The Caregiver & Dysfunctional Families: How are you doing?

Yes,
I have had dysmennoreah my whole life so when I get it, my life ceases for two days! Today will be day 2 😥. Can't wait till it's finally over, I don't have much longer and believe me, I am going to throw myself a party!!!!

Sharyn, be careful of that website, I adore Wayside and Breck's. They have turned into full blown addictions for me but I LOVE them! They both have such unsusual stuff and I like stuff that is not terribly common. Also they have your hardiness zones so you will know what will and won't work, however, I do roll the dice sometimes because the lowest it ever gets here temp wise is high 20's.

Upset, I am sounding like a broken record about how amazing you are and how impressed I am by you so just consider me part of your fan club 😉. 🌠 You are an inspiration!!!!

Thanks for everyone making me feel slightly better about not taking Mom shopping anymore. I felt like such a jerk. But I just cannot risk someone calling and reporting me because she wants to argue about everything.

I will be more "in my head" in a day or two so forgive me for being forgetful of anyone for the moment.
Golden, Glad,East, Stacey, CM, DD, everyone, Thinking of all of you and hoping all is going alright at the moment.
Enjoy your weekend! Looks like me planting my shade garden will have to wait until next week.

Hi All, we're doing fine, or as well as can be expected! Same ole same ole, Lol! Good thing I'm a homebody, or I'd go out of my mind! I've only been out once since FIL has been here, now 16 days! Yikes! I see daily changes in him, he's winding down.

I tried to give Jude a call, 7:00pm her time, but she was out, I'll try again tomorrow. Hope everything is going OK for here, and yet nay be she's finally enjoying be able to get out at nighttime again!

SharynM, glad your Son and Daughter are both alright! We never stop worrying about our kids!

BOOKLUVR, you've shared some great ideas about the Cargivers outlet in your area, maybe UpsetSister might implement some of those in her Group! Hope you are feeling better too!

Golden, Love hearing about your lunches with your Grandies! How your gdg asked you questions about her birth day, So sweet! I often tell my eldest Grandson about when he was born and a tiny baby! I have called him my "Little Sugar Sugar" all his life, and now at 7, he gets embarrassed, but he still loves to look at old video footage I have of his baby years with me on my little FLIP Camera!

Rainy, Dysmenorhia, I had that too, finally a hysterectomy in my late 40'summer cleared that up! Good ridden so! Feel better!

Alli, enjoy a headache free weekend! I had 2 neck surgeries in 98', 2000. Success after the second, then a few years later, I started having HA's that started the moment I opened my eyes, × 1 year I struggled, then finally found a good Pain Management Specialist who gave me a series of Steroid injections, and I haven't had a HA since! It must have been a mechanical thing ( I have a plate and screws), at work and always looking down to read and write. INFLAMMATION cha-cha-cha, But Gone, just like that! Maybe it's your neck?

UpsetSister, I have 6 Hydrangeas in my yard, my first one in the garden of our front walkway grew so big, we had to devide it into 3 more last year, it is a bearded type, not sure of the name, but so pretty! I like how you can change the soil ph, and get the different colors!

Hi Glad, hope all is well with you!

Almost, I'm right there with you on figuring out just the right medications to keep my FIL (on Hospice in my home) comfortable. He isn't to the really bad pain levels yet.

I believe that Morphine is the drug of choice, and unfortunately sometimes they Do have to give so much that the patient is unconscious or nearly so. But it is better than them being in pain! I'm so sorry this is so hard right now, but he is in the best of places at the Hospice Hospital, which is where my own Mom ended up her final 7 days! I'm glad you are able to visit him at night! I'm sure you give him great comfort! Take Care!

Opps, FIL Calling! Gotta go! Hugs to everyone!

Stacey,
Sorry you went through dysmennoreah too. Nobody has a clue how it greatly affects your life unless it's you. Every job I interviewed for I had to reveal this very intimate part of my life because it was a reality once a month. I even tried clocking it and warning co-workers for possible shift changes. It also was not covered by insurance because not considered a life and death situation, a voluntary proceedure which did NOT even guarantee their would not be other complications. So, needless to say, I passed. I am nodding off now so have a great weekend all. * Hugs*

Rainey, since we're getting all personal and all, Lol, I used to have very regular menses, and even had very bad mid monthly pain, ovulation or Mittleschmerz, as the Family Dr whom I worked for used to say, Lol! It was Bad, so Painful, and came on like clockwork, every 28 days.

I would be working alongside my Dr (I worked with him for 15 years) and would tell him it was "that time", and he would groan, knowing that he would have to step it up and deal with my whinning! He was a great Doc, and we had very close relationship, and he truly understood what was happening to me for about 8 hours that it lasted and usually came on at about 4pm at times I could barely stand up straight, some months worse than others. Ahh the good old days! I'd still go back if I could! 😉

Stacey,
Well, it is getting more unpredictable now since I am going through (perimenopause) so no more clockwork for me! The last couple of months it was almost a week early. I will get a bottle of Cristal when I know mine is finally done! Never had Cristal but I feel that is a gigantic celebration for me to warrant it! 😉 It's been so bad at times I have thrown up. It has been a significant cross to bear since I started having it. Of course nobody at Kaiser ever took me seriously and would suggest taking Motrin, LOL! That was positively worthless against it. Having labor like pains and they suggest over the counter Motrin. That's like breaking your leg and someone offering you a couple asprin! Mom had the same thing until she had her first child, then it stopped. I never had kids so it has never stopped. I suspect a tilted uterus. Mom went through menopause in her early 50's. Hoping I will follow heredity on that score as well. You poor thing expected to work through it, I could not have because I would have been on the floor clutching my abdominal area. I am not a hot house orchid either, I can handle a decent amount of pain until I am incapacitated. I know my husband has FINALLY learned to take my word for it because I have provided him with enough proof over all these years if I say something is wrong with me, I am not just whistling Dixie.
Things going OK with FIL for the time being? You are an amazing woman yourself. 😌

I had painful menses as well. I was able to work, however, I was very exhausted the first 3 days. There were times I had trouble getting out of bed until I had my first child. Then in my 30's I experienced severe pain and was Rxed Annaprox ( sp?). The only thing I miss about a cycle is my energy level was very high except for those 3 days. Now, my energy level is mediocre. I used to be able to weed, prune, water the front flowerbeds, then do the same in the back yard all in 3-4 hours. Now.... 3 hours is all I can do which is either front or back not both... 😥😥. It is an adjustment.

Rainey, oh yes, these nurseries can be addicting. I am considering a couple different hydrangeas hardy to zone 4 as a cushion. Last year Idaho received most of its snow ( our area of Idaho) during the same time we in California were receiving all the rain, January and February. For a period of time here it did get down to -23. The Central Valley of California has a normal low of around 25 degrees zone 9. Except for when we get those Alaskan cold fronts cooling us to 10-16 at night. The locals here are saying we will have a repeat of last winter. Maybe sweet fanasty hydrangea or a mycrophyllia. I prefer the compact plants reaching a height of 3-4 ft with a spread no wider than 5 ft.

Taking our elderly out shopping can be difficult with dementia. My mom was pretty good but before dementia, I did not like going out with her as she would mouth off only because I was with her and it gave her courage, all due to borderline personality disorder.

Okay - here's my "period" piece. I had horrible cramps, all day every day x 6. But I always passed out on the first day. Didn't matter where I was, time of day, I'd hit the floor, carpet or pavement. It was embarrassing.

I got my hydrangeas planted. Another trick for changing the color. Drive big spikes/nails around the base about 8" out. Get the nails that are about 5" long. Water, snow melt, etc. reacts with the nails and changes the bloom color. If you have white snowballs it will usually turn them blue. I bought all white plants. Not sure how it will look. I have weathered - 100+ cedar shakes siding with a slate roof, green shutters and trim. Classic old New England.

I also planted tulips, day lilies, narcissis, in a bed. Also planted more cone flowers around the back of the house. Guy came with his sprayer and sprayed what was my vegetable garden with liquid cow manure. He'll repeat the treatment in January or February.

I'm thinking about buying bulbs for any of the ladies who like to garden to plant at the caregiver's center. There are some nice outdoor planters around the front entrance of the building. Might work as a stress reliever for some of them.

Sharyn,
I get crashing fatigue often, but gets way worse when I am PMSing. I used to work like a whirlwind in the garden, now if I make it a couple hours, I am happy! They say that is a symptom of perimenopause, I sure hope that's true. I want my normal energy level to come back!

Upset,
My God, what the heck? What on earth caused you to pass out? Too much blood loss? Anemia? Never heard of that one, I cannot even imagine!!!!!! Also, cramping for 6 days? I can get a really awful PMS where my back is killing me and my mood is altered and short (sometimes the occasional "I'm coming" cramp) crashing fatigue and headaches but the worst cramps start usually over the first couple hours after onset, and last for 2 days, worst case, 3 but not terribly often. Sounds like you got me beat!

I find daffodils are the most reliable and cheerful, lots of different varities out there too. Come back happlily every year as a welcome to spring on the way. I planted some exotic mystery daffodils and absolutely adored them! Very unusual and lasted quite a while. Can hardly wait to see them again next year! 😊🌼

Rainey, went to different doctors repeatedly for years, but never found a reason. It finally stopped a couple of years before my periods stopped. On the upside I never had problems with menopause.

I did some daffodils - no idea what kind. I bought them out of a bin at Home Depot last month-end of spring things. I like mystery bulbs - never know what is going to come up in the spring.

I'm headed to PJ's - rare occasion - no grandsons at home. They're all on a camping trip. Hope everyone is having a good evening.

upset that is awesome. Sounds good also. I bet the seniors who are lucid love Wednesdays probabley got favorites. Its wonderful to bring cheer or a smile into someones' life. You have a lovely heart.

DD, I think all of the elderly who are able to eat - even if still in their rooms enjoy the Taste of Home evening. Change from their regular meals and they like all of the extra company. I enjoy cooking and I several residents. Some were co-workers at UMaine 20 years ago. Always enjoy seeing them. Thank you for the nice compliment.

I think there should be a spot where we can post pictures of our gardens to enjoy! I won't do facebook, anybody have any ideas?

I rarely do photos and don't know much about posting photos. The one I have on my profile is one my son did. Only an opinion, maybe that option isn't available because the anonymity of posting on this site. Maybe you can contact the administrator.

MaPet, I agree with Stacey and Rainey. I understand and I am sympathetic to your situation. I keep knocking y head against the wall over my mother and sister, wishing I could forget the past and dreading my mother's deterioration.

Ali, that was sad and deep about your father. I am sorry he wasn't there for you and I am glad you got to know him and got some understanding of who you were to him. I am sure your understanding was one of the best things that happened to him. Its funny how things work out in the end. "Ali you know I was on my way to babbling had to rewind and knock down a few words." I am so glad you got some closure.

Golden, yup that hotel is looking better and better and of course dinner. Its just another day but it is special to me. I never got birthday cakes or celebration after my father died. My birthday is the 1st of September so my mother was always on a cruise or trip with her boyfriend (my father left her sitting pretty). Anyway the 1st and last time my family did anything was when was taking boys away to Disney world. I was truly surprised. If I had a "Honey" it would be nice. So, speaking of these great baths, I am leaning toward getting a room and making a fabulous sauna. :)!

almostanrphan, I am just catching up on posts. Sorry about your family situation. You and your sister sound like me and my sister. I think sometimes I make my sister feel inadequate or pressured. I don't know because we don't talk and she only said once that I was putting her down a long time ago when we started back speaking the first time. I told her look at me how could I put you down. I was only trying to help and point out things that I thought she needed guidance in. She is a narcissist so any criticism was hard to take. She and my mother always said I was trying to take over this or that. I didn't know. All I was doing was what I saw needed to be done. Then I just recently learned how my sister truly feels about me and same with my mother. Actions speak louder than words. What I am getting at, because I can babble, is that at least your sister made contact with you and is communictating. The other thing is that "U***k" her You need to have closure with your father. and you will probably beat yourself up for the rest of your life if you didn't go and your sister would have a great ammunition to hurt you with. Pray yourself up. Be wary of all the tactics that can be used to draw you into a fight or guilt or whatever. ANd stay focused on your mission to see your Dad.

Oh My Goodness! Sharyn and Rainey. Sounds like so much fun. In New York City there are areas that have lawns and such but in the city parts, the sidewalk is our front yard. Recently they have increase planting trees and putting low guard fences around existing ones. My neighbor chose a maple tree with those burr balls. It was the worst choice, the roots are all in our sewerline on the house side and caused a major problem last year. I planted one hydrangea about 9 years ago. in a small bricked in area around a gas lamp in front. then I put anotherone from a more recent MOther's day next to it. Its over shadowed. I am thinking to put it in one of the large pots in front yard instead of the ground, good idea?
I think gardening brings us so close to nature next year I am looking for flowering perienials to put in pot around low pine bush I put in a pot out front. If I had a house with a lawn I be right there with you two doing my thing! Its lovely hearing about the plans it must be great planning and seeing your work flourish.

Upset, what you are doing is awesome. You got skills, girl!!!
You know your gift, I wish you the best in all.

Ali, once you get out there in the fresh air..........!! Have fun, enjoy, beware of the bears, and raccoons and all those other critters!! Enjoy, Enjoy. BAck to Nature.

bookluvr, that was great advice. Wow, 7 siblings and you did everything. Glad SIL spoke up and was heard. I do believe things work out in the end.

Upset,
I understand the anonimity thing, I was actually thinking of an outside type of page like pintrest or something like that. Just pictures of flowers and trees would be pretty anonymous, yes? I have never done anything like that as you can see I don't have a cool pic next to my name like many on this site because I don't know how to do that!!! LOL! 

DD, my experience with hydrangeas in pots is they look good for a few years, then they start getting root bound and start to look crumby, are more apt to diseases, then it's time to transplant into the ground. Mine looked awful this year. Powdery mildew and dark spots on the leaves. I finally whopped em down. They are coming back but I will transplant them next year. 

Just went over to make sure Mom turned her lights on, she was searching for a dictionary. She has not had one in years. Now this is the new fixation. Time to find her a simplistic dictionary so she can have that. Last year it was a medical dictionary. Poor thing has nothing better to occupy herself with than latest fixations.

I told a few close family friends that Dad was in Hospice. Our closet neighborhood friend and her Dad ( Dad's best friend for the past 38 years) were planning on coming to see Dad today. The daughter went thru many hoops to be able to take her Dad out of surgical rehab unit this morning to see him. Dad went to visit him in his hospital just weeks before. My sister arrived to cover today's shift walked in and made her rehearsed fake little speech to the nurse saying. I understand she planned to have visitors come today, but I see Dad is not in any condition to entertain visitors, do you agree that we need to allow Dad to catch up on his much needed rest, I feel it's best for him to not be disturbed." The nurse agreed with my sister. So I had to immediately inform them that she feels it's best to not allow visitors today. The daughter replied thank you very much for the information.
I texted my friend later this afternoon to let her know that I was going to be back on duty this evening and to feel free to come on by, but I couldn't guarantee that Dad will be up for anything. She responded that they took a chance and came down and it meant so much to both our Dads to have that moment together. She said her father had a very nice conversation with my Dad and they didn't expect to be able to have such a wonderful and meaningful visit and it made my Dad smile and her Dad smile too. My sister told her that when Dad leaves, she isn't going to stay for his services, she can't wait to be out of here and she will immediately fly home. I'm sorry she feels that way, but if that's her descision I respect that. I know that I will still be there for myself and for my Dad and fiends and loved ones. I guess our family dysfunction will be over with soon. No family, no dysfunction. I will get counseling to help me get through the whole grieving process and move forward one day at a time. Thank you all for helping me through this tough time.

Almost, I'm so glad your Dad got to visit with his long time friend. If your sister decides not stay for his funeral, that is her decision and one that she will most likely regret in the future. Do what you need to do for yourself and take good care of yourself.

Ah almost,
What a wonderful thing for your dad and his friend - truly a gift !

Rainey that sounds like the one that is in ground by lamp post. It bloomed this year but not as big and pretty but overshadowed the new one right next to it. I have to figure it out but know I will definitely transfer it either by the tree or a pot.

Go to edit profile and download picture. My son did it for me, I don't have private computer the one I have is old and I had it fixed but have to figure out wifi also. I have a hotspot on my phone but I don't think that is enough for computer use. If you can download pics from phone I guess send in email to computer and save. I would love to see pics of all these fab flowers and bushes!! Signing off for a few got to get to finish up a few things. Rays of light and peace to all.

Rainey, Maybe an out side page would be good. I know nothing about Pinterest. I know you can set up a private group on Facebook. Several friends have recipe pages and crafts/quilting pages. Also they have made it easier to control privacy on Facebook. My friend Mindy posts a lot of flowers and recipes. Instagram also posts pictures and you can control who sees but I know absolutely nothing about Instagram.

I had one of my caregiver ladies call me this am. Her brother came to visit her mother this morning. He didn't like what she had fixed for breakfast. He threw a big fit, accused her of stealing grocery money and literally threw her out of the house. He is medical POA and has financial POA. She gave up everything - apartment, job, etc to take care of her parents. No car, no money. I went and picked her up. I have a fiend who owns some tiny apartments - furnished studios. He's putting her up there. I took her to the grocery and bought some food for her. I'm going to take her to thrift store to pick up some clothes when they open at noon. She's a nice lady and none of this should have happened to her. I called the police about getting her an escort to go back to the house to pick up her personal belongings. They said they would this afternoon. She has medications she needs. What a rat of a brother. He told her he didn't want her around them at all. He said he would put them in ALF before she could come back. Women are so routinely abused by the male members of their families around here. It's disgusting.

Upset-I love the Taste of Home idea you all are providing at the Nursing home I will keep that in mind should my folks ever move to a nursing care facility. The more limited our elderly become the more important I think good food is for them. There is nothing my Dad enjoys more than tearing into a home cooked meal. He eats every bite on his plate. Lately all he wants to do is sleep but he perks up when dinner is served!

Stacey-You have been on my mind. It's intense when a loved one has entered the hospice phase. Take care.

Sharyn-I did read how progressive Maine is with elder care services. Kudos to Maine! My husband and I talk about moving there after my folks are gone to be closer to his family (really nice people). I love my two siblings but they are hard to be around. It's nice to know Maine is an elder friendly state. Ohio too, right Upset? That's great to hear. I agree with Golden, if it's done in some places why not others?

I love reading all the gardening posts. We have no yard to speak of, we live in a second floor apartment above the space where my business was. We do have a large flat roof outside our back door where I grow tons of potted flowers herbs and tomatoes. I also have two small community garden spaces, one for vegetables and one for herbs. This year I tried bronze fennel and it is spectacular. Yummy too!

Gardening has become my go to recreational outlet. Our winters are long so this year I plan to set up a table in my house to grow herbs over the winter and seedlings in the Spring. I bought a grow light and I am researching best methods. Any advice would be most welcome!

Got a call from BIL, he is desperate. It was a long conversation and he told me many things that are going on that I was not aware of, although non of it surprised me. Sis is getting worse and not just with the folks. BIL kept asking me why she is so controlling and unable to let anything go and why is my mother the way she is. I had no real answers for him except that their behavior is a culmination of years of dysfunction and chronic refusal to address mental health issues.

This is not the first time BIL has turned to me for help dealing with Sis. About 10 years ago Sis was involved in a "cult" (for lack of a better word). She was following a woman who claimed to be Mohawk and was proselytizing a blend of Native American and Eastern spirituality with an end of days theory thrown in.

I have a "whatever-works-for-you" point of view regarding religion but things got pretty bad when Sis started hosting gatherings for this woman and her followers. When the group was there, Sis gave over their bedroom and waited on the woman hand and foot. She spent thousands of dollars on out buildings to accommodate the "visitors". She coerced BIL into building and maintaining these structures. The whole thing came to a head when my niece (a teen at the time) became distraught over an incident. BIL turned to me for help and I took the bait. I found out which Mohawk tribe the woman claimed to be from and contacted them. They looked into it and informed me they knew nothing about this woman and actually contacted her to cease and desist her claims. Of course all hades broke loose and the woman threw Sis out of the group. Sis was devastated and did not speak to me for a very long time. She still harbors deep resentment over this. BIL, of course, stood by Sis's side and turned frosty towards me. In retrospect I should never have gotten involved. It was none of my business and I should have told BIL in a loving way that my heart went out to him and his family but this was between him and Sis. It was a bitter lesson for me. That is exactly what I intend to do now. I love Sis but she is a manipulative abuser and like any victim of abuse BIL needs to decide for himselfwhat he will and will not put up with.

Oh Upset!!!! This is horrible. This is not the first time I have heard of a brother with POA who has been abusive to the sister who is doing the 24/7 caregiving. These caregivers should have more protection under the POA when brother does not want to do the caregiving. I realize this may very well be a rough new beginning for her in terms of securing a job/ financial income, but I honestly hope she does not agree to go back. Big kudos to you for reacting so quickly and having resources to set her up with food, clothing and shelter.