
Many of us, myself included, come from a dysfunctional family which adds a lot of weight to the challenges of caregiving. I have read stores on various threads on other topics and decided it would be good to have a thread just for this topic for people to share, vent and discuss.
The idea for this thread originated on the thread named "The Caregiver....How are YOU doing today?"
I can only imagine how raw you must feel, given what you've been through the past 7 or so years. Be gentle with yourself. You're among friends here. ((((Hugs)))))
It is very easy after the experiences and losses you have had, to misunderstand.
sharyn, ali, glad and any others whose lives have moved on - you are still part of the community, you are still dealing, healing and sharing.
Group (((((((((((hug))))))))
You are well loved here, nobody wants you to go!!!! *Hugs* You are like a kindred spirit to me, and I am sure it had to be a misunderstanding.
Barb, I think you're who said a lawsuit was on the way. It arrived FedEx this evening. My brother and I are being sued for $1,750,000.00 and the proceeds from the sale of the duplex. They state that I fraudulently gained possession of the family farm, my Mom's estate. They stated my brother and I together unduly influenced our brother to gain the proceeds of his life insurance and retirement account. They sued in court in the WV county where the farm is located. I called the attorney there and he said he would take care of the situation. Said that all that will happen is the judge will throw it out and they will be ordered to pay my legal expenses. We do have to give my SIL 1/2 of my brothers 401k. I got a cashier's check for that and made a copy of the letter from the 401k company and sent certified mail to my SIL. I wish this would all end. I read an article in a family psychology journal this afternoon. The conclusion is basically dysfunction is never over as long as there are family members left. That's an unpleasant thought.
Rainey, Got a preliminary plan for house addition - exterior elevations and interiors floor plan. Faxed to my brother. He loved them. Said for me to move ahead and let him know how I wanted to handle money/ownership. He laughed at all the "senior" features I included. I pointed out to him that those AARP would be in his mailboxes shortly.
For those with insurance claims- as a provider I have to bill Medicare, Medicaid and an private ins. companies. I bill all appointments weekly. If I bill this week for Medicare I will get paid in October or November. It doesn't matter what normal charges are in my area. I get paid $33.00 with no co-pay for the patient. They will pay for one 50 minute session per month. Even though the paperwork for the session takes another 50 minutes. Medicaid is similar, but if I file electronically by Friday at noon, Maine Medicaid pays the following Tuesday. Private insurances are all over the place and they lose billing info and I have to refile. But most of them do have co-pays. The only upside to my practice is I'm a state certified alcohol counselor for court ordered counseling for DUI's. To get driver's license back they have to have 8 sessions and they have to pay $110.00 cash at each session and send payment receipt to the court. Sad, but I have more alcohol counseling than I want to do. I worked at the hospital, but retired because I had to follow their schedule. But with private practice you have the overhead for office space, etc. I'm lucky that I found office space in PJ's sons office who is a Family Practice doc. My space is very reasonable and my patients have a private entrance. and waiting room. I lucked with the space because the prior psychologist moved to Florida.
I think it's easy to sometimes misinterpret things mentioned on the Web. I know that my tablet often blurts out and mysteriously types things that I never meant to be typed, which is why I always Try to proofread what I've written, and I still miss half of my mistakes! I swear my tablet is haunted!
No way, please don't go! We need you here, and I personally have come to Love you, your sense of community spirit, your sense of humor and your friendship!
I think that when folks lose their LO's, they sometimes think that it's time to move on, but I think that that is when their experiences shared here are the most valuable, plus that's when they need this board the most, when so many other things come to light, the pain of loss, family strife, and so much more! We never stop learning from each other!
The way in which you managed your zany family during the lead up your your Mom's moving closer to you, to your support of her during her living there, to her passing and how you handled all of her affairs, and then your brother relations and inlaw troubles, his passing, and now the Caregivers groups that you have facilitated, WOW, I have said it before, you are a Powerhouse umongst Women, and have so much to share here! I'm glad it was a misunderstanding, and you aren't leaving us! 👍❤👏
upset - such interesting finds!!! You are a go-getter - plans for an addition already. Let us know how the session on negativity goes. Glad you have a good office space. Your billing sounds onerous.
rainey - sorry you saw such awful conditions. I don't think all are like that. You are a vanishing breed. So many these days do not take responsibility for their work - you have to do it for them.
ff -good points
tg - throw them all out sounds like a solution to me. Start with dd and sil. They can rent. They don't have to buy right away.
stacey ((((((((hugs)))))) - fil is so lucky to have you. It sounds like he is on a downhill path again. Please do utilize all the help you can get. You must feel like you are on a merry-go-round.
veronica - very good words for stacey
nature - I am a lover not a fighter too, but when I got this latest email, steam started coming out my ears. I hate it too.
Was supposed to take my granddaughter out, but she is grounded. Will try again tomorrow. This bug is still around but not as bad. I guess it will take a while yet.
I think R and I will need to go to the adjuster's office with hard copies of the various submissions and show the adjuster what the originals look like and what was left out in what they sent us back. I don't think she will get it otherwise. I am not sure if she is stalling, or incompetent, or both. Frankly, I am wondering if she has a reading problem. The guy who did the evac expenses was straightforward and clear - no problems whatsoever. I contacted our current adjuster's boss explaining the situation and he has responded having, obviously, just listened to her. So I put it all in words of one syllable again and sent it back to him. I am used to writing instructions for high school level students. I don't think our adjuster has achieved that level of reading. It would explain why she missed some questions and points in previous emails. Or she may just be being difficult. I want this over!!!
A little bit of rain cleared away some of the BC smoke in the air which is good. Weather is in the 70s ahead, and some days lower. The first frost will usually come the by the end of August. The lads who did the lawn cut it too short last time and then we had a little really hot weather, so it is yellow and crunchy in places. Hoping it will recover with a some watering. Take care all.
I have 5 hrs of alcohol counseling tomorrow. This is a busy week.
upset - Oh well. They won't get far, but it is unpleasant. I thought they were not to contact you. Can you follow up on that? They truly are out of touch with reality. Getting half of the 401k to them may keep them quiet for a while...or not. You are having a busy week.
I don't doubt that as long as there are family members, there is dysfunction. That is why I am going no contact with sis, and will with her dd and sil if I have to. I have no regrets or remorse about that decision.
Poor loons. I love them and their calls. We had them on the lake in Northern Ontario. We would try to sneak close to them in a canoe but they always dove under and came up further away.
I eat sauerkraut regularly for the probiotics. There is only only one good kind that I can buy here. Love broccoli, brussels sprouts, cabbage and cauliflower. I made some mashed cauliflower today with a little onion, ghee (instead of butter), salt and pepper and it was quite good.
I knew your brother would be thrilled with your plans, tell him you know someone who knows ADA design and can help with designing the kitchens and bathrooms. LOL!!!!!!! That will get him giggling 😉.
I will be looking forward to hearing about the progress as the project starts.
Golden,
Thanks, I do live by the "Golden Rule" and would never imagine agreeing to work with someone then do a half hearted job. No way. I always treated everyone's design with as much care as if I was doing it for myself.
I hope you get better soon, you are a wonderful woman too! Gotta get you feeling good again! 😊
I feel so lucky to have such wonderful people to talk with here, you are all valued and I look forward everyday to reading and responding. It is my sanity. 🤗
duck - oregano might be a good idea for me. Mother used to take it. The oil is a little hard to take but capsules would be fine. I take turmeric daily. NAC is good for various things. My lungs are good. I felt a little something there with this bug but it passes quickly for me. Flu shots are probably a good idea, Don't think it was me about the camomile soap. I have never used it, but I am glad it works for you.
Bedtime here - hope everyone has a good night.
Got an email from the monument company. Had a photo of brother's monument. They said it will be placed in 30 days. Also sent a photo of the final engraving on Mom's and footstone in place. It's like this stuff is never ending.
Glad you will start keeping your records in order, if your Sis tries pulling any BS, you will be so glad you did this!!!!
Stacey,
God love you I don't know how your doing it all. I am unsure what I would do in the same position. Maybe because I know I still have Mom to deal with when she gets really bad and I am not looking forward to that. I will have little to no help either unless hospice becomes necessary. I pray she will not suffer. If my husband asked me to help with either of his parents, after the experience with Mom, I would most likely decline. After this, I want my life back, however much of it I will have left. That is why I call you an angel. 👼
I long for peace and no more fear of dysfunction in my life even if it is for a short time. Unfortunately, I do not see that happening anytime soon. I can't remember a time in my life when I had that true feeling of peace and not feeling like I have to be ready for the next battle to arise.
With regard to lawsuit - you know that lawyer comes up with enough to have their 30% covered with the person's property...People sue for things all the time that they are not entitled to (my sister works in the auto insurance industry, nuff said). Insurance companies settle, people settle - to make people go away. Does the check need to go through court to make the lawsuit go away? I'm sure you've checked with lawyer but...
My great grandmother inherited a huge amount of money from her husband. My grandmother walked away from the family and never took care of my great grandmother. My great aunt kept GGM with her, taking her with her to live even when she got married late in life, her husband called them "a package deal" and loved GGM. When GGM died and left all money to great aunt, my grandmother sued her sister who had provided all care for half of estate as it was "owed to her". GM got half, paid about 35% to attorney, and hunkered down with no sister for rest of her life. My aunt did not share money left by GM with my mother but spent using power of attorney held by aunt for grandmother while aunt LIVED WITH MY MOTHER RENT FREE. Aunt felt she "deserved money" since my mother worked and had pensions and aunt did not. My mother said she didn't seek legal options because NO ONE WINS. Mom's youngest son died at 29 of overdose, grandmother next year. My mom was enmeshed but she also watched grandmother left alone in life with no sister and convinced money was the only reason family was around. Sad... Pay what the law requires - like you did with 401K - document and then let it go. Aren't you glad not every scrap was burned? You gave your lawyer what he needs. Fresh out of law school guy probably never got memo or decided chasing ambulances was hard work....don't leave the site. You will help others and you are a great example of grace under pressure and HOW TO HANDLE LEGAL ISSUES and WIN.
Glad, it would be great if AC saw the wisdom in allowing previous caregivers to feel at home here. A full time, hands on caregiver, doesn't have much if any extra time/energy to give to the others on this site. Previous caregivers turn the gears around here, providing most of the answers to the new questions.
Upset, I'm sorry that you're still dealing with fresh hits from SIL, bro's passing. You're crossing things off the list, though, which I personally find fulfilling: monument is being done, half of 401k is disbursed, you have attorney to handle the lawsuit. They can't harass you anymore without repercussion. I'm trying to see a silver lining for you and there is one, but I'm sorry for all the pain of it. There is a saying I read a few months ago that resonated with me as a fitting description of this chapter of my life, the end of caregiving life: "The way out of hell is through misery." The things I'm dealing with now are no fun, but I'm walking my way up and out of "hell," though, one project at a time. I wish you peace and love in every day right now. ((((hugs))))
Hi, all. Happy Tuesday! It's such a mild summer in Chicago area, I don't really know what to think of it. Summer overnights are getting down into the low 60s and supposed to be dip into the 50s this weekend. Seems very cool for this time of year. It's pear season right now and the 60' tree in back yard is serving them up daily -- all day every day. The tree is extra heavy with them this year, the most I've seen. I just mostly give them away and throw them away but I think I'll advertise locally and see if someone wants to come get some.
I simply want it all to be done. My lawyer says they have no options now because they now are forbidden to attempt to take me to court for a frivolous, unwarranted lawsuit.
So happy to hear the Judge made her snap!!!! LOL!!!! I love hearing justice being done 😆 I hope she gets what she deserves someday too! Hopefully, this is the end of it but with nutjobs, like my badbro, you just can never be sure. *Sighs*
Having your brother with you will help give you peace of mind and you can help give each other emotional support. Sounds like a win, win to me! Really happy for you and hope you get everything wrapped up (at least on the outside) before winter starts. After all you two just went through, lean on each other to get through this chapter. It is still very fresh.
How did your "negativity" group go?
Sorry to hear you have all those alcoholic cases, that can't be pleasant.
.
rainey - I know the longing for peace. For a while my mantra was "Just leave me alone". I googled it once and it led me to borderline personality mothers.
glad -you have brought up a very good point. I hope admin responds positively. There needs to be a place here for "retired" caregivers.
sharyn - I can imagine it will take you a while to adjust. Hopefully the grands off set that somewhat. I much prefer going to stores with which I am familiar. Moving to E'ton area things should not be very strange for me.
guest -people's sense of entitlement floors me sometimes!!! The eclipse? Why not?
ali - I responded to your sinus issues but not the sore throats etc Have you had a thorough check up recently? Continual sore throats, to me, show an infection and are not normal. Sorry the job hunt is not productive yet. It is good you have some help getting your receipts together for submission to trust. Sounds like your girlfriend is a survivor. Mmm fresh pears...
barb - that kind of anger and dysfunction could well bring some additional trouble.
The headache seems to have gone Yeah! At its worst it was like having labor pains in my forehead. Now I am just tired and a little ditzy. Not sleeping well and need to get back on track. What's new?
Have a good day, everyone!