The Caregiver & Dysfunctional Families: How are you doing?

Labeled not landless

Sharyn I was thinking of water proofs that you pull on over your work pants just while you are using the hose. Failing that can you wrap your legs in plastic wrap while you wash. Is Corporate likely to show up when you are closing?

Music - keep all the hateful nasty letters from SIL (sister-in-laws.) Just dump it in a box for future need. Also keep all emails from them. (I know you said that they sent it to your son, but I'm assuming they're also sending to their brother, your husband.) No need to read it. You can set up your email to have it automatically sent to a file set up just for them ..."SIL" From reading on this site, I have found that sometimes these siblings - not getting any more money from their elderly parents - will turn against the caregiver or the POA sibling. They will accuse them of stealing or misusing their parents' money.

Your SILs have been so used to your PIL (parents-in-laws) spending on them, that they will not stop with this harrassment. They will wrongfully think that since Medicaid is paying for their NH (nursing home), therefore their parents should have More money to spend. The best thing to do is what you're doing now. Ignore them. IF your husband has POA, he can change the bank account to only allow him to make withdrawals. If SIL wants money for this or that, they would have to go through him for it. This will make Everyone unhappy - even the parents. If this is not an option, then what you all are going through - is what it's going to be like - and you both just have to live with it.

FYI, perhaps have hubby inform everyone that this $300.00 is a set monthly expense. If mom spends it by week 3 of the month, and something comes up on week 4, then she will have to be without it until the next month. I had to do this when my dad spent about $700 more than his retirement money. I had to touch his savings account to cover it. I sat down with him, showed him the chart with his income, the bills $$, and his expenditures $$. I explained that we cannot spend more than his paycheck. Then when the time came he spent his income, I had to tell him no more money until his next paycheck, next month. It was difficult for him to learn that he had to spend within his check but he did it. Unfortunately, you will have a difficult time with this - because SILs will be egging your MIL on spending more than the budgeted amount. Best case scenario, tell everyone that the budget is $300.00. If SIL insists that mom needs hairstyle done, then SIL needs to pay for it - since the budgeted $300 is all spent for that month. I don't find that unreasonable. I think having your hair done once a month is decent. Extra if attending a special occasion - like a party or a holiday when family/friends come for a visit.

Sharyn, I have waterproof over trousers that go over my jeans when the garden's really wet - and they must go on easily because otherwise I'm so lazy I'd never bother to put them on. They were cheap as chips, I think you can get them from army surplus? Glamorous, no. Also, a bit noisy when you walk around (swoosh swoosh swoosh). But they certainly keep the wet out.

Veronica~I will do some more research. Yes corporate people have been known to come in late just to check out what is going on in the different stores based on customer complaints emailed or phoned in to them. We are open until 9pm but that does not mean everything is available until 9pm. We have to slowly shut down, clean as we go but still provide customer service and clock out by 9pm.If a cu;stomer comes in at 8pm and wants fresh fried 8 piece chicken for 7.99, I tell them the fryer has been shut down but I can reheat it for you which will take 10 minutes (5gallons of oil) and another 15 minutes to bread the chicken then fry it. Most customers will accept it and move on..but occasionally we get the customer who wants what they want right now with no exceptions and of course corporate will side with the customer. We pride ourselves on customer service...if I have a customer come in 5 minutes to 9 and wants a pound of roast beef...I am expected to slice it for them even though I have cleaned the meat slicer and everything is shut down. Certain customers do not care. as long as they see you in the bakery/deli, they expect to be served even if it is 10pm, lights are out, salads are covered. This is where you need to be able to read people's expectations which I am not good at doing. I have had a great customer service experience with chatting etc...only to have the customer complain that I was rude, abrupt with them. Figure that one out.

Emjo,

Yes, this is what I was thinking, that something could be happening with mom, as my sister said, "changes." She was first diagnosed with ALZ, back in 2007. I'm sure had it before this, just undiagnosed. I'm not quite sure what stage she is in
either, and along those lines, my sister doesn't seem to know this.

So she is still under the weather, and I've just decided to go during the week,
because my sister said today, her stomach was out of sorts. I'm also trying
to avoid us catching anything, it's been too cold, and everyone is passing bugs around in our area.

Much Love & Light! Margeaux

Hi me - hope the new year brings some good changes in your situation. 2 points - 1) I think you are less likely to recover your skills and self esteem when you are being beaten down all the time - hence the need to get away from it, 2) ramen noodles are not supposed to be good for you, so limit your consumption of them. Cabbage soup is great The most important thing is good nutrition like lean meats, fish etc. coloured veggies, fruit, and whole grains, no junk food, limited sweets, and reasonable portions. Sharyn's suggestion of keeping a diary is a great one. Studies have shown that keeping a record of what you eat is the most successful way of losing.

Sharyn - going out wet would be dreadful. I see others have given some good suggestions. I wonder if you have a locker if you could bring a change of clothing for when you leave. Surprise visits would be a bit nerve wracking.

glad (((((((hugs)))))) more tws cr*p. There is no end to it! I think they get pleasure out of getting at you. Hope your daughter understands. You could use the support. At one point my daughter thought the problem was that I could not get along with my mother. She knows differently now.

music - welcome - I am so sorry for all the trouble you are going through. I have a sister who wants stuff and won't help too. It seems to be a common theme here. Don't think I can add to the feedback you have had from others. Do come back and share more. Knowing others understand helps. ((((hugs))))

momcare - welcome to this thread too. Here we have quite a few with siblings who cause trouble and won't help. Read gladimhere's posts in this thread, for example, and you will see that asking for help only results in more trouble and that she is dealing with at least one narcissistic sib. I have a narc sis too who not only refuses to help, but causes strife with our Borderline Personality Disorder, narcissistic mother.and expects all the inheritance. Go figure!

cmag - it has been busy and this thread has helped lots of people.

Hi Karan - you are definitely not alone. You sure do find out who your friends are when things get tough. We can certainly listen to you and support you. I am glad that you volunteer to get away from it all. He sounds like a hard case. It might be worth looking for a caregivers group in your area. Sometimes they help. ((((((hugs)))))

Margeaux hope you get to visit your mum soon. It is so important to keep the head warm. I am not into vests yet, but the house is warm, and I warm up the car before I go out.

Austin - hope you had a good Christmas with your man. Agreed, the folks here are great.

book - good suggestions to music!

cm - how is mum - need an update!

veronica - I found your account of on call nursing interesting. I am sure you have a lot of stories. Not an easy job at all!!!

Here back to walking again and didn't even feel my knees coming down stairs this morning. That is a real bonus. I am walking when I wake up around 3, 4 or 5 am then going back to bed, and again at night. That way my heels/feet get rest. I also put a couple more scatter rugs around for cushioning. I got two envelopes from mother - one addressed to me and one to me and the family and I was expecting the worst, but got a pleasant surprise. The one to the family was to wishing everyone a good Christmas and new year written on plain stationary. I summoned my courage expecting the one to just me to be a letter telling me off for something, but it was a very pretty stationary with a pink rose on it and again best wishes for everyone. I think she forgot she had sent the other one. Well, that was a Christmas present! I also got a phone call from G's mum to thank me for the flowers and tell me that his dad is in hospital with bladder emptying problems. I suppose worst come to worst he will need a catheter. Have a little idea about it thanks for all the info from Alison.

Speaking of which, Alison how was your holiday and how are things in with your dad.

I have been feeing much better and had a bit of pep and planned things to do today, then felt like I had been kicked in the stomach again after lunch, so the plans went out the window, Feel better now and hope that stays as I fly out tomorrow. Looking forward to it.

Take care all and do something good for you

I've been so tired for weeks, first was Christmas trip out of town - which went well enough - and then new dog! I have an amazing new dog, Elsa, she is a rescue dog and was the darling of Chicago... so many people rooted for her because she comes from very bad level of neglect. I've had her just under a week and she's amazing. Her excitement for life has rubbed off on me so much, even my dad really likes her. The energy in this house has changed much for the better. But I'm so tired I can't think straight. Be back when I can. Hope everyone is doing good and winning your battles, whatever they are. Big hugs.

Thank you to all who took the time to read and respond to my lengthy invective. It is reassuring to know that there is a place to vent and discuss our situations with those who actually "get it!"

cmagnum: My husband does have POA and is the executor for the "estate" such as it is... Husband's SIL was supposed to be POA but never seemed to find the time to go four blocks to the attorney's office to complete the necessary paperwork. My father-in-law was a very successful business man but he failed miserably in planning for retirement. My in-laws lived a very good life and shared their good fortune by helping their daughters and their daughter's grandchildren. My husband and I were aware of the inequities and favoritism within his family but chose to live our own life and stayed, for the most part at arms-length. We would have liked to have had a closer relationship with his family but his family tends to be enmeshed and quite narcissistic. We were not allowed into their inner circle unless there was work to be done.

I have been POA for my mother and have been focused on her needs for nearly thirty years so I didn't think I needed be involved with what my in-laws had planned for their later years. In fact, my concern would not have been well received as I am and always have been an outsider in my husband's family.

Then about ten years ago my husband and I were alerted by FIL that there were money issues. My husband and I attempted to help his parents to make a plan. All of our suggestions were dismissed because they would have involved downsizing and a lowering in their living standards. Hence, the inevitable financial meltdown.

My in-laws had enough money saved with the proceeds from the sale of their home to pay for about six months of rent after they moved into the nursing home. I knew it was only a matter of time before his family needed apply for Medicaid. That is why my husband called a family meeting to get everyone involved and parcel out to his sisters some of MIL/FIL neglected and unfinished tasks. Some of the tasks included purchasing a funeral plan and a headstone. Four months after this meeting, his SIL had done nothing. Can you say passive-aggressive? Fortunately for us, my husband went ahead and bought the funeral plans for both his parents BEFORE their last dollars were spent on nursing home rent. Getting a headstone was the task given to my other SIL task and after repeated inquiries by my husband, we were told that the headstone was still "in the design" phase. This went on for five months and so the headstone did not get purchased before money ran out. Then when it was time to get Medicaid involved, his sisters said they didn't know what to do and asked me to do the application since I had experience from doing my mother's application. Can you say sucker?

Yes it is quite a mess! And now my in-laws look to us to make it all right. We have done our best to help these people. It was not our choice but we ended up with this mess dropped in our laps because neither of husband's sisters want the responsibility. My MIL was from a rich family and was quite spoiled and is IMHO very greedy and selfish. She and her daughters want what they want and it is a constant battle to hold the line. We have set up a budget and a joint account that the siblings contribute to each month for the phone bill, newspaper, haircuts and misc. clothing purchases. MIL hates it and usually runs out of money before the end of the month. (total monthly contributions = $300.00 from siblings plus MIL/FIL have another $100.00 that Medicaid allows them to keep.) She refuses to say where she spends the money or says she can't remember what she bought. I now have MIL/FIL checking records going back to the time before their money ran out, I noted that she was blowing through a grand per month AFTER moving into the nursing home. On what I don't know but the check memo says that many of the checks were written to SIL for "shopping." MIL's weekly hair appointments has and continues to be a sore subject. When I suggested going to a shorter, low-maintenance cut, like my thrifty mother, I was told by both SILs, in the most rude, condescending and snarky tone that my MIL was used to having more in her life than my Mom and also that it would kill her to not get her hair done weekly. That was the last straw for me! We have gone No Contact.

Countrymouse: I have a file an inch thick of containing copies of nasty, snarky letters from SIL. Seems that they are now the poor victims and can't understand how my husband would "go along" with me in our "shunning" them. MIL and FIL have gotten into the act as well with various manipulations in an attempt to get the family back together. What they have forgotten is that there never was much family "togetherness." FIL has some dementia and I try to excuse some of his actions but he was rude and condescending before the dementia.

I wish we could just chuck it all back to husband's SIL but they refuse to take responsibility. All the paperwork we handle on behalf of MIL/FIL is quite enough but its the in laws bad behavior that is driving me mad.

Thank you all again for allowing me to vent!

Bookluvr: What can I say? Your comments are spot on! Thank you!

Ladies, I did find a pair of waterproof over pants at Walmart. Sorry Veronica I thought you meant an actual pair of pants. If I can get a locker then I can keep them in the locker along with my work shoes then I can wear a pair of slippers to and from work. Thank you all for the great ideas.

Alison- I am happy you are enjoying Elsa. Dogs/ cats are great comfort and company. My hubs has finally let down his brick wall toward Midget and is finally bonding with her.

Music, thanks for the update.! That is quite a mess.

It sounds like this joint account for MIL is just a funnel for MIL to have money to give to her daughters and spend on her precious hair done.

Your MIL sounds like her husband spoiled her as well as her family of origin! he sounds rather narcissistic himself. They all sound like they think they are better than others, and are trying to keep up appearances while the parents are dirt poor on medicaid! Along with being enmeshed and dysfunctional, it sounds like they are all having a group psychotic break with reality!

What a selfish woman who remains totally out of contact with the reality of her finances. What does she think being on medicaid means? It an't rich! She would have a royal drama queen melt down which would probably send her to mental hospital if she had to live monthly on the $100 per month that medicaid allows them to keep. .

The SIL doesn't want the responsibility because then she would have to really face reality. She's cut out of the same mold as her mom evidently. How did your husband grow up so normal inside such a dysfunctional family system? Well what you wrote answered my question in that the parents were extremely close with their daughters and their daughters' children, and left your husband free to basically fend for himself.

I'm sorry that your husband, your son and yourself are treated as outsiders, but ya'll are the ones called in to rescue everything while the Young and the Restless (the two sisters) Search for Tomorrow at the Edge of Night, at their parents' Somerset with more drama than the Days of Our Lives living in Another World without any Guiding Light (of reason other than your husband) as The World Turns.trying to escape The Moment of Truth in the Dark Shadows of their parents' death! How tragic! But it is what it what it is. Sounds like there is enough drama in this family to write a whole new set of Soap Operas to last several decades!

I hope you enjoyed my use of Soap Opera titles to describe what you wrote about. I wish you well in this horrible journey.

I hope that you can stick to your boundaries, build any new ones as needed and finds ways to detach emotionally from the drama while you do your responsibilities with love.

There is some good material here about detaching with love in dealing with toxic relationships. See the list @
https://www.agingcare.com/search.aspx?searchterm=detaching+with+love

Great advice using the Soap Opera titles. I was giggling as I continued to read it. And even amazed that you threw in Dark Shadows. Loved that show when I was a kid. Sisters and I were in love with Barnabas! Unfortunately, as an adult, I have no interest in watching that show.

Book, thanks! I was hoping to bring a smile on people's faces by writing it that was. I probably could have gone on and used more titles, but I simply ran out in writing a terribly long run on sentence.

Momcare - Welcome to AC (agingcare). The reasons for caregiving people can be quite complicated. Dad and I had been caregiving mom when she was diagnosed with dementia about 24 years ago. Of that 24 years, she was bedridden for about 13 years. My dad and I have asked and asked - with specifics - and it fell on deaf ears with my siblings. The only time they helped was when I was crying hysterically, ran out of the house yelling at father, jumping into my car and speeding off - hoping I would get into an accident that would kill me. I was never successful on that one. I rarely cry. So, when I cry, the siblings know it's very very bad. Then they step in. Whatever.... But you are right - that sometimes caregivers do forget that they need to be specific when asking for help. Unfortunately, that they didn't and doesn't work with my siblings. I know my options. And this is where I must be - if I'm to live with myself.

Karan - Welcome to AC! I read your words with sadness. Even when I had reached the darkest time when I was caregiving mom, I was never at the stage where you are. When my dad dies, that may be a totally different story. I might find myself in your situation - no job, and no one wanting to hire me because I'm not in my 20's but close to retirement age. Here on island, I see a lot of the elderly people working in jobs that no young ones want. They work as cleaners in MacDonalds, as gas attendants at the Shell gas stations, as janitors in other malls. I had always thought if you had computer skills, you had a leg inside the job scene. I guess not, because they, too, want younger people with fresh new ideas. Are you imaginative? (I'm not.) I'm thinking maybe you can try your hand on something dealing with your computer skills and make it into an income - even while at home. Try your hand at photography, etc.... You can always come back to vent here when your father pisses you off. And here's a great Big Hug to you ...
{{{{{{ HUGS }}}}}}}

Good Morning everyone! Good to be back! January 2nd I brought Mother back from PHC. She was there from Christmas Eve and was spending more time with her than at home. She is feeling better, breathing better and seems to periodically recognize her surroundings, calling the place where she was part of our "homestead!"...She never understood that she was in the hospital. They did a fantastic job with her and I will commend them for it....care was good, food was timely and better quality, which was a surprise for me. Mom was there because of pneumonia, Uti and low sodium/dehydration ( this was a surprise in itself, as she drank a lot of water - low electrolytes!)...In between being with her and home duties I went looking at what other Nursing homes were like in out area, as they wanted her to go into Rehab because of the bedsore, otherwise she did not qualify...needless to say, I realized that many were quite clean, the care would never be the same as at home, or in the acute care in the hospital and therefore she would fall in between the cracks...I got my fill in essence of what I wanted to see and made a decision to bring her home. I was successful in getting her an air mattress through Medicare and I had the Visiting Nurse in the house yesterday admitting her into home aide program temporarily - she mentioned two months, I think. What a lovely lady came out to interview Mother's case. My thinking to bring Mother home was that it would be easier for me to care for her home instead of running between Rehab, job and home...I wanted to share an amazing way pressure sores are treated...wound care liquid gently into the sore, a few times padded and dried by a sterile pad, then the sore/hole filled with a piece of what looks like a cotton rope - alginate, then gently covered by a moon looking padded cover...So far I was able to do a good job three times with this wound cream...Of course the turning to one side and then the other with a pillow under the backside/lower back and barrier cream for the rest of the lower back, etc and of course frequent changes for cleanliness...I feel good and getting used to this new pattern of care...There are good peaceful days and there are some anxious ones...question, on the latter is it a good idea when I am called every five minutes to answer eery call? Drives me a little crazy, as when I respond she either forgot or says that she did not call me?! Thanks all and Happy New Year to everyone!

Musicmade,

Welcome to the thread. At the moment I really don't know what to say either to you.I'm going to have to read your post again, I need another cup of coffee.

Much Love & Light! Margeaux

Cmagnum,

Your post to Musicmade and the comparisons to the Soaps were great!
As always your advice is as well.

Much Love & Light! Margeaux

Musicmade,

Many times in families, when I believe someone has been financially favored, as were you SIL"s and their families, if the parents need help, you'd think they'd really help. Oh yes, but they are as greedy as their parents.

I don't know enough about the law, but do you think your husband would be willing to seek out some legal advice about this matter? IDK, do you think it might help if your husband just refused to make this contribution? Doe he use an accounting system, as in itemization of what is spent, and what it was for?
Once again, I'm no expert in any of these areas, just thought I'd give you some
ideas based on instinct. Has your husband ever actually expressed any of the money concerns with the parents? This is absolutely terrible, and I do understand,
being the scapegoat in the family.

This is the huge reason that I'm not at all the main caregiver of my mother, because your situation can echo my own.

Much Love & Light! Margeaux

Alison,

It's good to hear from you, and congratulations on the new doggie!
Pets are wonderful for changing up the energy.

Hugs,
Much Love & Light! Margeaux

Seconded - Alison, congratulations on rescuing a dog and may she bring joy and hope to her new forever home. As well as renewed fitness levels for you!

More smiley faces to add to my review of mother's rehab home - I mentioned that our dog is patrolling her rooms at home daily, looking for her, and they said he was welcome to visit! They have therapy pets coming in to help so I knew they were pro dog, but I didn't realise companion animals would be allowed. It's a great idea for patients who are missing their own pets, but in our case we're talking about a 60lb+ Staffordshire bull terrier cross who, while beautifully well-mannered, can be a bit excitable and certainly would be if he caught scent of mother. I don't think skittling over an entire corridor of rehab patients as he made his mercy dash to her side would go down that well…

Even better news, mother can wiggle her left foot and her speech is clearer. Now admittedly I only know that she can move her foot because I tickled it, and that her speech is clearer because of the well-chosen words she gave me for doing that, but I don't care! There is movement! It was worth the invective.

A little later, the nurse I thought was responding to her call for the bedpan (she is doing *so* well) was actually coming in with the patients' phone - my brother again. He must think I've moved in. Mother spoke to him for quite a bit longer and managed the cordless phone pretty well, which is great. Less great, when she passed him on to me, was the news that he plans to visit her next weekend. Hm, well, does he indeed.

Now. My brother can visit his own mother whenever he likes. I couldn't stop him even if I wanted to, and I don't want to because mother will be thrilled to pieces. So. How do I politely but firmly say "you're not bringing your mad wife, are you." Or, if I can't think of any way to say that which is likely to end well, how do I limit the damage the bloody woman could do if she starts practising her fondly remembered "rehab skills" on mother? I think I'm going to have to speak to the Sister in charge, and not go overboard on it, but somehow make it crystal clear that in no circumstances should they be left unsupervised. I mean, what if she tries to get her out of bed? What if she brings food? What if she starts - excuse my language - chatting sh*t to care assistants who won't know better than to believe her? The scope for mayhem is limitless.

There is also the side issue that I hope my brother isn't expecting to stay with us. He'd better not be.

Very CLEVER, cmagnum!

cmagnum: At last some comic relief from this situation we are in! I remember many of those old soaps. Thank you for brightening my day.

And thank you for sharing the link. I did stumble across that article once before and it has some very good ideas for detaching emotionally. It is not easy to draw boundaries with enmeshed families as they will use guilt, rage, and crisis among their "tools" to get you back in the fold. In the last couple of years my in-laws have used them all and some more than once. It seems they didn't want us around much when times were good now it seems they want us around only because they need us. It is exhausting and sometimes one does begin to question themselves. Warning!!! It's a trap! I know, I have fallen for it in the past...


Margeaux: Thank you for your comments. Since I am considered the "experienced caregiver", I am also the one who handles all the paperwork, insurance, Medicaid, Medicare and misc. correspondence. I also pay the bills for MIL/FIL from the joint "sibling account". I do this for my own mother as well as for MIL/FIL. You should see my files! Yikes!

I take care to keep good records for the bills that are delivered to our address, i.e. nursing home bills, phone bills, newspaper bills and MIL's stylist bills us directly for MIL's weekly hair appointments. I pay SILs for the bills that they submit for "shopping" for clothing items, makeup purchases, etc. However, MIL/FIL want their Medicaid allotted $100.00 each month in cash. Where that money goes is questionable and has even mysteriously disappeared from their room on at least one occasion and the staff was blamed. (No, I don't believe for a minute that that was the case.) I do know that they like to have food delivered since they don't like the food at the nursing home but I have no record or proof as to where any of the rest goes and MIL/FIL will feign "poor memory" if you ask them where the money was spent.

Yep, it sure does sound like a soap opera. Sometimes, it's hard to believe that we are dealing with adults. From reading other posts on this thread I find that I am not alone.

Musicmade, I am glad that what I wrote brightened your day and that you found the information on the link helpful in dealing with the dysfunctional inlaws and outlawsl Boundaries are never easy, but they serve to protect us, but rarely do they change others which is not their purpose anyway. I've had to detach from several dysfunctional people in my immediate and extended family for my own survival and for the survival of my own immediate family. I wish you the best and truly you are not alone. I'm afraid too many only grow old without growing up.

Cmag~Great reference to the soaps, Haha..I had a good laugh too! So right you are that many grow old without growing up.

Musicmade, Tamma and all the other new people, I am not ignoring you as you have been given such great info from the others, there was nothing I could add.I am thinking of all of you so keep coming back.

I got to work at 12pm. My sister called shortly after I got there. I did not answer thinking I would check my voicemail during my break.Then my hubs texted me saying my mom fell again receiving a bump on her head and he would keep me updated. I called my sister, she said mom was at the ER and she was in no hurry to come down since she was ok and could I go to the hospital!! Really??? I am at work, it is not life threatening, you are the primary on her DPOA and it is your day off work???!!!! I told her no, I just got here at work.

At 3pm I went outside for a smoke break, my brother calls...I answered asking how mom was doing. He said he just got back from Arizona and received a call from the hospital that they cannot locate anyone to come pick up our mother!!!! I explain to him that sis said she was taking her time coming down...I can't leave work for every non life threatening issue because sis is in no hurry!! He said he would call sis and if he has to pick mom up he will, I said no, let me know if you reach her and I will leave to pick her up take her back to the facility and come back to work. He said no. During my lunch break between 4-4:30 I called both sis and my brother with no luck. Then my brother calls me back, he and sis got mom back to the facility.One of her shoes...the soul has detached probably causing her fall. Sis has been saying she would get mom new shoes for the last 2 months.After I clock back in, sis calls me, they took an MRI..no bleeding in the brain, blood work was normal. While trying to get mom from the car into the facility, mom trips into a flower bed...no injury....sis says she took the shoes from mom and will get her a new pair on WEDNESDAY when she comes down again to take mom to the podiatrist. NOT ACCEPTABLE...I told her I will take mom out tomorrow to get her a new pair of velcro tab shoes...sis hesitates...well...ok...I can always return them??? Really??? Am I unable to fit shoes on someone, or do they need to be color coordinated for your narcissistic needs???

Sorry, I need to vent because my sis failed on this one because she expected me to leave work to accommodate her. It is unacceptable to me that my mother was left at the ER with no family member there to support her. Of course sis probably though that a person from the facility would be there...wrong...it does not work that way. Or maybe she just did not care because mom would not remember.

CM~Along with all the questions you are asking in your resent post...I can understand your concerns and just like you I have my own. Should I tell the facility to please call me since I am local because it is apparent my sis cannot be relied upon even on her days off work??? I don't want to make my sis look bad because of her own health issues and she had not eaten yet when they called her, or showered. The eating part is important for a diabetic....Am I over reacting???Not showing up until 3 hours after the fact with a 40 minute drive down here???

Also, I think my mom may be declining with her mobility. I noticed on Christmas that she has trouble rising from a sitting position...her knees/thighs are not supporting her to rise up and she stumbled in my kitchen almost falling into the kitchen counter. I don't know if a cane would help or if we should get her a walker to see if she would use that with success. My sis wanted to get a wheelchair after her first fall, but I told her we cannot restrain her to that extent before she is ready for it.Would physical therapy help to strengthen her thighs so she can get up easier??? I know I am probably grasping at straws here but I don't want to see my mom immobile..it is too soon, she has been great with mobility.

Due to the HIPAA law, unless you're the POA, they should not be calling you. The way to get around this is if your mom or sister signs that form that all the dental and medical clinics hand out to you asking whom they are allowed to release information to. You've seen those forms. I always put no. I really should put my sister's name. Using the iPad. It's slow going and I don't have much time left before time to do dad. I'm glad that you and your brother are doing your best to let sis do her POA duty. If she cannot handle the duties, she really needs to step down. Unfortunately, your mom will be needing more and more help.

Physical therapy will help. But remember, your mom may still fall. If she keeps falling, she may break her hip bones. Sorry, my mind is sluggish. I only had 4 hours of sleep. (I'm reading this page-turner hardcover book. I might buy the paperback or ebook for keeps.) .. Got it! Maybe get your mom that trusty cane that you see in the commercials. If canes are not stable enough, then the walker... Which I heard can be just as bulky or heavy for them -that they stop using it. Wheelchair is usually the last resort,,, bedsores on their 'behind'...

SM, no you are not overreacting! What is Mom had had a brain bleed? A trip to the ER is an emergency and until they run their gamut of tests you do not know what may have caused the fall. This has happened so many times here, four I think now. That I need to transport Mom to ER for different reasons, one EMT's and ER staff thought it may have been a stroke, turned out it was a UTI. And lovely TS2, POA has yet to make one of the ER visits. Three of them became hospitalizations. One time her excuse was she did not have a car. Where does she live?! Timbuktu?! No, about 8 miles from the hospital and in this metropolitan area of 2.5 million people I guess she thinks there is no such thing as a cab or bus or even a helpful neighbor to get her there.

I am in agreement is sibs are not willing to drop everything in an emergency, then they should step down and let successor take care of everything necessary. In my case ts2 makes the excuse that since I am the caregiver POA should not be me. Kind of backwards thinking, IMHO, the person that knows the Mom and her health best should be able to take care of all without having to consult in an emergency! Absurd!

Sharynmarie,

That's terrible, what you're saying how this happened, and about those shoes.
I realize that your're trying to rise above it w/your sister when you've said,
that you understood she not being able to go immediately on account of the distance, and her diabetes. Although I do understand that to a point, don't make too many excuses for her either. She failed to do something obviously important enough, which was buying the shoes. Now I'm not saying that your mom may not have taken a fall for another reason, but I do think there is some contributory negligence going on with your sister as it relates to her responsibilities. I completely agree with others, maybe it's time for her to step down, if she can't handle it, which is what is happening.

You are not over-reacting whatsoever, heck I'd be so p****d off!

Hugs,
Much Love & Light! Margeaux

Sharynmarie,

;My observations about people who become weak in their thighs, is they're body is losing the ability to control movement upon standing, something of which the thighs play a big role. I have seen this with my neighbor, who had two venous procedures done 2 yrs., ago now. She's failed to at least do even a minimal amount of walking, and I can't believe that she never got physical therapy after she had the procedure done, Hence her legs have become quite weak. There has been a huge decline in her mobility, and she struggles to get out of chairs. She for now has used a cane, but her vanity gets in the way, because I think she doesn't want to appear disabled.

It could be time to get your mom a walker. My mom has owned several of them.
I think for seniors in this condition, a walker makes more sense. because it provides balanced support compared to a cane. If she's not walking much at this time, it could possibly encourage her to walk more. Try whatever it is to keep her mobile, of course that being when she recovers from her fall.

There are very lightweight walkers on the market, mom has had the heavier one.
This last year she got a very lightweight walker. Just try to keep her somewhat mobile, to the point that she can manage.

Much Love & Light! Margeaux