The Caregiver & Dysfunctional Families: How are you doing?

pac451 - wish I had some experience or wisdom to share. Seems to me you may need a lawyer to figure this out You might get more answers if you post this as a separate thread. It is a terrible situation to be in.

hannel - wow - you have a lot of injuries. What a blessing that your children can help with your mum. You have been caregiving a long time. It can't be easy.

Margeaux, book, veronica - you have said as much of what I thought. I cannot get into mother's head as she is unpredictable . I tried for years to anticipate, understand, sympathize only to be "bitten" in return. It is like trying to be kind to a rabid dog. They are not normal.

whitefeather - I think what you described is empathy - trying to see things through another's eyes and experience in order to better respond to them. I am sure that helps a caregiver with a patient. I have taught disturbed children and found that empathy helped.

50s child - it seems for your own survival at quite a young age you figured it was better to join the enemy. The instability of manic depression must have been very hard. At least mother was consistent and ranted and raged on an ongoing basis. She could find fault with the tiniest thing and then there was h*ll to pay. My father and I were the scapegoats and my sister the golden child who could do no wrong and who often set me up. I didn't figure that one out for some years into adulthood. At about the same age you decided to join the enemy, if I understand you right, I decided that something was wrong with mother and it wasn't my fault that she went into rages. I remember those moments very clearly still. That decision/realization helped me establish myself as a separate human being. My sis, though she had it easier, still suffers from being an extension of mother. I thank God for seeing what I saw when I was young, though that did not do away with the tears that came in the dark after bedtime, when my parents were fighting viciously once again and the daily anxiety of wondering when the next rage was and what it would be over. I got very good grades in school, had nice friends though none of the were good enough for mother, helped around the house, didn't get into trouble and got raged at regularly.

Well, enough reminiscing for now. Whitefeather you must be wondering what you stepped into here. We all have our stories and we are survivors.

Did 13 bean soup, chili, chicken soup, ratatouille, another cobbler and hamburger soup over the past couple of days and have some pots to clean. Won't have to cook much for a while. I eat a lot of soup when G is away.

Take care, have a nice evening and do something good for you. ((((((hugs)))) to all.

OMG!!! I am such a weather wimp, LOL!! It is so cold here, has been for several days. I am struggling to deal with 31 or less at night and flying on Monday to where it is 12 at night!! I will get wool socks, fleece lined leggings to wear under my pants... Already wearing the leggings here at work as going in the walk- in freezer is too much plus my nose hairs ice over. What did I get myself into??

Margeaux, I hope your mom’s sudden change of odor is just from food. When my dad was taking all these herbal pills, it really smelled badly when it was time to change pampers. But that’s not the case with your mom. I think it’s best that you do visit your mom and just make sure it’s not a sign of some kind of health issues – like UTI. Or if you’re mom’s diabetic, a change in her body chemistry.

Pac451, there’s really only 2 options. You pay for the taxes and the house still remains with MIL (mother-in-law) or you don’t pay for it – and the gov’t confiscates it and sells it in an auction. Anyway, I don’t think you can force sibling out if they both co-inherited it. Because he is also part owner. The only way to get rid of him – is to buy his portion of the house.

Hannel, I’m so sorry! You’re having to face so many problems all at one time. First of all, concentrate on getting yourself better. Do what is necessary to get back to as close to normal as you can. Second, there’s nothing you can do for mom right now - with your health situation. She’s now in the hands of your children. They will do their best for her. May not meet up to your standards of caregiving – but at least they’re there for her. (I’ve learned to not jump and correct what my nieces do for their bedridden grandfather.) Even when you think you’re healed up, and feel it, too – do not immediately jump in with the heavy lifting/pushing/pulling of your mom. I learned that the hard way after 2 of my major stomach surgeries. And mine’s just my stomache. You have your back, neck and ribs. So, please just concentrate on yourself so that you don’t permanently injure yourself. {{Hugs}}

Emjo, yes, I noticed that you eat a lot of soup. I guess your stomach is used to having soup as a meal. Maybe I need to train my stomach to accept it as a full meal and not as an appetizer with the main course to come.

Sharyn, I don’t think you’re a weather wimp. According to our sayings, you just have ‘thin blood.’ =) Enjoy your trip with your daughter and your grands.

pac451, here is my take on this situation from what you wrote and from your profile. .

1. MIL is in independent living. That means she is far more with it and able to do things than those even in assisted living. I assume that she is paying for independent living from her own resources. At this point a durable POA would not have been activated.

2. Your husband's sibling is living in the house but not paying property tax. Why should he when his mother owns the house and I would think that not all of her money is being spent on independent living?

3. The sibling and your husband are co-inheritors of the house.

4. Since your husband's mother is still alive, it does not belong to either your husband or to his sibling, but still belongs to his mother. You really can't say that you have inherited something until the person who is leaving it to you has died which according to your profile has not happened.

5. This all leads me to ask why isn't his mother paying her property taxes from her money? I would think that she should because of living in independent living, Why doesn't she tell his sibling to leave? She might not want to.

I don't think that your husband need a lawyer. I think he needs to talk with his mom about the tax situation and get it paid, plus ask her what she wants done concerning his sibling living there.

In reference to Margeauxs post about professional caregivers.... one thing I would like people to consider....... while we may not have that specific history with a client, we do take our history every where we go as we all do..... I am very self actualized.... from my own history and years of therapy. So with that being said.... every single day I am triggered by my clients....so my dilemma becomes staying professional, sticking my feelings in an already overflowing box......and dealing with what is in front of me.... the man I am currently taking care of is one miserable, bitter, hateful old man..... and he reminds me of my father... so, because I am already burned to my core from 20 years of doing this, and having my feelings minimized by families.....that feel there is a difference..... I am getting out of caregiving all together.... one of the reasons I stopped posting here, and I have been here for 10 years, is because I was told things like, well, at least you get to go home.... yes, I do, and then and only then do I get to deal with all the things that my charges have dumped on me in a 12 shift....
I am speaking for myself here... and no offense to you Margeaux, you did come back and say we all have worth....but paid caregivers are treated like we are robots..... God forbid we have a reaction if we are past tired our self..... and I am not asking for a debate here, paid vs. family..... I am simply saying , for myself, that dysfunction is dysfunction no matter where you are...... thanks for letting me share.

The difference between paid caregivers and family caregivers is that past experiences trigger reactions to current situations. I am not saying that one suffers more pain than the other as we all know everyone is different. Just do not underesteimate the feelings of the caregiver who goes home after an 8-12 hour shift. The dread of going back to work overshadows the leisure time. Now that dread can be unable to manage certain proceedures, responsibilities beyond your experience or the feelings of grief when caring for a dying patient. The family caregiver is there day and night with no respite which presents it's own stresses but they are responsible to themselves where the paid caregiver may be expected to reach a much higher standard of care. In my years of working as the on-call RN for our local hospice I might be called to the far end of our county in the middle of the night in a snowstorm. It could be a patient I knew well or someone I had never seen and of course the call was absolutely urgent. I can't tell from a phone call if the bleeding is life threatening or the patient is really screaming in excrutiating pain. I spend the drive wondering what the h**l I am going to be able to do. At the door I stop take a deep breath count to ten and calmly walk through the door. The screaming patient may be asleep and the family is just worn out or the bleeding patient may have just picked at an existing injury or the bed will be covered with bloody vomit.
The stress is the same and the PTSD just as severe. My shift was 16 hours a night and at weekends from 4-30 Friday afternoon to 8am Mon 3 out of 4 weeks a month.
Being a caregiver is not easy or the same if you are family or professional but don't think for one minute those who are paid have it any easier or have less feelings whether careing for a 99 year old or a 5 day old baby the pain is no less. currently I am living with and to an extent supervising my husband of 52 years who suffers from a severe depressive illnes and ADHD learning as I go. Celebrate all caregivers in 2015 givng is the important word there. God Bless one and all.

I can honestly say that I marvel at the patience the paid caregivers are towards my dad when he is being such a mean angry jerk. He treats them just like they were family. No respect, so much angry words, I find myself getting scared and angry at him for yelling at them. I would have lost my temper and yelled right back. These paid caregivers just calmly stand there, take it in, and try to soothingly calm him. Man, I marvel and give them kudos for being so calm. I can never be a paid caregiver. I would be fired for yelling at the client.

Hello everyone,
Here's hoping for a better 2015!
Things are calmer now that I just have MIL to contend with. She has early stage dementia, and is a whiny, self centered child, but not nearly as difficult as FIL was. I have learned a lot since FIL, between reading here and just experience, so we will be able to move more quickly when MIL needs to relocate. Right now poor Charles is tending to their messy financial details, trying to get the house in some kind of condition to rent or sell, getting her bills paid, etc. I did all the things relating to FIL's insurance policies, and that is done now. Whew. This has definitely made us aware that we need to have our stuff in order as we get older. Anyway, last night we watched a movie, it is free to stream if you have Amazon Prime. It is called Wrinkles, and is about a man who has Alzheimers, and what happens. It was poignant.
Anyway, hope you are all well and things are somewhat peaceful...
Christine

sharyn - you would never survive up here. I wear leggings now sometimes but haven't pulled out the really heavy stuff yet and we have several feet of snow.

Margeaux - sounds like something is happening with your mum - a step down. Hope you get to see her soon. How long had she had Alz?

book - I eat only home made soup and many made with bone broth. Many are pretty much a meal with lots of meat and veggies. A straight veggie soup like broccoli isn't enough for a meal and canned or packet soups would not be either. The home made ones are more filling and healthier. I also use a large bowl. :)

Hi Christine - good to see you back and getting "armed" for the next round of caregiving. Sounds like Charles has his job cut out for him. I looked at the trailer of "Wrinkles". It looks good, Don't be surprised if the link disappears from your post - they usually remove links that aren't within AC. My life is more peaceful re mother too right now. She agreed to an antipsychotic a few months ago and it has made a big difference. We are just waiting for the word to view her new facility and move her in. I am hoping the staff there is good, she stays on meds, and that the peace will remain. Hope your new year is good and - remember to do something good for you.

Hi Everyone :) Happy Belated New Year and good luck to any resolutions you have! I went off on two of mine the same day but hey, Im looking at it as a starter weekend.. creeping up to my goals!!! I have to Im trying not to beat myself up too! Mainly it was the diet part, I ate instead of liquid diet. But its hard to eat cuz of my teeth and acid reflux to but hey, I love food! Just gotta eat the right foods and exercise.. well least walk!! Im looking into finding a job that has a lot of walking or at least standing so I can be more active.

So I have skimmed some posts and will respond to more later.. just wanted to say hugs to all, stay warm( I dont like cold weather anymore either.. 70's are perfect for me!) Lets see, soups, I need to try to eat more sounds good, I did the cabbage soup thing, even the Ramon noodle, wasnt bad actually. Sorry to those about the Inlaws , siblings and financial issues.. ooo our bill is also $186 a month for cable and internet, wifi..landline phone runs close to $80? ..and those with health issues incl your family please get well. Hopefully any issues stay calm.

Ok, big discussion here is about how to handle patients whether family or not, paid or non paid, shifts or no shifts. Truthfully, everyone is right. First thing is the respect.. regardless of the mental or physical abuse we endure.. for ourselves and those around us. Hard to respect ourselves when we have been put down , accused or for some hit our whole life, not just from family but exs, neighbors, employers, patients, etc. We are all different, we all handle it differently, it affects us differently, our situations are different. Yes I do love my grandpa and family even with the hell I have been through, I can tell you all some things that may not be a big deal to some, to some it might be, just as when you all come here and share with us...everyone sees and or handles it differently. Most mean well, and things may not be worded right or verbally spoken right as my words always sound off. Yes, it IS about the patients first and family..AND ANY caregivers who are not family even its just your job !!! But I cant really say patients first because its all on the same level, a circle no above's or underneaths. We ALL need each other in one way or another period!!! Now as far as us who help those who abused us in any form, we do it because we are either stuck financially, feel morally obligated, still love them regardless, are in such a rut mentally we think we deserve the continues of pain and no life... we also have enough concern for the person who needs help..or we are just stuck cuz no other family will or "can " help...any other reasons?

For those who are paid or volunteer to care give I think you all are wonderful and you also go through emotional issues with the patients. ladeeM, others, your right you also have to take it home and while you may have it only in shifts.. you STILL have similar issues and have to deal with various types of people. You also may work at a hospital or nursing home, have several patients and most do end up having a true caring friendship, even some after a long time may feel like family like our two caregivers. ( well one is as needed now but still feel the love). Book and others your right, it takes a lot to handle it.

Now that being said, I always say" you see what the patient wants you to see, you see how they treat a stranger or someone they dont have issues with, unless of course they become comfortable like book said and treats you like heck. Now for some patients they could of been pure angels their whole life and their health mental or physical has really changed them is another thing. If this was my situation then I could look at it exactly like whitefeather said, but, sadly its not. Of course, as the sertain people ruled me and and my life, maybe Im the one who is wrong that I never endured the life as Im saying ( see my mind flips from this because one minute I step back and look and another I try to be in their shoes etc) but Im so confused, so stressed and hurt I dont know what to think. Ill feel bad complaining like now and start to run right back to the situation .. whos right? But this is just me personally, although I STILL try to consider this but mentally Im so trained if you will, I just dont know what to believe, yes emjo I know what your saying but I guess I wont believe it until or if it really happens to me to get skills and better etc. I am getting ragged on by neighbors now too. Again!! Just cuz they hate me!!! Anyways...

But ALL of you are wonderful, I dont know you all personally but love ya all and think the world of all of you. Thank ALL of you for ANY part of care giving you have done, are doing or will do. Thank ALL of you reading and or responding to me and others. Thank ALL of you for putting up with me and all my complaints!! Everysingle last person who comes here is trying to help or get help and everysingle one of you, thank you and hugs!!!

Ok... time for caffeine!!!

Joan~I would have a hard time in your area. However, what makes this harder is that when closing at this store, we have to wash the floor and the spray nozzle leaks (very common in most stores I have worked at..seems no solution is available), as a result, my pants, shoes, socks are very wet when I leave.

LadeeM~I totally understand what you are saying and I support it..not to disregard what family feels. I have talked with the caregivers where my mother is...many of them not respected by family members. Some have told me they deal with jealously from family members because they as the caregiver have a more loving relationship with the parent than the adult children do. This is of course because the caregiver is there everyday and the adult child has to work to support a family.Unfortunately we can't open the eyes of everyone to see that respect, compassion is needed as paid caregivers "do" grieve the loss of the person they have cared for.

Me1000~As far as weight loss goes...I am a big advocate of 1) for a woman, eat 2 ounces of protein 3 x's a day (2 oz is a patty the size of the palm of your hand). 2) eat 3-5 servings of cooked and raw veggies a day (1 serving is about a 1/2 cup) 3) eat 3-5 servings of fruit a day, 1 apple, 1/2 cup of berries, and an orange. 4) include starches such as a small amount pasta, 2 slices of bread, 1 serving of popcorn without butter. 5) Include dairy such as a cup of skim milk, 2 servings of yogurt, low fat cheese. 6) 2 tablespoons of healthy oil...vegetable oil, olive oil whatever you like and if you do not saute or fry foods, then add the 2 tbsp in a yogurt serving...you won't taste it at all. 7) Include 2 snacks a day which may be fruit, crackers and cheese...but do not eat after 7 pm and include lots of water either in no calorie tea, coffee, limit diet soda...water, water and water. Plan your meals out in advance...for instance 2 hard boiled eggs or soft boiled equals 2 ounces of protein...include a slice of toast, a yogurt and a cup of milk. There is your breakfast...full of protein which will stabilize your blood sugar so you don't feel hungry...have an apple, 12 oz of water for a snack. It is all in the planning your meals in advance and following it....keep a diary of what you eat.

Boy oh boy! Can those narcissists vent! Received an email from ts1 this am. Did not respond. So she sent a second on this evening. Naturally blaming everything on me and how all of the expense of attorneys and such are my fault. And of course drawing a whole lot of attention to herself, the poor me crap that drives me crazy. And the email is actually a let me help sort, and she sure got that ball rolling well! Historionics, things that happened three years ago that made her mad then and probably will for a long time to come.

I imagine me not responding this morning got her ticked off. Then, guessing she may have tried to call my oldest daughter. She and I had a chat a couple of weeks ago about my perfect storm and how I just did not understand the twisted ones and how they are treating me. A fire at my house, losing my dear friend J, losing my wonderful ex-MIL to say nothing of all of the sisterly love and support! My daughter seemed to get it, and we have had difficulties over the sister nonsense. Families just do not do to each other as my sisters have done to me and through that to my mom too. Not an ounce of compassion in their greedy souls.

I am off tomorrow and will be going to Bass Pro Shop to buy wool socks. Need a haircut and dye badly so that is on my agenda too.One more day of work which is a closing shift...then V A C A T I O N!!!

It has been quite a busy day here on AC. I've been on and off the site at various times during the day. Now, I am going to call it a night and go to bed.

SM.
Make sure you look at "Smartwool" socks.that is if you like colorful wool socks! I absolutely love them for their warmth and comfort due to their reduced bulk. I must have 10 pairs of them.

I am new to this thread and don't know quite where to begin... I have been helping out my 89 year-old, widowed mother since my father's death 28 years ago. My mother receives a small widow's pension and my husband and I have helped her out some financially as best we can for all these years. She resides in another state where my retired brother and retired sister live. My siblings have not helped much all these years and I even hired a part time caregiver for Mom a few years back before I managed to get her help from Medicaid so that she could move to an assisted living apartment. Since she has moved into assisted living, both siblings stop by and run errands now and then. In fact they see her more often now since they know that there isn't much that they are obligated to do since she has most all of her needs taken care of at the assisted living facility. I continue to manage her affairs long distance because neither of my retired siblings (I have full time job) want any part of the paperwork involved with Medicaid, Medicare, Medi-Gap and social security. I have been doing this so long that I have it down to a science and have accepted what my siblings will and won't do.

My headache now is from my aging in-laws, my mother-in-law is 86 and my father-in-law is 90. My husband and I moved his parents from their home about three years ago and they now reside in a nursing home. Prior to the move, my mother-in-law was dressing, bathing and helping toilet her husband and as it happens, nearly ruined her health because she didn't want anyone to know just how much she had been doing to care for my father-in-law. She didn't want to leave her beautiful, custom-built, country home and was determined to keep the true nature of her husband's decline under wraps. My husband and I knew that my father-in-law's health was declining and tried for several years to convince his parents that it was time to down-size and move to town.

As it happens, my father-in-law fell one day and my mother-in-law was too frail to help him up. Hence, it was a very difficult and emotional move straight to the nursing home. Now, my husband has two sisters who live near his parents (we live in a neighboring town) who both have some flexibility and time off in their jobs as one is a school teacher and the other a free-lance writer. However, when it came time to make the decision to move my in-laws and when it was time to make the actual physical move, i.e. packing, boxing, lifting carrying, etc., the sisters both made only token gestures and appearances. It was a long difficult task but with the help of other friends and relatives, my husband and I were finally able to get 30 years of clutter moved out of the house.

My husband's sisters have always been extremely close to their parents. In fact they spent much of their free time visiting and having dinners and barbecues with their parents but it seems they turned a blind eye to their parents' frailty and needs. The sisters have always been favored by my in-laws and have received many gifts from their parents including money, furniture, and even college tuition assistance for the grandchildren. My husband and our son have pretty much been the outliers. We are the ones that were called in if something needed to be done or if someone needed to host Christmas dinner. We were rarely invited to the dinners and barbecues. (But that is another story.) Monetary gifts or gifts of any kind to our family unit were virtually non-exitent.

To top it off, my mother-in-law is and always has been a spendthrift. Even after running into financial trouble and having to sell their house to a relative, who generously let them continue to live in the house rent-free for 10 years, my mother-in-law refused to stop shopping at the expensive department stores and she continued to give money to her adult daughters. Fast forward, and I ended up doing the paperwork to qualify my in-laws for Medicaid assistance. However, my mother-in-law AND my sisters-in-law expect my husband and I to hand over the money for his Mom to continue to live the lifestyle to which she is accustomed.

My husband and I helped my mother for years, yes. However, she was living on a small pension not in a custom-built home. My Mom learned to stretch her dollars and not spend it on fancy clothes for herself and her daughter's children.

So, now my husband and I are administering the Medicaid, Medicare, Medi-gap, etc. and dealing with the nursing home staff for THREE senior citizens. My husband's sisters will run errands and "shop" for their Mother but they do nothing else. My husband and his sisters set up a joint "sibling" account into which each sibling contributes a $100.00 each month to pay their parent's telephone bill, the daily newspaper, clothes purchases, weekly hair appointments (my mother-in-law and her daughters insist she continue to get her hair done weekly) and other miscellaneous purchases. The joint account was set up after my husband paid all his parent's monthly bills for several months and then had to harangue his sisters to pay their share. I am at my whits end! My mother-in-law, with her daughters' help manages to spend the $300.00 we put in the joint expense account every month plus the pittance that Medicaid allows them to keep. My father-in-law insists that he get the daily paper delivered to him even though it is delivered to the common room. Again, his daughters agreed that they needed to do this for Daddy.

Early on we held family meetings to parcel out the tasks that needed to be done. For one, my in-laws failed to make any funeral arrangements nor did they bother to purchase a headstone. One sister in-law was to get a funeral plan purchased before all their parent's money was gone and before it became necessary for me to apply for medicaid on their behalf. The other sister was to get a headstone purchased. My husband had to step in and purchase the burial annuities at the 11th hour and the headstone has yet to be purchased. Now there is no money and no headstone. My father-in-law has allowed my mother-in-law and their daughters to spend them into the poor house but he is happy as long as he gets his newspaper delivered, but I digress...

The most recent family meeting held with his sisters and their spouses was 18 months ago. My husband and I attempted to establish a budget for his parents and the meeting degenerated into a shouting match. I dared to suggest cutting back on his mother's hair appointments since, for example, my mom gets by with getting her hair trimmed every other month. The sisters said to me that their mother is used to having things like weekly hair appointments and that it would kill her if she could not continue to get her hair done every week. We have also been told that we need to do all we can to take care of Mom and Daddy since they have done so much for all of us. Not so fast... They did VERY little for us!

The sisters have done and do little to help their parents. (Except shopping.) We are not rich by any stretch of the imagination but we are good money managers. My in-laws are very angry that we are not giving them more money to shop and spend. My husband and I even had a conversation with my mother-in-law and father-in-law stating that we would help them but we have to put money away to save for our retirement too . My mother-in-law looked me in the eye and said that I should help her and let our son help us when the time comes. Geesh! What a plan!

Needless to say we have a HUGE family rift. We no longer speak to my husband's sisters though they consistently write us nasty, hateful letters. We now send those letters right back to them. I have seen my husband's parents twice in the last year and both times it was a very strained visit. My husband makes regular trips to the nursing home to take care of the nursing home bills and stops in to see his parents as well and to check in with the nursing staff. When he does, he is regularly bombarded with demands to "fix" the problems with his sisters. In their opinion we are bad guys and have even been accused of ripping apart the family.

I am angry, saddened, and depressed at of all of this as is my husband. We have put up no contact boundaries with his sisters but the letters keep coming. In fact one of the sisters-in-law is now writing lengthy emails to our grown son to tell him how awful we are. I could go on but I think you get the picture.

Any advice? Any takers?

Welcome! You are in a good place to share your situation and ask your question.

I assume that your husband is Durable and Medical POA for each of his parents. Are they of sound enough mind to maybe give the Durable POA to one some other relative than one of the daughters so that you two could get out from underneath this burden and shift it to them.

MIL and FIL having $300 a month to spend in a nursing home sounds like more than enough for them. My mother never spent even half that month a month when she was in the nursing home. And the MIL and FIL want more money? You said there is no money when you said there was no headstone. So, where is this extra spending money to come from? Ya'll? No way!

Did the MIL and FIL give any major gifts of money away during the five year look back that medicaid did?

They sound dirt poor being on medicaid thanks to the MIL's and daughters' spending habits on her and evidently their lavish lifestyle and her husband just let it happen? Is he competent? He sounds like either he was depressed or a very passive man in his relationship with his wife. What kind of life and income do this sisters have? From your description of their jobs, they don't make a lot of money. Their husbands must bring in most of the money. Haven't their husbands cared that these daughters have been neglecting the true condition of their parents and have spent right a long with their mother enough money to put their dad in the poor house? They don't sound like they care either. Wow, what selfish people The daughters also sound like spoiled brats to me.

How much money does your MIL have that she wants handed over so that she can live the lifestyle that she is used to? She can't have much since she is on medicaid. I gather that the daughters are going out buying all of this stuff for their mother in the nursing home? Where is she putting all this stuff for nursing home rooms are only so big?

Since, she's in a nursing home too, I gather that her health is not good enough to get out and go shopping. Evidently, she has learned nothing from getting into financial trouble and having to sell the house? Has she ever been evaluated for being competent to handle money or evaluated for bipolar disorder because people with bipolar can spend a lot without thinking when they are in a manic mood? I'm just asking.

Obviously, the daughters are like their mother in that they don't feel bad about spending their dad into poverty and loosing their home? They all three sound like they have a narcissistic personality disorder for everything seems to center around what they want, how they want and when they want regardless of what the financial realities are. The sisters also sound like opportunists who want to milk this for all they can get.

I would do a search on this site in the search site box in the upper right hand corner of this page. Just type in narcissistic parent and press enter. You will find several articles. See if they describe your MIL and SILs.

All in all, it sounds to me like you are dealing with a bunch of dysfunctional people with a narcissistic personality. They can't be changed, but must be managed with solid boundaries. Is there another relative who could possibly take over this responsibility for it sounds way too much for ya'll? If the MIL and FIL are not competent, would some other relative file for guardianship for them? Neither of the daughters need to become guardians for sure.

How did the SIL get your grown son's e-mail address. He need to either block her if that is possible or get a new e-mail address.

The next time your MIL looks you in the eye and says that you should help her and let her son help them, your husband needs to have your back and look his mother in the eye and say no mom, you have all the help you are going to get from me and my wife and possibly consider saying the reason do don't have any money mom is because you spent it all or gave it away to my sisters all of which led to your financial problems and loosing the house that you lived in, so you have made your bed and now you must live in it. I imagine that your mother would deny any financial responsibility for their being so poor anyhow which is typical for a narcissist.

Your MIL and FIL are blessed to have such a good son and DIL although they obviously don't appreciate all that you have and are doing for them.

Maybe some others will have more ideas of what to do, but this is a mess.




Are the sisters having any difficulty with ya'll living in his parent's house? I guess ya'll are paying property taxes and for upkeep? .

Sorry, for those last two sentences. I didn't get around to deleting them before I pressed post comment. I came to realize that the parents' house was sold and ya'll live in your own house in another town. Too bad that there is not a way to edit responses like on FaceBook.

I just saw this for the first time, and can't help noticing it's from 3 years ago. Of course, it's all still relevant. From my own perspective, I sincerely believe there's always a degree of dysfunction in most families, because there are NO families who function with perfection. Just like every person has their own "baggage", so does each family. I believe that people, and families, don't need to strive for some [apparently] unattainable goal, but to accept themselves as they really are and to strive for 'good enough' in terms of how they manage, what they will allow, what they can expect from themselves and others. In terms of being THE family caregiver: sometimes we choose that role, sometimes we accept it, sometimes we struggle and resent the others who aren't in the trenches (and that is perfectly reasonable to feel that way). But then, if someone finds themselves 'alone' in the role of main, or sole caregiver- that's when it gets more complicated. That's where another choice needs to be considered. That person can just stop asking for more help/breaks/support, or they can address the need for more help. Like ladeeM said on Jan 12, 2012, we need to "say out loud what needs to be said". Keeping it in doesn't get any more help for us and our loved one/patient.
There's a saying, that "If you don't ask, the answer's already No". Think about it.

I am almost at the end of my rope. I am caring for my 93 year old father. A summary would be he was a mean cruel father who jas never made a mistake in his life. Varing him was my worst nightmare. But my mother and brother have died and i am left wirh him. His father lived with us from before i was born intil his death when i was 16. I guess my dad is better then his dad, he didnt leave the famoly, he stayed and terrorized us. He loved ny mother with all his heart us kids not so much. In any case like most of us in this situation i have loat my job and will never go it back. Im 60 and because of taking time off to care for my mother and the collapse of the economy i havent worked in years. I have a masters in computer science snd s 25 year career but all i get is "we were hoping for more current experience". I might understsnd exvept i was in defence and obama shut it all down as his first act. It isnt different. I lost my home in forclosure and have nothing left. I have learned that those people you csll friends and help over time cant get away from you fast enough. So i have no one. I do volunteer thongd to try and stsy sane but i would love to have a minute to tell what is hsppening andaybe even get a hug but people only want smiley happy faces. I used to be one and i used to smile. Thank God for my dog. He is my solace and comfort. I had two poodles and we were a pack but Lacey died a year ago at 18 and Cagney is 11. I worry about him. Lacey was a tea cup toy poodle and Cagney a stand so not as long a life span. I am on Med-Cal and had been seen by a psychitrist so said i have PTSD (part military mostly a violent childhood) and Panic Disorder. I am a vet but wrong era. There is alot of help for current military but the vietnsm ers not so much. I try so hard with my dad its been two years 24/7. No break. He csn care for himself but he cant drive or do complex or heavy tasks. He wants to be left alone until he needs something. When my phone rings i instsntly get upset. He spills stuff, falls and gets cuts on his head. Its constsnt 24/7. Yesterday he slamed me. He fell a couple weeks ago and cut a three inch gash in the back of his head. He wont go to ER unless i just out scream him. Fortunately i have some battlefield medic experience. It was late at night so i patched and got him settled pain pill etc. He said to just put pspertowls over the blood so he didnt slip and he would clean it in the morning he just wanted to settle down. His head is concrete so i saw no signs of concussion. He came up to me yesterday and said while he was looking for guy to help him outside he was going to get inside help for a couple days. I was so glad finally i could have times where he had help. But he finishes with because you wont help me enough. Whiny voice i had to clean that blood alone and it was hard on me. This man went thru two majir wars. I was seeing a therapist weekly but when you run out of covered sessions you are just out of luck so i walked back into my dark tunnel. Thank for for reading this, i feel like i am not one of the lost.

Music, you do sound angry, and sad, and depressed, and I don't blame you. Poor thanks for all you've done, isn't it?

But other than that I really don't know what to say. Where would you and your husband want things to go from here, if you got to choose?

Book,

My mother is not diabetic, qne ir wh3 eie have a UTI, my sister would have had her in to see the doctor right now. I have been trying to get down there for a couple weeks now. But since my sister has mom's house full with her own daughter, three small children, and a husband, they've all been passing the flu to one another since after Thanksgiving. I didn't want to go down there under those conditions
At first mom didn't catch it, but was the last one and currently has it.
If she's the only one, I can handle that, I think, but have to call sis today and see the status.

My suspicion about the body odor, is mom doesn't move around very much.
She just basically walks w/walker very little in the house, to and from the bathroom. This plus the flu, I'm sure will have an impact on anyone's body odor.

I'm also wondering whether she's had constipation recently, which she's had in the past.

Much Love & Light! Margeaux

Book,

I don't know what happened first sentence, I did correct it.
"not diabetic,, and if she did have a UTI."
Sorry about that.

Margeaux

Music and Mom welcome to this place-you will find the best folks here-I found it over 6 years ago and stayed around after my husband died 5 yrs. ago because I had made so many friends and felt I might be able to help those in the trenches -why let all that unasked for experience go to waste -the people here get it about caregiving-most people even good friends do not understand what we deal with on a daily basis.

Karen welcome you have come to the right place-come back and continue to share more with this great group-most of us have been in the black hole with no way to get out and have been helped along the way and want to help you.

Sharynmarie,

It is cod here, you're not a wimp!
I've been layering down wearing with a tank top, T-shirt then a pullover, followed by a weather jacket. The other day I decided to go without my beret, because
it has a tendency to mess with my hair. I gave up that idea, when I realized how much heat I was loosing from my head. My sinuses have been acting up, even
my cheekbones were feeling it. What a bunch of whinning over here, OA, that's
what dad referred to as old age, HAAH!

Time for ginger teas, and cinnamon in our coffee.
Stay warm,
Much Love & Light! Margeaux

Margeaux- you are starting to type like me, Haha!! Yes my son said they are getting this Alaskan cold front in SoCal too. I think it is moving out of the valley here as our temps today will get in the 50' s. Idaho is still colder at 16 this morning so I am heading out to look for wool socks/smartwool if Bass Pro Shop has them.

Thanks Glad...I will look for smartwool...not so bulky like regular wool socks. As long as my feet are warm, I am warm all over.

Sharynmarie,

Do you think if you wore some rubber boots this may help?
That is quite wet what you're describing, then staying that way
for whatever the drive home is, could get you sick. I've been avoiding
taking showers, and washing my hair and going immediately out the door
in this cold.

Much Love & Light! Margeaux

Sharyn could you get pair of waterproof pants to do your final store cleaning? Add a pair of rubber boots. Pretty cheap from Walmart

Margeaux- I can order slip resistant boots which would be great and thanks for the idea. I have to be able to secure a locker first as don't want to bring them back and forth.

Veronica- we have a uniform that we wear and starting janurary 24th it changes to blue jeans. I wish I could get waterproof pants but they would have to be denim. Everything I saw online is for an elastic wasit type of pant that is more of a workout pant. Corporate makes surprise visits and being out of uniform would not go over well. Personally I feel the company should supply these things for us and I guess if I wanted to make a big fuss I could force it...but I font want to be landless a trouble maker even though I am within my rights to do so. Because I need this job it is hard to know what will come back and bite me in the a$$.