The Caregiver & Dysfunctional Families: How are you doing?

I’m hoping with regards to insurance, I can be added to my hubs ( which is what I applied to do but missed the 60 days). He will have to reapply for 2018 like I have to. What I applied for was 2017, but I missed deadline for special reasons.
I am keeping my dd at arms length because I just can’t go out browsing with her and the boys daily then watch the boys too when she has to go somewhere. It ends up being too much for me being around the boys, their noise and everything being a 3 year old on a daily plus watching them.

Glad, nothing on Craigslist? Petsmart usually has cats, not kittens.

sharyn - re insurance - hope that works. I sure understand your dd having unrealistic expectations about your time and energy.  My dd did as well and I had to set limits. 3 year olds are bundles of energy.

Glad check out your local pet rescue sites. My friend runs a cat rescue.. always lots of kittens! And older cats that need love too!

My BIL and wife have gone away for the weekend again.. leaving 95 YO FIL home alone again. And did not tell hubs,, who found out from a call from FIL last night!! I hate this stuff.. he has daytime caregiver visitors, but WHT!!

Dd  will get results of E's evaluation in 2 weeks.

Oh Pam -again??? Are they clueless or what?

sharyn - it will be good to have tie results.

My latest fam dysfun - I found out that my sis had been added as POA onto the documents at mother's present ALF. I corrected that with the new place who reviewed their copies of the documents and saw that only I am POA. I will need to keep an eye on that. I suspect sis added herself. Can't trust her!

Oh wow! Pam that is horrible.
Golden, your sis is very sneaky

Yes she is, sharyn, and has totally no conscience about getting what she wants. If I confront her, she will deny it. I expect what happened was that she asked for information, and they asked her if she had POA ,and she made some "agreeing" noises and they did not check the paperwork. I know I absolutely cannot trust her. I did warn them that she might get mother aroused, but that doesn't seem to work for her any more. I never thought of her misrepresenting herself as POA. Thankfully, as far as I cam see, no harm anyway.

We have a rescue here in town, but they really did not have many cats, about half of them were having hissy fits, I have a hunch many of them were feral. There are lots of those here. Will keep looking, yes there are some on Craigs List, but about 50 miles away. If I go that far, then I have quite a large choice. One place has two white angora cats. Had one of those when I was a kid, a matted mess, drove mom nutty, so nutty, she dumped it somewhere. Mom was strange that way, she dumped a number of cats. Maybe because, if she had her way, I think she would have dumped some of her children too. It was just a very strange, dysfunctional childhood. Now that bipolar is so talked about, I really wonder if that was the case with her, as well as being narcissistic. TS1 take after her, 100%!

(((((glad)))) I would have liked to be dumped - anything to get away from the continual fights and put downs. Hope you find a nice pet.

No one (very few) got diagnosed in those days as there was such a stigma. And no one (very few) took treatment as that meant admitting you were "crazy".

So people carried on in their dysfunctional ways.

glad - I gather ts1 hasn't had a diagnosis or treatment either. Probably she is like sis in that she is fine - it is everyone else that isn't. Sis and mother used to talk about me - especially after they had been very unkind, and comment that I was in one of my funny moods again. They took no responsibility for or denied their behaviour. Gaslighting!

I always wanted to be accidentally left at my Dad's parents. No such luck! Dumped would have been good too.

Dysfunctional families are the gift that keeps on giving (even in death). Had been so busy the last couple of weeks I hadn't looked at some mail. Friendly collection letter about a credit card in my brothers name that Mom signed for. I called and verified that there were no other cards, closed the account and paid over the phone. I checked the credit bureau again to make sure nothing else outstanding. I'm sick of this garbage. To make things complete, my mother's 94-yr old sister called to see if she could live with me. This is the same aunt whose daughter tried to leave her with me. I told her no. I then called both of her son's and told them they needed to check on what was going on with their mother. One of them said he would go right then and take her to his house if she would leave.

Earlier this evening I went to a concert in town. PJ and one of his grandson's were playing the piano together. I thought they did well, but I'm biased.

Golden, Hope your mother's move goes well. I liked Edward Scissorhands too.

Everyone have a great evening. We're supposed to have frost this evening.

My sister and I were dumped at a relative's house, no explanations given.
That was 50+ years ago. That was all I could ever remember about my mother
for all these years, until reading this forum, finding others who went through this too.

Eeegads! Raceway about 2-3 miles away. Winds must be blowing right. OMG the noise! How do people ever sit track side with all the racket? Sitting there watching cars drive in never ending circles. It is noisy enough here!

Send, I never knew that about you. How sad! I could have ended up living with relatives if my Mom had succumbed to her breast cancer. When my Dad was dying of pancreatic cancer my Mom had a mastectomy and for a time was not expected to pull through. Who knows how much different my life could have been.

I guess it's the butterfly effect but bigger term in these situations. One slight difference and the future could be totally different. I guess our actions can affect more than we think at the time.

Glad, I don't understand the joys of racing either. I don't think I could take the noise and watching a car go round and round...no way.

I seriously thought of running away a number of times, but figured that mother, with her determination, would find me and things would be worse.
I am not for the races either.

upset - sorry about yet another bill. It has to end sometime.

Send
We're all thankful you were able to rise up and bring humor and guidance to a/C

Thank you MsMadge and Gershun for your sweet sentiments and acknowledgement.
As usual, I feel that I shared too much, and now am embarrassed. I have always made excuses that others had it much worse than I ever did. But there was huge damage done to my psyche, but mostly not remembering. I am better now.

Golden, Very wise to think things through before running away.
I just ran down the street when there was arguing.

BarbBrooklyn-That would be the case. If I didn't see her treat my 'educated' non-disabled younger brother with more respect. Also, If I were an only child, I would agree with you.

Golden-Exactly!!!!

I wanted to run away so many times. I figured it would be worse when I was found. Back then nothing was set up to protect children from child abuse.

I remember thinking I must have been adopted because I am nothing like my family, lol!!!

Send, I did not know this happened to you and your sister. We all have things, not the same but it sure brings us together here with painful pasts and how it has helped shape who we are now.

No car races here either,but many seem to enjoy it.

Our weather keeps bouncing back and forth between 50’s-70’s. Dd said it is not normally like this. Yesterday it was 52, today it is 60, and tomorrow will be 66, then Tuesday is 71. By Friday it will be back in the 50’s. As long as there is no wind, it is very nice.

PJ and I left the gang at home and went over to the coast for lunch. Very nice out - took our meal out on the dock to eat. Went for a walk on the rocks. Nice afternoon.

Golden, I wish you the best with your mother's move. Sounds like a good place. Hope you feel better.

Glad I am happy for you looking for a new kitten. I swear they are so adorable. I am not a cat person but the first one was still on mother tit and even though I dont like cats I became so attached and loved him very much. I remember fighting with him as I put on stockings to go to work or kicking him of bed and his little dances. I thought he was a girl at first. I miss him a lot. you ever seen a cat eat bones.

I tend to babble on and on, but I have to share with you all that I had a nice time with my mother during my days off. When she is lucid and her usual self there is sabatoge and ugly. I become stupid and crazy and a liar and a theif. This is before dementia and all. But now she is at a level where she is more pleasant. I dont know if she is on meds or just a different level as I dont have access. But we had a good pleasant time cooking and watching tv in the kitchen these past few days. She is full of compliments, everything is right or looks good. She even chukkles and make me chukkle with her. We laught at how she uses all the cups up for the dog and the bread. I mean you see a slice a bread on each landing on the floor. She cuts up tomatoes for him. You eat he is right there, can hardly move.

Talked to my cousin, he has a homeattendant. I was glad to hear his voice. Oh and my nephew came by. I thought he was under orders not to have contact with me even though we hugged and he adamantly proclaimsed he is not following that. Well it turns out he says he was missing in action for two months. Didnt have a phone. I had some nice things my son left and said to give tr away. I told him he said he wanted but I kept calling and sending txt to no avial. I left them in front of my door for about 2months and gave them away about 3weeks ago. Now I feel a little bad because there were some real nice things in there. So I loaded him up with whatever he could use from pantry and I am so happy he has been working a week. It was good to see him.
Rays of light love and peace to all.

Ali, all that work gives me the shivers wish you the best.

Country, glad you settled the dilema. Sounds good!! nNothing like a good YaYYYYY!

I'm overwhelmed. Golden, you had mentioned something like "this is an emotional time for you (me)," and I thought -- "no... not so much... just need to get moved." HAH. I've been a basket case for a while, it seems to be increasing as I get frustrated with moving. I'm trying to keep moving forward but it seems like, it feels like, I have no help from anyone or anywhere and I'm concerned (rightly so) that Trust won't reimburse... or will drag me through heck for as long as possible before they do... and either way, I'm demoralized by all of this right now. I'm angry. I'm sad. I've cried more in past week than in a year. I have two male friends who "MIGHT" help me get some stuff moved, and I need the room in their vehicles more than I need the muscle, but the one is never-ending drama and I'd be better off to hire someone than to try to deal with him, the other can't commit to a time, so here I still sit - 3 days in a row - at old house... waiting for a helper that doesn't seem to be coming and I'm emotionally so drained that all I want to do is lie down on the bed here, anyway, and just say... "it will happen at some point."

I posted an ad online today to try to get some help. I could also rent a cargo van and do the moving myself, but the rental miles are very limited and...

It's coming down to "how much more money do I want to spend, can I spend?" I suppose if I spend a couple hundred more, it's worth it to get all the way moved out of old house. That's fine. So why do I feel like I've been run over by a truck? Not sure. I think moving around would help. But then I do that and I just want to lay back down for a bit. I'm TIRED. Soooo tired. And weepy! And that's new... I'm not usually weepy. Anxious or agitated, yeah, but not weepy.

Just needed to share. I'll get this moving bit sorted somehow. I just feel so stinking alone. Like if I needed someone to call on really badly, the only person I have is this one friend who is a recreational drug user, who is so much drama, who wants more than friendship... THAT'S the person who will take my call and try to help me. Yikes. I need better friends. I have better friends, just not close by.

I just want to lie here forever... I'm TIRED.  I feel defeated.  And there's no reason to feel that way.  Things are going reasonably well.  I have a job offer that I had to tell them I can't start right away.  Whew.  I feel overwhelmed.  

Oh Alli, I know what you mean by feeling overwhelmed! Things are finally settling down for us, and frankly, we don't know what to do with ourselves, now that our caregiving days are over. I Sometimes I look around and don't know how to put one foot in front of the other, it all seems so strange that my FIL is gone, and I just don't know what to do with myself.

We did have a terrific vacation, and you could just watch the stress drain away from my husband's face, as he turned back into the fun, funny guy he used to be. I'm still in the recovery mode myself, and the physical symptoms continue.
The day before we left, I saw my Dr, and she did a battery of tests, which all came back normal except for the elevated WBC count and Sed Rate, and there are more tests that I will go over with her today, at my recheck appointment. She Rx'd BUSPIRONE and a Beta-blocker, but after only 4 doses of the Buspirone (for anxiety), I had to d/c it, due to horrible side effects, dizziness and a feeling of being "out of body", and I cannot tolerate symptoms like that. The beta-blocker causes severe tiredness, but I know that those symptoms go away with time and I will stay on that one.

I had chest pains during our wonderful drive through the AVENUE OF THE GIANTS, and thought that if this was my time to "check out", it couldn't be in a more beautiful place, but thankfully I survived and still enjoyed the day very much! Lol!

I am so sad for those who had such difficult childhoods. I find it very hard to relate, as mine was so great, but my husband's was not, so I do understand. Having put so many of the pieces together of my husband's dysfunction family, I swear that I would not have survived it, as I am so sensitive to these types of stressors.

About 3 years ago, two of my sisters were beefing about something so stupid, that they didn't speak for nearly 6 months, which lead me to pull back from social situations it was so upsetting to me. Finally, in early December that year, the one sister (eldest), dropped of a very sentimental gift for Me to give to the one she was beefing with, as sort of an apology I guess, but I didn't feel it my place, and I broke down sobbing it was so heartwrenching to me. 

Finally, the light bulb went off with eldest sister when I told her  "You fix this and fast" as it was tearing Me up inside, as I just cannot handle such strife, and over such stupid reasons in the first place. Within a week it was over and we all went back to being the close sisters we are. We have all vowed not to ever allow such things to tear us apart, as we rely on each other so much, and thankfully nothing like that has happened since!

I've always been "Switzerland" in family squabbles. I don't argue with any of them, ever! It makes no sense to me, after everything we've been through together as a family, but no family is perfect, and there are still some deep seeded and hard feelings regarding the time my parents were both so ill, and moving from my one sisters MIL apartment where my folks lived, to my eldest sisters home in the 3 weeks before my Dad died. But it's all over grief and sadness, and neither able to concede to the others feelings. Long buried now, but I know that there are still some deep resentments between the two of how it all went down, as it was such a stressful time, now 15 years ago, silly really.

 All Families are complicated, and big ones like mine are no different, all those personalities to deal with!

Golden, glad that the move with your Mom will be over with soon, then you can get your eye surgery taken care of before winter sets in. Sorry to hear of your young friends passing!

Send, you should never feel bad about sharing your past and your deep buried pain. Sometimes just chatting about it helps to relieve some of that burden, and if you can't share it here, with so many who have painful pasts, where can you share it? 

We are an anonymous bunch of loving friends who all care so much about one another, Gee, I spill my guts here all the time, and always feel better for it, and receive the best advice and understanding. I hope you do too!

I hope everyone is doing well! Stace

Ali, I get it! Moving was very overwhelming for me with trying to pack and get done by a deadline. Hubs left for Georgia 2 weeks before we left which in his defense, he bought the ticket back in April before we put the house up for sale. To be honest here, he only packed his own personal items and that was all until the last week when I became very verbal. It was the same thing when we arrived here, he unpacked only his personal items.

I was so overwhelmed I cried and our dd stepped in and had all the boxes that were not for the living room, kitchen and master bedroom placed in the the extra bedrooms.

Moving is very emotional especially when it involves a major life change which is what you are experiencing. No more caregiving, needing a job, moving to your own place after a certain amount of years of caregiving.

Maybe renting a U-Haul type van would be in your best interest at this point so you can get settled. I'm sure being in your dad's house just keeps the feelings of anxiety regarding the trust right at the surface too.

(((Ali))) it will get better and as long as you have no deadline, take a little time to think about how you want to proceed.