The Caregiver & Dysfunctional Families: How are you doing?

Thanks everyone, I'm not taking it personal and really, I have only had 1 person ( our insurance agent) who asked if we were having any problems in that area. It just sent up red flags, whether he has a problem, it's his problem as I am not politically involved and I keep my beliefs on that subject to myself. I do not consider myself a liberal, yet, I am not an ultra conservative. Our neighbors are great!! Across the street they are from Michigan, and most people I have met, are from California but have been here longer. If need be, I can get a job in Boise where I will probably find less unfriendliness, if it appears to be a problem. I just need to be aware of how I ask questions so it does sound like I am complaining about their ways. I am the new comer and have to adjust to the local culture as a result.

Golden, I have a friend back home who lost her son 2 years ago to suicide. It is a very hard thing no matter the cause of their death. She does well most of the time, however, there are days she is very weepy and grieving. I'm not sure it ever goes away completely. ((((((Hugs))))))

Golden, I have no first hand knowledge of that kind of huge loss. But I do know what PJ has gone thru with the loss of his two children. There are days on end when he can talk and laugh about his son and daughter. But on the very next day the mention of their names will send him out of the room and outside. He will withdraw as much as he can from everyone. His son died almost 9 yrs ago and his daughter 7 years. I don't think it gets any easier for him.

Thx sharyn and upset. No. it does not get easier. R has been told his youngest son C will not live to 40. He is about 30 now. He had a brain injury and is in constant pain with headaches.and on heavy drugs which will likely eventually take him. C has already had emergency surgery for a perforated bowel - drug related. It happened very quickly. He has full mental capacity, and carries on the best he can, but some days has to stay in bed with curtains drawn etc. I think it was easier that my son went quickly and never really suffered. C suffers 24/7. though none of this is easy for anyone. I am so sorry for PJ who has lost 2 children.

Sharyn, I don't know much about Idaho other one visit several years ago. Maine has had an influx of people from other states. They visit along the coast and think it's quaint and outdoorsy. They meet people who are friendly in bars and restaurants, etc. A lot of the people they meet aren't from Maine, but rather seasonal employees from out of state for the summer season. Then they decide to move, find property along the coast is very expensive so they buy inland and discover the other Maine. Low income and some resentment to outsiders. It's not that they are unfriendly, but unsettled when people from "Away" try to change their small towns. I moved from out of state twice - NC and OH. Their have been moments when I've thought it was a problem, but it was just moments. My son and his wife started out after college in WV then thru her job transfers to Maryland, Virginia, Nebraska, Florida and now four years in CA. They say one thing they've discovered everywhere is that people are basically the same, they work hard, love their kids, and generally have similar goals in life. After being in a very conservative area of FL they thought CA would be over the top liberal only to discover Kern County is one of most Republican counties in CA; nothing like what they imagined, but they love it there. People are people. You'll have great success at finding a job.

You are right upset! Kern county, Bakersfield while considered the beginning of SoCal, is more like the Central Valley where we lived. Very conservative in the Central Valley, large agricultural areas all down the valley. The people who came from the Bay Area only wanted to live in a family oriented area to raise their children. Yes, some of these kids were misfit kids and the idea that these kids were left alone after school until their parents came home from their bay area jobs was true.... I was an original latch key kid in the 60's and 70's. Progress will come no matter who blazes the trail first, people all want the same thing, to raise their children in good environments, work hard, live and enjoy life.

I was born in the Bay Area, still here. Funny I have only met a small handful of people in my life that were actually "from here." Yes it is quite liberal here, no doubt, but not all of us can be put into the same cookie jar. 😉

Right Rainey!!🎼 this land is your land, this land is my land. From California to the New York Island, from the redwood forest, to the Gulf Stream waters, this land was made for you and me!! Lol!! A little Americana🎼🎼!

I had a nice phone conversation with my son last night. He is coming out for a visit after the first of the year. I can't to see him!!

Sharon, That will be a great visit for you and your husband. I would love for my son to come visit. But it's a long haul from CA to ME - especially for someone who refuses to fly.

My brother got a call from my niece crying last night about midnight. Her mother and brother had yelled at her about staying for the picnic and for helping us. Her mother told her to get her stuff together and get out and never come back. My brother drove to where she was about 50 miles away and brought her back here. He said he couldn't leave her sitting there. She has a teaching interview in Cleveland on Wednesday. Her Dad had been letting her use his car, but we have it because it has to be retitled for the estate.  My brother left $1.00 to each of his kids and wife as required by WV law in his will. I think that says something about how he felt.  He left everything else to my brother and I. More fallout from dysfunction junction. Jay thinks he should put the car in his name in Ohio, get insurance and let our niece use the car so that she can get back to work. If she gets the job in Cleveland, he will help her get a small apt. I don't think he should, but he says he doesn't feel he can turn his back. He sincerely believes that SIL and nephew were responsible for a lot of chaos with Mom, badbro and his family. I'm not sure, but I'm not taking any chances joining that circus again. I'm packing up stuff here at my grandparents house to get it empty. I called and reserved a small truck - there's not that much stuff. I'm hoping to get everything packed and leave on Wednesday or Thursday. My cousin Rose is going to help me drive and I've got her a ticket to fly back in a week. She's never been north and says she would like a short vacation. I'm going to sell the farm. Rose told me to talk to the man who owns the adjoining property - he wants the land. I'm going to talk to him this afternoon. I don't want to be sucked into the circus again. I don't want the drama. If Idon't protect myself, no one else will. I talked to PJ about it and he agrees I should stay out of the ongoing drama. So that's the beginning of another stress filled drama at dysfunction junction. I'm headed into the UHaul Moving center to get boxes, tape, etc and start packing up.

rainey - hope you have a peaceful day

sharyn - so glad your son will visit!

((((((upset)))))) so true - if you don't protect yourself no one else will. I think you are wise to keep out of the famdram. I do sympathise with Jay wanting to help your niece, especially as she seems to be trying and her mother and bro are such bad news. You don't have to be involved. Hope you sell the farm easily. I imagine you have some mixed feelings about that. It has been a refuge for you. Glad your cousin is helping you drive. More stuff to deal with!!!! Never ending!

Trying to figure out how to keep the potted tomatoes from drying out while we are away. It is a long shot to expect anything from them anyway, but R likes to try these things. He put plastic bottles in the soil with tiny holes and the water ran through too fast. Smaller holes would help or less of them. I will mulch around the plants which will also help and am thinking of "tenting" them with clear plastic bags which will cut down on evaporation. A wicking system would be good, but not sure what to use for the wick. Any ideas???

Golden, Braided cheesecloth maybe. No experience with such - just a wild idea. Oil lamp wicking?

I keep remembering when my niece and her husband tried to steal my mom's jewelry. Also when they stole my laptop and a couple of other things. I don't think she was completely without some guilt in those incidents. I loaded up my jewelry and some other stuff and took down to Rose's for safekeeping. I was very upfront with my niece. I told her I hoped that she was changing and that things were changing, but that I was very uncomfortable having her in the house. She said she understood and would stay out of the way. I don't like feeling this way, but it's difficult for me to simply forget all she has done. Those people took years of my life and made things very difficult for me for a long time.

Golden,
There are those temporary or odd place irrigation set ups using water you add in bucket and it has a timer. Let me see if I can find what I am trying to describe.
Upset,
My God, it just never ends with them! I find it quite telling your badbro only left them a dollar, that is the ultimate statement, kinda like leaving your waiter or waitress a buck. Acknowledgement that you weren't being absent minded, it is what you felt they deserved for ................bad treatment of some kind? Who knows but that is a huge message. You are smart to stay out of it, Jay may feel some familial obligation but you need to stay away permanently and not get sucked in by tears. So your gonna sell the farmhouse? Guess one less thing for you to worry about and properties need upkeep so I can see why.
Sharyn,
LOL!!!! Yes, can't we just get along everyone and save our judgements for a case by case basis instead of labeling everyone in a state as being a particular way? You remember the .com years, jeez, all kinds of people came flooding in with their "new money" and self entitled attitudes from all over! I remember it well. Silicon Valley swarm. The cost of living here is ridiculous, that cannot be denied. Happy to hear your son is coming for a visit soon!!!! 😊
Going to look for watering solution for Golden!

Golden,

How are you? I'm glad to hear that you and R are getting so many things done.
I understand that feeling of needing one's down/alone time from our mates.
Sometimes I'm just looking forward to my husband going to a class he attends on
Wednesdays, because I can just become a couch potato and not deal w/his
energy for a few hours. It recharges the battery over here for sure.

The grief does hit us when we have the time. I'm sorry that you were feeling it, but understand that it happens.

Yes, the current situation w/my two BIL's has been emotionally draining!
We're coping the best we can with it. Add to the mix.....the three brothers have
plenty of drama between them. Dysfunction at it's best. My husband is only a year older than
the youngest one. There's 5 yrs. between these two and the eldest. So my husband's relationship
to his younger brother is one of a lot of competition, since they were children. This brother is a piece of
work, too! He thinks of himself as a James Bond type. Then, my husband isn't too good in the compassion
area. He does care for his brother and all of that. But the other side, is my husband gets hyper critical about
him, and it's hard for me to have input when things are like this. For instance, two weeks ago when things seemed a bit out of hand, id did reach that moment. Maybe my husband should go there to find out what was happening. This would mean my husband would have to take on the task of trying to get bro's financial stuff in order, like sale of property. Since hubby was already being critical, instead of trying to put that stuff aside at this time, I just kept my mouth shut about he going over there to sort things out. I couldn't imagine their older brother going to Asia, since he's dealing with his own health issues. But in the end, eldest bro went.
Oh....he got released from the hospital since I last posted. So now he's the one taking care of business.
Thanks for asking Golden.

You had asked for any ideas about a wick for those tomatoes. Do you think a straw might help?
IDK, I've grown tomatoes before. Now I'm just not sure how water could get coaxed through a straw,
on its own. HAAH! Maybe thats a crazy idea.

Good luck with those tomatoes,
Much Love & Light! Margeaux

Golden, maybe one of those soaker hoses looped over the tops of the tomato pots might do it with the water turned on very low.
I used to put my indoor plants in plastic bags when we went on vacation for 2 weeks and that kept them nice and moist. Trouble is yours might burn up if the sun gets very hot.
If they have not fruited before first frost try bringing them in and set in a sunny window. I do that with my geraniums. keep them in the unheated basement by the french doors and they bloom all winter. Hardly need watering at all.

Upset Sister I think you are right to keep your distance from your niece. Leopards never change their spots!

Hi all, we are plugging along! My FIL is being extremely appreciative, and is not too demanding. I am finding that if I get myself and him on a regular schedule, it all flows much better, so I have written out a schedule of things to do in the AM's, and following along, and it's much like having a newborn baby. I take care of his personal needs, wipe/rinse out his mouth first off, give him something to drink, put in his teeth, breakfast and meds, then he sleeps for a while. Then I get myself dressed, and do some charting, get ready for lunch, although he isn't eating or drinking all that much. I'm trying to adjust to making/serving him only toddler size portions, and that's all he can manage. Then he's off to sleep again.

Eldest Son, DIL and the Grandies were here to visit for 1 1/2 hours yesterday, too long, it wore him out, and me too, as I was giving the adults time to visit, but the kids wanted to play me, and I was tired! I gave them the Ipad/tablets to plug into, which is So not like me, but I didn't have any energy left, having not been sleeping well at all the prior 2 nights. I did sleep so much better last night though. I had been anxious in the night, listening to him breathe, then there's that thick, gooey, icky coughing every minute or so, wondering and worrying if it will be his last breath! Now I know to take a half dose of sleeping aid, so that I too can sleep.

So routine routine routine, and that is what is going to get us through this. He is very weak, is unable to even stand with assistance, so we are definitely going to need to figure out an alternate way to assist him in toileting, as just the stand, pivot, sit down on the bedside commode, post clean up, and getting him back into the bed is breaking our backs, as he is 140#'s (down 20#'so in 3 months) of spaghetti in our hands, and has zero strength whatsoever to assist us, he just drops straight to the floor and we are really fearful of hurting him in the process. We are now thinking that the adult disposable briefs are the way to go, and take the commode out of the equation altogether, otherwise all 3 of us will be crippled!

He does have a urinary catheter thank God! My husband insisted on it day one, or we would have been in a heck of a mess here! My FIL had prostate cancer in his 70's with surgery, and did great, but in the months leading up to to this recent hospitalization, hubby noticed that he was going to the bathroom very frequently (12-15 X a day!), even (and No UTI was diagnosed), so not sure why, but I'm guessing it could have to do with all the coughing or the cancer, so the catheter was a must!

Bad brother (BB) is being put off until he can personally finance his own trip up to see his Dad. Hubby's sister said that the BB asked her for 500 dollars for gas money. He drives an old gas guzzler type car, and 500 wouldn't get him here and back from Az, let alone food and lodging funds, so not sure what he was thinking, except to put the rest of his trip expenses in our lap. Ummmm No! There is a history of him doing these sorts of things!

I mean, are we responsible to get him up here to see his Dad before he dies, IDK?

My husband spoke with his sister yesterday, for the first time in 5 or 6 months, as he had asked his brother (who speaks "conspires more likely" with her regularly) to forward information about their Dad and this recent turn of events, but of course he didn't. She was drunk and not making much sense, but at least she did ask about him and sent her love, but no mention of her wishing to come to visit him, which is fine by me!

The very last thing I want is for the last days of his life, is to be those 2 causing troubles and distractions, or any of it being about THEM! The 2 of them have caused enough problems in his life (and ours!)!

And if they think they are going to charge in and raise Cain about potential future inheritance monies or jewelry or whatnot now, before he dies, I just will not allow it! Or if they try "stepping up" Now, wanting to "help" with the caregiving, ummmm No, because FIL would be extremely uncomfortable with that and neither of them can be trusted! It's such a bunch of BS to deal with!

I doubt we'll ever see the 1/2 sister, but the BB I'm sure will come at some point, but it's going to be weird all the way around, it always has been. Still I know that we cannot keep him from seeing him, attempting to make peace in his relationship with his Dad, and saying his goodbyes.

Alrighty, back to the sick Bay! I am really trying to keep calm and my spirits high! Hubby is still struggling with the sibling stuff, resentment, frustration and probably some blame in there too! But we have all our kids stopping by, and offering assistance, and my sisters too. We'll get through this, that is my Mantra!

I took some time and really went through the Hospice Handbook info with FIL, explained it was all about his comfort and quality of life from this point forward, no dietary restrictions, he can eat anything he likes, and we spoke about pain and anxiety stuff, and that we have loads of ammo to combat any discomfort he might have, and not to worry about being wimpy, sleepy, or not being forthright about his worries, and that we will manage these things as they come up. He was glad to know, and said that he trusted me, and won't hold back his discomfort and need for medication, as he has always done in the past, having to be "PERFECT" all the time. One funny thing he said was to "help myself", as he doesn't want me to be in any pain either! I told him I've got my own ammunition for my pain, and not to worry, Lol!

Another thing, because he is a Proud Navy Veteran, I am trying to come up with a way to acknowledge him in some way, a Armed Forces/Navy Representative to come visit him  with a Letter or Accommodation/recognition  or Medal or something. I do know that he is missing one particular medal he should have received regarding the Korean Conflict, as they were out of them at the time, so I'm hoping I can figure out which one, and have that delivered to him by someone from the VA. But does anyone else have any good idea's on what I can do to give him something like this, or something simular?

I do know that the AL place did an acknowledgement of his participation on the "Wall of Veterans" over there, and they are going to give me that framed piece to hang up here in his room.

Or any other suggestions on keeping his mind occupied, as for some reason, Mr TV has gone off watching TV altogether. I think he's just so tired all the time, and is unable to follow the plot, and the news is so depressing! It's early days and still lots to figure out!

OK, thank you all for being so kind and thoughtful! Off to do a little meal prep for today! Love Ya! Stace ❤

Another Beautiful day in the PNW! We've had such a great Summer! Can't wait to see the Solar Eclipse on the 21st! Enjoy your Sunday everyone!

Margeaux, happy to hear the nil is out and his brother is there to help. I hope this takes worry off your hubs shoulders.

Golden, tenting may cause the plants to get moisture on their leaves which tomatoes are prone to powdery mildew. I would avoid doing that. Throughly watering and using a cotton wick should do the trick. Cut the ends off a shoe lace and soak in water throughly wet it first.

Golden,
They use the term "wicking" for temporary watering set ups. I had seen a whole portable system in a catalog I got at one point, had a timer and several lines for multiple plants and a main bucket reservoir system. Can't find that one for the life of me now, but that was one idea. I saw another where they used liter bottles filled with water and spike nozzles on the ends that slowly let the water out as needed. Hope that helps!

Sharynmarie,

Wow!! So you are making adjustments to the move.
That's such a stereotypical way of thinking when people don't like people from wherever,
rather than base it on lets get to know this person. Californians, o.k. maybe not all are good people.
There are good and undesirables undoubtedly in every state of the Union. HAAH!! Interesting fact too......many people in California are not California natives. So how does every one like them apples!

Anyway, I don't think Californians, nor anyone from any state should be painted with the same wide brush.

Thank you Sharynmarie for your input about my BIL's. We are managing, what can I say!
My mother is doing well. But she did have a rough time two weeks ago. My sister said it had to do again with her bowels. My sister gives her some fiber product to help her go. But this time it sounds as if she and the CG, didn't communicate what had been given, then it was over kill. Poor thing!

How are your grandsons? I'll bet they're enjoying grandma.

Much Love & Light! Margeaux

Margeaux,
So true. I actually begin to feel more and more like an outsider in my area of birth all the time! It is a far cry from how it was when I was younger. Everything changes, out with the old, in with the new, that's just how things work. I agree the media certainly does a job showing all the nutcases here and not the quiet, nice, normal folks who lay low and just try to live their lives in peace. I feel so old when I hear myself mourning for the "way things were" back in the day. Stores, restaurants, etc that made it unique and special, dissapearing one by one and it becoming something unrecognizable from it's former self. *Sighs*

upset - I think a trip to the craft section of W-mart might get me something. I do believe that your niece was involved, She is the one who had drug charges? I am glad you spoke to her and put your valuables in a safe place.

rainey - I went online and saw the timer set up. Not worth it for three somewhat spindly, but very cheap tomato plants! R put plastic bottles in the pots but they are releasing water too fast.Things do change don't they? I went back to my home town some years ago and hardly recognized anything.

margeaux - I am still tired but getting better. Bring alone for a while helps.Glad your bil is out of hospital. Sibling relationships are complicated. Better, as you did, let hub figure it out. Good that your mum is OK. Re the tomatoes - a straw would work fine if they could suck!!! ;) lol

veronica -yes they might burn though it does not get that hot here - mainly in the 70s these days. I have thought of bringing them in later on. I have a nice sunny window in the breakfast area. The first frost comes here the end of August.

stacey - looks like you have everything lined up and in order, I am so glad fil is appreciative and also that BB will not come till he can finance himself. You don't need any sibling interference. I don't think you are responsible for getting him to your place. Your hub is dealing with a lot right now. I know he appreciates you too. Be sure to take some time for you! Routine is good!

sharyn - thanks for the tip about powdery mildew. I read about shoe laces and they are so easily available. Those and a couple of large buckets of water may do the trick or asking dd to come over every 2nd day and water them. I could promise her some of the crop.

glad, ali, trying, guest, heart, madge and all - thinking of you and hoping things are decent with you.

Think I need a nap today after a nice soak in the air jet tub.

When you're from WV It's hard to get past the dumb hillbilly stereotypes.  I wish they would do away with that red state blue state thing. I'm somewhat ambivalent about politics. I don't like the fighting - reminds me of my bad marriage. 

I pointed out to my brother that our niece was the one who used to visit, ask for money and then yell at Mom and call her old and stupid. Mom was not particularly nice, but she didn't deserve that treatment at her age. Yes she and her mother had drug charges. Nieces were dropped for some reason - her mother's weren't. I think my brother will regret getting involved. I told him to do what he felt was necessary but not to bring it to my doorstep or try to involve me. He needs to execute my brother's will as it is. I called the funeral home. I'm going to pick up a death certificate in the morning and file for my half of the life insurance. The issuing agent said I could stop by his office tomorrow to do the paperwork. Same with my brother's bank IRA and 401k. In WV they don't have to probate accounts. I do think my SIL because of federal law will get part of his 401k.

Stacy, Is there a nearby VFW chapter? They were very good when my dad was ill. They visited him as long as he was interested in visitor's.  Also after Dad passed away, they called the monument company and made sure that my dad's Navy service and dad's service dates were on the back of the monument. It was a free service. I think VA pays. VFW could probably help with the medal too. They have books on that sort of thing.

I stay away from politics, religious discussions as people get too heated up.

Margeaux the boys are great!! They love coming to papa-Grammys house. That is what they call it, lol!! I am happy to ear your mom is doing well.


Keep your distance upset re niece. She could be wishy washy.

Sharyn, I did everything I could to make my brother's funeral as nice as possible. But my memory of all the garbage that he and his family did is all too fresh in my memory and my niece was just as a big a part of it as her mom, dad and her brother. I'm not going back down the road to dysfunction junction. I won't be used and abused again by any of them. Her little girls are sweet and I know she wants to be around them. I also know they have loving, intelligent and very good grandparents taking care of them. I think it says something when the grandparents restrict their own son's time with them just as they restrict my niece's.

I sold the farm to the man who owns an adjoining farm. My dad and uncle had known him since childhood and always liked him. His son farms with him and he wants to update the farmhouse for he and his wife. So while I feel a little sad, I know it's going to people who will farm. I'm going back to packing. My brother took my niece to visit a cousin so I don't have them in the way. The people buying said to leave anything I didn't want and they would use or give to charity. Makes things easier for me. My brother and niece are thankfully leaving for Cleveland tomorrow. Thank heavens they won't be in the way.

I don't blame you for keeping a distance, I know I would too. I think you did great re the service for your brother. Selling the farm to someone so close is awesome. You have done great by your mom and brother regardless of their treatment. You don't owe the rest anything more.

Rainey, How are things with your Mom and bro?

Upset and Rainey, good grief, the two of you have plenty to deal with now. I had my turn, and it has largely wound down over the past two years. Course, if you count asking ts2 for information on mom's health with no response it continued until the fall mom had three weeks before she passed. At least I was informed of how badly mom was doing. And very happy I was closer to home.

Upset, I would be very careful about niece. She could be getting herself and mom and others setup. UGH! When do they stop?! They won't. Just be very careful.

Never trust a dys family member. I was sitting out on the porch thinking about my niece. Something had been nagging in the back of my mind but I had no clue what. Bugs started getting bad so I went in. I happened to look at the kitchen table where I had left some things I wanted keep, but that needed to be carefully packed. I needed bubble wrap and was going to pick up tomorrow. I suddenly realized two things were missing from the table. An anniversary clock and a very unusual kitchen wall art piece. Both were sent to my Grandma by my aunt when she and her husband were with the Army in Germany in the 1950's. My niece had asked about them earlier. I went straight to the living room and asked her what she had done with them. She said nothing. My brother looked at me like I was crazy. I told her I had left them on the table 2 hours earlier. I started toward the bedroom she was using. There was a large tote bag on the floor. I took it to the living room and opened it in front of my brother. There was the clock, wall piece and several other items from throughout the house. My brother told her to get her stuff. He made her open everything. We found an envelope from a drawer in the kitchen. I had stupidly put it there after the funeral. We had asked for no flowers but memorial donations to the local library. There was about $1100 in the envelope and I was going to take to the library in the morning. My brother checked his wallet and there was $200 missing. He had left it laying on the dresser this am while he went running. He asked her where it was and she threw her purse at him. Anyway he told her to get in the car she was going back where she came from. He hasn't gotten back yet. I called her little girls grandparents and told them what she had done. Hr father-in-law said he was not surprised. He said he and his wife did not let her in their house. He said that he had told his son repeatedly to divorce her if wanted to see his daughters more. He said they felt strongly that she, her mother and brother were bad, her father, my brother just listening to and going along with them which he shouldn't have done. I'm so disturbed by this whole mess. How many times will I be so stupid as to believe these people. I hope never again. They are pathological liars and theives. Glad and all who warned me, thanks.

Upset, how awful!! I am so sorry. Here your brother was trying to help her and she just steals from both of you. A wolf in sheeps clothing for sure. At least you got the things back especially the money to donate to the library. My heart goes out to both you and your brother.