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Something like that happened to me about a year ago here. I laid low for a while and came back. Such good folks here, and you're one of them, Upset.

I can only imagine how raw you must feel, given what you've been through the past 7 or so years. Be gentle with yourself. You're among friends here. ((((Hugs)))))
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upset - Expected to move on??? I don't think so. You are a wonderful resource and participant on the thread. ((((((hugs))))

It is very easy after the experiences and losses you have had, to misunderstand.

sharyn, ali, glad and any others whose lives have moved on - you are still part of the community, you are still dealing, healing and sharing.

Group (((((((((((hug))))))))
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Upset,
You are well loved here, nobody wants you to go!!!! *Hugs* You are like a kindred spirit to me, and I am sure it had to be a misunderstanding.
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Thanks all. I'm easily confused after the last couple of weeks.

Barb, I think you're who said a lawsuit was on the way. It arrived FedEx this evening. My brother and I are being sued for $1,750,000.00 and the proceeds from the sale of the duplex. They state that I fraudulently gained possession of the family farm, my Mom's estate. They stated my brother and I together unduly influenced our brother to gain the proceeds of his life insurance and retirement account. They sued in court in the WV county where the farm is located. I called the attorney there and he said he would take care of the situation. Said that all that will happen is the judge will throw it out and they will be ordered to pay my legal expenses. We do have to give my SIL 1/2 of my brothers 401k. I got a cashier's check for that and made a copy of the letter from the 401k company and sent certified mail to my SIL. I wish this would all end. I read an article in a family psychology journal this afternoon. The conclusion is basically dysfunction is never over as long as there are family members left. That's an unpleasant thought.

Rainey, Got a preliminary plan for house addition - exterior elevations and interiors floor plan. Faxed to my brother. He loved them. Said for me to move ahead and let him know how I wanted to handle money/ownership. He laughed at all the "senior" features I included. I pointed out to him that those AARP would be in his mailboxes shortly.

For those with insurance claims- as a provider I have to bill Medicare, Medicaid and an private ins. companies. I bill all appointments weekly. If I bill this week for Medicare I will get paid in October or November. It doesn't matter what normal charges are in my area. I get paid $33.00 with no co-pay for the patient. They will pay for one 50 minute session per month. Even though the paperwork for the session takes another 50 minutes. Medicaid is similar, but if I file electronically by Friday at noon, Maine Medicaid pays the following Tuesday. Private insurances are all over the place and they lose billing info and I have to refile.  But most of them do have co-pays. The only upside to my practice is I'm a state certified alcohol counselor for court ordered counseling for DUI's. To get driver's license back they have to have 8 sessions and they have to pay $110.00 cash at each session and send payment receipt to the court. Sad, but I have more alcohol counseling than I want to do. I worked at the hospital, but retired because I had to follow their schedule. But with private practice you have the overhead for office space, etc. I'm lucky that I found office space in PJ's sons office who is a Family Practice doc. My space is very reasonable and my patients have a private entrance. and waiting room. I lucked with the space because the prior psychologist moved to Florida.
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UpsetSister, gosh, I'm glad we cleared that up! You and your vast knowledge, and your willingness to share has been a huge inspiration to me and so many others! I'd be very sad if you left us, as you've only just begun to share your wealth of information and experience with dysfunctional families, grief, and everything in between!

I think it's easy to sometimes misinterpret things mentioned on the Web. I know that my tablet often blurts out and mysteriously types things that I never meant to be typed, which is why I always Try to proofread what I've written, and I still miss half of my mistakes! I swear my tablet is haunted!

No way, please don't go! We need you here, and I personally have come to Love you, your sense of community spirit, your sense of humor and your friendship!

I think that when folks lose their LO's, they sometimes think that it's time to move on, but I think that that is when their experiences shared here  are the most valuable, plus that's when they need this board the most, when so many other things come to light, the pain of loss, family strife, and so much more! We never stop learning from each other!

The way in which you managed your zany family during the lead up your your Mom's moving closer to you, to your support of her during her living there, to her passing and how you handled all of her affairs, and then your brother relations and inlaw troubles, his passing, and now the Caregivers groups that you have facilitated, WOW, I have said it before, you are a Powerhouse umongst Women, and have so much to share here! I'm glad it was a misunderstanding, and you aren't leaving us! 👍❤👏
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UPSETSISTER, OMG and WTF? Them suing You, now I've heard Everything! If SIL legitimacy has something coming to her, now that I can understand, but where in the heck did she come up with well over a Million dollars? After Everything that family has Stolen from You, your good brother and your Mother, then She is Nuttier than a fruitcake! I'm sure you will be happy to see the back of her! The sooner the better!
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Thanks Stacey! I call my son Stacey occasionally. Had he been a girl he was going to be Stacey Beth. His kids find it hilarious and call him Daddy Stacey at times.
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trying to catch up here

upset - such interesting finds!!! You are a go-getter - plans for an addition already. Let us know how the session on negativity goes. Glad you have a good office space. Your billing sounds onerous.

rainey - sorry you saw such awful conditions. I don't think all are like that. You are a vanishing breed. So many these days do not take responsibility for their work - you have to do it for them.

ff -good points

tg - throw them all out sounds like a solution to me. Start with dd and sil. They can rent. They don't have to buy right away.

stacey ((((((((hugs)))))) - fil is so lucky to have you. It sounds like he is on a downhill path again. Please do utilize all the help you can get. You must feel like you are on a merry-go-round.

veronica - very good words for stacey

nature - I am a lover not a fighter too, but when I got this latest email, steam started coming out my ears. I hate it too.

Was supposed to take my granddaughter out, but she is grounded. Will try again tomorrow. This bug is still around but not as bad. I guess it will take a while yet.

I think R and I will need to go to the adjuster's office with hard copies of the various submissions and show the adjuster what the originals look like and what was left out in what they sent us back. I don't think she will get it otherwise. I am not sure if she is stalling, or incompetent, or both. Frankly, I am wondering if she has a reading problem. The guy who did the evac expenses was straightforward and clear - no problems whatsoever. I contacted our current adjuster's boss explaining the situation and he has responded having, obviously, just listened to her. So I put it all in words of one syllable again and sent it back to him. I am used to writing instructions for high school level students. I don't think our adjuster has achieved that level of reading. It would explain why she missed some questions and points in previous emails. Or she may just be being difficult. I want this over!!!

A little bit of rain cleared away some of the BC smoke in the air which is good. Weather is in the 70s ahead, and some days lower. The first frost will usually come the by the end of August. The lads who did the lawn cut it too short last time and then we had a little really hot weather, so it is yellow and crunchy in places. Hoping it will recover with a some watering. Take care all.
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Rainey, Upset, thank you so much. I see the light you both gave me perspective and also a way. Thanks so much I am on it 1st thing tomarrow. I will get my compositions books and scotch tape and put them where I empty my receipts. Thanks amundo ladies!!!!!! It sounds easy enough, I see the wisdom in being prepared. :)!
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Veronica that was right on. Stacey its good to see back on the board. My heart and prayers are with you and your husband taking care of your FIL. Its a wonderful thing you working together for his optimal comfort and care during this time.
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Golden, We get frost around 9/15. But I've noticed the loons on the lake are acting weird. I hope that doesn't mean early frost. Frost is at hand when they fly south. I used to think they went south to NC or FL. Turns out they're so bottom heavy they only fly as far south in the state or New England as they have to - to find an open lake without ice. I cut all my cabbage heads today and all of the broccoli. I've cut cabbage and started crocks of sauerkraut. Have frozen broccoli. Tomorrow Two of PJ's grandsons are digging potatoes and laying out on tables in the shed to dry.
I have 5 hrs of alcohol counseling tomorrow. This is a busy week.
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Duck - you are a sweetie. Hope you manage to keep records. I know it isn't easy.

upset - Oh well. They won't get far, but it is unpleasant. I thought they were not to contact you. Can you follow up on that? They truly are out of touch with reality. Getting half of the 401k to them may keep them quiet for a while...or not.  You are having a busy week. 
I don't doubt that as long as there are family members, there is dysfunction. That is why I am going no contact with sis, and will with her dd and sil if I have to. I have no regrets or remorse about that decision.
Poor loons. I love them and their calls. We had them on the lake in Northern Ontario. We would try to sneak close to them in a canoe but they always dove under and came up further away.
I eat sauerkraut regularly for the probiotics. There is only only one good kind that I can buy here. Love broccoli, brussels sprouts, cabbage and cauliflower. I made some mashed cauliflower today with a little onion, ghee (instead of butter), salt and pepper and it was quite good.
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So glad that is cleared up! See Upset, you are loved and valued here, nobody wants you to go! Sorry I am laughing at your ridiculous inlaws, so they think they have a case? What desperate lawyer will pro bono these nutjobs? Obviously they don't have the money or they wouldn't have tried ripping off stuff! Let them have their check for 401K and tell em to shove off, permanently!

I knew your brother would be thrilled with your plans, tell him you know someone who knows ADA design and can help with designing the kitchens and bathrooms. LOL!!!!!!! That will get him giggling 😉.
I will be looking forward to hearing about the progress as the project starts.

Golden,
Thanks, I do live by the "Golden Rule" and would never imagine agreeing to work with someone then do a half hearted job. No way. I always treated everyone's design with as much care as if I was doing it for myself.
I hope you get better soon, you are a wonderful woman too! Gotta get you feeling good again! 😊

I feel so lucky to have such wonderful people to talk with here, you are all valued and I look forward everyday to reading and responding. It is my sanity. 🤗
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Golden I started taking oregano oil a few years back. But only to avoid colds and around flu season. Now I take it daily until I run out and have to buy again. It really helps its a naural antibiotic as is turmeric. I take that now and again especially when I get the pains in my knees. Turmeric is also good for the brain and lots of other things. I take the oregano capsules now but started with a few drops of the oil daily. Also NAC, n acetyl cysteine is awesome for the lungs. Been taking these for about three years I increased dosage haven't had a cold in quite a while. I catch a cold my lungs get messed up for months. I take about 2ooomg a day and if I feel something going on double that. May help with these viruses floating around and hitting hard sometimes. Also the flu shot is a win win, It also decreases the severity of colds. All Just for future reference. I still use the cammomile soap religiously I will always be grateful to you for that piece of advice. I haven't had a boil since I started using it. What almost 3 years.
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rainey thx This board helps a lot. I am getting over the bug - slowly.

duck - oregano might be a good idea for me. Mother used to take it. The oil is a little hard to take but capsules would be fine. I take turmeric daily. NAC is good for various things. My lungs are good. I felt a little something there with this bug but it passes quickly for me. Flu shots are probably a good idea, Don't think it was me about the camomile soap. I have never used it, but I am glad it works for you.

Bedtime here - hope everyone has a good night.
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Golden, I asked if that wasn't illegal contact. A lawsuit isn't considered personal contact. My attorney says they got some young guy just out of law school. He says as soon as the judge sees the documentation of my uncle's will leaving me the farm, my mom's will, brother's will, insurance agents statement about the beneficiary change, and itemization of what they stole, and duplex deal, it will be thrown out by the judge. He says he may get it done tomorrow. I hope so. I want to be done with them. 

Got an email from the monument company. Had a photo of brother's monument. They said it will be placed in 30 days. Also sent a photo of the final engraving on Mom's and footstone in place. It's like this stuff is never ending. 
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DD,
Glad you will start keeping your records in order, if your Sis tries pulling any BS, you will be so glad you did this!!!!

Stacey,
God love you I don't know how your doing it all. I am unsure what I would do in the same position. Maybe because I know I still have Mom to deal with when she gets really bad and I am not looking forward to that. I will have little to no help either unless hospice becomes necessary. I pray she will not suffer. If my husband asked me to help with either of his parents, after the experience with Mom, I would most likely decline. After this, I want my life back, however much of it I will have left. That is why I call you an angel. 👼

I long for peace and no more fear of dysfunction in my life even if it is for a short time. Unfortunately, I do not see that happening anytime soon. I can't remember a time in my life when I had that true feeling of peace and not feeling like I have to be ready for the next battle to arise.
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The feelings of time to move on, I think, is partially due to AC. We fill out profiles about our caregiving situations. But nowhere is there an option to select previous caregiver or even that your loved one has passed. I emailed AC about just that last week. The person I emailed said she would offer it up as a suggestion. Stay tuned. Even my profile options nothing is appropriate for me any longer. So the past six years have no value to AC or anyone else here? Nope, I do not think so, but the profile options would make some feel excluded and even unwanted. Not very well thought options, IMHO.
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Glad, I didn't even think of that. All I did, after my dad passed away, was to just add a single line Update at the bottom. Maybe later, I will see if I should shorten it a bit.
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gladimhere, great insight!
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displaced is what I call it. My life is very displaced right now. No longer a caregiver, my surroundings are unfamiliar as in ease of going to a particular store without possibly getting lost, lol!! Just plain physically wore out.
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Upset, sending the photo is part of follow up. It's to make sure that you know it actually got set in place and let you see the final product. It's common when the person setting it up is out of town like you in Maine. It's supposed to help make sure that any errors are caught early. My mother's last name was like Davy from the alamo - right? Her plaque that my brother caught spelling error on had her as Croquette, as in the chicken dish which incidentally my mother loved:) It was fixed, but only after my brother and SIL went into the facility and had complete meltdown. It turned out my sister didn't catch a spelling error and signed off with it wrong - but the funeral home made good on a correction technically they didn't have to do. So it is somewhat never ending for the first 6 months.
With regard to lawsuit - you know that lawyer comes up with enough to have their 30% covered with the person's property...People sue for things all the time that they are not entitled to (my sister works in the auto insurance industry, nuff said). Insurance companies settle, people settle - to make people go away. Does the check need to go through court to make the lawsuit go away? I'm sure you've checked with lawyer but...
My great grandmother inherited a huge amount of money from her husband. My grandmother walked away from the family and never took care of my great grandmother. My great aunt kept GGM with her, taking her with her to live even when she got married late in life, her husband called them "a package deal" and loved GGM. When GGM died and left all money to great aunt, my grandmother sued her sister who had provided all care for half of estate as it was "owed to her". GM got half, paid about 35% to attorney, and hunkered down with no sister for rest of her life. My aunt did not share money left by GM with my mother but spent using power of attorney held by aunt for grandmother while aunt LIVED WITH MY MOTHER RENT FREE. Aunt felt she "deserved money" since my mother worked and had pensions and aunt did not. My mother said she didn't seek legal options because NO ONE WINS. Mom's youngest son died at 29 of overdose, grandmother next year. My mom was enmeshed but she also watched grandmother left alone in life with no sister and convinced money was the only reason family was around. Sad... Pay what the law requires - like you did with 401K - document and then let it go. Aren't you glad not every scrap was burned? You gave your lawyer what he needs. Fresh out of law school guy probably never got memo or decided chasing ambulances was hard work....don't leave the site. You will help others and you are a great example of grace under pressure and HOW TO HANDLE LEGAL ISSUES and WIN.
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You made the move at a good time in your life, Sharyn, imho. Yes, all this new *everything* to learn and get used to in your new area, but you have time and enough brain capacity (and then some lol) left to do it, to make the changes, and grow old (not any time soon! just eventually) close to your daughter and grands. I hope it starts feeling more routine soon.

Glad, it would be great if AC saw the wisdom in allowing previous caregivers to feel at home here. A full time, hands on caregiver, doesn't have much if any extra time/energy to give to the others on this site. Previous caregivers turn the gears around here, providing most of the answers to the new questions.

Upset, I'm sorry that you're still dealing with fresh hits from SIL, bro's passing. You're crossing things off the list, though, which I personally find fulfilling: monument is being done, half of 401k is disbursed, you have attorney to handle the lawsuit. They can't harass you anymore without repercussion. I'm trying to see a silver lining for you and there is one, but I'm sorry for all the pain of it. There is a saying I read a few months ago that resonated with me as a fitting description of this chapter of my life, the end of caregiving life: "The way out of hell is through misery." The things I'm dealing with now are no fun, but I'm walking my way up and out of "hell," though, one project at a time. I wish you peace and love in every day right now. ((((hugs))))


Hi, all. Happy Tuesday! It's such a mild summer in Chicago area, I don't really know what to think of it. Summer overnights are getting down into the low 60s and supposed to be dip into the 50s this weekend. Seems very cool for this time of year. It's pear season right now and the 60' tree in back yard is serving them up daily -- all day every day. The tree is extra heavy with them this year, the most I've seen. I just mostly give them away and throw them away but I think I'll advertise locally and see if someone wants to come get some.
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Lawyer called. Judge dismissed lawsuit on lack of grounds. Wills were properly executed. My brother took correct steps for changing beneficiary. Plus he had written a letter to the insurance agent and had notarized. SIL and children were told they were entitled to the $1.00 my brother left each of them and that because of federal law she would get 1/2 of his 401k which is on it's way to her. He also told them he was notifying other courts and attorneys in the state and in Maine about their attempts to sue without cause. Lawyer said my SIL went ballistic when the judge read the letter from my brother about all of the stuff they had involved him in and that he hoped they got what they deserved some day.

I simply want it all to be done. My lawyer says they have no options now because they now are forbidden to attempt to take me to court for a frivolous, unwarranted lawsuit.
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Wow, Upset, Good legal outcome. I hate to say this, but watch out for the ILLEGAL payback. These folks sound terribly vicious.
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Rainey, My contractor is doing final plans. Will pull permits and start construction in a week or two. I'll be living in a noisy house for probably 6 months. My brother will be moved in with me during construction. But that's no big deal.
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Congrats upset. It's great to hear the good side win. Sounds like the area you live in is patrolled, you have freezes on credit based on skanky behavior before, and law enforcement is on notice about son. Fingers crossed. Maybe the eclipse will cause them to transmogrify....
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Wow Upset,
So happy to hear the Judge made her snap!!!! LOL!!!! I love hearing justice being done 😆 I hope she gets what she deserves someday too! Hopefully, this is the end of it but with nutjobs, like my badbro, you just can never be sure. *Sighs*
Having your brother with you will help give you peace of mind and you can help give each other emotional support. Sounds like a win, win to me! Really happy for you and hope you get everything wrapped up (at least on the outside) before winter starts. After all you two just went through, lean on each other to get through this chapter. It is still very fresh.
How did your "negativity" group go?
Sorry to hear you have all those alcoholic cases, that can't be pleasant.
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Thanks Ali, I don't regret the move at all. It is this adjustment will take some time. I have days where I am in a funk. When I can get out by myself to explore, I feel better. All in good time.
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upset -sounds like it is winding down, though there always are loose ends to tie up for a while, So glad the judge threw it out and notified others about them. She went ballistic, eh? Seems fitting. So your bro will move in rather than renting? Good luck living with all the building. At least your area will be intact. I am gkad you have one another for support.
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rainey - I know the longing for peace. For a while my mantra was "Just leave me alone". I googled it once and it led me to borderline personality mothers.

glad -you have brought up a very good point. I hope admin responds positively. There needs to be a place here for "retired" caregivers.

sharyn - I can imagine it will take you a while to adjust. Hopefully the grands off set that somewhat. I much prefer going to stores with which I am familiar. Moving to E'ton area things should not be very strange for me.

guest -people's sense of entitlement floors me sometimes!!! The eclipse? Why not?

ali - I responded to your sinus issues but not the sore throats etc Have you had a thorough check up recently? Continual sore throats, to me, show an infection and are not normal. Sorry the job hunt is not productive yet. It is good you have some help getting your receipts together for submission to trust. Sounds like your girlfriend is a survivor. Mmm fresh pears...

barb - that kind of anger and dysfunction could well bring some additional trouble.

The headache seems to have gone Yeah! At its worst it was like having labor pains in my forehead. Now I am just tired and a little ditzy. Not sleeping well and need to get back on track. What's new?

Have a good day, everyone!
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