notrydoyoda Posted January 2012
The Caregiver & Dysfunctional Families: How are you doing?
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I guess the regret about our family circumstances can be for different reasons.
I know this is why I was so fed up w/the Christmas disaster a couple weeks ago,
because it takes some effort on my part, I'm sure anybodies to get some gifts together for my great nieces and nephews (they now the children) basically the main gifts I gave this year because they're kids. I'm not close to any of their parents, not in the real sense, as in we keep in touch, we call each other, etc.
Then because of turmoil caused and fan the lames so to say between them, I get to hear about it too much from my sister. Yes, I do agree we can become regretful for the way relationships are. Sometimes, we have no control over that either. The best anyone can do, is to acknowledge this fact, then distance oneself.
You hit on something here too Emjo, the fact that you realize things have changed for you in the last 5 yrs. Many times when I've seen the different things my sister still attempts to do, not only w/the care of my mom, but also all the other things, I do get concerned about her health, and whether she's overdoing it.
Let's face it, no one is getting younger, and we have to bear this fact in mind.
Sometimes, I think it would be wiser to not play and replay that negative dialogue in our heads about our dear mothers, fathers, family, friends. whomever it is that you feel is either pushing our buttons, or being draining of our energies. We really need to have some on reserve for ourselves. O.K., Emjo realizing this is a big step! Much Love & Light! Margeaux
As to your question about how you can lose some pounds, if I may ask what is your diet like? I have a friend, who recently had some very high blood pressure reads. I was searching the internet for ways to help her, since she was very reluctant to be on the medications for it. In my searches I read over and over
again, there's plenty of information suggesting people w/HPB,
who are overweight, would lower it by losing some weight.
The usual advice about losing weight, of course is to cut out the fatty foods.
If your diet consists of high fat like meats, cheese then maybe you could limit some of that. HPB diets will usually suggest you eat leaner cuts, or chicken (not fried, and take the skin off), and fish. My husband loves meat. I can eat it, but not as much a fan as he. Last night I made some hamburgers. I cleaned up the kitchen, but not the pan I cooked the meat in. Today, I looked at that pan, and I couldn't believe how much fat had hardened in there. Gross!! I limit some of this also, because my husband has high cholesterol. I prefer to buy something such as ground turkey, but he prefers the beef. I need to look at fat content next time we buy it.
There's plenty of information about this on the internet.
Of course, snacking usually for many people consists of the junk items, such as chips, candy, ice cream-which is very fattening, well, you get the idea, oh and not to leave out the drinks such as Coke, and similar drinks.
I have a theory that many people are overweight because they're somewhat mal-nutritioned. One keeps eating things that the body really does not need, isn't satiated, and you feel hungry. This just ends up adding more pounds.
I really believe that someone with HPB needs to exercise. This in conjunction w/proper diet will help you shed the pounds.
As Sharynmarie stated, take small steps, but take them! Much Love & Light!
Margeaux
I have learned that the more we cater to people, especially when you are in a dynamics with you being a woman, if they are the high maintenance types, you must start to set some limits with them. When all people do is expect from you, and continue to demand more, sure it is not fair. Maybe you have to really start to take into account the boundaries you could set up with all of these men in your life.
I have a sister who is in charge of our mom, and although they have paid caregivers, she lives w/her, so picks up the slack when they aren't there.
She still has a grown daughter who is now 23 living there w/her. This daughter isn't that helpful, nor accomodating. When my sister has complained to me about issues especially about the daughter, I know at the root of it is the fact that mommy still does too much for her, and I don't know why because this girl has shown over and over again her lack of consideration and being very ungrateful.
Demands were made of me all the time during my childhood by my parents because I was the eldest of their children. But when I was a young adult, I finally realized I was going to have to set very strong limits, as to what I was going to involve myself with and do for them, or I would never have my own life. I am aware, that when it comes to our husbands, this can be a stickier area.
Now I'm going to kind of tell on my husband, whom I love, I might add.
But e.g., I like to cook, because I place an importance on our nutrition.
So of course, I admit, I kind of spoiled him in that area. But when we are strapped for time, and he's wanted me to make some fancier dinner, I started to become very frustrated, and somewhat annoyed at this. So now, I take into consideration what else is going on, and make a less time consuming menu. It's still good, just maybe not something as tantalizing for him. This is one way I've put my foot down in this area. I have somewhat had to take on an attitude, of "well, if you don't like it, you can get into the kitchen and cook for us tonight, or take me out!"
Please try to find a way to work around the demanding people in your life,
because if you don't, they'll use you all up. I'm doing that more and more, and it's really also about knowing who these people are, but not allowing them to manipulate us. Much Love & Light! Margeaux
That is a big step, for your wife to have graduated to a cane, no pun intended.
I'm so happy for you and her, Cmagnum. Well, given previous posts about your step dad, I hope you are not taking his calls about having your mom come home there w/he and the helper seriously. But this and I'm sure the calls from your mom thinking she is coming home, still however must be difficult to hear too.
Sharynmarie made a good suggestion. They are in my thoughts! Much Love & Light! Margeaux
envision, I didn't learn boundaries either growing up with a narcissistic mom.
Thus, in the past it was easy for various people to use me up until I got angry and said "I want my life back, but I don't know what that means." Ever since, the end of 2002, I've been learning about placing boundaries with people so they will know what I will and what I will not tolerate in how they treat me.
I'm sorry that you didn't learn boundaries as a child either. I'm not a therapist, but I am sure one would be able to help you know where to start setting boundaries plus have some concrete consequences for when they get broken. From an earlier post, it sounds like you feel like you have to walk on eggshells around your dad, your son and your husband. That is no way to live.
Envision – you have patience. I would have blown up somewhere and …then get everyone all pissed off at me. I like Margeaux’s advice. You don’t need to be a perfectionist (perfect mother, perfect wife, perfect daughter.) As for boundaries, try following this link…it has boundaries and walking on eggshells, etc…
https://www.agingcare.com/questions/self-help-books-153361.htm
Cmag, Sharyn, Margeaux and Yogi - Hi!!! =)
Has she always been the way she is now?
What health problems does she have that keeps her from living by herself?
Does she have any resources to help her pay for assisted living?
Does her son have durable and medical POA for her?
Has she been evaluated for dementia?
Before my mother landed in the nursing home, she liked to fire doctors when she did not like what she heard. It was so bad, that even the staff in the hospital had heard about it.
I agree that it does not sound like your MIL would sign a Durable POA. However, someone is going to need to get it before she is diagnosed incompetent and even then she might not which would force your husband or someone to file for guardianship.
I am very sorry to hear that she is so cold to children and a miser. My MIL is a miser as well, but not that bad. What gets me is she has tons of money but has done nothing for either of her daughters who are both on disability (SIL is an ovarian cancer survivor since 2001 and my wife has bipolar disorder), and she has helped extremely little toward the college education of her two grandchildren which are the only grandchildren she has. To give you an idea of how much money she has, she has the maximum insurable amount of money in 14 or so banks plus the money she has hidden at home. My dad has given a bit more toward their education, but he has even more money and they are his only grandchildren as well, plus I am his only child on disability as well with bipolar disorder also.
If your daughter is as you've said drinking on the weekends, and taking advantage of her other grandmother, it sounds as if on an emotionally health scale, she isn't healthy.
In our family, my brother had a daughter very young-18 yrs. old. In a nutshell he & a neighbor (first girlfriend) became in pregnancy mode. They were married for a very short while, (our mom did the guilt on him), of course it didn't last.
The daughter from this union, then was coming between my mom's home, and her own mom's home, the custody arrangement. My brother, unfortunately didn't really participate at all w/the care/discipline of this girl, of course since our mother a controller took over, (was her first grandkid). All mom did was spoil her rotten. This girl started to get in trouble also, w/the drugs, etc. She went to jail, before she was 18. Then apparently she ended up there a few more times, even as recently as 4 yrs., ago. She's caused a lot of trouble in our family for sure. Now she's almost 40 yrs. old. But she's done so much damage in previous years, especially towards my sister and myself, so much so that we don't want anything to do w/her. It also has to do w/the fact, that she's made attempts to get at our mother, (who was too generous w/money) w/her. Mom has ALZ now.
This girl has never, ever come to us w/any apologies. She has this primadona and entitlement attitude. Anyway, last year she tried to come while mom's sister was just about to die, and get in good w/her at the last minute, surely to secure some kind of inheritance from this relative, who she never came to see as she aged, or became sick. On that visit, my sister basically told her she wasn't welcome to come there to mother's home anymore.
I'm aware as an aunt w/this kind of history how difficult this is towards family members. So I can't even imagine how this must be for you being their mother.
But, I really believe, if these daughters, sons, nieces do not come with a remorseful attitude, and one can see some demonstrated efforts on their parts to straighten out their own lives, there's little if any chance of someone like yourself to have a genuine and healthy relationship w/your daughter.
I have witnessed some of this going on in my own extended family also of grown children, who are acting out, never wanting to take responsibility for this, and they bring up old history, past hurts to their parents, etc. I know these young adults do this to inflict guilt, and really not accept their own responsibility about the poor choices they've made for themselves also. You might want to set very firm boundaries with your daughter. My very best to you. Much Love & Light!
Margeaux
If your daughter is as you've said drinking on the weekends, and taking advantage of her other grandmother, it sounds as if on an emotionally health scale, she isn't healthy.
In our family, my brother had a daughter very young-18 yrs. old. In a nutshell he & a neighbor (first girlfriend) became in pregnancy mode. They were married for a very short while, (our mom did the guilt on him), of course it didn't last.
The daughter from this union, then was coming between my mom's home, and her own mom's home, the custody arrangement. My brother, unfortunately didn't really participate at all w/the care/discipline of this girl, of course since our mother a controller took over, (was her first grandkid). All mom did was spoil her rotten. This girl started to get in trouble also, w/the drugs, etc. She went to jail, before she was 18. Then apparently she ended up there a few more times, even as recently as 4 yrs., ago. She's caused a lot of trouble in our family for sure. Now she's almost 40 yrs. old. But she's done so much damage in previous years, especially towards my sister and myself, so much so that we don't want anything to do w/her. It also has to do w/the fact, that she's made attempts to get at our mother, (who was too generous w/money) w/her. Mom has ALZ now.
This girl has never, ever come to us w/any apologies. She has this primadona and entitlement attitude. Anyway, last year she tried to come while mom's sister was just about to die, and get in good w/her at the last minute, surely to secure some kind of inheritance from this relative, who she never came to see as she aged, or became sick. On that visit, my sister basically told her she wasn't welcome to come there to mother's home anymore.
I'm aware as an aunt w/this kind of history how difficult this is towards family members. So I can't even imagine how this must be for you being their mother.
But, I really believe, if these daughters, sons, nieces do not come with a remorseful attitude, and one can see some demonstrated efforts on their parts to straighten out their own lives, there's little if any chance of someone like yourself to have a genuine and healthy relationship w/your daughter.
I have witnessed some of this going on in my own extended family also of grown children, who are acting out, never wanting to take responsibility for this, and they bring up old history, past hurts to their parents, etc. I know these young adults do this to inflict guilt, and really not accept their own responsibility about the poor choices they've made for themselves also. You might want to set very firm boundaries with your daughter. My very best to you. Much Love & Light!
Margeaux
That meant the world to me. I told my cousin that I always wondered how much was my mother and how much was me. My cousin said, "No, it's not you."
The last few weeks have been very bad. It seems like nothing I've done is right. If I help her do something, then I'm trying to control things. If I don't help, she screams at me how I just don't care. I haven't even been able to sit and watch a TV show or have lunch without her starting something. Sometimes it is out of the clear blue, like she isn't surprised that my husband broke it off with me because of the way that I talked to him. She had heard the way that I talked to him, so she didn't blame him. I had no idea of what she was even talking about. Was there something? Was I really that faulty?
My cousin told me of the times my mother had snatched us up by the hair when we were little. I don't remember this. I do remember many other things. She has always lived a life of rage full of blame aimed at others. I guess you could say now I am the sole keeper of the blame, since I am the only one around.
I don't believe that all of this is happening without reason. It made me cry that my aunt reached back from her death to leave this gift message for me. It is like it washed a lot of the recent pain from my life. Maybe I should make a little plaque for myself that says, "It's not you" to remind me anytime I feel bad about the things going on. I don't plan on leaving, because I think there are things that still need to be done. I just have to figure out what those things are.
Pardon the book. It has been a hard week with doctors and out-of-town funerals. I just had to tell someone who would know how good the message from my aunt felt.
This was a very special gift your aunt left you. How touching, and you see the truth is what is there.
We who have this kind of dysfunction can become very accustomed to the dysfunction and probably start to doubt ourselves. I know I have done this, while dealing with difficult relatives. Then I'm aware, that many times other family members are reluctant to realize or acknowledge Aunt Tilly's or Uncle Billy's manipulations, or bad tempers.
Something similar happened to us in our family almost exactly a year ago, when mom's narcissistic sister died. She made Bette Davis in "Baby Jane," look like an amatuer. But at her funeral, not my sister (who was involved more in her care), and got lot's of abuse of course, nor I got up at her wake to say anything about her. I would have been afraid of what might come out of my mouth.I was dreading that evening, because it was as if I was holding my breath, wondering what our brothers would say. They, who weren't at the other end of her abuse as much as my sister and me. But, that evening each of my brothers,
said something about her life, they also emphasized and acknowledged how outspoken, and difficult she was. I was surprised when they each gave a short but strong eulogy about our aunt. See, so the truth bears out!
I'm really happy that your aunt told your cousin to relay this message, how sweet of her. You should have this plaque made, it's a great quote. Much Love & there's Light! Margeaux
Where are you two? I notice you haven't posted in a few days here, I miss both of you. Well, hope things are all right. Much Love, Margeaux
((((((((Jessie)))))) what an enormous gift. Absolutely, it is not you. I have a story in the same vein, I will share later - need to get to bed.
Hi to everyone - I have been reading and have some thoughts to share and will get them down here soon.
.♥, hugs and prayers to all - Joan
and she was not able to hurt me when she spoke with venon in her words I was able to tell myself she is not hurting me and let her words just pass away-she continued to say whatever she wanted to but the words just flew away instead of being absorbed. When she knew she was dieing she was so focesed on giving her tools away to my brothers but did not say anything about us her children or the grandchildren or what kind of a person she had become.
Austin, what you wrote is so true. I decided last night that the baiting and belittling were just silly words to be ignored. I do realize that with her personality and the dementia, there is really no way to help my mother beyond her physical needs. But maybe it is time to pull in the rest of the family. My brother and his family went to the funeral with us. My SIL did all the driving and everyone helped with my mother. It was a stressful but wonderful trip. And I found a family of cousins who were mostly very loving people. They had been Facebook friends for a while, so we weren't total strangers. Family does need each other. They provide something that no one else can. When you grow up without the connection, you don't even realize it until one day you see what it is. It is like belonging to a club where you're a totally accepted member. And it is even okay if you put on a little weight or didn't wear your makeup. You're still okay. I like that feeling.