notrydoyoda Posted January 2012
The Caregiver & Dysfunctional Families: How are you doing?
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Gosh, this must be really hard on you. Either putting your mom in a "home" or keeping her with you...tough to deal with either way.
In reading what folks on this thread go through taking care of someone...I am in awe of each one that has such a tough situation. At a Senior Living class I took last month, the fact that caregivers die at home more than the needy person due to caregiver burn out and stress. So be kind to yourself.xxoo Bonnie
Welcome to the thread. As Sharynmarie has suggested to you, try to seek out an elder attorney. She's right that you do need first and foremost of all to get legal control over your mother. By doing this you and your brother would be able to start to put in place necessary living conditions for her welfare.
This must be very stressful for you and your children. It is great, that you and your brother are working together in this. Please keep us updated.
Much Love & Light! Margeaux
I'm just saying I find it intersting that so many of the folks on this thread have faced unfair financial accusations.
Reminds me of the divorced person who kept telling me ...I used to have...."
When my MIL was ready for a resort like retirement/asst. living place after her husband died, she choose a two bedroom unit, which cost more but it was what she wanted and what was available. She really enjoyed the place and said she should have moved years before. My husband is the eldest of 6 children and again, he is the only one that lives out of state, like me. His mom chose what furniture she wanted to move and flat out said she wanted a new sofa/couch to fit the new apartment! She had "the boys" move her stuff while she was off having her hair done at the "new" place. I just hope your mom, Sharynmarie, has a good attitude on her move. If the "resort" has assigned table seating, that worked well for my MIL. The tables were set up in 4's and great effort was made to find good table companions. Those who needed mechanical movement vehicles were aided by staff and then the vehicles were put out of sight in a closet as some folks did not the idea of seeing all these folks in wheelchairs. Interesting!
so I hope your Mom gets a good attitude and enjoys her stay with the resort.
Happy Easter! Bonnie
Thanks for explaining about your mom's family. I do understand, when you've described them as being, "remote." At first I just thought originally you meant as they lived far from you, which I know they do. But do you mean they really don't initiate the contact with your mom's side of the family over the years?
Oh, this friend who relieved the wife that day for my husband's sick friend is a wonderful friend also.
I couldn't help but laugh at your description of your mom barricading herself!
So the accusations are in gear? This is interesting, because we have not experienced this kind of behavior with mom. But this also goes to show you how individual each case of Alz/Dementia manifests.
The Assisted Living resort sounds like quite nice. I'm very happy that you have found it, and that she can take her poodle with her. This is a big plus!
Well Sharynmarie, I wish you the very best as to how you will be dealing in telling your mother about the Assisted Living. From many postings I've read, I find that having the programs they offer, to stimulate someone w/Alz/Dementia is very important. I say this, because I see as in our case, the fact that my sister didn't seek this avenue out earlier w/mother has unfortunately impacted her ability to still connect someway. Of course, the situation as you remember was very tense, while the narcissistic aunt was still alive. But needless to say, I many times think that I wish something along those lines would have been done, and mom could have been going to at least an Adult Day Care, instead of just sitting in front of the TV, all the time. The caregivers do a good job, but I'm afraid they do nothing to stimulate her. So I personally do see the benefit in these programs for elders.
O.K., Sharynmarie, you and yours are in my thoughts!
Have a wonderful Easter Day! Much Love & Stay Strong! Margeaux
If there were a financial issue, then I can see the kids chipping in for the cost of a place for mom...But it sounds like your mother is $$ okay and can afford this luxury. Don't dump guilt on your your halo. You are a wonderful daughter to a not so wonderful mother. And, forwarning, don't go over there frequently as she will become accustomed to just your company rather than mixing in with the others living at the resort. Once a week is enough. Let's hope she has a nice personality and will make friends.
My point is I don't know anyone (except my neighbor) that has in-laws living with their family. (and my new neighbor is already unhappy with her daughter and SIL).
Most importantly Sharynmarie is for you to feel alright about this move to the resort and stop feeling that you need to justify or explain away your feelings of guilt. Phooey...
My thought is to avoid people, places or things that make me feel bad about myself, guilty of the damned if I do and damned if I don't situations, and/or makes me sick to my stomach.
Remember, you can't make someone love you and you certainly can't make someone happy if they are bound and determined to be miserable.
As Easter is about Redemption let your wrongs be forgiven and those who have wronged you, too.
one more "daughter's like me" who think I am just fine and dandy!
Bonnie
On a brighter note, today we had a down pour of hail that covered rooftops like snow. The parking lot at work was not only flooded but piles of hail were all over. My windshield wipers were completely covered over. This doesn't happen here very often so everyone at work and in the store were out taking pictures, Lol!! Have a good night!
You might want to find that issue on line or at the grocery store. Lots of good ideas/tips.
Update on my mother. She has to have a blood transfusion due to her near anemic condition today before the hospital will release her to rehab. Also, some reason they want to do a CAT scan. Again, before she is released.
The decision of the elevator and/or stair climber...Elevator must go on the outside of the house and estimated cost of $75K and will take 6-9 months to get it done with all the approvals, etc. So, the stair climber is "only" $20K and that takes 5 weeks.
The stair climber won.
Now to find out more about bathtub to showers!
Who says YOU have to be the one to take your mom to the new resort? Maybe get a letter from her doctor which tells her he has determined it is unsafe for her to live outside the "resort" or whatever it is? That she cannot live alone.
If she is going to be abusive to you verbally or otherwise, don't take her alone. Maybe the "resort" can come with you or come and get her w/o you?
If she is abusive to the people in the "resort" they will kick her out. She has to learn she cannot treat people badly. Maybe it is just her children who get the wrath? What a shame as she is missing out on opportunities to enjoy her grandchildren.
Let me know what you decide to do. Bonnie
And yes, he has spoken with the PT and no doublt when Mom is at the rehab they will be able to give further advise. So very glad we have Andrea, the PA, she is a godsent!
I can't remember where I read Mom wont be taking a bath, shower only.
Thanks for your concern and tips!
When will you be moving your mom? So glad you are not doing it alone!
Bonnie
How are you doing? Well I read you last posts, and it brought to mind when my sister said that the last time, she took mom for a check up to her doctor. My sister was asking the doctor about possibly cutting back on some medication for mom because as I've written previously that she's sleeping way too much. The doctor told my sister, that she (sister) has to stimulate her. But then my sister tells me, "How they heck do you stimulate a person who is always sleeping/"
She also said, that it's easy for the doctor to say these kinds of things and I totally agree with her. All they do is prescribe, diagnose. But they don't live with the person, so they have NO CLUE! Sometimes I really feel that as a caregiver if one hasn't walked in those shoes, most everyone else can give you is ideas, theory and all of that. Each shoes are so individual also!
It's normal to feel whatever you are feeling. Remember, again because I'm feeling sometimes on this thread, that we're kind of straying from the "Dysfunction," theme, if you know what I mean. You're absolutely brilliant, and I know you are doing things from your big heart. We've been communicating now here for a little over a year, so I feel I can really say this to you having read many of your postings and how you've handled many of the issues that you've faced.
I've have seen you grow, and I know you have done a lot of work to get here.
Remember, that this whole situation about dysfunctional families is a work in progress, I know for me it always is, and will be.
Glad to hear that your sister and family will assist you with the move when the time comes. Trust. You're in my thoughts. Much Love & Light! Margeaux
We arrived at the funeral home around 11:40am. As I was passing by oldest bro-of-next-door talking to older sis (in-charge), I heard bro tell her that he was not going to bring dad over. I was shocked and continued to walk. I quickly went to fave sis and told her what I overheard. I whispered to her that oldest bro tricked us. That he’s not going home to bring father. Sis quickly told her hubby. Then we had to start the rosary. It ended at 1pm. At 1:15pm, we decided to go get him. We all sped on the wet road to the house, rushed in, told father that he’s going and that mom looks beautiful. He was ready to go. My niece who stayed behind told me on the way to the funeral home, that father said that we should have taken him with us.
We siblings were so upset with these events. So many things occurring in which older sis (the one in charge) disregards the majority (all us 7) to listen to oldest-bro or SIL. As for me, I don’t really let it bother me until today with father. Like baby sister (so upset her voice shook in anger) said – this is father’s Wife, he Loves her, he took very good care of mom all these years…and we were not going to take him to her viewing? She couldn’t believe oldest bro was going to do that. She couldn’t understand how he thought to get away with it. I replied – Simple. When people ask, he will just tell them that father did not want to leave the bed…..Her mouth fell open and then she was angrier than before – because it’s plausible and believable. Sigh…. I’m soooo tired. Emotions ran high today.
My stepmother died 20 years ago, and my father moved in with me 10 years ago. During one of my counseling sessions, I will always remember being confused ---trying to make mean -- out of one of his principals: "if you are a woman, you father tells you what to do and your mother shows you how to do it" I thought, well, everything didn't fit because that was so untrue in my family.
Until, after 5 years, the light bulb came on. All those things that she lectured, gagged, insisted, preached and punished where HIS ideas, not hers. And she was his puppet. He wasn't the innocent and devastated father who would have just protected me if ONLY she weren't in the way. He'd PUT her in the way.
I've spent 10 years taking care of him now and the knowledge that that has brought me is invaluable. He's not a hero and that's okay. He never really got out of that foxhole after the Normandy invasion. His principals were set by a country mom and an alcoholic abusive father, who's number one goal is to stay alive and number two goal is to protect his booze supply.
But what Ive also learned is that no matter what he does, no matter how much I disagree with his beliefs, he is my father and I love him, although he no longer gets to tell me what to do. I have finally have my freedom. Very few internal voices. When they do "visit me", I am almost amused and I can joke with them (or my father, who also gets this "oops, ive been caught" look on his face.
It has not been an easy decade in my life. But it has been a meaningful one. I can stand in my truths now, where as before I could only stand in his shadow.
There are very many people who have in laws, and for that matter parents living with them. If you read the different threads here you will find plenty. Some taken this route because they just cannot afford the expense to place elders in nursing homes, ALF, and the like.
Many of us come from cultures also that frown upon placing an elder in a home.
If one has grown up with a narcissistic parent, and you've been told things such as Sharynmarie has been told, that her mother would not want to be placed in a home, as my sister and me were told, well then it isn't such an easy thing to face once this is staring anyone in the face. The other component to this, is that we've lived the dysfunction. This is the big difference between someone who has a cooperative elder, (even making their own plans to move into) a facility, from a harmonious family vs. the dysfunctional one. In the latter case, if an elder is going to placed, there are extra hoops to jump through to accomplish this.
I think one has had to have walked in these shoes to fully comprehend this situation. Margeaux
I just wanted to tell you, that you are not someone I think is getting off topic about dysfunction. I think it's fair, when we talk about other things and the perspective is invariably intertwined with it. Besides, some of us here who been here as long as we have, well how can we not talk about other related situations that have dysfunction in them also. I've done it. It's all connected. Much Love & Light! Mrgeaux
I've been reading the other thread where you have posted about what you are living right now with all of your relatives. Why is it that when someone passes many of the family members who have had little to no REAL input for the care of the deceased suddenly come out of the wood work to call the shots?
To read what your oldest brother wanted to do and not pick up your father, made my hairs stand. I realize from having read the other thread what an ordeal in and of itself the decision to take your dad, or pass by the family home with your mom's casket has been for you. Well I hope that you were able to get your dad there.
Book, what I can offer to you for just right now is try to focus a little attention on you. If you can find any place in your house, or even go outside and try to become very quiet and slowly take a deep breadth in,slowly, and then release it. This is how you start to learn the deep breathing. Meanwhile, I'm thinking of you and your family. Much Love & plenty of Light! Margeaux
How are you doing in regards to your mom? It is very hard to see our parent sleeping so much. My dad was like that too. When I visited him in the nh, it was difficult to stimulate him to wake up enough so we could talk. I do know that even though he seemed to be asleep, he could hear me because once when I told him I was going to go now, he said, "don't go". Then he perked up for about 30 minutes and we talked. Hugs to you and I hope your week is good!!
Thank you for asking about my mom. She's good, w/in the ALZ experience.
My sister apparently is taking it upon herself to cut down on one of the medications. When she has done this, guess what? Mother is awake! She is suspecting that this is a doctor who is just basically more interested in racking up charges towards mother's insurance. I have seen something like this happen lately to my neighbor. She's been in for different procedures and tests. She takes high blood pressure meds, and the doctor tries to pressure her to take a water pill.
She wasn't at all feeling good after having taken this pill, so she stopped. Then right after her venous surgery on both legs, an eye doctor was being very pushy trying to schedule her for catarak surgery w/in same month as the venous procedure. I told her, that this didn't sound right, and not to succumb to this pressure. This is the part about the medical community that I think people have to be wary about. Just because they wear white coats, and only spend 2 mins., (if that), w/a patient, doesn't mean they have our best interest at heart at times.
Interesting how you've described your dad that he would be sleeping but could hear you. My sister has the exact same description about mom. This Friday, she is turning 92 years old. WOW! So my sister called and we'll be gather, just the siblings and their partners to take her out to dine and hear some live music. I'm so happy my sister decided to leave out all the grandchildren, after that holiday fiasco! Mom comes to life when she hears music, so we know she'll enjoy this. So I'm very happy that mother is turning yet another year, on this wonderful planet. Even when it's rough, we must cherish these moments. Much Love & Light! Margeaux
Last paragraph: we'll be gathering, thought I'd corrected that!
Margeaux
Manohman,am I a novice in this fiels.
And Margeaux, I have a younger sister who is nuts and Mom said she is not to visit while mom is in hospital. Guess I qualify for the disfunctional family. We sibs all love her but know she is some bottle short of a six pack. Had a conversation with Mom's PA tonight and told her if sis goes nuts , then call security or 911, not to let Mom make decisons.
Gosh, I feel so protective of my mom.
Again if you want to read her book of poetry look on Amazon.
"Poems of Love and Hate"
so something like that
hugs to all,Bonnie