The Caregiver & Dysfunctional Families: How are you doing?

((((upset)))) thinking of you today. You have made great arrangements for your bro. Hope it all goes well and peacefully today. I am glad you have some good family support. The farm sounds idyllic. Bro and the string bikini made me laugh!

Linda - I know you know the narc parent scene well. Hind sight!!!. Regrets, yes!

sharyn - wonder how your sis will manage when her needs increase. That lava fire is causing problems.

Oh stacey! - I am glad fil is happy to be home and you have all the support lined up. Do get some rest - you and dh, It is a very stressful time. Thanks for keeping us updated.

daughterlu - happy for you there has been some family healing

sojac - what a mess. Why is mum going along with bro re e.g. life insurance policies? Unfortunately, when mum decides to go along with bro there is not much anyone can do.

rainey - I hate to look down the road for you and your hub when mum needs more care. You can spend down and also set up a Miller Trust to get her qualified for medicaid. Not all facilities are h*ll holes. Re having children - I had an sil who chose not to have children. She was bipolar and there was other mental illness in the family. Eventually, she committed suicide.

margeaux - good to see you posting, How are things with you?

A few have asked how I am. Fine thanks, just overwhelmed at times when R is here. He can still work a 14 hour day and not show it. When he is working outside on fence or garden, (weeding is done, I have one new gate and another in progress, etc .) I have peace in the house, interrupted only by trips to hardware stores, meals, and supplying mugs of tea. When he is inside working on his computer, he needs my help , or wants my feedback frequently, as well as the meals and mugs of tea. I am used to having the house to myself, very peaceful, no interruptions, no company. So I get distracted and tired when he is here. There has to be a happy medium somewhere. Don't get me wrong. I love having him here; however, it is an adjustment. He has gone off for now. I am catching my breath, and we will figure out the next move when he has all his appointments lined up. We are still hoping to fit in that trip to the mountains.
Take care all - do something good for you today.

Hi Everybody,

"I'm BaaaaacccK."
Well, just been trying to catch up just a bit, reading what everyone has been going through the last few weeks.
There's a lot happening here.

Sorry that I went MIA again. It's just been a lot of upheaval over here!
First of all, I can't remember whether I'd told you that my biopsy came back as a BCC.
The derm informed me again about the MOH's. He also told me that it appeared because of the location of this BCC, (the upper lip/next to nose) area, he didn't feel comfortable to handle the extraction of it. Even if he were to do it, I'd still need to deal with a plastic surgeon. Then, my primary is supposed to send me to see an ENT,
apparently for the 2nd part of this procedure. I'm not rushing to do this, as I was starting to feel a bit pressured.
Too many outstanding questions for me. I've been reading also and was even in touch w/a couple of patients, who had considerable numbing of lips, 6 yrs., after the procedure. Sure they can extract these, but the patient has to also go in there full well knowing because if it's near the mouth, it can become rather tricky since it's so near to muscles used for chewing, etc. For now, I'm using some natural protocol, which I've researched, and had some counseling about it also. The method I'm using seems to be working. One has to be very persistent about it.

My husband has two brothers. The two of them have Leukemia, which has been managed for some years now.
Up to now, they've both lead active lives despite the Leukemia. Recently, the oldest brother was in Israel vacationing. The younger brother lives in Asia, and over a month ago he walked himself into a hospital because he wasn't feeling well. Younger brother was hospitalized with an infection in the lungs.

My husband's relationship w/the youngest brother is very, very contentious, even though they don't live in the same country. The older brother's relationship w/youngest isn't that great either. So last few weeks, my husband has been communicating a lot w/the eldest bro concerning their youngest brother's health issues. It's been rather difficult to get exact information, when either of them have called the hospital in Asia, especially because of the language issues.

So, of course this scenario brought up that their brother in Asia isn't covered by any medical insurance.
My husband did finally speak to the bro in Asia, (minimally) because he's rather weak right now, and was told no one would insure him, because he has the pre-existent condition, the Leukemia. He owns two different properties in Asia, also 2 others in two other countries. But apparently, not enough of a bank acct., so as to pay for all the medical treatments, which are over a mos., worth now. So my husband and older bro decided to send some $$ over there. The brother in Asia has a personal friend from that country, who paid w/his own credit card for part of the hospital bill we were told in full, totalling over 20,000 already. So the two brothers wanted to forward some of the money to this friend, but something needs to be done so that their other bro has something in place. YIKES!!

The oldest brother went to Asia, to see what he could do to help youngest set something up, because he's going to need some recuperation time, and can't take care of himself. Well when my husband called Asia, to see if his older brother had arrived and see what their brothers condition looked liked.......now the oldest brother had to be hospitalized. He caught an infection at the hospital. Well poor thing, his immune is compromised because of the Leukemia.
Yikes!! Well, I'm just being as supportive as I can be to my husband.
My new mantra......"One day at a time." That's my story for now, & is why I hadn't been here.

O.K., I hope everyone is doing as best as they can under challenging circs.!

Much Love & Light! Margeaux

I survived. The service was very brief. Picnic was good. Even more food arrived. I sent home leftovers with a bunch of people. My bros grandchildren we're all there; my nieces little girls looked cute and were very well behaved. Not a peep out of either of them. Nephews boys were a little wiggley. No problems other than SIL who announced loudly that she wasn't going to the picnic because she never liked any of John's family anyway. Nephew said he wasn't going to the farm because I stole it from him and his dad. One of farm neighbors took him aside. I have no idea what was said but he and his mother left together immediately.  My SIL who weighs about 300 lbs wore a tank top and stretch pedal pushers. Not an attractive look. It was out in the country but everyone else was dressed nicely. My niece drove my brother's car over since it is now a part of the estate. Jay drove her back to her grandparents house since her mother and brother left abruptly. I felt sorry for her - she was so upset when her little girls left. She told my brother and I that her mother and brother aren't treating her very well. She says they leave and run around all day and leave her to take care of her grandparents, cook, do laundry and clean house. Both of them need a lot of care. One has Alzheimer's and grandfather has pain and mobility issues. I think she's under a lot of stress.

All in all it went well other than SIL and my nephew. She certainly wasn't the grieving widow.

Just docking in as I need to on my computer to access the thread.

Much Love & Light! Margeaux

my mother was in memory care at a very nice A/L and memory care facility. She had a private room with private bath which container all her own furniture.  There are many really nice facilities. Yes, it can be expensive.

Upset, you could write a novel about these folks. Glad it went well.

Barb, You're right about the book. I forgot the real highlight of the picnic. A neighbor parked his car near where the tables were. Didn't think about it much. I noticed various people going over to the car including my aunt's who are 85, 91 and 95. He had trunk full of moonshine and giving out free samples. It was peach shine. I had forgotten about his "Hobby". At least no one got tipsy.

Ah, moonshine. I've got a "maybe gonna be" son in law who makes that. Good times!

I had a neighbor who as a teenager went south with his family to sample moonshine. He ended up blind and severely disabled.

Upset,
Glad to hear things went fairly well other than SIL and nephew. Why am I not surprised? Woulda given anything to hear what the neighbor said to get them to hightail it out! Bet it was good! Your family sounds very interesting, Peach Moonshine? I would have had to try a shot, just because I have never had moonshine. SIL showing up in a tank top?!?! Wow, now that is a class act! Was it at least black?
Hopefully you are done with them now.

upset - good thing sil and nephew got that message from your neighbour. I wonder what it was too! Peach moonshine from the trunk of a car sounds very "earthy". Your niece seems to be trying in very difficult circumstances. I hope she gets her life together.

I am sure you are glad it is over.

stacey - let us know how things are when you have a moment.

Rainey, I didn't have any. I've never tasted. I know a lot of home stills. This guys made it for years. I can't believe my aunt's tried a shot. Yep she wore a tank top - bright yellow. There were only a handful of women who wore pants. Most of the women had on cool summer dresses. My niece showed me her letter. It mainly said she should get her act together and not listen to her mother and brother. She has been a pain in the butt to me and done some things that definitely were not nice and wrong. I do think she learned her lesson. She had her final court hearing on an accusation made against by a student's parent. The state board of education said that they had been given information that she did not do the things she was accused of by the parent. They reinstated her teaching license and gave her a formal letter to attach to applications. Her case was very public. She is applying to schools near where her little girls live. I'm glad it's over with. We're going to stay for several more days. Since my brother is Executor he has to get a death certificate Monday and file paperwork at the courthouse. We've got to get an Executor's title for the car. Just the usual stuff. I'm enjoying the farm. It's nice and quiet. Hope your day hasn't been too stressful.

Golden, I don't know what he said. But I'm sure he knows all about how the farm was handled by my Dad and uncle to keep my Mom and brother out of it. Shine is fairly common in WV. These days most makers flavor with some kind of fruit. It's not the pure grain alcohol it used to be. I'm simply not an alcohol person - just don't like the taste. All in all I think things went well other than SIL and nephew. Hope you're getting a lot accomplished and get your trip to the mountains.

Upset, I am sure you are glad it is over. That is too bad about sil and nephew, however, there is hope for your niece and hopefully she will follow her fathers advice.

My sil's great aunt and uncle brought moonshine to the wedding/reception. It was handled similarly out of their car. We didn't know until after our daughter wedding was over. No, I would not have tried it even though I was drinking then.

Margeaux, sorry to hear about your bils health issues. I am sure it is taking its toll on you and your hubs. I hope your own issue bcc is resolved in a way you feel comfortable. How is your mom doing? Hope to hear more from you.

Golden, you have been kept busy with R. It sounds like lots was accomplished. I hope you can have the mountain trip.

Have a good evening everyone.

Yellow tank top!! Oh my!

R is the one working hard. I just admire and encourage, and feed him well, though I do work when it comes to the computers. My garage door opener is working properly now - hadn't been for several years.

I am not a drinker either, upset. If alcohol disappeared off the face of the earth it would be a few years before I noticed. The closest I have been to moonshine was some crabapple gin a friend made. They weren't really drinkers, either, but they had bushels of crabapples to do something with, and had made all the jelly they could cope with. We used to go over there to play bridge on Friday evenings and J served us crab apple gin, which was a lovely pink colour. I took one sip and started to choke. It was soooo sweet and my throat spasmed, which it does with really sweet things. That was the end of that.

I hope you have a peaceful few days before returning home and that you have some closure over bro John.

Margeaux -that is a very stressful situation with your 2 bils. Your hub must be quite worried. Then the bbc on your face, and considerations of treatment. ((((((hugs)))). I am sorry that you have ths to deal with.

thx sharyn - you had a moonshine experience too!

I am sure R and I will get to the mountains eventually. I actually found my old rubber boots and will take them along for the fishing.

Sojac60, if you don't mind my asking, what is stopping your Mom from changing her life insurance beneficiary to whom ever she chooses, or even multiple people for that matter? Especially since he is currently incarcerated, now might be the perfect time for her to do just that. I don't believe anyone can stop her from changing the assignment to whomever she wants, or how often she wants, as long as it is witnessed and notarized/ done by the book!

Perhaps she wants it this way, but he certainly should not have forced or coerced her to do something she didn't wish to do. Unless she has dementia or diminished capacity, then she might not be able to make changes?

It's terrible when people take advantage of their parents and their money. My husband's siblings have done that for years, and I'm finding it dificult to a ascertain if now that my FIL has just been diagnosed with a life ending Cancer, and is on Hospice in my home (only just the second day), if the concern my BIL is lamenting is honest, or only a ploy for financial gain. He is certainly doing everything he can to get on my husband's good side, not that my FIL would make changes to his Will or anything at this point.

I don't like feeling this way, not being able to trust in the most vulnerable time of someone's life, but in the 30 plus years I've known him, he has proven to be Not trustworthy, and now to the point that we don't even want him to stay in our home, as we're afraid he might actually steal from us, as he has in the past.

I don't Want to have to lock up my jewelry or valuables, my FIL's narcotic medications (for his cancer), or my husband's valuable coin collection. I just don't want people like that entering my home, people who we cannot trust, but it is his Father too, and now that his is going to live out his days on Hospice in our home, and we don't how long it might be, I guess we are going to have to figure out a way to do just that, as he is pushing hard to come from another state to see his Dad before he dies (he has only seen his Dad twice in 13 years), another thing that makes me distrustful, I mean Really, you couldn't have found a day or 2 in 13 years to pay your old Man a visit? The medications are no problem to lock away, and we have already since we have small Grandchildren, but now we are going to have to put secure locks on our Walk in closet and our bedroom doors, just to keep things safe, it such an icky feeling!

I'm sorry you are having struggles with your shady brother! Seems to be going around!

Sharyn, I hope she does. I think she's trying very hard to get her act together. She's made a lot of mistakes, but fortunately she got her teaching license back, do she can get back to work. Her little girls are so sweet. It was sad to see them leave.

Stacey,
You will do fine if you keep your head about you.

Stacy, I know the feeling. It's horrible to have people in your house you can't trust. That's how I felt yesterday with a few people who went in and out. I locked the staircase door so no one could go upstairs. Plus two close friends stayed downstairs and kept an eye on things for me. 

Woke up this morning to steady rain. Guys have been here to pick up tables and chairs to take back to the church. We still have some minor cleanup to finish. I made breakfast earlier. Cooking on my grandma's wood cook stove was an adventure. I remembered most of what you have to do. I made biscuits and using that oven was a real trick to accomplish. I can recall Grandma made it look so easy. There is a propane gas stove in the summer kitchen, but I didn't think to have propane tank filled.

I'm meeting some friends for lunch. Catch up on everything they are planning for our 50th reunion.

Everyone have a good day.

Upset, I hope you enjoy the time with your friends. Are you going to go to the reunion? That would be good for you if you can.

One bad thing about living in Idaho, their sentiment toward Californians is not always welcoming.

Sharyn, I went to two different high schools so I have two reunions. Planning on going to both.

I've heard the people in Idaho aren't very welcoming. Know several people in Maine who moved there and then moved back to Maine.

I just hope it doesn't prevent me getting a job here. I am just going to say we grew up here but hubs was transferred out of state and we moved back now that he retired.

Stacey,
I knew moving your FIL back to your house was going to be a problem with your bad BIL. That is why even though you are doing a noble thing, you will have to deal with him now too. I am sorry you will have a double whammy on your hands now. Taking care of FIL and protecting your home and his prescrip drugs & money from BIL. *Sighs* You are a better woman than I. 👼
Upset,
It rained here yesterday too! That is just odd in August to have that happening here. I could just picture the old farm with the antique wood stove, I LOVE nostalgia, I bet it was a challenge cooking with it though! I always wanted to live in a victorian home and keep it as original as possible with a just a few modern updates of course! Long dream of mine. I guess I just long for simpler times in many ways (as I sit here with my ipad) LOL!!!!
Hope the rest of your time at the farm house is nice, quiet and relaxing after all the family has come and gone. I still can't get over the yellow tank top! Talk about bad breeding and lack of any type of manners. Jeeez.

Sharyn, I think that many communities do not like the Californians or Texans. It is like that here but it comes from the overwhelming media reports about LA, San Fran, and those places. In addition they sell their homes in those areas for megabucks then are able to move to nicer neighborhoods than where they came from. Sometimes there is a culture shock for the Californians that move to nicer neighborhoods, they just do not know how to behave, cause uproar that people living there are just not accustomed to.

Happened in a nicer neighborhood that I once lived in. People that came from California moved two houses down from us. Their oldest son was a juvenile delinquent, all of the sudden cops were in this very quiet neighborhood all of the time.😟

Glad, I am sure the media has a lot to do with it as people Base all of California on the lifestyle of what they see re SoCal and San Francisco. Here is it similar as Idaho is a strong "red" state and they see all Californians as flaming liberals with big ideas and wanting to change Idaho into another California.

In the city we came from, during the 80's, we had a huge growth from the Bay Area coming in and buying homes. They wanted out of the Bay Area because of drugs, gangs etc. people tried to stop the growth because they resented them being able to buy homes in our city when our own people couldn't afford to buy. The problem is our city will not bring in businesses that can offer decent wages. Everything is retail and very little industrial development. So everyone commutes to the Bay Area to work. We were/ are considered a bedroom community. The climate is better toward Californians here  in the southwestern part of Idaho than in the north.

It actually is kind of funny because in reality, there are very few native Idaho residents because people left to find better jobs in California and elsewhere. 

Well, it is the old adage, now I am here pull up the draw gate! A lot of that here as well.

Now what do I do? Three years ago a man, about my age, friended me on facebook. He went to my university. OK. I messaged "Do I know you from St A's?" Note I am his only facebook friend. No answer, so I forgot about him.

The other day I got a post on my timeline from this man. "Were you the girl next to me in Chemistry class?" I came on facebook just to contact you. My email is ..."

I mentioned it to R and said I was curious. He gave me the OK so we have exchanged an email. He is retired and lives in France. We were both at university about the same time and that was around 60 years ago. He also said the girl was not Canadian though her first name is the same as mine. He must have searched for J--- at St A's University. He signed "warmest regards" which leads me to believe he would like to keep up the correspondence. Today on facebook I posted a pic of R fishing.

I thought this kind of thing would stop by my age, but it hasn't.

I am still curious!

Sharyn, In the case of Mainers who moved to Idaho, the Mainers were in reality probably far more liberal and if conservative, probably along the line of Susan Collins who many don't consider conservative.

Golden, You must have made a lasting impression on the guy. I have male friends on FB that seem to remember me, but I'm somewhat clueless and don't remember them totally.

Rainey, The stove is a challenge, but kind of fun. I baked bread this afternoon and didn't have too much trouble. The farmhouse is a typical 2-story T. Got indoor plumbing about 1982. Still have an old washtub and washboard on the side porch. I like it here, but doubt I would ever live here. Too isolated. Although my cousin's wife lives alone a mile down the road. 

Hope everyone is having a peaceful day.

SharynMMarie, Not sure this will help,but people from Idaho have always disliked people from California . I am talking from at least the early 70's lol. So I wouldnt take it personally I think it is just tradition.

upset - Peaceful day here, Love old wood stoves. We had one at my grandfather's camp in Northern Ontario. Making coffee was an art. You put water and grounds into an old blue enamel pot and brought it right to the boil so it foamed, put it aside and did this 3 times, then let the grounds settle. Awesome on a chilly morning. My grandmother had planted a small garden there and all that was left in the latter days was rhubarb. I had gone there with some other young people and was challenged by one lad to make a rhubarb pie. There always were basic supplies in a tin "barrel" under the inside kitchen floor, accessible by a trap door. The outside kitchen was screened in and was where the wood stove sat. I laughingly said, "Make me a rolling pin and I will do it." Said lad disappeared for quite a while and came back with a carved wooden rolling pin. So we fired up the stove and I made pastry from memory, filled the pie with fragrant rhubarb, and carefully baked it. Actually it was one of the best pies I ever made.

Baking bread sounds like a nice grounding thing to do.

sharyn -hope that the unfriendliness doesn't get in your way for a job.

stacey - you are battening down the hatches in prep for bil to come. I am sorry that it has to come to this, but think you are wise. Hope fil stays in a good mood. I know you know what you are doing, ((((((hugs)))))

Looks like the mountains are on for next weekend as long as the weather holds, Monday and Tuesday have a risk for thundershowers so this week wouldn't have been good anyway.

Still missing my son. Probably was too busy to process it all. Grief waits till you have time.