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Hi everyone!!!

It's been rather funky here with a heat wave and air quality in Red Alert. Very headachy days. We are having a mosquito issue here as well due to time of year, new builds watering new sod and over irrigation in established common areas of the subdivision. We have (several community members) reported it to county mosquito abatement. We should get "fogged" in a few days.

E started pre school today!! He did great, found toys to play with immediately while dd cried going back to her car, lol!! Hard for mom's to start letting go just a bit.

Getting guest room put together as my bil is coming to visit around mid month. This room has become a storage room of sorts since we moved in, haha!!
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Welcome Kay, We're all in or have been in your shoes. Feel free to share, vent, ask questions whatever you feel you need. Personally I had a narcissistic mother - the world revolved around her and my brother and his family. He was a different character. Mom died in May, my brother about 6 weeks ago. But their messes live on. You have a lot to cope with raising two teens on your own, in addition to your father's illness. Please come back when you need too.

Sharyn, I don't know which is worse - heat or mosquitoes. We didn't have many mosquitoes this year, but plenty of black  flies.

Golden, Your to-do list is lengthy. I didn't do anything today. Spent two hours speaking to people at the company about the bill I received. I am totally tired of these surprises. I spoke with my attorney. He said to pay it...it's in Mom's name and was incurred before she died. My brother and I both checked our credit reports again. Scared of my SIL, niece and nephew.
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I hope I am not counted as the MIA's? I read this thread daily, and comment on others, though not daily. So much hurt when you first realize you are dealing with a dysfunctional family. Though I have known it all my life, I received an e-mail from twisted sister 1 about four years ago, while I was providing 24/7 care for mom and her hubby, TS1, being a therapist, thought she would inform me that the issues were all so very dysfuntional! Two years into my caring, she finally realized it? And a therapist besides? I still have to just shake my head, roll my eyes and try to catch my breath. It is something that will always stay with me. Mom passed three months ago now, and not a peep from either TS. That is good news, I am trying to just let it all go, and too often, I read here about the same sort of crap others have to live through. Often, the memories, ahh, the memories just catch me off guard while trying to get past my own experience.

Sharyn, our sunrises and sunsets are absolutely gorgeous! The smoke helps, sure you must be experiencing the same.

Prayers for those in Florida that we do not experience what some are predicting.

I do love you all and so value the support you have provided over the past five years.
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Oh Glad, (((hugs)))!!! You said it exactly!! I keep most of it inside but your post brought out the tears. Ugh. It seems moving here has made the lack of family much more real.  

On mostly clear days, the sunsets are gorgeous!! Today we can't see the sky and the sun is a hazy orange orb. 
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Welcome kay. We understand. I have a narc mother and sister too. Sounds like you are carrying a lot on your shoulders and not appreciated for what you do. Singing for a little extra money? Good for you! You must have talent.

sharyn -your air quality sounds nasty and those mosquitoes on top of it. We don't get fogged any more -- pollution or pesticides - not sure which. E is fitting right in -awesome. It is hard on mums to let go sometimes. Oh my, sorting out bed rooms. I still have some to do from the events of last year. I have lived without much to do with my sis for years.  I am sure, despite the dysfunction, in some ways I will miss mother when she goes.

upset - I would take the heat over mosquitoes any day. Blackflies are awful. Here they have been known to kill cattle as there are so many of them. But we don't get many in town, Surely the day will come when there are no more surprise bills. Hopefully, soon.
My list is things I should have done the past few years but was not inclined to with dealing with mother and other issues. I should be caught up soon. You are wise to check your credit report. Quiet day for me too again.

glad - I see you lurking around. Not MIA at all. I don't know if we ever can forget completely the family cr^p we have been through. Maybe it is to remind us to stay away from it. The skies here were amazing when the fire was approaching last year. I hope never to see it again. Prayers for Florida for sure. Love you too!
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Instead of group session for caregivers in my section, I'm doing individual meetings tomorrow. Some have indicated they would like to speak in private. So tomorrow's the day. I have meetings scheduled from 7-7. So many women with so many different issues and so few resources.

Center is coming along. Having new carpet put down in two rooms. We had new appliances donated for the small kitchen.

Saturday evening a sorority at the university had a dance. They charged a box of Depends per couple admission. We got 153 boxes- various sizes men's and women's. So many caregivers have said that is a major expense they need help with. But, the needs 

Hope everyone is doing well.
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upset -- you are the Florence Nightingale of caregivers and deserve a big medal. You will have a very busy day, indeed. I am sure these women are getting tremendous help from what you are doing. Your community is very generous. What a great idea the sorority had for admission. Very creative, Don't burn yourself out with doing too much. Plan some down/fun time for you too.

Sinus headaches again. I am pretty sure it is an allergen of some sort. This too shall pass!!!
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The smoke and haze will be hanging around until October according to the news report. These conditions exit in so many areas this year. Even my brother is home bound. He does ok as long as he stays inside.
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Sharyn, The fires are terrible. And the smoke is such a hazard for those with breathing problems. My son was in Oregon on vacation in a few weeks ago when they had fires burning. My Granddaughter has asthma and they left on the second day. I hope that you stay safe and sound.

Golden, The students at the university have had some good ideas. Forestry council students have delivered fire wood. Some other groups have raised money to buy certificates for heating oil. Local beauticians have made home visits to help some of the elderly to get out a haircut or a new style. Another student group raised money to buy prescription cards at the local pharmacy to help with prescriptions. It's been a fantastic outpouring of support. A bunch of guys who build dorm lofts have put up shelving for a small resource library.
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My brother's father-in-law let's call him M, who lived with him and his wife, passed away on Monday night (best estimate as he was found sitting peacefully in front of TV next day by neighbor with both dogs waiting next to him). Please note he was not found by my brother or my sister-in-law as they were in WEST VIRGINIA not TEXAS where they live. Bro took a job as consultant in WV and SIL drove up with him leaving last Wednesday for a long weekend with bro over labor day. Please note that M was a parkinson's patient, vet with Agent orange disability, a recently diagnosed lung mass that was growing tho slowly, a heart condition and the beginnings of dementia!!!!!!!!! Bro and SIL took a 3 week trip to Ireland in August as vacation and left M with home health checking on him 2-3 times per week and a neighbor girl coming by daily to check on him. They came back home for about 5 days before leaving for WV together and leaving M home alone again. I am not as upset about M's death - his wife passed 2 years ago and he desperately wanted to join her. I am infuriated by the lament of my brother and his wife who left him there without 24/7 supervision and are now angry that home health didn't tell them how bad he was....!!! But rant over, now I will be polite and positive. The fun begins as M's $8K worth of monthly pensions that supplemented my bro and SIL's lifestyle are now GONE. Nuff said.
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Upset, it is so great there is an outpouring of support!! So many needs for caregivers and the elderly, shut ins. The Rx cards is awesome.

My brother has lung disease and is in California. So many areas are burning. We have the peyette fire, Montana, Utah, Oregon, BC and others. Staying is recommended and the best thing to do.
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Oh Guest, your anger is justified. People do as people want.
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Guest as you said "Nuff said" You reap what you sow!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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Like I said, M was ready to go. He served his country in Vietnam, and I listened to every story he wanted to tell, no matter how many times. I didn't live with him. M was incredibly kind to my son, in fact at one point offered to pay the auto deductible for last accident according to my bro who said he declined on my behalf. I would have too, but okkkkkk. Both my nephews have had their budgets supplemented by M for $500 monthly each for YEARS and I'm waiting for the other shoe to drop when my bro and SIL won't pay it out...I love all of them, but they are definitely folks who measure love by the $$. When I met my future FIL and MIL, I could easily predict the years to come as I'd been learning boundaries with takers for years. I love my husband dearly, but he still has trouble saying no. I keep telling him practice makes perfect....:)
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Guest - that is sad. What a very generous man M was, Leaving him alone was not good. I am glad he passed peacefully.
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Guest, I can understand the anger over M's death. That's a family who will have some rude financial awakenings without his generous assistance.
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My 2:00 caregiver appointment didn't show up. I called her home to see if she needed a ride. A neighbor answered the phone and informed me that she had committed suicide. I called the chief of police and he said she shot herself during the night. Left a note for her brothers and sisters stating that she couldn't handle taking care of their mother any longer without any help. I knew she had asked her siblings for help and they refused to do anything. Said Elder Services picked up the elderly woman and was going to place her in state care. So sad. She had said in group she was tired of the situation, but no indication of doing anything. I always tell everyone to always call if they feel like things are spiraling out of control or if they need help with something. A tragic situation. She must have so abandoned by her siblings.
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(((((((upset))))) I am so, so sorry. That poor lady was pushed beyond her limits. I know this will affect you. We always wonder if there was something more we could have done. Too late for a wake-up call for the sibs. They will live with their choices. This is truly tragic and very sobering for all involved. It shows how important support for caregivers is.
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Upset what a tragidy for both your client and her elderly mother. The poor old lady will be forever confused and wonder what happened. Even if she is beyond not knowing what is going on around her she will feel the loss on some level.
There was nothing else you could have done. She said nothing to indicate her plans so you could not have helped. Many times those committing suicide will keep silent about their plans. they often appear more cheerful and settled right before they actually do it. That is probably because they have made their plans and know they will soon be free.
I have been very close to several people who have taken that route. No one that I was emotionally attached to but all the same I knew them and saw the pain they caused.
Be at peace with yourself you are doing so much to help others in distress.
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Upset, truly a tragedy!! Why can't sibs step up with assistance? I am so sorry as you are doing such an incredible work for your community. I hope the elder is well taken care of and remaining sibs have much to think about!!
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Guestshop, my condolences on your brother's FIL. He was a good man to others, wanting to help others. I'm sure he really appreciated you listening to his stories, despite you hearing it before. I watched fave sis when dad talked to her. I can tell she tuned him out despite the 'uh huh' 'hmmm', etc... I know I've tried to be attentive but admit to failing once in a while. I believe, towards the end, he slowed down talking because he was forgetting the English words. But, I do know that he enjoyed our talks... I'm sure he enjoyed talking to you. Poor man. Brother and family will definitely see what it's like without his large income. {{Hugs}}
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Upset, I know what that caregiver felt. When you've spent years asking and asking your siblings for help. And not getting it. To the point it feels so much like begging. To hit rock bottom and realize, suddenly, that you're living in a prison. And no one, No One cares about it. As long as you're there taking care of them, Everything is Fine. And because you're drowning and you don't want to drown, you reach out to Non family members - hence the caregiving meetings. And it's not enough because you're still drowning with caregiving. That's All your life - work and caregiving. What about ME?.. And so, she reached out to you for help....

And Upset, remember this always. I went to 2 different therapists. Before each session ended, they required me to verbally tell them that if I felt like ending my life, I will reach out to family, or a friend, or them or 911. I refused to give my word because when I make a promise, I keep it. But, this, I purposely lied because they wouldn't end the session without that agreement.

I'm glad that she only took her life. When I was suicidal, I knew that bedridden mom and dad would be neglected, bedsores, etc... I knew in my heart and mind that this is true. I'm glad that this website and so many people pulled me from the edge. Otherwise, my family would have had to do a funeral for 3 people.

Those of us who are seriously suicidal, we present to the world a normal face. Inside we're drowning and death beckons us to finally, finally sleep in peace forever. Death is not scary... I'm Not Suicidal. But I've been there and it's a secret that no one knows but you. I feel sooooo sorry for her. She was reaching out for help but the drowning overwhelmed her. .. I have tears for her.
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Upset, this must be traumatic for you. My heart goes out to everyone who was affected by the suicide.
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Thank you all for your kind words and understanding. I question myself as a therapist at these times that I didn't recognize how close to the edge this person was. I have found out this afternoon that her husband left her along  with their two small children over the weekend.  He was tired of her putting her mother ahead of her own family. I looked back at my notes and this hadn't been mentioned. It's sad for her mother, her children who will grow up without their mother and her husband. I knew her husband slightly. My son played baseball with him in high school. He was a nice teenager.

I think this incident makes caregiver support even more important. There are so many stressors in this community even if you're not a caregiver. Becoming a caregiver just piles stress on top of stress. More reason to get the center open and get more support in place. I wish it were possible to give siblings who don't want to help, a dose of what their sibling goes thru every day. 

I checked with Dept of Human Services. Her mother was placed in a nursing.
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I am sorry that this marriage has dissolved, but I understand the feeling. It is tragic that his leaving led her to do what she did. 
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Upset, there ARE times when siblings step back because they see that the parent needs more care than any single individual can give. They see placement as a good thing and not "dumping" or "putting away". This is such a sad occurrence for all concerned.
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Barb, I agree that placement is good in some situations. It's my understanding that the mom was doing well at home. The siblings just didn't want to be bothered and they did not want to spend any of mom's money on help. But like all situations there are two sides. I'm sure no one will ever know exactly what all the details are. No one has claimed the body from the county.
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upset - you could not have known all the threads that wove together to culminate in this action by the caregiver. I am glad that the mum is on an NH. It is made even sadder that no one has come forth to claim the body.
You mentioned many problems in this community. Maybe this loss will spur more action to bring awareness/ resources to the caregivers, apart from the tremendous work you are doing. I feel so badly for her children and also for her husband.
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Upset, how sad. You should not feel any responsibility as you barely started this group, barely know the participants, no way to know what all was going on with any of them.

Being the lone caregiver is depressing, overwhelming and just plain unfair when there are siblings. It is a hopeless feeling, like a prison, as Book said.

You have done so much with this group in such a short time, it is amazing. Determination, I guess, sympathy and driven. Good for you.
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Glad, I don't feel responsible, but I do feel a tremendous sadness for the loss of a life and for her children. I didn't know her well, she seemed nice, but struggling in her situation. But I see that in so many of the group. I met with the therapists who work with the other three groups. They see much the same. One group is a little different. Most of their group focuses on how caregiving impacts their teenage children. As far as siblings I'm guessing that about 55% have siblings who help.

We agreed we may be able to be more effective or make a better impact with more services in the new center.

I went to visit a friend this evening. A former co-worker who is in at home hospice care with ovarian cancer. Her daughter had called me and said her mom felt up to a visitor this evening. So many people who have so many illnesses. We did have a good laugh. Her twin daughters and my son graduated together. We used to talk about what careers our children would pursue. She wanted her daughters to go into medicine so they could take care of her when she was old. I told her my son would never be a caregiver (and I still believe that). Her daughters are both vets. She was laughing about having having two vets in attendance.

If I drank, tonight would be the night. I don't even have any chocolate in the house. I'll settle for two Tylenol for my headache.
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