The Caregiver & Dysfunctional Families: How are you doing?

alabama - I am so sorry. My thoughts and prayers are with you. This is why I do not tell my brother anything, He does not call or come by and just make promises. Take Care

Just dropping by to say hi. I've had the worst time going on to sleep when I go to bed between 10 and 12. I'm not able to go to sleep until hours later on. This has been going on for a week or so and last night I did not sleep at all. I've called my doctor about this and expect her to call me back tomorrow. I've taken a step-back from AC due to some post triggering my own unresolved feelings. Thus, I've also been spending more time than usual in my "man cave."

Prayers, hugs and love to all.

Hope you get more sleep soon. cmag. That must be very hard ti take.
(((((((hugs)))))) Joan

Cmag - do you think one of the medications is giving you insomnia? Or maybe one is too strong? It's difficult to say. Can't be the Mrs because on your updated posts, the Mrs has been improving (walking-wise). And you have cut back on AC. So something else is triggering it....Then again, it could be old age. I read from articles that when we get older, the less sleep we need (Ha! That doesn't apply to us caregivers!) And that the older we get, the more we do NOT sleep as long as we used to. For me, insomnia is due to stress, not wanting to face tomorrows, medicine taken too close to bedtime, and drinking coffee in the afternoons. I hope you figure out your cause....

Joan, I'm doing fine...still getting up several times every morning to suction mom. She now chokes on her saliva even though I have her on the side. Her tongue kindof sticks out and blocks the passage of the saliva from the mouth out. I hope you're also hanging in there all in one piece. Later...

book, I don't think it is old age at 55 for I've been up to like 3 or 5 gone back to bed and slept till 8 or slept for a very long time.

One night, I could not get to sleep until around 3 am and I finally got to sleep and slept until past 1pm. I don't even feel tired tonight and I've been u[ 24 hours straight without even a nap. I don't think it is the addition of the thyroid med.

Now, if I can't sleep for two more nights straight, my psychiatrist is going to say that I'm entering a manic state of my bipolar disorder. I don't feel manic. I still feel depressed and am irritable, plus some parts of some days I have more energy to do things than others, but I can't wind down enough at night to sleep for my brain keeps thinking about random things. It is very important for people with bipolar disorder to have a stable sleep schedule and right now mine is off the hook!

I am going to try to go to bed and fall asleep.

Happy Valentines everyone!

Ohhh..not familiar with bipolar. I hope you do get to sleep!

Thanks Book, I'm still awake. Just could not fall asleep.

I'm Cmag...I know how frustrating it can be when you cannot sleep. You just lie there and try NOT to look at the clock because every time you look at it - the time is moving so very slow. And you just lie there and resent Everybody who is sleeping and you cannot. And your mind is so active and not one bit sleepy....With all that said, I'm so sorry Cmag - I laughed at your reply comment to my hoping you get sleep.

Finally fell asleep around 3 am and woke up a little past 7. That is not enough sleep. I will be glad when my doctor calls me today.

Happy Valentines all!

♥♥♥ Happy Valentine's Day, everyone! ♥♥♥

Do something loving for yourself today! :)

Might try Holy Basil for sleep. Its from the health food store.

@Lavender, it seems you would want to set a good example and keep your sibling updated. I make sure I do the right thing. In the past when my parent was ill, my abusive sibling was kept updated always.

I will be so happy when all of the court stuff is over with for me. I will then be able to go far far away from the evil family members. Today I was not allowed to call my parent to wish Happy Valentine's Day. No calls No visits. My parent misses me, asks people to sneak her out of the house to see me. I have now taken my battle to the state level. Even people who are adjudicated incompetent have rights. If it takes the state to help, so be it. It is just sad to come from a crazy family and now the whole world knows about the insanity. Really stupid, stupid. I do have to laugh, because if evil sibling's spouse wants to claim sibling incompetent, all that would have to be said is "Well the parent was incompetent, so it was inherited."

Sharynmarie,

I have your bother's step son in my thoughts. This is tough.

Well I'm glad to hear you finally had the appoiintment with the neurologist.
It's always good for one not to lose their sense of humor, as I see your expressed herself, in the doctor's office, how great! We do have to look at the good side of these events, no matter how small they may seem.

O.K., keep us posted, about your mother.
Much Love & Light! Margeaux

Emjo,

I'm really sorry to hear about Gary's mother. I will keep her in my thoughts.

Yes, my husband does do his share of travelling. He took the computer with him, so this is why I've not logged on for a couple of days. I was feeling the grieving, from Vanilla's passing. Interesting how an cat can provoke these kinds of feelings.

O.K., take care, Much Love & Light! Margeaux

Thank you everyone for your prayers and thoughts for my brother's stepson. It is a very sad situation plus they are dealing with sil's mother who has lung cancer too.

This is my brother's second marriage which he set boundaries around because of the dysfunctional situation in our family so I do not know this young man. I have been in a few social situations when he was a teen but that is all. My feelings are still there regardless. My feelings are centered around their family and what they are all going through. Thank you all and hugs to all of you!!

At 4 years old sweet an innocent a huge sledgehammer crushed me and I'm still living the hurt. My Dad walked out and left me, my mother, and my brother for a stewardess he worked with. I remember standing there and trying to get the words out, please don't go daddy. From that day on me, my family, my life have been one dysfunctional rollercoaster. I'm angry because no one knew it was there job to tell me it wasn't my fault. To this day the little girl in me still knows I must have done something wrong. "don't go Daddy, I'm sorry, I'll be better. You can only imagine what type of relationships I've had with men. Not interested in attempting another one. I remained throughout my life terrified of my Dad, I guess bc I never knew where I stood. With both parents I don't feel I ever measured up. My Dad started showing me a little repect when I took care of him the last 2 years of his life. Now my 92 yo mother lives with me and is declining and most of the time I don't do anything right. I am a daughter and her child therefore not top of the list. It's especially sad bc even if I tried to explain and talk all about the dysfunction over the years she would not get it. I just don't think she thinks deep. Her 2nd husband was an evil man and she doesn't remember all the things she went through with him. Fortunate for her she only remembers good things. Repeatedly I felt like i didn't matter. My step-father was sexually innapropriate with me and he was told nothing. i was told I couldn't wear my nightgown around the house. Nothing volumptuous about me. History of poor self esteem. i don't remember anyone ever telling me they were proud of me and now that I'm trying to give her the best care I can, it's killing me. Sometimes i pray I don't wake up. I'm a Christian and struggle why God has picked this life for me. My profession is being a caregiver and I've had enough. I would just love to have some respect through this. I'm not picky - anyone will do. My brother and I don't get along since dealing with my Dad's estate. Now he thinks I'm an idiot taking care of mom. When my mom passes on I'm sure I'll feel very quilty for not being more compassionate and patient. I feel mu life is a no win situation. I'm so sad. I've received therapy for years and I can't seem to process all of the childhood stuff. My greatest joy in life are my pets and all animals. Ya'll got any ideas. No one understands the dysfunction I went through and why haven't I gotten over it and no one but you guys understand the caregiving part. Was life really suppose to be like this? God bless you all and thank you for allowing me to vent.

@alabama - I guess you are right altough I feel that I am an only child at the moment. I do have a resentment towards him. Every time it gets bad this is when I get angry that he is not more involved with mom. He has called her twice this year. I will try and do what you say. To do the right thing and I will let you know. I will probably feel better knowing that I am doing the RIGHT thing. Thanks for your feedback. Take care/

alabama - I've just been reading and becoming familiar with you family and all that's going on. My heart aches for you all. I've watched my husband Pete cry at the death of his mom, who without a doubt was one a true gem. I only knew her briefly since Pete and I are both were married before and only found eachother about 7 years ago. I've gotten very close to his father, who is 97 now and in frail health as well. Helping someone you love navigate through their grief can be hard, but it can bring you even closer together.
As for your nephew, I can't begin to tell you how I ache for all of you. I lost my 14 yr old son nearly 22 yrs ago, and it still leaves an empty, hurting place in my heart. Nothing really prepares you for the loss of a child, because it seems so "wrong". I survived through my grief because of loving friends that held my hand through the darkest days. If I learned anything at all about being able to move on after his death, it was that it's OK to experience and feel all the confusion, pain and sadness that comes with a child's passing. It's OK to acknowledge that loss on important days like birthdays, holidays and the anniversary date of their passing, but to make that acknowledgement a positive thing, and celebrate the one you loved in some little way, then proceed with your day. Revisiting the past by only thinking about the bad and sad doesn't help you heal. I also learned that there should be no guilt in allowing yourself to "let go" of the pain and move forward with you life. Your loved one, especially a child, wouldn't want his parents or others to stop living their lives because his was cut tragically short.
After some time passes help your family come up with a way to honor your nephew that will have a long term, positive impact on others. After my son's death, who was very active at scouting at the time, we were able to start a memorial fund as a way for people to do something as opposed to flowers and such. We did it through his local Boy Scout Council. We were amazed and moved at how much people contributed. A year later we created a foundation, and held a golf tournament for anyone that wanted to participate in our community.(We lived in Eau Claire, Wis. at the time). I can't tell you how wonderful it was to know that people wanted to be part of it. We had students, teachers, parents, local business people, etc. to join in. Totally AMAZING. The proceeds went to starting a scholarship fund for a scout in need of help with college. It's been all these years and the memorial scholarship is still being given every year. We held the golf tournaments for 4 years. After that there was enough money in the fund to sustain an annual scholarship from the earnings on the account. Last year we gave the scholarship to a bright young woman for the first time. She was part of the Scout Explorer program in Eau Claire, and very deserving. Believe me when I tell you that doing something like this( or any other thing you can come up with), is a tribute that will change your life. Knowing that your loved one's memory made it possible is a powerful healing process.

You all are wonderful, and I'm so glad I found you. I keep you all in my daily thoughts and prayers now, and will continue to do so. Dabs

Lavender, I think that is all that we can do and that is the right thing. I sleep at night because I always try to do the right thing. As far as my evil sibling....I am not so sure. I believe in Karma.
dabs4mom I think you have me confused with someone else as I have not lost anyone.

Alabama – Sorry that your sister is winning. I’ve seen that happen here on this site.
Margeaux – I wondered where you were. You were obviously “absent” here.

Shootme – Welcome to AC. It’s NOT your Fault that your father left your family. It’s NOT your Fault that your stepfather was sexually inappropriate. By telling that YOU cannot wear a nightgown or anything sexually stimulating was blaming you for HIS actions. It Is NOT True! Unfortunately, you will see over and over in life and in the news – how a mother is willing to sacrifice her children in order to remain with her male partner. Here on island, a mother held down her elementary child while her boyfriend raped her. Here on island, they know uncle is a molester, but they look the other way and allow him easy access to their daughters. You see in the mainland news how a mother used her 2 young daughters for sex with her boyfriend. She got caught. While in jail, her sister had custody of the the girls. What did dear sis do? She also used her nieces for sex for extra income. These girls were elementary ages…. So, Shootme, I’m sorry that your past truly messed you up as an adult. I’m glad that you’re seeing therapy. I and my younger sisters have blocked out our childhood memories and refuse to go to therapy to remember it. I have absolutely no desire to remember the sordid details of my childhood. Younger sisters and I are quite happy in our ignorance. I think our subconscious decided to protect us by wiping out our childhood memories. From what older brother said, it seems that father did some terrible things to mom..and I don’t remember it at all. ….So each of us caregivers have pasts that affects us today. Please come back and vent if you need to let out steam of your frustrations or for advice.

Dabs4mom – I’m sorry about your son’s passing. I understand here on this site that the pain never really goes away. I always wondered why people would do scholarships and programs under their loved ones’ name. I think I’m beginning to understand from your comments. Thank you…

Alabama - Sorry for mixing you up with someone else. I think now that it may be sharynmarie who's nephew is so ill.
Sharynmaire, I hope you saw my previous post. Know that you and your family are in my thoughts and prayers.

I am sorry i haven't posted for awhile...I had to do something horrible and that was to arrest my best friend over 3 wks ago because she slipped and she is borderline. Now she is threatening me with court and said I lied when she did those things in my house. On the other hand, hubby is doing better and then not better because well he is sleeping more and doing less in a matter of being himself but he is much better without the chaos. I am trying to get help for a sitter for the kids so i can make his appointments with him. The hardest part of all this is that he wants another child and that is kind hard to do when you are out of it most of the day. today is one of those days that i want to cry but prayers and blessings to those going through a rough time.

Burned....WOW....your post has rendered me speechless...but I will offer this thought...Do you really think that bringing another child into the chaos that swirls around you, is a good idea??

Having a good and bad week. My brother is battling with himself and his relationship as a newly (a year or so) gay male. His boyfriend is a known drug addict and we all agree he's been a bad influence and he ended up in a drug overdose this week in the hospital, the night before that, my brother sent a cryptic "luv you, bye" message at 3 a.m. so we all worried if he was on the same path or not, but he seems to be settling down again and the siblings are planning an intervention with him soon. That is quite disheartening and I was quite upset but then i said he's gotta accept responsibility for his own actions across the board, get rid of this guy who's drug him down the path to hell for this last year, and move on. If he doesn't, I'm sorry, I have Mom to worry about and I have to stay on task with her, she is the most important responsibility in my life. Crappy and selfish twit and i worry on the days he's here to take care of Mom. Somebody's always gotta check to be sure everything's okay and he's having a good stable sanity day......The Serenity Prayer helps me through every day and of course, the Grace of God and excellent bosses, staff and students who help be through each day.

dabs4mom~Thank you, I did see your previous post and thought you meant it for me. I appreciate it, it means a lot to me and my brother's family.

My mom's MRI is on Feb. 20. Will update when we get results and final diagnosis. Thank you all for your support, hugs to all!

Fraulein, there's only so much one can do for grown up siblings (or children.) You can give advice but it's truly up to the individual if they want to listen or not. Most don't want even when they hit rock bottom. It's all about denial and thinking that they're doing okay. I've seen that show Intervention. Sometimes, they're like intervention # something. It's not a one time thing. It's a continuous struggle. Like you mention, you have your Mom to worry about. Your mom, you and your immediate family. I totally agree about how helpful it is to have excellent bosses!

Hi Burned, Sharyn. Thanks for updating us. Sharyn...Will your mom be able to NOT move for that time they're doing the MRI on her? I tried it once only. The noise that machine makes can be startling. I loved the sounds. It sometimes sounded like screeching tires to jack hammer sounds,etc.. Although I chose soothing music (which helped prevent me from jerking when the machine's noise suddenly boomed out of nowhere), the machine's noise was really loud. The tech told me that most people prefer to keep their eyes closed. I would have too but you know how I'm continually tired? I was so afraid that if I closed my eyes, I will fall asleep and then acid reflux with occur and I will wake up choking (we lie flat for the MRI) and jerk up suddenly from the choking. So, I had to keep track of my acid reflux while lying down. I did a lot of swallowing.

I honestly don't know Book. She is hard of hearing so I was hoping if we took out her hearing aids that she wouldn't hear the noise. My sis insists on taking her that day and it is the first of 3 appts. she is taking her to all within an hour apart. I could go since I don't go into work till 4pm that day but I don't know if my being there will make any difference. I'm not very happy right now because of work so I may suggest to my sis that they give mom a sedative but then she would miss the appt. for necessary blood work which is scheduled one hour later. We could reschedule the eye appt. for another day. I will have to think about this. Hugs to you!!