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Rainey, I haven't been on that long myself. Lots of back stories that I don't know either. A good place to vent and very supporting and welcoming.

I don't know why the elderly fixate on things. I hear it at group therapy sessions all the time. On any given day I never knew what my Mom would be honed in on. Garbage cans were always big. Also, never wanted to see a blade of grass on the sidewalk. I ignored that one too. Grass was supposed to be bros job - which he never did. He would call and have a service do it and then expect Mom to pay.

Glad, I've lived thru and survived my family and I still don't believe the crazy, the hatefulness, greed and dishonesty. It's my biggest, most sincere wish that I never hear or see my niece, nephew and SIL ever again.

I tried the Atari and I now understand why my son never wanted to play with me. I'm terrible. I've always wanted to have an arcade Ms Pacman. Every now and then I look online for one. My youngest grandson loves Ms Pacman.

I'm at loose ends. I've watched the news about Charlottesville. My son lived there for a few years. It's a beautiful small city. I took an internship at Martha Jefferson Hospital for 12 weeks so I could be near them more. I enjoyed the time. It was disturbing to see the violence in such a peaceful University area.
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Part of my feeling displaced is reading what upset and Rainey are going through. I had my turn, four years caring for mom with two twisted sisters that did all they could to keep me stressed and ready for what next was thrown my way. It was just very, very sick and vindictive. Then the past two years wishing ts2 would at the very least would let me know how mom was doing. I sent emails asking, not once, no not even once would I get a reply. I even wondered if she would let me know for mom's final decent and death. I guess she had to then. Just a very sick story. There are things that upset and Rainey say that reminds me of the past six years. I would like to remove it from my brain. It just doesn't work that way.
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I used to love the Nintendo and Sonic the hedgehog. My youngest son would boast about my prowess at school lol. I developed some skill at it. My grandson would read the manual - he loved reading manuals - and tell me what to do when I got stuck. He preferred that to playing, Good memories.

Had a nice dinner out with dd and fam. Sil and the kids have this bug too and sil has the headache. Nice to know that is what it is,

I had forgotten that we were going out so I cooked up the pork chops and had them on very low on the stove with a little water and a lid on the pan, just to cook them through when dd texted that they were at the restaurant, I grabbed my purse and tore out the door to the car. On the way down the hill I remembered the pork chops. Oh dear! I hoped that I would not come home to a real mess. The stove was on so low I was not concerned about a fire hazard, or I would have gone back home. Well, 2 hours later I got home and carefully took the lid off the pan. The chops were beautifully caramelized. I tasted one and it was incredibly tender and flavourful. I had brined them with garlic, onion and ginger. I will do this again! Now to think up a name. Forgotten Pork Chops????

Stories and recipes are good. The serious stuff comes often enough. It takes a while to get to know everyone and what their history is. Some of us have been on here several years and it has been a life saver.

Watching "Magic Moments -The Best of the 50's" on PBS. Bee Gees coming up. Probably too old for most of you, but I enjoy it.
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((((glad))))) I know you went through a dreadful time with your twisted sisters. Getting no feedback from tw2 after your mum went into a facility was dreadful. Unfortunately we can't get these things out of our brains. There are things I would like to leave behind too. I am sure that is true of all of us.

It takes a long time to process a loss and get our hearts and minds around it fairly comfortably. So many happening around now and they are triggers for our grief.

(((((((hugs)))))) to everyone.
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Thanks, Golden. Geez, this site is slow tonight. Or is it me? No patience for it. Night all.
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upset - I am so sorry about PJ losing his friend. He has had so many losses that this will hit him hard, I expect. You cannot replace long time friends who know and shared parts of your history. I am glad he has you for support and companionship. I think you are good for each other.

Glad, it may be slow on Saturday nights. Hope you sleep well.
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Golden,
Seen that program, Mom watches PBS all the time so I manage to stumble on these programs when I go over to tend to her in the evening. I remember the Bee Gee's well. Love "Forgotten Pork Chops!"
Glad, I know these memories do not go away and it's painful remembering them. I wish I could have normal relationships with my brothers but it just isn't going to happen. I have to deal with it the best I can. Honestly, when I read others stories, I feel like mine isn't quite as awful, awful in a different way but after what Upset just went through, I really have nothing to compare to that! I just have to worry about my sick, twisted brother and what he may do. My other brother just couldn't be bothered.
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Been going thru more and more papers. Found more cancelled check to bro and his family. Found a check for $23000.00 for my nephew's first semester of college. He flunked out. I shouldn't get upset but I do. The relationship between my Mom and brother is disturbing. The other day my brother and I found our baby books. Mine had little to nothing in it. Younger bro's much the same. John's had not a blank space and extra sheets added. We threw all three in the burn barrel, along with every school paper John ever carried home, every Christmas , birthday or Mother's Day card he ever sent. We had a nice little fire. Wish there was a way to burn bad memories out of my mind.
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Upset the memories will gradually fade and become history the more you burn. Or of course you may become demented and forget everything!
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Veronica, I hope you're right about the fading memories. Not so sure I'm ready for the dementia quite yet. LOL
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Upset, I don't know if it will take the sting out of the baby book thing, but my eldest has a completely filled out book. My second has a couple of pages. I managed to scrawl my third child's name in his book.

Interestingly, the same is true of my mom...I'm the eldest and I've got scads of entries. Middle brother not so much. Third child doesn't have a baby book that I recall and HE is clearly the "child who can do no wrong". Go figure.
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Barb, I'm the oldest. My younger brother is 16 years younger. By the time he was born Mom had a baby nurse at first, plus a full time housekeeper. Badbro is filled out in detail and it goes up thru college. Plus she had complete photo albums for he and his wife and their children and grandchildren. There was a baby picture of my son and that was it for my family. She had her favorite and it was clear cut. I burnt all of those too. 
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Upset,
Mom has individual boxes with all things from childhood in them, I refuse to go through them, I don't want to take that trip down memory lane. When she passes, I will have their piles ready for them with all their personal stuff Mom saved and they can have it.
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Wow, Upset! That's flooring, for sure.
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My brother and I had a lengthy discussion after Mom died about what to do with stuff. We decided based on how we had been treated by Mom, brother and his family that we would go thru everything, make sure there was nothing important and then burn all paperwork, etc. We didn't want to have further contact with them and in light of the more recent events, I think it's the right decision. Throwing stuff in the burn barrel is about all the energy I want to expend on them.
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rainey - I deglazed the pan, added more onion and ginger and thickened the sauce a bit. It is very tasty, Adding a cream of some sort would be good too. Mmmm! Will definitely do it again. Some of my best cooking has come from mistakes! I know what you mean by reading the stories of others and thinking you don't have it THAT bad. Then I remember some of the nonsense and think that it was bad enough. During a particularly bad time my sister and mother walked past me in the street and refused to acknowledge me. That was hard. It was after that period of time that mother asked forgiveness and then got mad at me for not jumping at the opportunity. She also wanted me to leave my final year at university and come home so we could "sort things out". Oh yeah! Not!!! Giving up the notion that you can have any sort of normal sibling or parent relationship is not easy and takes a while.

upset - you are well named. Your mum's treatment of her children was very disturbed. The favouritism shines through and through and even now, when they are both gone, the dysfunction is the gift that keeps giving. I believe, in time, the memories will fade. I had forgotten that my mother had a crazy cousin who wanted me to leave my husband of that time, and 4 children to go look after her and her husband who had developed dementia..I know that she would have discussed it with my mother who would have supported her. Later Mother suggested I leave my life and home here and move into her apt building and look after her. She was delighted when I divorced as she thought I was more available to her then. Not a chance!!!

You are not only grieving their passing, but also the secondary losses due to the "family secrets" coming out. It is going to take a while.

Burn, baby, burn!

Tired.
Sick an' tired
Tired of being
sick an' tired.

Somehow seems appropriate.
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Golden,
The pork sounds great! I am learning "slow and low" on certain meats is really rewarding. Beef back ribs too, Mmmmmmmm. Rub seasoning of your choice, wrap them tightly in foil and low and slow for hours. Delicious.
Ah, the forgiveness guilt. My favorite. After years of horrible treatment, they decide to unburden themselves of guilt, and when you don't allow them to wash their hands clean and pretend it never happened, it's your fault AGAIN and you become the "bad one." Now THAT I am living right now. I am learning to not let it bother me because I see what a pathetic, desperate attempt at making themselves appear like they tried to mend the fences and WE would not accept it. Nice turning of the tables. Hey, as long as THEY sleep better at night, right?😉 Like I said, it is the final card they can play since all other facts point to them as the abuser, by asking "forgiveness" and "acting" like they are truly sorry for a good show in their favor "Look, I go to church now!" BFD. That does not serve as a magic eraser for them though they will use it to make us look like the callus person. I find it disgusting and unconscionable. People can say whatever they want, actions are what reveal the truth of those words.
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I spent the afternoon sorting and burning. PJ was here with his tribe. More than normal because a bunch are visiting before they go back to university. I got an email from my crazy cousin begging me to take care of her Mom. I sent back a one word response NO. Then I blocked her. PJ's two sons who are 40 ish had fun playing with the Atari and looking at 80's videos. It was a fun afternoon. Only it's so strange with no girls. He has some granddaughters but none of them came.
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rainey Low and slow for ribs is great. Must do some soon.

I still believe in forgiveness and I had already forgiven mother in my heart. That was for me!

I do NOT believe in being bullied into offering forgiveness to someone who has hurt me and who has not changed, but wants something to assuage their guilt. That is a different issue altogether. If your brother is truly penitent, he will have made his peace with his God, and that will relieve him more than anything you can do. He can wash his hands clean without your help. Otherwise it is just more abuse, IMO.

upset -we must stop cross posting lol. I figured you were working on stuff.Sounds like you had a  relaxing time which is great. You needed that. Hope the granddaughters turn up sometimes too.  That crazy cousin really is crazy - poor thing. Blocking is good.  Sometimes I want to build a moat and put crocodiles in it!
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Golden,
LOL!!!!!!!😂 I want a moat with alligators too!!!! A small castle will work to go along with the theme! Put some cannons on the roof, what fun!!! Suddenly, I get visions of Return of the Pink Panther.

Believe me, if brother had truly made a real effort to repair our relationship and it was not obviously to assuage his own guilt, I think I could have done it, but the deepest sincerity would have had to be present which it was not at all. All of his actions as well have told another story, always about him. It struck me when Upset found the check for her badbro's college tuition to which he dropped out. Almost same thing happened here. Oh well, I have my moment of quiet now until he decides to send another hate filled card and I am waiting for a call from Mom's sister to let me know how their self invited visit went. Curious to hear how he portrays me to my extended family that knows very little about me. It may give me some valuable insight if he plans to "pull anything" on me. Where are my alligators???? 🐊

Upset,
Jeez, what do they think you are, a carpet?
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Had an interesting day. Good friend - who has a lot of physical limitations due to her neuropathy - came to help me work on receipts to submit to the Trust. We chat as we go along with the work, of course, and she thinks I'm still having anxiety/panic and that THAT more than anything is why I'm having health issues. I think she's right... but also throw in some conversion disorder and a dose of very physical mold illness that made my preexisting autoimmune factor go into hyperdrive... and it's not so simple as "take my tonsils out, doc." I know that she's right. I wish she weren't, because I don't want a complicated puzzle with many pieces with my health stuff. But, that is what I have. Why do I think that some of you reading this might be nodding "of course it is, dear," lol. I'm painfully slow to acknowledge that I still have mental health symptoms that won't be fixed by simply wishing them away. 💚

Talked to my dad today, told him I was going to submit the old receipts, and talked to him about ... he knows he's going to be ok, yes?  He's set for life, he can make it on what he has due to social programs, and my dad gets that and I think that helps him feel ok.  I told him that any money I get (which remains to be seen) will help me be able to move on.  He seemed very much ok with it.  My mom on the other hand... lol.  Well, we just won't tell her, since it's none of her biz, but she'll find out.  And I'll get some questions.  I can handle questions, though. ;-)  

I am on a bit of time rush to get these receipts all done and turned in, since my gut tells me Trust Officer will be on my side with this. I don't want a newbie who doesn't know the situation being my first go-to for support with this.  It's quite a bit of money, when I total everything.  I thought it might be, but... yep.  It is.  Even 50% of the amount would help.  I'm trying not to get too ahead of myself but I have given some thought to what I am willing to do if they Trust categorically denies reimbursement.  I don't think they will.  Fingers crossed.  :-) 
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Ali,
I was diagnosed with depression/anxiety when I was 21. They never fully dissapear no matter how we wish them away, but it takes a lot of work to keep them under control when things in life start getting super stressful. It will always be a battle for me but I am pretty good at mananging it most of the time. Other times, not so much. Be sure you see a well qualified doctor to help you get your anxiety at a manageable level. Then, check on your other health issues.
No, no newbie's handling the trust! I will keep fingers crossed for you and hope all turns out smoothly!
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Cleaning out the drawers in the dining room buffet. Lots of old linens. More papers. I'm going to have to read through some of them. There are old gas and oil leases for mineral rights in another county. Not sure who owns. Also found a bunch of old coins. I'll have to have those appraised. Also found some old paper money from Civil War era - both sides. Kind of interesting going thru old junk.

Moats and alligators - a very good idea for all dysfunctional families.

Talked to younger brother. I was thinking about him building a cottage. Financially it would save him about $12000 to build a wing onto my house. Power and water are already here. We could work out the ownership details. There is a way to build on without changing the style of the house and also a way for both of us to maintain our privacy.

Rainey, It will be interesting to see how your brother's visit to your aunt turns out. My crazy cousin and her mother went uninvited to relatives homes all over the country. I never understood why.
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Ali, Do see a good doc for mental health and physical issues. Mental definitely affects physical. I never see someone for therapy until they've had a physical evaluation and if necessary a psych evaluation. Part of that is because of state requirements for appropriate supervision for prescribing antidepressants and anxiety medications. Laws may be very different in your state. I'm a clinical psychologist and can make a clinical diagnosis and refer to psychiatrist for meds, but I cannot write a prescription. I hope you can get your physical health back on track. It's no fun to not feel well and to have nagging health concerns.
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Cmag, thanks for opening this thread its good to be here.
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Wow Upset,
Sounds like some very exciting historical finds, I love stuff like that! Should be very entertaining 😊
Yes, would be great to have alligators and moats, I will just have to settle for a security camera.
Sounds like fun as well designing an adjoining wing to the house to have brother. You have good contractors so should be smooth sailing! I would think it would also be a comfort to you knowing he was there.
Yeah, inviting oneself to visit with relatives you barely know? I don't know your thoughts but to me, it is the height of rudeness and just bad manners. I would never even show up at a friends unannounced! It's so selfish just assuming they are sitting there waiting for you to drop everything to accomodate them. Mom taught me manners but somehow that was lost on him. So embarrassing! I can only imagine what they will think of him and his half fried brain. How I wish I could pretend we were not related! I also would never dream of asking for so much as a dime from any of them. I would go to a poor house first.
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Golden every word of advice I have read that you gave has been Golden. I wish you were my neighbor :). I guess with all you have been through, you see the root to the problem.

I was very shocked at myself when I finally "saw" the truth about my mother and sister. I couldn't believe how I could "not see the truth" and still holding on but accept the truth. My mind can't fanthom certain things so I put blinders on.

Rainy, right on. I missed Stacey's comment on nose picking, but for what its worth its an old habit for me sometimes lol. I got caught talking to my son on video call, didn't even realize.

Upset, I will probably be in same situation in future. My sister does not have a clue to caregiving or anything. But when she thought I was trying to get house or money when I was only trying to get meals for my mother, I realized what she is about. She was vicious about it too! Posioned my Nephew with it. I couldn't believe the other day when the guy bought food that she even touched it.

Sometimes I feel I should save receipts. Its a lot of work for some one unorganized like myself. When I think of it I resort to leaving it in God's Hands. I think when it comes to court, the judges have great insight and experience probable have little flag phrases or something that betrays the liar and thief and user. I don't know. I just wish you the best and I somehow feel that when it all comes out in the wash, You and brother will be the ones left standing. You have so much all ready. It amazes me how people don't even care, lift a finger to the house or the person to help then come running to make claims on property and money. Best wishes in my heart for you. Its funny how the ones who do all the work see the need for counseling. I wish I could get some real professional help.
Ditto BArbs, keep that documentation.
Stacey, that is a D$#%M shame. Now that is something I would keep. It so sad and I am sure they knew what they were doing. You make the monster, you feed it.
I have no idea what kind of money my mother has given my sister over the years but she has definetly given her plenty this I know and that's her prerogative but what hurts is Im the one who came and cleaned and cooked for affairs and shopped with my on funds but when I was down and out. They both gave me their asses to kiss they were very happy. I learned on the second time I asked for a dollar. Then I stopped. I didn't want for anything because of the Grace of God but it sure hurt the way I was treated knowing they would not have even had to ask, I always gave. Oh well....
I have to believe that natural justice will take its course.
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DDuck, Does your state/county have a mental health office? They may be able to help you find a counselor/therapist who works pro bono or sliding scale fee. I know I have two clients that are  assigned to me because I do two hours per week pro bono.

It's difficult to know that you've always been willing to give and help but, know that would not be done for you.

Simplest way to keep receipts is get a composition or spiral notebook. Tape each receipt to a page. Write a note on the page of the date and what the expense was for. Then you have it all together when you need it.
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Upset,
Good advice for DD.
DD, as nice as that sounds leaving the paperwork in God's hands, I would not count on a Judge understanding that point of view. Not trying to sound harsh but in a court of law, they deal with facts and proof thereof. Please listen to Upset and keep your records, receipts if you feel they will be called into question in a court. They will look upon you much more favorably if you have kept good records. Yes, it's a pain, I am not the greatest either and truly hate paperwork as well. I am not terribly worried about it as I keep seperate folders of any purchases and copies of all bills, medical stuff, any work done to her place. Little stuff like grocery store shopping (small stuff) I often forget but all records could get pulled if it were needed. They have no way to make up stories because I have saved all of it. Make different folders for bills, expenses, medical, and all you need to do is file receipts in proper folders.
You should also keep a record of what you do for her daily, her behaviour, how many hours spent, laundry, cleaning, shopping, bathing, driving to appts., cooking, whatever. This all accounts for money you are SAVING her vs. paying a professional or being in a facility. Buy a thick school type binder for your notes, CYA DD! It will also help you for anything you need to look back on for reference. Wish I would have kept a journal a long time ago but now that I cannot work anymore because it is not safe to leave her alone on the property anymore, I did start one. Oh, and do you have medical insurance and if so, are you paying for it or is she? 
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Rainey, The historical stuff is kind of fun. I keep finding stuff. I found an ancient cracked leather women's wallet. It had voter registration from the 30's for my great grandmother.

Question for everyone. This week our group therapy topic is negativity - caregivers and the person for whom they are caring. Any suggestions would be much appreciated.
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