The Caregiver & Dysfunctional Families: How are you doing?

Did someone say dry socket!!!!!!!!!! One of the most utterly painful things in the world. Stoped immediately with a brown paste. Yuck, illlll !!!!!!!

Sharyn, sounds like are not a stranger to the tooth dilemma. I have had many a night sweat wondering why finding out I had a severe infection from a tooth. I haven't been afraid of the dentist in ages. Get her done!

I apologize, I am back to back to back.
When I got off Wednesday morning. I was dead tired, didn't sleep that day before work, sometimes my nerves go there and I was out of melatonin. so now I am off for four days get in house. my mother opens door I giveher her sandwich and search for my keys, they are gone. then I cant remember having them on job. O boy! so I break into my room. I call my cousin who has cancer to see if I dropped them in his car. I call job. no keys! Then my mother comes bamming on door saying she going out,got to find some man who has her stuff. I heard her and neighbor talking. I look out window don't see anyboy. I runn down and she is just strutting down the street with her bag on her shoulder with a dress over pants. I don't have my lensesontact no glasses) so I run and put them in so I can see. When I go back down she is at gate a neighbor walked her back. She still determined to see this man and get her things. I could not let her leave gate. I didn't have a key to lock house. So I struggle for a long time with my mother I was exhausted and pissed and I saw this wandering coming. It scared me I saw the repercussions of this new level. I got scratched on arm. The more I held her back the more determined she became. Seniors can be very very strong. I am experienced with safety precautions but I had no help and it was getting out of control. I told neighbors to call ambulance. They didn't, didn't want to. I couldn't because my phone was up stairs and I couldn't leave my mother.

Now I have been purposefully locked out of muy mothers medical care. this is her and my sisters cohooting from years ago. My sister refuses to address the dementia and other issue don't get addresss until she see it her self which is months later. So I know there is going to be a day I need to call ems and that is the day I can set my care plan in motion. Untill then she refuses to go to a doctor with me. As I mention I am a nurse for 26 yrs and an EMT with NYCEMS for 6 years. I think my mother and sister felt that the ways she has treated me, I wanted to retaliate by having her committed.

Anyway, not the case. So the guy who live across the street was moving. He and the guy thats's supposed to be working on the shed just looked at me when I motioned to call ambulance. So my mother is close to the one who is moving so I tried to distract her saying he was over there. Anyway she ended out, in street crossing over then my other neighbor whom I pay every now and then to watch and keep an eye out when I go away. she and my mother go to meeting together well used to and well she reinforeced a lot of things I was trying to tell my mother like counting money and street and not going anywhere by her self. She saved the day, walked with my mother to find this man. came back. meanwhile I call my nephew, told him what was happening, he said he was on his way. my whole feeling was like you and your mother don't want to get ma help so yall can come sitt with her. Then I called a counselor, I talk to who got me to see what I would get calling my sister. nothing. I wanted to tell her the same. You don't want to get her help. You don't help. I called twice, no answer. no call back. I guess she and nephew spoke inbetween because when I called him back he asked again what was happening then states aint nothing wrong with her and hung up phone. when I call back he hung up.

I don't want to be spiteful. But if I ever get in this situation again and have to take my mother to hospital, I wont be calling either one.

Duck, I cared for my mom for four years. In the beginning I would tell twisteds about mom's crazy delusions, but not during it. Maybe that was one of my mistakes. If they had seen it themselves, maybe they would have believed it. Near the end of the caregiving I would call ts2, the POA and would tell her there is something going on here that she needed to come and deal with. Once mom had fallen and sprained an ankle needed to get to the ER to have it looked at. And it was late afternoon, mom's worst time of day. Ts2 lived ten miles away and she had to make dinner for hubby. HUH? Hubby cannot make his own dinner? I stood firm. About 1.5 hours later ts1 shows up to take mom to ER.

Just a story to let you know it is not at all uncommon for siblings to remain in denial of parent's illnesses, especially dementia. It is a mental condition that are so taboo for some people to talk about, much less understand.

You did the best you could do under the circumstances. It will happen again. So be ready, have your phone with you, do not call anyone other than 911, and be understanding with mom so it is not misinterpreted by others. Then your plan is set in motion.

When my mom started exhibiting such difficult irrational behavior I called the police and fire station to tell them there was someone with dementia living at our address. She had just started becoming so bizarre. I felt the emergency responders would need to know what they may be walking into. They would still respond in an emergency, but at least had an idea of what was going on. Something to think about.

Hi All and a Big Congratulations to UPSETSISTER on your Nuptials! Many Blessings!

Yesterday, our kids, spouses and Grandies all got together to gather at my FIL's graveside to pay our last respects with a few words, a memory or picure.

13 of us in all, I was very proud that all my boys showed up in suits and looking so Handsome, our girls all so Pretty and wearing dresses, the Grandies in black dress shirts and ties, I am a proud Mommy, as none of this was discussed, and here I thought it to be a pretty casual event!

Everyone arrived exactly on time, and the moment I got out of my car and saw his grave and headstone, it hit me like a brick! I don't know why, I didn't understand it, but it felt as though my spine dropped right through my body and I felt dizzy and immediately started crying. It was not a reaction I expected at all, as I had been with him in the moments he passed away in our home, and had been at this very cemetery the following day making plans for his burial. It's been 10 days why am I reacting like this now? It was weird. My husband and daughter comforted me I pulled it together and was able to read off my memories of their Grandpa, and even read some of the memories for the kids is they were unable to being uncomfortable speaking in front of others in such a time of grief.

We spent about an hour there, the children running around my pup, and all the kids just chatting with one another. We all decided to walk over to my husband's grandparents grave, and realized that my father-in-law died on the very day of of his own dad's birth date. Well, that took me by surprise.

Now two Generations buried at the same Cemetery, my husband's grandparents and now his own parents. It was a bit of a life lesson for our kids, to see your last name written down on a gravestone.

We all headed off to my father-in-law's favorite restaurant here on the water front near our town, where I had reserved a big table. It was a perfect day we had great weather a little Sunny a little cloudy watching the boats and ferries go in and out of the harbor, the children we're in perfect form, funny, a little naughty, but well-behaved for the most part! You can't expect much less from little boys.

I loved reading and collecting all of the memories the kids wrote they were all so true so honest and from the heart. This now has put the finality to his passing, and will allow us to get on with finalizing all of his accounts and such. I've a few more places to contact regarding his pension money's and such.

I got into a fender bender over the weekend, made me very mad! I was stopped at a stoplight and a man rear-ended me from behind, I was the lead car and Bam he smacked into me before I had a chance to take my foot off the brake to go on a green light. The man was rude and belligerent towards me screaming at me and calling me filthy names as if it were my fault, where he was the one at fault striking me from behind. He scared me so I immediately called the police and my husband as I was only moments from leaving the house. The cop directed us out of traffic into a pull out, and my husband showed up within a couple of minutes. I got out of my vehicle and began taking pictures with my cell phone of the damage to my rear end bumper area and the front of his car capturing his license plate. He continued to scream obscenities out the window while the police officer was gathering our data sitting in his car, and the cop actually got out and told him to STFU! The man was Ticketed for failure to stop.

My husband was worried that the guy was unstable, hubby is very into safety as that was the business he was in, always worried about road rage and never antagonizing someone, he told me to remain quiet and not to yell back at the man. Which I didn't in the first place, but I wanted to!

All my husband said to the man when he arrived was, "Big Man" (as in, "Big Man for speaking to a lady like that"), and he never spoke a word after that! Hubby can be very intimidating with few words, when he wants to be!

I'm so glad the weekend is over and we put that past behind us! Today I have to make arrangements to take my car into the shop, get a rental car and move forward with finishing up the contacts for my father-in-law's estate. Thankfully, this time, I was hit by someone who actually has insurance! Geico, a national brand who actually has pretty good ratings and has already me about getting my car fixed and providing me with a rental car. I just hope my car is fixed and ready to hit the road as we plan a road trip for October 15th!

We're headed on a drive trip to Lake Tahoe, it should be a beautiful time of year with the fall leaves still changing in the low Mountain passes we cross over. We're taking my Charlie girl with us of course! She's a good little traveler, I hope!

I hope everyone here is doing well, I'm doing fine! Things are coming along and we're chipping away at putting away bits and pieces here at the house and fixing up things here and there. We've got big plans and hopefully we can get the majority of those implemented in the beautification of this home prior to Christmas. Did I mention we intend on staying here for a while? As that is now the new plan. We're going to stay in this house for at least a year maybe more, we'll see how the market and our health dictates that.

Love to you all! Stacey

PS: does the dysfunction end here and now? I hope so!

Hi Stacey,

That's a touching story about the gathering at your FIL's graveside! I'm sorry that it was rough for you at first; we never know what our reactions are going to be until it hits us. But it sounds like you have a wonderful family around you! I like that you went to his favorite restaurant afterwards; that's sweet.

Sorry about the accident, too! Yikes! :( Hope you have a better week!

Upsetsister,
My best wishes for your happiness and congratulations to you both!

Will you have to change your screen name to Upset Wife now? Lol.

In the hotels, they often use a strip of fancy paper slipped on the toilet seats to show that they have been cleaned. The hotel name is across the paper as you look at the seat.

You could order some specially printed to designate "Put the toilet seat down"
and "Mrs. PJ" to designate that is only your toilet.

Another thing.....maybe hold your first family meeting concerning toileting. Check to be sure the boys are lifting both the cover and the seat. You know why.
In the series "Bones", the scientist would have a special blue light that showed where bodily fluids were at a crime scene (mostly blood, but any odily fluids will do.

I suggest you treat the toilets at your new home like a crime scene until you know more.

All meant in fun, to celebrate your marriage!

Stacey, it is the way grief comes on us, when we least expect it. I love how you and family celebrated fil’s Life. Staying in your home for now is a good idea. Give yourselves time to process everything and having your home to yourselves for the first time. ((((Hugs))))!!!

Send, you are so funny!

Golden, hoping you and R have had success in finding a lab.

The extraction is healing well, tomorrow will be a week si I guess I can say no dry socket safely now!

Saturday dd and I went out to take some pictures at a place an hour away along the Snake river. It have camping and quaint little cabins. A high of 60 today! Last year at this time we were here visiting with our son and dil here too and it was high 70’s which is normal. This year we keep getting cold fronts coming in cooling us down about 15 degrees below normal. It is a pretty day out just chilly. I’m meeting my dd at the creek in 10 minutes for a walk. Have a good day all.

SharynMarie,
Feel the gum, does it tickle a bit?
Mine did for one year, and I still wonder if that was normal.

Wrong forum, sorry.

Thank you Whirldtravel!

Send, you are a Riot, but I do like your idea of hotel paper, and the black light test for UpsetSister!  UpsetWife, why aren't we all That at times? Lol! I may just change my screen name! 

What a awful tragedy in Las Vegas!  Make me want to re-think my plans to go to a resort place like Lake Tahoe,  but we can't live our lives in Fear, or the Criminals win! 
Praying for those who were hurt, killed, their families and friends!  So Sad!!!

The Vegas thing is terrible. We were thinking Mandalay Bay for our Thanksgiving. I think we'll stick with just Disneyland. My son's next door neighbor in Bakersfield had taken his 13 yr old son to the concert. It's only a 4.5 hour drive. It was a birthday gift for the son. They weren't hurt but said it was horrific.

We had a family discussion about bathrooms. Boys agreed they would stay out of the master bath. So far so good. We had all of the college aged boys home for the weekend. It was nice, but loud and they definitely eat...a lot.

Send, Great ideas regarding toilet seats!

Stacey, The family memorial sounds so nice. I hope the dysfunction is behind you. Watch out for BIL.

House additions are coming along. Wish it could be finished sooner, but that's not going to help.

I went to the dentist today for my pre-implant evaluation. They showed me a video, did x-rays, etc. They did the casts for teeth sizing. Once they get sample size teeth, I have to go back to check for proportion. Then they will set a date. I'm anxious to get this behind me. I've been planning for this for two years.

Everyone have a good evening.

Send, no it doesn’t tickle, lol! It is a bit tender yet.

Yes Las Vegas was a horrific act of domestic terrorism. I’m not sure I want to go anywhere where there are crowds of people like concerts. I am curious to see if this man had Isis connections.

Glad your post was helpful. I was going into a little depression. I was deeply resenting that my sisters true intentions and sabatoge have never been exposed and I am always caught with my hands around her throat and then told I am the oldest and I know better.

Whats worse is that I have a mother who has persecuted me and sentenced me wrongly all my life. I love her dearly. I made my self her protector as well as my sister's. So I cant lie and say it does not bother me sometimes knowing I would give the shirt off my back for them. What gets me is that that scenario is the story of my life with my sister. I am the farthest thing from an angel but there is no shame in my game.
I think she is even jealous that my mother is always knocking on my door for every and any thing. I have started directing her to my sister. Going to the store and picking up something is easy. Its the care that is hard.

As you mentioned next time I know who to call for help. I had erased my sisters number from my phone and put it back in to call her about my mother what a waste. But she cannot stand to be wrong or corrected.

I work with a nurse on job who is same sign young and I see the same traits. A few weeks ago she put numbers on all the med bottles and tops for my client and correlated with the medication log book I was like "wtf" but no way am I feeding into this. We struggle over it a lot. Today we got new cabinet. She bought me an oxtail dinner this morning saying maybe Ill do the number thing. Sorry but no. Today they bought new cabinet. I said no again. She srambeled all the meds like a child like it would frustrate me. This client takes about 30 meds. a lot of supplements, when I first started 3 years ago I had to look and figure out what was what. It was no problem. But it worry me that here I am with that same kindred spirit. Do I draw this sickness. Not to mention that this girl is the sweetest person. She was working 7 12hr shifts and I would tell her to 1/2 - hour late when client not in school and not to worry. We have a good working relationship but that blew me away.

All of that stupidness and people are suffering all over the world from man made and natural calamity. I pray for all those people the shooting the earthquake and hurricanes. Who knows what this winter will bring. Then you see your own vulnerability when someone dies. I see my cousin wasting away. He is hanging in there though.

OoooHh! Enjoy your trip Stacey. My father used to drive us upstate on weekends to go to this store or something but that ride was awesome during the fall. I remember how mesmerized I was the first time I saw it, I fell in love. So lovely when it lines the road and all the land. Have fun. So happy for you.

Hi all, how are you? Upset, congratulations on your marriage. I'm truly so happy for you and wishing you a wonderful chapter in your life with PJ at your side.

I've got a big week. I'm moving this week. Haven't arranged the movers yet but that's just details. I picked up my keys today. One Day At A Time right now but things are going well, there is progress every day. Even if I feel like a big scaredy cat inside, and I DO, I'm still getting a little more done each day. That's good.

I received an email from newly appointed Trust Officer and I've been waiting for this email regarding reimbursement of my receipts. She said they haven't reached a decision and asked me for a little more clarification about some things, mostly why I submitted the receipts now when as far back as 2012, the Trust did give me a disbursement back then for mileage to dad's doc's apps. Instead of trying to describe what was a very complex situation that I came into when I first arrived in 2011, I asked her if we could discuss on the phone for a bit tomorrow. I'd like her input as to what is pertinent info here. To me, it's a big blob of emotions and stress and strain. The caregiver experience was so multifaceted - the filthy old house with no food, my grandmother, my dad, the mold, my cousin, guardianship, filing evictions against my father, APS involvement - and I could tell her ALL of it, but I don't know what they would see as relevant to decide reimbursement.  

I hope you guys are well. Big (((((hugs)))))

Sincerely hope your emotions are ok, Ali. It must feel a bit surreal for you to have just returned from Las Vegas a little over a week ago.
So glad that you are back in Chicago.
Hope you can find gratefulness in your safety.
Be well.

{{{{{{{{BIG HUGS BACK!}}}}}}}}}}

Ali,
When you get your reimbursement, treat yourself to something spectacular - dinner at Webber Grill or go see Hamilton

Ali, yousay
I was overwhelmed as solo caregiver trying to preserve Dad's assets as long as possible. Now that he is in a safe situation and financial arrangements can be redressed, I am requesting reimbursement. I am not currently seeking general contractor fees for repair coordination or medical reimbursement for being in an unsafe environment with mold and other dangerous organic and inorganic compounds that were not properly removed despite notification. That can always be further discussed with counsel if we have a problem reaching mutual agreement. When may I expect the check to complete my departure so you can sell the house? By the way, update the insurance policy to be an unoccupied dwelling. Thank you.

Guest, thank you !!! for that input. I actually included your comment verbatim in my (lengthy) email. I put it in there as a summary-type paragraph.

Thank you for reminding me that I am SO DESERVING of this reimbursement. They have treated me so poorly through all of this horrible situation. And due to the supremely emotional context of it all, if I start describing what I've been through, why I didn't have any faith that this Trust would help out as they should have, I just get angry and sad. :-( Which I did... get angry and said trying to relay a little bit about *everything* as to why the receipts came now and not starting in 2011. I rambled out a big lengthy email that told the new TO more bad stuff that I've dealt with and why the relationship with them was so acrimonious from the beginning.

It was a bit of an indulgence, perhaps, to let fly with so much but... screw em. I've put up with their crap for 6 years, they can take a little bit of mine.

I re read my email. I think it conveys my perspective pretty well. If this doesn't get my reimbursement, nothing short of legal action will.

Just a precaution Ali, you don't need to leave anything out but try to be concise, this new trust officer wasn't one of those who wronged you (right?) so winning the war is preferable to winning points.

Ali, I haven't followed this thread consistently, so I'm not aware of all the issues with reimbursement.

But before you send that e-mail, you might want to take a second and thorough look at what documentation addresses your reimbursement. If there are categories, enumerate them, then classify your expenditures in those categories.

That saves the Trustee from doing that, getting bored or annoyed, and I would think would be a welcome treat for them by their not having to figure out what falls into which legitimate category.

E.g., if you have travel expenses, relate them to something authorized in the contractor or trust, such as meeting with funeral directors, travel to visit grave site to ensure correct marker placement, etc. These would all fall under end of life expenses.

Preparing the house for sale would include cleaning, meeting with contractors, purchasing of supplies (including travel to get the supplies), etc.

Thanks, cwillie. I'm not mad at her in any way, you're correct. I wasn't trying to "plead my case" more than I felt I was asked to do. I typed 3 pages (that was more concise, non emotional) describing the gist of things that have made the situation difficult and submitted that with the receipts. If that wasn't enough, then I needed to lay it out for her and others, I guess.

Thinking about it now, it is odd that I'm basically repeating what I put in the letter, except now I'm turning up the details a bit, telling her how horrible things were, how sick I was, how uncooperative (to put it mildly) they were. I'm wondering if she got that letter, if she read it. I'll ask her. I tried to answer any questions with that letter.

Soooo... I sent her another brief email asking if she read the letter and I attached a copy to the email and sent it to her.  

Madge, you're right, I should do something nice when I get the reimbursement. :-) A nice dinner out or a show, or BOTH. What a nice thought. Thanks for saying that, gives me something to smile about today. Ugh... now back to planning and preparing for the move-move.

Hi, I'm somewhat new to this thread. I need to catch up and read past posts; I'm just here to vent and say that I HATE my husband's dysfunctional family. They have a way of disrupting our lives and making each day harder than necessary. Last night, I discovered that one of them has convinced a friend to "stalk" my business social media account, trying to get information on me and my clients. Long story, but something like this is never good. I swear, if they mess with my business...

I also feel very alone in this. Friends don't get it. Until you've had crazy, narcissistic, psycho family members, you don't truly understand. I wish my DH's family would just leave us alone! Because yeah, THIS is just what we need, while trying to care for Dad!

That is all, thanks for listening.

This Brenda. I'm for a week in Texas, checking on my home. It's totally destroyed, but I've lived here 40 years coming from California, & have met some wonderful people. I left my son's grandmother in the care of her only living female cousin and she had appointments all week. I tried to pay someone to help her with transportation but she said no and I just said, ok. I'm learning to leave people where their at. They both have tried to make me check in daily by phone but I have called only once to give the time of my return. Lol lol Texas, homes have been devastated with the floods, but the city does not look like it did when Hurricane Rita hit. Sure its a lot of trash from walls & floors sitting in piles & furniture, stice & refrig's etc but unlike with Rita, tress were not uprooted & homes smashed in. Rita's devastation almost put me in major depression as I had never seen anything like this. But I tell yall, I've been here 4 days and I'm enjoying myself. I took care of what I could 4 my home, speaking to the right people (not a lick of insurance) and found out FEMA may not do anything 4 me because I wasn't there at the time. That is my main address. I was only away because my son's granmaw has cancer & has no one 2 help her. I was returning home just b4 the storm hit as I had become tired. I had become depressed. I had become angry. I felt like a victim. So I don't know what's going 2 happen & I'll just see what they say but since I have no home to return to, I plan to return but I'm going 2 save my money and return back but try to find a small place outside of here. I know people here. I have family here. I'm involved in community here but away from home I get out & absolutely love it but when I get back to her home, I become depressed, even angry. I can't live like this and it isn't fair to either of us.

Hi Brenda! Welcome to the thread. So sorry to hear of the damages to your home in Texas. It doesn’t seem right FEMA wouldn’t help just because you were not living there at the time of the hurricane. Maybe others on here know more about that than I. I can understand the depression and then getting away from the situation for a time.

Hi Brenda, Welcome to the thread. I'm sorry about the depression and that FEMA is declining you assistance simply because you weren't living there. I would talk to them again. Good luck!

Ali, Glad you are in contact with the new trust officer. I hope that your email/letter will get your reimbursement for you. You've been thru too much to not receive the funds you deserve. Have the good dinner and show. And perhaps a spa day might be in order.