The Caregiver & Dysfunctional Families: How are you doing?

Bonnie~I had to giggle just a little(no offense intended) at your remark of your sister being nuts. I must ask, is she nuts as in immature, makes bad decisions, gets herself into tough situations, or is she dealing with mental issues? I hope your mom's tests come back good and yes, she probably is better off in the hospital until they know everything that is going with your mom. Bonnie, you don't have to be dysfunctional to post here, being supportive is all that is required and you are supportive!! We appreciate what you have to say. I understand your being protective of your mother. Believe it or not (due to family history), I have gotten very protective of my mother too. I do love her, what her to have good quality of life and be safe. I have intercepted phone scammers while at her house. When the caller realizes mom is not alone, they hang up on me, Lol!! We have been very fortunate in that I have gone out of my way to make contact with a couple ladies my mother talks to regularly and these ladies have been a blessing to us. They call me if they have concerns about mom and it has helped to stay on top of things with mom when I can't be there all the time. "N" is a former co-worker of my mother's. She has been instrumental in getting mom to allow sis and I to go through her mail which has helped to reduce a large amount of mom's anxiety since she can't organize her thoughts on how to process bills and junk mail. I now remove all junk mail daily. She can't write out checks anymore so we do that for her and have her sign the check so we can pay her bills. ""H" is another dear sweet lady 92 yrs. old. She is a volunteer for AARP, does my mother's taxes and balances mom checkbook since mom does not trust us to do it. Well, I hope your sister does not cause a scene. It certainly won't do your mother any good if she does. Sometimes the stress of anticipation of a scene can wear you down. It's good that you talked with the PA giving them a heads up. Boy I can relate to that type of situation. Take care and let us know how mom is getting along. Gotta go, today is dog grooming day for my mom's poodle, Lol!! Hugs!!

Oh my sister...she is the youngest of the 5 and rather pampered by mom and dad and the rest of us older kids. She isn't really crazy, just thinks she can do whatever she wants...like taking her little dog darn near everywhere including to mom's doctor appointment. Well, they made her put the dog in the entry way of the building, tied to a fake tree. Dog went crazy, pulled the tree over and made a big mess. Sister was told not to bring the dog (or herself!) to the office again. She is so darn unreliable! When I was back helping mom with breast cancer surgery and radiation, she was to drive mom at least once a week to the daily appointments. She did it once in the 6 weeks of those appointments. Her reasoning was "I told you not to have the surgery...so I'm not going there" sure enough, that sister of mine threw a fit when mom was diagnosed and didn't want mom to have surgery. When I arrived and went to visit the doctor with my brothers...the doctor was obviously relieved that sister wasn't there...and from then on referred to me as the nice daughter. We all love her and just accept her the way she is...plus we think the world of her patient, kind, loving husband. He is now taking her place at the family hospital visits. She isn't certifiable nuts by any means, just acts immature at 50. And even mom says it is all her fault as she spoiled her and let her do what she wanted. The scene we are avoiding is sis poking mom and asking "where does it hurt" as mom is in great deal of pain with that broken hip, shoulder out of joint etc. Mom was Ouch, stop, it hurts! so sis moved mom's legs so she could sit on the hospital bed and cried while trying to hug mom .Apparently one brother had to step in and tell her not to go back to the hospital until mom was much better. Like I said, her husband is a saint and understands how to deal with her. To describe her, I'd say she overly reacts in many cases. She is a great deal of fun to be with and is always charming and delightful most of the time. It's only when something doesn't go her way that she gets stupid. Spoiled rotten! She's 12 years younger than I am and I sorta looked on her as my little baby, so it's no doubt my fault as well. Seems she has gotten her nose out of joint since the PA has been working for mom. That has probably been the worst of it, when I think of it. Mom can so rely on her PA, who is just wonderful and super reliable, and the rest of us 4 kids thank God every day for her!

Sounds like your mother is getting a good deal of socialization with her lady friends. That is really important for her sense of well being. PA even helps mom with social affairs. She had an open house for her birthday day in February! and lots of people came. She had a nice dinner party for her grandaughter's soon to be in-laws...she has been thinking of having a dinner party again, now that PA can do all the prep work and clean up!
She sure is taking advantage of living in her own home!
Well, our little kitty has something wrong with her and two doctors have looked at her, rehydrated her and we are trying different cat food. If this cat dies it will really be hardest on my husband as he is very attached to Sweetie Pie. I'm just not up to more grief right now!
Haven't heard from PA today so wonder if she is busy getting mom moved. Hope so. I'm off to get going with the real work I have to do! Like clean the house. Thanks Sharynmarie.

Margeaux~I think that possibly with dementia, the person gets to a point where they are so withdrawn into their own mind and appear to be sleeping but can hear what is being said to them...they just can't draw themselves out of this state so easily and eventually they can't do it all. I agree, cherish the moments you get!!

Today was very busy, I was back and forth with mom all day starting with taking her dog to the groomer this morning, picking the dog up at 1pm. and back to mom's at 2:30pm while we waited for the nurse from the senior living community to come over and evaluate mom for either assisted living or the memory care unit. He stayed about an hour and just talked with all 3 three of us asking mom some questions, observing how she behaved and her answers. Of course mom has misplaced/hid her hearing aids so it was a challenge to get questions heard and understood. She would look at me for help and I would translate in a condensed version she could understand. He did not give us an answer as to where to place her today, said he would call sis tomorrow evening with his evaluation. Sis was shocked with how young he is...about 33. He shared that he has a 10 month old son and he used this as a way to talk with mom and get her to open up. After he left, we looked some more for the hearing aids which we didn't find, but we did find $1,300.00 mom had forgotten she had. That will be deposited back into her checking/savings account tomorrow, Lol!! "H" has been telling us that mom has been with drawing a lot of cash from her checking account but we couldn't find it until today. Tomorrow we have an appt. with mom's elder law attorney to discuss her incapacity and the conservatorship...hopefully we will get some answers and the court process will take place quickly. "E" (the nurse) suggest that we not tell mom about the move until last minute. He said from his experience, telling a parent in advance causes too much anxiety and stress. The move itself will be stressful enough for her as well as the adjustment period. We will get some additional advice from a nurse with the LTC policy on this subject.

I finally got out to prune the roses in the front yard. Long over due as roses start growing in February. I ended up cutting off many buds...it's roses and they will bloom again. My lower back hurts but it is a good hurt...if that is possible, Lol!! Hubby is going to a Stockton Ports baseball game tomorrow night with his dad. That gives me some extra time get some things done in the house.

Joan~ Where are you?? We miss you!!

Cmag~How are things going with you and your wife's recovery??

Book~I have thinking of you on and off all day...I know it was a stressful day for you with your mom's funeral. It is already Thursday where you live so give us an update as you are up to it.
Hugs to everyone!!!

I,ve never wrote anything before,because I couldn't relate! But I found this site , and I hope I am welcomed . Dysfunctional is the only word to describe my family.Taking care of 83 yrs step-dad . Bookworm I would like to send my condoence out to you & family .

Cindy~Welcome to our thread!! Come back anytime, share, vent and tell us about yourself and situation. Hugs!!

I suppose all families have some degree of dysfunction - the hidden and sometimes not so hidden rules that dictate how everyone is supposed to act - even when it's to the detriment of one or several. The thing is that when the family is supposed to "pull together" to caretake for the loved that all kinds of ugly comes pouring out of Pandora's Box. What has previously been under the surface, daring only to bubble out in moments of tension, become more explicit and obvious as the need to caretake becomes permanent rather than temporary. In my own extended family, we have been taught to make allowances for each other's shortcomings and idiosyncrasies, never offending one another, or 'rocking the boat.' For example, my mother and I are 'enablers' and have taken an overwhelming amount of responsibility for a great-aunt's care. The great-aunt's daughter, always the victim and the bully, now resents and feels insecure about her LACK of involvement for so many years. It has been beyond unpleasant, has pitted family members against one another, and has sadly, caused my great-aunt much distress that no one is 'behaving themselves.'All of these issues have been there for many years - decades - but great-aunt's health condition has really brought years of resentment, insecurities, and distrust to the surface. It's exhausting, and since I live with great-aunt, I am ready for it to be over. Great-aunt's daughter decided to move her to her home (10 m.) away because she now wants to give her the loving attention she hasn't been able to (sarcastically said) although my great aunt has lived in the same home for over 15 years and was perfectly happy in the current living situation. I have now had frank discussions with my own mother and sister regarding making decisions about what my mother will want as she ages. I want to have open communication with my sister so that we can avoid resentment. It won't be easy, I know, but it's really worth it for me to keep the loving relationship with my sister. I guess this is all to say that it is possible to create functionality and sanity amid the chaos.

sharynmarie, I'm not as sedentary as I was for I've been walking some on a more regular basis. I saw my doctor this week for my quarterly appointment. I've lost 15 pounds from 266 in December down to 251 and my A1C has come down from a 7.0 to a 6.5.

I received good news this week in the mail that I'm being continued on social security disability due to my bipolar disorder. This was the first time they had reviewed this in ten years. You would not believe the amount of paper work I had to fill out about myself and my wife had to fill out about me, plus going to one of their psychiatrists for an evaluation.

My mother continues the same and my dad is declining. Sometimes when talking with me he will make statements as if he is talking with his brother and then return his focus back to me. My wife's recovery is going well as she is getting out more. Her doctor is reducing her Clonazepam , anti-anxiety med, and she is having some withdrawal symptoms from that.

Rosebud1, So sorry you are dealing with your cousin and all her emotional baggage over her mother. Has your great Aunt moved to her daughter's house?
If so, do you go over to visit?
As far as working with your sister, could you meet with your mom's minister or lawyer or even doctor as a family and have someone there to mediate plans for the future? Getting everyone on the same track sure helps. Wishful thinking, I guess, particularly with your cousin. But you said you have a loving relationship with your mother and your sister so maybe you all can work out some understanding of what your mother wants and how you two kids can bring those desires into play, when and if necessary. And by knowing you are an enabler, keep an open mind! Good for you to want a healthy and loving relationship with all of your kin.

Sharynmarie, on the phone scammers...can you put your mom's number of the "do not call" list? Also, most phone companies will work with you in banninig calls from "unknown" sources. They have their ways of protecting their customers. You may have to punch in some numbers but surely there is a way to limit access to your mother phone number.

Cindy, welcome to this thread!

Bonnie~I want to forward her calls to my phone but my sis is against it. Mom is on the do not call list but they still call and when I tell them to remove our number from their list, they hang up. The last one was for a whirl tub. The scammers use different numbers so we can't block them all. I will call the phone company to see if they have a way to stop the calls. Thanks for the info!!

If the phone company can't help, call your county or state senior services. Scammers to elderly/seniors are notorious. Even some of the "ministry' folks prey on them.
I do remember something I could do when I was a CASA (court appointed specail advocate) to protect my home number. Also, some company had entered my phone number by mistake and I was getting a FAX all hours of the day and night. Then Comcast told me how to stop that by entering certain numbers which basically blocked everyone with the hope that someone would notice their FAX would not go through!
Let me know if you find some help. Worse comes to worse, change phone numbers and put as non-listed. Could your mom use a cell phone?
Gosh, I had a great Aunt that was forever being hit for missionary work, child care work, food help....I bet every dime went to the scammer's pocket. My husband says"I don't do business on the phone".

If you do get some helpful information from the phone company, please post so others may find some help, too.
Good luck!
Bonnie
PS. Mom is still in the hospital.

Hi all - I am here and lurking. Since I have no contact with mother, I have been taking a break. Truly I am weary of a lifetime with a dysfunctional family.
Cindy - of course you are welcome, and rosebud too.
rosebud I am glad you are able to create some functionality out of the chaos. I can apart from my immediate family, but not within it. You are right about ugly stuff coming out of Pandora's box at times of need. I hope someone has been named POA for your great aunt,
sharyn - all your work is paying off. I think it is very wise to not tell your mum ahead of time. Things are falling into place for your mum. I am still struggling with F/M and though the pain is less due ti the meds, I can still feel like I have been run over by a bus.
margeaux - sorry to hear about your hubbie's friend and the restrictions on visiting. I am glad he had a phone call. I have found, over the years, it is important to have contact of some kind, It helps when a friend is declining.
bonnie -sounds like things are being organized for your mum's return home. My only concern is with the chair lift and the angle of her hip when she sits. But I am sure the PT will address that.
susan -how are things going - you have a rough row to hoe. Hope fil and everyone are behaving
Austin - hope your are getting some comfort from working on your memory garden. It is such a lovely idea.
book - how are you. This is not an easy time for you and your family. Do let us know.
cmag -glad you are walking
everyone - sorry if I forgot anyone - call it brain fog
more weather warnings here - snow, freezing rain and wind - will it never end????
love and hugs to all - Joan

Joan~Good to hear from you, I thought it was because of F/M and sinus issues. Hopefully as the weather warms up it will be less problematic for you. I hope and pray that your daughter comes around and through her issues. I can only know how I would feel not being able to have contact with my grandchildren. I fear that with my son as he is converting to JW. Today he is 33 years old so I guess I have to be happy when he is willing to throw us a bone...so to speak. Hugs to you and hoping you have relief from the F/M.

Everyone,
We met today with mom's attorney giving him the letters from mom's PCP and the neurologist regarding her incapacity. He accepted them and said as of today my sister has full authority to make all medical and financial decisions for mom. He will put through the necessary paperwork to have my sisters name added as the trustee on all her accounts.He said that priority number one is getting mom placed. We do not need to get a conservatorship at this point unless mom tries to leave the assisted living community...calling a taxi to come get her,etc. He said that if she just accepts the situation there is no point and to wait and see how she reacts. He was very different than he was when we met with him in October. In October he was rude and pretty much told us to leave his office. I know that he is her attorney and looking out for mom's best interest, My sister gave him the letters from the dr.'s, he read them, then she asked him, "Are we friends now?" We laughed as he explained his position in protecting mom.

The nurse called my sister tonight regarding his evaluation of mom. He said she a stage 4 which means she can live in assisted living. (this is not an evaluation of what stage of Alzheimer's she is in). Mom's attorney suggested that we tell mom she needs to move in there temporarily for respite reasons and then tell her just a couple more weeks mom until she adjusts.( Those of you reading this that do not know my family history need to refrain from judgement). I agree that telling her in advance will cause more problems for her as well as us. Sis is having major guilt about doing it this was but she willing to go with it. If needed, we will get her PCP her prescribe something to keep her calm and sis and I will take her out for shopping , lunch,etc. while my hubby, nephews move her furniture, set up the bed. It breaks my heart to do it this way but I see no alternative considering my mom;s personality disorder. I asked sis if she notice yesterday when the nurse was there that when mom did not understand what he asked her, she looked at me to help her. She said yes. It' s not that I want to be trustee because I don't. Yet mom has always seen me as irresponsible. I guess I just want acknowledgement from her I am a good daughter and have stood by her even though I set boundaries around our relationship. Just once I would love hear her tell me she is proud of me and that I have done right in her behalf. Enough wallowing in self pity. Have a good weekend everyone and Hugs to all!!

Sharynmarie,

Well finally, you have this attorney on board! It's about time!
I think it's great you've asked people not to make judgments. People many times are too quick to do this, w/o fully understanding each family's dynamics.
I know this is tough for you and your sister. But as Emjo stated, everything seems to falling into place for you. Rest assured that even though your mom may never realize and be able to express gratitude towards you, the fact that she looks at you when she doesn't understand something in and of itself is a message to you. Remember actions do speak louder than words. It totally applies here.

You're doing all of the right things to accomplish the move.
I'll keep you in my thoughts. Much Love & Light! Margeaux

Well I spoke with my sister last night. She took mom to the ER, mom has been having a pain somewhere in the abdominal area. They ran a test and discovered mother has gallstones. Yikes!! So they can't give her anything for pain. Now she must wait to see her own primary doctor, and see what should be done, how serious these gallstones are, etc.

Then my sister starts telling me that mom has also had a UTI. I don't know how long she's been having this issue, but she's on antibiotics for this. Anyway they sent her home, and today I guess the pain subsided. Given all of this, I thought that of course my sister would cancel this weekend's plan of taking mom out to a dinner show for her birthday. But no, my sister went back and forth telling me how she's going to monitor mom, and see how she's feeling, then she'll decide.
I can't believe this. I did ask my sister whether she thought it a good idea to keep the dinner reservations. But I could tell by her response, that she was becoming defensive, almost as if I don't trust her judgment call about the matter. So I ended the conversation. I really don't like to engage in this kind of resistance with my sister. I mean, we could go at another time when mom isn't having all of these issues. So if mom looks o.k., tomorrow to my sister, I guess the dinner is still on. How crazy is that!!??

So I started to suggest some home remedies I searched on the computer about gall stones. While I was doing this, my sister brought up, that it may be advised that mom have surgery. I really didn't like hearing this, because I understand there's one, that is rather invasive. Mom just turned 92, yesterday and would not want mother to go through something like this.

We will see what happens tomorrow. My sister is so controlling!
But I'm trying to keep my cool, and not feed this kind of energy.
Margeaud

Since mom has passed away, I didn't feel like posting on AC. I finally realized that I needed a change. So, I changed my name and avatar. This current avatar is number 2. If I like it, I will keep it. If I don't care for it in the next few days, then I will change it.

**Bonnie – believe it or not but your sister sounds like some of the other posters’ siblings. If you don’t follow their advice, they will absolutely not help you. It’s their way or not at all. I think even a 50 year old bimbo knows better than to move a leg and know that they are hurting someone who keeps saying “Ouch, stop, it hurts!” Sounds like baby spoiled sister has a bit of a masochist in her. I hope your Sweetie Pie is just going thru a health phase and pulls thru it.
***Hi Cindy, thank you for the condolence. Welcome! I just wanted to let you know that I sent you a HUG. If you click on the top right PUBLIC PROFILE you will see other people’s post to your wall and the HUGS. If you click on the box with the words: MY ACCOUNT…..NEWS FEED. The News Feed will update you with the most current topic that you have commented on. It will also have all the HUGS given to you. And the LIKE.
***Rosebud – I hope it all comes out as you expected. It will be difficult and hard work to do it. Not impossible but … a lot of hard work. Let us know how it turns out.

Sharyn – only today, have I finally got the urge to write here. For the past few days, it was hectic, funeral was stressful (so much HUGGING and KISSING that it grossed me out to the point of my whole body shivering violently and the hairs on my arms standing up.) I Do Not Like Being Touched. We had to stand in the front pew of the church for 4 hours to receive HUGS/Kisses from people showing their condolences. My family knew that this would be a hardship for me. If someone touches me without warning, I automatically hit them. Several times, I almost dropped a toddler whom I’m carrying because they were overcome with affection, and gave me a very tight bear hug. OMGoodness! I shriek with laughter and revulsion – at the same time, violently trying to dislodge them from me. Nieces always on hand when I carry their children. Several times they rescued their child from me. =) So, this gives you all an idea of how bad it was for me to stand there for 4 hours to receive hugs and kisses. The things we do because it’s Tradition.

I read your words about how your mom view you as irresponsible. It’s the same with father and me. I can never do anything right. I don’t know what I’m doing. Let the expert do it. and so on…. When mom died, I’ve had people praise me for taking good care of her these past 23 years. I accepted it but the praise should truly go to my father. Even with her death, he has not praised me for helping him these past years. So I know what you’re going through. Hearing it from others is not the same if it comes from our parent. But, I have accepted it. Who knows? Maybe one day he will surprise me and say it! (When cows fly, hell freezes, etc…) Just like maybe one day your mom might surprise you...

Cmag - thanks for the updates on you, wife and parents. Sometimes as the poster, you don't see the parents progression of the disease until someone mentions it. I happened to be posting about mom's current health condition and several posters told me that mom was near the end. I was soooo glad that they told me this. It gave me time to text my 4 siblings in the states. 3 of them were able to come home and say goodbye to mom. Baby sis did not make it. Mom died at 4pm, sis arrived at 6pm. If posters did not warn me that mom was near the end - I would not have known. When i tell this to people, they are amazed that you all were able to figure out that mom was near the end as was posted.

Hi Joan! Sorry that your F/M has flared up. It seems to be flaring up a lot lately. Do you notice if the frequency increases a lot during wintertime? I hope you get better soon and no longer feel those pains daily. HUGS!!!!

Emjo,

It's good to hear from you!

My husband was quite happy to be able to talk to his friend. When he talked to him, my husband told him that he wanted to visit, but that the wife wasn't having it.
His friend thought that his wife was being too strict, and said it was o.k.
I didn't comment too much about this to my husband, though. She's not a very social person, so I think this plays a big element in this picture. But this is still his wife, and she must have her reasons. But I didn't want to overplay this aspect of the situation, because I know my husband, and I do sense he's felt a bit slighted too. In any case, he was glad they got to talk on the phone.

Maybe when the weather changes, your fibromyalgia will calm down.
O.K., Emjo I hope you are well, and don't be such a stranger. We've missed you.
Much Love & Light! Margeaux

yes my husband still wants to try for another baby, I think he wants to me to have another reminder of him but on the other hand I been out of sorts lately. I have reached my max but on the other hand my husband has allow me to have to have the bedroom back. Btw finally got his primary care doctor switched to mine. His old doctor didn't like being fired but I did not like being under constant fire from her. It is still unbelievable that people do not believe I am a caregiver and the medical community thinks so also. They think I can juggle two kids and a house and hubby. They want me to make hubby first and I cannot do that all the time. Hubby is seeming to do better but I never heard of a laughing seizure until I saw it , it is call simple partial onset episode. We still haven't found a neurologist he is happy with yet. I am on the other hand so tired I might as well be a zombie. I am not who I am anymore but I still do the job I am just in zombie robot phase now. I just go through the motions but my sister and I are talking again. She finally mailed me my wedding dress and had her 5th baby, the fourth one has aspergers syndrome also. she is also home schooling again.

I guess we finally seen that neither of us is perfect and stupid to hold a dark cloud over someone for so long. The one thing that made my day couple days ago was that my step dad said he loves me. It was sincere and unexpected but I guess my parents are starting to understand me which is unusual but it is still difficult to carry a conversation with me my mom with so much emotional stress between us. I mean we are trying and my parents know I am making it work. I haven't posted in a long time cuz I have had nothing worthy to say besides being so busy I can't stop to breathe. I will decide if I will continue to post on this site or not in the near future, just being burned out and my depression has gotten worse, to much of this and that. I wish everyone blessings and happiness and give condolences to the ones that lost their loved ones. So will move on and continue to take it on like usual thank you for being there.

Joan sure hope the f/m gets better as the weather warms up-I am doing ok with it I think the cmybalta helps-my NP gives me samples because my insurance eith does not pay at all or only a small am't. I have been busy with helping out a classmate from HS cope-he lose his wife in Jan and his brother just deid last week so I went through the wake and funeral with him and helped with the meal afterwards-heis comming over to watch Country music awards tomarrow night-my house will not be too clean-have been outside all day working on cleaning up the leaves and branches from winter.

ONCE A DYSFUNCTIONAL FAMILY ALWAYS A DYSFUNCTIONAL FAMILY........
UNLESS YOU SET YOURSELF FREE OF IT AND MAKE YOUR VERY OWN LIFE A HAPPY AND REWARDING ONE. I TRIED FOR 50 YEARS TO GET SOME MEANING OUT OF *FAMILY* NOW I HAVE FOUND MY PEACE AND YES I AM FREE AND LOVING IT.

Cmag~Walking is good to increase the endorphins in the brain, as I am sure you know, but just the walking is a great improvement to help relax and gain strength. I love to walk but just can't seem to fit it in my schedule right now. I am glad to hear your wife has improved so much since the surgery. I am sure it is a relief to both of you. Take care and keep us posted, hugs to you!!

Margeaux~I hope things worked out ok today for your mother and the dinner party. I understand your concern with your sis wanting to continue the plans even though mom may not be up to it. It should be enjoyable for her...that is the point of it all. As far as surgery for gallstones goes, at your mother's age I can see why you would be concerned. I don't have much info other than I believe it is done very simply just as the hernia surgery my mom had 2 1/2 years ago. They may even do it through the belly button and it is in and out in the same day. However, if it really invasion, it may be worth it to see if they can use lasers to break them up like they can do for kidney stones...don't know if it works??? My biggest concern is that the surgery no matter how minor it is, will cause your mother to progress in the dementia. It always did with my mom which is why her PCP told us not to do anything with her possibly having a hernia on the left side of the groin now. He could not feel it when he checked her a few months ago and mom has not mentioned anything since. Gallstones are different because that can cause her pain every time she eats. Keep up on it and let us know. Yes it is good to have the attorney on our side now. He was actually very compassionate and kind with us. A 180 to how he was when we saw him in October.

Book~How I can relate about all the traditions when people are just worn out. 12 days of mass and rosary services is a lot for you to go through. I think that what upset me about my mom is that she has given my sister some of her possessions that sis has coveted for years and was promised those things. The things that I want from her, she will not give to me. One is an old mantel clock that belonged to her parents,it is black and over 100 years old, the other is an antique picture in her entry hall of an elderly woman in what appears to be a European brick alley way near her home. It hurt my feelings when my sis told me mom had already given her the scales and grandmother clock she wanted. I know this sounds petty of me, but most things my mother has given me, she has asked for them back saying she only let me use them. I hope you are feeling better as time goes by and the sense of normalcy may not come to you until all your siblings have returned home. Hugs to you!!

I am feeling a sense of being let down big time. My sis and I had planned that when we moved mom to the assisted living, she and I would take mom out while our nephews and my husband moved her furniture, set up the bed,etc. Now sis told me today that she wants to be at the apartment while the men are moving everything so she can orchestrate where everything is placed and to make sure the bed is properly made!! So now I am the one who will take mom out for about 2-3 hours and it is ME who will be delivering her to the assisted living community while sis greets us at the lobby. I am so upset about this!!! Sis said that I won't have to take the brunt of her negativity if she greets us at the lobby. Well, I say B**l Sh*t!! Gee, I wish I could play decorator and let her be the one who whisks mom off and returns her to an assisted living community. A great way to end my vacation and what more could I expect, once the scapegoat always the scapegoat!! Thanks for letting me vent, I know it gets old after awhile!

Sharyn, I know that you're venting.
With regards to your sister, if she really cared for you -she would have asked your mom to give her those 2 things that YOU treasured. And when she gets it, she would have turned around and given it to you. I would have done that for my sister. I will just tell you not to tell mom that I gave it to you. and to hide it when mom visits. Simple.

So you know what, put you foot down, and Now is the time to take a stand. Because truly Sharyn, your sister is completely in charge of your mom- financially and medically. Let her start doing her duties toward your mother. You will both do it together or not at all. Simple. (Not really...)

What about mom's furnitures? Well, you both go visit the room mom is going to stay. Get an idea of what is going where. Go visit your mom. While one of you distracts mom, you can either take notes or use your cell phone to photo which furniture is going to mom's at AL. Give the cell phone to the men. Tell them this is what's going to mom and where it will be put in her new home. You can even take photos of the new place so that they know where it goes.

Or...you do what sis wants you to do and take mom out. When you go back to the AL and mom objects, you state Very Clearly that WE thought that this is best for you, that WE are concerned, etc... Emphasis the WE or say "sis name" and I. Because you know what, it is a group effort. And if mom still favors sis, oh well....at least you tried.

Cmagnum,

It is so good to hear from you. This is great news that you are walking.
It will also help with your overall mood. I notice my mood uplifted whenever I walk, plus it does help me have a better sleep, which reminds me I must do this today!!

I was watching a program the other day, that had some info., about how strict the government is, whenever one is on disability. Congratulations to you on this end, because I had a friend who was going through this a couple years ago. I remember her stories, about she not having the cooperation from some of her doctors, which complicated re-approval of her benefits. I'm sure it took a tremendous amount of patience and determination to jump through all these hoops. I'm very happy for your wife is making improvements also.

My mom had a similar episode as you've describe about your step dad.
She was also confusing my sister w/one of her long time friends with whom she had just had a conversation on the phone.

You and yours, remain in my thoughts, Cmagnum! Much Love & Light! Margeaux

Book~According to sis, this is brother's idea. I don't know if he thinks his son don't know what to do or what. My hubby knows how to make up a bed and it's a studio apartment, the can only go one way. I am thinking of asking my dr. to put me out on leave, then when mom is moved, I will be unavailable for a 4-6 weeks and sis will have no choice but to deal with it. If mom starts reacting badly when I pull into the parking lot, I will not park, I will drop her off at the lobby entrance with sis then go park. I can't bear the thought of having to try to get her out of the car, walk to the lobby if she is crying, arguing and combative by myself. I may have to get some Xanx for me to get through this. As far as the clock and picture go, I will get them when mom is moved. The clock needs to be repaired and there is one place in our area that does repairs well on old clocks. They used to have a store in Stockton but now only in Lodi. Sis will have to take it in and pay out of mom's estate. She already reimbursed me the money I paid for the deposit to put mom on a waiting list for memory care and the room. Sis just called said she asked for a one bedroom apartment for mom instead of a studio which will be better. Well I gotta get ready for work. Have a good day!

Sharyn, when is the date for the big move?
Maybe your mom needs the Xanx, too. Could her doctor look into that possibility?
Frankly, I'd be a nervous wreck trying to kill 2-3 hours with a cranky mom...then to take her to the new place without talking about it!

At the AL place, do they have some sort of "welcome" for new residents?
Any chance you could take your mom to lunch at the AL before the suprise move? Around here (Seattle) all the retirement places have prospectives to dinner at least once. Wonder if you could just say you were taking her to a new restaurant and see how she reacts? This would be before the move, of course.

Good luck!
Bonnie

Bonnie~The is planned for April 20th. I am making an appt. tomorrow with my/mom's dr. for mom to have a TB test and I will talk with him then about me. The Xanx, if he will prescribe it will be for both of us. I only need a week of the pills because when I took it in the past, I took 1/2 a pill to take the majority of the edge off, a whole pill would make me drowsy.We have been advised by several trustworthy, good people to not tell mom in advance. If mom was logical (no personality disorder or Alz) we could talk logically to her about this. In the Alz world of caregiving, this is called loving lies. Those who have a loving, trustful relationship based on mutual respect with parents won't see or understand how a person could do it this way.

Book~I told my sis this morning that if mom gives me any trouble when I pull into the parking lot, I will drop her off at the main entrance for her to handle because doing this by myself is going to tear me up. I have been depressed all day over this. I also told her I was going to see if my dr. would agree to put me out on leave without it being stated it is stress. I don't want it going on my record that I have emotional stress. If he will work with me on this, I would like 3 weeks of leave, and the week of the 15th being my vacation so a total of 4 weeks off work. I will be unavailable to my sister during that time except to get my mother moved. The FMLA will probably take too long to get but I will ask my dr. I am tired and exhausted with the emotional stress and sis is so black and white she doesn't get what I am saying without me being blunt and nasty. I was crying while talking with her this morning and she still doesn't hear what I am saying. I will try again with her with an email so she understands that once mom is moved, I will not be available for 3 weeks. I have to look after myself and sis is too concerned with her health issues (understandable) to see that I may be suffering. This is going to be my last memory of my mother before she is placed, it is going to be my mother's last fleeting memory of time with me before she was placed. Tuesday or Wednesday morning sis and I will go to the assisted living to see the one bedroom apartment to decide which one is best for mom. One is located on the second floor with a balcony ( concerns that her dog could fall) and the other is located on ground level with a fenced patio that is locked on the outside only (mom can leave thru the gate anytime and anyone entering that way must have a key). I think the ground level will be better for her but we will see when we visit. As Bonnie said, you can't make someone love you when they are unable to have that emotion, even though I have had the therapy dealing with all this, it now seems to be happening too fast for me to deal with it. I can't help but remember when my father had Alz and we as a family: my brother, sil, sis and I and mom all went together to place dad in a snh. It was the beginning to the final end of his life. I know this is what is happening with mom now. Dad was more progressed than what mom is, he was so trusting of mom that he never questioned her actions (I admit, I admire my mom for keeping dad home as long as she did). However, I was very angry with how happy she was not having to deal with his care. She refused to go to the snh during lunch because they expected her to help dad eat (something a loving wife would have done).I guess she deserved her freedom and happiness at this point in her life. I digress long enough and must end this post.

Thanks for listening to me and all the support. Hugs to everyone!!