The Caregiver & Dysfunctional Families: How are you doing?

Margeaux~It is possible that she is still adjusting to the medication. Her PCP said it would take about 2 months for it to fully take effect. When I was taking antidepressants I was told a month. It will be a month Feb. 1st. I don't think the antidepressant will interfere with her competency. It will however, help to calm her anxiety which is our goal. Because I am over her house daily, she has become more dependent on me, letting down her defenses down, so more is coming to light with her inability to handle her day to day affairs. She called my cell phone today while i was at work (a first for her to do this). She received something from the State of California and was very concerned. I called her back and asked her if we could discuss this when I come over during my lunch break. When I went over, it was her W2 for SS for 2012. She also received a bill from the city for water, sewer, and garbage that she didn't know what to do with. Whether she is legally incompetent I do not know and I am not looking forward to hearing that she is. I think she is close and still has times when she understands but only for short minutes before she is asking again what something is for. I want nothing more than to buy her time so she can stay home a little longer and be with beloved dog. She has the remains for her other two dogs that she had cermated 6-7 years ago. Their remains are to be put in her casket with her. I find this a little over the top, but it is what she wants!! Margeaux, it is not easy. Not a day goes by that I am not in tears. I know it is me grieving as she declines more. I think the loss of driving, not being able to get out, not having anyone to talk to like she did when she was going to church (she isn't going to church anymore), and the weather has added to her decline. I have noticed on her calendar over the last 2 months, she has not been marking off the days like she was or writing down appts. She was suppose to see the cardiologist today, I didn't know and neither did she until they called her. I have been drilling into her head to take down phone numbers which works sometime but not all the time. Today she remembered. I called and rescheduled for Feb.8th. It's just a routine visit because the artery to one kidney is 90% blocked and they are keeping a check on the function of that kidney. Apparently it is not an artery they can do angioplacty on so they do blood work on it every 6 months. Yes, deep breaths, tears, laughter and continuing on!! Thank you for thinking about us. I hope you are getting sunshine and time to spend with your hubby. Enjoy the weekend and hugs to you!!

I don't think that most people really realize what being a caregiver is until they become one. I never gave being a caregiver much thought until I became one for my 91 yr. old mother. I am 56 yrs. young and have been there for my mother since my father passed away (16 yrs. ago). She had a TIA about 3 yrs. ago and came through it very well. But one day 2 yrs. ago, she was confused and I knew that something was wrong and she knew it too. I convinced her that I would have an ambulance come and get her to the hospital so that we could find out what was wrong. First of all, we found out that her kidneys were functioning at about 10% and we only had two options: she could either go on dialysis (which would just tire her out and it would be a "machine keeping her alive" which she never wanted that) or just go home and to quote her tending physician, "live out the rest of her life there." Second, we found out that the confusion was being caused by a urinary tract infection (that she didn't even know she had). She was in the hospital for about two weeks and it was pretty stressful for me. But, I would be there every day she was there and stayed over night in her room many times. After all, it's lonely when hardly anyone comes to see you (I knew that if my father was alive, her would be by her side every minute!). I had been in the hospital before to where no one came to see me except the tv!

My mother would have these "bouts" of confusion to where I would be "slightly" attacked verbally and some days almost brought to tears. One day both of my brothers came to see her and had heard some of the bad things she would say to me. They couldn't believe what they had heard (when she left the hospital and I told her of this, she didn't even remember saying them). I had later found out that for the elderly, urinary tract infections can cause some confusion and to keep an eye on that. One of the patient service reps had told me that she would need "at home care" to help her to get back to walking again (she was having a little bit of a problem with that). I had told them that I would not know where to begin with that and they suggested that once her "physical condition" was better, they could then try to admit her to a nursing home facility for physical therapy. She was there for about 3 1/2 months (due to Medicare only "picking up the tab" for that length of time) and then she stayed with me for a while (I was having her kitchen and bathroom "renovated" for her).

All that I can say is that I have been there for her...taking care of her and making sure that her house is taken care of (it has some issues that need to get fixed that I just can't do and she can't afford). I've been out of work for a little more than 2 yrs. (but I've been looking for work) and it just hasn't been easy. She helps me a little bit with my bills and I'm using my savings to try to hang on. I now am embarrassed to say that I'm going to see if I can get help for food stamps (I pay her bills and groceries, but there's just not enough of my money for food). I try to do the best that I can for her, but it's hard and it can get very overwhelming on some days....especially when I have no help with all of this. She has arthritis in her left knee, to where it's starting to affect her walking. I don't live close to her (I'm about 30 mi. away) and I have to drive out there to help her. I have two brothers (one is about 10 min. away, but because of his work, he can't help...my other brother is in KY), but it's fallen on my shoulders. I can't tell you how many nights I cry because I just wish I could do more for her....find work so she doesn't have to help me....or just wish that I could change places with her. I don't want her to know of my being upset about this....she has enough to worry about as it is and I don't want her to have to worry about anything! I don't mind taking care of her...after all, she's my mother and if it wasn't for her and my father, I wouldn't even be here. Plus, when my father was in ill health (colon cancer), I promised him that I would take care of my mother. The only thing that is hard for me, is not having anyone to "talk" to when things get hard for me. I just pray every night that things will get better and that MAYBE I'll get lucky and find some kind of work that I can do off of my computer (which would be easier for me to do, since I'm taking care of her). It's just nice to know that reading these blogs lets me know that I'm not alone! God Bless all of you caregivers! Maybe there's a "special angel" looking down on us?.....

I have been caregiving for 6 plus years. Early dementia to mid dementia/alzheimers. Sweet women, 80's. No divorce in her family, but the family could not be more dusfunctional. Caregivers are seen as martyr's, and genuine concern...well let us say...thr=ey cannot get passed themselves. Went thru a real mess, oldests gave themselves POA didn't know what to do with it.
Kicked me out of the mother's building, by telling Senior abuse that I was abusive, went to court, where they thought it a good idea to get a GAL, had an investigation, mother failed to thrive when they put her in the nursing home, sold her building, now living in an apartment with their mother and her son (8 months), whole experience 7 uears in the making and they still do not get it,
They do not even get that they were abusive to the mother, as well as the caregiver, important thing, the Mom is doing well. In the end the Narcisstic's are just that, narcisstic, they come from anywhere and in the end, can only blame themselves, but of course, I can go to bed at night with a clear and clean conscience. Glad to find the blog, hugs when yo need them and prayers when you think you don't. Narcissism doesn't belong to a generation, it is their way of life and their slant on reality. Empower yourself by letting go, their strength comes from watching you suffer, thy manipulate just so secretly, they can laugh brhind your back, once your focus is yourself and your strength, a narcissis' has to move on for another victim, think vampires, emotional vampires. You need your strength, for the real job taking care of yourself while caregiving. Kindred Spirits, I wish you all well, above all else be kind to yourselves.

Emjo,

It's good to hear from you. Real happy to hear about your friend's progress after her surgery. That post about making it to 100 was funny! We had an aunt (grandmother's youngest sister) lived until 109 yrs old, passed in 2007. She was quite an amazing lady. One quality I remember about her is that she was always laughing, and making us laugh.

How is your mother doing these days?
O.K,, I hope you and yours are doing well. Much Love & Light! Margeaux

Sharynmarie,

It sounds as if what you are experiencing w/your mom at the moment isn't easy by any means. I remember while no one was yet living at mom's, this was before her diagnosis of the ALZ, was revealed to me and my three siblings. What we came to discover, was that she'd been diagnosed possibly a year prior, and was already taking some kind of anti-depressant. She and her narcissistic sister lived together.
In those days, mom physically was still the stronger of the two. My aunt had knowledge of our mom's condition, but they were keeping it from us. Mom was still driving back then, if you can believe it, which wasn't a good idea. I don't know if you remember a post awhile back in which I'd written about going there one day.
I found my aunt there at the house alone, and she told me my mom had gone close by, to get some milk. Well, my mom was gone for almost two hours, and I was on pins and needles waiting for her. By then, it was quite obvious mom, probably was disoriented, or lost. But anyway, my point being, that although, I understand your feelings about not wanting to hear about her condition, but really, it's better that you know not only for her safety, but also so you can start to pull some resources together for that time you will need more information to help you out. Believe me, I remember going over there to visit, and realizing mom's mental decline. They never seemed to have their answering machine hooked up, and working. So on one visit I set it up for her and my aunt. I then tried to give mom instructions about how to listen to messages. Of course I had to repeat it several times. In hindsight, after realizing she was well into having ALZ,
one day I thought about this. I felt bad about taking her through this answering machine lesson.
I could tell she was very confused. Later, it also occurred to me she was trying hard to feign that she was understanding the instructions given to her. This I know stressed my mom out, as I recall. We were so mad at her sister for not telling us, about mom's ALZ. But this too was the big dysfunction about the two sisters. I guess for my aunt, it was more important for her sister w/ALZ to still be available to her, as her caregiver & driver. Their attempt at control and independence.
Right after we found out mom was diagnosed w/ALZ, my sister had to have the discussion about taking the keys to the car away. This element of her sister's influence upon mother to make dangerous decisions, especially to still drive, had to come to a stop. We had to decide, "Well if it's upsetting two elderly stubborn women, vs. keeping them safe," we opted for the later.
I have gone through the grieving also. Although, mom has been a narcissist too,
she did have a personality. She could be funny, very sociable, always had great one liners. So given the change in her personality, (more withdrawn), I do miss that side of our mother. I have you in my thoughts big time, a good cry is good too.
Much Love & Lot's of Light! Margeaux

Margeaux~Thank you!! I know we have to find out where she is cognitively at this point so can make arrangements for her safety and well being. The thing that frustrates me with my sis is that she is not willing to give up any of her weekend time to come down here to be with mom for a couple hours.Then I start to feel guilty because I know her health is not good either. So I am back and forth feeling anger at her to cutting her slack because of her health. I think my mom knows that something is not right with herself but whether she ever uses the word Alzheimer's in her own internal dialogue I will never know. When she couldn't recognize a W2 form and only focused on it being from the state of California, it sent out those feelings of not being able to live in her house. She has some knowledge that she can't keep things together anymore...maybe it is a fleeting feeling that comes over her and then disappears as quickly...who knows. It was all I could do not to laugh yesterday when I told her I rescheduled the appt. with the cardiologist for Feb 8. So was trying to write it down, saying ok, it's on Jan. 28. I said no, Jan. 28 is when the glass company is coming out to replace the cracked window. The dr. appt. is Feb. 8. Then she would get it right and then she turn right around and say the dr. appt. was on Dec. 3rd. She is trying very hard to keep things under control but can't. I asked for Feb. 11 off because I know I will have a very emotional day if the dr. says she is incompetent. Helen just called me, she went over to mom's and picked up the tax info, W2 and other things. She said my mom couldn't give her the house address, she had to look it up. Prayers that mom is safe until we get all this settled. Many hugs and love to you and everyone!!

wow quite a bit we are going through and my bout of serious stress to overkill is like someone in hiding. Sorry i need to learn to hold my tongue more but i thought ...nvm what i thought..i do hope we all get the help we need. good nite.

Hi Burned, no one person's problem is NOT serious. We all have each of our own problems. Yours is just as important as anyone else's here. Just like my current problem that I'm dealing with ...I have stopped posting and just withdrawn into myself. Some things I have no problem posting online...and others, I'm too ashamed and just won't post here for all to see. It's just some inner struggles I'm having. I'm dealing. Just wanted to let you know burned that I have missed your postings. I have wondered what's up but....with so much happening, and how tired I am all the time, I no longer really reach out to much people as before. But I still stop by and read. At times, I get depress reading here, so I skip. Self preservation. Please don't compare your problems with those here. Vent and update us on your situation. HUGS!!!

Burned~Sorry for the troubles you are having with your childhood friends and calling the police. I hope it all settles down with you. You mentioned your job. Is this a job in addition to caregiving for your husband? Well, hang in there the best you can, sometimes that is all we can do at certain times. Hugs to you!!

I am in the middle of applying for aid for my mom to pay for nursing home care. Most of my siblings have abandoned me. I know they don't want to have to deal with it at all. My older sister helps some, but not enough and doesn't want the responsibility. I am extremely stressed over my mom's situation and getting her aid and what will happen if aid doesn't come through. It is taking a toll on my health and well-being and none of them care because it's not them. I am not only stressed but angry at them. What can I do?

Bwolf and Camilla~Welcome to the thread! You are not alone and will get lots of support here. Come back to share/vent. Someone will always respond to help you out!!

Lovingmom~I hope you get the aid...does she have medicare? It's a tough situation when no one else is helping. Have you called the Area Agency on Aging? From what I understand they have many programs that can may be of help. It's worth calling them to find out.

As many others will tell you, their siblings don't/won't help either. and you can't force them. One way to look at it is that your siblings have the right to chose just like you do and if they chose not to help then try not to focus on their lack of help. Being consumed with anger towards them will only add to your stress and affect your health in the long run. Family's can let us down quite often and just not be there for us...it's their loss because some day the shoe may be on the other foot and the example they are setting for their children, will bite them in the butt. Hugs to you and let us know how things progress with getting the aid!!

Thank you so much, sharynmarie, for your comments. It does help to know other people are dealing with similar situations.
Medicare does not cover long term care in a nursing home. It is basically Medicaid, overseen state by state. Unfortunately, someone in the family took large amounts of money from her and that may make her ineligible, or they may penalize her by not covering it for a certain number of months, as they consider that a "gift".
And I am the one left holding the "bag".
Yes, someday they may be in the same situation. I hope somebody does better by them than they have.
I will try to let my anger go as I know it only does me harm.
Thanks for your concern!

Well, I think my mother is playing in her house during the night. She has duel pane windows and one window is cracked on the inside pane only and now today she is having problems with both bathroom toilets. She says when she flushes one, the other over flows. How is that possible?? I think she is playing Johnny plumber in the night and messing things up then doesn't remember the next day. Anyway I am off to work shortly, hubby is working too so I called my brother. It's on going circus right now with all three rings running at mega speed, Lol!!

Cmagnum,

I'm glad for you that your mom assigned both the DPOA, and MPOA to you.
This wrought havoc upon our family the last few years.
My sister was assigned DPOA of both mom and mom's sister.
She only had MPOA, of mom, She being the sibling living w/mom (in mom's home), aunt also lived there until she died. But it became a living night mare, towards the end of the narcissist aunt's life, and of course ours.
Since my aunt maintained control about decisions re: her health, made endless appointments last year, w/her various doctors. She suffered from congestive heart failure, and diabetes. We know at the end, she probably had made many unnecessary appointments, also because she as you've described your MIL was very afraid of death. Our aunt was pseudo religious. Religious, just as a front in my opinion.
Major abusive behavior surfaced last few years w/her. Throughout much of this, since my sister called me with endless complaints about her, I didn't just want to be the sound board, but was trying to offer some kind of solutions/suggestions to make life easier for my sister. My aunt maintaining her own MPOA, was the one who decided to do Hospice at mom's home, with no input about this decision at all from my sister.

Well, I wish you the best with all of this and your wife.
I certainly hope the two sisters can keep some of the competitive drama to a minimum. But I understand this, to a degree, since this is some of what I have going w/my own sister. I have chosen though not to compete w/her, which I really have never done anyway. My sister also in the picture of mom's health....enjoys being very secretive; it feeds her control. So she can have that, but what it means also, is then I can only participate to a limited degree. This is too many mental hoops to jump through for me, thank you very much.

I certainly hope for your sake, that there's someway your wife will find the best way to deal with this issue, because it will make life easier for easier for you.
I hope she is continuing to recover her mobility, and I hope you are doing well.
Thank you for writing about this subject. I think also our legal system is so convoluted in these areas. Much Love & Light1 Margeaux

Cmagnum,

What happened, I proofed, and made my corrections, but didn't delete one too many easiers. Also some way. Margeaux

My wife is continuing to recover her mobility and no more news about the ongoing drama. My MIL would love to be able to play one sister against the other, but they aren't going to let that happen.

Yesterday and today, I've been sad and drowsy. I had my thyroid follow up blood work done on Friday and should learn soon if I need a higher dose which I think that I do.

From reading above...reminds me of a recent telephone conversation with a girlfriend. She has wanted to move back to the mountains, but thought it best to remain near her family. It was an agonizing decision, but she bought her first home. She told her family about it and asked for help moving in with all say "sure". And like in the past six years she has been there, they are never around when it is time to pitch in. This time was no different!! But i caught her saying, "I sure hope they dont do this when they have to take care of me when I'm old and gray." LOL... I replied back..."I think you need to rethink that, and get a better plan!" OMG... It gave me a chuckle.

That was a good one, Hollis! I already know that if I ever get bedridden, I cannot rely on my siblings. They can't even help with their own Parents, what more with their own sister! My brother-of-next-door-who-has-5-grown-up-adults-living-in-one-place had the nerve to tell me that he knows his kids would not care for him in his old age - but he can rely on me to do it. I did not appreciate that. I believe in Karma. Sorry, bro...I will not deflect Karma! =)

I am so depressed. Last week, we found MIL a wonderful independent living place, well within her budget, that had everything she said she wanted. And it is immediately available. She seemed excited, and started the paperwork. Yesterday, she announced she was not moving. She thinks the application process is somehow a scam to get at her money. She will not allow the complex to verify her income. I am beside myself. Exactly where does she think you can rent without verifying income? I told my husband she has no intention of leaving. And why should she? We have given her full run of our house. I am sick of it. Tonight, I could not even fake being nice. I am tired of her idiotic requests. She instructed us to warm her plate for dinner ( she cannot eat off a plate right out of the cupboard). I just ignored her. I just want my home back.

MyWittsEnd, that is so frustrating. I don't blame you for wanting your home back. I've probably asked this before and if I have please forgive me, but does your husband have POA for his mother and if so, is it a Durable POA because if it is, he could go on an fill out the paperwork in her behalf and get her in the place. I hope for your sake that some solution is found soon.

It is so comforting to know that I am not alone. I am now the caregiver to narcissistic mother and father who endured years of emotional abuse. What I thought was buried deep, the resentments and heartbreak that I feel everyday are overwhelming. My only support system is my husband and 15 year old daughter for whom I am so grateful. My golden child/narcissistic brother is of no help to me. I cannot stress the importance of therapy and self love even though it is easier said than done. Sometimes we find comfort and support in strangers whom we have never met, and I am eternally grateful for this forum.
Jennifer

Need help with sister who has medical power of attorney and is primary responder due to her close physical proximity to Mom's nursing home. She is causing family fights over every little thing. We are not allowed to ask her any questions about Mom's care, or we are 'disrespecting' her, the sister. Stressful enough without all the fighting...

I don't know what you can do Angie. If your mother has a living trust and the same attorney wrote the POA then you could contact him/her because I would think your sister has to report to someone showing how the she is handling the finances. When my sister can legally take over our mother's finances, she will have to report to our mother's Elder Law Attorney most likely on a yearly basis giving an account of how she is spending our mother's money on mom's care.

Angie~I am sorry I misread your post. Now that I re-read your post, I suggest that you and your siblings stop asking your sister questions because it gives her power over you. Just go visit your mother and spend time with mom. Chances are...if your sister has a power issue, she will transfer her power issue to something else. It's all about getting attention and if she isn't getting it then she find another way to get it. Just make sure that you and your siblings can visit your mother at the NH without your sister interfering. If necessary, see and attorney to cover your bases so your sis can't stop family from visiting. Hugs to you and let us know what is going on!

From what I read around the threads on AC, if sis has the medical POA, she can exercise her rights to prevent her siblings from visiting their mom. I do recall reading another poster who's sibling was doing this to her. The NH would not let her visit or release any information about her father. I guess you can see the attorney but make sure you see an elder attorney (one who specializes in the elderly). Otherwise, if you go to the wrong lawyer and they give you wrong information, and you enact on their recommendation and lose - you will have really pissed off sis and she can just get revenge with you by forbidding you from seeing mom. Best to just Not rock the boat and go with the flow. Sis is power hungry, just cater to her "demands" no matter how much it pisses you off. BUT, if you go to an elder lawyer and he recommends that it is possible to prevent sis from stopping you all from visiting, then good. Maybe (?) go with his recommendation? (Sorry, my siblings had gone to court 3 times - and all 3 times - they chose lousy lawyers and got the short end of the justice system.)

MyWits – well, you just have to make living with you not so great a place to stay. Can MIL still do chores? Maybe hubby can approach his mother and ask if she can start contributing to the household. And yes, I would also stop warming up her plate. If she wants it warmed up, she can do it herself. Anyway, think of this as “training her to move out and live on her own.” You know how parents are suppose to do this for their teens before they leave home for college? Teach them to cook, wash their clothes, etc..? Maybe you all need to do the same with MIL.

Jhodierne – this thread seems to have a lot of narcissitic parents involved. I suspect father is one but I just don’t delve deeply to find out if it’s true or not. We will always butt heads with another and unfortunately, we both like to be right. So, I will just go with the flow and wing it as I go…..But I agree with you wholeheartedly. This is the best place to vent our anger/bitterness/resentment/frustrations…You take care and when you need to vent, just jump in and do so. HUGS!!!

Bookworm- that is my plan starting yesterday. We have made her way to comfortable. She can do chores, but she is very overbearing. That would give her free license to redo my whole house. No thanks. Yesterday, I cleaned up the stock pile of groceries and condiments she insists keeping on the counter. This week, we are taking back our family room. She can watch tv in her bedroom. Why should we be doing that? So, that's my plan for this week.

MyWits, I didn't even think about how MIL will take over the house by doing some chores. Well...glad you thought of it.

Bookworm, I know her :). Plan in place to convince her income verification is standard. Keeping all of my appendages crossed!

Hi Sharyn, Margeaux, Cmag and all regular and new posters here. I didn't mean to ignore you all. I tend to read posts, and when I zoom into something I want to comment on, all else is thrown behind the back of my head. I post and reply back to the exclusion of all else. Gotta go now and clean mom's trache and read a mystery book. Night!