The Caregiver & Dysfunctional Families: How are you doing?

Yep, I got one of those e-mails from AC and have not taken the time to respond to their survey.

I did not get any emails from AC

I checked the email. I couldn't find it. So I checked the junk email. It was sent there - with the update/survey. I still think it's so gigantic.

Me either

I talked with AC yesterday because I was having trouble posting a question to the Heart Disease forum. They told me that they had really locked down security because of spamming and other issues that had been increasing. Maybe they felt it was a good time to re-design other features too.

I agree it is a good time to re-design because for the last couple of days, I've come across one or two spammers a day that I've been reporting.

The spam above has been reported plus other threads where they are repeating this same message.

Thank you cmag!!

Well my daughter is back home. Logan is having a hard time and has been crying almost non stop. I tried to help but my daughter put up her hand saying do not talk. I got p!$&ed and told her do not treat me like this I come all this way for these babies not for you... You are an adult now so grow up and do not disrespect me I don't care how much stress you are under.

I glad I leaving tomorrow fr here on out when I ce it will be only for a few days and I will stay at a hotel.

SM, try not to take your daughter's reaction personally. My middlemchild was a coliccy mess for nine months. My poor husband, mother, anyone that came near me! So terribly stressful! It took my hubby leaving town on a business trip to break my daughter of her constant screaming. I felt sometimes like bouncing her off the walls. And times two?! That would have been absolutely unbearable. New babies are alot of work and stress. Probably three times or four times as much when there are two. Just when you get one settled the other starts in, I'm sure. And stressful for YOU too, and you want to do everything just right to help, but those darn babies have their own ideas of how things should work. In a few months they will be much more fun, and a bit less work.

I bet it has been wonderful for you to spend this time with them. Such cuddly, warm bundles they are, but very difficult sometimes too. Enjoy the time you have left there and just breathe. I don't blame you for being angry, there is not a more helpless feeling than trying to soothe a screaming baby and nothing works!

Me1000 - it would be great if everyone got on drugs - prescription drugs- from your son, daughter and grandpa. You, too if you still think you need it after everyone's on it regularly. You can drag a horse to the trough but you cannot force it to drink. So, you can try to get everyone on RX but there's no guaranty they will take it regularly in order for it to benefit.

In the end, you might as well have been the one to take meds - to help you to deal with the stress. The thing is, you need to be determined to work it through - until you find the right meds, the right dosage - for You. Trial and error. BUT, I have heard from numerous posters here how it made a Big difference in their daily lives - and they weren't screaming with their hands-pulling-at-their-hair frustration.

To me, with what you're dealing - I would take the route of finding meds to help me. And then when that's successful (you're now calm and collected), I would then aim to find meds for the kids - to help calm them down and not over-react to life.

SM - my fave sis did that to me several times - over her grands. I've learned to back off. Then it just irritates me when the kids are acting up - and then she uses me to get them to behave. "Better stop or Aunty will get mad at you!" Then, she will tell me to get mad at them. I just looked at her, looked at the disobedient child who looked at me with trepidation waiting for me to get mad - and I looked back at sis - and shrugged (then went back to reading my book.) {{chuckling}} Then her grandson continued disobeying. She cannot have it both ways. Anyway, I figured she needs to learn to discipline them since they are her grands. I'm not the Aunty Police to be used as a scare tactic to get the kids to obey them.

Yes, like the Kenny Roger's song Gambler. "Know when to help and know when to back off." Maybe staying at a hotel is better (knowing when to 'back off') so that you're not under their feet 24/7 for several days. Hard to say. While everyone's cooling off, and you go back home, take the time to replay the time you were there. Did you unintentionally took over the kids? Did you unintentionally invaded their private routines with their children (quality time)? Then, you when figure out what happened, have a call or email your daughter and discuss it. To avoid making the same mistake on your next visit.

Welp, wouldn't you just know it! Mom's doc office called yesterday to cancel her appointment as the doc will not be in the office. The twisted ones made such a fuss about ts1, (that spends maybe 8 hours tops with mom a month) taking her they now probably think I cancelled the appointment. Noperino, did not do that. Court ordered ts2 to take mom to appointments or give me a HIPPA release (been trying to get that for two years). Well ts2 is not taking court order seriously, now what? And ts#1 thinks the court ordered more involvement for her?! I certainly hope no court ever orders involvement in someone's care! Disaster waiting to happen. If either of the were interested, had the time, etx I would think they would have taken her by now. But not once in the 3.5 years I have been here!

Ts2 plans on having ts1 take mom since she is such an expert on everything. Ts2 is just afraid to stand up to her, she does not want to become the subject of ts1's wrath. Nope, not a fun place to be.

I could just see the smoke rising when the twisted ones read my email! And ts1 makes such a big deal about needing two weeks notice to be able to do anything to assist. She loses money because she does not schedule clients. Now she has nobody scheduled for that time slot next week, and if she really wants to take mom will now need to schedule another few hours without clients. She has gotten so angry with me when plans change, just has no freaking idea that the ability to be flexible is at the top of the list if you are a caregiver.

Boy, you're right. Flexibility is a Must. Hence the low paying job I had for the past 20 years. I can call the boss at home and tell him that I can't come in because I have to take dad to the ER - now that he has finally agreed to go. Or if sis calls me at work, and I'm needed at home ASAP, I can tell the boss that I need to go home now. They have always given me the flexibility when it came to mom (and then dad.) Drove me nuts when I took off for the day to babysit mom so that dad can go to the clinic. And he changes his mind, like 20 minutes before his appointment! I can just see the 2 TS blaming you for every last minute changes of your mom. You, Scapegoat!!!

Thank you Glad but my daughter would not treat her father or MIL this way. I do too much for her and she takes it for granted and has no appreciation. My coming here in August was disappointing enough... I understand how stressful it is. Being rude and nasty is not how you treat someone just because they are your family. She is not a teenager anymore.

Thank you Cmag

Oo. Sharyn… can you be cross with her later? I'm just thinking back to how absolutely horrible I was as a young mother and feeling awful about it now. She's not a teenager, you're right. And she shouldn't be rude and nasty, you're right. It's just that another way of seeing it is that with you, you alone, she can let her guard down and be as anxious, irritable and unreasonable as she needs to be, if you see what I mean? I suppose what I'm trying to say is that it's a kind of warped compliment, if you can look at it like that. Not one you'd want! - but still shows that it's you she trusts completely. One day, she'll know how wrong it is. But for now don't let it split you all up. Big hugs, and you can have the apologies I owe my poor mother!

Sharynmarie,

Other's have posted some very good takes on your situation with your daughter.
I completely agree......that given the twins young age that this the time for so much
baby work for everyone involved. Parents want grandparents to be involved,
and vice versa. You live faraway, and are hoping for a copacetic visit. But then these adorable babies, start acting up, and we who are now a bit older get our nerves frayed much faster than they used to, all of that..........can add up to a rather chaotic visit. But there is redemption in the fact,, that if one is flexible and accepting of the fact, that crying babies are just part of the territory.........there has to be some kind of acceptance of that time frame in a baby's life, which as was said, won't be forever.

Yes, your daughter isn't a teenager anymore........and I'm not saying this to be sarcastic in any way. She's a mom now. Maybe she's just trying to implement her own routines and this is new territory for her. Sure, it's understandable to want to be involved, helpful, etc.........but it is also wise to also know when to just step away a bit. Babies are sensitive too, if they feel other's tension, they will act up.

Hugs,
Much Love & Light! Margeaux

First let me say that it hAd nothing to do with me advising her on the babies, it was just a non baby conversation and Logan started crying then screaming. I understand and know first hand about cranky babies my son was one. All she has to do is say can we finish this later. I was not insensitive to what was going on but this is not the first time she has been very rude to me. I just not going to be as available.

Sharynmarie,

I just wanted to add, about being older and getting our nerves frayed........this is what I experience each time I go to mom's house, w/three kids, three yrs. of age and under currently residing over there. I was there the last time for 3.5 hrs., and after just 1 hr., oh boy.........I had to walk outside. It frazzled me big time!

I have a whole grandma story that involves none other than my sister, but I'll save that one for another time.

Hugs, hugs,
Much Love & Light! Margeaux

Margeaux- thank you but my time with the boys was not stressful at all. My daughter was the one hoping to come home to a happy reunion and it did not turn out that way.

My moms dr Rx a cortisone packet for vertigo and said she may have had a TIA since she is having a problem with her left foot. The walker has been ordered and PT has been approved.

Hi all. I had another lovely day with my mother! Maybe since she moved in the indep living place she feels better about herself and is easier to get along with now. Such a relief to feel love for her again, instead of steely anger. Of course there always is the brick wall, dead end, or about face behavior, but this is lasting long enough now for me to feel a bit more relaxed. I do notice that the more I relax, the better she does. She still talks non-stop, can't hear a lot, cuts me off and so on but I am learning to realize this is who she is now and it only hurts me to try to change her. I am letting a lot of smaller junk just go by, or tune my ears out to her and attend to driving or whatever I am doing with her. I take her to places where she can shop and she doesn't feel the need to lean on me and dominate me. I walk away and check in on how she is doing, helping as needed or offering to get things in the store for her. I feel more confident on how to be with her now.

Since she has new friends in her new place, I am getting back to my life and made a new male friend whom I hope to go dancing with.

I thought you'd all like to read some happy news for a change!:)

not going to try to catch up too much - too far behind now.

Sharyn -things happening with your mum I guess it is inevitable. Glad you are on top of it,

glad tws up to their usual nonsense. I am so relieved that mine is overseas and has no formal involvement,

judda - happy for you that things are going well with your mum for now. We know that can change. New male friend and dancing - yeah!!!

Book - good advice to Me re drugs

Me - working on yourself first is a good idea

cm - that bro and sil of yours take the cake. How dare they!!! I am glad you are assertive!

Back home from my trip and I am absolutely wiped. Visited my mil in hospital. She has lost weight and still has bruising from 5 weeks ago, but is in decent spirits. On the way out I bumped into my ex bil who is an emotional mess. He has been on disability for depression for years and checked himself into the same hospital his mum is in a few days after she went in. He is about the same age as my oldest and collapsed onto my shoulder in tears. He has his own place, but stays with his mum most of the time. Not a healthy relationship. Last winter he actually died for 4 minutes from a drug overdose. No one says if it was intentional or not. Ex G says he thinks J (ex bil) will not be around long after their mum dies. That may well be right. There is a mess with who is to make decisions about ex mil. A friend of her daughter (who was bipolar and committed suicide years ago) has been helping her out over the years and has POA. Ex bil thinks family should be the ones, yet he admits he and ex G cannot be in the same room together. I know ex G doesn’t want to do it and J is not emotionally stable. He was angry when I mentioned the lady who has it. She - Linda - has contacted me and we will talk on the phone. She needs support from/communication with the family. Ex G is not responding to her attempts to contact him, but he has to me, so I guess I can be a go-between. I don't envy her position. She is a very level headed person, thankfully. I will contact some family out of town to keep them informed. So I guess my caregiving duties have been extended a bit - not really what I needed at this time, but ex mil have been friends for years now and she has been a sweetie to me. I will do whatever I can to help Linda. I may have to be the one to talk to ex bil about the POA and that Linda is his mother's choice and that has to be honoured. Ex G's present wife wants nothing to do with her mil so she is no help at all. This fits well under caregiving and the dysfun fam. Thank goodness Gary's parents will not get into this kind of mess.

All of this is hitting me harder because exmil is a link to Gordie and when she goes that is lost. They were very fond of one another. It is a trigger, and also because of the friend who died last year at Christmas.

Still waiting to hear about moving mother. It is hanging over my head and I want to get it over and done with. I know there will be a time of transition, most of which I will expect the staff to look after, but some of which will be related to her stored stuff and G and I will have to deal with that. I never thought my 70s would be like this. It better not carry into my 80s though there is no reason to think that mother may not survive for a while yet.

I took a cab to and from the airport, The plane was over 2 hours late, so I was very tired when I got there and there the temps were cold with wind chill. On the way back, it was a safety issue. There is a big step down from the sky shuttle as there is no curb where they pull up to let you off and I nearly lost my footing once. Combine that with ice, and I am not taking chances. Thankfully I got cheap flights. I will contact the sky shuttle company about a step stool like the busses use.

So, although the theatre was nice as always, it was a difficult trip, and G as usual is too busy with work and horses. Looks like it is warming up a bit the next week here. It was bitterly cold in E'ton most of the time I was there. Another 6 weeks and the worst of it will be over.

Got the sneezes and sniffles, so laying low, put on a fire, drinking tea, taking Cold FX , it really works for me. Homemade chicken soup for supper should help. Have a good evening, everyone and do something good for you!

It;s me back. My plan to put Mother in assisted living fell apart like a 15 cent suitcase. Sibling trouble. I just couldn't stand the pressure, so I relented and am going to carry on a few more months. I feel terrible and can hardly cope. Feel so bitter about the whole thing. My best friend got tired of my sadness and complaining and has distanced herself from me. God it hurts so bad. No plan at the moment. Mother and I had the flu all week. Sicker than I have ever been in my life. I'm at the bottom of the barrel with no hope to get out. Thanks for hearing me out.

Emjo I'd be a bit concerned about taking on even more diplomatic missions. Except at least with your exMIL there is definitely no FOG involved, and you like the person you'll be supporting, and it's important to you for Gordie's sake, and - hey! who knows? You might even get some appreciation for it! But watch it, won't you? I like the sound of your late SIL's (? - getting muddled) friend. Some people are stout enough to do a job conscientiously and just shrug it off if people get shirty with them about it. They're very worthwhile sorts, I always think. And sometimes it's nice to have a smaller, sweeter project in hand to take your mind off the difficult main one. Hope the chicken soup nips that cold in the bud.

I am feeling extremely grumpy about my day, for all sorts of unworthy reasons. Mainly sheer ungraciousness on my part. I am feeling patronised by Dr Daughter and Lovely Nephew 2, I suppose, is what it comes down to. The only consolation is I'm pretty sure my POA brother (LN2's father) will be feeling much the same. Brother and SIL's visit to mother got off to a shaky start when at two hours' notice they turned up yesterday evening, instead of today as expected. Daughter and I were with mother, persuading her to drink, when the unmistakeable shrill foghorn approached the room door. Quick handover and we left them to it. Daughter gave me a hug once we were outside and told me she was proud of me. Humph. I'd spoken to the senior nurse in charge of the shift earlier and outlined my concerns as rationally as I could, the main one being that I was mortally afraid of SIL's deciding she knew best what diet mother should be on and feeding her something inappropriate. Actually, that was and is a genuine concern - SIL has form on this, and diet is after all her field, and mother's swallowing looks fine to the naked eye. But there we are - mother was still alive this morning, so whatever happened when I wasn't looking it can't have been too disastrous.

This morning was worse, because daughter and LN2 had engineered a meeting on neutral ground for brother and self to "have a chat." I don't know what they'd done with SIL for the morning - locked her in a cupboard? - but they were correct in thinking that if she'd been in the party I would flatly have refused to go. Brother and LN2 went to the wrong café - who knew there'd be two Costa Coffees in a place as teeny as our home town? I certainly didn't. Daughter had a train to catch. I would much rather have spent our limited time just with her. It was freezing cold and windy. I didn't know where the other bloody café was, but we had to go and find them because LN2 had already called daughter to ask what we wanted to order. Increasingly stamping rather than walking, I was not at my sunniest by the time we found them.

So we had coffee (cold, humph) and a chat and brother said that mother was looking a hundred times better than he'd feared and asked what the discharge plan is. I have no idea. But anyway we're all agreed that mother will get home as soon as it's safe and realistic. And that when we sell the house, which is still the plan, though God knows when it'll happen, we'll buy or rent another for just mother and me. And he's cool with that. And he even asked how I was doing [thinks: is LN2 actually kicking you under the table?] And we didn't argue, or disagree about mother - though his main anxiety is for how bored she must be. One day I must find some way of explaining "projection" to him - and then we had to go, and LN2 mentioned tentatively that they were going back to see Granny and "Mum" was going to give her lunch. Oh BOY!!! I thought I'd best pretend I hadn't heard that bit and trust the nursing staff to handle it. Then all the way to the train station daughter was laying the praise about how well we'd behaved on with a trowel - a strategy she picked up from my Texan psychotherapist friend who was a second mother to her when she was little - but I was driving so I couldn't poke her in the eye.

And I dare say that now not only Dr daughter and LN2 but also my son, my DIL, Cactus Flower daughter, LN1 and brother's DIL will all be busily conspiring about how to stop their "olds" behaving like stroppy toddlers and getting into fights again.

It is lovely to know that the next generation down is so sensible, and constructive, and supportive, and adult about things. Slightly less lovely to feel strong-armed by them. But eyes on the prize: if it smooths mother's path, I must just be grateful. Humph. Again. Who do they think they are bloody United Nations rhubarb mutter grumble….

Then this evening ex-SO nobly volunteered to come with me to see mother. I knew he'd hate every second of it, so I thanked him and offered him an honourable out, but I suspect daughter might have asked what he thought of how mother was getting on and been a bit horrified when he said he hadn't been to see her yet. So he did come, and he did hate every second of it, but he talked to mother kindly as ever and she was pleased to see him, in between naps anyway.

His radiotherapy is scheduled to start at the end of this month. I really can't blame him for not wanting to go any nearer a rehab unit than he absolutely has to.

Brinoz, you do sound at a low ebb. What happened? Wish you better, hugs.

brin -very much too bad. You have to ignore the sibs - they are not the ones on the battlefield Take care of you. What about hub and family at home? Hope you and your mum get over the flu soon, and you form plans to move ahead.

cm - I have thought about it over the years, and figured I likely would need to be a bit involved, though not carry the main burden. No FOG there at all and a chance to work with someone who is a solid person - yes, late sil's friend. Late sil left a note before she OD-ed and among other things she asked one of her from-childhood friends (Linda) to look after her mum. Linda is a brick and has done that well. Her own parents died years ago, so she has been through it already. I think working with her, even a little, would be a good experience. Certainly better than what I am going through with my own family. Sort of like taking a chance on G and I. A friend once asked me why I wanted to go through that again, I said I had two very dysfun spouses and I wanted to experience a more normal one. Of course, I am finding out that a "normal" man does necessarily understand women and their needs and emotions very well, but at least he listens and is willing to work on things, and doesn't have bad habits except working too much. I can't call him a workaholic as he loves going on holidays. I will just have to get him to go more often once we get mother settled in her new place. I hate having this hanging over my head. I have had to run my life around hers far too long. I need cataract surgery and another dental implant and cannot move ahead on those things until she is settled in her new place. I don't even dare book a filling - for sure they will call about the move if I do. Hmmm!

Well done re meeting with your bro and also for ex SO going to see your mother. I am sure the visits cheer her up. Hope sil doesn't try to cram anything inappropriate down your mother's throat or you will feel like doing it to her.

Well, chopping an onion for the latest batch of braised red cabbage and apple has cleared my sinuses. I seem to get these cooking attacks in the evenings Back to stove watch and stir, Moose roast goes into the crockpot tomorrow. Yes, glad - ewwwwww!

Buddha,

Good for you. I think you are crossing that threshold to wise person land.
Hey, how much attention can anyone pay heed to, when we know someone is difficult to deal with.

I was at a neighborhood meeting one day. There was an elderly lady there and was talking to another neighbor she obviously knew. I hear this lady say that she
ignores her husband. Now since I really do not know the woman, I thought......
maybe she's just at that age, where she's learned to ignore someone who is high maintenance. Maybe not. I also thought of the possibility she was talking about a very difficult person. But I got a kick out of the comment, because she had some humor in the tone of the comment. Ah hah! So every now and again when I'm having those issues with my husband, who is very high maintenance.......I remember this lady's comment. I ignore him, don't get into his energy.

Anyway, you've reached that place or sounds as if you have, where you realize there's nothing that's going to change your mom. She is who she is, and you just have to be who you are. It just makes coping a lot easier.

Bravo!
Much Love & Light! Margeaux