The Caregiver & Dysfunctional Families: How are you doing?

I knew you would've responded about the sinus rinse with peroxide question, Golden. I didn't see that post, sorry. Looked around for it and just didn't see it. I went ahead and did a rinse and a cotton swab with some peroxide inside the nose, though. My dad's docs said that present day medical thinking is that hydrogen peroxide can irritate skin, so I use it sparingly. I am at a loss as to what else to try on my own. I still gargle with a dilution for my throat stuff, if something flares up on any given day.   

I'll get checked out by doc. I go on the 31st. Since it's a chronic issue and not acute, I'm not too concerned about going sooner than that. This will be the 3rd time I've been to doc in past couple of months and the previous times there was no diagnosis, other than to say "probably a bronchitis bug"  (and I agree, I did have some fluid in my lungs for a bit) and "it's not mono." The nodes (is that what they are?? I truly don't know...) become swollen and sore on and off for years, ever since mold, but have been noticeably worse after my late May vacation. I'm hoping that maybe an ENT person will be recommended, and then if there is no "cure," I'll at least know exactly what this ongoing and ongoing irritation is called. That's what I'm hoping for.

"tired and ditzy" Yep, I know the feeling. ;-) Sorry for your flare ups. I have a new appreciation for how limiting things like this can be. My girlfriend was going to help me finish up some work on receipts today but she said she is still recuperating from this weekend. Yikes. Personal health is so important!

Did the negativity session - it probably will be the topic next week as well. One issue that was well discussed was if you are the caregiver for a very negative senior and you absorb those negative attitudes; how do you get out of the trap. As one woman pointed out - the group is the only time she gets out. Her mother has an aide for 4 hours on Tuesday. She comes to the group for 90 minutes and then to the grocery and errands. She says her church no longer visits because her mother is verbally abusive; friends don't visit. She says family doesn't visit because they don't want to accept responsibility. I believe a great deal of caregiver negativity is the result of isolation and lack of family and social support. We have six women whose husband's have filed for divorce because of their caregiving. One woman said she didn't blame him she'd divorce herself if she could. No real solutions, but at least some got to vent their frustrations. I'm going to call the state agency on aging and see if they can get some more relief hours approved - maybe a second four hour block. Also going to talk to a couple of the local ministers to see if they have a way to get maybe s monthly visit to the caregiver - not shut them out because of the negative elderly person. My other idea is to see if we can set up a center where caregivers can go just to get a break. I know of a building we can probably get donated. I need to think about the details of how to make it work. It has to be free because over 95% of the caregivers have very limited resources. On a bright note, local bakery donated pastries that were really good. Local salon donated small gift pack for caregivers of very nice lotions, bath products, hair care stuff. Everyone was thrilled with those. In two weeks we're having a beauty shop day. I've rented an old beauty school and am having the power and water turned on for two days. I have 12 beauticians who are going to donate their time to give free cuts and blow dry. The town is giving me free water. Power co is turning on and off without extra charges. So there are some small things going on to help these women. They deserve so much more than they are receiving. My other push is to get caregiver pay for some of these women. They're saving the state a fortune keeping their loved ones out of nursing homes and off Medicaid. There is so much that needs to be done. These women shouldn't have to live such isolated lives because of their caregiving.

FYI Upset,
Another reason to be glad your not in California. Pulling permits here can be a complete nightmare!!! They can make your life a living h*ll. Being a designer as long as I was, I heard so many horror stories, ones that were so outlandish, you would not have believed it unless you were working directly with those folks. I had a lady come to me when I was a fairly new designer. She had me design her kitchen and then I never heard back. Thought maybe she was not keen on my design ( being still kinda green) so I figured she went elsewhere. A couple years later, no joke, I was working at EXPO, and heard a woman's voice say, "There you are, I have been looking everywhere for you, we are finally ready to move forward with the kitchen!" Slowly, it came back to me and then she had the original design I did with her and then I got it! I asked her what happened and the good ol' city of San Anselmo made her life pure h*ll. Her house backed up against a creek, and someone had planted vinca along the banks. They claimed it was not a native plant so it all had to be ripped out and replaced only with native plants! Can you believe this? It was a huge ordeal among some other ridiculous regulations but the inspectors around here are known to be a nightmare. You just never know.
I had a full grown man break down in tears in front of me for what they were doing to him in Tiburon.
Sounds like you don't have the bureaucratic red tape like we do here, lucky you!

Sharyn,
There is a notebook in my car with the hours and phone numbers of stores that I shop at. Most people can do this online from their I-phones.
You can add a little map with street names until you get acclimated.
There is no shame in getting a bit lost. It is your brain warning you that you have become too hungry, with low blood sugar, need to pull over and rest, deep breathe, drink water, or just about anything. Getting lost is the best way to learn to navigate your new surroundings....let's see where this road goes.....not in too much of a hurry anyway,
that is what I tell myself.
Yesterday, I pulled up @ hubs work just as he was coming outside. That is amazing since I did not start from home so he couldn't call me, and after the chiropractor he was not even on my radar until 7 minutes before he clocked out, I guessed he might be getting off on time. There was no agreement for me to pick him up. Ok, this sounds bad...but our life is confusing, even to me.

Upset,
Once again I am amazed by you!!!!! You really are incredibly thoughtful. You should be so proud you are making a positive difference for these caregivers! You have to be destitute here to get any help.

Rainey, Maine is good - pretty much live and let live. The township I live in just wants to be aware of what's going on. They do code inspections to make sure plumbing and electric are done correctly. I'm anxious to get started.

My brother was going to rent. After I thought about it I told him why pay rent and utilities. I have 4 bedrooms upstairs. I never go up there and there is a full bath. He's quiet and very neat. He's also good at putting in cable outlets, phone and computer stuff, so he can wire himself up. He can pick furniture and set things up the way he wants. Upside for me is he is a fantastic cook and likes to cook. So it should work okay on short term basis.

Hi all, we're still drudging along, it's becoming a bit like Groundhogs Day (the movie), same thing different day, with the usual ups and downs. I hate constantly posting on about all of this as it is, so I won't unless something strange pops up, but for now we just do our best to get through each day.

I am glad to hear that UpsetSister is out from under the legal Fray of dealing with the outlaws! The further away you can get from that situation, the better!

Golden, hope you feel better soon! I don't like to hear that you are fighting a bug, as you've got some many fun things planned with you beau! It will be good to get your annual health care exams and eye surgery behind you. As always, I just Love you!

Glad, yes, the changes that the AC needs to implement for "After Cargiving Cargivers", is a terrific idea! Leave it to you to get them rolling on this! As Alli mentioned, so many of the great responders (especially You) on this site are former caregivers, and have been through the gamut, the post caregiver recovery process, the legalities of closing up your Loved ones estates, the distribution of monies, the family squabbling, and on top of all that, the dealings of loss and grief. Almost as much as goes into the after loss as before, well maybe not, but so so much!

SharynM, you will soon find your way around, and remember it's still early days yet since your own Mom passed. Figuring out your new life with so many changes? Wow, I am looking forward to that! You're doing great!

Alli, your getting there too! It's hard figuring your way post caregiving!

Please know that I am reading and keeping up here on the AC, I do enjoy hearing what everyone is up to, but my own life is rather boring at the moment, just getting through the day to day.

We are definitely seeing a decline, and expect to as the days go on. The Nurses are fabulous, paying just as much attention to us as to the patient. They have made medication changes to make things easier on us, as in relaxants for him, so he rests more and isn't focusing on the boredom of laying in bed all day. It helps a lot! He is still very much conscious, but calmer, thank goodness!

I do wish to say Thank You for all of you comforting word of encouragement! It does help a lot, knowing my friends on here are thinking of me! I love you all Back, and will pipe in here now and then as I can! Take Care All!

Sharyn, Many years ago, I moved from WV to NC. I knew no one and didn't know my way around. I was out going to the grocery and got totally turned around. No clue where to go. I saw a bread truck and thought if I followed it I would get to a grocery. Drove for a long time and ended up st Wrightsville Beach. I kept following the truck. It turned into a parking lot and I thought it would be a store. When the truck started moving I could see a big gate. It was a Coast Guard station and two guards came to my car window and told me to turn around leave. I explained my situation - they had a good laugh and gave me instructions on how to get back to Wilmington and the grocery. I knew they thought I was a totally dumb blonde. At the grocery I had to get instructions home.

I'm getting lucky today and have managed to get receipts for some larger purchases made in 2011, including two mattresses, one for grandma and one for dad, and a replacement cushioned headboard for her. She had bedbugs, and the Trust wasn't talking to me at the time, so I bought what she needed after bleaching down her room.  Wow, what an experience!   They were relatively cheap mattresses.  They shipped in a box from China lol.  It's a trip down memory lane, but also I appreciate the chance to... I don't know.

It's a chance to say "You jerks, look what you put me through" to the Trust and hopefully they'll reimburse something. They know I was trying to sue them after my grandmother died. Keeping fingers crossed that something good will come of this request for reimbursement.

I know it's in the past, and I've let it go.

Glad,
That is a good idea, there is a life after caregiving for caregivers. Especially leading others by example and experiences is good, but having a place for your needs to be met would be good too. I want all the caregivers to stick around because we get to know each other after that many years.

Luckylu had started one thread:
"Life after the loss of your loved one".

Another thread:
"Life after caregiving"

Send, our life is confusing too. I normally would not have gotten stressed over being lost, except we missed the appt. and I rescheduled for this morning. Going out exploring is fun when I can get out to do it.

Upset, that is funny!! One good thing here is there are at least 3 streets that interconnect Nampa, Meridian and Boise. You can always find a way back home.

Picking some pears, and the tree is so tall now that a ladder plus a telescoping picker is necessary. I'm trying to get the loose ones by banging the branches and I've been beaned in the face by 2 pears so far. I'm not doing it directly overhead, of course, but those pears don't exactly go where I want them to go.

I put an ad online and so far two people have come for some, plus gave a bag to neighbor across the street and one to someone driving by. It's a record haul for pears this year. I keep reminding myself that "this is good exercise." hah... stupid pears... ;-)

Hi everyone,
New to the site. Where to begin.....
I'm a 48yo divorced mother of 3, living with multiple chronic pain conditions. My father passed away 2.5 years ago after battling multiple conditions, his genetic CAD the worst of the lot. In January I moved into my parent's home for a few reasons, biggest being my mother's declining health. My younger brother (46) and his 15yo son (who my parents have custody of) also live here (my brother has lived with them most of his life as well has my nephew.) My mother has Lupus, Fibromyalgia, Arthritis and more recently a 50% hearing loss as well severe mobility and memory issues. She was always very self motivated, loved anything techy and knew how to use it, and could remember most things easily. Things were changing while my father was dying and since he died she's become a disaster. I knew things would be difficult after my father passed because after her father passed away she basically lost it. She was just starting to return to the land of living when my father, her husband of 48 years, passed away. She's actually handled it much better than we expected but other stuff has now shown up and in all honesty I'm REALLY struggling.
The dysfunction in our family starts with my brother being a life long drug addict and he lies to himself and everyone around him by claiming to be clean. Both my mother and I are prescribed certain medication for our pain issues and my brother steals my mother's meds. Has been for years. She spends much time hiding her meds from him and carries them on her when out of the house. Recently she can't remember where she hides them and that makes for many episodes of panic as these meds are time released and not something that can be stopped suddenly.
Before I moved in a would come over and clean the kitchen, do laundry and help out where I could. Bare in mind the 4 original people living in the house (1300 sq ft, not big) were/are hoarders. So cleaning and organizing is not an easy thing. My brother and nephew do little to no cleaning and don't help around the house. My mother who cannot stand independently at all nor lift her arms above her chest due to both rotator cuffs being gone (as well as much more) tries to do stuff but ends up making more of a mess, including breaking many dishes, more than any good. Since I've moved in I've basically become the Cinderella of the house. I mentioned I have multiple chronic pain issues, the worst being Complex Regional Pain Syndrome based in my lower limbs. One of the biggest complicators is stress.....and to say the stress level in the house is off the charts is a severe under statement.
In the last year my mother's memory issues have gone from bad to very concerning. To make matters worse my brother has emotionally and mentally abused my mother and his son for years and now my mother has started picking fights, arguing everything and thinks she's being funny sarcastic when she snaps back at people. My kids refuse to come over any more and my good friends drop by but then leave as soon as possible because she's rude to them and they don't like the way she argues and treats me over nothing. Then she asks why no one visits or stays or asks her to do anything and I've tried to explain as politely as possible, even discussed it in family counseling, but she apparently doesn't see it. I can't tell if she really doesn't get it or doesn't want to because she points it out in everyone else. When she doesn't like what she's being told she gets snappy and starts playing the victim, rudely apologizing for dumb things that are not relevant to the point of saying sorry for still being alive. Nothing like a good ol' guilt trip. She can't simply ask for help she whines and cries her requests and as soon as you agree to help she's happy and smiling. 🙄
I'm physically struggling from the stress, I'm mentally at my wits end. I put on a smile at work and around friends and my kids because I don't want them to feel like I do. Sometimes I slip and vent to one of my kids (all adults) than I feel awful because they get frustrated at the circumstances none of us have the power to currently change.

So, that's the tip of the slippery ice berg I currently live on. I've made a conscious effort to not argue points, or correct incorrect anything. I struggle when trying to verify doctor appointment stuff or info from the doctor. And I'm beyond frustrated from trying to solve health ailments that multiple doctors have explained or given reason for and my mother either doesn't believe them or forgets what she was told. Info she was given before, multiple times, suddenly is new and a potential starting place for more questions and treatments.....all of which we've already explored. When I remind her we've heard this info before, we've explored those options she gets snarky and hostile, causing me to shut down. Did I mention she's a retired RN?. She's lost about 50lbs and I believe there's a few reasons why. The only down side is most of the weight lost has been muscle. She has turned this into such a big deal you'd think this was going to be the thing that finally kills her. She acts like there has to be some major health problem causing her weight loss, bare in mind 3 of her meds have the side effect of weight loss!! To make things more frustrating when people don't positively comment or mention they noticed her weight loss she gets all offended and mad. She's always worn big baggy clothes, not liking snug fitting clothes, so people never really knew how big she was. Most of her weight is in her stomach area and it has remained. Her weight loss has been in her butt, legs and breasts (which are flat pancakes now, sorry don't mean to be gross.) In other words, in areas where most people don't notice or see especially when she's sitting and in an electric chair most of the time. The point of my rant is she seems to be making more out of things than really required and I'm tired of going to multiple doctor appts for something unnecessary or already dealt with, I'm tired of her neverending snark and unintelligible rants.

I think I'm just plain exhausted in all the ways possible. I've always been the "good kid" in the family. The one they could always count and rely on, and I'm sad to admit I'm feeling resentful of this position. They've never required much of my brother and we've all spent many years cleaning up after him and doing the things he should. I want my mom to be able to enjoy a few years of her retirement but that won't happen in the current situation and she won't make the necessary changes that only she can make. I feel so stuck.

I'm sorry for the length of my venting and thank you for your patience and understanding.

MapetiteD3, Welcome to this thread. Vent all you want - everyone on this thread has or is living in a dysfunctional situation. Can you keep your mothers drugs locked up from your brother? His stealing her drugs is not a good situation. Does he work? Does he support himself?

Don't allow yourself to be isolated by your mother or your brothers behavior. Keep in contact. Keep in contact with your children. You have a right to feel resentful. You are being used by your lazy brother and nephew and abused at least verbally by your mother.

Has your mother had a basic cognitive functioning assessment or been assessed for Alzheimer's. Perhaps she is a candidate for an Alzheimer's medication. These drugs are not a cure, but they can slow the progression.

Take care of your own health needs first. If you're working, keep working as long as you are physically able to do so. Don't allow yourself to be trapped into a primary caregiver roll with two other people living in the house. Have a long talk with your brother, his son and your mother about the hoarding situation.

Again, come here to vent anytime. You're always welcome. The people here have a variety of experiences and someone may give you clues on how to help with your situation. Best wishes.

Where's Margeaux?

Upset, sometimes people do not check in when they are confronted with new challenges with their loved ones. I know I kinda am still is invisible woman mode, there that's better! ;) Just very hard for me to know what to say after so much stress and dysfunction and do not care for it to return. It still stresses me out, oh what the heck with twisted sisters come up with next. Now it is the estate, I am just waiting it out.

Glad, Hope the twisteds don't give you any trouble. I got lucky with estate laws in WV and in ME. Also, with how my mom and brother had things set up. The laws in some places make it difficult and expensive to settle.

The grief process is slow isn't it? Or maybe it's just me. Some days I forget about things - other days it hits me like a ton of bricks. And, some days I think my grief is for not having the family dynamics that I wanted, not grief for those who died.

Upset, I do not think that grief has really hit me. I grieved every day of four years that I cared for mom. Then two years when twisteds would not communicate with me even about mom's health until the very end.

I have wondered how in the world your bro's got taken care of so quickly. He just died 2-3 weeks ago, right? My mom on June 1 and all I have received is a registration of the trust with probate court. AND the first one ts2's idiot attorney had mom's name spelled incorrectly! It has since been corrected, and the obit, kinda funny, mom's name came up with all sorts of versions. Course what do you expect from an idiot attorney that led the twisteds down the path to spend about 120K of mom's money to fight paying me, after I had an e-mail from ts2 that stated it was hard for her to figure out what mom would want, but acknowledged she would want to pay me, the question was how much? AND the e-mail stated that mom wanted to have something left for her daughter's?! She was only thinking of one or maybe two daughters, and neither was me. She fired mom's attorney, got a different one to represent mom and her, because she did not like what the original attorney told her. He knew what mom wanted.

So, now, mom passed 2.5 months ago. So, waiting, and now ts2 is back to the incommunicado. I have not asked about the estate, nor will I. AND you are basically done, except for your crazy SIL and family. Just unbelievable that they would go to such lengths!

Stacey, you are very right. Thank you for understanding. I hope you and hubby get some relaxing time in the evenings.

Send, I will look for the apple ap. Just googling streets was not helpful.

Glad, My brother's estate was very simple. Insurance had me and brother as beneficiaries. 401k's are considered transfer on death with presentation of death certificate. We did get a letter from the company stating that if he had a spouse still living we had to give her 1/2. We published a notice to creditor's which will run for three weeks. Any creditor has 30 days to present valid bills. We checked his credit report and it was clear. My brother had paid all of his debts when he took over the duplex. My Mom's estate was easy too. She had money in checking account to pay final expenses and any bills. I was the beneficiary on her other stuff and all of the accounts were transfer on death. So it was easy. Transfer on death accounts and insurance policies do not have to go thru probate. Checking accounts also transfer on death if there is a survivor or co-owner.

Twisteds should be communicating with you, but given past history, it's not surprising they're not communicating.

I hope my SIL and kids are in my rear view mirror, but I can no longer completely that they won't come up with something else. Although the judge did make them sign something stating that they understood the estates were settled and that they were not to contact us in anyway and that they had no grounds for any kind of legal action.

Glad, we didn't have probate. My mom had a trust. She passed June 3rd, it took until December before all was settled. We still have a small account open for possibility of any bills that may come on 2017. That account will be split up and disbursed on December 1.

AliBoBali, I remember as a kid my Mom use to make pear pies, they were pretty good :)

Also grape pies, raspberry pies, and strawberry pies. Fresh from the garden, trees, and arbor. Oh, also rhubarb pie.

MaPetiteD3, welcome to AgingCare. Say, I was just wondering if your Mom has had a recent Urinary Tract Infection test done? From what you had written, some of the things she is doing, like starting fights, could be from the infection. UTI's are tough on an elder.

Freqflyer, That's a good point. UTI's can be very devastating to the elderly and difficult to treat. She didn't say how old her mother is.

Glad Hang in there. My heart is with you. I understand.

MaPet, welcome aboard!!! You are definitely in the right place. This site helped and continues to help me keep my sanity. A a lot of experience is enfolded here, a lot of painful experience and advice. Keep posting. My heart goes out to you in your duress. I have a similar theme. Prayer and this site helps me a lot. Its an awesome job you are doing. Caretaking is not easy and it gets harder as time goes on.

MaPetit,
Wow!!!! You certainly do have an enormous amount you are dealing with! Keep venting here, it will help a lot! Many of us have and are in similar situations, not exact but we can relate on many levels. My Mom was an RN too! Lost my oldest brother to a drug OD, Mom went off the deep end after that and never was the same. She is in dementia land now and I am the sole caregiver with one nutjob greedy brother and one pretty much absent. They both live close by. I have been accused of everything because she chose me to care for her and not them.
Your Mom sounds like she is in terrible physical shape and your brother stealing her meds is unfortunately not surprising. Get a lock box and hide it somewhere. If that doesn't work, he could be reported. That IS a very big deal! Hide them well. I would not even tell Mom where they are and give them to her as needed. That way you can keep count as well. I don't envy you this situation. Mom snapping, not an uncommon thing either. Trying not to argue is tough or explain to them how they are behaving. I get the guilt trips too when my nerves get frayed when I try explaining something to her over and over and it just doesn't compute. The Merry Go Round!
Question. Are you the designated POA or DPOA? This is very important if you are to be expected to be "the caregiver." This however does not include responsibility to the other slacker family members. If you are not, I would stay clear of the mayhem. Cruel as that sounds, without the legal authority, not much you can do.
Above all, you also have your own health issues, the more you do for them, they will expect it and you will end up driving yourself into a worse physical and mental state. Is it worth it? You need to set boundaries, someone needs to get a POA and DPOA in place because it sounds like Mom is not mentally or physically competent anymore.
Yes, she should be checked for a UTI, they can cause many personality changes and be rough to get under control. I had a tough one with Mom a year ago or so, 4 different antibiotics which did not work, finally an internal hormone cream did the trick. Since then, I have her taking Urinary Health Probiotics and Cranberry pills everyday. No more issues on that score!
Please, please take care of you, nobody else will and do not feel you need to be Cinderella to the household! Focus on Mom because she is not able to do certain things anymore.
Hang in there and vent here, we are here to help even if it's just an ear to empathize & listen.

Freqflyer,
What unusual pies!!! Never had a grape, raspberry or strawberry pie! What kind of grape would be best? I have been deprived it seems 🤔
I do cook a lot but desserts and baking pies have not been not been something I was ever confident enough to try my hand at. Pastries, same thing. I love all these things but I admit, I am afraid to attempt making them!

Glad,
Sometimes it takes a while for grief to really hit. Sometimes many many years. Eventually, something may trigger it. Then the flood comes in. So sorry about what you have been through. Do we ever really get over this stuff?

Picked three gallons of blackberries this morning. I have two crockpots of jam cooking. Making the rest into blackberry pies. Going to take those to the nursing home this evening. I have my biggest roaster ready to put in the oven with baked steak and gravy. Also 3 quarts of fresh green beans cooking. All to go to the local nursing home. Every Wednesday evening is a Taste of Home dinner. Anyone who does not have dietary restrictions can come to the central dining room or can have a plate fixed and taken to their room. PJ always plays the piano in the dining room. The older ladies love him. Various people from around township volunteer to cook. I try to go twice a month, but sometimes only make one time.