The Caregiver & Dysfunctional Families: How are you doing?

Thank you Emjo but my bro and sis are helping care for her feet/shoes. I don't want to take all of the credit as they have helped make things happen for the best care of my mom.

Sharyn I am sorry for such sad news. You and your family are in my prayers. Blessings

Thank you everyone. I know I can express myself here I just didnt want my feelings to be of focus in tnis situation because my brothers family must be feeling so much more. Than I am. I had a good cry yesterday and last night and I feel better abput things today. It just hit me hard yesterday. Thank you I appreciate it!

You are right Joan, the impact on me has been hard. I did not expect it to be this way since I really don't know him. We have been in family gatherings together but he was a teen when my brother married his mother, so his desire to know us wasn't there because he was a teen (normal teenage thinking). The last time I saw him was when my brother's youngest son got married in 2007, and he had already been through the first go around with cancer in his colon then. We all thought he was going to be fine. Dr.'s said he would be fine. But I guess when something like that is genetic, there are no guarantees. He has only been married about 3 years, yes his wife knew he had already had cancer twice when they married. He worked at the same place my brother and sil work. He put in for transfer to Washington State where one of his brother's live and he and his wife moved, I believe it was the summer of 2009. They were there maybe only 6 months when tests showed the cancer was back a 3rd time in the liver again but this time dr.'s were going to have to remove 90% of his liver...no guarantees were given this time. The surgery was in Sept. of 2010 and dr.'s just closed him up because it was worse than they thought. He and his wife moved back here when he was well enough after the surgery and he has been on chemo pretty much since then. His dr.'s here in California are at Stanford in SF so he has had the best available for his situation. I am angry at times because it just isn't fair even though I know this is life. He went to see his father in May of 2011, his father was in final stages at that point. It impacted him so much that when he was offered radiation, he refused it because of what his father went through. I guess the radiation ravaged him and the pain was much worse. I can't help but wonder how much worse when this young man is being give a combo a morphine and methadone now. He has hospice care to manage his needs which is a blessing for his wife. My brother said the dr.'s have not given him a time limit and I don't think they asked because it really isn't important in the bigger picture. i did not ask my brother how much time he had left, he just volunteered that information. They can all spend time with him while he being kept comfortable, receiving support from hospice. I did finally tell a couple ladies I work with last night because I couldn't keep my emotions under control yesterday. The whole situation is heart breaking and I just keep thinking about him, his wife, my sil and brother...how they must be feeling.

Anyway, my mom had the MRI today with no problems. Maybe she has forgotten she has claustrophobia. I left for home after the MRI and sis took mom to the lab for blood work and then to the eye dr. The eye dr. asked my mom if she could read a certain line of letters. My sis said mom blurted out, "Shit no!" Sis said the dr. busted up laughing and couldn't stop for quite a while. I guess mom is losing her social inhibitions now, Lol!! After things settle down, I will post addressing people more specific and what is going on in your lives. I am thinking of you all and thank you for your support, I couldn't get through all this without each and everyone of you!! Hugs to you everyone!!

Sharyn, thanks for sharing about your nephew. It is sad isn't it? So young and just newly married. I'm so sorry. I really, really really hope that if he's in pain that they are handling it better than here on island. For your brother and SIL's sake, I really hope so. HUGS of comfort, Sharyn...book

P.S...with your mom...glad she made it thru...so..she forgot she's claustophobic and she's forgetting her inhibition...what ELSE will she be forgetting??? =)

My sister sent me an email saying,"Are you thinking of having JG represent mom at the competency hearing?" ....my thoughts ?????. I sent back an email telling her that from what I understand, when we get a certification of incapacity from a dr., we give that to mom's attorney who will then work with us and represent us in court. I said, I am not paying for a conservatorship, it should be paid for out of mom's estate. She said she was confused and that I should keep the copy of the LTC policy because I seem to know more about what is going on than she does. It's only because of being on this site that I have information that she does not have. It doesn't mean I am right.

I received a call from APS today. The woman said she was following up on a visit to my mother's house a month ago and she wanted to know what is being done to help my mother. I told her mom had an MRI yesterday as part of a neurological exam and we are waiting for the results of that to determine a diagnosis of dementia and whether she is legally competent since we cannot make decisions for her until she has been certified incompetent. I told her I am over mom's house daily, on my days of work I am over 3 times a day making sure she is eating, she is getting meds everyday at the same time, and that she is safe. I told her mom is not wandering at this point in time. She said you are doing everything correctly. She said that we care correct that we cannot do anything more until we have the certification. She wanted to know if mom had an attorney and I told her yes. I told her we talked with mom's attorney in the fall because she cannot handle her finances, he told us he cannot help us until we bring him a paper saying a dr. has determined she is incompetent. She said that is correct, you are doing all that can be done at this time so I will not be following up with you unless there is some changes in the situation. I sent sis a email telling her about the phone conversation and she responded, "I guess they got your phone number from mom's PCP instead of calling me." Is this really want is most important...who gets called??? It's sis's own fault because she is not available most of the time. These are the boundaries she has set...I don't want to argue with her about it. I will do want needs to be done regardless of her being available. My vent and rant for the day!!

sharyn: I'm glad to hear that your nephew is on hospice. They are truly remarkable when it comes to not only caring for the patient, but also the family. As a family member, don't be afraid to ask to speak to them for your own coping as well. I continue to keep you and your family in my prayers.

Everyone else. I'll catch up when I have a little more time to type. In the meantime, keep your chins up, and keep on sharing...... it's good for all of us.

Thank you Dabs4mom~I am glad he is on hospice care too. Everything I have heard about hospice is positive. The family will need support from them as well. I wish we had called in hospice when my father was in final stages of dementia. I second dabs4momn, keep on sharing as it good for all of us. Hugs and love to everyone!!

am an only child of parents that should have never been married. My father was a violent wife beating husband. He was unable to control his temper. My mother chose to stay even though she made more money. Fast forward I have spent a great deal of money and time to heal. I just wanted to enjoy my adult married life and raise our 2 children. Thankfully I have been able to keep my now adult children from the effects of my emotionally toxic parents. Well the dreaded time has come for them to leave their home and they are non-compliant. They both are still driving. They both have waited too long to make this much needed decision of planning for your aging years. I have spent much of my life trying to protect my mother from my father. However she doesn't want to do what she needs to do. So she won't leave my father but yet continually complains of how hard her life has been while blocking anything that might improve her circumstances. They both had cancer 3 years ago. That was a nightmare. I lost most of our daughters senior year of High School. After the worst of the hospital stays and Doctors visits were over I found myself unable to function well. I was getting lost driving familiar routes. I have been diagnosed with PTSD, due to all the violence and out of control behavior of my youth. Now I feel like it is all happening again. It seems that I have to choose to walk away but feel guilty about that. Or to sacrifice my own mental health. The neighbors look at me what are you going to do, or it is time to step up, however they don't understand that the law renders me powerless. My husbands parents need to be out of their home as well and he is the only living child. His parents are 1500 miles from us and mine are 2 hours from us. Thank you for letting me vent.

Wheretogo- as far as your parents go, I would learn to cope with the guilt. You will feel guilty no matter what you do. Preserve your mental health, and do not lose valuable time with your children and your husband. Whatever planning your parents did or did not do for their retirement, that was their decision. Add their very toxic relationship, and you need to set very firm boundaries. How prepared are your in-laws? Is your relationship with them better? I think, if parents are not abusive, you should make sure they are safe and taken care of. That does not mean you necessarily have to do the caretaking 24/7 by yourself in your home. If parents have always been abusive, then it is really what the adult child is comfortable with. People who have not grown up in an abusive environment do not understand what caregiving for your abusive parent means. D not worry about what your neighbors think. Worry about yourself and your immediate family. My mother passed away, but she required alot of care for several years. She had a very volatile temper and could be very verbally, and occassionally physically, abusive. I knew from the time I left home, I would never, ever let her live with me. I know full well what that is like, and I could never expose my family to that on a daily basis. I would make sure she was cared for, but not in my home. Feeling guilty is sometimes the lesser of two evils.

This is an excellent post. I too come from a dysfunctional family. I am not alone!
My mother has early Dementia. I gave up 30 years of living on my own to move in with and become her caregiver.
I (thought) I left behind the VERY dysfunctional behavior that I grew up with, only to find that it's more pronounced.
She has always been a "know it all", head strong woman that pretended everything was OK in the middle of a hurricane, in a constant state denial.
Now with her disease, her personality and these behaviors are more pronounced.
Despite me giving her care and making sure her life at HOME is comfortable, I am constantly lying, being difficult, and questioned.
I realized my issues of growing up in a dysfunctional family and her behavior many years ago, however, and I was able to distance myself from her constant badgering about I need to do x,y & z with MY life. However, now I'm living with it as a grown woman.
It's HARD. I can relate to how you feel.
I like the above comment "no matter what she says or does, do not get lost in the craziness". This is EXCELLENT advice, but difficult to do.
Because my mom does not realize that she's got Dementia and she "feels" fine, she questions why I am here. She doesn't realize that she put off & paying her bills and ignored the financial mess she got herself into, long before her diagnosis. She never took her medication and now I have to give it to her morning, noon & night. She has bad knees (refused knee replacement years ago) and is a SERIOUS fall risk, because she doesn't want to use a cane. She is vain and cares about what other people think.
I am new to this (my mom was diagnosed about 3 months ago) so I am working on strategies to help me not react to her. For me, reacting makes it worse. It's easy for me to walk away, but because I am in the same house as she, it's HARD to escape.
I am going to follow your post :-)

JessieBelle I have had similar feelings which I describe as a since of impending doom so I become on guard for the next battle is that what you are describing?

Sharynmarie,

One just never knows how the illness of a person is going to affect us.
Certainly, the difficult situation your brother's family is facing it does stir all kinds of emotions. I will keep all of you in my thoughts. Please do not feel as if you are focusing on your self either in all of this. Besides, we are here to listen also and offer our support. It doesn't really matter how well, or close we have felt to people either. I think it's healthy also, for you to talk about this, rather than bottling it up.

Oh, I had a good laugh, when I read what your mom replied to the eye doctor.
My mother also comes out with funny and quite blunt responses at times.
Thanks, I needed that laugh. Much Love & Light! Margeaux

My husband returned a day ago from his trip. It was a difficult week and a half being here alone, right after the passing of Vanilla. The first two days, I heard some scratching at our front door, (exactly where he once scratched). I opened the door, but there was no one there. It's like I have to keep reminding myself that he is no longer here. This is why I was particularly glad that my husband got that assignment out of town, in some way, because I knew it would be very hard for him. But he's one of those guys who doesn't show his emotions very much.

So the first week he was away, my neighbor was having a venous procedure done to her leg. She has a very strained relationship with her own daughter who ignores her. The daughter lives close by, but never offers to take her mom to especially a procedure as such. So I offered to do this for her. I can't believe how some children of people treat their elders in this country. But I also think that my neighbor has very low expectations of her daughter, and others in that family.

Anyway, so I took her to an outpatient procedure. Pre-operative instructions were that she avoid alcohol, and aspirin, as this could cause bleeding on account of the blood thinning. This lady, I'm afraid likes to drink more wine than is good for her. So she did stay away from the wine for 10 days prior to the procedure. So the day I took her to the hospital for this, we then returned and I escorted her into her house. Later on, I went to check in on her, and to see if she wanted to eat, as she was supposed to stay off her legs. I couldn't believe it, she was drinking some wine. I didn't say anything to her. Two days later, I again took her to a follow up for an ultrasound. She had a friend over during the weekend, and I know they again had some more wine. I must say, that I think the day after she's been indulging it affects her mood. She's been somewhat argumentative w/me.
If I say blue, she says something red. I'm helping her, but honestly I don't like this kind of treatment, either. Do any of you who have had experience w/people who drink, notice this contrary temperament? Anyway, by this last Monday which was about a week after she'd had the procedure done, she told me she was having pain and feeling heavy in her leg. I very politely suggested to her, that whatever she's ingesting, is very important for her healing. Sugar being inflammatory, cannot be good. Anyway, she is a very nice person on many levels, and I do care for her enough, but sometimes she really wears on my patience. I'm wondering too, whether she's dumping on me, since her family ignores her.
Margeaux

sharyn: Your mom sounds like a character. I know for sure that mine is. At this point she has no "filter" on her mouth. Sometimes she says things that you have to laugh at even if they are inappropriate....can't help it. Other times you have to just go with it, especially if she's being nasty.
Hey, remember what I said about it being ok to acknowledge your own pain or grief. A good cry once in awhile is your body's way of clearing out the junk that emotions can build up. It clears your head (not to mention your sinuses) and helps you to refocus and look at things from a different perspective.

Just so everyone knows, I worked with hospice for over 5 years up until a couple years ago. If anyone has any questions, I'm happy to share as much info as I can. It truly is a wonderful thing. It's a shame more people aren't educated on what it actually is, the care they provide, how it's paid for etc. I'm here if you need me.

Cmagnum,

Thank you! I've been away, as maybe you have read already, was w/o our home computer. I did go and renew my library card, and I can use one there. But my husband returned from his trip w/ours.

Well after having read about the situation with your father, it reminded me of my dad's situation in life regarding his ex-narcissistic wife. Apparently, they married very, very young. After I did some research about the family tree a few mos., ago I discovered that dad was 24 yrs. old w/an eight year old son. They as a couple lived w/her parents. But at some time, my dad bought a house, so that he and his wife and their now growing family could live in.. She apparently, didn't want to break away from her parents, and didn't. So form some years, my dad was living in this house, and visiting the wife and kids at the in-laws. The problem was that it seems as if, somewhere in the picture when he'd visit, she'd later become pregnant. Funny how that works! Anyway, they had five kids. Dad finally became fed up, I'm sure both w/her, and the situation. They divorced.

Later he met mom, and they married. I found out about this precious family when I was ten years old. Even though my dad financially supported this family, he wasn't really emotionally connected to them. Two of my half brothers did kind of reach out to dad later on when throughout the years. I wondered many times about this, but my dad was a rather emotionally jammed up man. I remember trying to ask dad questions, when I was a kid and just wanted to know about where our family name came from he had avoidance in his responses. Anyway, especially on the front of dad's lack of interaction with his first family, it made me feel in some way guilty, as in......we took other kid's dad away from them. But I finally, have come to the point that when it comes to other's people's information, about spouses, I guess some things definitely are sacred. I really considered this over the years as to how my dad would not respond, or put me off with any of these types of questions. Anyway, at that point I stopped feeling in my own way, responsible for dad's feelings too. It really helped me, in a big way. This has been a big lesson also about the fact, that we really can't have all the answers about people, and I'm o.k. with that.

I'd also read about the fact that you haven't been sleeping lately.
Do you possibly think that you could be tossing all of this in your mind a bit too much? This happens to me, when I become stressed. Anyway, I chanted the other day, and visualized you snoring up a storm. O.K., a big hug to you my friend! Much Love & Light! Margeaux

Cmagnum,

On paragraph #3, I meant to write: "I found out about this previous family, not precious. I didn't want to sound sarcastic about any of this. They are precious too!
Margeaux

Thank you Dabs and Margeaux! I am glad you got a laugh out my mother, she is getting to be a character and I am enjoying what her personality is now (sadly it is a result of dementia) as opposed to her normal personality disorder that I grew up with. She still makes accusations all is based on her old self who never does anything wrong, but it is easily resolved now. Today when I went, I found a note she wrote saying someone took her oranges, bananas, rolls of paper for drying hands, apples, and corn flakes, Lol. I have to laugh because no one took them, she ate the food and used the paper towels but she doesn't think she did. She said she had them over the last few days but now suddenly there are gone. In her irrational way of thinking, "someone took them". So when I get off work tonight, I will buy her some apples, oranges, paper towels and corn flakes!! I have the note and I think I am going to keep it forever. Maybe I will make a memory book about my mother and the funny things she says or does just to look back on to see the lighter side of my mother that never existed before.

Margeaux~Some people when they drink become disagreeable. It sounds like the alcohol is the problem. It is so kind of you to help her out, especially when her family doesn't seem to be interested. It doesn't mean you have to tolerate her behavior. Tread lightly. Hugs!!

Dabs~Thank you for offering info on hospice. When my dad was at that point, I didn't know about hospice. Whether my mother did, I don't know. Hugs to you!!

Have a good, quiet weekend everyone.

Ok...I have been carrying this around for about 5 weeks now. It is not caregiving related but it could very well be dysfunctional thinking on my part. I may be over analyzing, over sensitive, and just way out there, but it seems to me that my boss has a different attitude toward me since her little talk to me about not putting my job first, not expecting my employer to be there for me because they will have no problem getting rid of me, if push comes to shove, and not having regrets. I base this on the fact that the first 3 weeks after she talked with me, I only got 1 day off each week. Then when I had 3 days scheduled off consecutively, I was called to come in. I get messages from her regularly about family first and maybe it's just because I am a Christian, but family comes first. She is not always directing it to me personally, but I am present when she says it.Prior to her talk with me, she would joke with me from time to time, now she seems so serious. I realize that if she wanted to get rid of me, she would look for ways to write me up and have me fired which she isn't doing. However, I can't help but feel that she is sending strong messages to me. I keep ignoring it hoping things will go back to how it was before her little talk but it hasn't happened yet. I don't know if I mentioned that what brought up her talking with me in first place was because I lost my mother's antidepressant medicine bottle the first week mom was taking it. It was found in my department the next morning. I reported it to the night manager that night. The bottle fell through a hole in my apron pocket. I keep the medicine the glove box in my car but that day when I went to mom's during my lunch break to give it to her, I forgot to put it back in the glove box. I get the idea that she thinks I am working for what my employer gives to me such as medical and dental, vacation. Which I admit is important to me, but I also go in on my days off 95% of the time I am called. I take pride in my work by doing my best and always pushing myself to do more.I am a team player, and yes, I grumble, everyone does, Lol!! Do you all think I am being over sensitive?

Sharyn, It's late at night here. Too tired to think. I re-read your words twice but my brain is foggy. (Plus I keep craving junk food and been restraining myself - so maybe my mind is not totally on your words but...my self control struggles). You gave us the background information. Now what is your concern?

Before your talk 3 weeks ago, was your schedule different than it is now? Before - when you had 3 days off- it became one? It sounded like your boss - originally- wanted you to take family leave. Are you saying that by encouraging you to take these leaves, she would use this to "lay" you off? Or because you're not taking time off for family, she will find ways to force you to take it? I tend to get brain fuddled by evening time....We could wait for me to give my Guess - if you don't mind waiting until my tomorrow when I'm refreshed and gungho for the day...(Really, Sharyn, my brain is soooo foggy right now.)

Whatever is the case, I'd play it safe and continue to be a team player. If it will allay her suspicions, why don't you take one or two days off for "family" leave (if it doesn't require paperwork from the doctor) and do spend time with your mom. At least when you go back to work, you will look more frazzled returning than when you left! And they will definitely know you Did take family time off. It would be very stressful for you by dealing with your mom, but it would also allay any fears of work from your supervisor. What you do - which I do all the time - I time my leaves when the office is not busy. This way, no one resents it that you took leave when it was very busy. So if Fridays are the busiest, do not take leave on Friday. And if I misunderstood your question - blame it on my fogged up brain....

Sharyn, there are laws out there to protect you if you are caring for someone. I ended up having to take Family Medical Leave, when Mom was coming home from rehab. It's federal law that your employer has to allow you up to 12 consecutive weeks to care for someone and hold your job for you. Of course that doesn't mean they won't find a way to get rid of you when you get back, but if you did ask for and take FML, it would give you something to hold over them if they did try to fire you. Bookworm is right. Keep up your excellent work standards as best you can and hang onto that job for now.
On a different note, DO NOT keep your mom's meds in your car! If you get stopped and they are seen in your car and don't have your name on the bottle, you could be arrested for possession! Has happened many times here. Merry's friend, a man in his 60's, was keeping a bottle of his meds in his car console and had some of each script in one bottle. He got stopped for speeding and was arrested on the spot when the pills were found. Until they could contact his doctor and find out what they were, he had to stay in jail. be careful, and maybe get a note from her doctor to keep with the pills if you are going to keep them with you.

Sharynmarie,

I remember when you had originally written about this matter, that I really wondered why a manager would be so concerned about the fact that you take time off of work, and when you should take it.
One time, I left to pick up my cell phone at my sisters place of employment. I had left it at her house on a recent visit to see mom. It was a time when the stress was escalating over at mom's, since our aunt's health was taking a serious dive..
I know for a fact my sister was taking time off, (and only what was coming to her), not any added days that would jeopardize her position at work. When I arrived at her job to look for her, she wasn't there. I had taken quite a drive to do this, and found it odd, that my sister didn't call to inform me she wasn't going in to work that day. So, I went to the main office, as she was working in a high school to ask whether she was just away from her desk, and one of the secretaries told me she hadn't gone into work. I completely baffled, explained to this woman, my reason for being there." This lady then gave an attitude of, "oh yes, your sister, has been making some mistakes of lately." I never mentioned this to my sister, because I didn't want to add to her stress. My sister had totally forgotten to call me to let me know she wouldn't be there that day. But I definitely got it that day, that many times things happen quite involuntarily and could make other employees, who I'm sure have their own baggage about being at work etc., and make unfair interpretations of a situation. Fortunately, my sister is still working for the same company.

Deefer12, has given you some good advice. Maybe you should do a search about laws that protect you as an employee. The other thing I wanted to add, is the fact that your car temperature will always be warmer than normal temperatures. Now I know that it has been colder lately. But do you think it's a good idea to store medications in a car? The instructions for storage of such medications is usually, in a cool place.

O.K. Sharynmarie, I'm thinking about you very much right now, as I'm aware that things have been coming very fast at you. Much Love & LIght!

Book~I know the fuzzy brain feeling, Lol!! What I am feeling is that she does not approve of how my family is handling things with mom. Her remarks about her being a Christian and family comes first over her job. Before the talk, I was only getting 24 hrs. a week which is the minimum they can give us when it is slow. She would schedule me 3 eight hour shifts with 4 days off and 3 of the 4 days were consecutive.Right after the talk, she started scheduling me with only 1 day off, 3 days would be 5 hour shifts and 3 would be eight hour shifts. Like I said, I could be over analyzing it. Last week and this week coming I have 2 days off.

Deefer12~ I haven't asked for the FML because I don't feel I need to at this point in time. I am not stressed and I have told my boss that my mother is being taken care of by several of us in the family who are all going over to her house and spending time with her. Like I told Book, I just feel like she doesn't approve, and if it were her mother, she would be doing something very different putting her mother's care over everything else. My thoughts are that with scheduling me with only 1 day off a week, she was purposely making it more difficult for me to spend time over at my mother's to help care for her. I will do a search to check out the laws protecting me. I must ask, how would taking the FML be something in my favor if she were looking to get rid of me? If she really wanted to get rid of me, I think she would be riding my butt and looking for things to write me up on plus with this company, they can transfer us around to other stores so she could just transfer me to another store. That is my logic on it. I just feel her attitude is different toward me now since her little talk about not having regrets, not putting my job over family because in the end, my employer isn't going to be there for me and I have to be prepared for what may come up with my mom. I agree about keeping the medicine in my car. I have only been doing that with the cold whether, but I never thought about if I got caught by the police that they might hold me until they can prove it is my mothers. I will talk with her dr. about. I go over to mom's on my 30 min. lunch break to give it to her. Her dr. told me back in Oct. that I needed to take charge of her medicine because she came in his office one day (when she was still driving) with several different medicines asking them which ones she was suppose to be taking. He said some were expired so he took them from her. Thank you for the info, I really appreciate it.

sharyn - that was my take on your supervisor too. I think she is trying to control you - to force you to take time off to spend with your mother because of her own beliefs. You are doing such a good job. So glad the hospital experience went well.

Here Gary's mum is out of hospital and weak but recovering. I am emotionally and physically exhausted by some stuff that has been happening, but I will recover. Son Dave and dil Penny have been so supportive, also my ex is coming up roses. All the effort I put into that relationship years ago - he reminded me we were together for 27 years - is paying off. Life is strange sometimes.
Hope everyne is having a decent weekend
♥, hugs and prayers. Joan

Margeaux~I have to agree with you about the interpretations. I will figure out some other way of taking the medicine back and forth. I may just have to go over in the mornings to give it to her. I started giving it to her in the late afternoon because the pharmacy said it could make her drowsy in the beginning. She has been taking it long enough now that I can switch her over to mornings. I just wish that people who don't know the full story or have any understanding of my situation (meaning my boss) would not make comments unsolicited. It makes me uncomfortable that she is judging me and my family. Anyway, I gotta go to work now.

Thank you Book, Deef, and Margeaux, hugs to all of you!!

Joan~ It is good news that Gary's mom is home recovering. Good for your son and dil to be there helping with their support!

Thank you for saying I am doing a good job for my mother. I would much rather think that I am misunderstanding my manager than to think or know she would use authority to purposely make someone's personal life more difficult. My sister says I should just tell her I need two consecutive days off a week to take care of my mother. I don't want to do that or ask for any special considerations because I can't help but feel that it would make things more difficult. Who am I to ask for special considerations at work because of personal issues? It just doesn't work that way for most of us. My sister's job is different, they seem to be more accommodating...at least she says they are.

My mom called me this morning saying her microwave was smoking with white lights and blinking lights. I asked her if she put something metal in it. Sure enough, she put the dogs dish in to warm her food. I told her to unplug it and not use it. I took over hot food from work on my break so she would have dinner and not use the stove. Sis called saying she would take mom out later in the week to get a new microwave???? I told her I would take her tomorrow. How did she expect her to eat without a microwave for a few days. Now she won't be coming down at all this week to help. I think my sister's health is worse, she sounds horrible on the phone. I can't help but be angry that since January she has done very little to help out. This is not all due to her health. Some years back when mom was sick, I had a hard time getting her to come down to stay with mom so I could have a break. She refuses to give up Saturday and Sunday to help which means she gets her weekend. My weekend is during the normal work week, I get no time for my home responsibilities or just a day to relax. I told my husband I am going to request a weekend off work and tell sis like she told me when she went away for a weekend with her man friend..."sorry to dump on you for the weekend, but I am going away with "T" for the weekend." I can just hear her protest now!!

Hugs to everyone!!
Sharyn

Emjo,

I am very happy to hear that Gary's mother is out of the hospital.
Yes, it's interesting when we get support from people in our lives, when we often least expect it. Good to hear something like this. I think these things happen also, because of one's own past efforts given to relationships. This is what I call hope.
This is encouraging!! O.K., Emjo hope things are well with you and your diet.
My sinuses have been flaring up again on account of the approaching spring.
But I did have too much sugar last week, could be this also. The chocolate, which I love!
Be well, my dear! Much Love & Light! Margeaux

I spoke with my sister the other day. Mom was having a few very awake days again.
When this happens, my sister tells me that mom in her ALZ, starts to talk, and ask and repeat questions. It wears on my sisters patience, of which she has zero!
Mom was asking her for people from her past, (people my sister doesn't even know). So my sister called one of mom's only friends from her childhood. They talked, but not very long. So after the phone call was over, mom continued to ask my sister about people who had already passed away. Suddenly, my sister said, that she realized my mom thought she was still talking to the friend they'd just called. So I could hear it in my sister's voice, that she thinks mom is going deeper into ALZ. This is the first time this has happened. I went to visit mom about a week and a half ago. But she was sleeping almost the entire time I was visiting, so I have no way to gage any of this. Anyway, I have to go down there this week, to see what's going on. She did look more frail to me, been down with a cold, so hadn't been eating as much. Margeaux

Margeaux~I am sorry to hear your mother is progressing. This disease really is hard to take at times. I pray I do not develop it. My dad slept alot when he had dementia. It drove my mom nuts with her personality disorder because her mentality is that we should be doing productive work from sunrise to sunset. This is how she was raised. My poor dad could not do the yard work anymore. His mind could not organize how to follow through on these activities plus he (like my mom) had lost weight and look very frail. Finally she hired a yard service.My dad would talk a lot about his deceased mother having been by for a visit. It is rough. I understand your sis has no patience just like my sis. When my sis found out mom had ruined the microwave by putting the dogs metal bowl in it, she was angry. She said I told her last week not to do that and here she goes and does it anyway. Sis...mom has dementia, she can't remember what you tell her 5 minutes after you tell her. Enjoy the time with your mom and many hugs to you!!

Margeaux - I'm really sorry to hear about your mom's change in behavior. It's all part of the ALZ progression. I'll never forget the time I walked into my mom's house and found her having an entire conversation with her answering machine. She was playing back a message, and actually thought she was talking to her friend. She has started talking more and more about my dad and her sisters that have both passed away. It kills me when the doc asks her if she knows her soc.sec. # and she can rattle it off, but she can't tell you how old she is, or what state she lives in.
This past 5 days have been really interesting. She has a friend, and her daughter, that drove down from Ohio for a visit. Believe it or not they're staying at mom's house. Mom's care giver has been very sick with the flu and hasn't been there since last Thursday. I've been going over everyday, cleaning up, and fixing dinners for them. The daughter has friends here and leaves during the day, but shows up in the evening when ever...to eat and sleep. She even brought her 18 yr. old son that lives here with his father over to mom's to sleep. Mom is a wreck. She loaded with $$ and doesn't have the good sense to go stay in a hotel. Mom's enjoying her friend, but even her friend can't believe the change in mom. I've been calling mom at least 2-3 times a day to remind her to take her meds. Her care giver gives them to her when she's there during the day. Of course mom has told me over and over that she took them each time I'd tell her to. Today I had to refill her pill box, and I couldn't even find it. She had moved it to under her bathroom sink for some reason. Anyhow, I come to find that she had "redistributed" her pills in the empty days instead of taking them. As if I wouldn't figure out that's what she had done. When I asked her about it, she said that Maria(her CG) and I had messed them up. Yeah right. All part of the process.
Sharyn: Hang in there. It does sound like your boss is jerking your chain. It's none of her business how you cope with your mom's needs. Given that you have to have a job, it makes it harder. The boss has no clue what it's like, so it's easy for her to judge. Just be mindfull of things at work. The last thing you need if for them to look for reasons to let you go. Taking some personal time may be what you have to do. Check with your HR department to find out the details of FML. You're entitled to it, and if you take it, they can't say anything.

Tight hugs to everyone.