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Golden, the new place for your mom does sound nice. What move number is this one... 5? 8? :-) I'm joking but I know it's been a lot. Sounds like you keep streamlining on her behalf with each move. You've done a lot of work for her. I hope she will be content at new place.

You guys were mentioning not watching the depressing news and I think you're on to something. I notice that the guided meditations help me after only a day of listening to them, or any other positive, motivational message. What if I listen to those, instead of my usual real life murder mystery shows, for next 30 days? Think I'll be more positive?? I think so!! Habits are hard to change, but I'm at a good spot in my life to make some changes.

Upset, I don't know that the clinical meaning of the term "complicated grief" would apply to how you feel about your mom's passing, but... it is, actually, a very complicated form of grief when a dysfunctional, chaos-causing, hurtful parent dies. I think taking care of yourself, doing the positive and loving things you're doing - like getting married, yay! - is best course to overcome the lifetime of sad things you've been through due to your mom's behavior.

Stacey, I'm proud of you for everything you've done for FIL and you gave him as comfortable and caring an end-of-life as could be had. What are you going to do with all your free time now? ;-)

Take care, all. (((((hugs))))))
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Catching up here and I feel the need to post this reminder taken from AC policies.

"AgingCare.com is a place for caregivers to support caregivers.

To maintain a respectful dialogue, we've posted the following guideline summary for our members who post content. Further information can be found in our Terms of Use.

PLEASE:

BE RESPECTFUL. Personal attacks and aggressive behavior are prohibited; don't harass or bully others. Please...be respectful of others' sensitivities. ... Please keep it friendly and helpful!"

This thread covers a lot of touchy subjects and we have done very well in not indulging in personal attacks and in being friendly and helpful.

Lets keep it that way.

PMs can be used to address an issue with another poster.
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Alli, I have no idea what I will do with all our free time, but I'm excited to begin! With the arrival of the holiday season, I'm sure that a lot of our time will be taken up just enjoying those types of functions, hopefully a lot with our Grandies, as they are always so busy fitting in all of the fun opportunities! They are a going Concern! Lol!

Also, the home renovations, which we've put off for so long. My BIL is a flooring specialist, and will install our linoleum and carpeting, all we need to do is pick it out, and will be doing that, when my sister and her are back from their Badlands vacation.

I've chosen one set of furniture for our livingroom, and have loads of ideas and options for our family room, but are working out the timing of ordering and delivery, to the carpet install. We also are purchasing a new stove as last year when pulling out a huge turkey for Thanksgiving dinner, and single drop of perspiration fell from my husband's forehead onto the inner glass of the oven door and the glass shattered! It was a scary moment, but the glass stayed in place, and thankfully he was not hurt! So we haven't been able to use the auto-clean function for all this time, which means our oven is filthy, and researching and purchase of just a new door or glass is very expensive, so we'll just buy a whole new stove.

Bit by bit, well continue to update this house, and will continue to stay on here, with selling in the future in mind, so nothing crazy or too personal, just nice and neutral, so if it's 2 years or ten, we won't have to redo everything. With it being only the two of us, we aren't too hard on things, in fact we still have our original carpeting throughout the entire house, and it's 23 years old, and we raised 4 kids here! It's time for a replacement, for sure!
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Ali, Not complicated grief at all. No symptoms for that. I have an absence of grief or something similar. Maybe someday I'll feel something - just not now.
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Was Complicated grief would be a good word for what I felt when my mom passed. I had hoped we could have a loving relationship but, it was about me having to learn how to communicate with my mom with the least amount of drama. I resented having to give so much of myself to keep peace my relationship with my sis was the same. Much anger surfaced, I decided I was not going to continue the same relationship with my sis, so I put up boundaries.

It really sucks when you know you are giving so much to a person just to keep peace while you are running around supplying information and other errands they could easily do for themselves. I stopped doing grunt work for family members who see themselves above doing it for themselves. My relationship with my sis ended. 

I am working to find a new normal now that we moved. I don’t want to  be
just Grammy or a BFF for my dd. I enjoy spending time with her and my grandsons, but I also have to be just me. Quiet, introverted me who has separate interests from these other parts of my life. It will come in time, but for right now, I struggle.
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Sharyn,
What are some of your very own separate interests?

When I get to that part, I don't even know anymore. I naturally want to help others, but apart from that, I don't know what I would be doing. Do you or anyone else struggle with that part, not knowing?
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Send, I enjoy nature and getting out to enjoy it, take pictures. Crafting,, and just having time with no obligations. Cook something because I want it, not figure out what to cook for 2. I would love it if my hubs would go out of the house a couple times a week for 3-4 hours to fish or some other hobby so I could have some time alone in my house.
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Upset, what you describe sounds like how I always thought I'd feel when my dad died: not much of anything except maybe some relief. I don't know anymore. I think I'm still too much in the middle of an extended chaotic and hurtful situation, and maybe I'll go back to being not-angry, not-sad, not-much-of-anything after I get some distance. It's a blessing to not have your emotions pulled in negative ways.

Sharyn, the clinical idea of "complicated grief" is a specific style of grieving loss of someone, but you probably know that, and I didn't know that, and to me... I think it should be used exactly like what it sounds like haha: I have grief, but it's complicated, so it's Complicated Grief! lol I know you'll find your new normal. It's good that you can express so succinctly what you're looking for, even if you haven't found it.

New Trust Officer called me just now. That was nice of her. She seems nice. She tells me she's working through the receipts on her own as best as she can, but this is going to take a bit due to circumstances. I didn't tell her that I'd called around to some local attorneys today to see if anyone thinks I have a case against the Trust. I'm not a greedy person, not an acrimonious person, but this has been one horrible, life altering experience and I don't want this Trust or any Trust to do to other families what they did to mine. I don't think I have grounds for a suit but I would also feel more than justified to bring one forward. I doubt anything will come of the legal angle but... it's good to get input from an independent, legal-savvy party.
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Ali, I did do things before my mom could not be left alone. On my days off work, I took off in the mountains to take pics. During the winter, I worked on crafts and the house... painting the inside. I stppped when my mom needed more help. I'm just on a rut that has to be broken here on Idaho and since I'm not familiar with places to go and to feel comfortable by myself, it makes it difficult for motivate myself to go out.

No, I am not familiar with clinical complicated grief, sorry. 
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Complicated grief is actually a clinical disorder known as Complicated Bereavement Disorder. Symptoms include being unable to accept the death; a heightened sense of loss and extreme bereavement. Most literature says that the disorder may last for several years or more.

I don't miss my mother. I have a great sense of relief in knowing that she and my brother can no longer play their games. I don't miss the chaos they created on an ongoing basis for years. Maybe someday I'll feel something different or maybe not. I can't remember a time when they weren't up to something usually at my expense. I never wished they would die, just that I could have some peace.
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Sharyn, is there a local Y? They're usually a good place to meet new people who have similar interests. I've taken classes there when I was in a new place. They're usually fairly inexpensive if you just want to take a class. Does the local library have groups. I know where I lived in Ohio they had a "New to Town" group that met every couple of weeks.

I agree though that having some interests of your own is a good thing without husband and family. I've signed up to take a crochet class in December. I've taken before, but still can't read the patterns correctly. I want to meet some new people too. After the suicide of my best friend, Cathy, I want to meet some new people.
I'm confident your new friends or activities are right around the corner.
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Upset, I am still with you. I do not feel anything about my mom and I do not think I will. So, is there a simplified grief disorder?

Golden, thank you for posting about AC rules and policies. I will never understand why some people think this is an appropriate forum to bully and demean others! So many find it so easy to take something wrong that was said by another. We are here to support one another and sometimes that is in the form of sharing our own stories hoping people will know they are not alone.
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I've been around AC long enough to realize that we all have different ideas of what crosses into "bullying" behavior. Strangely enough, haha, we often side with who we are closest friends with on here, in general.

We can all use a reminder to give our best to this site and keep the space positive. But it's not any one person, or even a couple of people. All of us, if we are posting often enough, have moments of intolerance towards others. I've seen it from all of us. I've done it myself.   Maybe it's a bit inevitable, given the subject matter and the sensitive nature of it all.  

Perhaps removing the mote in our own eye is the best we can do day in and day out on this precious site.

Just some thoughts... nothing more.  

I've been lying around for an hour or so, too wiped to work, too much to do to not work. So I finally decided I'm going to go to bed early. Three nights now (more like days, since I can't sleep at night past few nights) of bad dreams, noises, not sleeping well. I'm going to give one more good try to get tosleep on time tonight and hopefully rest well. I took a small dose of Benadryl to help get me off to sleep. Fingers crossed. I'm guessing the past few sleepless nights are largely just due to being in the new place.
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Ali, I do not agree, this is not about taking sides. How silly is that? We are here to support one another, nothing else. We all, I think, know what would be acceptable. And I do not agree that we have all had moments of attack and bullying.
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This is certainly not about friends for me. It is just about abiding by the guidelines for posting, which I feel were contravened at the expense of another poster.
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...

...

My mom just called me. I'm exhausted after several nights without decent sleep, and she wants me to come down to their city tomorrow as her cousin is visiting from Florida and it's niece's 13th birthday, and there is a football game for high school senior nephew. I would like to drive down. I don't know if the timing is good but... this mess up here will wait one more weekend and my bro's kids are growing up fast. I told her if I got a decent night of sleep, I'd consider coming down.

I expressed some whining to my mom, some silly "woe is me" something something. I should know better by now. My mom has this way of biting my head off when I complain about hardship. She started in with a familiar theme -- why would I do XYZ if I didn't want trouble...? In other words, when I say "woe is me," my mom feels the need to say "that is your fault." lol It's a very familiar pattern. We locked horns over it but she managed to apologize and so did I, for yelling at her.

My relationship with her will never be good. On a good day, we manage to apologize to each other and I feel like... that's better than nothing.
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Golden, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to trivialize what you posted by suggesting you did it as some form of "taking sides," or friends, or not friends. I'm trying to express something else, but I'm botching it. I'm trying to say that one's Perspective determines whether a given comment is bullying behavior or warranted pushback or self-defense. These are emotional topics and sometimes people react with emotions. All we have to judge by is words on a screen. We can't know the intent of the poster. Some things can be misread. We can all misunderstand now and then.
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I'm sorry for contributing to anything that isn't supportive and caring for all of you. You're some of the kindest, most admirable people I've ever had the honor to be friends with. Rather wish I hadn't opened my big mouth here. Too late for that, so please let me apologize. 

ETA:  I deleted some stuff from my previous post.  Glad, I'm sorry for my comment. I don't know what else to say.  Talk about "do as I say, not as I do"... I can be a real hypocrite sometimes.  The only person's actions on AC that I need to be monitoring as within guidelines or not, bullying or not, are my own. 
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It is me who is/was the offending party, who has apologized.
Have apologized to others privately, and will continue to do so.
Have appreciated Golden's reminder about the AC guidelines.
Have apologized to Glad. And to others who would like me to apologize privately.
Have apologized to DDDuck, she did not deserve what I had said in anger.
I made a horrible mistake, I am sorry.

Others have understood, but not taken sides for or against any issues.

Does anyone want to continue to rake me over the coals?
Or, now, to take it out on Ali, an innocent bystander, making her the scapegoat for a valid opinion?
Or, to upset the forum members further?
Making this an ongoing issue, a real division and dispute?

I have asked the admins to remove my post twice by reporting myself.
It will not happen again, because I don't read DDDuck, except in passing, saw my name mentioned. Please allow me to apologize further to her in private.

So very sorry to have offended everyone.
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You didn't offend me Send...........in fact it was nice to see this side of you. You have always been so kind and supportive to me and everyone. You are usually the first to sympathize when someone loses a loved one. I'm glad you have some steel in your spine. A remark bothered you and you reacted on a visceral level. Is there anyone on here who can say they've never done that. Perhaps not on a public forum but we are among friends here aren't we? I seem to recall a certain someone on here who used to say the most disgusting vile things and was continuously applauded for it by his clique so Send, stop apologizing. xxoo
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Glad, Simplified Grief Disorder? What a great idea! I don't know how others feel, but sometimes I'm envious of the people who do have profound grief - envious that they had such a good relationship with their mother, brother or other family member that they have those feelings.

I'm not sleeping well either. I fell on the steps at the post office yesterday - slick, granite steps that are well worn. Raining and I was trying to hurry to the car. Fell flat on my butt. Anyway, about 1:00 am I started having pain in my left left hip, ankle and knee. Took some ibuprofen - hope that helps a little.
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Send, I wasn't offended. You've always been helpful to me.

Stacy, How exciting - buying new furniture and decorating. Have fun - you deserve it! Hoping to do some of that when the additions are finished on my house and we move back there. Kid friendly furniture though or maybe new slipcovers. PJ thinks my LR furniture is too girly.
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I was not able to login for awhile but it is fixed now. Send you have apologized and that is that. I have done the same, we are human and our emotions get the better of us sometimes especially when the subject matter is personal to us.

Upset, I don’t think there is a Y in the area but will google. I have the holidays to look forward to because our son is coming here the day after Christmas. I’m not sure if his wife is coming this time but it will be great to spend time with him.
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Sharyn, That's good your son is visiting after Christmas. You'll have a good time visiting with him. I'm envious I know my son will be in CA. But I will see he and his family when PJ, the boys and I meet them at Disneyland at Thanksgiving.
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Ali, my mom was like that. Anytime I was experiencing something difficult, she made it clear it was my fault, I brought it on myself. It is so sad that we can’t turn to our mothers for a little emotional support without blame.
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Upset, enjoy your son and Disneyland!
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I slept. Oh, thank goodness. I don't quite hear angels singing but it's close to that kind of feeling. I definitely feel like sleep was Step 1 to everything else right now.

Sharyn, that's exactly it. All I want is a little moral support from my mother, but she doesn't understand or cannot provide.
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My dd and I made lumpia today. I should say I made it because toddlers do as toddlers do. Dd was late getting here. Turns out L made one mess after another at home and dd hardly had one cleaned up before L made another including dumping liquid dish soap all over the kitchen floor, oh my!

Dd was in tears when she arrived, she went on a big rant/vent and I just listened. Then I took the boys outside so she could get herself together again. I remember how stressful/challenging raising kids was, but I didn’t have twins.

We got the lumpia rolled and I fried it all. We split it up and she was ready to go home . She thanked me for doing most of the lumpia and I gave her a hug and told her she is a great mom, don’t ever doubt you are not.

It is so hard raising kids when you have a hubs who works the hours dd’s hubs works.

My message is to caregivers, (((hugs))) you are doing a great job and don’t doubt yourself!
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Sharyn, you said lumpia. Gasp! I rarely see that word online. I tend to clench my teeth when my mainland siblings say ‘egg rolls’ when talking about it. All our lives we grew up and said lumpia. Then, they moved to the mainland and call it egg rolls. I told fave sis, you go to a Chinese or Japanese or Thai restaurant in the mainland. Do they change the names of their food to English versions (like change lumpia to egg rolls... or yakisoba to noodles?? No!) My siblings have changed a lot of the names of local dishes to American words.

So, what kind of lumpia did you make? The veggie one? Or the one with beef in it? Now, you have me craving the Filipino banana lumpia. If you’ve never tried this, oh, I strongly recommend it!!!
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Bookluvr,
No worries....
My Filipino neighbor gave us limpia as he said a goodbye and returned to his homeland.
The lumpia was good! Thin long roll with something inside, like a vegetable paste +.

Although I could not say what the difference was from 'egg rolls', the egg rolls are different. The egg rolls are shorter, fatter, more layered roll, vegetable rougher consistency vegetables.

What I am trying to say is, Lumpia by any other name is not really Lumpia.

What do you think, Sharyn, since you can cook them?

Oops, did I also misspell LIMPIA or LUMPIA?  It is spelled Lumpia.
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