The Caregiver & Dysfunctional Families: How are you doing?

Upset,
You are a philanthropist! I am always amazed by your kind actions for people. You are a rare gem, the people I meet like you are so few, only one client of mine (an elderly Dane, was an amazing woman and we became fast friends) she was first bringing me pecan pies (even with whipped cream!) and she knew I loved Victorian Houses as did she, so she brought me in Victorian Home magazines. I was so astonished she would randomly drop by my work to show such a touching act of thoughtfulness! Nobody does these things just because. The more I got to know her, she would be traveling here and there, like going to China to give free wheel chairs to the poor. She was a business woman and had owned a nursing home, hotels, etc. Her heart was as big as the ocean! After I finished with her kitchen, she gave my husband and I a weekend at her hotel up the coast! Always kindness and generosity. 
She also owned a house close by the hotel. She decided to sell it so she could put her grandson through college! Once again, she enlisted my help remodeling the kitchen to get it ready for sale. Always letting me stay if I wished at her hotel since it was a few hours drive. 
Her own son betrayed her in the worst way after she trusted him to take over the hotel's restaurant. A true horror story. My heart just broke for her.
I remember well having a long talk with her and she poured her story out to me. I always wonder how people, especially family can do this to a GOOD PARENT and wonderful woman. I think her son was a sociopath. I thought to myself that there are so few people I come across in life that I truly admire. You are one of those people!

Local people started this program so nursing home patients would have a home cooked meal and a weekly event to look forward. Those who are able usually get dressed up, some of the women get their hair done on Wednesdays. Their families are welcome to come and eat with their parents/grandparents. I enjoy going. PJ and his grandson play the piano several times a week.

That is so wonderful! 😊

Spent 3 hours setting up one flower bed with 5 bags of top soil. Now I need compost, bark and a borderline. Tomorrow I will need a spa to soak in, lol!!

Sharyn,
I know what you mean, I am almost ready to plant my shade garden, painters are finishing today and hope to do it this weekend. I will need a spa afterwards but I don't have one 😥 So a heating pad will have to make do. The tub in this house is pretty much useless and incredibly uncomfortable. Not much thought put into that one. Someday................ I will NEED a spa to be able to move! LOL!

Rainey, no spa or hot tub here either. I use a heating pad, icy hot cream, Epsom salts for the bathtub, lol!!

Speaking of tubs, in our house we have 2 bathrooms, the main which is in the front

They used big tiles in a totally square tub here, I don't have to even try it to know it would be horribly uncomfortable to soak in! I mean, who does that? As a designer, these things just make no sense! Someday, if we have nothing better to do with money, (ha ha) we will rip it out and replace it with something more suitable. I think I will opt for an outdoor spa with jets before that!!!! 😉

Stacy, I don't think your response is off at all. And I think the move, when it happens will be good for you and your husband. I'm picky about where I take a tub bath.

I love my new old age walk-in bathtub. I don't care if I do feel like the old lady from the "help I've fallen and can't get up" commercials. It's comfortable, warm and I love the jets.

Thank you everyone for your support and words of wisdom.

Freqflyer, no, I don't believe she has had a test for UTI. She's gotten them most of her life and has been really good at taking preventitive measures. If she feels one coming on she usually gets it taken care of.

That's one of things that is such a struggle is her being a retired nurse she feels she is more knowledgeable then us regarding many health things and only she can really take care of it. In the past I would've agreed to an extent but now she exagerates or extremely under estimates situations, TIME and many other things. I discovered this week that she's been forgetting to take her regular meds and thus waking or ending the day in horrid pain and being rather unpleasant to be around. I offered her a med box with 3 alarms and daily boxes. She hasn't taken it yet but I may force her to do it.

Rainey69 no I am not her POA or DPOA, although we have discussed it as well as "will" issues. The thing I'm having to fight over is I am the most logical and safe person to be designated anything but my brother guilt trips her telling her he'd be honored and all this other BS. He and his friends have already said he better be put in charge as they actually believe I will cut him out of anything important. I guarantee there won't be anything of major financial worth including her house.

One of the things I'm most struggling with is sometimes she's her old normal self mentally. And then suddenly she's not. What would've been fine 5 minutes before is now not. I can't flip that quickly mentally and sometimes find myself trying to rationalize information to my frustration only to realize nothing I say or do will make a difference. Makes me want to pull out my hair, but I love my hair so that wouldn't go over well.

Time for work so off I go. Thanks again everyone.

Might it not be simplest of all just to move out again? I hate to sound harsh, but your mother has adjusted to a life centred around enabling your brother. She's not going to change without a fight. Do you really need that? You could let your brother "do the honours" and get your life back, instead.

Countrymouse,
I gotta agree with you completely! If the brothers were shutting me out already, I'd be damned before I put myself through all that. I would find my way outta there ASAP! Just not worth it when they are already accusing you before she has even really done anything.
Run MaPetit, Run!!!!!

Rainey, CM I agree totally. If the brother is already set up in the house and Mom is enabling. I'd leave now, why wait. Thinking over my own situation; the first time my Mom gave my brother $25,000 in front of me, I should have packed my bags and left. I shouldn't have stuck around for 6 years, moved to Ohio and gave up my job. What a waste of time dealing with their BS. I let a big chunk of my life get wasted with them. But that's past.

I went to the dinner this evening. As I was going in this little old man asked if I had cooked and I told him yes. He gave me a big hug and said he hoped I had made baked steak and gravy. I told him yes and he said he had to go get in the front of the line he didn't want to miss out. He's always been a nice man. He used to be a mechanic and owned the garage where I took my old car. It was a nice time. I visited a couple of ladies I know from when they went to church all the time. They are both bedfast and very ill. One of them was my son's 3rd grade teacher. This nursing home really tries to be "home" for the residents. It's not too depressing to go there. All of the rooms are private and have their own bathrooms. It's privately owned. All rooms are treated equal whether they are private pay or Medicaid. No one other than the administrator and billing office knows who is private and who is Medicaid. I think it should be that way everywhere.

MaPetite, I've got to agree with everyone else, it sounds as if your druggie brother is enmeshed in your Mom's life and home, and if she is heavily enabling him now and has been for years, it will never change, so get out now, and reclaim what is left of your life, or start over and try something new! No amount of money or inheritance in the world, is worth living in misery, trying to care for a Mom who won't listen, and a brother who is lying, stealing and badmouthing you, just to get on Mother's good side.

These situations always get worse, and why wait until the've beat you down until you have no self worth left?

There are classes you can take for displaced homemakers, you can find them through your local unemployment office, or the Community Colleges. They will help you to find work, I'd definitely start there, even if you have to hang on living there for a while until you get your bearings, then scram!

There's nothing worse than being dumped on, when the siblings have taken their parents for what there worth, then leave, leaving them broke, and expect You to pick up the pieces, and now care for an indolent parent. No amount of money is worth it, you do this kind of job out of Love or nothing at all! It's nice IF there's a little something left over, but you should never count on it, as most if the time, there isn't!

My tablet is acting up! Uggg!

Amen Stacey! Nothing is worth it! I have said that to my husband so many times, if I had known what I was in for (same with Upset) we never would have done it. Too late for us now but not too late for MaPetite. I reiterate, RUN!!!! If not, you will regret being the carpet for everyone to walk on and sacrifice your physical health, sanity and "your family life" for nothing. 

MaPetite, welcome to “DYS” thread on AC. Please stick around and post whatever is helpful to you. You have quite the combo of all-things stressful: dysfunctional family with ongoing addictions, an elder who is declining in several ways, your own health issues to be concerned with, and no clear option on what to do to make anything better. I’m a bit in awe of people like you, how you manage to stay so cognizant of your situation while all this stress is coming at you.

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Pear pie makes some sense, FF, and I think it would probably be a lot like apple pie. Giving these pears away a bag at a time is making the clean up process more enjoyable. I feel motivated to collect the good pears before the squirrel bandits get to them. These squirrels, they take one bite out of each one, I’m convinced. They don’t want to eat the whole thing, they just want to sample each and every one of them. It’s messy but funny.

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I love blackberries, Upset. That’s always been my favorite jam. Do you do all this cooking for the nursing home on a volunteer basis? That’s so nice that you give them home cooked food!! What a nice gift to an elder person! Good food and special occasions, like the weekly Taste of Home dinner, can do so much to lift a person’s mood. That’s very kind, generous, and thoughtful of you to participate in that.

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Sharyn, I feel ya about the flower beds. It’s nice to get the work done, you’ll be so happy when it’s all put in, but yeah… I’ve often thought about “wouldn’t it be great to have labor help” for some of this stuff. You’re a trooper to be doing it all yourself. I have to add some topsoil to one flower bed here before summer is over. I did add a lot of it a couple years back but it seems to have all washed away, soaked in, whatever. It’s back to clay soil now. What’s going in the flower bed once you get it ready?

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Hi Rainey, Stacey, Golden, Duck, CM, and all of you lovelies. If I forgot anyone by name, I’m sorry! Thanks for being here, thanks for posting and participating.

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I feel for you guys, the ones who feel you’ve wasted years of your life on caregiving to dysfunctional situations that took advantage of your goodness. I know my situation was same as that, but I think I personally did get some good out of these past 6 years, too. I was able to face the situation of my father’s absenteeism, abuse, neglect, and come out the other side with some understanding. If I hadn’t come here, then he would’ve died someday and I would’ve felt relieved… but I never would have known him. Somehow, I think it’s good for me to have gotten to know him, warts and all. It’s made his mental problems, his “special needs” status, more real to me and now he’s not just some man I never knew, who was part of bad things in my life, who I thought wanted nothing to do with me. It’s far more complex than that. Somehow that seems ok, sitting on this side of being physically away from him for many months now. I don’t ever want to be around him for any period of time again. But… it was a very deep experience. Anyway.

I could lose all signs of any autoimmune flare up stuff, though! I do think the mold here kicked that up into high gear. THAT is something I very much regret and would like a “do over.” I would be alright with learning more about my father, but don’t hurt my health in any way.

Ali, Local people started the program. I thought it was a good idea and I like to cook. So I try to participate twice a month. I know several older folks who live there and do enjoy visiting with them.

Hello Ali!
Your perspective re your Dad is nice to hear. Glad that it helped you process as you needed. I wouldn't mind dealing with Mom quite as much (even though it can be challenging on many levels) if I did not have to deal with my badbro. I honestly never thought since he finally married and has her parents living with them and have a child, that he would still be trying to mooch off Mom. Yes, I gave the little jerk way too much credit apparently that he finally grew up! That has brought up all the dysfunction and old wounds right back to the surface. That is the part that is the worst. Second is the realization that again, Mom allows him to continue his abuse by saying nothing, just as she always has. This fires up my hurt and anger towards her at times and makes it more difficult to deal with her during trying moments. Then lastly, the way both brothers turned on me accusing me of monetary "ulterior motives" to just do what Mom asked of me. I never volunteered for this and have sacrificed so much of my life agreeing to her request. I knew, as did she, if she were in either of my brother's care, she would have been put in a home and broke by now. They had already made those thoughts known to both of us. I told her I would even help her move into lovely retirement community. Took her for the tour and everything! Nope. She didn't want it. She wanted to be with me. It is just the dysfuctional siblings that have made it far more difficult and painful than necessary that has made me often regret ever agreeing to her wishes. I know she's happy, that I have made sure of but, it has come at a high price to myself and my husbands own happiness and freedom.

Welcome Mapetite -I agree with the others. There are huge odds against you that likely won't improve. Do you think your mother's behaviour indicates the beginnings of dementia? In terms of who gets POA, when you are dealing with the dysfun fam dynamics, logic has nothing to do with it. You do need to look after yourself. On an airplane you put the oxygen in yourself before putting it on others. If your mother falls for your bro's tactics, there is not much you can do about it.

upset - you are a great asset to your community. Your mother lost out by not appreciating what a wonderful daughter she had. So nice that PJ and son play the piano for the "old folks". Love blackberries! The resources you are bringing to your therapy groups are invaluable, You are a powerhouse! Yes, getting out sooner would have been good. Hind sight is perfect.

rainey - Hope your painting is over soon. You had a wonderful experience with that Danish lady. What a great example she set. I am sorry you are sacrificing so much for your mother and having to deal with bad bro and all the painful feelings that come up. Some recommend that those of us who have been abused do not do hands on caregiving for that reason. I could not have. I know it affects your marriage too

sharyn -good for you. I want to know what is going in there too.

cm - nice to see you posting again with such good common sense

glad - let us know what admin says about including retired caregivers

duck - you have a birthday coming up - for me a hotel room is a treat

ali - glad caregiving your dad, though hard, was valuable. Sometimes your symptoms sound like the CFS I have. You are making good use of the pears. I am sure your neighbours ( including the squirrels) appreciate them too.

ff - your mother was a baker!!!

stacey - thinking of you and hub and fil. Sounds like he is declining again. I sure understand your feelings about the tub and that it will be time to move on once this caregiving is over.

Talking about tubs - a small indoor hot tub would be great for the aches and pains. My air jet tub is good, but a hot tub is better, but also more care.

Re dysfun fams and there always being dysfunction as long as there are family members, I think it is a matter of degree. When the most dysfun members are gone, surely the family can get healthier. Or if any family member gets healthier, the unit can get healthier. When dealing with dysfun fams it often seems to be a matter of degree - bad, worse and worst. We don't see good, better, best often. Though with work I think there can be a good, better, best.

If I come across as ditzy anywhere, I traded the headache for a sore throat and fatigue again. This has got to be over soon.

Bedtime for me now. Have a good night everyone!

Golden,
Painting is done! They finished later today, YAY!!! Now I can plant my little shade garden on the left side of the garage. I have lots of plants just itching to get out of their pots and be free! No more ugly rust stained walls from the irrigation well water and rotted belly boards. So excited to beautify that section that looked so bad for so long. Next year, we paint the rest of the house but NO MORE this year. Time to get ready for fall and winter.
You are so far from ditzy, your words are always full of care, smart advice, good humor, wisdom and thoughtfulness to all. Sorry you are going from one thing to another with illness, you must be getting tired of this. 🤒
You have a point about being a direct caregiver from an abusive family, but after badbro was pretty much on with his life, Mom and I were doing better together. My badbro was not doing anything to me and I rarely ever saw him. I felt I had started to move past it. My husband did warn me if she lived with us it would mean he would have access back into my life. As I said, even though I despise him, if he had been coming here just to spend quality time with her, I could have turned the other cheek. It was his constant mooching that brought it all back. I realized he had not changed his greedy, manipulating behavior. But Mom, standing silent again as he hurled accusations and untruths at me just made it so much worse. I felt transported to the same time he abused me as a child. Scared, a pit in my stomach. Felt like the same frightened little girl.
Volcanic rage that was dormant came bubbling back to the surface. Now I am in his crosshairs again.

Ali, the bit about the squirrels and the pears, hilarious!!!! I have plenty of them running around here too, they can wreak havoc but they are so fun to watch when they chase each other around the tree trunks at full speed! They do also love to plant things in my potted plants, God love em! 😉

Upset, your evening sounded wonderful, nice to be appreciated and make people so happy! Have you ever made Blackberry Ice Cream? One of my personal favorites! Oh, and cobbler too! Now I am craving it just thinking about it, darn it. Aldermans makes an excellent blackberry ice cream, tastes like homemade. Gotta get some soon 🍦

Both parents started Hospice care last November, Dad is terminal, Mom was palliative, I lived closest and helped daily. My Mom passed away 4 months ago we were all there. It was devastating watching her suffer her last 2 weeks of life. We took turns giving her meds, even delayed meds to try to get her "back" and it backfired and she suffered more. Bossy sibling came back a couple weeks ago to help. Ever since her return I have felt inadequate and under pressure. This week my Dad declined terribly fast, tensions esculated and we had a huge blow out. She vocalized her hatred for me which I have been feeling the negative engry from her since she arrived. I love my Dad more than anything in the world, but I can't bring myself to go back. He is heavily medicated and in the deep sleep phase. I can't face it or relive it watching the suffering all over again. The house was cleared of any special things my kids gave them it's no longer the home me and my kids once lived at or visited daily when we moved out. She just texted me to come see Dad, and Dad misses me. I haven't been there or talked to my family in 2 days and I am finally feeling self worth and believe that I can get through this, but if I go visit I don't think I can handle the stress of seeing the suffering much less survive another attack from her I will be hopeless. I'm not sure what to do.

Almostanorphan,
So sorry for the loss of your Mother, so recently.
Sounds as if you are already burned out and suffering so mucb yourself, now Dad's decline. Once that happens (burnout) it is like a nervous breakdown and you need immediate care and counseling, and rest for yourself. It is so understandable that you don't know what to do.
Because you said: "I am finally feeling self worth and believe that I can get through this"
there is a good chance you can recover after a few more days away.

If Dad is in the deep sleep stage (last you saw him) would he be awake at all to ask for you? But, I don't think you need to figure all this out. I am formulating an opinion for you based on my own experiences. And I believe what you are saying, how this is affecting you.
Sometimes, for your own health, you just cannot go back there for your own good reasons. Take some more days away, then decide. Don't torture yourself with worry or guilt if you decide not to go at all.
1) You can decide to go later. 2) You can decide not to go back. 3) You can decide to defer your decision to another time.

Meanwhile, rest up. Take care of yourself.

Rudbeckia, echinacea, lavender. In the front I will be transplanting 6 plants to the back yard due the height blocking light coming in the house. 3 ornamental grasses, 3 red twig dogwood bushes. I have a semi double pink rose arriving after the first of the year at planting time for our area (bare root) .

Ali, some help with labor wood be nice but it is not going to happen. I can't even get a landscaper to come out to do the sprinklers and sod. I dislike working with contractors, stringing me along about start dates. I haven't paid anything so.....I'll try another company, lol!! It is not worth my blood pressure and emotional energy to call bugging them, getting angry. Either they want to do the work by showing up and doing it or they don't.

Actually, I am going to offer the red twig dogwood free on a local FB board as from researching, they seem too invasive width and height. I don't want to maintain bushes that get 5-6 ft wide and 6-8 ft tall.

Almostanorpgan, I am sorry for the loss of your mother. It is hard enough grieving one loss and now you are grieving the decline /end of life of your father. Can you have someone come with you as a barrier from bossy sibling. Make the visit short and only about dad. I can understand not want to go through this again so soon as it is very hard. I took care of my mom her final days and it took so much out of me it was a good 7 months before I felt free. Another possibility is to go visit when this bossy sibling is not there... out on errands.

Almost-I am so sorry you are going through this. I completely agree with what Send said. It you do not heed your own warning signals and take care of yourself you will break down. I'm sure your Dad would not want that.

Ignore your bossy sibling. When my bossy sibling starts in on me I remind myself that she is lashing out because she has a disorder not because I am doing anything wrong. Controlling, judgmental people often act that way because they feel helpless and frightened. They don't have healthy coping skills to face these feelings. Lashing out in self righteous anger gives them a momentary feeling of power but the relief is short lived and they need to do it again and again. They become addicted to the behavior. You can't change your sibling any more than you can reverse your Dads decline. You can however, do what you must so you don't get broken.

Tryingmybest,
Excellent advice for Almostanorphan!!!! I think you nailed it perfectly. I am sorry for the sad situation. I still can't believe people can't even conduct themselves in a civil manner when a parent is actively dying. Jeez, just set aside whatever issues are there and focus on the parent for God's sake! If siblings have issues, they should be "put on hold" until after. Then let the feathers fly if that is truly neccessary. I myself would walk away from that person and not give them an ounce of my energy. Very unhealthy after your parent has passed. I am dreading what it will be like when it comes to Mom dying. 😥

Oh Sharyn,
Do I detect a plant junkie like myself? LOL!!!! I am hopeless. I have plants all over waiting for new homes. I get them bare root, bulbs, or little starters, put them in pots to mature a bit with plans of integrating them into the yard itself. My husband has been complaining I have way too many (giggles) but......... I have been waiting on the area to get painted to plant my magical shade garden and now I can! So, a lot of my plants will dissapear from the deck and have a new home to grow even bigger and more beautifully! I am so excited but knowing me, I will be back at it in the spring of next year. I ordered so many bulbs last year that I took a break on those. Now I have one more order coming in fall of a few things and that will be the end of my planting for the year. The insanely hot weather has really cooled down for August, very strange but hey, I will take it! That allows me to stay outside and work. I love Japanese maples and fall colored trees. The house we purchased the previous owners had really let it go so we are re-doing everything, which is a lot! So, it will be a while before we have it all fixed up to our satisfaction. Little by little.
I love a beautiful garden!!!!!