The Caregiver & Dysfunctional Families: How are you doing?

Upset,
Was just thinking, if the letters are threatening, can't you file a harrassment suit on them now?

Upset,
Just looked this up.
http://family.findlaw.com/domestic-violence/domestic-violence-orders-of-protection-and-restraining-orders.html

Brenda, any reason you can't just say "I can't possibly do that for you, make other arrangements"?

Cmag, I know exactly what you mean about "crisis in the making." Arg. That's the reason, mostly, that I felt I could never leave my father and this house while he was having medical issues. He was competent, would not leave voluntarily, would not allow paid help... what do you do? My situation has turned out pretty well, with my father getting completely off catheter which was causing him many infection and issues, and now in a Senior Living apartment and happy as a clam. Sounds like SIL will just have to wait it out, wait for that thing to happen that gives her mother no choice but to go back to some level of care at home 24/7. Sometimes elders have no clue the amount stress and concern they cause by their actions. They truly believe they are capable and competent. That in itself should be seen as incompetency lol.

Upset, do you think that with everything niece & nephew have done so far that police talking with them will even faze them? I rather picture them as being beyond the reach of common sense, but I hope that... these things you're doing have the effect that they leave you and bro alone. What a nasty bunch and I'm so sorry.

Hi all! It's a beautiful sunny Friday here. I've had a couple of interviews last week, but didn't hear anything this week. I do think if I'm passed over, they will let me know. So... no news isn't terrible news...

And in the meantime, a girlfriend is coming over tomorrow to help me set up an Etsy or eBay shop for all my vintage silver and other jewelry. Hopefully it will help me to declutter some, plus gain some revenue while I'm looking for full time work. I'm waffling about temp work. It doesn't pay much (which isn't an issue, just... it would occupy much of my time and I have some other things to do right now) and the positions are local. I think my efforts are better spent seeking full time in the city for after my move in 10/1.

Found out the Trust Officer is retiring at the end of the month. I wish he wasn't because even though he isn't perfect, he knows the entire history of the trust and family and *I think* he would be on my side about getting reimbursed for my receipts since 2011. I'm halfway done with those. There are things that need pricing put with them, I have to go out and find a 11x14 copier for some of these receipts. Sigh. It's all good stuff, moving forward slowly.

I'm letting my mother "have" my dad's care all to herself lol. Seems it's what she wants and as long as they are both functioning and fine... There will be a reckoning at some point, with my mother distracting herself more and more from her own life and impending retirement. My mom's in her late 60s now and still hasn't moved into her small home she purchased several years ago... She's quite bad with hoarding and I don't think she knows how to move forward. Family has tried to help. It is what it is.

I have my own stuff to worry about, of course, that's enough for me. I went on 2 dates with a guy last week. First one was really nice, 2nd one he kept grabbing me lol. He really got on my nerves, so I left halfway through the movie, sent him an email and told him why.  Oh, well. I'll keep swinging the bat, keep trying, no big deal.

Have a great weekend, all. ♡♡♡

Yea! The last letters from dysfunction junction did the trick. Law enforcement in WV arrested my niece and SIL for criminal threatening. Of course, her father bailed them out. My nephew will be arrested when he leaves the hospital. The big upside is that there is now a permanent restraining order in effect. They may not call or contact me, my brother, or my son and his family via any method - FB, email, phone or in person. My SIL told the prosecutor she was going to sue for their part of my Mom's estate and also for her husband's estate. He told her he had checked all of the paperwork and that both estates had been followed to the letter of the law. He told her in WV there wasn't a judge who would allow her invalid frivolous lawsuit to proceed. He said she should consider herself lucky that I wasn't suing her and her children for theft.

He also told her father he should watch his money she and her kids couldn't be trusted.

Upset,
Such Good news for you!!!! :) So happy they finally got what they Deserved for all the hassle they have given you. ((((HUGS 4 YOU)))))

Upset,
Excellent!!!!!!!!! Well played! Now they are under the spotlight and exposed! It would not hurt to get a camera in front of your house for "just in case." These people obviously do not have boundaries and it may be the last thing to set your mind completely at ease. If they try anything, you will have it on video. The one we are looking at sends any alerts to your phone, you can set the parameters, motion lights for dark and you have the ability to talk to whomever and say audibly, "get off the property or I will sound alarm and alert the police!" That way, even if you are not home, you won't have to stress about something happening when you are not there.

Upset-Thank goodness!! I hope this eases some of the mayhem and anxiety that your brother and his family have caused.

Ali- Good idea to let your Mom "have" your Dads care as she wishes. Reminds me of the saying "If it ain't broke don't fix it".

CMag- Your SILs Mom sounds like so many of the elders we are dealing with here. Controlling, cantankerous and stubborn. I wish I could offer easy solution but I know better. Yes, it's a crisis in the making. I used to call my folks a train wreck waiting to happen. What I should have said was they were a never ending sh#t storm waiting to happen. I hope your SIL can detach enough to keep her own health and sanity when the tempest hits for her.

Golden and Glad - Thank you for the heads up on Jude. Golden, that was hysterical, you do have a great imagination!

Well the drama is ramping up again with my family. Mom is totally out of control right now. She is not sleeping and wakes Dad up in the night to make him pee or drink water. Then she harasses him all day because she says he is sleeping too much. Apparently she is also driving the caregivers nuts with her need to control everything they do.

Sis is still insisting that all is going well but her husband called my DH today and told him things are getting bad and he is concerned for Sis's health. I just found out Sis is now trying to sell Dads coins piece meal to bring in more money. That's crazy because they have more than enough money in the bank at this point. She refuses to sell it as a lot (just like before, with the hoarded warehouse full of junk). She is still going ahead with the full bathroom reno. She is still convinced that "with the right care" Dad is going to get stronger and better. She too rides the caregivers mercilessly.

My BIL is at his wits end. Sis actually has him doing an overnight shift to save money on caregivers. She stays two nights. Meanwhile Mom is chronically abusive verbally and has actually threatened Sis physically more than once. BIL said Mom treats him like crap. My husband said that numerous times BIL referred to Mom as repulsive or revolting.

My BIL should tell Sis no, but he fears her wrath and always has. She can be a lot like Mom. He basically told my husband that he now understands why I have such strong boundaries and limits when it comes to my parents.

Although it was nice to hear something positive about the position I take, I take no joy in it. I just wish Sis could do the same. I wish she could see that what she does will never be enough and it's going to destroy her health. I wish she could see that for all her controlling she is not in control of anything. I wish I wish... but wishing does nothing. I have no control either. All I can do is detach with love and pray.

Rainey, I live at a private lake with gate and 24 hour guards. One way in and out. I also gave the Highway Patrol license plate numbers for my SIL and nephew, along with a copy of the restraining order, so there's a good chance they would get stopped. Some toll booths on the Turnpike and some towns have license scanners that alert them to a problem. I have their photos posted at the gate where I live. I will never let down my guard completely. I don't trust them at all. I also have my crazy cousin who tries to get me to take her mother to care for picture posted. My wack job relatives take up half the bulletin board in the guard shack. We're grilling out this evening. Hope bugs don't carry us off.

Upset,
Glad to hear you are well protected and the dysfunctionals have finally been put in thir place. You should sleep well now! Enjoy this evening and watch out for those bugs!

My Dad passed almost 6 years ago . I have 2 half brothers I grew up with and loved. We were a close family. The Greed that came out of those 2 brothers was horrific. I ended getting beat up twice, one brother beat the other brother up, one brother moved in at mom's and called the police and said she took an overdose to get her removed from her house. I was there Thank God to say otherwise. Many other things happened, including my druggy son moving in which mom would not listen and he got $20,000off of her but covered his tracks. The 2 half brothers got about $100,000. I took mom and moved out of state. Now her dementia is really bad and keeps asking about her other two sons, whom are adults and my son, her grandson . It not only breaks my heart but now I have to feel my way through a conversation with her as to not upset her with the truth but then again she does not understand any of it, This is truly sad. This has made mom fail so much faster.

The bugs were out in full force. My bro managed to do the grilling, but we ate indoors.

I got a call late afternoon from the county prosecutor in WV. He was very nice. He said he had sent an alert to attorneys in the county about my SIL and children and alerted them about her seeking legal counsel to file a lawsuit. He said he told them that there were no grounds for suit and that it would be a financial loss to represent them. He gave them no info just the warning - illegal for him to do otherwise. He told me that in 25 years of representing and/or prosecuting people, he had never read about or met in person anyone more obnoxious and repellant than my SIL.

On an even brighter note my niece's MIL called to tell me that her son filed for divorce and that he requested that she and her husband retain custody of the little girls permanentl, and that my niece be granted only court supervised visitation because of fear of parental kidnapping or poor influence on them. His dad's an attorney so I'm sure he coached him on what to ask for.

Ali, Hope you're feeling better. 

Golden, The furniture is well scaled for my house. My grandparents never lived in a large house, so it's not overly big or ornate. It's more Mission/Shaker style. I ended up taking the leaf out of my DR table and putting 4 chairs in the garage. Then moved to my enclosed back porch. Put my grandparents table, buffet and 6 chairs in my dining room. If/when my brother builds his house, he can go furniture shopping in my garage and house. There are several things he would like. I called my three living  cousins and asked if there was anything they would like to have. One of them wanted this small glass bird my grandmother had in her bedroom. The other two are sisters who live together since they are both widowed. They wanted the kitchen wall piece from Germany that my niece tried to steal. They were both born in Germany when their Dad was stationed there. So I'm sending those things out in the mail Monday. Slowly, but surely I'll get all of this cleaned out.

StayStrong, I am so sorry for what you have gone thru. Greed and drugs take their toll on so many families. And I agree that it causes the elderly to fail s little faster. I wish you and your mother the best. Welcome to this thread. We've all had our struggles with family issues - past and present and as caregivers.

Golden,
Are you feeling any better? I hope you are. This weekend I will be attempting to relax, monthly nightmare is coming, back hurts, bloated, headaches, no energy, all that fun stuff! Forgot to say, I was really worried about my stomach recently because it was seemingly going on and on and morphing into other symptoms, not like a typical stomach flu. Went in to get some meds at drugstore and I started talking to a gal who had almost identical symptoms for about same length of time and she was even thinking she was developing IBS or something. These bugs are getting nastier and last much longer but I was relieved to hear her say that because I thought something was seriously wrong with me. Symptoms are finally starting to let up to where I am not having issues everytime I eat anything. I still need to be aware of my stress levels but anytime work is being done on the house, it is always stressful. Painters were supposed to be done today, I knew they wouldn't make it at the pace they were going but now, front door, windows are all plastic and taped up still, are we going to have to live like this through the weekend? No opening windows for air, using the back entry to get in and out? I hope they show up tomorrow but I won't hold my breath. They have not even started with the main body paint yet, just second coated most of the trim and under the eaves still need to replace the rotted trim boards too. 1 week turns into two. I am ready for all work to cease for the year and enjoy my favorite season coming up and just focus on gardening and cleaning up before winter sets in.

Rainey, I went through a ton of stomach issues about 18 months ago. It seemed to go on forever. I finally realized it was mostly stress from dealing with my Mom and her food issues. No matter what I fixed she complained. Then I would rush and eat something just to eat. Once I started concentrating on my diet and not worry about hers so much things improved. The stress of caregiving will manifest itself in many ways. But at the groups that I work with stomach problems seem to be a common complaint. Most eventually figure out its the stress of caregiving. Take care of yourself. Take time for a cup of tea or something else that is soothing. And enjoy your gardening. I've got to get busy on my garden tomorrow. Hope the weather is nice.

Things are straigtening out a bit now but tonight, wasn't feeling up for a solid heavy dinner so made myself some benign hot breakfast cereal. Was just right. Found it odd that the gal I ran into at the store said she experienced same exact things I had so I think it was a weird virus because it is getting better. Stress definately did aggravate it.
I let Mom make her own food for the most part, when I was making her dinner regularly, I got the same thing. I bring her stuff I know she really loves and there is a lot of it, like pulled pork or any big casseroles I make. Other than that, because husband is a diabetic, we stick to a fairly strict diet. Mom loves her sweets above all else. As long as she is capable to make her simple meals, I want her too, makes her use her mind. I know there will be a day when I do have to fix her food for her and get her dressed, etc. I want her thinking and doing as long as she is capable. She would gladly let me do it all for her because she adapts very well to being spoiled but I jump in only when necessary.

Sharyn,
Oh yeah, I have experienced the babytalkers. I will actually turn around and walk away immediately if I hear this because I have a problem not saying something! Grown women talking like that? Nope, can't handle it. I speak "adult" and if I cannot have a conversation with another "adult" I will quickly excuse myself. No mumblers, babytalkers, uptalkers. I have no issue with any accents, just none of the other "things" added on that make it unbearable.
One of my friends was training a new gal at work, she turned and introduced herself in the babytalk voice. I took one look at my friend and wished her luck and walked out. LOL!!!! I could not have done it.

Brenda, is there any reason why you *would* want to move in and care for this lady? I can't see a single one. What am I missing?

Rainey, Your wise to let your Mom do as much as she can as long as she can. My mom just flat out refused to do anything for herself, not even get up and get a glass of water. It was very tiring on me. But it was what it was.

I stayed up last night sorting thru more "stuff". I thought I would sleep late. But that didn't happen. I shredded another big black garbage bag full of stuff.

Today I'm working in my garden. Trying to get the last of the bear damage cleared out. A couple of PJ's grandsons are going to come over to help me get of some tomato plants that are bare pulled, pull weeds, etc. I would love for my house to magically be cleared of all the clutter, but that's not going to happen.

My brother is leaving today to go back to his home. He is giving up his apartment and going to move into a small house that is available here at the lake. He's leased it for a year to see how it works for him working from here. Then he'll decide if he wants to build in the spring.

Everyone take care of yourselves and try to enjoy these last days of summer.

upset - time to stand on your hind legs and roar! So great the "system" is backing you up in so many ways. I didn't think the crazies would have a chance in court. Hope you salvage some stuff from your garden. Mission/shaker stuff is so nice. Would be good if bro wanted some. It will be interesting to see if he likes it in Maine. I hope he does.

trying - things aren't getting better are they? Between your mum and your sis I feel sorry for your dad and bil. BIl should put his foot down but... I am glad he recognizes the value of your boundaries. Yes, all you can do is detach and pray, ((((((hugs)))))

staystrong - the greed that comes out from some sibs is horrible. Sounds like you are doing the right things. I am so sorry that your mum is being so affected. That makes it harder for you

rainey - I am slowly getting there, thank you for asking, but with relapses. I thought I was over it and then yesterday I had some sneezing and the mother of all headaches, and stuffy sinuses again, and I am not a headachy person. I think it is another weaker round of the same bug as I don't feel as tired. I felt like I had labour pains in my forehead and found it difficult to read. It is around today too, not quite a bad, and I am a little nauseated, so I am taking painkillers to try to keep to at bay. At least the sore throat has gone, so I must be making progress. I hope your stomach is better. Sounds like the flu, but stress makes it worse. It is always comforting to hear about someone else who has the same thing, Dd said the grands and sil have the thing that I have. I hope the painting gets finished soon. I have lived with renovations and it is no fun.

brenda - in a few words - don't do it.

Pork chops are brining. Last time I left them 24 hours and it was too long as they were salty. This time it will be less than 12 hrs. I am making sure I drink lots to keep my sinuses moist. It seems to help. My kitchen needs a good cleaning, but I haven't been up to it with this bug. Worst comes to worst I will hire someone.

Upset, you mentioned the last of summer. Indeed, and it doesn't make me happy. I love the sunshine and blue skies and no snow.

Have a good day everyone and do something good for you.

Upset,
Whenever Mom starts pointing the finger saying , "you could do this or that" I always turn around and say, "yes, so could you!" That usually shuts her up. I refuse to be ordered around. I know what she can and can't do so if she starts telling me to "go and bring in the garbage can" because the truck just picked it up, she has this weird obsession that the cans MUST be brought in immediately after they are emptied, I just tell her if she keeps nagging, I will leave it outside all day like the rest of the neighbors do because they are at WORK!!!!! The minute I give in to her every whim, it will become an expectation. Sometimes I have to be a smarta** and put her back in her place. She has a bad habit of obsessing over totally insignificant things, I have enough important stuff to do than be sitting around waiting for her to come up with the next fleeting fixation. She gets all of her needs taken care of and then some! Not my fault she has decided to cut off all friendships with everyone and refuses to go to a senior daycare to meet other folks and do some activities, that does not mean I become her sole source of entertainment. That was the one thing I strongly warned her about when she said she wanted to live with me, I told her I would not be able to be "her entire world" and entertain her. That is why I took her up to a retirement community first, if she wanted a social life, she could have had it there. She refused. So, I feel no guilt whatsoever on that score, I warned her I already have a life with husband which I have already given up a huge amount of that for her with the worsening of her dementia and her bad decision making like letting strangers on the property and us getting ripped off!

Golden,
Sorry you are still struggling, migraines are so awful!!!! I hope you get through this soon, sounds awful! It's been a while since I had a bad sinus infection. I do recall how miserable it was and how long it hung on. Almost a month if I recall correctly. I came down with it Christmas evening and it was almost the end of January I started coming out of it. Nasty bug.
Oh, I promised to share Pork Tenderloin Recipe so here goes!
Ingredients (which I double on the cream mixture)
6 tbsp of heavy liquid whipping cream
2 tbsp dry sherry
1 tsp dijon mustard
1/2 tsp prepared horseradish
1 small golden delicious apple
1 medium to large onion
2 Tbsp of butter
Salt and pepper to taste
3/4 to a 1lb pork tenderloin

Preheat oven to 325. In a small mixing bowl, combine whipping cream, sherry, mustard and horseradish, ( again I double this recipe because most tenderloin packages are sold as two here) and I like the extra sauce! Brush some of the sauce over the pork to coat in a shallow roasting pan, roasting uncovered for 45 - 60 minutes or until meat in center is no longer pink when slashed. When pork is almost done, I use a mandolin to slice apple and onion pretty thin. Melt butter in a wide frying pan and add onion and apple to this and sautee until nice and soft stirring often. Take left over sauce and add to apple and onions and let it come to a boil adding salt and pepper to taste. You can also add drippings from pork pan into this sauce.
Take out tenderloin (use a wide platter) and cut into medallions then pour sauce over it. Enjoy!!!!! Oh, I do brush pork again at halfway point with sauce mixture, there is still plenty left for apple and onion cream sauce!

rainey - glad you keep good boundaries with your mum. I don't think it is a migraine though I know it sounds like one. I have none of the other symptoms, After R was here a couple of weeks ago he mentioned having an atypical migraine (he rarely gets one anyway) and it was after that visit that I came down sneezing and this bug. It very much seems related to my sinuses and if I get them unstuffed it is better. I have had sinus pain that made me nauseated before. It can be quite bad.

Thx for the recipe. It looks delicious. I am allergic to dairy so wonder if a nut cream would work - coconut for example. I use it for several things and the coconut flavour is not strong.

Golden,
Does Lactaid make a cream?

Can't use any dairy in any form. It is not a lactose intolerance. I have an allergy to milk protein - casein. Saw some recipes on line for coconut milk and pork Thai and curry type so I may try it.

Ah ha! Well, that explains it! Well, the coconut may add another nice dimension to it, let me know how it goes whenever you decide to give it a try.

Golden, you could try cashew cream. It has a very mild flavor and holds up to heat. You soak raw cashews overnight, whirl in blender. Leftover cream freezes very well.

Cashew cream sounds delicious. When I first read the comment, Linda, I thought you meant cream for hands and skin! Haha! Sounds luxurious even then.

StayStrong, welcome to the thread.  Please share as much as you want to.  I'm sorry for your situation and for you and your mom.  

I had something like a panic attack yesterday evening seemingly out of nowhere.  I think it was related to a new food allergy, long story.  I took some Benadryl on advice of a friend.  I went to sleep and woke up feeling fine.  I'm just tired of this roller coaster with my health stuff.  If I don't know what the triggers are, or if the triggers are darn near everything anymore (not everything, I'm whining, but enough new things that I still think "a little bit won't hurt")... 

I'm making an appointment on Monday to see my doc. I'm going to lay out a case for him to give me a referral to have my tonsils out.  They are bothering me for 2 months now and if I don't need them, I'd like them out, please.  Might sound a little half cocked but if you were in my shoes... I'm just looking for some way to get a little bit better and a friend who has a bad strain of Epstein Barr with recurring flare ups is having her tonsils out to help.  I think she's on to something.  

Ali, I had my tonsils out at 18. It was awful, couldn't eat for at least a week. But it helped get rid of sore throats I was having all the time.

Hi all, I am reading daily just feeling a bit displaced I think these days.

Upset, your story with family is unfathomable. My story is crazy, but yours takes the cake.

Golden happy you are feeling better.

May have to try that pork loin, sounds yummy and not too much to put it together. Need to start cooking for myself more, all my life I cooked for family. Now with just me the inspiration and motivation is hard to find.

Seems at least once every couple of weeks someone's loved one passes. Tears each and every time.

Stacey, thinking of you and so many here.

Heart, where the heck are you? Margeaux?

Book, you too. Hope things are settling down now that all family has gone back home.

Glad, I know that displaced feeling. Sometimes it passes quickly, other times not so fast. I work in my garden and can all the time, but lots of days by myself I can't figure out what to cook.

I worked in garden. Picked the last green beans and tomatoes. Picked what corn the bear didn't get. Dug radishes, turnips and carrots. All I have left are potatoes and a couple of pumpkin vines. The boys cleared all of the plants and spread compost. I have just enough compost left to spread after I dig potatoes.

My brother left. The house is so quiet. He is giving up his apt at the end of the month and will be back then to try out a winter in Maine.

Rainey, You've made a great decision with making your Mom be as independent as possible. I laughed at the garbage can story. Sounds exactly like my Mom. But Mom wanted me to bring my bro and SIL's can in too. One of the few things I chose to ignore totally.

PJ is out of town. His best friend from high school and university died of ALS this past Wednesday. He flew to Pittsburgh for the funeral and will be back tomorrow. So I'm home alone on Saturday night. I have a new book to read or maybe watch a movie. My brother found an old TV and VCR in my garage. He hooked it up on my enclosed back porch and brought in a big box of old videos. Maybe I'll watch an old movie. He also found my son's old Atari game system from the 80's and games. He hooked that up. I have too much junk. Maybe I'll play video games. 

Ali,
Hope you feel better and I am curious to what your doc will say. What is Epstien Barr? Panic attacks can happen from a bad food reaction? I did not know that, I need to do some research! Benedryl always makes me tired but helps a lot with certain stuff. I am also curious about the tonsils, I have never had mine out but have been tempted many times as they have given me troubles.

Glad,
Definately try the pork, it is so easy and so yummy! A friend entered the recipe in a contest in Napa that had to have something with apples in it, she won with that recipe. I understand not feeling inspired when you are cooking just for you but treat yourself, leftovers are good too! You are right about so many people passing lately, I find it odd and sad.

Upset,
So sorry for PJ! Jeez, so many people dying lately. After all you just went through, must be odd to have the place to yourself. I think it would be nice if your bro tries living near you to see if he can adjust to Maine, hopefully it works out well for both of you.
Glad you got out in the garden, I did a bit today myself. Ohhh would love to take a walk back in time with Atari, sounds like fun!
So you ignored your Mom's trash requests too? LOL! I don't understand the fixation but I have enough on my plate to worry about and that is not high on my list of priorities!
I know I am still a newbie on this site so I am not as well caught up or familiar with many of the deep background stories of many veteran members so still getting to know a lot of you and forgive me for throwing in some other things like recipes and other subjects, just trying to add a bit of distraction from stresses and sometimes humor to hopefully put a smile on your faces! 😊