The Caregiver & Dysfunctional Families: How are you doing?

((((((almost)))))) so good that your dad and his friend could spend some tie together Siblings can be so different. Thinking of you as your dad winds down. I know this is a very hard time. I am glad you can be with him on your shift. Keep us updated.

ladies - so sorry so many of you have/have had had horrible monthly issues. It sure affects your QOL. I had long drawn out pms which wasn't good for anyone. But when I met hub #2 everything snapped into place - I guess the chemistry was right. My thyroid was low around menopause so being cold from that offset any hot flashes. I think had 2.

upset - you are one woman social service department. That was dreadful treatment from her brother. I don't suppose there is any chance of the mother changing the POAs to her daughter. It is very hard being a caregiver without having POA and allows for that kind of abuse. I suppose there are some parts of the country that have those kinds of "values". Can the police do anything other than escort her? Can she charge her brother? I fear for the safety/well being of the mother. Someone needs to keep an eye on that household.

trying - Oh my, bil needs to solve his own problems and not triangulate.Your sis does have a few screws loose from the sound of it, but it is not your problem except when it adversely affects the health of your mum and dad, and even then there is not much you can do. Glad your dad is enjoying his meals.Sounds like you are an innovative gardener.

Had a nice DQ lunch with dgs. We are very comfortable together. He told me what he wanted for his extra present, which was a little more expensive than usual but I said yes and got a huge hug. I will send dgd a little extra as her present was inexpensive. Dgs and I had a lovely moment during the Christmas candlelight service when he lit his candle, then mine, and then we passed it on. The other family members were off somewhere else in the church at that point, so it was just the two if us and meaningful. I was present at the birth of the 2 oldest gkids and cared for them so them so their parents could have their first night out alone. I was looking after my dgd when youngest dgs was born, so missed that, but they were living with me then, so I had lots of time with them. Oldest dgs in E'ton is very happy to see me and go out with me anytime. We are friends. I feel fortunate in all this.

sharyn -opportunities to bond with grandchildren are very important for the family.

Having to repack a bit for going away as the weather as changed towards fall weather here, but it will be warmer down south. Good being over this flu but am still very slow in the mornings. Coffee!!!!!

Wow, Trying. Your sister! She's a doozy. You spoke from the perfect script, during recent convo with BIL.

Very sad, what you went through during her Mohawk Phase. A classic example of No Good Deed Goes Unpunished. But you learned from it, even sis and BIL didn't. Surely their home life is rough. But as we say: Not your monkey, not your circus.

Interventions seem to be a construct of television and pop psychology. And not something that works in real life.

Several years ago -- in a moment of well-earned despair -- my stepdad asked me to join him in confronting my mother about her escalating control issues, irrationality and self-neglect. That phone call set off a million "parentified child" triggers (that I still fight, and everyone is dead now!). And I told stepdad "No."

Stepdad was shocked and disappointed. I told him that Mom has always been like that. I agreed that she was getting worse with age, and that I had no idea if it was ramped-up neuroses or an organic deterioration. I told him that I have offered Mom every sensible relief or option I can think of, only to be met with conversation-ending defensiveness.

So -- in short -- "your wife, your problem." It was uncomfortable for me to take that stand. Mom's first marriage (to my father) was a full-time exercise in casting me as the fixer, the soother, the balm, the swing vote. That's a hard thing to shake as an adult. I had never really been put to the test of "have I moved on or haven't I?" Until then.

DD,
Hydreangeas can be fussy for several reasons.
Not enough water
Not the "just right location" of sun and mostly shade
Lack of nutrients in soil (I use maxsea fertilizer) they like acid based fertilizers
Weather!!!! We had a record amount of rain last winter then it got really warm! Crazy! So, that can be disease spreading.
Even though I sprayed em with neem oil, it kept coming back.
So, eventually I cut em all back and stripped the leaves. Start over.
I will look to get em out of the pots next year and see how they do, I have a perfect spot for them! The ones in the ground did not have the disease issues that the potted ones did but I am sure we are also in different zones.
Upset also had a great idea with the nails if you want the flowers to turn blue!

Wow, BlackHole, thank you. Your words really resonated with me, we have much in common. I too was the designated family fixer and all that comes with that. I love what you told your stepdad about offering your Mom "every sensible relief or option" you could think of.

When the feelings of guilt kick in because I will not join the circus I will remember those words. I too offered sane and sensible options that were dismissed without consideration. My sister chose a path that, IMO, is not sensible. I am not responsible for the hardships her choices are costing her or her family. I can love her and still choose not to be complicit.

Oops, I should have included abusive POA sisters to the above post.

My Dad is with my Mom in Heaven at 9:50am. When I came home, I sat at on the porch and heard flapping wings. I looked up and it was a female Cardinal, I know that my Mom and Dad are ok and together. I was able to capture a video on my phone so I can cherish this moment for a long time.

((((((((hugs))))))) almost, and my deepest condolences in your loss. I know you will miss him terribly and yet are happy that he has rejoined your mum. Isn't it comforting when we get signs? I hope the days ahead as you do what has to be done, are reasonable. Please look after you. Grief is hard on a person.

Almost, I am so sorry for your loss. There have been many deaths inn the past few months among us here. Know that your parents are once more together and free of their illnesses and now again whole.

Almost ((((Hugs)))), my sincere sympathies for your loss. I am happy you have had this time with him as well as arranging the visit for his friend. Your father is aware of your love for him.

Almost-my sincere sympathies to you on the loss of your Dad. Sending out thoughts of peace and comfort during this difficult time.

Almost, thinking of you as you grieve for your Dad and your Mom, but believing that they are now together will bring you great comfort, I know that it does for me!

Arranging the visit between your Dad and his good friend was such an Awesome gesture, and one I know he appreciated! Now That's what daughter's are supposed to do!

Seeing the Cardinal, now that must have been something! So glad you got it on video! I have had many 'signs", over the years, and always at just the time I need them to happen, I'm a believer!

I'm so sorry for your loss, I hope the coming days with friends and family remind you of his life well lived, and bring you peace. Take care!

My FIL, at home with us and on Hospice, told me that he had his first ever dream about his deceased sister, and she got into the bed with him. He wasn't scared and thought it was so great to see her again! They were youngsters in his dream, and I thought it was So Cool! He did too!

black hole - well said

trying - yes, their bad decisions and the outcomes of them, are not your problem.

Not that it is easy to sit back and watch the train wrecks happen, but worrying about it doesn't help.

stacey - when someone is hospice sees a loved one it usually means the end is near does it not? (((((((hugs))))) You are a trooper. I gather there is more talk of bil coming to visit. I hope he stays out of the way.

rainey - hope you are feeling better. Sounds like you have a really hard time. Some of us are facebook friends and post photos there. This site is not into photograph sharing. If anyone wants to friend me on facebook just pm me.

upset I suppose you are busy helping that lady. She is so fortunate to have you to call on. That bro is way overstepping his role as POA - in fact abusing it.

sharyn - Happy gardening! I hear you about downsizing there too. I like easy care perennials and lots of hardy rose bushes and evergreens.

Margeaux - you have dropped off our radar. Hope you are doing OK.

I am so relieved about passing my driver's medical. I don't know why I was so concerned about it. Probably because it comes as a sign of aging which none of us like. More flowers on those tomatoes, so we may get some fruit yet.

Have a good day everyone.

As a therapist I've found interventions to be nothing like those shown on television. In my experience there is hysteria, screaming, hurling nasty accusations etc. And if anyone does go  in for treatment, they're usually hauled in screaming and kicking or transported on a stretcher due to overdose.

Did something this afternoon I haven't done since my late teens or early 20's - spent 2 hours at a fraternity house. I was making my pitch to members for the caregivers center to be their service project for the upcoming year. And they agreed to do so. Next Saturday morning they are going to come and help do the exterior cleanup. They are also going to donate all of their beer/soda cans and bottles, liquor bottles, water bottles, etc so we can turn in on for deposit money. That's big deal. We'll probably net a couple of hundred dollars a week. They are going to talk to their sister sorority and get them on board. So another idea checked off my list.

I'm trying to figure out how to improve the POA system in Maine. So many women get totally messed over by the system. I do have the lady from this morning settled in a small apartment. I notified the police about her brother. I took her to buy groceries, made sure she had clothing. Tomorrow I'll try to get her Social Security sent to her instead of her Dad's account and also contact the bank about the fraud her brother and father committed with her Social Security account.

PJ is coming over - we're going out to dinner. I'm so tired, my head may crash into my plate.

Almost, I'm so sorry for the loss of your Dad. Seeing that cardinal is surely a sign. Take care of yourself over these next days.

Hi Everyone ! This is quick post, I will write more tomorrow. I can relate to all the subjects here. Menopause: I had a rough time, glad it's over. I had horrible nights: could not sleep at all - due to hot flashes & night sweats, and then I would be freezing! Did any of you have painful joints, such as knees and elbows? Because I had both, my knees were killing me, and my elbows hurt, usually towards the end of the day - very stiff - and I had a hard time climbing stairs. I was told by my Doctor and Physical Therapist that it was due to weak leg muscles but I never had this problem before. Then I read, somewhere, that it was a symptom of menopause. Gardening, well I had not done any work in my small flower garden all summer. Then this past Thursday, I decided that I had to get the fertilizer sticks put in around the flowers. I didn't do much work at all, but that afternoon, and for the next 2 days my legs were so sore!! I knew that I was out of shape, I had not out walking, and I was sitting around the house worrying about my stomach problems, etc. But this was a real wake-up call to try to get some walking done. Then, to add "insult to injury" my stomach was really bad that night and the next morning. But, I never learn my lesson, on Saturday morning I had to have coffee, and so I had heartburn as well. I have been to Doctors, had several Upper endoscopies, and colon. too, and took acid blockers for along time, and it ended up that I had stomach polyps which had to be removed, and the Doc said it could be caused by the acid blockers !! The update for my Mother: I talked to her on Monday, and the whole experience of her having the CNA in to help her has totally "Backfired" because my Mother was so miserable while she was there. I talked to the CNA and she was so nice, we discussed many things. So, the CNA, and the Visiting Nurse, and I, all agreed that my Mother should have at least a few hours of help per day. But, my Mother told the nurse that she was not "made of money" so there will be no help. My Mother and I agreed that she would call me, and I would wait for her calls, because she can't get to the phone that fast, and I don't want her to fall trying to answer my calls. That was on Monday, and so far she has not called me. I have not heard from my Brother either. One last thing: my Mother's B'Day was last Saturday the 12th. I knew better than to plan anything for her, since she had not been feeling well all week. I would never just show up at her house either. So, my Kids and I decided to wait to until another weekend to visit her. But, I found out on Monday, that my Brother, his Wife, his 2 Sons and the older son's wife and baby, all went to my Mother's house with a B'Day cake, food and presents. I did not get a call from anyone to let me know they planned this, or to ask if I wanted to be there too. Then my Cousin called me and she said she had called my Mother on Saturday, she had more candy for her, but my Brother answered the phone, and he told her they were there for Mom's birthday, she told him that she had the candy, but he did not invite my cousin over. She told me that he was not friendly to her at all. I told her that he has not been in touch with me for almost a month. So, I will get back to you all tomorrow. Thanks Everyone.

East, I'm sorry to hear about all of your stomach problems. That was not nice at all of your brother to not include you in your Mother's birthday celebration. But I doubt given his past behavior that you are surprised. Take care of yourself.

East, my guess would be that they knew better than to plan anything for your mother's birthday too; and that this wasn't a plan, it was a spontaneous visit which they played by ear. Nice of them, no? - from your mother's point of view, anyway, and she was the birthday girl after all. Don't take it to heart. I know it's "nice to be asked" as my aunt always used to say, but would you really have wanted to shlep all the way over there for a slice of shop-bought cake?

Almost, see how things work out!. That is awesome. Two old best boon coons got to say their good byes. I don't think it would have been as nice or meaningful if it was under your sisters watch. It probably would not have happened ever. Because of her spirit. So happy for you. I just prayed and Thanked God today. I prayed yesterday that I could just let go. stop worrying drop this anxiety and feeding into the negative vibes around me. This afternoon as I left for work I felt peaceful for a change. I am happy for you and it greatly encourages me everytime I read a post that shows powerful movement of good despite evil intervention.

Ali, I forgot to mention that turmeric is good for arthritis and also for the brain. Hope you enjoyed your trip.

Hey East, Country Mouse is right. Would you have wanted to be there anyway. My mother and sister did the same a long time ago with my Grandmother. My cousin called and asked me why I wasn't there I told her I didn't know. They did that all the time. It used to hurt. But I think and know it was best because our energies don't mesh. It was best I for me not to be around them both, still is.
People like them want to make you feel like you don't matter. But you do. And Im sure they were reminded of that at some point during the day. It probably killed them to hear your name called, ie "where is East". :)

DDuck, In what form do you take tumeric?

Those sibs that do not include everyone. Been there. Initially there was a bit of hurt. But, really I wished I had been asked just so I would have the opportunity to decline. I wanted to hurt them back just as they had hurt me mercilessly. But, would it have hurt them if I had the opportunity to say no? Probably not they were probably relieved as I was that I then did not have to feel guilty about saying no. Cockeyed? Yes. But I got through it.

I am reading here everyday. Still feeling displaced. So, know, all I am thinking of you all.

duck - you are a trooper to hang in there and keep helping your mum. I wish you get some appreciation and acceptance

east - your mother and bro have been unkind to you before over the years. I guess am not surprised. I think he is p/o ed at you for not going there to care for your mother. She does need more care. I am sorry about your stomach troubles and hope you can find some answers to help it. Do get out and walk some, It will help everything - better to walk than sit and stew about your problems. Nonetheless you sounded a bit more upbeat which is good.

upset - very well done involving the frats and probably sororities. You are full of good ideas. I hope you get some good rest tonight.

Glad I am sorry you feel displaced. I know some have felt awkward about staying here after their parent passed. I also know you have been left out a lot by your tws.

It seems to be a characteristic of dysfun fams. A sib gets targeted as the black sheep/ Cinderella child who is designated to do the work but not be received/treated in the family as an equal member. It is pretty unhealthy behaviour and very hurtful.

Bed time here - g'night all.

Can someone check on Chris516 over on "The Caregiver How are you today?" thread, where Bookluvr has been posting???

Upset,
Tumeric comes in a capsule form or I have even seen it in teas. Sorry, been too wiped out to post much lately, the monthly nightmare really takes the wind out of my sails.

I am going to be in need of some guidance. Nothing immediate, but it's a "distant elephant" and I don't want to get squished.

Daughter 2 is engaged :D

We are all thrilled for her. Yes we are. Even me. Fiancé is a nicely brought-up young man who makes her very happy, and what else counts? (Well quite a lot of things, actually, like brains and getting a decent shave and not talking nineteen to the dozen when one is trying to read; but nevertheless, he makes her very happy - in contrast to the previous serious boyfriend who while excellent in other ways made her miserable - so that is all I really care about).

The wedding date is yet to be decided even vaguely. But one subject that has already been touched on is the guest list. Daughter 1 broached it first, discreetly: what about my siblings?

I will enjoy my daughter's wedding day a great deal more if they are not there. But it's not my wedding, and the guest list is not up to me.

Daughter 2, Bride To Be, does want her aunts and uncles and cousins there. She has her own relationship with them which I have conscientiously not intruded on.

So what do I do about the No Contact rule?

I'm doing better, there are fewer nightmares and a lot less rumination, but that's taken over a year of zero communication with them. I have not yet advanced to the point where I can promise that if I come face to face with one of them I will not punch them in the nose or spit in their eye.

CM, your daughter has to know how you feel, so unless she harbours an unrealistic hope of reunification then she should be willing to work with you on this, unless the guest list is very small you can be seated far enough apart that you don't have to accidentally bump elbows. And is there anyone who can be brought along to act as a lookout whose sole task is to keep the warring factions apart?

CM, My son and his fiancé planned their own wedding. No input from her parents or me and my ex-husband. Her family was very,very large. My family large, but not as. They bad a large number of mutual college friends. They had their wedding at their university alumni center on the weekend of a big football game. They invited me and my ex and his girlfriend. They seated me and my ex with on the groom's side. I was seated with my paternal uncle and his wife. My ex sat with parents. My mother was not invited and was told early on because of her vindicative behavior she was not being invited. My son invited two of my first cousins and their spouses. The bride invited her brothers and sisters and their families. And all of their friends. At the reception the families were put in the four corners. Friends in the middle and bridal party up front. My ex's GF was seated in the back of the church and at the reception. No fights broke out and the wedding was nice. I sure didn't miss my badbro or his family or my Mom. PJ was my date. Because he is a Catholic deacon he r did couple of readings and he sat up front with the minister. My DIL is Catholic and wanted that. It was different but peaceful and nice. When anyone asked why someone wasn't invited, I smiled politely and said the. bride and groom planned their own wedding and paid for everything.

CM, my stepfather (may he NOT rest in peace) was at the funerals for my half-brother and for my grandmother. I sat with my husband and ignored him for the most part. When he came up and insisted on talking to me, I excused myself politely and went to sit somewhere else. Husband stood in between me and him when I left and no drama. Do you have a funeral/wedding buddy? I understand the feelings about your siblings. I truly do. Don't give them any more power over you. Upset is right - let the youngsters arrange wedding, especially if you are not paying:) When my husband and I married, we were at justice of peace and had 3 other people. The only way not to have his parents and my parents and their nasty siblings/cousins at the wedding. At least Daughter2 wants you at the wedding. And it will put your siblings in the position of giving a wedding gift - one less thing for daughter to have to get for herself. Hugs and thinking of you and your gracious self.

upset - I use turmeric regularly for FM in capsule form. It is one of the supplements that is recommended. Duck may not see your question as she is not on regularly. Your son and dil did a wonderful job of their wedding,

rainey - so sorry you are so wiped by your menses. Has any dr offered a solution like low level hormones?

cm - that is a predicament. Does your dd know your feelings? I feel it is up to her to invite who she chooses to, but also in some way to acknowledge your feelings and work with you to make as suitable arrangements as possible. It is horrible that such a wonderful occasion can be marred by family dysfunction, but I know well that it can. I generally grit my teeth, stay away from the ones I find offensive, and come late, leave early or both. I don't know if any of those ideas are helpful for you on your upcoming situation. Know that I understand.

cwille -good suggestions. A referee would be great.

guest - a wedding buddy is a good idea - also excusing yourself from unwanted conversations.