The Caregiver & Dysfunctional Families: How are you doing?

Margeaux~ I am being very careful at work in regards to not saying anything about my mother. My mother doesn't call me at work and like I said, I have so far only called off on day which was back in October when she cancelled her phone service. My boss was on vacation at the time so to my knowledge she doesn't know about it. My bosses concern is that family to taken care of first, and hopefully nothing extreme will come up in the next couple weeks while we wait to get my mom in to the neurologist. My sis said that the neurologists office called her today to make an appt. so mom's PCP already sent the referral and history to him. I am happy about that because I am a little on pins and needles with my mom being by herself too much. As of this Friday, my boss will be on vacation for 2 weeks. As far as forwarding my mother's calls, my sister was against and so were a couple others (no one on this site) who felt I was violating her rights. I see nothing wrong with it if it is in my mother's best interest to determine if she is actually hallucinating or confused. I believe that when we are taking care of a person, looking out for their best interest, we somethings have to cross those boundaries to better help them, keep them safe and reduce their fears. Yes I do have enough to deal with and worry about right now and when my sister won't answer her phone, it makes me very angry. She is named first on the DPOA and she wants to call the shots as far as making things convenient for herself (she has always been like this), but she doesn't make herself readily available to talk with me when she isn't feeling well, etc. and we need to be available to each other in regards to the situation with our mother. What is sad is that yesterday my sister told me, she would never be able to forgive our mother for the abuse from our childhood. IMO, she is not always putting our mother's best interest at heart because of her anger and pain. Thanks for letting me vent, Lol!! I hope all is well with you. Hugs to you Margeaux!!

Joan~How are you doing? I hope you are well, not having a lot of pain with the fibromyalgia. I know you are grieving the loss of your dear friend. I am thinking about you. Hugs
Cmag, Envision, Joymoon, and Alabama,Book, and everyone...I am thinking of you all as well. Hugs

Sharynmarie,

My sister has also been assigned the DPOA, then she is the one who moved in w/mom. At times when I've been wondering about whether mom should be given certain medications for ALZ, if ever I've tried bringing this up to my sister, by her response, it is made known to me, it's been taken care of.
But I wonder about that, since my sister really can't even tell me what stage of the ALZ mom is in. I honestly don't think she has ever researched it, even when I've suggested various websites to her.
During I think it was Thanksgiving, when I asked mom how she was feeling, because she was complaining about pain in her back. She has had pain for the last several years from a fall she had. So I asked/suggested maybe I could bring some aromatherapy oil, I've used, and give her a delicate massage. My sister's reply was, "oh, the caregivers already do that for her." So you see, she w/put up any and all road blocks whenever I've expressed concern about mom's ailments or medications.. I know why she responds to me in that manner also, because she wants total control of the situation.
Well, at some point since you seem to be the one who is ready, willing and able to be there when your mom needs you, your sister may want to give this some serious thought. But I totally get it, she sounds very much like my sister in that they cannot seem to relinquish some of the control.
I think people who control will always place their needs over anyone else's.
When my aunt died a year ago, mom hardly had been out of the house much, because my aunt went into Hospice there at mom's. So mom's mobility took a serious dive. Just a few weeks later, when I'd call my sister on weekends to check in on mom, she'd tell me of these 3 hour, or all day shopping trips she and my mom were on. Then, I expressed concern as to whether mom was up for this, I mean she is 91 yrs. old too. Even then, my sister was saying, that things were going to change now, w/mom since her narcissistic sister was out of the picture.
Well, it took probably no more than a couple mos., for my sister to start complaining that when she'd take mom out like this, that mom moves slowly, that she really couldn't get her errands done like SHE wanted to, etc. Now my sister has become way more discerning as to what and where she can take mother.
But bottom line, I think sometimes my sister does this in an attempt to recapture something we didn't have w/our mother while mom's sister was alive, because they were always together.
Well the good thing about you realizing all of this, is that you are aware.
This I think is priceless, in that we can hopefully move forward and keep our elder's best interest at heart. That is what you are doing! Much Love, and Hugs! Margeaux

I got to be the caregiver because I live with her. My sister lives 75 miles away. If only she would visit once a month would be a god send. Maybe a doctor's appt (I am dreaming). I am planning my first vacation in 13 years (going away for 3 days). Do you think she will take over....not

Sharyn – regarding your mother and forwarding the phone. Technically for you to forward the call to you is wrong. Until mom is declared incompetent, then the phone call should still go to her. Don’t start blurring the lines between her Rights and what you think is best for her. It’s a very easy line to cross. Once you cross it, you will start applying it to Other stuff. Best to avoid crossing that line. I know that you worry about her but…until she’s still legally competent, you need to respect her rights. BUT, our old phone would have all these numbers of who called and the dates. I can’t figure it out with the new phone we have. But, when father would tell me – like days later – that someone called, I would press the button and keep scrolling backwards until I found unknown numbers. Then I would call each one to determine the caller. Does your mom’s phone have this capability?

Best to keep your answers of family life to your boss as simple as possible. The more elaborate or detailed you get, the likelihood you get caught and you end up looking bad. Maybe? The next time the boss brings it up, just tell her that mom’s situation is ever changing. When the time comes when you definitely need several weeks off to get her stuff in order, then you will apply for family leave (or whatever it’s called.) Remember, keep it simple but Vague! Once you start giving details, you are easily tripped. And you’re not telling a lie. Mom’s situation IS continually changing, and eventually You WILL be needing those leaves. You’re just waiting until you need it. Keep it simple.

And I definitely do NOT recommend you giving up your job for mom. You know from this site that there are alternatives. Your job is your sanity. Plus, like Austin said, with the economy as it is – it would be very difficult to find a steady job again.

Hi Margeaux and Cmag, Emjo and Envision, and everyone I have not mentioned!

Book~I thought I wasn't going to have time to post for a few days, but I am needing the site like a life line right now until we things settled. Waiting for sis to make the appt. with neurologist and I told her to please make it asap because I am on pins and needles everyday with my mom. She called yesterday in a panic, said she was scared to death to be alone for the night cuz a letter she got advertising insurance.The last 2 days she calls me right before I have to go to work with some crisis. I am off today but will be leaving shortly to go over her house. My job is my sanity and comic relief. Yesterday when I went in to work, a fabric softener sheet fell out of my pant leg...then my co-worker told us her husband always wears cargo shorts with the velcro fasteners on the pockets. He was walking to his truck one day and felt something different with one pocket, he looked down and it was his daughter's thong stuck to the velcro. OMG...we laughed so hard!! At least he caught it before he walked in a store with it hanging on his pants! I just have to get through the 2-3 weeks, hopefully we won't have to wait 2-3 weeks just to get her into the neurologist. I don't know how long it will take for her LTC policy to then send someone out to evaluate her to determine if she qualifies for home health care. Gotta go!! Hugs to everyone!

sharynmarie, funny story... thanks for the laugh! and to bookworm, you are sooooo right, "your job is your sanity", i gave up my career over 10 years ago, because of my son's disability and have been the family care taker of all the "crazy difficult" people in my family ever since. no one respects me or my time, it is just a given that i will be available for any and ALL family needs. and then if i need any extra money for anything, the people with jobs and 401k's, have all the power to just say NO! i don't regret all the love and time i have spent with my family, but i do regret not being able to help my children and grandchildren financially.

I am happy you liked my story envision!! I have a couple more to share. The other day a customer came up to the hot case (I work in a bakery/deli for a grocery story) and another customer came up to the deli case. I asked my co-worker if she could help the customer at the hot case. I walked over to the woman at the deli counter saying "How can I help you?" She said very stoically...I guess I'm your "cold case."

Another day a customer and her friend came in (probably in their early 40's) around 8pm. One lady wanted a sandwich. As I was making the sandwich, I asked her if she wanted, lettuce, tomato, onions, pickles and peppers. She said I want lettuce, tomato, onions and peckers, Lol!! We laughed and she so was embarrassed about it but she wasn't uptight about it. Her friend pulled out her cell phone saying I am going to facebook it. Quit my job...no way!!!

Ohhh, Sharyn, I laughed out loud on the 'hot case' one! You should try putting that (word for word) to Reader's Digest. If they publish it, they pay you a small amount of $$.

As for your mom, she definitely is getting worse. Too bad you don't "pick up" her mail at the post office. This way you can automatically junk the junk mail. I've had to do that with father's mail. If he had all those junk mail, he would be ordering left and right - no matter the cost. He can spend over $200 on one herbal catalog. He orders all these pills, and then it sits in the cabinet expiring.

The scary part is if she's afraid to be by herself at nights, you may need to brainstorm on that. I hesitate to say this but you may have to do this to calm her panic. Problem is - in her dementia - she will end up accusing you of stealing things and kick you out (and if you refuse because it's night time- she might become violent).... or... she may start to think that you DO live there and when you stop spending the night - it will confuse her. I don't know what to say....What if your mom is scared of staying by herself, will she leave the apartment to "get away" from it? My mom started "wandering" at nights. We all took off in different directions looking for her. Finally, father had to add 2 different locks on the kitchen doors, the door between the kitchen/living room, and the livingroom door. She was able to unlock 2 out of 3. HUGS!!! to you.

Envision -- I spend most of my life caregiving. Yet family who earns much more than me (I only make $24,000/year) come to me for money. I spend most time at work/home I have no where to spend my money. Yet these people make over $17/hour and are always broke. I resent it very much. My fault for not knowing how to say NO.

Sharyn, FYI...I hope you don't mind but I copied and pasted your "hot case" story to my FUNNY-AC file. Sometimes, when I feel down and need a laugh, I go to this file and re-read funnies that made me laugh. Thanks!

Book~No problem with copying the hot case story...it was hilarious especially since she was so serious when she said it. I laughed quite hard and she still only gave me a slight grin as her humor is very dry!! The story with the pickles and peppers is actually quite common and easy to combine the two words into one.

We have an appt. with the neurologist on Feb. 11. It's the earliest we can get in. No matter if I am working or not I go to mom's in the afternoon to give her the medicine and I take all the junk mail with me. Yesterday I had to be at work at 4pm . so I had to go to her house before the mail was delivered. Just hanging in there until we get things put in place.

Hi sharyn - things are really moving in your life. I have been reading some of your posts on different threads. I think you are doing so well. I agree with austin that your mum needs to be placed. Things that are happening right now are hard on everyone - if you get in-home care there will be a big adjusment there, and then another big adjustment when she has to be moved again. With your mother's personality disorder she may well have trouble with the in home care workers, and also with a staff in a facility, but it will be spread out among more people. We had a 24/7 live in senior nanny for my mother. It was too hard on the nanny, Mother has had problems with the ALF staff too, but it seems to work out. Did you ever hear from APS? I have wondered if that phone call that upset your mother came from them. I am sorry that your sis is not more cooperative. Take deep breaths, You are doing fine. What is the worst that could happen to your mother? Really, you are taking very good care of her. You have said you are very empathetic and get upset when you see someone else upset however, you can't afford to let your mother's confusion and tears affect you too much. Think of her as a child. I do understand your feelings of ermpathy, and have had to work on myself so this does not drive my behaviours unwisely. This is your mum's journey and no one can walk it for her. We each have our own journeys, with the highs and the lows. Your mum is very fortunate to have you as her daughter, looking out for her. This is a time of transition, and anxiety will be present as you are looking at some big changes. I am glad the neurologist's visit is not too far off - a couple of weeks plus... Count down the days, breathe deep. Presumably the neurologist will make some recommendation regarding the kind of care your mum needs. Meanwhile, your mum will get upset about something, whether it is phone calls, mail, or whatever. You can't protect her from everything. And she gets through it and over it.
Keep on hanging in there, and RELAX. You are doing fine.

book - how are things at your house?

jerlisha - glad you are getting away - you need to plan more of that! 13 years is too long without a break!!!

Jessie - my story - the one like yours - is that the summer when I turned 16, and we were with family at my grandfather's cabin, an aunt drew me aside and told me that they all knew it was difficult for me because of my mother, that she had always been like she was, and that of there was anything they could do to help they would. I don't believe they said anything to my sister, who was the "golden child". Over the years, that meant so much to me. It was an early statement that it wasn't me -not my fault, though my mother gave me the message very strongly as a child that most things that were wrong in her life were my fault -or my father's. It was a Godsend!

alabama -wondering how you are, and what has happened re the court decision. Like you, I am about ready to walk away from it all. I am executor and would not be suprised if, when mother dies, my sister takes me to court. For years, she has planned to get all the inheritance.

envision -only you can stop you from being taken advantage of. I know it is a hard lesson, but focussing more on you and your needs is healthy -just say "No"

austin - looks like you are up and at it again! Good.

hollis - how are things going?

joymoon - sometimes we have to draw some pretty firm boundaries with our children - no fun, but neceaary

cmag - looks like yoir wife is on the way to becoming independent again!!!

capn - sounds like you have things worked out well with your mum. I think they need someone firm, and I totally agree -she should do as much as she can on her own. My mother is a physiotherapist and we were brought up to do for ourselves. She is reaping the benefit of that now. I remind her of that and urge her to do as much for herself as she can. She has told me that she can do more than she thinks she can! I don't buy the helpless act very often.

Margeaux - you have some good insights - yes the relatives will put things aside for a while, if they think they need us, or can use us. It is something to be aware of. Also they will accept no responsibility for trouble that they have started. It is always someone else's fault.

However I have forgotten - not intentional -chalk it up to a stuffed up head due to the cold. I am taking everything I can think of to get rid of it.

I just got over one cold and looks like I have another one -G came home with one yesterday. Aaaargh.

My friend had her surgery Tuesday, and got through it well. They took two lymph nodes neither of which showed any metastases, so it looks like she will be OK.

I just about had a bird when i read what a well known researcher on aging -Aubrey De Grey - wrote: "the first human who will live up to 1,000 years is probably already alive now," My first thought was "Oh Lord, that will be mother." She has made it to 100 already. It was enough to depress anyone. My seond thought was that I would have to be the second person to live that long, so I could have some peace on this earth. LOL - I can't imagine!!!

Take care every one. Remember you are at least as important anyone else, and you are more responsible for looking after you, than anyone else is.
♥, higs and prayers - Joan

* "hugs" that is :)

hi all...thankful to read everyone's comments on different threads. I've been just okay. Mom & I are just in a very difficult place. No diagnosis for her. No outlet for me. I'm spending more time in my room to keep from frustration. I'm not eating. Mom had appt to the doctor on Tuesday that I fought for her to make. She's been complaining about her hip hurting for over two months. Im afraid she may had a fracture from osteoparosis. The docter ordered a series of tests that we did today. She had to fast and takes her like 3 hrs to get ready. What do I find-- her playing solitaire when we should be leaving! Of course Im in a huff thinking, "oh no, there's nothing wrong with this picture". Then she had misplaced her paperwork for the ordered tests! I had to look everywhere and finally found them in the refrigerator. She had gotten a bottle water and forgot. Of course we were late, it made me frantic and my mom knows she did wrong, but wouldn't say a word. Part of me hopes they find something in the tests that will relieve me. How awful is that to say! The other part just wishes I wasn't here. I'm trying very hard to be positive and have been the last two years. It's just not normal to be a shut-in. It's not normal to only go to the doctors, grocery store, pharmacy. It's not normal to stay in your room like a child that's done something wrong when you're 50. I was taking care of everything until she started to feel "not in control" of her life. I can understand wanting to snag some of the things she can do back. But now we are totally the opposite direction! The arguments are everyday. It can be sparked in a second over a news program, the weather, you name it. Then she brings out the big guns if she feels like she's loosing and brings up weird stuff..like I had planned all of this, so i could get her house. I'm like what?! How can someone plan arguments for over six to ten years, to own a house, that until 2009 we didn't own? I ask you? Until the medical community finds something I am totally afraid that this will be it for me. There is no way out and no one to help out. Its not fair that I have to live like this. And it wasn't my choice regardless what the darn therapist says. Let her change a couple hundred Depends, elbows high in urine filled sheets, television so loud you cant think, and repeating everything you say 4x. Ms. Therapist would have a different tune. I will not be able to last another year if this continues...but im trying to hang in there... forgive me, im sounding like a broken record again. Making it to 80 is tough enough...1000 no thanks..lol

oh emjo, that is so funny thinking oh great it will be my mother who live to 1000 yrs, isn't that how things seem to work out sometimes :)

We are in a cold snap it was 3 degrees when I got up this morning-my son had an auto car starter put in my car today-I am so excited-it may be -3 tomarrow.

it feels like 1000 years alreadym and I know it is the same for some of the rest of you.

Hollis - you are right you are leading an abnormal life. Is there anything you can do for you to make it more normal - like getting out with some "normal" people. I don't think it is terrible of you at all to hope to get out of your situation. Could you arrange for some respite? I don't see you wishing any harm on your mum - just wanting a life of your own and an end to caretaking in this form. I would be very resentful if I felt I had to stay in my room. I had to do that when I used to visit mother, as it was so stressful. I couldn't take more than a few days of it.(((((hugs))))

envision - yes, it seems what we fear does come to pass sometimes. A therapist recently said to me - "It can't be much longer". I don't believe it! lol

After I sold my house during a divorce and moved in with my then 82 year old mother with my 2 kids, my life was horrible. She would sit in the living room, the couch had a crunched in spot from her sitting there for so many years. She would watch TV, talk on the phone, have this fat pig of a friend over to annoy me by saying that I do nothing for my mother. I could not take the insults as I had my own house for 27-28 years. I would take the kids out every night just to get out of there. Weekends were worse as she would be yelling at me from her "command center'the couch" or in my face about how I was not doing something right and never made her a cup of tea. She finally almost had me stuck in the house as my agoraphobia came back full blast. A good friend came by who was almost her age and told her what are you doing to your daughter and then took me out for lunch. I left about 3 months later, never to return to that house. I left most of my household in there, do not care. It was not better up here in her house, so I bought my own again within 6 months which was a major mistake as I am stuck here now with a reverse mortgage. She is dead now almost 2 years. Sometimes things come back to me when I least expect it, things she said to me, some are nice memories, most are not. I did fly with my own business here and chamber of commerce for 9 years, then the economy went dead plus my kids were gone from all the abuse from the dysfunctional family stuff and will never return to me. That hurts as I do realise that I became my mother, narcissistic and borderline personality but as they say, it is what it is. At least I am aware of it and am trying to think first before engageing my big mouth. It is amazing how many relationships I have destroyed. But I did get away from her.

austin - the remote starters are great. Minus 20 here. I don't know what I did without mine

joy I am glad you did get away for her. All those negative messages do harm us. I don't know if you do have a narcissistic borderlne personality - as you are aware. The ones I know are not aware at all - that is part of it. I am sorry you feel you have destroyed relationships. Maybe something will work out with one of your kids at least, eventually. It is not over till it is over. I have had my uos and downs with mine too, and still am with my daughter. ((((hugs)))) Life is not easy.

Hollis - It sounds like you and I are living in the same space. Mom will tell me that I am trying to take over everything trying to get rid of her. Jeeez! I cannot get her to the doctor because I cannot get her in my car. We will be trying to get her on the city buses that pick up people in wheelchairs. I think she has a UTI but cannot be sure until she sees someone. It got so bad the day after christmas that I finally called her primary care doctor to get some Physical and Occupational therapists. She has managed to tick off one of them already because she is not trying. The therapist actually said "God bless you" to me as she was leaving. LOL It kind of made me feel better that it was not just ME. Is there a way for you to get her doctor to send a nurse or social worker over to your home? TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF. If you dont do it no one will okay.
God Bless

I'm observing an unfolding drama between my wife, her identical twin sister and their aging, declining both physically and mentally, narcissistic/borderline mother who has given my SIL Durable POA but refuses to give anyone Medical POA.

She's already checked herself in and out of the same assisted living place twice, but then decided to stay home with some hired help who she managed to anger like she manages to do with everyone but cannot see it that way. Her hearing is terrible and her mind is slipping, but she has this idea that new hearing aids will make her hear like she was 21 and that she will somehow get better than she is. She's terrified of the idea of dying, but has always been rather religious, but it's had no impact on her narcissism.

I've told my wife that without Medical POA they are going to be helpless when their mother's health seriously declines which will mean they will have to file for guardianship which will not be pleasant. My wife realizes that and sees the tough road ahead of her and her sister.

At least with my SIL having Durable POA, when her mother's health declines to the point of not being able mentally and/or physically to do her business, then Debra will be authorized to do that which I guess will include paying people to care for my MIL at her home until she dies.

Right now my MIL is in a nursing home that she checked herself into and once again she does not like it and plans to stay there until April 1 when she plans to return to her duplex which will mean expecting my SIL and BIL who are in poor health themselves to help my MIL to move once again.

I can't begin to tell you how many houses she has bought to live in, apartment she rented, condos she bought and duplex she has built. She cannot stay in one place very long at all nor can she handle living with herself, but she can't see how she isolates people (typical borderline 'don't leave me, I hate you').

I'm glad that my mother planned for her long term care with an insurance policy and giving me both POAs before she started really going down hill, but she was resistant to the assisted living idea that her neurologist told her to do and she was resistant to use the riders that her long term care policy had for home health care and home builder care. However, that major stroke and her hip breaking made the situation such that the nursing home was the only reasonable option left although my step-dad did not like it nor does he like me having POA. Mum really should have told him years ago when she did this.

Love, hugs and prayers for all!

Well here is another who fits into this group! My parents were not divorced, but it might have made life easier for the kids! I am now the only child left, and dealing with a Mom who is both obsessive-compulsive and narcissitic at 87. She has a very 'needy' personality. My Dad was an educated, traditional father figure...but he should have put his foot down about certain things in their relationship to help my mother move away from her OCD and neediness. He is 91 and has dementia which has progressed to where I just had to place him in a memory care unit. Mom fractured her back at Christmas and Dad was getting more agressive and yelling, pushing at her etc when he was agitated. She fell once after the fracture was diagnosed....so...next time he was upset, we called the police in and sent him for an eval. It's been a VERY rough month since then. I've had POA since last April...paying their bills and trying to work with Trust Attorney and Care Manager to get his applications in for VA long term care, while TRYING to keep him at home as he wished. BUT their relationship is so dysfunctional, that they do not support each other and bring out the worst in each other. Mom manipulates me to get what she wants. I've purchased a great book called BOUNDARIES which I greatly recommend to anyone who has lived in a dysfunctional family. It is biblically based, but not over whelmed with scripture. I enjoy it more than the psychological stuff myself. There is also another book called 'Setting Boundaries with Your Aging Parents" but I've not read that one. Seems all our sense of boundaries are set in early childhood by our parents. Seems most people have no sense of the dysfunction in their own families for a long time...because all that was happening was 'their normal' and they had no comparisons. I went to college to study nursing..and took normal and abnormal psychology and child development and sociology....all of which helped me to see the 'other ways' there were for families to be. BUT I took my 'compliant boundaries' with me that were instilled by my controlling parents....which was not good for our marriage. Fortunately, my husband DID put his foot down early on and helped me 'give up' my mother's strange set of rules about how one did virtually EVERYTHING! So I was able to loosen up and focus on my husband and children and play and have fun and make memories, rather than having 'the perfectly clean house'! Anyhow, I said enough. Caregiving as a child to aging parents must certainly be easier though if the parents are not horribly dysfunctional and one has not been raised in such an enviornment! My issues are not too much with ME and them...it's having to get in the middle of them and each other. The book is immensley helpful though!

Welcome joannes! Wow, that is one dysfunctional situation that you are having to deal with and I'm glad that you have some boundaries in place. The Boundaries book is very good. Another good book is Emotional Blackmail: When People in Your Life Use Fear, Obligation and Guilt to Manipulate You by Susan Forward.

Joan~Thank you for saying I am doing so well!! Yes I agree that I think our mother will be better off to be placed now if we can legally do it instead of home health care because as you said both situations will cause her to go forward so why put her in a situation of major adjustment twice. She would not be comfortable with me living with her or anyone else since she has never been a very social person. I keep her pretty busy now when I do over there and take her out shopping, but lately she hasn't wanted to go to the grocery store with me. She gives me a list after we have checked her pantry and personal supplies. Now that she bathed and washed her hair for the dr. appt. on Wednesday, she has been willing to go with me. That tells me she either felt icky but didn't know why or she was aware that she needed to bathe but wasn't doing it.

We never heard from APS. I am thinking that the report from her dr. was a standard report he has to do by law when a dr. advises that a patient can not be living alone to protect himself as well as the patient. If that is the case, then APS may not respond. However, if my mother has a tantrum at the neurologists office and refuses to cooperate with a memory screening, we will have to call them or the Area Agency on Aging requesting a social worker. I offered to call them but her dr. said no, I will do it. I am confused as to why nothing came of it. My sister did call APS a while back and they told her we needed to file for a conservatorship which I will not do because of the cost and how long it takes to get one. If the neurologist recommends incompetency, we will have to go court at that time for a judge to decide. Until that happens, we cannot place her so it could be a few months before this is all settled and I can breath knowing she is safe 24/7. My original question on the other thread was should I take some time off work until things are settled? We will see what the neurologist has to say and recommend.

On to the humor that gets us through these times, living to be 1,000, Lol!! I laughed at your response Joan. I am glad your friend will be ok. Breast cancer twice is rough and she will have a recovery to come through as well.

Good night all and Hugs to everyone!!

I do believe and it is said, this narcissistic personality and borderline personality is inherited either by genes or environment. I picked up lots of her nastiness just by hearing it and feeling it all the time. I am a only child. My dad died indirectly of alcoholism when I was 16. The target was me. She blamed me for his death because I have a big mouth(he was obese, ate the wrong foods, smoked 3 packs of cigs a day and was boozing it up and womanizing continuously). This started my agoraphobia and panic attacks within months. Of course I am a ACOA, adult child of a alcoholic and have all 11 laundry list symptoms one of them, the biggest is fear of abandonment which fits like a glove for the narcissistic person. We got to any means to keep a relationship but we also inevitably destroy it by being nasty, sarcastic, back-stabbing, gossiping etc. We are very lonely people as we were not told how to make relationships either with a spouse or child or friend. You see, all this caused me to go one step further after my first divorce and that was to start drinking. I pushed the point and 5 years later I became a full fledged alcoholic myself. I met husband number 3 and he was instrumental in me stopping drinking plus going to a zillion meetings a week. I now have almost 24 years sober. I followed the steps for sobriety but now have to do it for this narcissistic defect that I did not even know I had till I read about it on this site!!! I did say terrible things to my daughter, like you are ugly, blondes have more fun, you are stupid, why can't you get 100's instead of 95's?, stop doing what you are doing! I always had some sort of ailment due to the heavy work load in this bed and breakfast of mine and would look to her to help me. I also used her as a adult to talk about my defunct relationship with my son who was already gone and living with my mother. She started cutting herself in her room due to my yelling and screaming as I found out she was having sex and putting hard core pictures of her on line. She then started threatening to kill me. This was when I gave her over to her dad never to see her again till this day and that was 8 years ago this coming Febuary. So everyone here has to ask themselves, what am I doing, am I becoming my mother one way or the other? I did give too much of myself and material things to my children when they were younger but thought it was due to my guilt for working and not being there for them plus having to send them to after school and other programs. Remember, I did not have children till 35 and 42 and none of my friends had children. I was clueless about raising kids. I was clueless in how to take care of myself and my husbands. This is why all relationships failed plus I did marry narcissistic men!! All 3 of them! At least I can admit it and did to my therapist who did say, yes, I do have this. The only way you can recover from narcissistic personality is to know it first, then THINK before you open your mouth. That is the hard part. Ok, I am now completely clean with this group. Can anyone see themselves in me?

Ok...I haven't been on here for a good long time. I have to get this off my chest and it saddens me that I had to do this but i had to get my friends/room mates/married couple who were staying with me arrested. We had good 8 months and then her hubby walks out the door and ends up in a stress center. He then comes home tells his wife he wants a wife cuz he can't take care of her and their three children who under the age of three 2 girls and 1 boy. The smart thing she did was call her pastor to take the kids so they can work things out but that didn't happen and she starts rejecting christian counselling for their marriage and proceeds to drink beer.
They are no longer allow on my property that I rent from my landlord. I know them both real well and went to school with both of them. I just could not deal with the stress and trying to be a babysitter for my best friend which she is borderline narcisstic person. She has all sorts of issues and now is mad at me cuz I not only lied but inform the police she call me when she had no contact rule based on her conditional release. You can't help everyone and I learn that I had reach a more mature level of growth than her. She is still trapped with paranoia and fear; besides binge drinking and severe epileptic etc . I do not regret calling the cops cuz regardless of the neurospinal surgery she had done for spinal meningitis and double pneumonia. She is also very aggressive and violent. Its hard to imagine someone you know all your life turns on you because you wanted peace. After I call the police I made the decision that they had to move out because they were not trying to get a place to live and I was helping her husband get his disability. She can't take care of the kids because of her medical state and surgery and he can't take care of the kids cuz he has no jobs. So i know a borderline vs bipolar and I could not take the risk of her unpredictable behaviour and her drinking. They cannot come near me and the funny part is that she wants me to lie to a judge. I am not showing up or testifying n purger myself for her. She needs big time mental help so now for now I can deal with the color of black; being her frienemy. I had to get my short term anxiety medication increase so that I can find a way to deal with all of this. I hope the Good Lord Blesses me and allows me to keep my job still but I am also mad that my husband's ltc plan changed their call center hrs so now i have to find a way to get him to his appt on tuesday and pay the baby sitter. The only relief I have is that my family life is back as normal as can be and I can breathe. I am not suffocated anymore or feel like I am going to crack. As for others on this thread wishing you luck and prayers in these tough trials we all are living and going through. Peace N God Bless:)

I forgot to mention Divorce !! lol not correcting what I type lol.

Joymoon, how brave of you to admit your short commings. Yes, I do see a little bit of me in you. I guess I just got genetically lucky to be more like my mom than my dad. But, that being said, I learned a lot of very horrible ways to talk to people. Even though my ex husband was a drinker and a drug user, I still feel bad to this very day about the terrible things I said to him. No one deserves to be abused. I know that on different levels we are all damaged dysfunctional families growing up. But, you can grow and change everyday. I am not saying it's the only way to get better, what saved and changed me was when I became a born again christian. I also ended up in years, and years of counseling. I was blessed, with a very smart, good counselor who helped me to like myself, forgive myself, and this allowed me to love others. I am far, far, far, from perfect, but I like myself a lot more than I used to. Teresa- envisionnow

Protecting my Mother & two adult special needs sisters



My Mom had total knee replacement surgery in feb 2012, my sister talked Mom into putting her on Mom's bank account with ATM card while she recovered so she could pay the bills well she did a lot more than that. My brother who had cerebral palsy was on hospice at the time and two younger sister also special needs live in Mom's home so do I. I was very busy taking care of all of them but was noticing that my sister had plenty of money to spend, her not having a job I looked into it come to find out she had been doing online transfers of my brother & sisters social security money into Mom's account and using her ATM card to withdraw it my Mom is payee not my sister . As my brother got sicker I stayed by his side 24/7, 4 months later he passed away. Last month Mom had my sister taken off bank account after finding out what she had been doing , now my sister keeps calling Adult Protective Services making false reports on me to get me out of the way, then she plans on having Mom claimed incompetent and be her payee & my 2 sisters. My Mom and I haven't even had a chance to deal with my little brothers death and now this. Grieving & Stressed !

Joymoon~My mother has a personality disorder that affected all her children. I agree that it can be inherited and or can be developed by the environment that a child lives in. I think that if a child inherits the gene and lives in an abusive environment then it becomes full blown. It is not an easy thing to admit that we have something like this...I am so proud of you for admitting you have a problem. Recovery is an on going situation and I hope you can continue with therapy to help you. I had a lot of my mother's attitudes about life (learned behaviors), I had a victim mentality, was helpless, very negative, bitter and held grudges. Yes, I was verbally abusive!! I learned to overcome this with therapy and becoming more independent, learning to trust myself was a big accomplishment. I still struggle with low self esteem, some PTSD (certain things will trigger my past and cause depression), self doubt. I have come a long way and so can you. You can become happy and love yourself in a healthy way. Some issue will always be a life time work but don't give up on yourself. Be honest with yourself and your therapist. I have apologized to my husband and kids for how I was when I was younger. It is never too late to turn your life around and build relationships that are healthy. Hugs to you!!

Sharynmarie,

I'm am really happy for you that you've made that appointment for the 11th.
Hopefully the neurologist will finally evaluate your mother. Do you think maybe that since your mom has only been on this new medication a couple of weeks, possibly something is going on for her in terms of an adjustment to it?
It occurred to me regarding those phone calls she receives about the possibility of registering her phone number(s) on the "Do Not Call List." Right after the New Year I started to receive way too many advertisement calls on my cell phone. So my husband found the number for our carrier, and we re-registered our numbers.
Your mother's carrier should have a number for this.
I remember when my sister started to have more problems w/our narcissistic aunt w/respect to her declining health. Since my sister didn't have MPOA of her, and was living in the same household, the situation started to get very sticky, between the lack of cooperation on my aunt's part, and some very necessary medical and caregiver decisions going on there. I remember that she finally became connected with some social workers. They seemed to give her referrals, or ideas as to how to start some kind of process for my aunt.
This really must be a challenge to say the least with your sister. O.K., I'm thinking about you. Take care of yourself, and do take the deep breaths! Much Love & Light! Margeaux