The Caregiver & Dysfunctional Families: How are you doing?

Margeaux, Hey! My new Avatar pix is of my Charlie-girl!

How the heck are you? Sorry to hear about your husband's bad neck, and now your soreness to follow! Isn't that the way it always goes, huh? You try to fix him, and end up hurting yourself! Waaaa!

Hope you've been enjoying your summer! The Seattle area has had it longest hottest heat wave on record, with zero rainfall to speak of, and tiny mist a couple of days ago, that's it! We need Rain desperately! 

My hubby has been painting all day, our family room, with a couple of hours in the yard too! He's trying his best to work while our weather holds out, and get some jobs completed! Busy, Busy!

I have been on dog and Dad duty for the past few days, and we trade off, Lol! We're a pretty good team, when we put our minds to it!

Have a wonderful weekend everybody! ❤❤❤

Margeaux always good to hear from you! Don't be a stranger.

Stacey, your Charlie girl is adorable!! I love her ears! Buster is my hubbys dog and tiger, Midget and myself are lucky we get to continue to live here since buster arrived. Hubby is obsessed!!

Margeaux, great to hear from you! Certainly hope your soup helps with sore muscles.

Jeeez, all you dog people! 😉 Just kidding, Stacey, ADORABLE!!!!! Scoop her up and smooch her precious face!!
Sharyn, same thing, adorable!!! Wish I knew how to do that with my cats in the pic, I have tried. Think my picture files are too big and maybe wrong format and I am not smart enough on how to do that I am embarrassed to say. ☺️ Stacey, doesn't it just bug the heck out of you when these siblings (other question) get so accusatory about the sibling who is actually doing all the work? If they want to know what is going on, where the money is going, just GET INVOLVED in helping out and ASK! So tired of the absentee siblings complaining. If my brothers wanted to be a part of Mom's life from when she needed help, they would know everything and I would have been thrilled if they wanted to get in and actually devote time to help out!

Exactly Rainey, it just burns my britches! lol! I've been a little feisty on here today, and the moderators will probably come knocking on my door, Oops!

LOL!!!!! I get in those "moods" myself Stacey, I think the moderators have seen enough whining siblings with no actual proof of where money is going before accusing them! I am not saying everyone who has POA is a saint, I am sure parents do make mistakes on who they give that responsibility to, but can't these siblings just get involved from the get go and ask if they want to know before their parents minds are beyond being able to be mentally competent to let the other siblings know their wishes. What I have learned throughout this whole experience is I wish Mom would have told them (my brothers) what ALL her wishes were prior but she said she did not feel she had to. She saw it as her life, her money, her decisions, why did she need to spell it all out to them especially after she told one of my brothers that she had made amendments to her Will that left me with a larger portion for many reasons including me being the "chosen one" to care for her. He got all bent out of shape and could not figure out why. Because he does and never has done ANYTHING to help her out in any way, even as a young adult. He wanted to put her directly in a facility when she did not need to be in there, she still doesn't! She does need regular monitoring however. My other brother was the big master manipulator and taker. I did tons of work on the house, helped Mom with lots of work, etc. Now they both have accused me of this and that........wish I never would have agreed to do this somedays because it has made my life with my siblings so much worse than it already was because they think I have master minded all this (oh please!) and they are entitled to what was never theirs, never earned, and that is their beef. Not the welfare of the parent, not how much the caregiving sibling has given up, the money they think they are owed for doing nothing. They get their freedom and to live their lives. I am trapped. Who signs up for that?
There. See? I can get in on "those moods" too!

I hear ya Rainey, All of it, and Loud and Clear! Same Scenario here! Nobody chooses this "Career Path", it Chooses US! Especially when you come from a Dysfunctional family!

You haven't been on her long enough to know, that I came from a completely different type of family. One that was loving, close and together, Always, including Auntie, Uncles and Cousins, and although All our elders have now passed away, we're still close.

It is my husband's family who is dysfunctional, and why I love to participate in this thread, because this was all new to me, having never been exposed to such a thing!

I have learned so much from ya'll, which has helped me tremendously, in the care of my Narcissistic FIL, and the children he helped to raise!

I've been in a spat today, with another poster, and I'm not proud of it! I just don't like it when our Good website is bashed, because I have such a kinship to so many on here, I do feel a need to protect it and it's good name. But even I went too far, and I'm not proud of my behavior! Perhaps I'm feeling a little punchy today, as I don't feel well and have a sore throat and swollen glands. Not a good thing, when you are caring for one so compromised.

I think I'd better sign off for the day, and start Fresh tomorrow. I probably need to think up an apology to the one who I tangled with, I'll think on that! Ouchie! Lol!

You all have good night!

Good night Stacey! Give your sweet pooch a smooch, that will cheer you up! 😘

Rainey, a cat for you, lol!!

Hmmm, I guess the AC moderators have Scrubbed that Nasty poster off the website once again, and I have come away unscathed! YIKES!

 It wasn't the first time she had been Scrubbed, and allowed back, so I'm not sure if she'll be back again or not! I was gonna apologize for my part in it, but there is no where to post it now, so "Ding Dong, the witch is dead"! Lol! I guess the AC took my side in this one!😉 I'll be good from now on, Maybe! 

I know I shouldn't poke the Trolls, but sometimes...... Grrrr!

Stacey, BTDT!!! I try very hard to stay away from posts that anger me and trolls. Like you said, sometimes we get drawn into the post. I've gotten into it a couple times on the question threads due to differences in opinions. Let go and carry on!!! You are very valued here, a troll... not so much.

I want a cat, maybe two of them. I like dogs better (which is silly, perhaps) but of course cats are less energy and responsibility. It's on my future "dream" list, that once I'm into the new place, I can go to the open adoption centers for cats in the city and let one pick me as its new human. ;-)

It's been a busy Monday here. I'm trying to get rid of the things from the house, but in a sensible way. Trust wants to pay someone to come in and take things away and since it's not junk, why wouldn't I sell some things first, or even give them away? The whole thing has me trying to nail down WHAT, EXACTLY, I'm keeping from my grandparents' house and where it's going to go to. It's a bit to think about. My new 1 bedroom place is going to be pretty tight with all of the things from here crammed into it, or I could store them for a year and think more about it. I'm not for certain yet what I'm going to do: try to cram heirloom furniture in new place, or store it and just use everything out of my storage unit. It's one or the other.

I finished copying all my receipts today. I will hand them in to Trust Officer tomorrow. I spoke to him and he knows they're coming in tomorrow. He's retiring at the end of the week, and said he would "get the process started" for reimbursement. I have some leverage in this situation due to something I had forgotten but recently thought about: Trust Officer called me in to local police department as a drug user in 2011, and asked them to evict me and my father... which would be illegal to "call in a favor" to his long time police buddies and have them come "scare me away"... and so local police didn't do that. But... the fact that I know T.O. did that and I have a witness... I'm just hoping that enough has happened, enough bad and weird stuff, and no one wants to relive it, so give me the reimbursement and let's all move on. The reason that factoid is important is because -- it's not true to say that everything I purchased, and the money I spent, was at my discretion, and therefore my choice, not reimbursable. It wasn't my choice, but the Trust left me no choice because they wouldn't communicate with me. When my grandmother had bed bugs, for example, I couldn't ask them to treat the house and buy a new bed. I did it, out of need.

I'm just crossing my fingers that this last bit of wrapping things up goes smoothly. Getting these receipts submitted and reimbursed is part of "wrapping things up." I've talked to my dad about it, talked to all my family about it. It's time. I'll never get back these past 6 years and I have to move on. This bit of money is owed me. Fingers crossed.

Trust Officer says things sometimes that cause me to think he wants to say more. He told me today that "despite things that happened, it worked out." Yeah. No thanks to his actions in the beginning, lol, but I think he did what he was told at the time, by my cousin who was my grandmother's guardian, and by the crooked caregiving agency, which was completely out for self/money interest, and they all pointed fingers at each other for the blame when my grandmother died.

What an experience this has been.

Not to be overly dramatic, but... how could I be *overly* dramatic? This has been the strangest experience, and will always be, I think, the pivotal experience of my life. The other things that have happened with my health, the mold, the anxiety, the benzodiazepines... all of it. Coming full circle with a bad, dysfunctional situation with my dad... it was a lot.

...

I'm dating a little bit. Nice guy from up north is back around, but who knows for how long. He doesn't have much time or energy to give me and that's an insurmountable divide, I think. I'm talking to other men from online dating. I might meet up with someone this weekend. No expectations, just trying to "get out there."

I don't think I relayed the story of the groper who I bailed on in the middle of a movie 2 weeks ago... did I mention him? Well, there's the summary of our date lol. He was grabbing at me and I didn't like it. After a lot of uncomfortable thought about it, I told him I was going to the bathroom and LEFT. lol I still felt so bad that I emailed him to explain why, thinking maybe he would apologize...? Lol! I don't know what I expected. First time I can remember running out of a date like that lol.

People who post controversial stuff, either here or Facebook, it's like a siren call to me, drawing me into conflict lol. "Someone is WRONG and I should tell them." LOL! It's so silly, and I know I can be like that, and I do try to be a bigger person... and sometimes I'm just not a bigger person. Racism, sexism -- those things just get me mad. And thing is, a "real troll" is someone who just wants to stir the pot, anyway, so any attention I would give them is what they want. The world of online interaction has given us the gift of community even when we're far apart, but it also has drawbacks. I don't think many people would dare say the same mean or hurtful things in person as they do online. Online anonymity makes bullies bolder.

Stacey, Sharyn, Ali,
I made the mistake of reading someone's poster who "suspected" the brother of elder abuse and wanted to install spy cams in the house without their knowledge. I came unglued. I couldn't sleep I was so mad! No proof, hearsay. They had already reported him to APS and everything was fine but they just weren't convinced. I told em to get their own butts over there and get involved if they want to see if there are any problems. I would be willing to bet this is all about money as usual. But installing cameras without their knowledge or consent in the house? Really????? Where does it end?

Thanks for the cat Sharyn! 😺

Well that particular bully p*ssed me off, and I should have known better than to tangle with her, but I did anyways because I was in the  mood for it! I didn't say anything that I didn't mean, but I should have known better than to stir her up!

Many people have come to bat for me, on my personal page, so I feel better for it, but still.... I won't be doing that again, as it just isn't worth it! Bullies make me Mad... Grrrr! At least she's gone, for now anyways! 😀😁😄😆😉😊😋😤

Yeah, isn't it great when you can get someone who disagrees with you kicked off of a forum. Such an accomplishment! You must be feeling so proud!

I just wonder what in the world the bullies that will gang up on other caregivers get out of it. I will never understand what the thrill they could possibly get out of it. Maybe someone here can enlighten the rest.

Ali I am so sorry about that call in the past. Its funny now how drug addiction has become a "disease" all of a sudden when enough right people fall prone. I was reading your post, really trying to catch up. When I worked EMS people used to call on their mental challenged relatative usually on their monthly pay date because they didn't want to give up their money. These poor people, ultra sensitive to the abuse, were actually prey to evil manipulative people. One son call on his mother. She had been admitted for pysch for a long time and upon returning home did not like girl her son had there. She became upstet and did things that call for her to be evaluated not hurtfull to her self but questionalble and we could not leave these things unadressed.
I think its so bad when people use a person's weakness to hurt them.

Good luck with sorting through the heirlooms. I have lost and mourned so many good pieces because I could not bring them to my mother's house on two different occasions. I would move out a few years and end up coming back. This second and last time I had an almost new bedroom set I had to put in storage because I couldn't bring it there. It was a lovly set and of course the maid could not be in a room furnished better than theirs. So I put it in storage. I lost a lot of good pieces in storage because, well hear those monthly charges become like rent and before I knew it I was behind and you don't have access and its fdown hill. Did I mention my sister's furniture is in the whole floor upstairs and two room on the floor Im on and in living room and kitchen. Soon after I moved she had a new bedroom set delivered. I am supposed to try and let go of these things.

Ali, I refused to lose this bedroom set, it cost me a pretty penny, it lit up my heart because I finally had something nice. I tried to give it away. I didn't have much company or friends and relatives I asked would have jumped on it. So people were dragging their feet. I gave my cousin a nice piece my landlord had from when her mother had first bought house. She said I could have it. She saw the rest when my son go a uhaul and picked it up. So it went in my oldest granddaughter room. Looked lovely. Was a high bed so when they moved to Korea she picked out her own set. The quality of my set was beautiful. life time warrantee. I was just happy someone would appreciated it. Till to today my mother will call me a big liar if I say she didn't let me bring my furniture in her house. This is part of why I have issues with my room, I had no dressers and the closets were already full. I bought down an old dresser from upstair that I had left but its tall and the dawere are shallow. Now after almost six years I am in same place with more accumulations. I am making progress.

Someone out there will cherish some of your pieces.
That oregano oil works, colds, sinuses. I am taking now. When the weather changes I have to be careful. I am feeling the "tight" in my lungs took decongestant which I take every day in cold months. Going to do my albuterol nebulizer also either before I go in to work tomarrow afternoon or later in week. I cant do it in the morning because it make me a little jittery and then I cant sleep.

Congrats to all who have new family members baby cats and dogs.

Golden I hope you had a great birthday.
I will be working the day after my birthday so I am still pondering the hotel even, going out. Im going to play by ear. Plus I started planning my menu since I cook the day before I start my 4 12hr nights week. One of the girls went to see her mother for surgery and is having an extended stay so I am taking on one of her days. A blessing. work towards my computer. posiblly room, or birthday splurge to my self.
I got really sad new today. MY girl friend passed away August 2nd or 3. I saw a missed call from NJ where she was in hospice at sisters house. I called and the sister said they had just unlocked her phone today. I have been crying since I learned she had ca. If I think about her to long or in a certain way I cry. Its like its not true, I cant believe. I know she was in a lot of pain. I hated to hear her so weak and drained so when she explained that she doesn't answer phone because of the pain sometimes and she loved my text of sunshine and flowers and kisses that they helped, I felt better.. I cry and it selfish because I will miss my "big" sister in my heart and in my life. I cry also because I know she is happy and out of pain and misery. Probably with her mother and sister and father in spirit feeling sorry for us who are living in this realm or looking forward to seeing us.

I dreamt a couple of weeks ago that she was at my house in my room and I told her she looked good that she had put on weight. She said something like she felt good. I wish I had written it down while it was on my mind. I know after that dream I felt good and at peace about all my issues, my pain and hurts. I felt a little freer.
This morning when I left work my relief who was one time working 7 days (12hr) bought me some nice treats. I used to tell her to take her time and my concern of her over working herself. Well she made my day. I felt good. Got a good prayer warrior when I called my prayer hotline this moringing (a pastor who had similar experience I was praying about - letting go, forgetting the past hurts) It was a blessing and when I saw this missed call I knew it was about her and thought look at how God built me up today for this news! I broke down a tad, a few times this was middle of my 2hr ride t o work I got a good cry out and by the time the bus came it was just flow of tears and sniffles. I think I had had been preparing for this for a while. It hits hard and I don't think we are ever ready for that blow when it comes.
I remember when she said she had never been through any thing this hard. I am glad its over.
Crazy, but I am happy for her. Dang Im going to miss her!!!

No one on AC can get another user "kicked off" by disagreeing with them. It's their own words that convict them, so to speak. If someone is posting things that are typically controversial, and repeatedly walking the line of going against the rules, then... if I were an AC mod... I'd probably give them a Time Out. If they keep doing it, then... I'd probably consider a ban.

We all disagree every day about what course of action someone should take in a given situation, and it can be helpful to have all those different thoughts.  But ultimately none of us can get anyone kicked off. Users do that all by themselves.

Glad, I think outspokenness and hostility could be a reflection of pent-up frustration at someone's own situation. If it's perceived that not much can be done, and in many caregiving situations that's the case, then the frustration and anger are directed toward others, rather than the parents or others being cared for.

I can't believe that we don't all at some time get so frustrated that we want to yell, or stomp our foot, or just get mentally get away from the situation. Rechanneling to someone else I suppose helps the individual forget about his or her misery.

But there are also situations in which I become impatient with people who chronically complain and whine and then find excuses not to do anything about it. People on pity parties really challenge my tolerance level.

Duck, I'm so sorry about your friend who died. May she rest in peace. It can be a shock, I know. I was pretty torn up about losing my old high school boyfriend several months back. He was such a wonderful person in my eyes. He had drug issues, but he also had progressing MS and pain every day, and I wonder if I wouldn't be an addict, too, if I had those problems in my life. I agree: most addicts are not boogeyman but more like broken people.

To be clear, I wasn't using illegal drugs when the Trust Officer called me in to the local police as a drug user. I don't know how much he truly believed that, or if that was a claim of convenience, or some of both. I don't know who started the rumor that I was a druggie and had come to grandma's house to sponge off her financially. I don't know if the caregiving agency started that, or my cousin (whose siblings are drug users and whose niece did rob my grandmother of her valuable jewelry) the absentee guardian was saying that, but by the time I'd been here 2 months, the T.O., the agency, and my cousin were all saying that I was a druggie, and saying my father was physically abusing my grandmother, and me and my dad should be thrown out of the house. I used to laugh at the idea back then. How can they evict me from a house that isn't my legal residence?? I didn't care, let them send me back to my sunny condo in Los Angeles that overlooked the marina. But... my father is special needs and he would have nowhere to go, and I believed in his cause. He was being unfairly accused. Boy, the whole thing here got off to such a messy, messy start.

Anyway. Today is the day I take in the receipts! I need to get going. I'm dreading it, but it's ALMOST DONE. Time to buck up and get it all the way done!

Stacy i think bullying others on an anonymous forum is a power play by some who feel powerless in their personal lives or at other times just mischief making.
i know myself when i read some posts my first reaction is"Well what did you think would happen" Luckily I only think it or simply don't resond unless it is a personal attack

DDDuck, I am sorry to hear of your friend. I lost a friend almost 2 years ago, it hits hard. Maybe these losses are harder to work through for us caregivers because we are focused on an elderly LO, expecting the elders passing as a normal part of life. Then losing someone our own age is a shock.

My thoughts of these bully people is a couple things. As stated, they are anonymous and must likely feel a power in that which they can't feel in RL. The other is grouping up on one person due to difference of opinions is as childish as human behavior can be and needing group effort to feel in control and to feel they are "right"!!

Ali, yes giving the offenders warnings/time outs then blocking them from coming back. I'm on a forum for the community we live in, the moderator/creator 
of the forum just ousted a man for his rude comments and attacks toward others who would just post a simple question about locating a service in this city. His reaction.... he creates another forum posting nasty remarks about the moderator!! Immature at best , can only feel emotion by hurting others.

Duck, I'm sorry for the loss of your your friend. Take good care of yourself.

Ali, I hope it goes well with the trust and getting reimbursed.

Just checking in from sunny hot (30+)southern AB. Haven't been able to keep up well with posts. Had a couple of very interesting days driving around and sightseeing. Writing-on-Stone was great, The hoo doos are the best I have seen. We found a little Windmill museum beautifully kept up and very informative. Saw an picturesque old grain elevator still working. Will put a pic as my avatar for a while. Have seen lots of wild life including a swampy area with amazing birds - blue herons, various water fowl and a couple of white pelicans. We have seen pronghorns, mule deer, white tails, lots of hawks and gophers and a badger. The landscape is so different from Northern AB, and very beautiful in its own way.

On the down side we are still getting nowhere with the Insurance co. The latest is that the claims manager now has a messed up understanding of our claim too. We have requested a meeting for disclosure. So far they do not want to meet. I have resubmitted the Schedules of Loss to the Claim's Manager and his boss.

The meeting with mother and AB health went OK. Mother understands what is happening though she did not look too happy about it. She said she wanted to bring her pictures with her - some art and family photos. We saw a couple of LTC places and phoned a number of them. One just had a lot of vacancies and it is one we like, so we will ask for a tour when we return to E'ton and put it #1 on the list once the AB health person sends me her email!!! It looks like mother will have to go into a semi private room until a private one becomes available. Not sure that will work well, but it is what it is.

duck (((((hugs)))) I am sorry about your loss. It is not easy to come by good friends.

ali - hope Trust comes through.

bullies - I tend to stand up to them, but online especially, some are better ignored.

Keep your feathers unruffled everyone, stay cool, and dry. Poor Texans!!!

The outside patio part of the restaurant here is to die for - lots of running water, lush plants, sunshine, and glass panels to keep the wind out. The menu is extensive and the food excellent. The room we are in is mediocre, but the restaurant more than makes up for it and the hot tub is fine.

Take care of you, every one You are worth it!

Aha! Just got a call from the Claims manage who was bending over backwards to accommodate us They have approved the whole claim and made some concessions regarding certain items so our total will be greater than we expected.
We will go through his offer when we get home and likely accept it.

Whew!!!

That's good news about the claim Golden.

Really good news, Golden! Very pleased for you.

Thank you, Upset. These receipts, and what I was ever going to do with them if anything, has been something rattling around my brain for years. It will feel great to have it all resolved as best as I can.

I thought I was wrapping up the receipts but then I noticed some mistakes this morning when I went over some work my friend had helped with. It's not her fault -- I have to look at everything and make sure it's correct. She didn't know that some personal items on the receipts had to come out of the totals. I had to recopy and re-total some things. I'm working on a final new total. They'll have to go in to the Trust tomorrow.