The Caregiver & Dysfunctional Families: How are you doing?

Just to update you all on my brother's step son: My brother and sil are both on antidepressants. My brother thanked my sister for taking care of mom and deverting her off him so he could focus on his own health issues and his step son. My sil is (according to my brother...on the verge of a nervous breakdown as her son is now down to 115lb. I am guessing he is bedridden now. For those of you who don't know, my brother's 37 yr. old step son is in the final stages of cancer that started 8 years ago in his colon was considered cured, but returned in his liver and is now in his lungs. Sil's mother has lung cancer which is not responding to chemo. Keep them all in your prayers, positive thoughts...Thank you!!

Keeping them in my prayer, Sharonmarire. I'm so sorry and wishing you the best. You have so much to deal with right now. Just do what you need to do to keep your mom safe and reduce the stress in your life.

Sharynmarie,

I feel it in your recent posts that you are under quite a bit of pressure.
This is really unfair, how parents or loved ones give away cherished items, like this clock and the picture to one child and not another. The favoritism rearing its ugly head! My grandmother owned one of those beautiful Singer sewing machines w/wrought iron and a manual foot pedal. I learned as kid to sew on it, and am the daughter who to this day developed some sewing skills as a result of this.
But somehow, when our grandmother was at the end of her life, I was told by my sister that she inherited this piece of furniture. How this happened, is still a mystery to me. I was very offended by this. Strange thing is, I don't think my sister can even hem a pair of pants. But anyway, it was odd to me that I'd never heard my own grandmother saying she was leaving this to my sister. I really think, that my sister used her aggressive way of doing things, and convincing our mom to allow her to have it, once grandma had passed. But the point is, it hurt at that time.
This fact has worn on me for years, every time I see this sewing machine. It is a beautiful antique, and really meant something to me in so many ways! But at some point, I had to say to myself, to just let it go. I wasn't going to allow this to bother me anymore. I realize for you to do this at this time is particularly difficult also, given that it could for you represent a part of your past.
What I don't understand is, that your sister appears to know when to use her aggressive behavior to serve her self! Why can't she use this same energy to carry out the duties with the care of your mother! This is not cool in any way, shape or form that she's deciding to opt out as to how you and she'd originally planned to take your mom to the ALF. It's as if she wants all of the goodies, and accolades since she's the POA and all that, but leaving you holding the bag. Oh! I hope I'm not getting too carried away here, I'm up at 4:40 a.m., but your situation really got to me.

Well, what I can say, as hard as it may seem, try as much as possible to back burner this issue with the clock and picture, until things settle down. In other words, try not to add this kind of thinking if you can, to your already full plate.
No matter the hurts and all of that, remember who the parties you're dealing with, obviously some narcissism. Remember that word?

Meanwhile, I'm chanting for you, in hopes that something kicks in that will assist you on the 20th. Deep breadths! Much Love & Light! Margeaux

So Saturday my sister and I were in touch concerning whether mom was able to go to the dinner show for her birthday on Saturday night. Her pain had subsided from Thurs., when my sister had taken her to the ER, and she was diagnosed with gallstones. As I'd posted before, I thought the dinner plan was a bit much for mom to handle. Besides, mother is supposed to be avoiding many foods now, hopefully so that it doesn't trigger a flare up. But, as many of you know, my sister is the one calling the shots here, (legally) and controlling everything.

Anyway, we met at the restaurant. Mom looked very cute, wearing a sparkly cranberry red outfit. She turned 92. She enjoyed the music. There's no real dancing space, but at some point the band invited people up in a small space to dance. Mom, on her own got up, and my sister and me followed her up there.
The three of us danced, while my husband was trying to get some pictures.
All in all, it was a good evening, and I know mom enjoyed, and we all did for that matter.

My sister though, was sitting on a far corner of the table, as we were a big group.
My SIL, (whom sister has issues with), was seated right next to mom. So when I went to greet sis upon arriving, she went into apology mode about the seating arrangement. I told her, not to worry that it was no big issue. But, my sister sat there at the table, and tried engaging me, w/looks, since I was seated right next to my SIL. Honestly, some people just don't know when to quit! This is where my sister wears me out. So, I just didn't look in that direction. She's a tension builder.

I guess some time this week, mom will go see her PCP, to get more tests done concerning the gallstones. I'm sure meditating so that she won't have to undergo any crazy procedures. Margeaux

What a great topic... yet it's sad that in times of need for responsibility and accountability, families seem to "fall apart" when it's time to take care of Mom and Dad. I want to bring up something that is apparent in my family. I believe greatly that birth order in a family determines how children respond to the eldercare demands. I am the firstborn daughter of four. I have a natural brother 3 years young. When I was 10, my parents adopted a 2-month old baby and the next year we got a 2-week old little sister. As a result, I have always been the "little mother" and took care of everyone. When it became time to get power of attorney responsibilities, I just naturally asked Mom and Dad to grant it to me so I could help them when the time came. It never occurred to Mom, Dad or me to even mention this act to the other 3 children in the family because Sister (as I was called in my Southern family) just always took care of things. We just put the DPOA doc in the drawer until Dad started failing in 2006 with polyneuropathy (a nerve ending disease), Alzheimer's and other elderly-type medical issues. Then as I was needed I started helping Mom make medical decisions for him. I live 311 miles away in AL (my folks lived in FL) so I regularly made the trips to help Mom. Even when Mom called me to go "home" to help her make funeral arrangements for Dad (this was some months before he died) she didn't call the other 3. My siblings accused me of trying "to run things." I reminded them I had been the little mother of them for all of my life, so this was nothing new. Long story short, my natural brother insisted that he be added as Mom's DPOA after Dad's death. NOTE: He and Dad did not get along because of my brother's homosexuality so I don't think he really wanted to be involved in Dad's care. So, Mom modified her DPOA so that my brother and I share the responsibilities. As I see it, though, he has a whole different eldercare viewpoint because he is a middle child. He keeps saying we need to wait until Mom tells us what she needs us to do. I keep saying no, that's not how eldercare works. You have to guide the elder person in the way he or she needs to go because your Mom or Dad is not always objective about the hard decisions that need to be made. Then, my younger brother and sister (who happen to be adopted) are really not in the picture at all. It's not because I won't let them; it's because they have never been responsible -- either because we spoiled them rotten or because they didn't want to be. I could go on and go, but I just want to reiterate that birth order can affect how children fit into the care of elderly responsibilities. And, as some of you pointed out earlier, the dysfunctions of a family become very apparent as the parents age. It's sad to see how my younger brother and sister do not get along during this difficult stage of our Mom's life (now that her health has started failing), but yet they never did anyway. I am -- once again -- in a big quagmire because my siblings expect me to "fix everything" like I always have, but after overseeing the care of our Dad (who died in 2008), our aunt (Daddy's baby sister) in 2011) and being involved in my 97-year-old mother-in-law's care who died October 2012), I am really, really tired! Don't get me wrong -- I do want my siblings to help me, but with all the dysfunctions in the family, it's really, really crazy. Anybody out there with the same issues?

Cat~Thank you!! I need to put myself first once mom is safe and being taken care of. I plan to do that, sis will have to deal with everything for a while...it's her turn now.

I'd like to thank every one for the welcome. But I don't think I can share yet! I don't know where to begin & I'm not sure of my feelings. Thank God for Zoloft!

Redpengwin~This is my take on families when parents start declining: There is usually one adult child who takes on all or the majority of parents care. This adult child usually has DPOA. Siblings can resent not having that authority. Also siblings have their own reality so it is very hard to get everyone to agree. Some siblings will refuse to help because either they have no clue how hard caregiving is or if they disagree with the primary caregiver and want things done their way. Then you have the siblings who just don't want to be involved because of one excuse after another, they work, they have kids, they want to travel,etc (it is their choice).

My sister is the primary on mom's DPOA. I am secondary. I live in the same city as mom...about 5 minutes drive away. I do all the daily caregiving such as seeing that mom is eating, giving her medicine, collecting her daily mail to weed out junk and get the bills paid. While we have been working together on this, it has been difficult because my sister lives out of town, has health issues and she has failed in giving me any breaks by coming to town to help mom out. We both have to work. She basically wants deal with it from a distance, take care of all the financial, but does not want to do the leg work. She is older than I am. How we communicate with our siblings is very important. Understanding each other's limitations is important. If sister Beth is willing to take care of parent/s half a day and she does things different than the primary caregiver, the primary caregiver feels they are being disrespected. It is like a marriage. The wife gets angry because hubby takes care of the kids different than wifey does. Power struggles happen and can result in getting no help at all. Once we get our mother in assisted living, I am taking a long break. I already know how she will handle it, she will call the assisted living community to get updates. I am very disappointed in her.

I'm hoping that this birthday plan on the weekend mom attended wasn't too much for her. We went to a restaurant on Sat., So today, Monday, my sister calls to tell me that she ended up talking mom again, to the ER, yesterday. She's got the gallstones.
Anyway, now my sister is concerned because now she's telling mom isn't eating much. She a variety of BP, and ALZ meds, and didn't want to give these to her on an empty stomach. So this is why my sister took her in again. Now, this factor I did not know about prior to the birthday outing, of which I was of the strong opinion that it should have been postponed. Mom did order some shrimps, on Sat., which I'm not certain, but would think this isn't good to eat also in her condition. Anyway, my sister though that by taking her yesterday, they might admit her to the hospital to get these meds, inter-veneously. Bout no! They ended up transferring her to a convalescent home. So today my sister told me all of this, and now she's thinking that the convalescent home is a dangerous place for mom, because mom must buzz them, and nurses take forever to answer to the buzz. I don't know, but this is part about the control my sister plays, w/this whole management of mom's health.
I've been trying to keep calm about this, but it's making me very buggy!
O.K., I had to let it out! Margeaux

Margeaux~Oh wow!! I can understand your frustration. How long will she be at the convalescent hospital? It is too bad your sister didn't postpone the dinner. This is a lot for your mother to deal with and having dementia on top of it. I would think the nurses/aides would have to check on your mother since she has dementia instead of waiting for her to buzz them. I am not sure my mother would understand how to use the buzzer or remember to use it. Maybe you need to go visit your mother, it may answer some questions for you and help ease your concern. Dang sisters, just don't think they use very good common sense sometimes. Keep us posted, take some deep breaths, hugs to you!!

Margeaux~I didn't have much time earlier to talk with you. I know you are concerned about your mother and rightly so. I don't understand why your sister chooses to be so secretive about your mother's condition. I would be angry and end up telling my sister off (not suggesting you do that) but this is how I deal with things. I know you want to keep communication open with her getting her to be more forthright with you probably won't happen. I hope you are feeling better about the situation and that your mom can come home soon.

You are right that I am stressed. I am really disappointed because my sister has decided to do the what is easiest for HER. I am disappointed because I KNOW that once we move mom, she will only visit her on those days that she has an obligation such as mother's day, birthday, thanksgiving and christmas. When dad was in a nh that is all she gave to him and he was her favorite. My sister is very selfish and alway has been but she has a rude awakening once mom is moved. This community has a beauty salon so mom can get her hair cut there for a fee of course. I will still have to take the dog in every 6 weeks for grooming and any vet visits, grocery shopping, and just spending time with mom. I am going to force sis to deal with everything for a month or more. I will visit mom and it will be my choice in whatever else I decide to do with mom that will be pleasurable, but I am not dealing with any other responsibilities. I am not doing this because I resent her being the primary on the DPOA, I am doing this because I have been available and sis has had it too easy IMO. My mom set it up that way because poor sis has had a hard life, boo hoo!! Once I have had my break, I will agree to take mom grocery shopping every other week and my days off work will be MY days off period. My sister will not have to report anyone regarding mom's finances. If she sponges off mom, I won't know about it and neither will mom's attorney. My mom did not include a clause for paying oneself for caregiving. Her attorney said she did have it included at one time but in 2006 she dropped it. If sis decides to sell mom's house once mom is moved, she can do it. The nephew we were going to rent it to has now bought his own house so that is out. I do not want to be a landlord so unless sis is willing to hire a management firm to screen renters,etc., I don't know what we will do. Mom's house is in excellent condition and we don't want it destroyed by renters who won't take care of it or decide to trash it because they are being evicted. The market on selling is not good right now and the one thing this house has against it is that my parents converted the garage into a family room right after they bought it in the 60's so there is no garage. A small portion of the garage was reserved for a washer/dryer, sink, a chest freezer, and the rest is storage w/slider doors. There is a storage shed in the backyard where my dad had the lawn mower, chainsaws, and all his tools. The point is, the time I spend with my mom, I want it to be time that is memorable and yes, I realize that there will still be times Iwhen mom will be difficult to say the least...but I do not think the senior living community is going to work with me if I think mom needs to go to the dr. Sis is the primary now!!She better step up to the plate and plan on taking the time to deal with it fairly. Enough venting and speculating. Hugs!!

Sharynmarie,

I so understand your feeling resentful about the DPOA. I too, have felt like this,
since my sister and our golden boy brother were selected over me, (I'm the eldest),as you know. All the while growing up, my parents completely relied upon me to be the babysitter and in charge making sure my other three siblings made it to school, myself included. They didn't give me credit for this, it seemed that just was just the way life was, and everyone assimilated their own roles w/in the family.

I encourage you to put your limits down with your sister, during the next several weeks. You have your own things to contend with, also. Besides, let your sister start doing some of what needs to be done, being the DPOA. It isn't fair how this ends up in many family's, and believe me, I do understand this

Take care of yourself, remember the boundaries, of which I see you're setting them, and good for you!! You're in my thoughts! Much Love & LIght! Margeaux

My mom was released yesterday from this convalescent home.
She'd spent the night there after my sister took mom to the ER on Sunday, in hopes that they would inter-veneously feed mom her medications, since mom hasn't been eating very well. She found out last week she has some gall stones.
I thought this was kind of loopy thinking on my sis's part, I mean if mom isn't eating, she wanted to do this ER visit w/those expectations, shouldn't one rather see to it maybe mom would be fed nutrition inter-veneously?

Again, I found out about this visit, the day after. When my sister discovered all that was available for mom, was this convalescent home that falls too short below standards for the care of someone with ALZ.

My sister asked her boyfriend for advice, since he just lost his mom back in Aug.
He told her, that she needs to accept where mom is at. I guess this is my sister's denial, too.

Anyway, mom did finally start to eat somewhat better. I too, had to remind my sister, or ask (since I get the piece meal info) about what's going on. Apparently, she hadn't been eating much for several days, w/this recurrent pain of the gallstones. But this is where my sister and those caregivers really have to get way more in touch w/nutrition. Remember I'd written not so long ago mom was having a lot of heartburn? They really have to do some homework!

I'm just thankful mom is beginning to eat something, because I was getting really worried yesterday. I'm going there tomorrow to do relief duty, so I'll be able to monitor her, and ACTUALLY see what she's being fed. Margeaux

Sharynmarie,
Of course you must have mixed emotions about this move for your mom! Did you get to visit the AL and look at the available rooms? Did you and sis agree?
Did you see the movie "50 First Dates"? If you did, remember how they made a video for the gal? If your mom is dealing with dementia, maybe compiling old family movies, photos of happier times, etc., and put them on a DVD for her might be a nice remembering touch?
Remember what the "experts" wrote in the Reader's Digest...NO VISTORS for at least the first 3 weeks! She has to get adjusted there. My alcoholic girlfriend became that way when she moved her mother to a AL at least 5 years ago. She went every day and stayed. Her mother would not eat on her own or do PT without daughter there "encouraging her". It was the beginning of the most controlling experience! It was awful! Her mother was early stage dementia and kept telling daughter she wanted to go back home. Daughter should have weened her mom from these constant snit fits. Guilt...guilt...guilt, that is the strongest feeling my friend had. It was so sad!
Knowing your mom is in a place that really will care for her, must be the comfort for you. Expect yourself to go through grieving. You have a "new" loss and as such, it reminds you of the other such loses, like your Dad's. Every loss brings some grief. there is a wonderful book that was given to me when my dad died. How to survive the loss of a loved one (or something like that) It talked about different kinds of losses and the stages of grief.
Not having your mom 5 minutes away in her own house will be very different for you..a loss of a kind. You may need those 3-4 weeks off (I hope your boss approves!) to just grieve and adjust. Is it possible for you to go "on vacation" that would provide time for you to grieve the loss of your regular routine with your mother...and for you to start looking forward to making a new routine knowing she is fine and dandy in her AL place? It might be wonderful if you and hubby could go away for at least a few days. You have been so focused on the caregiving of your Mom that it may be time to re-establish your priorities?

I know this is no where near the same thing, but I remember having a real crying spell when I left for college. Homesickness! and then later when I was married and we lived in CA, my Dad was out there on business and came to see us. When he left, I cried and cried! It wasn't that I didn't love being married, I just missed the family and having Dad there was so wonderful...then it was so awful when he left. so you see, these emotional times can cause a great deal of conflicting feelings.
I know your mom has been very diffiecult for you to cope with...but you are still the loving daughter. Just focus on what you can do to "let it be" and become the loving wife/mother.
Your sis will have to pick up the slack. Moving Mom to the AL will not be as hard on sis as it will be on you. Sis already lives far away and unaccomstomed to seeing Mom often. When she drives home those feelings of "leaving Mom" will be the same as always, understand?
You have dome a wonderful job. Now there is a new job ahead, You will have to decide what that new job is!
Let me know how you are coming along. Sure think about you!

Margeaux~I don't want the responsibility of being the primary. I don't want to continue doing things that are going to make it easier for my sister. Everything I have been doing, I have done because I wanted to help mom. Prior to mom giving us a copy of the DPOA, if mom was having a colonoscopy, an emergency medical situation, the flu, I took care of it with no problems. My work schedule was such that I could do these things without it interfering in work. Sis wouldn't have to miss work either. Then when she found out she was the primary, she wanted the control and she started taking mom in for the colonscopies. Well, the first time she did it, I told her I would meet them back at mom's house when she got mom home. My sis barely got my mom in the house safely because she is short like mom, and with mom being very medicated, it was a real struggle for her to hold on to mom while walking up to the front door. Plus doing it sis's way meant we both ended up missing time off work. I would not want to handle all the finances like sis is going to have to do. Paying the bills is no big deal, it's managing the 4 accounts with CS, having receipts for everything, the IRA,etc. I suck at paperwork, I do all my bills online. The senior community will bill the LTC policy directly so sis won't have to do monthly paperwork on that. I just want sis to do her part once mom is placed and I really think she thinks things are going to continue as they have with me running all over town on my days off while she sleeps all day on her days off. No way am I giving up my days off!!!

Margeaux, I am glad your mom is back home and that you will be going by to stay with her tomorrow. There are websites with lots of info on diet for gallstones as I am sure you know, but getting your sis to follow it could be another issue. Hopefully she will do some research and see that your mom is fed more often with smaller meals avoiding that foods that bring on the attacks. Can any of mom's meds be ground up so she can mix it in with applesauce or something else? Let us know how tomorrow goes with you and mom. I am sure you are anxious to see her. Hugs to you!!

Bonnie~Sis and I are going over tomorrow morning to pick out which one bedroom we think will work best for mom. I am on vacation next week, the move is scheduled on the 20th...the end of my vacation. Yes, I am grieving because it is another loss for my mom. I have an appt. for mom to get the TB test tomorrow and I will talk with my dr. to see if we can work something out so I can go out on leave to rest my right arm with the tendonitis. I am not sure about not visiting mom for 3 weeks, the nurse at the community suggests limiting it to once a week for a month until she acclimates that way she won't feel abandoned. It all depends on how she reacts and if she makes a big scene spewing venom, then I just may have to not go at all so I can recover. I expect mom to ask to go home, it is normal even after they have been there a year. This community is only down the street from me...probably the same distance in time if I hit the green light at the intersection. Our town is only 65,000 population. Sis only lives a 45 minute drive, her issue is she is strapped for money and coming down her costs her more gas. That is why she quit coming down to give me a break once a week. Now that she has access to mom's money, I am sure she will dip and help herself out...after all, she is entitled after all that she does for mom (sarcasm). I will let you all know what the dr. says, and hope he will give me a script for Xanx, I only need it for 2 days so he doesn't have to worry about me getting addicted to it. Hugs!!

So I went to mother's yesterday and spent the night. My sister came home from work, which I was wondering why she came home, as she was taking the night off, by my relieving her, and she was going to her boyfriend's house.

She stayed there awhile at mom's and then left. Before she left, she left me w/instructions about mom's meds, the food etc. In the course of these instructions, I came to find out from her that mom not only has gallstones, but an infection in the stomach. So this means she's been prescribed more anti-biotics, aside from the ones she's taking for a UTI. This is how I keep finding out the developments concerning mom's health; piece meal!

Mom as a result of all these anti-biotics, isn't eating much. She's also complaining about a bitter taste in her mouth. So she is supposed to be eating a very bland, low-fat diet. My sister had made chicken soup. So she said to serve her some that evening. I noticed it had cabbage in it. So, I tried telling my sister about the fact, that she probably should not have this, because she still has pain from the gallstones. Anyway, so it was all about coaxing mother to eat something.
My sister is giving her Ensure, which my mom hates. But my sister keeps saying that she needs to keep some weight on mother, etc. I agree w/this, but I wish my sister would read about gallstones and everything mother is experiencing right now. I'm more about giving mother nutrition, and healing foods. Once we get the inflammation under control, I feel possibly mom would have more of a desire to eat.
Anyway, my ego had to take a total back seat to my sister, and her attitude, which was frustrating. Anytime I tried to suggest various foods, or inform her, she was being defensive w/me. Then I even started to feel like my sister's got me in her clutches, because I'm there where she lives, the power struggle. I so wish, she'd figure out, that on account of this kind of an attitude towards me, truth be told I don't go there to relieve her more. So I'm going to do more searches about mom's diet.
Exhausted! Margeaux

Poor you and poor Mom!
Maybe, just maybe you could make a smoothie from the ensure with some added goodie? Also, the V-eight brand has a fruit version. Again, good nutrition and such. Again, add some complementary fruit to it with ice cubes and blender away!
I used to make my mom a smoothie using dried non-fat milk, ice cubes, and other fruits like banana, oj. strawberries. Even canned pineapple is good. Add some sugar if too tart. Canned fruit works very well (peaches, pineapple, apple sauce), too.
I know nothing about foods for gallstones, so take my ideas and apply to what you have learned.

Take a good rest yourself.
If that Ensure comes in chocolate, vanilla, strawberry...you can get it to taste better by adding chocolate syrup, strawberries, etc. The secret is putting it in the blender with the ice cubes and blend until smooth.

Bonnie – You have gi ven so much good advice above. Sharyn, the DVD is a great idea. When my mom died, her baby sister started gathering old photos of mom from all the siblings. She then made a collage of mom young, teen, graduating, my father young, us children – adult with our children. It’s a large collage and so fascinating. As a final tribute for mom, she scanned the photos and put it into a DVD slide with background music. She made 1 for each of us 8 kids. Someone, most likely older sis before she left the island, downloaded the DVD into my laptop. When I got the DVD, I put it away. Lastnight, I saw an Icon on “Titas Memorial.” I didn’t recall doing a file on it. Clicked and started watching. I stopped on Chapter 2 of 12. Then I came back, and started again in the beginning. This time, I was truly seeing mom and remembering mom BEFORE the Alzheimer. OMG! Memories started flooding back. The love I had for, the feelings came rushing back. I was remembering the mom BEFORE. Remember, I was age 23 when mom started showing dementia and her personality was changing. This was a time when she became violent. I forgot all this because…well…that Was like 20 years ago! But the DVD was bringing up the Old Mom. I had to stop watching the DVD. I couldn’t handle the emotions. I will watch it a little at a time. Sharyn and even, you, Bonnie, if you have old photos, you can do it. I’m not techie when it comes to computer, but what Aunty did was truly beautiful. And emotional. And can be forever. Store it online, etc..

Margeaux, I have acid reflux, Gerd. I had to learn by trial and error what foods would trigger it. I went online and copied and pasted the DONTs on food. Cabbage IS a Don't. Uncooked (crunchy) Broccoli is a Don't. Acidy drinks - which includes water with lemon inside, Gatorade and Flavored water also triggered my reflux. Those V8 juices? OMG! I found one flavor on that little bottle. I just loved the taste and drank only halfway. I wanted to save the other half for the next day. That night, I had Severe Chest Pains, all night and the following morning. I went to the clinic thinking it was my heart. Nope - Severe case of Acid Reflux. Doc narrowed it down to the V8. She asked me if I drank a gallon of it. Nope. A large bottle of it? Nope. When she found out the small bottle and I only drank half of that small bottle, she told me that I am Very Sensitive to fruit drinks. She's right. After that, I experimented. She prescribed meds for the Reflux but I only took it one time. The rest, I did research, and avoided those food/drink that would trigger it. There was a time I had to take GasX whenever I ate pizza. Because I cut back drastically on the food that triggers it, I can eat pizza and lasagna when the cravings hit - without taking GasX.

Prevention is best. That means limit your cabbage and broccoli and Garlic (yes, even garlic) and curry. Anything that is acidy and spicy. I have eaten food with garlic and curry - if they kept the dosage low enough to give the food the flavor but not too much that it overpowers it.

As for sis, do what I did. Researching and reading sentences are a hassle. Since you know sis won't do it, you can do it. Really simple. Make a chart of the Trigger Food/Drink. You can put on the same line, recommendations.
Broccoli ........Not fully cooked/ Crunchy . ........ Yes - fully cooked
Cabbage " " "
V8 Juices limit amount, mealtimes\
Orange juices "

etc....

Margeaux~This is my 2cents worth...I think your sister is going through the motions of caregiving because she has too much on her plate. This is not criticizing her. Between working a full time job and caring for your mother, her best efforts are probably being given to her job because it is her escape. As a result of this, she only does what is necessary but is not really tuned into to your mother. I think you have mentioned that your mother has acid reflux?? If so, that could be causing the bitter taste in her mouth after she takes the medication on an empty stomach. Her whole system is probably stressed from the pain from the gallstones, being in ER and a convalescent home. I don't know if there is much you can do to change or make the situation better for your sister because she won't let you. As long as your mom does not have diabetes, ensure and boost are good choices but if mom does not like the variety of favors they offer then doctoring them up is a good idea as Bonnie suggested. Yogurt is also good to blend into it but again, you can only pass on suggestions to your sister or the aids and hope for the best. I have read on this site where others have said that their dr.'s have told them that Carnation Instant Breakfast is the same as Ensure and it costs less. It could be that the dairy in Ensure and other similar drinks may aggravate the gallstones, I don't know. I know you are concerned and you have all our support! Let us know how you are doing and of course, how mom is doing. Hugs to you!!

Your suggestions about the DVD are spot on. We did that for my side of the family after Dad died. My husband Dale's family did a great one for his parents 60th Anniversary party and then an additional one of the expanded family.
Loved what you said about watching the pre-diseased mom. Yes, so many wonderful memories flood in when seeing or reading from a past time.
I was looking for some papers from my first husband, David who was killed in Vietnam when I came across this one portion of a letter he had sent. It still tears me up after all these years.
I was thinking of entering the letter and ask you all for suggestions on how this past marriage may be effecting my marriage to hubby now. But I don't know if this is an appropriate venue for such intimate disclosures. I've never shown this letter to anyone but there is a real part of me that wants to share it with someone so at least one other person would see how much love we could share across the miles and through war, no less.

What do you think? There must be a forum for widowed folks who have remarried, or there should be!

thanks, Bonnie

Note to Dina...there may be so many things going on in your head right now trying to find your own path after your fil passes, that my little suggestions may not get near to the top of the list! However, I will pass on that you could benefit from the Domestic Abuse/Social Services programs near you.
You said you had thought about seeing them for emergency help during a past arguement. Well, could you make time to actually go and visit? to find out what services they can provide you?
As we've all suggested, having your own income benefits you in many ways, not the least of which are self-image and self-worth. There are job training programs, legal services, even room and board provided by a caring community. Please look into it for yourself.
At least find out your options! And make a point of explaining how your husband has been very emotionally and verbally abusive...yet you are financially dependent upon him for your very existence. When the fil dies, that income will be stopped which I suspect will be a shock to your husband.
What you are worth now is $20 a week...what are you going to be worth after he dies? What are you worth to your husband and his kids?

Gathering information will help you determine your options. You can find out what rights you have over income and property jointly shared with your husband. At our local community center we have tons of programs for people who need help.
I am concerned that you will feel ashamed if you are not being the daughter in law or wife that you have always wanted to be...but Dina, no one is able to live up to all their self images of their duties.

for the last 2 1/2 years you have been caring for your fil...when he passes you will have to find a new path to explore...with or without your marriage. You said you and your husband have gone through some very difficult times. And you made it! Just because you did make it through those times, doesn't mean you need to continue on that same path for the future.
You haven't mentioned children of your own. Is/are they a factor in your future decisions?
Remember Georgia2 who told us she was divorced and homeless at 57 when she started into the caregiving profession? You clearly have been a wonderful caregiver with great compassion even with the difficulties you've faced with a non-supportive husband. I bet you could be professionally trained/certified and go out there and be a valued provider, live-in or not.

You are clearly unhappy with the way things have been with hubby. If you don't want to continue on that same path, then get off the road. You can't change him, as you well know.
But you can change yourself, Dina. It may sound crazy but try to think of where you want to be, what you want to be doing, (see yourself with and/or without him) in five years. How are you going to be financially sound, physically strong, safe and emotionally able to look at life and be glad you are alive...in just five years?
Just thinking how you have spent all these years caring for others and now you just simply must look to yourself for the years ahead.
"you are the master of your destiny" or something like that!
Just know we are all proud of you and wish you all the very best.
Bonnie

Oops...wrong discussion group! sorry!!!
Bonnie

Yes!!! Bonnie and Book!! I am a novice photographer and I will go through all of mom's old photo albums to make a slide show on DVD. Most our happiest memories were when we went camping every summer. I do have some photos of mom when she was a child, some with her family and mom has many photo albums of all of us growing up. It will take some time to put it all together but that has been my plan all along. I just can't get them from her now. I think it is a wonderful idea and I thank you Bonnie and Book for reminding me about it.

For everyone:
I took mom to the dr. on Wednesday for a TB skin test and we went back today for them to read it. All is ok and the dr. filled out all the paperwork for the community so I brought it all to them today. On Wednesday I told my/mom's dr. that I think I may need some time off work to deal with my emotions after the move. I am stressed and tired since I been so focused on my mom's needs. He did script the Xanx and said I could give 1/2 a pill to mom on the day of the move and 1/2 for me. He also said that since I am on vaca next week, that when I go back to work and I decide on a day I don't to work to make appt. and he can fill out all the paperwork for disability. Mom has an appt. on the 18th for a med review.

I went by my friends business today. She is the one I talked about that got me into therapy back in my thirties, has a BA in psychology, and teaches bereavement classes. She helped me to see that I needed to tell my sister point blank that it is not fair to me to be the one to take mom to the community by myself, that I need the support from my sister and brother to do this. She also suggested that I start planting seeds in my mom's mind about moving to assisted living so it is not such a shock to her when it happens even though she may not remember me saying anything to her about it. I also sent an email to my estranged brother (his choice) telling him of the move on the 20th and that I would send him her address in case he feels inclined to send her a card now and then. I sent sis and email telling her I did not think it was fair for me to have to take mom to the community by myself, etc. She didn't get it so I had to send her another email telling her that I don't want mom's last memory before moving in being about ME taking her there. I told her I would take mom shopping and then she and my brother can meet us for lunch then we can all go together. I told her I need the support because I have been so focused on mom's care that I have become very protective of her and attached. Further I explained, that this is going to be very hard on me to have to let go of the attachment all over again and start focusing on my own life and home. I haven't heard back from her yet on the second email. She is so black and white that I have to spell it out to her which is part of our dysfunction from childhood abuse. Thank you all for all the support and letting ramble on and on... many Hugs to you all!!

Bonnie,
It's rich me, but poor mom. I can't have poor in my vocabulary, sorry, if you know what I mean. Like they say, a lot of it is about attitude.
Thank you so much for the advice about the smoothies. If I was living there, or realistically w/in everyday driving distance I could participate in all of this.
I live quite a distance, so when I visit mother, it's an overnighter, and it's more of a complicated plan. All I can do, is suggest this stuff to my ego maniacal sister, who thinks she knows it all. It's her way, or now way. So this is what I'm dealing with. Much Love & Light! Margeaux

I totally like this site and esp this discussion group. My family is way dysfunctional. My sister especially. It started at an early age. She got her way almost from the start and ruled the roost and still is. My parents, while nice people, had no clue on how to raise kids. They botched it up raising her. Now she blames me for not helping her. Mom was such a pushover and so sweet and sis took adv of that. Its a mess now. I could go on and on about their messes. I am getting psychological therapy and trying to break free from all the mess.

A quick drive by here - adjusting to meds is knocking me out a bit. I have been reading here and elsewhere and posting a bit here and there and following what is happening here.
Sharyn - you deserve a break and I am so glad you let your sibs know what you think of your sis's idea of leaving you holding the bag - the nerve!!!! You have done so much for your mum it will be a big adjustment. I am finding not having contact with mine is an adjustment. I do wonder how she is doing and suspect she has gotten someone else as hospital contact person if not POA, as I have heard nothing from anyone, but I know if I start contact again I am opening Pandora's box, so in self interest, I am staying quiet.
Margeaux - glad your mum is back home. The gall stones may be making her nauseated. I do think it was too much for her to go out though I am glad you all enjoyed it. I think you are right that your sis is not totally into this level of care. Your mum will need more and more attention as time goes on. You are in a difficult position.
book - you seem to be holding up. Is it any easier with just your dad to look after? Is he reacting to the loss of your mum?
Bonnie -how is your mum doing? Haven't seen anything about her - maybe I have missed it. You asked about a letter - I think anything goes here. In general your first marriage has to affect your second marriage - as it part of who you are today. I am wondering if you have a particular concern. I have been married twice and have a sig other now - not the same circumstances as you, but I do have some experience in that area. Each relationship is different.
susan - I read elsewhere you are taking a break -awesome
austin - how is your memorial garden doing, and also helping out your high school friend?
cmag -are you still walking?
everyone else - let us known how you are
here we have yet more snow though over all is melting . I am having less pain with the fibro, but had to cut back on the meds as I wasn't sleeping more than 4 hrs -aaaargh!!!! Trying to find a happy medium, Figuring out the sinus issues - have to be diligent with the peroxide rinse and also make a fresh solution more often as I think it loses strength
Had an email from my daughter which mentioned nothing about me visiting the grandchildren and telling me again that she finds me too negative. As I mentioned before me saying we are having bad weather this spring (it is the coldest and snowiest spring in years) is counted by her as me being negative. I realised she is like mother who lives in a nice ALF and is, over all well looked after, yet looks for anything that is not exactly as she wants it and sees only that. With my daughter, I am the target.
Hope to do better with posting as I get adjusted to the meds
take care all - hugs and blessings - you all are on my heart even when I don't post

You are so kind, Eve.
Here is a page from a special letter from my husband David in Vietnam...1969

...warmth of our love. Knowing that we have given of ourselves to each other. I love you, darling.
Love you so very deeply, with no reservations whatsoever. Just love complete. But then the love must be complete for it is your love that has made my entire life complete, worthwhile and extremely happy.
Today (sometime) we are supposed to leave Duc Pho and go back out to the field. From the last I heard it will probably be to secure one or two firebases.
DARN! "I'd much rather think about you, us and we two, than going out to the field. I miss you very much Dear. It's your letters that keep me going, so keep the letters coming...

That was just one page. But a special letter to me. Isn't he just wonderful!!!

He was only 29 years old when he was killed saving 3 men in his company. I was expecting our first child. I lost both my husband and child.
It was very difficult to say the least.

((((((Bonnie)))))) that is a huge amount of loss - both your husband and your child. I can't imagine how your coped with it all. After those losses you could never be the same. Your husband wrote beautifully - yes he was truly wonderful. You were blessed. I am so sorry that you lost him and also your child. Do tell us more if you want to. more ((((((((((((hugs))))))))))) Joan