The Caregiver & Dysfunctional Families: How are you doing?

Oh thank you so much for taking the time to write~and such great suggestions. To clarify, these are two different friends. the one who drinks too much wine was my next door neighbor growing up. She is an only child whereas I am the middle of 5 kids! I know L. is very very depressed and has gotten far worse as her mother has declined in mental health. When her widowed mother moved from her close knit hometown in the rural area of VA/TN/KY to swanky Potomac, MD, it threw her for a cultural loop. L.'s mom was like a second mother to me and I love her dearly. L. just can't see that her depression is leading to alcoholism! Her husband is either so busy at work or he just can't stand to argue with her. He is the sort of man that will NEVER leave her, which is darn good for her!
The other friend S. is the one with PD, cancer and knee replacements...brother! They moved from here (Seattle area) a few years ago. S had many many friends and is a social outgoing person. Her husband R. is a know it all and can't stand most people. they have not made any friends in the new town as S. can't get out. She does do a swim class or at least she did before the knee surgery. I went to visit them last 4th of July and just about cried at the way R. treated her. Not hitting or such, but making remarks about her in the 3rd person and being such a martyer .I don't know how she stands it. She is currently in recoop place and is making great progress. Happier than ever that he isn't there 24/7. Thanks for the help, I'll try to find a venue for her to get some mutual support. She uses her IPad and other notebook things so can communicate that way. I relaly appreciate the help you have given. What a lovely group of ladies!
So emjo, I bet you are in the Pacific Northwest as I am. It is so beautiful today!

again, thanks so much. Really appreciate all this help. Bonnie

correction...we have not had any snow and bulbs are all up and smiling. Guess you are not in our neck of the woods. Bonnie

Hi Bonnie - that is too bad about L. I can see you are worried about both your friends, and with good reason, It is good that L has a husband that will not leave her. I am not clear - is L's mother staying with her?There are a few caregivers on here who admit to using alcohol to cope. Doesn't sound like she is capable of doing much for her mum if she is in bed a lot. Alcohol is a depressant so if may be hard to see which is the horse and which is the cart with depression and alcohol. It must be hard for you to see her mum decline if she was a second mum to you. What a sad situation for S - all those health issues and no friends since they moved. Sounds like her husband is very disrespectful. It must be very discouraging for S and I can certainly see why it was upsetting for you. She does need support. As
a person gets older and with more health issues, social contact can decrease, and technology can be a great help.

No, not the pacific northwest. I wish! I am in Northern Alberta, Canada. There is a pile of snow about 10 ft high outside the front door piled by G shovelling the driveway. We will not be rid of snow till into April. We had record amounts of the white stuff this year. Agreed - there are lovely ladies here :) Blessings Joan

Bonnie - missed your last post - no bulbs up here. I miss the snowdrops from Ontario where I grew up.

Wanted to mention that I know how hard it is to see a good friend have one illness after another. I have a friend of over 40 years who is like this. Her arthritis is getting worse and worse. She had a mastectomy a few years ago, then later an emergency appendectomy. This year she has a second mastectomy. I feel like I am losing her in pieces. It is sad, though she has a very good attitude. She is widowed and has lost a son as well.

Joan, you really do understand! First off, for L, her mother came to live NEAR L and husband...a very nice AL...altho her mum never fit in. I do believe her mother has some kind of dementia or just doesn't care very much about where she is! Every time I'm back in the DC area, I go to visit her. she always knows who I am and we have a very nice visit. She is fine with going for a ride and having ice cream. True, seeing me is fun, I'm not her caregiver, she just enjoys the time. However, L has been telling me for the last few years (well, ever since her mum moved up the the Washington DC area) that L wishes she (mum) would just die. I'm not sure if that is highly unusual as I've seen other children just waiting for their parent to die. anyway, she isn't going to die any time soon (my bet is L will die before her mother at the rate L is going). The mum is now in a nursing home because she refuses to exercise, eat properly, get dressed so on and so forth. Whereas L did have POA, I learned from the AL that L's husband came and took L off and put himself on as the POA. I'm really glad about that as L was not up to handling any financial as well as physical and emotional issues. I don't know if L even knows she is no longer being responsible for her mum.. I think L's family (what there is left of it) has given up. Her only child, a daughter has very little to do with her usinig the excuse/truth that she is so busy with her own family (2 little ones) and now her MIL is widowed and demands a good amount of attention. L has this "thing" about what people "owe her" and I'm sure that turns off her daughter. For example, she counts every holiday as if it were "her" right to dictate where daughter and family are going to be...And the odd thing is, when d and kids do come (Xmas Eve) L had only appitizers and pizza delivered. She never seems to cook any more. She has a beautiful 5000 sq. ft house a housekeeper 1x week, her husband does the food shopping/fetching. L really doesn't do much. I've watched her go downhill so much that it does make me think that she is nearly at a place where she should not be left alone. Her memory is really going, too, so it is difficult to assess what her functionality really is. Joan, this gets a bit tougher to walk away from as we are really linked. You see, not only were we next door neighbors, but when my first husband was killed in Vietnam, the officer assigned to help me with all the paperwork and Arlington burial, so on and so forth, fell in love with L and they married within a year. so, I'm really like a sister in law to her husband, Glen. Yet, he won't confide in me as he sees talking about L as disloyal to her. And get this, L has a PhD in psychology....scary

I am so blesses with a healthy life and a healthy husband! Allbeit, that he is bossey and just what a retired General would be like.

Thanks for listening. Now, are you taking care of someone in your home or just neighbors?
And I do understand Joan, that some times it is necessary to distance oneself from distructive relationships. I think I learned that one more from old flames than my lady friends! But I know what you mean. I'll write back if you don't mind!
Bonnie

Hi Bonnie. I am 75 myself and my mother is 100. I am her POA, and go to person, but at a distance. She lives by choice in another city. Due to her mental illness, I have had to emotionally distance/detach myself recently, I have a couple of health issues, so need to look after myself. Stress causes flareups. I have enough to do with my sig other, a decent sized house, a demanding cat, and a couple of kids and inlaws. Sig other - Gary - likes me to go with him on business trips, so that takes time too.
Sounds like L is in bad shape and her husband is really the closest person, and therefore the one who needs to intervene. I understand Glen's feeling of disloyalty by talking about people. My G. is similar. I think it may be a mainly a male thing. Could you write out your concerns and send it to him? You do have a very strong connection with both of them. Alcoholism strikes anyone! A PHD is no protection, nor expertise in psychology.
I am glad you are blessed with a good life. I caan see you are a compassionate person who would like to help L, But, I believ she will have to hit bottom, Wishing her mum would die does not seem right, especially if mum is not in pain and has some functionality. It is good that Glen has POA etc. I think it is normal for people to wish their parent would die when they are struggling and in very poor health, but it is not usual in the situation you quote.

Please do write back. I can see you are concerned and need support, and there is lots if that here. ((((((Hugs)))))) Joan

Joan, how wonderful of you to be a voice and a comfort to me.
Ii feel so helpless while I still try to be on egg shells talking with Lynn as I worry she will just distance herself from any conflict. My heart breaks for her in no uncertain terms. She gave 100% to help me when I was in need of comfort when my husband was MIA and then KIA. She gave up so much to be with me. She just was the best friend any one could have. She means so much and I am in terrible grief wondering if she will be her old self, once again. I am really helpless here. All I can do is call her and hope she answers. as I was in such emotional distress over my husband's KIA

(((((((((Bonnie)))))) I could tell you were grieving. Probably the best you can do for Lynn is listen to her, and maintain contact. I remember a quote from Mother Teresa about listening to the drunkard. You might want to call the Alanon hotline, or go to a few Alanon meetings to get some advice and information there. I see what a wonderful friend she has been to you. And I also see how helpless you feel. Bonnie, I have been there too, with people closer than the friend from whom I eventually separated. My daughter is an alcoholic, and thankfully, some years ago asked me for help. Before that she had been very difficult and we were not close. I told her if she ever needed help I would be there for her. She did stop drinking at that time, I supported her in any way I could. She came to live with me for a while. Then her life seemed to goi well for some years. Something has happened in the past year or so, she got rid of the few friends she had, and she has recently cut contact with me, which isolates me from my grandkids. It is not easy, but I have to let go and let God, and detach from her. So I understand/share your pain and feelings of helplessness. I know you want desperately to help her. ((((((((hugs))))))) do come back and let us know how you are. Joan.

Things at work are quiet, boss is on vacation. Found out on Wednesday the girl who called in was not who I thought. The girl who did call in, her father had another stroke, her parents with with her and her husband, brother and sil. Anyway the boss constantly made snide remarks to her on Thursday for calling Wednesday. Boss had to work 10 hours Wednesday and was not happy because it was also her granddaughters 1st birthday. Finally the girl who call in, told the boss thursday, "You are making me feel guilty because my dad had a stroke!" Boss changed her tune after that. Well, gotta go to an appt. with the agent who sold my mother her LTC policy to have it explained in more detail. I am thinking we will need to hire a caregiver to help me out until we get things settled, Hugs to everyone!!

BonnieW,

Welcome to the thread. This neighbor, is a very nice lady. One of the reasons I help her, is the fact that her own daughter who lives in the same town, never comes around, especially when her mother is having a venous procedure as she had this last month, done to both legs and follow-up visits. So she asked me and her other friend who was visiting the day I stopped by to check in on her.

My presence, nor absence isn't going to impact her decision to have wine or not. Anyway, she does speak very negatively about some of her other friends who have been married and in relationships. The woman who was visiting her that day, lost her husband about a year ago. This man was quite ill, and yes his wife was his caregiver the last few years, and it was very taxing on her. But she seemed to do it willingly, and out of love. Many times my neighbor has made comments to me about that situation, speaking as if this friend was having an issue doing the caregiving for this man, because my neighbor didn't like him.
So, I did have to point out to her also, that this is what hopefully people in a marriage do for one another. Yes, it's work as we all know by now if one has ever had the charge of another person, no less someone who is ill, but let's not layer it with negative feelings.

I'm not going to totally let go of the friendship, but I am going to put some other rules in place, definitely. It's interesting, because she has complained to me over the last few years also, since she has rental apts. on her properties. Last two years, she went through some costly evictions. Again there, I assisted her. She finally was able to evict some non-paying tenants. She doesn't know how to manage her properties, and currently hinting she's having similar problems.
Well, basically I'm not going to be her sound board anymore. I'm willing to help people, but if I sense they are going to start to become impolite, taken me for granted, then the rules change. Besides, I think it's time for her own daughter to be called into start monitoring her own mother. Margeaux

I went to mother's on Saturday night. She was sleeping when I arrived. My sister was there for awhile, then left. Later, mom did somewhat wake up, and we were watching this variety show she likes to watch. This program has all of these contests on it. One of them was a dance competition, of women who were wearing numbers. I couldn't believe what we were watching. The dress code worn by them, was quite risque, and in very poor taste. Then, mother made me laugh as she said, "Oh my, why do those fat women wear that costume." She also didn't like all the bouncing and vulgar moves they were doing. We both were laughing, as it became more ridiculous. Anyway, on this note, I was able to have somewhat of an insight as to how mom is thinking. Her statements sounded logical to me. She recognized me. So overall, it was a good visit with mom.

Other things going on, were that the problematic daughter of my sister, was there in and out w/a couple of girlfriends. As some of you know, she's 23, moved there with my sister over 4 yrs. ago. She came in about 8:30 p.m. w/gf's. They went upstairs, and were being quite loud. I was hoping they'd leave and I wasn't going to have to go up there to tell her to turn the noise down. She's the confrontational type, and my sister didn't teach her to respect others, especially her elders.
Fortunately, she left at 9:45, but returned about 3:00, in the a.m. Her gf's stayed the night there too. It felt a bit as if I was at a hotel, I must say. Anyway, my sister let's her do what ever she wants, she's very spoiled.

All in all, it went o.k. I'm glad I was able spend time with mom.
She is still her frank self. My sister was telling me some more instances of the main caregiver not complying with her responsibilities.
Honestly, I don't know why my sister just doesn't let this one go. I think she's reached her expiration date. But sis, also told me that recently, mom asked my sister, "who is that lady,"? She was referring to the caregiver. So my sister did say something like, "well, now I know, if she doesn't come anymore, it possibly won't really impact mom." So, she isn't as indispensable as she might think.
We will see. Margeaux

Bonnie~Welcome to the thread!! I am sorry what you are going through with your friend and how it is not only causing your stress but grieving your friends former personality before the alcohol became a problem. I hope her husband can find her help, is he going to Al Anon meetings? Maybe you could suggest that for him.
Margeaux~I am glad your visit with your mom was good other than the distractions from your niece. I don't know what the situation is with your mom's meds. but if she is lucid during the time you were there, is it possible the some of her medications is causing her to sleep so much?...Just a thought. As far as your neighbor goes, setting boundaries is the right thing to do. It sounds like she resents others who have good relationships with their spouses, which tells me she sees the spouse as interfering in her getting more of yours and others attention.
Dabs~When we come dysfunctional families, we tend to fall back into the roles we had when we were children and the dynamics of the family we grew up in continues when we are with are siblings. I see this with my sister and me. Simply because she thinks I am the younger sister who does not know as much as she. I have learned to not let her do that to me. She has gotten better about it, but it still comes out in her from time to time. I don't know if this is what happens with you and your brother, but try to set boundaries with your brother and as the primary person on the DPOA, if you have to usurp your authority in mom's best interest, then do it. I know, easier said than done. Keep us posted on the upcoming appt.

The appt. with the agent for mom's LTC policy went well. The copy of the policy sis and I have is not updated so the life time benefit, daily amount it will pay for assisted living, etc is more that what the copy says it will pay. We found out that the policy will cover 100% of the cost of the senior living facility we are wanting to place mom in. However, it will only cover it for 4 years. That is the maximum life time of this policy once it is activated for a facility. It will also cover Adult Day Care which I am going to check into at this facility as possibly be a way to provide for mom's safety issues until everything is settled. I feel better after talking with the agent. He advised against home health care because of the cost plus mom would still have to pay the premium during that phase of care. He reassured us that we were doing everything we possibly can at point and it sounds to him like it is time to place mom and she is very possibly incapacitated at this point. He said the policy includes counseling with a case care manager who can advise us on how to make the move with mom even though she doesn't want to go.

After the appt., sis and I went to mom's to get all her files on everything, health, records on my dad, insurance, finances. She would not let us take them until we called Helen. She was afraid she end up in prison if we took these. Helen told her it was ok and necessary that we take these files to organize them so we can easier find something. Mom has all the records regarding going to court when my dad was certified incapacitated. She has medical records going back to 1992. It all needs to be gone through to determine what is necessary and what isn't. Hugs to everyone, hoping your day is good!!

My mother is 94 and still lives in her home, writes books, reads constantly...all in good shape except for a toe that bothers her terribly! She has a fantastic gal that comes 10 - about 4pm Monday - Friday. Andrea was a Godsent, and has grown to love my mother very much. She has extended Mom's life lease, for sure. In addition, Andrea's parents live three doors down from Mom! Her parents are very much like Andrea, too. Andrea was the manager for a local Child Care center before she came to work for Mom. She says taking care of one wonderful lady is a great deal better than a room full of little kids! I think finding a caring person who is really compatible with the person in need, is so important. I've seen family members try to do it all themselves but then, if the parent/patient has to give up their home, well, that doesn't work too well in many cases. I've seen where grandchildren (in need of a place to live for free) will move in ... but that rarely works as the grandchild really wants their own life! I really don't know what to suggest. Thankgoodness your niece is not relied upon to provide care for your mother! How often do you go over to visit with your mother? That was a cute story about the dancers! And so great you could laugh together! Has your family thought of doing a "family history interview" with her? There might be stories she hasn't shared or her family traditions when she was a child...those are great to keep the mind active and what a treasure for future generations! Even getting her to talk about favorite foods...anyway, I'm sure you have thought of that.

As for your neighbor...each time she asks you to help solve a problem, be sure to reply with "have you asked your daughter...what did she say.." It might be a way to get her to recognize her daughter is the next of kin! If you have a chance, maybe talk with the daughter yourself and see if she'd like you to call her when her mother needs her? Try to stay away from the negative remarks of your neighbor. Is she prone to gossip?

Thanks so much for you warm welcome! Bonnie

Sharyn...My drinking gal, Lynn, has a great husband but he will not discuss his wife's health at all! I never talk to him alone. Can't even get a work number for him! Lynn has told me several times that she is NOT going to stop drinking. It's just such a shame. When she turned 62 I told her to start collecting her Soc Sec. because she may not be around to collect the higher amount at 72!

Bonnie,

The description of your mother, sounds as if she is a very high functioning elderly woman. How great for your family that she has this caregiver, who really cares.

My mom is 91 yrs. old. She is in about stage 5 of ALZ. My sister and her daughters, and one of the daughter's boyfriends moved into mother's home about 4 years ago, when mother and mom's sister's health was in decline and could no longer live alone. My sister works a full time job, and because it was in charge of the care of two women. She had to hire help.

Since that time, the older daughter and boyfriend are now married with a baby, and moved out. The younger daughter, (one I wrote about), is 23 years old. She is problematic, in that she doesn't respect authority, and basically wasn't raised to be way more cooperative if she is to live with people. Ideally she should help out, as I think any young adult, over the age of 18 years should. She doesn't pay rent there,
gets the car she uses, free, as my sister foolishly pays for that. Besides, my mother many years ago, was a big help to my sister, who raised her family as a single parent. Mom, and even our aunt, were continually called upon while my sister's daughters were school age, to take, and pick them up from school. So in this scenario, I don't think it's much to expect this daughter to help out a bit.

This communication I had with mother during the visit was a rare event. She not longer initiates conversation, so a family history interview isn't an option any more.

My neighbor has some problems. She lives in a small house, and then has two small apartments on the same property right next door. She is a nice lady, just that I've noticed this pattern as of recent when she drinks. So a year and a half ago, she was having landlord/tenant problems. She ended up having to evict all her tenants, for non-payment of rent. I heard about this saga, from A-Z, throughout the whole time it was happening. After that, she got a management company to handle the rentals. But from her convoluted stories about it, I know this management company is taking advantage of her. I've grown tired of hearing this particular story, since IMO, she doesn't inform herself about landlord/tenant laws; some of recurring problems having to do with her lack of how important contractual agreements are between parties. Her daughter being on the title of said property, this is why I suggested to her the last time she thought she was going to start telling me about her current dilemma, I did say, it's possibly time to recruit your daughter and son-in-law into this. I'm unwilling too listen to this anymore.

But taking her to her doctor's, or these recent procedures, well the reason the other friend, and I were asked to do this, is because the daughter just won't do that. Anyway, there are some things I know about my neighbor as a friend, so that I think if I were to ask her whether her daughter was asked, etc., is like throwing salt on the wound. I've done this and other small things for her because I want to.
I'm going to use a more subtle approach, by putting some boundaries in place. I'm thankful that I live in a community where neighbors still interact w/one another too.
Margeaux

Joan and many others have said some very important things about alcohol but I will relate my experience -I was not aware my friend had a problem for a long time even though she could not go out to lunch or to church and at the last moment told me she was having tummy problems and complained about her husband of needing nursing care until he drove to my house one day -he must have read her emails or listened into conversations as he knew what she was saying and he was very clear that what she had said about him was not true. I did not know she even had a drinking problem until she was arrested and driven home by a cop and told me she had had one drink on an empty stomach-but when she related that she had to attend AA meetings and do community service I realized the problems was indeed major and a friend called me and told me about her -anyway she became so ill she could not go out and get her liquor and actually went through the DT's on her own but had liver damage and was in the hospital and then PT rehab and was suppose to go to an alcohol treatment center as an inpatient but refused because she would not be allowed to take her car there and within days of getting home she was drinking again. I tried tough love and said to get in touch with me when she started AA meetings and had a sponsor which she never did-we have limited association now- by email but I know I can not help her -she prefers alcohol to my friendship and I do feel bad for her but she could get lots of help in this area where we live and she does not want to do that-a friend of hers use to call me but has not for a while-I let her know my activities and have suggested she do some things outside of the home but she does not want to-I feel you can only help those who want help.

From the "answers" I've been reading, it sounds like my friend has alcoholism and maybe dementia as well. Do the two diseases feed one another? Someone else said they thought that might be the case.

crawling out of my skin today. I found someone to care for mom one night a week so my sister and I can have a break. She wont hear of it, got very upset, stormed out. I can't keep up the pace I am doing now for long. We started radiation and chemo today

"I can do something for twelve hours that
would appall me if I felt that I had to
keep it up for a lifetime"

Gypsea, then tell sis that if she doesn't want to hire someone to care for mom once a week at night, they sis will have to cover for you. And YOU take your break. I agree that in the long term, you DO need a break. Eventually, you will need to make it a full day off....Full day and night would do better.

I'm reaching the end of my stamina/strength. I've sent SOS text to all siblings of my health situation. Nothing from next door. For the past 3 days - dizziness ALL day now. Heart palpitations. Room spinning. I think I'm going to crash...and siblings don't care. There is no need to go to the doctor. I need a BREAK which includes a FULL night sleep. Doc can't order siblings to do watch. So, I go with the flow...

Gosh, I don't know you but it is clear whatever is going on is just toooooo much for you! Does your post mean your siblings could really "do" something to help you? If they are ignoring your requests, then , they may be just hiding from resposibility? Let me know if there is any relief for you. I care.
Bonnie

Sharynmarie,

I'm glad to hear that it went well with the insurance agent.
Is your sister cooperating with you?

Yes, the visit with mom was good. I had the opportunity to bring this up with my sister the next day, when she returned. I have to be careful as to how I approach this subject with sister, so as not to draw a lot of attention, that I'm questioning her capabilities, etc., w/mother's doctors. Mom used to have a doctor, GP who was over prescribing mom and even our aunt too many meds. Mom is no longer with this doctor. Now she has another one. I did ask my sister whether this doctor was a GP, and she really didn't even no the answer to that, if you can believe it! I still think mom is possibly overmedicated. But I was also reading, on some info., about stages of ALZ, and apparently they do sleep more as the disease progresses. In any case, I was thankful for this insight, the days I was there.

I wish you nothing but the best with regards to straightening out all of the documents that will serve you in the future. You're doing a wonderful job with the care of your mother, Sharynmarie! Love & Light! Margeaux

Emjo,

You really expressed my sentiments about friendships and drinking.
It's certainly important to remember that we still have the right to our boundaries.
I see my neighbor many times operating in a big fog. Her stories don't make sense either. It's interesting too, because she even will say stuff like, "she'd like to drive her car into the ocean." She's made these weird death wish comments I know after she's been hitting the bottle. I don't want to hear this kind of talk, I'm just not up for that.

What is it with people when they use children in the picture because they have an issue with you. I know this behavior. My sister did the very same thing with her daughters and me. On the one hand, she at first had me very involved w/her eldest daughter when she was a baby. She's my God daughter. She really being the first niece in the family, I felt bonded with her. But then one day my sister and me had a falling out, and she made it very clear, she didn't want my niece being close to me. That's when I realized what it would be like to have a relationship w/my nieces. I decided right then and there, that NO, I wasn't going to just be looked upon, nor used as my sister's babysitter. Truth be told, I don't have a very close relationship w/either of her girls. Plus my sister is very jealous, and would be if she ever thought especially my God daughter was close to me. So I chose not to play that game.
I realize, for you being their grandmother though, this must be very difficult for you. You're in my thoughts, Emjo! Much Love & Light! Margeaux

Dabs,

Whoah! Your brother isn't nice, is he!!
How terrible that he seems to intimidate your mother. Poor thing, that she fakes things for his sake.

Our brother who once had POA, was a lot like this. But he was totally irresponsible, so POA, was yanked. He too, wanted to run my mom's and her deceased's sister's assets like he was some kind of commando. He always had the rest of the siblings in the dark, and made some very questionable maneuvers with money.

Interesting also what this caregiver is willing to say, in order to keep her job!
Well, Dabs, you're in my thoughts, Take a deep breath before you go to this appointment with your brother. I hope all goes well with your mother's prognosis also. Much Love & Light! Margeaux

Bookworm,

I was reading your post about feeling dizzy all day. This does not sound good, especially if you say you don't sleep. Is there any way, that you can get some kind of help? Please pay attention to this. Take care of yourself, and you're in my thoughts! Much Love & Light! Margeaux

bah, internet ate my post last night? Anyway, BW my heart goes out to you. your post reminded me of all that I do have, and how much worse things could be. Most weeks I get to leave Friday night with my nephew and come back Sunday night, my sister stay here with mom. I can wish he were better behaved, or that I had more alone time but I am reminded that this is a family crisis and we are all doing what we can, and that things will change

BW, I hope things change for you soon, please take care

Margeaux~I questioned that too because my mom is approximately stage 5 and she does not sleep like you say your mother does. I am not trying to butt into your personal life with your sis, and I know every patient is different. Yes, they do sleep more as they progress. Your mom may be sleeping due to that. I am glad you got to spend time with her. Hugs to you Margeaux!!

My sis sent me an email saying the receptionist at the neurologist's office said the results of the blood work is normal and the MRI show some atrophy that is normal for her age, but not enough atrophy to determine dementia. Sis is freaking out, she said if it is not dementia, then what is going on with mom!! I say that too, but can an MRI actually determine Alzheimers?? I say she has Alzheimer's and only an autopsy can show that. Unless she has Schizophrenia that has gotten worse with age. Really what else could be going on here???

Thanks, Bonnie, Margeaux and Gypsea.
Sharyn - I don't think MRI's are the 100% fool-proof in determining dementia..unless the brain has shrank so much - that it's obviously a dementia. Your mom just recently started displaying the dementia rapidly. From what I understand, the MRI is like the mammogram. The first time you do a mammo at the clinic, they use that first one as a Baseline. Then every year you go in, they compare the recent with the baseline to determine if anything changed with your breast mass. I think the same is with the MRI for the brain. But waiting until next year just to see if your mom's brain is shrinking ..well, realistically, she's going downhill fast. Who knows what she will be next year. Maybe it's schizophrenia mixed with dementia. I guess if the neurologist won't diagnose her as dementia based on the MRI ONLY, then next test her for schiz. But, I remember when mom got diagnosed with dementia. The neurologist told us that the only sure way to diagnose a person with alzheimer is when they die and do an autopsy.

Oh, Sharyn, I was suppose to include this in my post. Not as detail but it may give you some ideas...
https://www.agingcare.com/articles/alzheimers-dementia-testing-149186.htm

Hi all - just checking in. We arrved In BC yesterday, but I am not good for much, as a sinus infection flared up so trying to get rid of that. We travel home tomorrow, It is so nice to see green grass. Rhododendrons and other shrubs and some trees are in bud. It will be glorious in a couple of weeks. No snow is great.
I want to say I love my daughter dearly, though she has never been an easy personality. I did get a brief email yesterday but nothing resolved. I just have to let go, let God and pray.
Book - please look after yourself better - whatever it is you have to do. If you took off, I think someone would step in,
bonnie - your mum is amazing. What an example!
sharyn - by any functionality tests your mum is declining. I am sure book is right about the MRI. Maybe you need an assessment by a geriatric specialist or a dementia specialist. If you have done this already forgive me, I am a bit foggy today,
Margeaux - glad you had a good weekend with you mum. You have a better picture of her now,
austin - good to see you here
gyspea - hope you have some better days

anyone I have missed, not intentional, just not up to much today. Hopefully I will be better tomorrow when we travel. I haven't used the hot tub here yet, and not sure that I should with this infection Dang!!! Can't take antibiotics as that would destroy all the work of the last couple of years in getting my gut balanced out again, Rest and OTC meds is the best. Prayers appreciated.
Love to all (((((((((((hugs))))))))))) Joan