
Many of us, myself included, come from a dysfunctional family which adds a lot of weight to the challenges of caregiving. I have read stores on various threads on other topics and decided it would be good to have a thread just for this topic for people to share, vent and discuss.
The idea for this thread originated on the thread named "The Caregiver....How are YOU doing today?"
I hope it all works out smoothly like sis is thinking of. I'm still trying to figure out how you can get mom to stay still in the MRI for atleast 20 minutes? You can't really give her meds because she will be getting bloodwork afterward. What is your mom's favorite food or activity? Well, her Current favorite because with her dementia, she will be forgetting those too. But, what's her current favorite? Maybe use this as a bribe for her to behave during the MRI???
thanks margeaux - I still haven't heard anything - may try calling someone else tonight
sharyn - let us know how it goes with your nephew - so hard on everyone. Hopefully the hospital will have had other alz patients in the MRI machine and have a process for dealing with them. I agree that 3 appointments, though convenient for your sis, may not be realistic for your mum, Let us know if you end up going too - it might help. Sorry the hear that you are not happy because of work. I agree your sis does not sound like a nurturing person. - maybe has some of your mum in her
welcome shootme - ((((hugs))))) sounds like you have been through a lot. I think most of us here understand the dysfunctionality. Getting over it while caregiving is difficult as there are so many triggers. For me it is a lifetime process. Grieving the childhood and family you needed but really never had is an important part of healing. I know I will never do anything well enough for my mother - just the way it is. Better to grieve the loss and accept it as well as you can.
dabs - I am so sorry about your son. I lost my youngest son10 years ago. I agree that continuing to do things in his name helps.
book - wow you have some horrible stories! sounds like your mum is declining a bit with needing to suction her more. Some good ideas for sharyn
burned -sorry you have been going through such a hard time - I agree with beck in wondering if bringing another child into your already very stressed life is a good idea
fraulein - that is very scary about your brother - glad your sibs are doing an intervention. Yes, you have to make sure that your mum is well cared for.
I have my oldest grandson here doing some chores for me for a few $$$. After I will take him out for a hamburger. He is a very nice young man.:)
♥, hugs and prayers for everyone
Removing the hearing aids may help some, but it all depends on what kind of day she's having overall. I'll be thinking about you on the 20th.
I used to have Med. POA for my mom and always took her to ALL appts. she was at ease with me. My bro, somehow, changed the Medical POA to him and my sis. My mom had to go to the podiatrist last week and asked me to go with her. I always explain what is going to happen and what to expect. She may not understand everything. So, I know how to calm most of her fears. My sibs aren't the nurturing types. I know my mom VERY well as she has lived with me in the past. My sibs are just learning things about her and how to deal with her. I don't know to what extent your mom's Alz is but she will probably do better with you by her side, too. Blessings.
Hi all, I haven't posted a lot lately but I think of you all and pray for each of you and the ones you care for. I read constantly but I sit in the background admiring all of you for the care you give and the way you give of yourselves on a daily basis as the in home caregiver or as the caregiver with the person at a facility. I've been on both sides and know it is a difficult situation to be in. Blessings to ALL!!!!
Dabs, I am very sorry for the loss of your son. It is a great idea to honor them as you mentioned. I have not lost a child which I know and understand is very painful. I honor my father in different ways such as cooking foods he grew with in N. Ireland, visiting him on St. Patrick's Day with potted Shamrocks, his birthday which I took my mom with me this year since I knew she had not been out in a year or so due to the dementia.
Yogi, I read on another thread where you are seeing your mother now. That is absolutely the greatest news!! I am so happy for you and your mother. Keep us posted about your visits with her.
Alabama, keep us posted on the appeal regarding your mother. It must be very hard what you are going through.
Book, I want to thank you again for your time last night in helping me see things more clearly!!
I will let you all know about my nephew as I am given information. My brother and sil are in upper management and hoped to retire the end of this year. My brother told me he thinks they should retire sooner so they can spend more time with their son. I don't ask them for a lot of information because I know it is very hard for them to talk about it, but sis and I have open communication with them and they will let us know as they feel the need. The young man went to Lake Tahoe last weekend with his wife and friend as a last hurrah but I am hoping he has some more weekends to celebrate life before he becomes bedridden. Thank you for your prayers and thoughts it means so much to love and support from everyone. Love and hugs to all of you♥!
He told me some more information about that day which he had not told me before. They were in the process of putting wall paper up and my mother asked him for the car the next day so she could pick up more wall paper. So, he got a ride to work thinking nothing of it and why would he of for the previous day had been just fine. When he returned from work that day, he finds this note from her that he can find his car at the airport.
I've tried looking at this from various perspectives like the sociology of families and family types which were greatly different for these two; northern and southern; Presbyterian and Roman Catholic; etc. Each of those shed varying degrees of light on everything, but none are sufficient.
It is a mystery that I've never asked my mother about although I know she carries a lot of hate toward him which she wanted me to absorb, wanted him to never visit me, plus told me that he had died, but had no explanation for how come he was visiting me. My dad on the other hand has never had a negative thing to say about my mother and when I got older, he started telling me more facts about things, but now at 87 he is trying to make piece with his past and this is the one point that is unresolved.
My wife and I talked about this tonight. We came to the conclusion that possibly the key is in one major theme of my mother's life. She has always run away from stress. Mom and dad had barely been married a year when I was born. She wanted me raised with the help of servants like she was. He wanted me raised as an all american boy, whatever that means, When visiting his side of the family, she reacted strongly against them saying how much I looked like that side of the family to the extent that she said I was a ___ baby, her side of the family not a ___ baby, my dad's side of the family.
My wife and I think that mom just flipped out and ran. Years, later she flipped out and ran off to the beach house for months at a time while married to my step-dad after I graduated from high school and left for college. Before that, her work experiences were full of examples of her just getting flipped out and running away. I could go into writing about my childhood which I've done here from time to time, but I don't think it really applies to helping my dad make peace with that divorce which at 87 still haunts him like a ghost from the past.
My dad also told me tonight that her mother's pastor told dad that my mom had chosen the lesser of two evils in leaving him whatever that means.
Thanks for listening to my rant. I wish that I could help my dad come to terms with this.
It is not unusual for a elderly person to review their life and try to come to terms to with things. They either conclude that overall they had a good life or end up in despair thinking their life was in vain.
I get the impression that at 87, he is content with everything about his life as a whole, but that one thing. I think he is basically living for three reasons. 1. To care for his dying wife whose pulmanory fibrosis continues to worsen. 2. To see me and my family one more time before he dies. 3. To make peace with his divorce.
Grandson appreciates all the money he can get. It will be spending money for whatever he wants to get or go out with friends. I remember being poor with no money. I would skip lunch and keep the money so that I can buy a coveted toy. Every morning, I would search the playgrounds for fallen coins. Walking on the road from the bus stop to the house, I was looking for coins. Then, when I got enough money, I take the bagful of coins and buy the xmas nativity scenes that I was saving up for months.
Margeaux? Where are you? Has your husband taken the computer again?
cmag - that is very good insight from mywitsend. As much as there may be some things you can say, as book suggests, that could help to some extent, your dad may never have the answers that he is seeking. Some things are not easily "fixable". I like what mywitsend says about taking responsibility - sounds like your mum was not good at that. Have you decided on how to deal with it?
susan - you are sounding a lot better than you were. Thanks for the love and support. I am so glad that your life took an upturn.
hi book - if you read my post again, I didn't say your childhood was terrible, I said that you had some horrible stories - the stories of abuse of children. However I know you have written before that your childhood wasn't great. I think I understand that you could not cope with knowing more about your childhood while caregiving your parents. Just the caregiving is traumatic enough. Seems they both are declining noticeably. You must have mixed emotions.
My grandson is a saver, actually, he handles his money well. It will not go on "toys". I am proud of the way he handles his money. A little proud grandma story - when he got his first paycheck for his first job, he put most if it in the bank, then spent a little on some clothes for himself from the thrift shop, and finally bought a small gift for his little brother and one for his little sister. It is one reason why I don't mind hiring him to do things. Nothing much different around here otherwise. I will know more about Gary's family when he gets back from his business trip later in the week.
mywitsend - that is quite a story about your grandfather, and hard to understand why anyone would do such a thing. Your grandmother sounds like such a dear.
yogi, It is so great that you are seeing your mum again - answers to prayers!!!
Hope everyone has a good week. More snow here - ugh! but the temperatures are not too bad. Gotta get to some inside chores today.
♥, hugs and prayers Joan
I must catcfh up reading everyone's situations. I've been w/o our computer as my husband took it w/him on this last trip out of town, and he is returning tomorrow.
I've been able to use my neighbor's computer, but I just log in and check the very necessary, but don't want to monopolize it. I'm grateful I can do that. There's nothing like having one's own computer at home. Anyway, I just wanted to let everyone know, that I've had to read some posts very quickly on acount of this.
I'm so glad my husband is coming home tomorrow, I've certainly missed him.
So, just wanted to say, "Hello." I'll be back very soon. Miss all of you! Much Love & Light! Margeaux
He was released this past weekend to a skilled rehab/nursing home, where he stayed last summer after double pneumonia and congestive heart failure. It was like going home for him. He loved it there and the staff enjoyed him as well. As soon as in was brought in on the gurney, everyone was welcoming back (by name), the nurses were fussing because he was not on a certain hallway and wanted him back on their hall and he was getting high fives and hugs from everyone.
I really like this place and would recommend it to anyone needing care. Even some of the residents were there that he remembered and he kept wandering back to his old room, because he thought that was where he belonged. His old room mate would talk with him and then call for the nurse to gently guide him back to his new room. They are trying to work on getting the two of them back together again.
The administrator came up, gave me a hug and told me not to worry; that we had done all we could and now it was their turn. She told my husband and me to take a trip somewhere for a while and just relax, that we'd earned it.
You can't ask for better help and caring than that.
Hi, Margeaux, nice to see you back online.
Love, prayers and hugs to all.
Mamoogins, I am happy to hear you are feeling good about the snh your father is in. Now you and your husband can enjoy time together. If a trip is what you want by all means go for it, you deserve it and will have peace of mind knowing your father is being taken care of.
Good to hear from you Margeaux!
Just an short update: My brother sent an email, his step son is in hospice. Brother and sil are not going to work right now, doing everything they can to be supportive of their son and dil. Take care everyone!!
mamoogins - sounds like it was a move that had to be made and was the best for everyone. What a welcome he got! It sounds lije a very nice facility and a caring community. You are right - you couldn't ask for better care than that. I do hope that you are hubby can relax and have a break now.
cmag - sounds like your mum was spoiled in a sense, and running home could certainly be seen as not wanting to take responsibility - for herself, her marriage, her child (you) - she wanted others to look after her
((((((sharyn))))) I am so sorry about your nephew. I know it has to impact you. I am glad they have hospice to help them through this. I know the pain your sil and the family are facing and it is really tough. more (((((hugs))))) - Keep us posted.
Hugs to everyone!!
Mamoogins – I’m sorry that your father has gone downhill so fast. But I’m so glad that you found a very good NH that actually cares about their clients and the clients’ family. That’s really rare from what I’ve been reading on this site. I’m glad that you and your husband can have peace of mind that he’s being well taken care of.
Sharyn – I’m so sorry. It’s Okay for you to be weepy and sad. It’s not really all about you. He is family. I just don’t know what to say. I kept typing and erasing several times. HUGS to you, Sharyn…
How can we, or, can we, prepare ourselves to spare our children this pain?
(((((sharyn))))) of course you can express your feelings. That's what we do here. I know it is hard on you, as well as other family members. You didn't say his dad had died of the same thing 2 years ago. My bil died of colon cancer about 12 years ago, at the same age his mother had died from it many years before. He, at least, was 65. You nephew is much younger. It doesn't seem fair, I know. especially when you read about older people hanging on for so long. Please feel free to come here and vent about that too. I remember when my ex's sister died. I was not that close to her, but was to her mother - my mil at the time., and of course to my ex. The impact was great, and I had a lot of feelings to work through too. At one point I had quite a lot of anger, and had to avoid certain people I had focussed it on, as though I knew they didn't "deserve" it, but I still felt it. Eventually it wore off.
It's OK, book. I know you have a great deal on your mind between work and caregiving both parents. I don't know how you keep your head straight as well as you do.
Hi hessaw - interesting question, which has been touched on before in various places on AC. I kind of bridge the gap, being a distance caregiver for my mum who is 100, and being 75 years old myself. Truthfully, as we are a long lived family, I haven't given it a lot of thought other that making sure I had a decent income for my old age and working on my health. I retired only a couple of years ago. I have absolutely no expectations for caregiving as regards my kids. I think a major issue is providing for oneself financially. Another issue is living a healthy lifestyle which tends to promote better quality of life in the last years, as much as, or more than, many extra years, according to what I have read. It is something I work on, I really get concerned for the people who have given up jobs, financial security, friends, hobbies, and often their health in the process of caring for a aging, ill parent. It doesn't seem right to me. Who will look after them when their time comes? It is not a pattern that I would like to see passed on to the following generations. In the old days, there was more of an extended family to care for seniors, and that arrangement did not disrupt the life of adult children as much. Nor was there the prevalence of dementias as there is now, I think. Nor did people live as long. Society changes and we have to change with it. What are your thoughts?
cmag - hope you are sleeping better
margeaux - hubby should be back by now or soon, and with the computer!!!!~
austin - haven't seen you around much
everyone - take care!
Blessings - Joan