The Caregiver & Dysfunctional Families: How are you doing?

Call your mother and ask her how the nurse's visit went.

You've done nothing wrong. Your brother made a reasonable request but unfortunately you weren't able to help and politely explained. He made alternative arrangements, which appear to be working out fine. There is no problem. Don't create one. Just call her.

East, I would call and ask her how her appointment turned out. I think that's reasonable.

I hope I get some sleep tonight. I am so anxious to get away from here. It hasn't been a pleasant visit at all.

Daughterlu, If your mother is Trustee of her trust, she is in charge. She can move where she wants and she is who should be making money, not your brother. As far as the cousin goes, no matter how well spoken, it's none of his business.

east - narcs use "fear of making them angry" to manipulate people. Your mother and bro have not treated you well in the past, nor been at all concerned about your needs. Like guilt, your fear of making them angry is part of your dysfunctional family situation. Don't worry about them being angry. See if you can let it go. They don't worry if you are angry, or tired, or sick or... It is appropriate to contact your mum and ask how things are. That you have been clear that you cannot care give your mum and that bro has hired a CNA is a great step forward. If s/he is angry, s/he will get over it.

cm - from my point of view it was an unreasonable request under the circumstances that east has described. The job was much too much for her and the house not well set up for caregiving.

upset - I can imagine that you are wanting to get out of there. It has been a difficult time. Colour yourself accomplished to have carried it off as well as you have.

EE, you think they are mad at you? I have to ask so what? I think you are feeling guilt over not being able to help because of your own issues. That is OK! If you cannot get mom on the phone, just remember, she will call you when she needs you. Though it would just be nice to chat, wouldn't it?

My narc mother rarely spoke to me just to chat. It was always what she wanted, what she needed or tell me what all she had done for my brothers or to tell me how wonderful my niece was (same niece that stole from me) or to tell me how bad I am. I don't think narc mother's can just chat. I'm having a bad evening, tired from cleaning up and taking care of dysfunction junction yet again. I hope it's the last time, but I'm sure they'll try to con me again. It's what they do best.  

Golden,
Great advice for East! I have to try and ignore my brother, there is no point in even getting into a discussion anymore, I made my wishes clear and if he chooses to escalate, I will be forced to file a harrassment claim on him. Since you feel the twangs of guilt, remember you are no good to anyone, including yourself if you compromise your own health, believe me, I am learning this now. My stomach has been in an uproar for a couple weeks and really affecting my daily life, I already have a bad lower back and hips, and now, fatigue is getting worse & stomach issues. Stress.
I really have to try diligently to cut out as much stress as possible in my current situation because it is catching up to me. I say ignore your texting bro if he consistently tries to bully you. He has heard your answer.

upset - I identify! Mother's "conversations" were all about her. If you tried to change the subject or share a little about your own life, suddenly she became very tired and had to go. Of course, if you switched the convo back to her she became animated again. Sigh. There was little real conversation in our house with mother around. it was a "performance" by her. Thankfully, my father could carry on a conversation.
You have put in some protective measures. Every time there is a leak, plug it! I hope you can sleep tonight.

rainey -reducing stress when you are in a dysfun fam is imperative. You need to do what ever protects you from them. Years ago I was going to counselling for family of origin issues and I had a dream which I still remember vividly. Mother was mad about something I was doing and she had a gun. My job was to protect myself, which I did. It was an eye opener for me. I would not get into any debates/discussions with your bad bro. Nothing good will come of it - just more stress for you. You have enough stress caring for your mother. BTW, I wanted to ask who hit you when you were a kid. That was brutal - as was the treatment upset got.

Rinsing my sinuses with diluted peroxide as I have an infection. When it stings you know you got it where it needs to be. They are getting better, and hopefully even better tomorrow.

Golden,
Who hit me? Badbro mostly, that is why I stayed quiet after initially telling Mom about the abuse. Anytime I got him in trouble, the next time we were alone together, which was fairly often, he would beat me up for it. Quiet = survival. Mom hit me too, one time she slapped me in the face over and over until blood started gushing out my nose. I was in my teens then I think. The next time after that when she raised her hand to me, I said, " If you hit me again, I'll hit you back, Mother or not!" She knew I was not kidding.
That was the end of her physical abuse. All of us when we were kids got the leather belt across backside when we misbehaved.

Now, that all pales in comparison to having your own Mom threaten you with a GUN!!!!! I cannot even fathom that, EVER! How can anyone ever get over something like that? I could not. You are an amazing woman, I admire you more than you know. *HUGS*
No excuse in the world other than completely "out of their mind nuts" would explain that one away, I don't care if you accidentally set fire to the house!

Rainey, You have to protect yourself from the dysfunction. It seems at times that it starts with something small and relatively insignificant and then as time passes the dysfunction morphs into other things that are important. I've found that out the hard way. Twenty years ago when the duplex was new Mom and I would leave our purses in the living room or on the kitchen counter. We would leave change laying on the dresser. Or earrings, etc. Without knowing when it started or even talking about it we both noticed things missing. We had lived there for about three years. I did the weekly grocery shopping. The next morning we decided to go to WV for a few days to visit. We came back and the groceries were missing. Mom got mad and went next door and asked my brother what happened. He said he didn't know. SIL gave their grocery money to my niece and nephew and took our groceries. She used the extra key to get in. After that it was worse and worse. Nothing happened to them so they knew they could do it. Don't let your brother get by with anything and don't let him run you down.

rainey -the gun was in a DREAM! However, there were a number of times when I barricaded my bedroom door as I was afraid she would hurt me. I seriously considered running away more than once but figured mother with her persistence would find me and life would be worse. One time when I was a teen and things were particularly tense at home she took me out for a drive on a lonely country road and ordered me out of the car. I was afraid she was going to try to run me over, and had an escape plan. Eventually she let me back in the car and we went home. Good for you for standing up to your mother. I got a wooden hanger on the bare bum for misbehaving. Bad bro is very bad news for you.

upset - it started small and has escalated. They have shown their colours clearly. Too bad something wasn't done right at the start. I told my kids if they broke the law in any sense I would be the first one to report them. I did it to ex once when he was driving and had a dui against him and wasn't supposed to be. It must have been awful living with them next door and having access to your home. No sense of safety at all.

Rainey, Are you positive we didn't have the same brother?

One time when we were in grade school, I was sitting on the floor watching TV. It was one of those big 50's floor consoles. My brother wanted something  and I told him no. He threw a book at me and hit me on the temple. I had a big red mark and cried. My mom asked what I was crying about and I told her John threw a book at me. She asked him and he said no that I was clumsy and tripped and hit my head on the corner of the TV. The book was laying right there on the floor. She believed him.

Hi Everybody! Still plugging along! We had the Hospice Nurse and SW in today to see FIL, and to go over everything and get any questions answered, all went well.

FIL is doing as well as can be expected, is still behaving and even seems a little stronger. The Cancer Dr told us that it will probably be an infection that takes him out, as he becomes weaker and weaker to fight off these things, or CHF, as his lungs are so affected. My husband, who doesn't like all things medical, is doing so good helping with the "personal" stuff! Good boy! I know that there will be tougher things ahead to face, so I hope he's up for this!

One nice thing is that the SW is looking into getting some sort of VFW acknowledgment for him serving in the Navy, twice! He is also missing one of the Medals he was supposed to have received back in the day, but they were out of them, so she is trying to get that as well, as it would mean a lot to him! His old Navy days are one thing he Loves to chat about! This is a very nice Hospice group, and they are the same outfit who worked with our Mom years ago.

We are finding ourselves pooped out by 6pm, and another thing SW told us is that he qualifies for 28 hours of home health aide per week from the VA, so we just might start taking advantage of this! It will be weird, as hubby and I are fairly private people, so we Need to learn how to accept help when offered!

Hubby's brother is causing trouble again! Telling Vicious stories about their 1/2 sister, neither of whom have been to see their Dad in the past 13 years, well maybe once or twice, but that was when We instigated the visit, or took the Dad to where They were at the time.

Bb is wanting to speak with ME about family issues, ummmm, NO THANKS! I'm staying out of it, I don't have the time or the energy for petty BS, and frankly could care less! He then went on to tell my husband that sister wants to figure out a way to "put the screws" to my husband, Whatever that means! What a joke! Then Bb said that sister has an Old Will, that has different disbursement than the one FIL has. WTF, really?

I told hubby not to worry, as FIL has legitimately and legally changed/updated his Will several times in 13 years, and that the 3 of us, FIL, hubby and I have discussed and reviewed it, as it is all together with his POA assignments, so she/they have no legs to stand on in that regard, pure petty silliness! Isn't it just Sick, the levels that these people will stoop to, when they think there may be money to be had? Now I don't want either of them in my home, so now what do I do? They are Azzhatz!

FIL told me he wants me to have Mother's diamond ring, one he bought her for their 50th anniversary. Very sweet, but I told him that we will need to follow the Will, as MIL wanted her jewelry dispersed. He was insistent, not going to get into it with him, it was a nice gesture, but I know that ring is designated for her daughter, and no way am I getting into the Fray about a ring rightfully belonging to her! I've no idea why he hasn't given out MIL's rings as she intended. There are 4 altogether, one for her Daughter, me, my daughter and my DIL, eldest Grandson's wife whom she loved very much! I'll find something nice to give to the other Grandson's wife, whom she never met, but whom she would have Loved! FIL has token items designated to all the boys in time, even Bb! Lol!

UpsetSister, my gosh you've been busy! You are powerhouse! Hope everything settles down soon!

SharynM and Golden, we've had a lot of smoke from the BC Fires here too, such a tragedy! Golden, I know that you Northern Canadians get a lot of fires up there, and we do too, in the eastern half of Wa state. It's always so sad when folks lose their homes, and sometimes whole towns get destroyed! Prayers to those affected!

East, good for you for holding your ground! See, it did work out after all! Your Mom Loves you, and she will come around!

Hope everyone is doing OK! Love to you All!

upset -that seems to be the theme. One child, who the parent believes/supports, who gives trouble to another child. My sis wasn't physical, but she set me up to be raged at or criticized by mother regularly until very recently. That's nearly 80 years of cr*p and I have had enough.

stacey - so much going on, I am glad you can have some help. How nice that the SW can do that for fil. My goodness Bb does like causing trouble. Old wills aren't worth anything. You are handling all this so well. I wouldn't talk to Bb either. We are free from smoke now thankfully. It is a cool and wet August so far. Many in BC have lost their homes. It is sad.

So disappointed I don't get to head home early in the morning. My cousin has kidney stones and can't drive one of the cars. She's in the hospital. We're going to call at 8 am and try  get a car trailer to haul one of them on the back of the truck. We won't be able to leave until later in the morning after we get the car loaded on the trailer. I feel like a whiney brat who is not getting their way. I'd like to lay down on the floor and kick and scream.

After the last few days I've finally realized one thing - my brother and I  need to learn how to recover from a dysfunctional family. How to move on. How to learn not to respond with any kindness to the entreaties of those who want to con us. Learn how to be angry at them and try to move on. After this weekend the topic of forgiveness is even more relevant. I wish there was a way for me to fly home tomorrow. I'm tired and I can't sleep. Oh well I'll get thru it I always do.

Darn it, Upset, I'm kicking and screaming for you!

Thanks Barb. Lol

Barb,
I am with you! Wish I could transport myself over to where Upset is and kick some dysfunctional butt for her!!!! Easier if you have no ties to let someone have it! It is just so horrible what they are putting her through, it just makes me livid, sounds like you feel the same. Upset, you have all of us to support you. Too bad we couldn't beam over and help you because we would!
Yeah, interesting both badbro's were named John, coincidence? Here's one for ya. One day, my Grandma happened to be visiting, John invites me to play a card game in his room. He shared a room with my other brother so there were two twin beds in there. He had put a bunch of thumbtacks under Tom's bedspread and grabbed me by the shoulders and "placed me" on the tacks he had hidden under the thin bedspread! I screamed out in pain as the tacks went into my rear and my Grandma heard me. She started coming up the stairs to see what was going on, he grabbed me and hissed, "Don't you say a friggin word!" So, Grandma came into the room and sees tears in my eyes and say's, "What's wrong honey???" I had to stand there with tears in my eyes and say, "Nothing Grandma." Ruled by fear again.
Golden,
Sorry I did not get that was a dream but jeez, what fear you must have harbored down deep to have such a dream! The drive way out to a lonely country road is just downright disturbing and scary!
How heartbreaking to grow up in such fear. 😥 Again, how you have managed to forgive and do so well is highly commendable!

Sad for all of those folks in BC to have lost their homes.

Stacey, sounds like you are doing pretty well considering, everyone needs to forgive me for being a bit distracted this week, started having outside of house painted, wars with paint guy on pricing and trying to "fleece us" and husband and I having to monitor everything they are doing now, just one more thing with people who ruin trust. He agreed to a fixed price excluding unforseen damage and now he is nickle and diming us, not monitoring his guys, for all we know they are unskilled day laborers he is picking up, *sighs* always something. After they are done, no more projects for the rest of the year involving anyone we have to hire.
I am worn out with babysitting and trying to make sure they don't try and rip us off.

Getting ready to leave. I was talking to my aunt about the trailer problem and she asked if we wanted to sell the car. I said yes neither of us needed. She said her and her husband had been looking. The came over, it was what they were looking for and they are buying. Thank heavens my brother got an estate title so we could sell. They done the paperwork and we're ready to hit the road. Hope every one is starting off a good day. I'm so glad to be getting out of here.

Upset, I'm so glad for you! Was worried the crew was going to show up in the middle of the night and light the place up! Safe travels.

We're on the road. Stopping for gas and then really rolling up the road. Made a slight change to our route to avoid driving the truck on the bigger mountains. The whole time I was waiting I kept waiting for dysfunctional family to show up. My weird cousin who thinks I should take care of her mother called late last night to make sure I didn't want to take her with me me. I told her no, not ever and not come to Maine ever. I had about two nerves left when she called and wasn't very nice.  So I'm on my way. Can't wait to get home.

Oh upset - so many blips, but it turned out well for you and your aunt, Dragging a trailer would make the trip much harder. I hope your cousin Rose is feeling better. Kidney stones are very painful. The gall of the other cousin asking you to take her mother. Unbelievable! Prayers for safe travels today! Hope you have no more surprises uness they are pleasant ones.

rainey -good luck with the paint wars and with working on reducing stress in general. it is well worth it, especially if your health is suffering. Try to build some good stuff into your day.

Thanks Golden,
Again, sorry I am so distracted, they were using the sanding machines against the house right behind me yesterday. The guy tried to get us to pay for an extenstion ladder and a harness telling us the rental costs. Husband and I looked it up and not only was the price way off, we could have BOUGHT that stuff for what he wanted to charge us. Why does a pro not have his own stuff???

Today I will make BBQ pulled pork, everyone LOVES that so that will make everyone happy at dinner time. I have to do some house cleaning. Yesterday, had to take Mom to her annual dermatology check up since I discovered melanoma on her arm, they check her regularly. There she was, in her full Tammy Faye Bakker make up and I thought , jeez Mom, if the dermatologist wants to see your face, he will need a scraper! Thankfully he did not make a comment about it but she has had cancer on her face in the past.
Upset, I will be so happy for you when you get back home and get settled again. You need a break after all this craziness! If they ever try to contact you again, ignore them, pretend they no longer exist.
You have zero reason to have any further contact or obligation.

Hoorah Upset, safe travels!! So happy you sold the car and end results are working out well. I'm sure you will be glad when you return home. No further obligations to Bb family.

Landscaper starts work to n Thursday. I will be so happy when the backyard is done.

I received some business mail from my sister, re one account of my mother's that she kept open just in case there any bills for her that may show up. There hasn't been.

Having left over pork loin Rainey, boys are coming over as yesterday was our dd and sil's 7th anniversary, we will have them a few hours so they can have a nice dinner and see a movie.

Sounds good Sharyn! Hope you all enjoy yourselves, I love tenderloin too and have an award winning recipe that everyone I have made it for adores. It's an apple and onion cream sauce. Sooooo good! 😊

Hi All ! Does anyone have a Husband (and Family) who gets a little bit tired of all the talking, discussing, and worrying that goes on about a Mother-In-Law? I think my Husband is stressed out over the never-ending talking that I do, all day long, about my Mother. That is all I ever talk about these days. The entire situation has drained the energy right out of me, and I am so depressed about everything. If I think about doing something that I enjoy, I feel guilty about it, because I know that my Mother is feeling miserable. I shouldn't be saying that, because it is nothing compared to what my Mother is feeling and what she has to endure. I called her today, she was just getting out of the bathroom (she still has her Chronic stomach issues), but I was able to talk to her. The results of her PCP visit: Her Doctor said that she has lost many of her senses which puts in danger of falling again, this is something that we already knew. But I did not go to this visit with her, so I don't know what else the Doc had to say. My Mother is blind in one eye, bad eyesight in the other, hearing loss, and the neuropathy in her feet. The Doc is sending her to a Cardiologist, which I think should have happened along time ago. Then it will be decided if my Mother can have the Pace Maker or not. Today she had shortness of breath, which she never has. She also had a temp yesterday of 101. She has a bad scrape on the back of her leg which is taking along time to heal. This happened in the rehab when one of the Aides was helping my Mother get into the wheelchair, and my Mother scraped her leg on the chair. So, my Mother has a Nurse coming in every day to check her vitals, and they also check her leg and change the bandage. I told Mom that when we get older, it takes longer for cuts and scrapes to heal. She also found out that she will have Physical Therapy for another 9 weeks and she was not happy about that - at all. I told her that she should feel lucky that she will be getting more sessions, because the Therapy is doing a world of good for her. I told her that my Husband would be thrilled if he could go to PT every week for the rest of his life - since that is what helped him feel better due to his back injuries. My Mother is pretty mad about having all the help coming in. As I mentioned she has a CNA every day from 8 to 8. The Visiting Nurse asked my Mom if she would like to have someone stay later than that - to help her get into bed at night. My Mother told her "No Way" because she does not go to bed, she likes to stay up all night and sits in her chair in the Living Room to watch TV and she does not put her legs up ( she has been doing that for the last year or more). The Nurse told her that it was not good for her health at all. My Mother said she can't wait for all of them to leave, and they better be gone by Friday. So I told her that my Brother and I would be very worried if she was all alone at home. I know that my Brother goes not show how he feels, but I'm sure he does not want to deal with another accident. She didn't pay any attention to what I said. She just wants things her way, Period. So we will have to see what happens in the next few weeks or so. I just wanted to let you all know that I had called her. Thank again, for all your Support, it really helps.

Rainey, sounds yummy!! Will have to try it next time. I use garlic, fennel seeds and celery seeds as a dry rub. Very yummy too!!

East eagle, my husband does not what he feels is complaining. If I needed to vent about my mom, I did it here on this site. Your hubby  is probably no different. Vent away on here, that's what a big part of this site is for.

Well we're stopped for night. Drove further than we planned to Massachusetts. Should be home by noon. I can't wait. It's been a long drive.

East, I think anyone who does caregiving becomes absorbed. It's like the details of what the parent is going thru becomes all consuming. It's also all consuming for the patient. And I think people around them don't quite understand.

I got divorced in 1995. From 1983 - 1995, my ex got calls from his mom and dad about his mom's health every single day.  She was always on death's doorstep. She had breast cancer, Crohn's disease, lung cancer, breast cancer again, colostomy surgery for Crohn's, depression and a bunch of other stuff. I had to stay with her st the drop of a hat. Whatever she wanted. I've now been divorced for 21 years. And my ex MIL is still making demands and she is still manipulating family to get what she wants. I can only imagine what she is like now that she is 93. My son says not pleasant st all. I had no where to vent at that time. Just an abusive husband and too much work.I wonder how many of these people there are. I had lots of reasons to get divorced, but that was also a small part of it. I got sick of hearing about her conditions. It became all consuming.

Rainey Your pork loin sounds wonderful. I'll be glad to get home to my own kitchens. I'll be glad to get home period.

Will be good to get home tomorrow - 4.5 more hours of driving.