks
Like I will be off work for a few months, I was hit
By a woman on a F150, she totaled out my van
, my neck is broken, # 2 vertebra , and broke 2
Of my ribs .im in the hospital now, and my children are caring for my mom

Wow, what a terrible was to start the New Year. It is very nice that your children can care for your mom while you recover. Prayers and hugs.