The Caregiver & Dysfunctional Families: How are you doing?

Margeaux~Thank you for asking about me. I hope you are surviving the colder than normal temps we are having here in California. We really are a bunch of wimps when it comes to colder weather, Lol! How are you doing over all?

I have been busy with mom running back and forth making sure she is using the heater, eating, etc. On Sunday when I went over, she did not look good. Then she told me she just got a phone call from someone telling her she has to leave her house and cannot live there anymore. I realized she had been crying. I reassured her that she owns her house, it is secured in the living trust and no one can remove her from her home. I have been off the last 3 days and on Monday I went over in the morning because I was worried about her from the day before. It has been very cold here at night (25-28), she was still in bed because it was so cold. She had the heater on but the thermostat registered 59 degrees at 9:30am. I made her some oatmeal for breakfast and she perked up. Even though she has been so abusive and destructive in our family, it still just breaks my heart to pieces when she is experiencing pain due to the Alzheimer's...not understanding phone calls and then panicking. Yesterday she was back to normal (what normal is for her now) and she was able to get moving in the morning getting herself breakfast. Take care everyone!!

Joan~Take care of yourself and post when you are feeling better...so much going for you to process right now. Hugs!

Envision, Cmag, MyWitsEnd, Crossbearer, and CapNHardass I hope all is going well with you as you continue to care for your loved ones!! Hugs!

Hollis and Joymoon I didn't mean to forget you, I hope you are both well and come back to share, vent, just let loose!! Hugs to you both!!

BTW this coming Monday will be three weeks since my mom has been on an antidepressant and 3 weeks since her dr. said he would report to APS that she can't live alone and needs an evaluation and home safety check. APS still has not come out. Told my sister last week I did not think they were going to come out since the dr.'s report to them is standard procedure. Sis is sick this week with a nasty cold, when she is better I am going to make appt. with a geriatric physician.

Austin195,

What an inspiration you are! That's it! This is exactly the best way to approach these difficult people in our lives. It really takes some kind of discipline too. Heck, I had to do this the other day, when my husband and me went to visit this woman friend of his. She's a great lady. But here comes the but, she's very opinionated, and honestly sometimes talks way too much. The other day she made a comment about being afraid in another part of town and rolling up her windows when she's in that area, of course insinuating that people from my culture are bad and could harm her. Let's say, she's rather clumsy at times when she makes remarks like this. I felt myself becoming offended, as she said this. Then I just told myself, "o.k., you're not going to go there." I know she's generalizing and I wasn't going to react not even privately at an emotional level. If I do, then I give my power away. So I decided to become the observer, and honestly, she's really the one w/homework to do about other cultures, her problem. Normally, once we came home I would have mentioned something about this to my husband, then these feelings can stay with us. It felt good for someone else's dumb comment not to control me. Gee, this felt so good. Anyway, loved you post! Much Love & Light! Margeaux

JessieBell, Love your comment "The gift of words." I think that is what I miss the most about my Mom... She always healed me and loved me with her "gifts of words." What an amazing way to think about words. I am so happy for you to have received some understanding and healing.

It's funny how a few words can fill a big hole in our heart -- something that Rolls Royces and the crown jewels can't do. I thanked my aunt on her online memorial a few minutes ago. If she got the message somehow, she probably knew what I meant. :)

Emjo,

Peace to you. It must be a difficult time for you having lost your friend, then also hearing news your other friend had surgery. Yes, this is when one reflects, about things. Your in my thoughts Emjo, and glad to hear from you. Much Love & Light!!
Margeaux

Sharynmarie,

Yes, it has been cold in California. Last night I found myself putting on this light jacket inside the house. We turn our heater on, but we're in a small apartment. Too much dries out my sinuses, so I have to monitor my husband about this (he gets colder than I do)
It's important to have the heater on with elders, especially up where you live, as I know it's probably very cold there. It does play on our emotions too, whatever our elders may be suffering. I know I've felt this way, when I've been over at mom's, and my sister is having an issue w/her. Many times my sister w/become impatient and annoyed w/mom. I know it's based on past history since my sister starts to mention things to me, about how hard she once was on us.
I would never put myself in my sister's shoes either, she lives w/her. But my sister also takes just about anything and everything very personally.
Well you're doing the best, and a very good job at separating your feelings from what needs to be done, etc.
I hope the medications start to work for her. You and yours are in my thoughts, Sharynmarie! Much Love & Light! Margeaux

Well I managed to keep a safe distance from my sister's complaints about her dysfunction regarding her daughters and my SIL's daughters. But a couple days ago she did call me, and started to recant the whole thing, and the fact about our brothers attitude towards it, which is he doesn't seem to realize that his daughters, nor his wife did a bad thing by dissing my sister's first grandson on Christmas. My brother has never been emotionally involved in anything, he's' a quiet kind of guy. This is his personality. He's the father of that other niece I just wrote about who was in and out of jail, and he never participated in the discipline about her. My sister seems stubborn about the fact that he doesn't acknowledge nor does he think my SIL, (who's a narcissist) does anything wrong. I told her, that he's probably never going to acknowledge this, because he isn't a participant at all in that manner, either. So when my sister shared with me that my brother had called after Christmas to ask her, what was going on Christmas Day, as he felt quite uncomfortable, he told her that her younger daughter didn't greet he, SIL, and their daughters. The dissing of my great nephew occurred after that. So this time around, I got brave and had to point out to my sister, that possibly by her own daughters bad behavior, the other cousins and SIL did their bad deed. I feel as if I've bitten my tongue long enough about my sister's daughter's poor attitude.
My sister seems to think that daughter's behavior doesn't affect relationships in the bigger picture, and it does. Even when I told my sister this, she somewhat defended, or made a very poor excuse saying, that her daughter is grown up now, and she can't control what her daughter does. Oh boy, just to give you all an idea about how my controller sister thinks. She thinks she can control, instead of having taught her something. I'm glad I finally spoke up to my sister, about the truth of that matter. Behavior does have consequences, and it's playing out!
Detaching again, Margeaux

Margeaux~You are very right about behavior and consequences. When people are less than welcoming when you come in their home, why would you want to go back? My eldest brother's wife was very rude when my parents would stop by and visit when they lived here. She would actually get up and go do bed (early evening visit). After they moved to Montana, sil made their visits so uncomfortable. I have to side with my mother on this one, sil would get mad because my mom would buy the kids treats when they took them to town. My parents only got to see the grandkids once a year. After the second visit to Montana they never went back which is what sil wanted. Of course there were other issues due to mom's PD that played into this as well. Good for you telling your sister the truth even though it fell on deaf ears. Detaching, detaching and more detaching.

I have the same problem with running the heater, sinuses getting too dry, stuffy,etc. Daytime temps are getting back up in the 50's but nighttime temps still below 32 which is cold for us. It's usually in the 40's at night. We aren't having the fog either which makes it colder. Gotta run, getting ready for work. Have a great day and hugs to you!!

Sharynmarie,
Yes, I would side with your mom on that one. My SIL in this instance, sounds like your SIL. Unfortunately she's pulled some stunts over the 20 some years married to my brother, to isolate him, and keep him from the family.I hate to say this, but she wears the pants if you know what I mean. She and my brother moved about 60 miles from us many years ago. So just on the geographic scale they live far.
She did succeed in somewhat isolating my brother from us to a certain degree.
But over the last several years, since he was the one who ended up w/POA of mom and her sister, next in line from my sister. But last year, my aunt so she thought tried appointing my brother as the first,POA, since she and my sister had a big falling out. Another interesting fact about that arrangement, is that my aunt apparently had a crooked attorney, and in the end they came to discover, the lawyer had never filed the new appt. of POA of my brother w/the county clerk. So the previous one was still in place w/my sister in charge. So on account of this, my brother over the last few years has been more in touch with my sister, and actually the family. The good thing about this brother is that he is cooperative. He just either is in denial about how his wife and daughters behave.
This I'm sure my brother learned from our dad. Mom was the one somewhat running the show, while we were growing up. She used to get in such bad moods, and take off w/that sister of hers on weekends shopping. My dad never stood up to our mom like some other husband might about allowing any relative to always be so intrusive into our lives. But I guess this is how my dad employed some avoidance of mother. That was dad's dysfunction. Isn't it weird how the sons can copy this behavior too, the not knowing how to deal with their wives and kids. But with we his children dad was a disciplinarian way more than my two brothers have been with their kids.

I was getting signs of a sinus headache today. I guess the jump in the temperatures has something to do with this. O.K., have a lovely evening,
Hugs right back! Much Love & Light! Margeaux

Margeaux, your SIL sounds very much like my MIL whom my FIL was never able to stand up to including when he saw his wife abusing their daughters. I've had my own battles having to stand up to MIL, stand up to my mother, and yes sometimes even stand up to my wife for she caught some of her mom's stuff growing up in that dysfunctional environment. We both have had better boundaries in our lives for the last 12 years than before.

Margeaux~My sil did the same thing. She insulted my brothers friends so they quit coming to his house. She worked at the same bank my mother worked at and many of the employees did not like her, even the young woman in her age group. The woman (Nancy) who is my mother's former co-worker asked me recently about her because she said that she and her husband were good friends with my brother till she came in the picture. She continued to work at the bank after they got married but when she went out on maternity leave, they told her she could not come back because they don't allow family members to work together. Ironically her brother also worked at that branch as the operations officer. My brother married her when I was 14, he was 22. At the wedding reception her father was crawling around on the floor trying to look up women's dresses!! She obviously had her own dysfunctional family, Lol!! Have a good night and Hugs!!

Cmagnum,
My SIL is very toxic! I remember in the early years of she and my brothers relationship. Whenever they would be at any gathering at my parents home, lets say if I was reminding my brother about a quality of his and it was nothing negative, because I'm not about bringing anything of the sort up, SIL would always interject her opinion about whatever I'd say. Her comment usually had a sting to it, or she would remind me that our brother still did, or liked such and such. I began to notice she was trying to drive home the point that she knew him better than we the family members. It was starting to look like competition to me. To this day, if you call my brother, my sister tells me that she many times answers his phone. So you see the behavior that she's taken over. Then to make matters worse, my brother isn't they kind of guy who notices any of this, nor puts a stop to it. He's quite passive in this area, just as my dad was with our mother.
Many years ago, my sister took her daughters camping w/my brother, SIL and their eldest daughter. My parents went also. My SiL has been known to talk rather roughly to her eldest daughter. At some point during the camping trip, she tried doing that to my sister's youngest daughter, and they had a falling out. My sister and her daughters came home the very same day. On account of this, my sister and SIL didn't speak for about 11 yrs. My brother would come over at Christmas, but both he and my sister made sure to it they weren't there at the same time.
Honestly, IMO, my sister also isn't easy. I think she could handle things very differently. So this is why I do not understand, present day why my sister and brother seem to extend invitations to one another.
Anyway, my SIL has also favored her younger daughter over the older one.
Her younger daughter, like my sister's is extremely spoiled. I sense SIL, did everything in her power to make sure my brother and his eldest daughter were not too close. Then layer over that, the eldest one is very beautiful. I realize what has happened over there! Believe me, when you are the daughter of a mother that did this, as our mom did with my sister and me with respect to dad, it's obvious.

What's that saying about when one marries, you marry there family?
Isn't that true. Thanks for helping me figure it out. Hope you and your wife are well.
Much Love, Margeaux

Sharynmarie,

My SIL had her daughters in a dance group which performed a various events for over 10 years.. My nieces are now in their college years, so decided to give this activity up. But my sister told me that before that happened, our SIL managed to get into a fight with the parents in that group. She also off and on, hasn't been on speaking terms with her own mother and sisters. Right now, she's not speaking to any of them.
So when my own sister tells me of the squabbles they have between them, of course she just loves to say, "SIL, is only coming around our family since she's not speaking to her own family. The other day I had to put a stop to that comment also by my sister. She's also been know to do this not speaking to people when she's been in fights w/people. She gave me somewhat of the silent treatment over the years, before our mom and the narcissist needed our concern and help.
Then my sister needed moral support from me, (of which I give w/o hesitation) So isn't this interesting how in families I've come to the conclusion as in this case whilst a toxic individual needs something from the rest of us, they'll forego previous cruelties committed upon us, out of their own needs. But in the bigger picture of things they haven't realized the damage they do, especially to their own children, in the process. This isn't what I define as genuine love w/in families
I know you have written about your SIL, and she sounds like a doozy too.
O.K., I hope things are balancing on your end, I know it's been a very busy time for you. Much Love & Light! Margeaux

Sharynmarie,

Sorry for some of my poor grammar, I'm still not quite awake.
Margeaux

In my humble opinion all families are dysfunctional one way or another because we are never taught when we are children to love ourselves and what loving oneself entitles: taking good care of ourselves mentally, emotionally, physically, and spiritually. And we cannot blame the people who raised us because they did not know any better either. This is a problem that has evolved from the beginning because our main priority is survival. As long as our survival is not warranted everyone has to do whatever possible to assure that survival. Only after growing up and becoming conscious of our own selves we begin to take conscious awareness that eventually take us to grow and mature. Most human beings are immature and have many emotional issues that developed in infancy and were never properly addressed. This is the challenge we all face. We cannot change circumstances or people, but we can change how we look at things and how we respond to those circumstances and people. It takes a lot of work and effort but I am convinced is worth the effort.

Margeaux, Wow, what an insight, "they'll forego previous cruelties committed upon us" it seems all they need is a common enemy of one kind or another.

Envision,

Regarding, "They'll forego previous cruelties committed upon us," yes, I'm beginning to zero in on how the manipulation manifests in terms of behavior. In my sister's case, she has done the silent treatment to me over the years because she is jealous of me. It took me, a very long time to admit this to myself while I was growing up, because I'm just not as competitive as she is, nor do I have the need to control.. She does, and to an extreme. Prior to my aunt's death (a narcissist), my sister was in charge of her care until her death, exactly one year ago. So my sister needed a sounding board, (that's me) HAAH! So at some point, my sister dropped some of her distanced attitude with me. Why? Because she needed something, the moral support. In my particular case, this is the manipulative aspect.
It's taken a long time to realize how the manipulation can manifest. I'm growing tired of feeling like, "what they heck was that," w/some of the toxic people in my life. I think that it's very important for we who wish not to be a party to the dysfunction. really take a look at our own situations, and start to notice the patterns. One can learn so much by doing this.

How are things with you, Envision? How are those men behaving?
I sure hope they are being nice to you! Much Love, Margeaux

Margeaux, It is so helpful to read your posts, because you are able to put into words the manipulation that I feel, but can't express in words. Both of my sons are growing, emotionaly, by leaps and bounds. My oldest son, 31 yrs, after a most horrible experience is starting to see how his fiance, with who he has a 2 year old son, is manipultive and trys to keep him away from his family. But really is just sad, because what is he to do? He has been very kind to me and tells me he loves me, when she is not around. My youngest is finally getting his life together, I am very proud of him. I have been crying for almost a week, because I miss my Mom so very much. I think it is because it is almost her birthday. Even when I worked full-time, I would always take a vacation day for her birthday, and take her to lunch or dinner and everyone that was around would get together for cake & ice cream. My Mom always made our birthdays like holidays. I am going to check out some support groups, soon I hope. But, I have anxiety attacks about going places sometime. Thank you, and everybody on this page for sharing. It helps me so much. :)

Hi Margeaux~Funny how every family has these issues with a sil or bil. It's a shame that they have to interfere with their spouses family creating problems because they want everything their way or by poisoning the minds of their children against other family members. Well take care and I hope you are doing well. Hugs to you!

It is just sad that at some point the elderly parent becomes the pawn that the evil sibling uses to beat us up again, just as we were beaten up as a child.

Envision,

Oh, that is hard. It's hard enough when we must be exposed to people like this, who are at the bottom of it all extremely insecure. Then they think in their demented way that by giving their boyfriend , a prospective MIL or anyone all the messages they don't like, approve of you etc. It's especially hard once they've a child in the middle of it too, just complicates relationships, doesn't it? If this behavior is surfacing, and they're not even married, whoah! Well, I guess it's up to him what he must do on that end.
From witnessing my brother's reaction to our difficult SIL, they were married by the time the first daughter was born. Even when she had their second one, she really didn't share those girls with our family much. As I said before, they do live a distance from us, so that of course worked in her favor. But my brother and his wife never invited me to their house until I went just about a year ago with my sister. This is after a little over 20 yrs. of marriage. So in some kind of way, my brother has been instrumental in not encouraging we his family to come to their place either. So the guys in this picture, can either put their foot down, and they better do it sooner rather than later. But unfortunately as in my brother's case, he by his behavior didn't think it that important, just went along with her plan, even if in a silent and complicit way. I really feel the guys end up suffering in this, because wouldn't you think it drives home the point to their girlfriends/wives, that it's o.k. and gives their power over in the relationship to the women. He sounds like a good young man. I'm glad that your youngest is getting it together too.
Oh!! Yes, the birthdays of our departed loved ones can be hard.
Did you mom pass away recently. Each time it's my dad's birthday, I go through a rough patch. It's understandable. Well maybe you can create your own special tribute to your mother, like make her favorite foods, something like that.
O.K., Envision hang in there, you're in my thoughts! Much Love, Margeaux

Margeaux~I have to tell you a story about a friend of mine. When she married, her husband wanted all the power and control. He controlled the finances, including her paycheck. He never over spent, he managed the money tightly on her end, but if the tv went out, he was out the door the same night to buy a new one. If she wanted something for herself and he had no interest in it, he wouldn't let her get it or he would tell her if she wanted it, she had to save up the money for it which she couldn't do because he controlled the money. If she wanted to incorporate a special holiday tradition from her childhood, she was told by her husband and his mother...that isn't our tradition. After 10 years of marriage, she put her foot down. She refused to give her paycheck to her husband and took control of her pay. She gave some of her family traditions during the holidays to their children by including them during the holidays. For them it worked out, it did take her husband many years to finally learn to compromise but he did learn. Of course his parents were not happy about it and treated her as an outsider from that point on but she was a much more confident, happier person and once her husband accepted it, their marriage started to grow as two adults sharing their life together instead of her being a little girl asking daddy for money to buy a new pair of work pants. I must admit that I don't think most marriages would have survived a wife putting her down like she did but it worked for them. They have been married 40 years now and to this day they both have separate checking and savings accounts. She pays certain bills and he pays certain bills. It allows both of them to save money for things they want personally, for family members, each other, and the house. They are the only couple I know of that does it this way. Hugs to you!!

Hi to everyone!

It's very busy for me these days with my mother. The antidepressant seems to be calming her to a degree (I don't want her over medicated either) but I am happy with results. She has an appt. Wednesday morning to see her PCP so we can get a refill on the antidepressant. A week ago yesterday (Sunday), when I went over to give her the medicine she did not look well. As I talked with her, I realized she had been crying because she said she got a phone call from someone telling her she had to leave her house and could not live there anymore. I would like to have her calls forwarded to my phone for a week or two so I can find out if she is hallucinating or if she is just confused with the information from a business call, but everyone seems to think it would be wrong of me to do this so I haven't as yet.

My sister has been sick with bronchitis and sinus infection so no help from her last week or this week. I did finally make contact with her thru an email at sis's job since she won't answer her phone. I have been frustrated cuz she won't answer her phone and I didn't want to leave a message since I would be going to work and miss her call (she has caller ID but still wouldn't call back). The email message sent to her simply stated that we need to either hire home health care or get her evaluated by another dr. She responded back saying that mom's LTC policy requires that she be evaluated by a neurologist then they will sent someone out to mom's house to evaluate her activities of daily living (ADL) to determine if she qualifies for home health care under the policy. My hope is that we can do that next week, would rather do it this week but mom's PCP has to send a referral to the neurologist and her history before we can set up the appt. Helen called me saying mom had walked over to her house, she said mom was very disoriented, didn't know her SS# and other info that Helen quizzed her about. She went over to Helen's cuz she received a copy of beneficiary designations on her accounts with Charles Schwab. Mom didn't and doesn't understand what it means so she took it to Helen for her to explain it. These designations were assigned the same way as she did her Will with her elder law attorney. Now the papers are missing because my mom has hidden them somewhere in the house. I have no problem going to mom's daily giving her the medication, cooking for her on my days off and making extra to freeze for her, but on the days I do work, I can't control what she eats. I really think she makes corn flakes for dinner because she doesn't want to be bothered heating something up in the microwave and this is why she needs to either have home health care or be placed in a SNF. My boss brought the subject of my mom again and I told her I am not the only one caring for her. I said there is my brother, my sister and two nephews who are helping with her care, plus me cooking for her and freezing home cooked food for her. Not the complete truth, but hopefully we can see to it that she is not alone at any time sooner than later. Sorry for such a long post but I don't know when I can post again until things settle down. I am thinking of all of you and hope you are all doing well. Hugs to everyone!!

Shary why did your boss bring up the subject of your mom-did another employee say something you may have memtioned to her or him during a break or is the boss insinuating you are using work time to deal with problems that might arise conserning your mom during work time and you said again so this must have happened other times is there a go to person for problems with your mom during your working hours jobs are hard to get theses days and you do not want problems with your job.

Sharynmarie,

That was a good story about your friend. That is quite a bit of control on his part, especially concerning the money she earns. A situation as such, having a positive outcome, is rare. Yes, maybe in some instances, many husbands/partners wouldn't have put up withe the wife putting her foot down. But maybe many wives wouldn't put up w/this kind of control by a husband either, especially for that long. I'm happy for your friend, that she had the courage to stand up for herself. I cannot imagine what she must have felt like as a person those first 10 years. Oh, and his parents, aren't they a lovely lot! Surely, the husband picked up some bad habits from someone.
Thanks, I love to hear people's stories. Much Love, Margeaux

I have a narcisstic mother and I have not seen her or talked to her for 2 weeks. I just can't take the abuse-emotional- any more. I am a 3 year cancer survivor-lung cancer- and went for a scan today. I find out the results on the 28th. That is about all the stress I can handle at this time. I really don't think I will ever go see my mother or talk to her again. It is making my depression and anxiety worse and is also taking a toll physically. I have lost 25 pounds in 3 weeks. Not what the cancer Dr. will be happy about.

Austin~My boss questioned me a week or so ago because she being a Christian, wanted to let me know that no job was really worth sacrificing the care of a loved one. She said that if I needed to take some time off either using my sick leave or some other type of leave to do it because family comes first. I can't afford to lose my job and so far, I have not had to call of work or leave work for her care. We have been able to keep things covered between me, my sister and my brother. I don't want her to use this as a way of making things difficult for me at work so what I told her was not the complete truth. My boss wanted me to think about not having regrets later if I was not there for my mother. She doesn't know my family dynamics with all the abuse regarding my mother and I have been there and still am there, but giving up my job to care for her full time would end up destroying my mental health and possibly my marriage. Hugs to you!!

Sharynmarie,

If you think your mom can no longer make sense of her phone calls,
I notice you've said, "everyone, seems to think it not a good ideat, about forwarding calls" Who is everyone? I see nothing wrong in doing this, since this way you'd be able to see what's truth vs. possible misinterpretations by your mom.
Besides you could even do this on a temporary basis if need be.
Do you sense that your mom is actually aware of her decline? I ask this because when our mom was first diagnosed w/Alz, it was rather hard to decipher some of what was happening, especially while none of us were living there daily with her so that we had the upper hand in monitoring what was actually true.
She at first seemed somewhat obsessed about playing with crossword puzzles.
Poor thing, I think this was some attempt on her part to try to keep the Alz, at bay.
But since some of this monitoring of her incoming calls also has to do with she being more at ease, (especially she believing they will get her out of her own home). Anyway, it could save you a lot of time and energy also about wondering and worrying. You have enough to do already.
O.K., and I completely agree with Austin's advice about your manager.
Just be aware. Much Love & Light, thinking about you! Margeaux