Follow
Share
Read More

34K Comments

Newest
First Oldest
First
869 870 871 872 873
Ali, You're making progress.

I'm back in caregiving - temporarily. My dad's younger sister, age 88 lives in Houston. She was evacuated from her senior apt. on Thursday to another ALF. On Sunday she had to be evacuated again. She has 3 children all in shelters with their families. My aunt during the second evacuation slipped, fell and broke her collar bone. They called and asked if she could stay with me for a few weeks so that she wouldn't have to be in a shelter. My brother and I agreed she should come stay with us until my cousins make arrangements for her and themselves new living space. They're all retired. They know they want to stay in Texas, but not near the coast. My aunt went thru evacuations 10 years ago with Hurricane Rita. She stayed with my Mom for about a month then. She arrives here at 10:15. She told me all she wanted was a good hot shower and comfy bed. She said the shower at shelter was timed and almost no pressure, but that she was lucky to be at one that had a shower. She's one of my favorite relatives. 
(6)
Report
Upset, awesome you can help your aunt. Texas is having quite a time of it with this hurricane.
(3)
Report
I'm glad to do it for her. She lived with us a couple of times when her husband was deployed overseas. He was in the Air Force and did three tours in Vietnam. She's a sweet lady.
(3)
Report
Every time I see the news, tears come to my eyes. Those first responders are exhausted. I just cannot imagine! Prayers for all in the Houston area and now possibly Louisiana.
(4)
Report
It is devasting. My heart breaks as well.
(3)
Report
So happy to hear that Golden!

Ahhh...forum bullies. I do believe the anonymity aspect emboldens people to act out in ways they never would if they were face to face with someone.

When I first came to AC I got slammed by a couple people and received a few lecture-y responses from others. My problem was not a do-nothing sibling but the exact opposite, a controlling, "my way only" sister who assumed the role of dictator.

It was a very hard time for me. I was struggling with how to be of service to my parents but in a way that I could live with. I came here thinking I would find a safe place to open up about my situation. I needed to set boundaries and limits and was not sure how to do that. I was not prepared for the finger wagging that came from a few of the posters. Thank goodness I didn't let the thoughtless words of a few chase me away. I did find support here, particularly on this thread. It's been a tough four years but made easier by you all.
(9)
Report
My aunt said it was scary. She's lived in Houston for many years; said she had never seen anything like it in all of her Gulf Coast hurricanes. She said the Houston Fire Dept was great in both of her evacuations. She said her son had helped her get ready, so she had ID, insurance cards, credit and debit cards, medications, etc. all packed and ready for her to leave. She said as soon as she realized she was going to move again, she put her stuff in a plastic tote that zipped up and kept in her lap. She said the majority of people had nothing. I went out this afternoon and bought her a few clothes so she wouldn't have to go out to shop. She said she told the fireman after she fell that maybe she didn't have the mobility she thought she had. I have to get her to an ortho appointment to have her shoulder checked ASAP 
. They didn't do x-rays - just put her in a sling once they knew she was moving away from the area.
(4)
Report
Trying, I got the finger wagging as well. But that poster seldom is here any more. But I have seen some regulars here act deplorably to others when they are going through very hard times. I do not get it at all, and they know who they are. There is never an excuse to treat anyone that way, especially a caregiver that is struggling.
(7)
Report
A friend in Ohio steered me to AC when I was at the end of my rope with my Mom and brother last year. She's on various threads - I have no idea of her screen name and she does not know mine. We don't discuss AC. She was used to online forums; I had zero experience on a forum like this. As therapists neither of us were comfortable with discussing family. problems with a co-worker therapist.

I've had a fair experience on the site, but I can see where it might be difficult for some. My situation with my totally weird family is draining at times and I lose focus. There are so many backstories and at times I'm clueless as to what someone is discussing. At other times I can see why someone logging on for the first time might not share their story, because there is less a feeling of anonymity than one of close friendships and shared interests. I'm not sure if I logged on as a newbie now  how I would feel. There seems to be a shift in the the thread, but maybe that is just my perception as my own situation has evolved. 

As the caregiver center plans progress, I have been asked to start a website such as this. I have declined for several reasons. First, and foremost is the fact that we have a physical location. We have adequate space and staff for both group and individual therapy. Tied into that is the online bullying issue. Those who have more experience with an online presence have shared the problems with bullying, shutting out of individuals, etc. All of those I've talked with have pointed to the anonymity of the web makes it safe to bully, There are enough bullies out there without me providing them a safe space in which to operate.

I think AC is a good site,  if the web is the option you seek, or the only option available to your individual circumstance. It's been helpful to me.
(4)
Report
A/C has been awesome for me. I understand how you feel Glad/Upset/TRying. It does have a different feel. As for the bullying and shutting down. This site is too full of good for that type of negativity to prosper. It wont. The good aspects flourish with the good people like you and some many others. Who give honest, truthful advise or talk about some serious aspects in our lives. The devil is always busy. That's why a lot of us are here. the enemy does not want us to get our full blessings or for us to bless others. Our loved ones who are open become pawns and vessels for this evil. I have seen some things some things slip right past me. But just like in life the enemy exists here also.

The thing that helps me is venting. The thing that helps me is understanding and seeing and learning though other posters. I got a lot of heads ups here. No one of us is perfect. Some have more experience and better gab or are wiser. But the thing is that what ever gift someone has it may help another move on to a better understanding, may change their lives. I cant keep up with every personal history, I try but I am basically moved by the spirit. I see peoples tag name and I am glad to see them after a while. I don't have a heaven or hell to put anyone in. No one here or anywhere else does either. I do know the enemy get us to feel incompetent, wrong, f:&^kd up sometimes. But we post and we post and then we see others going thorugh the same. We just have to ignore what we feel is an attack. Take what works for us and bypass the negativity.
Then we also have to be open to constructive criticism or gentle criticism. I basically know destructive and consdescension. Some people get mad cause you didn't listen. We all move and understand at our on pace and and experience.
It is the love and understanding and acceptance on this site that makes it powerful.
I have been bullied all my life. After a while it gets old. People who need to do the bullying and shutting out are just children and narcissists trying to establish a kingdom of fools. Who else will follow?.
(5)
Report
I hope I didn't sound harsh. I just get real tight when it comes to unfairness and intentional sabataoge.
I keep thinking of my girlfriend. Same feelings only before I hurt inside because I knew she was suffering. Same memories. I am so glad that because of my life experience I was able to tell her many times over and over how I felt. What she meant to me. She shared that with me. Her enthusiasm to fight and fight she did. As a person in the field of medicine its hard to watch knowing it may take a miricale and that miricles happen. Her first fight was awesome, everything amazed the doctors. This last fight was too and her accepting the fact that the end is near is a personal thing. All I could do was tell her how much I loved her. Sometimes it was hard to call b3ecausee I didn want her to hear what was in my voice. I didn't want to cry. Every time I saw her I cried even when she was not so bad. I told her I cant take the pain away so let me do this or that. When she moved to her sister she said my suns and flowers and kisses were enough the made her feel better. She was sorry she couldn't talk sometimes and was glad I understood and I was glad she understood. RIP Big Sister.
(4)
Report
DDuck, Great response. You have good insight. Venting is what I needed and still need occasionally. My brother and I are going to family therapy. I think at times I'm there to hold his hand. Occasionally, I need some hand holding myself. He
(2)
Report
Duck, I'm sorry about your friend. My best friend committed suicide a couple of months ago. The loss has been difficult. Especially, because I can't understand why. I wonder why she had so little hope that she felt that was her only option.
(5)
Report
I've noticed the group is getting more judgmental. A new person came on yesterday and got chewed up by a couple of the regular posters. It was like kicking a dog. I wrote something, but it got buried in all the negativity. And the regular members wrote to the woman that it was her fault that brought it down on her head. I have noticed that quite often here lately. There is one member who is lording it over people that they owe their family member care because she cared for several family members. When someone is having trouble and bad feelings, the last thing they need to hear is this type of judgment.

When I read of people who are perfect caregivers with perfect families, I want to ask them why in the world they needed a support group, then. I know people can be artificially perfect online. To tell the truth, if they treat the people they care for the way they treat people here, I feel sorry for the care receiver.
(10)
Report
Upset, I lost my dad to suicide gosh, 50 years ago this next month. Not a day goes by that he doesn't cross my mind. Slowly, ever so slowly a loss like that takes a different place in the mind. Used to be I would shake my head and try to figure out why. He was a broken man. He felt hopeless. But most of all he was mentally ill. I think they all are to be able to do such a thing.

I am sorry for the loss of your friend.
(5)
Report
Thanks all for the condolenses.

Praise God!!!!!! I am happy for you Golden, Justice at last. Golden I don't do change well I was thrown for a minute looking for the horse :) Happy for you!!

Ali I hear you. Its just that some people use drug addict or psych to scandalize others in someones elses eyes. Its sad that those words will actually change a persons view or treatment of another without even knowing the validity.
Like one time I gave in and rented the downstairs apartment in my sister's boyfriend house he supposedly bought for her and her children. I had been loaning him money every payweek to help pay his mortage. My mother had done something outrageous, I didn't really want to go there but he came down on the rent back then it was 700. Three years later I was layed off. They closed the group homes under the agency I worked for. So I only paid half my rent. He took me to court for 350 dollars. The judge gave me 5 or 6 months to pay it. He and my sister harassed me did vile stuff. One day he fixing possible violations in my place and started disrespecting me about why my then sorry and abusive boyfriend (but I didn't see it)ditnt pay the rent he fk@@gme kind of stuff.I cursed him real bad, the neighbor next door said I scared her because she had never heard me talk like that. Yeah my sister did the ma thing but with him. I told them that they were not going to disrespect me and my house. I call the police. Sister met the officer at door told him my bIL was a correction officer and I was not paying rent. That PO was so condescending and disrespectful, I told him I am the one who called the police. I got his badge number and made aformal complaint at precinct.
Just seeing the viciousness when people do that. On the other hand it seems to slap them back in the face. Because I ended up living there rent free for six months.
Actually I am supposed to be trying to forget these memories.... shut my mouth.

Will be going off line for a few. Tomarrow I am cocking my tail to my girlfriend. We used to spend long nights drinking barcardy and jamming )(good music) and talking and laughing lots of time on phone. She lived downstairs.She would formally invite me and my son to dinner. He was like one or so and make steak with fresh spinach and potato salad. Alsways delicious. When I graduated from the EMS Academy I had my party at her house. She stayed on when we moved. Anyways I will celebrate her tomarrow then figure out what I am going to do for my birthday I have to work the next day usually low key and just me anyway. God Bless All. Healing Rays of Light and Favor to all.
(1)
Report
Jessie, so sorry you experienced and witnessed this bullying. I was told off a few years back for placing my mom in memory care. Much of this comes from being judgmental and not wanting to realize situations are not black and white.

New caregivers to the site should be given patience and understanding. They will ask the same questions others have asked many times before them. Searching for their topic of concern, is not easy to locate. I only bring this up as I have seen new caregivers told the info is on the site search for it.

Upset, I see your point re starting a online support group. You can refer them to this site. Given the issues that comes up between caregivers, I still think this site is very helpful and supportive.
(7)
Report
I just went back on to the thread and wrote the new person that the members were out of line and to vent away. If anyone wants to check my activity and join the thread to throw this new member some support she might feel welcomed.

I don't worry about online bullying much. I know I can just turn off the computer and the bullies disappear. I'm almost impossible to bully online since I just ignore. Or I get arrogant -- that really p*sses people off. Bad me.
(7)
Report
I read the thread Jessie. I see what you mean.
(3)
Report
Thanks, Sharyn and Gershun. I can tell she needs someone to talk about things to. I remember being where she is now when I first arrived. I know your words will make her feel so not all alone if she isn't already gone.
(4)
Report
I've never looked at other threads so I don't know what happens there. Jesse, you're right about the computer and bullies. You can turn them off. I don't feel like I've been bullied on this thread. Like I posted before, it's been helpful for me. But, there seems a slight shift of some sort.

I picked my aunt up last night. She's worn out from her long weekend in the storm. She took a long, hot shower and went to bed. I told her to sleep late this morning, but she's getting up now.
(4)
Report
Sometimes it is hard to get into the head of the person writing simply because of the way they write their question, I've popped over to that thread and I'm sorry but I can't see the responses to the original confusing, rambling post as bullying, people responded to what they thought she wrote - mom and dad tricked me and now they are treating me like a child and servant. Sometimes the best advice is to set appropriate boundaries or to pick yourself up and work toward getting out, not what the OP was looking for but clearly - to me - the directions people were giving.
(3)
Report
One more piece of input; when I first came on this forum, I was looking for validation that my husband's family were a bunch of idiots for the way they were dealing with their mom post open heart surgery.

I got told quickly that if I wasn't doing the hand's on caregiving, I should keep my opinions to myself and that I was doing more harm than good.

It wasn't what I wanted to hear. But it was the truth.

The truth gets lost in interactions in dysfunctional families and it gets to be a competition about who is "righter".

The fact that the majority of folks who responded to me said EXACTLY the same thing made me rethink what I was doing, saying, thinking and feeling pretty quickly.

Just my vantage point.
(9)
Report
The original post was hard to read. I am getting more used to that in these days of smart phones. It is taking longer to read a lot of things now because the writing isn't as organized as it used to be. I can't write more than a few words on my phone.

Maybe I am a soft touch for people who appear to be in emotional distress. They are the ones who need support the most. When someone comes on and has all their ducks in a row and loves caregiving, there's not really much support needed. I can relate more to the ones who are really struggling with the role, probably because I have struggled so much with it myself.
(7)
Report
I think that when posters first come to AC, and they seem to be in a frazzled emotional state, it's best to give them a "soft landing" first, and then help them learn that boundaries are not only expected but can be a lifesaver.

I think I personally full-on whined and vented my way through caregiving. Maybe that's the best some can do. And that's draining on other people, to try to sympathize with someone who's in pain and give advice time and again that isn't taken or applied. Rinse, repeat.

I don't have any answers but I think if we can muster the kindness to reach out to new posters where they are in their current mindset, give them sympathy and support, then when the tears are dry there is a better chance they will hear the advice, know it's coming from a place of caring.

It takes effort and energy to see a messy caregiving situation and sympathize with the poster, instead of saying "What a mess, get yourself out" etc. Life doesn't work like that for most people. Families are messy, aging is messy, WE are messy people, not perfect. This forum, to me, has been a place where you can come as you are, and get support. I think that's a good and necessary thing, but it takes energy and time to give to new posters. If another user doesn't have the time/energy to give, I understand, but then maybe they should refrain from posting to that person.

And if the last 2 comments in front of yours say, in so many words, "The problem seems to be You, the caregiver," then I don't see the point to keep telling someone how wrong they are, just to get your opinion in on it. I don't think AC users mean for it to come across that way, but it can at times seem like everyone just wants a chance to tell someone they're wrong. :-) I don't know. I'm not the most sympathetic poster, either, at times.

Everyone have a great day!!
(2)
Report
Your aunt has come from Houston area, Upset? I hope she's alright. What a tragedy in that area, so many people affected.
(2)
Report
Ali, She got in late last night after being moved twice. She's 88, but was living in an independent senior apt. She's in good spirits and resting up today. She's going to the ortho clinic this afternoon to get checked out for fall.
(3)
Report
I can't imagine dealing with a displacement like that at 88. Good to hear she has good spirits despite of it all. Good job, Upset. :-) I'm happy you can be there for her at this time.
(1)
Report
Ali, She's a nice woman. Her husband was career Air Force, She's lived and moved all over the world. She says she always knows she'll be okay, but she says it is worrying to see the people who have lost everything, have no resources and no idea where they are going to end up.
(2)
Report
Upset, you are a really good person helping your father's sister. I don't think this is the aunt that your cousin was trying to set up with you (that was a mother relation, yes??) and a perfect response to the you have to help refrain. If she was already in assisted living, aunt was doing her best. I think holding off on an on-line support group is really a good idea. Moderators have a full time job monitoring bad behavior, and you have the in-person facility. Maybe....a phone tree with volunteers, but you are in such infancy there. Taking too much on as you well know can tank a small start-up non-profit. Kudos.
Here's my opinion on the bullying. You can tell pretty quick who is going to judge you. Just don't read it. If the mean comments are there, I scroll past. If you are able to read what a person says clearly, then someone usually is supportive in this on-line bunch. It's long and rambling rants that have problems getting support - or if a person obviously only wants to have a poor situation validated. There is one thread with at least 2 years of how bad a family treats a caregiver and how much he keeps doing for them and how he can't change his approach. It's funny, when the internet and multi channel news agencies started up, everyone thought it would make people more accepting and understand multiple views. What has happened is that we have the option for smaller and more defined slices. You can find a person who supports whatever whack idea you have. Or hates whatever whack idea you have. JB, I could not have done for your mother what you have for your parents. My sister (after our father died mind you) told me that she would have taken him to come live with her. And she was sure I would have too. Nope, and I told her so. I would have helped him find a safe situation and financial resources to pay for it. But not hands-on. We are all different folks here. If you don't like what's being said, read or post on another thread. Love to all of you from North Texas. Please donate to food pantries, or Red Cross, or Salvation Army if you want to help the coast. And hug the ones you love - none of us know how long we have.
(2)
Report

Recent Questions


Popular Questions


Related Questions

Start a Discussion
Subscribe to
Our Newsletter