The Caregiver & Dysfunctional Families: How are you doing?

Sharyn, My kidney disease was diagnosed. The nephrologist put me on a medication that was not for the type of kidney disease I had. It was a hospital nephrologist where I was working at that time. The drug company had said it could be used for two different types of disease. The hospital really helped me get an optimum settlement and I didn't have to give up any of my settlement to lawyers. The hospital had a video of a drug rep touting the drug for all kidney disease to the staff nephrologists and pharmacy dept. It was not a pleasant experience. I've done everything they've told me to mitigate the effects. I follow my diet, exercise, etc. I check every medicatin I 'm prescribed and also have my medication manager check. After that experience I don't think one can be too careful.

Upset, good the hospital helped you with litigation and avoiding attorney fees. My sis took a medication for psoriasis which caused a corn on her little toe to fall off. Being diabetic, the pit the corn left on her toe would not heal. My thoughts are this medication should not be used with people who are diabetic. Her toe was saved after putting stints in her leg to increase circulation.

just a drive by -the surgery went well yesterday and the dr checked my eye out this morning - A1.

Heading back home after dropping by to see mother and tell her we have seen some nice NHs.

have a good one everyone!

Great news Golden!

UpsetSister WAAHOOO!!!

Snap That Man Up Off The Market Before Somebody Else Gets their Meat Hooks Into Him!!! LOL!!!

HE'S A KEEPER, THAT ONE!!
CONGRATULATIONS, Really, that's just Awesome!! We need little Happiness and Excitement Around Here!

I don't recall if you have been married before not, but with All those kids, I'm assuming that PJ has been, Lol! He got great kids and Grandies, he must be a stellar parent, and is Obviously a Great Boyfriend now Fiance! YAY! I'm Super Excited for You Both!

Now take a pix of your Engagement Ring, and make it your Avatar, because I wanna See It!!! I Love Love! ❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤

Golden, so glad you've got your eye surgery behind you, and that it was a success!

You too Veronica, I hope all goes well with your Cataract surgery too! I sure do appreciate all of Your Nurse help and suggestions in regards to my FIL, and the recent troubles we have been having with him! Today is a Good day!

SharynM, Little E is gonna be just fine, having a Great Mommy and Grandma always there to cheer him on through life! I Love hearing how he likes to line up his cars and blocks in perfect lines, sounds like you may have a little  Engineer on your hands!

There's nothing wrong with being Special! He might very well turn out to be Super Successful in Something, it's just about finding that Something, and Encouraging it!

My 7 year old Grandson has ADDHD, AND is struggling with Reading. The school system has a special program for him, and they have also recommended a tutor for after-school. It's very expensive though, and we are doing our best to chip in a little here and there as best we can.

My husband has been giving our Grandson's Coins, trying to get one or more of them interested in his hobby. Be careful what you wish for as it turns out, all 3 are interested, Lol, and hubby's coin collection has taken a HIT! LOL! 32 years my husband has collected coins (he's loaded with them), and now each of the boys hit him up each time they come over, and that is Exactly what they are for!

Hubby now has our second bedroom set up as his "Collection Room", and that's the first place our Grandson's hit, as they enter our home. The eldest of this group, Kayden brought a Quarter Coin book that still had a few holes left to fill, and that is something my husband loves to do with the kids, as the boys really do seem interested, and are not just money grabbing, Lol! The jury is still out on the 3 year old, but he sure is a Cutie, and he loves to Talk, Talk, Talk!

Things have been really difficult these past 10 days or so, with my FIL (on Hospice) fighting a UTI, and having mental confusion, agitation and delusions.

Our Nurse is super responsive to his and our needs, Rx'ing new meds you help with that, and to help Him And US, get a good night's sleep. With his Lung cancer presumably advancing (there's no monitoring of that so we'll never know), his symptoms could be attributed to so many different things. Dementia for sure, metastasis to the brain possible, infection for sure, and reactions to the myriads of medications and simply beige bed bound, and it all ads up to Confusion for this sick old guy!

I have become much more close your him, because he has become my little PET PROJECT here, nearing the end of his life! I'm really trying my best to keep him happy and upbeat.

I think that I have mentioned that my little Charlie-girl has become Super Protective of him, and she alerts us to every sound or call out that he makes. Just this morning, hubby had done the morning routine with FIL, and was headed out to the grocery store. I was outside in the back yard, and Charlie started barking up a storm! So I went inside to investigate, and there's Charlie-girl, sitting in on the chair besides him, do I asked him "What's Up, did you need something?", and he said I TOLD CHARLIE TO GO AND GET YOU, so now he even has my little doggy manipulated! It was pretty cute though, she really watches out for him, and damn if she doesn't make sure he is getting good care! Lol!

Otherwise, things are going along pretty well, the days are a lot of jumping up, going to his aid, and when you get to him and ask what he would like, he then forgets why he called for you in the first place.

He is still eating and drinking, so unless he is feeling poorly with this infection brewing, I think he's still going to be around for a while. But he looks so frail and fragile, so skeletal and thin, and there have been days in the last 10 where I thought we were entering the final stages, but here today is a good day, following a good night's sleep which required little medication to achieve, and he is eating and drinking and alert, it's all baffling really! Two nights ago, he fought us all night long, going from agitated to combative to konked out. Hospice care ain't for Sissies!

Guest and Glad, I believe it read where you both recently lost your dog's, and I'm so sorry! It's devastating to lose your loyal companions, I know that I cannot even fathom losing my pooch! My heart goes out your you both! Until you meet up with them again in Heaven! And Remember, They are no longer hurting. HUGS!

Send,, Glad, CM, all of you, Thank you for all your supportive posts on my wall!

Today I'm getting out to see my sister, it's been about a week since I've left the house, and I'm going a little stir crazy, but I'm a homebody and it isn't bothering me too much!

Love catching up on all you guys, So Sorry if I've missed anyone! It's hard to go back and read Every page, time permitting. You all have a great weekend! Love you guys! 😘😙😚

Stacey, I was married for 25 yrs and have one son, 3 grands. He was married for 18 yrs and had 5 kids (3 still living), 32 grandchildren (28 living) and 3 great-grands (triplet 3-yr old boys). He has 3 grandsons who live with him (12-yr old and twin 8-yr olds). The other 4 who lived with him are in college -2 at Massachusetts Institute of Technology, one at Providence and one at Boston College. He has good kids and grandchildren. I'll do that with the ring.

Where's Rainey?

Upset, I was asking myself the same question a day ago. I suppose it's like anything, where people get busy or sidetracked by something and stop posting so often. I remember seeing a post from her a week ago, I think it was, and she hadn't been posting daily for a bit but she said it was just because she was busy with her life and her mom's care.

That's what I think I remember reading but... to be honest, I could be mistaken lol.

Stacey... I don't want to be a busybody... but have you thought about a plan for if FIL lingers for many more months? If you're doing ok with the burden of his care needs, then by all means of course you can make the decision to keep doing it. I'm just asking because... well... you did seem to want your own life back and you almost got it and now here you are again. I'm not trying to be negative. I KNOW how these things aren't a straight line! Perhaps setting a time limit that you'll keep FIL in your home is something you want to discuss with hubs. Just an idea.

You seem good, overall! I'm proud of you, how well you're managing this difficult situation.

Do you think you could do another 3-6 months of at home care for FIL? I'm just curious if you've thought about it. (I'm nosy, sorry! lol)

Rainey said something about posting in one of the controversial threads and getting upset. She said she was thinking about leaving for a while. I suspect that one of the people involved followed her over to this thread. I don't know that for sure. Rainey could be back soon. I understand. Sometimes you just have to take a break for a while.

I just looked on her message board and thought I could be remembering wrong. I do that sometimes. :)

Stacey, Ali The ring is on my avatar. Terrible pic I'm left-handed trying to take a pic of left hand with my right - yikes I didn't know how clumsy I am.

Ali, How did the measuring go?

Stacey, You and Charlie are doing a great job with your FIL.

NICE BLING, Upset!! lol Very pretty ring! It's difficult to photograph jewelry because it's usually so small, even that much more difficult if you're forced to use your non-dominant hand. :-)

The measuring went fine and thank you for asking. Now I have to plot out furniture placement and figure out how much will fit. :-) I haven't done that yet. I could work on it now, actually. I'm loafing a little -- it's Saturday evening here and I have no plans.

Golden, I hope you're recuperating well from your procedure. Thinking of you.

I had a date last night, someone I met via online dating. It was ok. We had a great conversation about elder care and he told me about his experience caring from his mother during her decline into Alz. The mom is now deceased. He's a nice guy. It's not a love match. I suppose I should tell him that since he's asked to get together again. Thing is, I would be open to seeing him again because he's nice and we had a very fun conversation. We split the check so it's not like I'm "taking advantage" of his interest in me. I don't know... sometimes dating in 2017 is a mystery to me lol. I'll tell him I don't think this is heading towards anything romantic and see what he says. I don't want to lead him on but I sure did enjoy his company.

Thanks Ali.

Dating, I used to feel like the line from "The Big Chill" - In the first 5 minutes I know what 's wrong with them.

Boring Saturday night. PJ is in Boston going to football games with grandsons in college and took my brother and little boys with him. I'm looking at Vegas hotel wedding packages.

Ali,
Be careful not to throw out the pickle man (old movie reference)-
just kidding but isn't it always the nice ones we don't want to kiss And the kissable ones we should avoid 😂

OMG! Upset! Congratulations!!!! I am so happy for you, you deserve it and PJ sounds like a great guy, I am thrilled for you!
Sorry been out of the thread again, this time it was my monthly nightmare and my usual stack of "things to do" that have kept me busy or in various stages of consciousness. Today was my first day feeling somewhat better. Managed to do a little gardening and then was wiped out. Hopefully tomorrow will be better. No, nobody followed me from the "bad thread" I honestly think someone hung it out to "bait people" as they were never heard from again. Anyway, once again, gotta catch up on everything but the first thing I saw was Upset's ring, 🤗🍾💘💍 and you really deserve it after all you have been through!
I will catch up on everyone tomorrow. I am trying to stick to my schedule of getting all the "to do's" done so I can enjoy October. Things are moving along. A few more dreaded projects and I can feel a lot less weight on my shoulders. Getting up and cleaning Mom's roof of leaves and pine needles is one of em. Ugh. My husband is afraid of heights. 🍂🍁 Congrats again Upset!

Upset
Are you looking at hotels on the strip ? Or, the wedding party can take a helicopter to the Grand Canyon for the ceremony

I think the hotel del Coronado in San Diego is the ideal place for a wedding- it was featured in the old some like it hot movie with Tony Curtis, Jack Lemmon and Marilyn Monroe

Congratulations!

Madge, We're looking at the Bellagio, Wynn, Venetian and Mandalay Bay. All of my family wedding planners have attended weddings at these places. My ex's nephew got married at Bellagio. His wife sent me pics and it was very simple, but beautiful. PJ and I will decide. It will be on Sunday 11/19/17 at 2:00 with reception and then a formal dinner that night. On Monday we're headed to Disneyland for 4 nights. All of the kids - college-grade school are out of school for the week for Thanksgiving.

Thanks Rainey - I got lucky!

Golden- Hope your recovery is going well. Enjoy the fall colors. We're headed toward peak colors here. A cool day here and there.

Once again I am hopelessly behind here :( I read back a bit and;

Golden- glad the surgery is done and you are on the mend.

Upset- congrats!!! How exciting, I'm so happy for you.. Gorgeous ring.

Stacey- End of life caregiving is in it's own category, it takes a special person to take it on it as you have. Your FIL is blessed to have you and Charlie girl too. I hear Ali's concerns. Things will likely get more intense and all consuming as his time draws closer. It's easy to slip into a state where you are running on adrenaline and pushing yourself beyond your limits. Whatever you decide make sure you take care of you.

Not much has changed with me except I had a mini break down last week. I'm working a full time job and a part time job, on Saturdays I cook a bunch of food and bring it out to Mom and Dad then listen to Mom complain and berate me for not doing more for them and on Sundays I teach RE at our church. Every where I go people want me to do more... school, parents, sis, church.... I just couldn't take it. I ended up snapping at my boss and my Mom and a fellow church member. Not good.

My husband sat down with me and we brainstormed about how I can lighten my load in a way that feels OK to me. I'm going to call Mom no more than four times a week and really stick to it this time. I will continue to do RE but not help create the lesson plans. I am going to actively look for another job and I will call in sick and take a mental health day if I need to. I'm also not going to make any plans for Sunday afternoon so I can chill if I need to. Most of all I'm going to work on the guilt feelings that are creeping back into my life. Anyone know of a good affirmation tape that addresses guilt? I had one years ago but lost it. It really helped.

Trying, I listen to a few positive, self-help type things but can't think of one that addresses guilt, specifically. My go-to way of finding something in this situation is to put certain key words into YouTube's search field and see what turns up. There are several things that say they are "affirmations to let go of guilt" on YouTube.

Sounds like you have some changes you must make in order to avoid jumping up for everyone else's needs except your own. You can only do so much and... like you said, you're already feeling the burden is too much and getting resentful. I hope you find a good affirmation. The ones on YouTube look to be a place to start. :-)

"Sometimes 'No' is a complete sentence." --There's the first mantra for ya. ;-) Good luck reclaiming some of your time and energy. It's important! YOU have to be ok or YOU can't be there for anyone else.

Thank you Ali! Your words were very helpful. Funny how we need to hear things over and again. I KNOW these things and I am quick to give the same advice to others but it's so easy to forget it for myself. Gonna go check YouTube :)

Therefore there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus.

Send, Been there, done that with not saying no. It took a LONG time but I finally learned. But No is a complete sentence.

Hi all. Ive been off longer than my norm. The computer on job broke down. I'm in market for a new one. The job is a HP. I have to get used to the typing, backspacing I hit other keuys that send me all over the place. #$%

Golden, I so glad your surgery went well. I kinda knew it would.

Upset congratualations!!! So there is hope?! Yay!! wish you the best.

Ali, I love your ambition and independence. I love to hear about your dates. I myself am a little scardycat when it comes to somethings. I think good people, and good spirits draw good vibes.

Ms. Madge, the pickleman? I neverheard the term but somehow I knew what you were saying. I agree one hundred percent. who knows, shoot Ali if you like his company that's the first step.

I wish, I wish.

Well this forum got me cheered up and smiling with all the good and positive happenings and truth.

I was just going to post that my girlfriends memorial service was today and that I had cried and vented in a "Whine" so I'm kind of worn out and then I read one thing and was like "What!!" I go back and was like "Really", back further" how nice"/ Then "Interesting", or "I wish".

Well!!! It was refreshing and uplifting to be in the glow of the spirit here.

Rays of light and love to you all.

Trying, No is powerful word. But the power comes from what is behind it.
So people who are used walking all over us and using us don't hear it, wont understand it until we mean it.
So these past few weeks, I was getting past my normal burn out. I had to turn to God and finally got comfortable with not doing certain things. I have been Cinderella in life for a lonfg time. And my family does definitely or did leave things because they knew dumb dora (that was my given name as a child) would do it. It took me a while to adjust to letting some things go. I still feel guilty when I walk past pee in the hall when I wake up in the evening knowing my sister and my mother step all over it. I stopped feeling responsible for so much cleaning. or why no garbadge bag is in the garbage cans. Why was I going crazy? Then I see today my mother isw cleaning out garbage can and mopped the bathroom. My sister started being concerned about my mothers eating. After I broke on her when I was loosing it. Like she doesn't just need to eat when you feel like bring her something. I mean I went up and yelled thru her door . she heard because now she brings her breakfast just about every morning and dinner sometimes also. It felt good at first. Now I'm starting to feel more left out :),I know lthese moves in my mother are just temporary. Sometimes the smallest load unloaded makes a big difference.

Trying, try and do YOU*. Stress kills, it makes you sick it eat you up from inside. Glad you got to point where you see you have to have a break. I'm also glad you have a supportive husband.

I need to be needed, I found I was killing my self trying to do for others especially those who didn't appreciate.
The takers will take and take and take as long as you give and get mad when you cant or manipulate lyou to keep giving.
Givers are not takers and we have to learn how to receive. Learn to deserve to receive rest, peace, happiness, goodness. Learn to not feel guilty to receive.

We make deposits, lots of them, love to others happiness, a treat. Its okay to get a deposit or take a withdrawal when we give so much of ourselves.

So now when I am off and go to kitchen sink and get smacked in face by nats or flies or the wasp thingies I donrt get mad. I find the source and show it to my mother let her express her innocences and blame me or whoever and then if I can stand it leave it. She gets to it. I show her and when she says well throw it out, I say I am not touching it You put it there you throw it out. I have just realized more ways she has manipulated me throughtout the years now I say no. you want it thrown out, cleaned , wiped whatever you do it. She pulls this wooden table out in the middle of the dinning room area. I don't know how many times she has done this. When she does it I am the one who say oh no not again, you know it don't work. No one else notices these things. nephew walks right past whenever he comes sister too don't question why table is upside down in middle of floor. last time she says come help put this up I told her no. Get my sister she here all day walking past it. I am eithr on my way to work or someplace. I tell her maybe this time she will remember its broke. She went to a store one day right before dark. I had cooked and gone upstairs. about three blocks around corner is a woman who knows us and stands in front of her house on a main avenue. She saw my mother and spoke and she says my mother was like ohh!! hi!!! and came across to her at which point my neightbor whom I give a couple of dollars to once in a while when I go away or for holiday because she looks out. She happened to walk up and walked my mother home. But what really got me is my mother told the woman that me and my sister watch her. So she knows and is aware of what we are trying to do even if she acts opposite. I legt early today or sunday afternoon to go to my friends memorial and then to work. She has a garbage can on a paint can. I tell her its going to fall she has to move it. Well she told me how I knocked it over and how it didn't fall until I came around. I just left and I forgot something and saw she had put it right.

I still get upset when I see how she lashes out at me when her stress levels go up. I see this crazy in my self. When I take a trip or something out of norm I get very stressed but I don't blame anyone. My nephew comes to take her to beauty parloar. I had been washinbg her hair when she let me. In the last two months my sister finally noticed this need afteryears and took herto gether hair braided. She was due for a wash and I had be coercing her for 2 weeks about washing her hair. Next I know my sister has noticed and taken her, Now I guess she probably complain to my nephew and even though he ignores me when I state I been trying to get here to let me wash her hair, I help talk her in to going to get her hair done.
So that is the dynamics of my stress I see and work on things way before they even notice a problem then when they address it I am the one who is negligent. My bitterness about that is what I am working on now.

But back to "NO". I am starting to get better at it. "NO" I am not going to allow you to disrespect or sabatoge. I call it as soon as I see it which is a lot faster now.

I'm very good at saying no. Hubs said yes on my behalf to a wedding invitation for people I've never met before. I'm not going cause I don't want to. Ah, so refreshing to just say no.

Yes, no means NO!